A rough first encounter in the Falls for new neighbor Lara B. Sharp.
Him (Parks a Black Range Rover with Dealer Plates, and he’s wearing a Rolex Watch, AND an Apple Watch, black jeans with red European trainers, AND a black turtleneck shirt): ‘Hey, babe… Moving in?’
Me (Standing next to a moving truck, surrounded by boxes full of books, internally cringing): ‘Whatever gave you that idea?!’
Him: The truck and the boxes, doll.
Me: Ahh, clever.
Him: Did you take the second-floor apartment?
Me: No, I’m pitching a tent, on the roof.
Him: This is my place. Right across the street from you. You should come over sometime, for dinner, babe.
Me: I have a husband.
Him (smirking): I don’t mind.
Me: I also have two, huge Rottweilers.
Him (still smirking, looking me up and down): I like dogs, sweetheart.
Me (smirking back): I’d have guessed that about you. Dogs are pack animals. I’m very busy right now.
Him (intentionally flashing his Rolex): Do you work, honey?
Me: Do I work? Of course I work. I’m a writer.
Him (again, flashing his Rolex): Do you make any money doing that?
Me: Nope, I’m a very poor writer. That’s why I’m pitching a tent on the roof, with MY HUSBAND, and my two, huge, vicious Rottweilers.
Him: What do you write about, babe?
Me: I write about whatever I want to write about.
Him: You should write about me!
Me: Something tells me that I probably AM going to be writing about you.
Him (again smirking, and again looking me up and down): I’m flattered.
Me (glaring): You really, really, REALLY shouldn’t be, Bro.
Him: What’s your name?
Me: Gloria Steinem.
Him: So, if I Google you, will I be able to read your writing, little miss Gloria Steinem?
Me: Yeah, and you SHOULD do that. Google ‘Gloria Steinem’ and read ALL of it.
Him: OK, I will, Gloria. I’ll see you around, pretty neighbor!
Me: Thanks for the warning…
Well, I guess I know which one is HIS internet… I hope that SpiritAnimal EATS HIS FACE.
(Calls Comcast for instructions on how to rename her Wifi as: ‘DropDeadYouSEXISTPig!!!)
Have you learned to customize your wifi? If so, email me the name you’ve chosen at firstname.lastname@example.org… And, be sure to also include your password! Thanks, new neighbors!