Move-In Day!!!

A rough first encounter in the Falls for new neighbor Lara B. Sharp.

Him (Parks a Black Range Rover with Dealer Plates, and he’s wearing a Rolex Watch, AND an Apple Watch, black jeans with red European trainers, AND a black turtleneck shirt): ‘Hey, babe… Moving in?’

Me (Standing next to a moving truck, surrounded by boxes full of books, internally cringing): ‘Whatever gave you that idea?!’

Him: The truck and the boxes, doll.

Me: Ahh, clever.

Him: Did you take the second-floor apartment?

Me: No, I’m pitching a tent, on the roof.

Him: This is my place. Right across the street from you. You should come over sometime, for dinner, babe.

Me: I have a husband.

Him (smirking): I don’t mind.

Me: I also have two, huge Rottweilers.

Him (still smirking, looking me up and down): I like dogs, sweetheart.

Me (smirking back): I’d have guessed that about you. Dogs are pack animals. I’m very busy right now.

Him (intentionally flashing his Rolex): Do you work, honey?

Me: Do I work? Of course I work. I’m a writer.

Him (again, flashing his Rolex): Do you make any money doing that?

Me: Nope, I’m a very poor writer. That’s why I’m pitching a tent on the roof, with MY HUSBAND, and my two, huge, vicious Rottweilers.

Him: What do you write about, babe?

Me: I write about whatever I want to write about.

Him: You should write about me!

Me: Something tells me that I probably AM going to be writing about you.

Him (again smirking, and again looking me up and down): I’m flattered.

Me (glaring): You really, really, REALLY shouldn’t be, Bro.

Him: What’s your name?

Me: Gloria Steinem.

Him: So, if I Google you, will I be able to read your writing, little miss Gloria Steinem?

Me: Yeah, and you SHOULD do that. Google ‘Gloria Steinem’ and read ALL of it.

Him: OK, I will, Gloria. I’ll see you around, pretty neighbor!

Me: Thanks for the warning…

Well, I guess I know which one is HIS internet… I hope that SpiritAnimal EATS HIS FACE.

(Calls Comcast for instructions on how to rename her Wifi as: ‘DropDeadYouSEXISTPig!!!)

Have you learned to customize your wifi? If so, email me the name you’ve chosen at editor@eastfallslocal.com… And, be sure to also include your password! Thanks, new neighbors!

 

About Lara B. Sharp 4 Articles
Lara B. Sharp is a middle aged, neurotic writer and a performer, originally from New York City. She has written for, and performed in, a number of national and international theatre productions, and is a regular participant of live storytelling events in New York, London, and Philadelphia. She is a Smith College graduate, menopausal, and a feminist. Lara is represented by the literary agency Chalberg & Sussman, for whom, between hot flashes, she is writing a memoir about her demented childhood. In her free time, she relaxes by sharing her humiliating life experiences on her Facebook page. In 2016, Lara, her two cats and her English husband, moved from Europe to Philadelphia, for the pretzels. (She relocated to the Falls in March 2018). Sometimes, she’s funny.

53 Comments

  1. East Falls sounds like quite the happening neighborhood. I cannot wait to hear more from Lara B. Sharp, and the interesting characters she encounters.

  2. Haha ugh what a creep. So glad you shared this Lara. Next time get a picture and we can photoshop him reading Steinem into a viral meme!

  3. HAHAHAHA!! I had a very similar convo with a neighbor. we now have security cameras. and attack rabbits… he even tried to mansplain youtube to me, dear god. i love your writing!!! you crack me up.

  4. Oh my gawd! Everywoman in Everytown USA has encountered THAT guy…. though, I’ll admit, without the pithy, spot on responses by Ms. Sharp. Thank you, Lara…I needed this piece to start my day. Write on!

  5. I wonder how many men will read Gloria Steinem before the year is out simply because you’ve told them that’s your name… brilliant. I think I’ll start telling people my name is Simone de Beauvoir.

  6. We ALL know that guy! Thanks for the laugh! I have a feeling we haven’t heard the last of this character… Keep up the great writing!

  7. ? I love the Gloria Steinem touch. Should be an exciting dynamic with your neighbors.. Please change your WiFi name stat!!

  8. I’m pretty sure that guy is my ex brother-in-law. I hope you didn’t sign a long term lease. Keep the boxes.

  9. Wow. Just wow. I would call him a douche but I wouldn’t give him the honor of being up my my ?
    You write like I think (but can never quite put into the written word). I’m gonna google some more of your articles cuz I need you in my life!

  10. More confirmation of how hilarious you are, and how truly gross strangers can be. Enjoy the pretzels, and the privacy curtains you will probably invest in after meeting your new neighbor.

  11. I think every neighbourhood has that guy living in it. You were just unfortunate enough to have to talk to him! Although it does make a great story!

  12. Did anyone else hear the guy’s voice as Puddy’s (from Seinfeld)?

    Lara Sharp, next time you see him you should insist that he address you as MS Gloria Steinem!

  13. How pathetic guys like this are STILL everywhere. Sexist and Clueless! Thank you for sharing that Mrs. Sharp as it serves as a great example of how I need to respond next time! LOL #ImGloriaToo! Love it!! Hahahahaha

  14. Always enjoy your stories. Sense of humor ALWAYS on point! You’re so damn funny! And real at the same time. Hard to pull off. ????

  15. Highlarious. What a putz. Did Comcast help you get your new Wi-Fi name? “Alabao” como dicen ustedes Cubans. What other interesting neighbors do you live around? Later.

  16. I’ve really been enjoying living in a tent with two rottweilers, on the roof our our new East Falls building! With love, your husband!

  17. Very funny stuff! Do you ever know how to tell a story?!! That wit, sass, power of observation and attention to detail are beyond compare. Can’t wait to read more!! Please keep ‘em coming, Lara B. Sharp. ????

  18. Great write up Lara. We’ve all suffered that guy. Enjoy the Falls. Sounds like a cool hood. They’re lucky to have you! xx

  19. Hilarious! I always enjoy Lara’s writing! Even when the subject is … not very gentlemanly…. Can’t wait to read more!

  20. Feminists do indeed have a sense of humor… thanks to continual material, like Mr turtleneck Bro! Hopefully we’ll hear more from Lara B Sharp, I mean, Gloria Steinem…

  21. Love this story.
    The man/child doesn’t even realize how silly he is. Ms. Lara, your storytelling is amazing.

  22. Love this hysterical take on what seems like a typical moment in her life – made completely atypical. More like this, please!

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