Heat index rising. Standards falling. Wade in at your own risk.
KARL’S KALL-OUTS FOR JULY 2026
Keiko by Cloverly Ave: You are not “bad at conflict” – indeed you seek it out, and then play the victim. Your friend appears to be exercising their right to cut free from your toxic personality. Self-reflection is helpful here.
@doomscroll_delilah: Sometimes the red flags are subtle. Sometimes they have been documented and stored in a binder labeled “Recurring Incidents.” You know what you need to do.
Mateo near RittenhouseTown: You can’t keep saying you “manifested” your new life if the method involved a burner phone, a trained deer, and a claims adjuster with an alias.
@unhingedhinge: I realize you want to be honest on dating apps, but after reviewing your profile, I agree with your mom: the jokes about being naked in public aren’t helping. Neither is the pixelated profile pic.
Sanaa on Midvale Ave: I admire your patience, though at this point “waiting for an apology” has become more of a historical reenactment. There’s no defeat in moving on. Also are you sure you’re owed one?
@panic_at_the_costco: Ask yourself, “Why would a random self-checkout machine want to gaslight me?” And, “Could there be another explanation?” Or – even better — “Where did I last have my keys?”
Jules in Tulpehocken: A little mystery can be charming. A second basement freezer is, admittedly, a lot of mystery.
@lazeemomee: You say you “kept it classy,” but most classy people don’t leave brunch through a bathroom window clutching someone else’s quiche.
Omar off Henry Ave: The heart heals in time. The ego, however, will replay this at 2AM for the rest of your life. Best not to pile on, for insomnia’s sake.
@litigious-D: No matter how “smart-ass” your neighbor’s son’s behavior, he is still a toddler. If you didn’t want him to eat your cease-and-desist letter, you should’ve waited until he was done teething to serve him. Or maybe rethink this lawsuit entirely.
Anika near Queen Lane Station: You were right to trust your gut. You were wrong to make everyone at the dinner party listen to it through a stethoscope. TIM, sweetheart.
@jeffijazz: Closure comes in many forms. Yours involves much more maniacal screaming than usual, but you seem to be making progress. Stick with it a few more weeks, if your roommate can handle it. I sense a breakthrough coming!
Dear readers, my advice is free of charge. For your own personal Kall-Out email DrKarl@nwlocalpaper.com. Tasteful pics only. ~ Dr. Karl
Seeking a strong rower with an open mind for a secret canoe mission at a secluded location. I have reason to believe the area is home to a family of freshwater vampires who appear along the reservoir after dusk. I need someone steady at the oars while I gather evidence during their Free Sunset Paddle and “Creatures of the Night” tour. Bring bug spray and garlic. JULY 24, 5–9:30PM | The Discovery Center
Todd: I’ve searched these kids up and down, believe me, as their mom I’ve wiped every inch of them. If there was an “Off” switch, I’d have found it. Now decide what you want to do: either learn to adapt or bounce already. I don’t have time to entertain your stupid theories. ~ Nancee
Pickleball people, I am begging you to consider bocce. Eastern State Penitentiary’s Adult Field Day includes baseball, boxing, scavenger hunts, sports-themed tours, and bocce on the prison’s original bocce court — perfect for anyone who enjoys competition but prefers not to rupture anything. $10 | JULY 25, 6–9PM | Eastern State Penitentiary
It’s another hot day, so I’ve taken off all my clothes and opened every window. I feel so much better, now if only the other people on the bus would mind their own business. #dadjokes
Not that I want to be a god or a hero. Just to change into a tree, grow for ages, not hurt anyone. ~ Czeslaw Milosz, poet and novelist (1911-2004)
Meet me where the songs invite you in. Songs of Welcome brings Philly-area musicians to The Fallser Club for a daylong concert supporting immigrant aid, with big hearts, open doors, and harmonies pointed toward the better angels. Come for the music; stay for the reminder that welcome is still something neighbors can make together. $20 | JULY 19, 2–8PM | The Fallser Club
Had my own face tattooed all over my actual face. It’s so realistic no one can tell the difference. I look just like me. It’s incredible. Come see for yourself. ~ Mr. Capgras PS No photos, please. They don’t capture the second layer.
Hurry! Seeking one reliable mission partner for the Centennial District Scavenger Hunt before my unfinished clues consume what remains of my summer. I started strong in May, lost focus in June, and now there’s less than two months left! I can’t fail again!!! Help!! Must enjoy Fairmount Park, historic oddities, and my unbridled passion for prize swag. FREE | Runs thru AUG 31 | West Fairmount Park
The way you all blather on about all your private business right in front of me! Why does everyone assume all old people are deaf? I may be 89, but I’ve got the ears of a 20 year old. I hear everything!!!! Lucky for you though I can’t remember shit. ~ Ms Daphne at Thunder Mug
Free Summer Grief Walk with Goats 🖤🐐🕊️ Guided nature walk in beautiful local arboretum, led by Grief Coach Naila Francis. All welcome, no reservations needed. You know who you are, if you need this. Blessings. SAT JUL 18 (12PM – 2PM)
Someone in my office just said that a family member suffered a series of “little seizures” and it took all the willpower I had to resist saying “Pizza! Pizza!” — wtf is wrong with me?? Ask yourself that, too, if this made you laugh. Maybe we should hang out? ~ MrMessedUp
Whether Alert! The National Me Service has issued an emotional visibility warning, with scattered thinking and gusts of inflated confidence. Secure loose feelings and proceed to low-lying expectations immediately. Hoping for your sake I’ll blow over soon. ~ Shamelessly Stormy
Why do they call you the Ball Goblin? I asked once, and everyone at the picnic table went quiet. Now I can’t stop thinking about you, your little drawstring pouch, and the way you vanished the second someone shouted “game on.” Meet me where the equipment goes missing.
Build me up, Buttercrypt! — Seeking a crafty ghoul to join me at Laurel Hill for a historic garden tour and Build-Your-Own Cemeterrarium workshop. Must appreciate moss, miniature tombstones, and the rare chance to pay $30 to process mortality decoratively. Bonus points if you arrive with strong opinions about tiny grave placement. JULY 22, 5:30–7:30PM | Laurel Hill East
This summer sucks. I got mono so bad I’m being treated for stereo. 🥁 Doc says there’s a 50% chance I was “aggressively contagious” last weekend, and by unfortunate chance I was also blackout drunk. If you recently made out with a random guy who tasted like cheap rum punch, apologies in advance for the bug that’s about to hit you in five, four, three, two…. #one ~ Dougie
Moth Heads, your porch light has entered its educational era. Head to the Schuylkill Center after dark for a real-deal moth night, where scientists lure in the fluttery nightlife and explain who’s who under the glow. Weird? Yes. Surprisingly popular? Also yes. Tickets usually sell out, so don’t sleep on the bugs. Act now to guarantee your spot. $20 – $30 | WEDS JULY 22 (7 – 11:55PM)
True Story: it doesn’t always mean you’re in love, if someone’s embrace makes you feel giddy and lightheaded. I hear some guys are using antifreeze as cologne because a lot of girls will mistake the dizzy euphoria for romantic ecstasy. Maybe it’s an urban legend, but still. Stay safe out there, ladies! ~ Preston E.
Alan the Adjuster: My self-worth went way up after you said I had “excellent replacement value.” I know you probably meant it in a paperwork way, but I’ve never felt so rare, collectible, or difficult to appraise. Blushing-ah!! I’m basically a museum piece with a snack drawer. SWOON. How do we insure this feeling?! ~ Robbie
All aboard for Sea You in Paradise, Yes! And… Collaborative Arts’ 10th annual original summer musical, dreamed up with young performers and staged FREE in Germantown. Expect cruise-ship chaos, rogue teachers, clueless adults, and the kind of camp-made magic that somehow always floats. JULY 22–24 (6–7pm) | Holman Field | yesandcamp.org
And the fox said to the little prince: men have forgotten this truth, but you must not forget it. You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed. ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery, author and aviator (1900-1944)
My internal dialogue voice started calling me “Pepper” recently. My name is Harold. Not Pepper. “Don’t forget to pick up the dry cleaning, Pepper”. “Think you’ll make it to the gas station before you run out of fuel, Pepper?”. “Are we out of paper towels, Pepper?”. Please make it stop. ~ Pepper I mean HAROLD
You are more than enough. Way more. Dial that shit back a bit. ~ Rick Rollin
ART DATE ON A BUDGET (South Street) Seeking culture-curious companions for pay-what-you-wish opening at Philly Magic Gardens. Must appreciate mosaics, Mexican Folk Art, and papier-mâché mortality. Meet you by the sugar skulls. JULY 31 (6–9pm) | phillymagicgardens.org
They call me Miss Biodegradable because I break down really easily. Seeking someone who understands I’m not falling apart, I’m freeing up essential nutrients necessary for life. What’s a little ugly crying, when you think of it that way? ~ Reduce-Reuse-Redemption
Come for the dirt, leave with dinner. Wyck’s Home Farm Club invites neighbors of all ages to pitch in at its historic kitchen garden for short lessons, hands-on growing, and a share of fresh produce. No registration, no experience, no green thumb, no problem. Tuesdays 5pm + Fridays 10am thru AUG | Wyck, 6026 Germantown Ave | wyck.org
There are two ways to slide easily through life: to believe everything or to doubt everything; both ways save us from thinking. ~ Alfred Korzybski, engineer, mathematician, and philosopher (1879-1950)
Hoarder’s Paradise — ISO one responsible adult to stop me from becoming a cautionary tale at Chestnut Hill’s Royal Rummage Sidewalk Sale. More than 40 local shops. Three days of discounted art, books, vintage finds, fashion, and objects that will absolutely look great somewhere. Bring tote bags, small bills, and the courage to ask, “Are you rescuing that or is it rescuing you?” FREE | JULY 24–26, 9AM–5PM | Germantown Ave, 8000–8600 blocks
Scott on McKean: I thought you guys were joking about “brain tanning” – it sounded far fetched. I would’ve never offered my patio if I thought for one minute there’d be a bucket of animal offal sitting here all week. You can build a SMALL fire this weekend for smoking but then you need to get this mess out of here. And take your water-resistant hide with you. ~ Dave’s wife
I feel like the me who buys groceries and the me that has to cook are two entirely different people. #adulting
Well Jackson you caught me right in the middle of memorizing Steve Martin’s seminal comedy record “A Wild and Crazy Guy” from 1978 in its entirety. So EXCUUUUSE ME! If I was perturbed and unavailable. Maybe later. ~ Skyler
🖤 Drop Dead Dating: The only dating site for morticians, funeral directors, undertakers, forensic pros, and other end-of-life romantics. Tired of first dates going cold the minute you mention your day job? Join a community where dark humor is a love language, paperwork is foreplay-adjacent, and nobody flinches when you say, “I see dead people all the time.” Drop Dead Dating: because love isn’t dead. It’s just very well preserved. 😵😵😵
🚀🎶 The mothership has landed on Midvale and I need a co-pilot. Seeking one brave funkateer for Edo, Cobra Fantastic & Thomas Anonymous at The Fallser Club, where P-Funk meets Zappa meets Sun Ra and linear space-time does not appear to be guaranteed. Come for the Parisian jazz supergroup; stay for the monster robot, rogue soldier, dental-floss farmer, and grooves from Zargon VII. $20 online/$25 door | JULY 25, 8–10:30PM | 3721 Midvale Ave (East Falls)
Young Boy Nextdoor: I was gathering sticks up in my yard the other day. That’s when I saw your guinea pig Allen was loose. He was faster than I imagined, with incredible bob and weave skills. I must’ve chased him for 45 minutes before I noticed he had a tail and was actually a squirrel. Is my face red! How’s the real Allen? I bet he’ll be flattered (squirrels are very athletic!). ~ Mr. Domino
Come On Get Sweaty! Free guided afternoon hike in the Wissahickon through the woods and meadows around Roxborough. Four-mile trail includes rocky inclines that may be difficult for small children and older adults. Meet at Houston Playground. FRI JUL 17 (9am – 12pm)
Far out, Twinkles. Your eyes ogle the stars. They wink back. The moon blushes into a crater. The planets pretend not to notice. As the constellations rearrange themselves into suggestive positions. Somewhere, a comet misses its exit and circles back, hoping to witness a Big Bang. You’re everything, all at once. ~ Cosmic NRG
Seeking a sturdy plus-one for a feminist furniture panel at the Museum for Art in Wood. Let’s branch out into gender, labor, domestic objects, and early American women’s lives without taking any of it for granite. It’s free, it’s in person, and frankly, I’m pining for someone who appreciates a well-crafted argument. JULY 24, 6:30–7:30PM | 141 N. 3rd St.
The good news is, I bent over and touched my toes today. The bad news is, I did it with my boobs. #nanajokes
Seeking one nonjudgmental witness for my public craft-supply reckoning. I am bringing yarn from a knitting phase, beads from a jewelry phase, and enough googly eyes to suggest a problem. STITCH AND DESTROY’s free Craft Supply Swap says you don’t have to bring materials to take materials, but I will be bringing the emotional baggage anyway. FREE | JULY 18 & 19 (12–6PM) | 523 S. 4th St. (Queen Village)
I’m no psychologist, Cheryl, but seems to me crowded elevators would be the perfect place to work on your claustrophobia. Especially the old accordion ones that go really slow. I have a list, let’s seek some out! What could go wrong? Your old friend Jane
THURS JULY 9, 16, 23, and 30: Manayunk Stroll After Hours | Open-air night market full of surprises. Music, vendors, activities for all ages. Voted Best Summer Evening Activity by People Who Do This Kind of Stuff (2024). Every Thursday this month from 6PM to 10PMish. Main Street, where else?
Great minds think alike. Unfortunately, so do stupid ones. ~ Socrates
We hope you have enjoyed this Month’s MISSED CONNECTIONS!
Please click the links for info and easter eggs hand-picked for your entertainment. Place your own listing in one of three ways: 1) comment below 2) text 215-498-8874 or 3) email DrKarl@nwlocalpaper.com. You may also respond to ads privately via text or email — please be as specific as possible so that Dr. Karl may properly assist. Got a question or comment? Send it to Dr. Karl to for a callout, just for you! Thank you, my friend.
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