How much do you owe a former employer? The parents who raised you? Your spouse’s kids in your home?
FIRER’S REMORSE
Q: I just got fired. Now my former boss is asking me where some important documents are. How should I respond?
A: The first thing to clarify is whether you were wrongfully fired. Some employees are protected by contracts, labor agreements, and other similar agreements. People are also protected from being fired or treated wrongfully based on discriminatory reasons, such as race, ethnicity, gender, or disability.
If you were fired because you blew it or your employer just wanted to, then you have to think about whether there would be any worse long-term consequences of not cooperating.
Presumably, you are not going to get a good reference. Can this refusal make it worse? Is there anything to bargain for in exchange for the information? I am all for stating, ”I no longer work for the company and will not be responding to this request. Best wishes.” Your boss gets to live with the consequences of terminating an employee who has valuable information.
IN THE NAME OF LOVE
Q: My first wife passed away when our son was just a toddler, and when my second wife joined the family, she became the most loving, caring parent.
My son is grown now, and he and his partner are expecting a daughter who they plan to name after his late mother. Athena, he barely knew her. I feel like this is a slight to the woman who actually raised him.
When I told him I thought he might honor his mother with a middle name, instead, he said some really hurtful things about how I didn’t understand his feelings. What am I missing?
A: The boat. You missed the boat. It doesn’t matter who cared for him more or whether he remembers his mother or stepmother better. You don’t get to play the game of which mother was better. Stop that. Your son suffered the trauma of losing his mother. He holds her in his heart and wants to honor her.
You need to go to him and apologize for not understanding that and trying to assert your feelings into his decisions. You need to back off of his decision about naming his child. It is not your decision, and you don’t have input unless he asks.
You also need to listen to what he says about how you understand his feelings. Whether you agree or not, you need to open your heart and mind and listen.
Ask him what he meant by making the statement. Ask for examples, not to refute them. Take the information and process it. Think about what you could do differently.
PARENTING WITH A SIDE OF CHAOS
Q: I don’t know how most people are raised, but I grew up knowing it was rude to sing, dance, or play with toys at the dinner table.
My husband has two kids from a previous relationship. Whenever they visit, I find myself eating alone in another room because it’s chaos how he lets them carry on when it’s time to sit down for a meal together.
This is literally the only thing we argue about, but I’m really steamed, and I feel like they’re doing this on purpose to exclude me (they’re 7 and 9, old enough to know better, I think).
A: I agree with you; that’s how I was raised, too. But the children are not old enough to know better. Their parents, YOUR husband, has given them permission to do this. They are now in a new household.
You have the right to have rules in your house. They have to be in agreement with your husband. That means you sit down with him and decide, as a couple, what the rules are for dinner. What the rules are for everything, such as chores, bedtime routines, etc. You are going to be raising these children as a family.
In the meantime, as adjustments are made, get yourself back to that table. They are children. They need your gentle guidance more than you need 30 minutes of a quiet meal.
Engage them in conversation. Have them help make dinner so that you transition from the kitchen to the table. This can create a dining atmosphere that might be amenable to all of you. The children should not be dictating your dining experience any more than you should be boycotting the table. Think about ways you can resolve this without drama and with love.
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