Missed Connections Archive (March 2019 – July 2017)

Compiled by Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen. Missed connections are for entertainment purposes only and are not intended to foster a belief in random meetings. Email us your Missed Connections or text 215-498-8874

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Oh Gunnar. Take me like a Viking! Lay claim my undefended shores and plunder, plunder, plunder. — Dagmar

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I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it myself: street signs near Ridge and Indian Queen Lane, vibrating with some unknown force below the sidewalk. Then there was that water main break a week later – and now PWD’s identified three of them in the area at last count. Three!

Something has awakened, guys. Probably some kind of elemental spirit. Pretty sure it’s been unleashed by that new construction on iQL. If so, sink holes on Midvale & Coulter are next and by then it will be too late. We all need to lay our salt lines now and sage like there’s no tomorrow. Also remember fog with eyes is almost always a danger sign. Best to stay away. Keep positive! Love, Annie

*       *        *         *

Loin cloth or crinoline tonight, honey? I’m leaning towards loin cloth. Anyway, as always it’s up to you.

*       *        *         *

I swear this is what really happened:
While you were in the other room using the The Medical Grade LED Wrinkle Remover, resting near the The Hypnotic Jellyfish Aquarium, commandeering The Jedi Training Heliballs, snuggling with The Personalized Singing Peek-a-boo Pachyderm—I was wearing The Golf Ball Locating Glasses, The Genuine Peruvian Alpaca Cardigan and the The Classic Churchillian Bowler (hat) and The Genuine Turkish Luxury Shower Wrap, heating up The Genuine Copper River Smoked Salmon, when I accidentally tapped the remote control for The Remote Controlled Abrams Tank which crushed The Personalized Topographic Jigsaw Puzzle—which you had just completed.
I hope you’ll forgive me.
~ Schlemmer

*       *        *         *

You were wearing sound advice on your tshirt when I first saw your head around the door. Then mine stopped working. I want that glow back, please.

*       *        *         *

Dear John Q. Public,
I don’t know WHY you don’t like him or why you said that about him, but Michael Bolton denies he fell asleep during live TV interview.  ~Robert Kline, ESQ

*       *        *         *
All I know is that you were in a shaman’s daze when our eyes locked and washed. Which, of course, made my soul explode, casting it to the ether of the ancients.
~Dustin DeWind

Pickle (tuxedo),
It was great while it lasted. The best of times, the worst of times. More later…
~Alistair (mostly black).

*       *        *         *

As a Republican voter who supported Trump in 2016, I am shocked and disappointed that my taxes are higher this year. I honestly thought that a man who shafted contractors and used bankruptcy laws to shift losses to investors really cared about the little guy. How did I not see the signs? How come no one pointed out his character flaws during the campaign when it mattered?

Well, never again. Who has two thumbs and won’t vote for Trump in 2020? This guy. ??

As John Steinbeck wrote, “Socialism never took root in America because the poor see themselves not as an exploited proletariat, but as temporarily embarrassed millionaires.” It just boggles the mind that the Republican controlled Congress didn’t include temporarily embarrassed millionaires in the formulas for who received tax cuts. What gives?

*       *        *         *

You’re stuffing my reticulum, as you sojourn from my rumen, and emerge to my omasum. Please stop.
~Prudence III

*       *        *         *
It was always a pleasure to be with you onstage, and backstage. Our time will come and come again.

*       *        *         *

Bookworms Like Us!!! Sometimes we chat at Coleman Library. You like non-fiction with a social justice bent. I’m obsessed with news periodicals.  Our interests overlap. Might we explore romantic possibilities? No pressure. If you’re into it, gimme a sign. —  Clarke

*       *        *         *


I regret the day we decided to get to the next level of intimacy, and watched each other squeeze a deuce. Because now I can’t distinguish between your poop face and your orgasm face. They are both an equal measure of beautiful agony, hideous ecstasy and self-loathing. It’s all I see now when I look at you. I wish we could go back.  ~Cleveland

*       *        *         *

I love you, I really do. But today I have a date with a dog and a frisbee.

*       *        *         *

Wish I could tell ya
If he were a fella
Or a chick
With a trick
To seduce me.

But things never got hot
We were more friends than not,
Still I miss
Our queer bliss
On Skidoo Street.
— D.D. Call me please

I really appreciate you keeping tabs on my red Tacoma on Scotts Lane whilst I’m in the process of transitioning to the Afterlife. It’s hard for me to describe, even harder to type words into a computer network whilst in the form of a disembodied spirit. But, before one fully moves to The Great Beyond, there is a grey area as a soul hovers on the cusp of the Living and the “Unknown.” Anything that’s holding me to the material world can keep me trapped in limbo—I feel this whole parking thing weighing on me. So, if you could just forget about it, I could move on to infinity. Otherwise, I will have no choice but to haunt the entire street until my spirit is set free from this cage of your world.

*       *        *         *
If you own the silver chariot with Roman plates parked on 3400 block of Ainslie Street… You left your lights on.  Cordially, Samantha

*       *        *         *
All of these things are conspiring to craft the narrative. ~Swanson

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When you least expect it. That’s when it’ll come. And I’ll be the first one to point out you brought this all on yourself. ~Blitzie

*       *        *         *

This is a satirical production calculated to throw ridicule on the bold assertions of some parliamentary declaimers. If rant may be best foiled at its own weapons, the author’s design is not ill-founded; for the marvelous has never been carried to a more whimsical and ludicrous extent. Then again, I do not understand how a collection of lies can be called a satire on lying, any more than the adventures of a woman of pleasure can be called a satire on fornication.

*       *        *         *

Josiah: we left LeBus as soon as those cocktails hit me, walked up along the river, caught a Lyft back to my place on Maplewood. Ate our weight in pizza. Beers, bowls. Here’s where it gets fuzzy.

I remember being under streetlights with you in the dead quiet of late night/early morning. And it was freezing and we were laughing, trying to chalk out a hopscotch in the street (but the chalk kept snapping off on the asphalt). In daylight though there was no sign of chalk in the street but then it had rained a little. Enough to wash away all our markings? Where did we get the chalk? Did I dream this?

Cameron has my number. Please get in touch. Also I am pretty sure you owe me six bucks for the garlic knots.  -Angie
*       *        *         *

Sticky Buns,
You bring the rum and I’ll bring the butter. If you’re extra good I’ll add some cheese. Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it, sweetheart.
~Stinky Buns

Neil — Something caught my eye vacuuming the other day, a weird glint from under the bed. A jewelry box! Well I’ll be!! You weren’t lying when you told me you’d lost my Valentine’s Day present. Is this a diamond? Holy crap! No wonder you were so upset! Can we talk? I feel really bad now about kicking you out and calling you a pathological cheapskate.  ~Dominique

*       *        *         *

As the fishes high upon Queen Lane water plant gazed down at us, knowingly, I held your hand in mine. A glimpse into the divine, into the beyond. Let’s take us back there tonight.
Love, Avery

*       *        *         *

L. Ron Cupboard,
I was well underway in my counterfeiting work, in the hideout, when I thought of you. On the surface, completely fake. Yet, deep down, a sincere shrewd criminal. Like the fake $100’s I’m crafting, for our future. ~Laura

*       *        *         *
To My Sweet Kiki on her birthday –
SwampCrotch in the summer
AshyAss when it’s cold.
Still, girl, you’re a stunner
Even though you’re pretty old.
Jared the Kid

*       *        *         *

I’m so glad you forgave me for having a hard time committing myself to memory.
~Which Witch?

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Saw U Just Toss Your Trash on the Street! WTF?! The container popped open and your lunch leftovers came spilling out, napkins blowing down the street. Thanks, really looking forward to fishing chicken wing bones out of my dog’s mouth next time we walk by. Have some respect for others.  – Brian on Aramat.

*       *        *         *

If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done, Scott? Way to go, getting one past the goalpost. Now what the hell are we going to do? Kathy

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Chantal B from Penn Knox, I can’t believe that was you! Came up way behind you at Giovanni’s Pizza last week – old man was yelling at customers again. You grabbed your takeout and took off before I could say hi. If you see this call Deenie and Marchesa. We still on Winona. Welcome back!

*       *        *         *

I stop for gas 8:20am every other day at the Sunoco at Wissahickon and Rittenhouse. I stare around at the beautiful park that’s so close… And it takes all my willpower not to call out sick and disappear into nature for the day. I’m a tall gal with gray hair and a silver Honda Civic. Anyway, that’s what I’m thinking, Tom, when you see me softly weeping while I’m filling up.  – Becca

Fishy Fishy Fishtown
MP: A few years back I lived near you with an older broad who was totally bananas. Nancy. Had a sister Kyle who had a problem with me. But I was an asshole back then, as you know. Well Joel says you asked him about me at Lola’s party, told him to tell me all is forgiven. If this is true then we should talk asap and clear the air. The better not be some kind of trap, though. – CZ

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Hey I just saw not one but two different guys with full-on handlebar mustaches on Germantown Avenue. One was on a penny farthing! I instantly felt a little sick to my stomach both times. Is this a normal side effect of gentrification?   – Raymond

*       *         *         *

Anyone remember when Mañana’s painted the flag of Mexico over the shamrock on the Midvale intersection for Cinco de Mayo?

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Amy S: YOU THREW UP IN MY MOM’S CAR even though you promised you could hold it. It’s like a hundred bucks to get it detailed, and you still haven’t paid me back for Slices yet. Pay up or I’m changing my Netflix & Showtime passwords for good this time. – Brenda P.

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To the husky runner in white spandex on the Schuylkill River Trail.
No offense, but you really want to consider darker colors. Or at least a material that is not so see-thru. You are not bad looking but we don’t need to see all that.  A Friend

*       *        *         *

Looking for the great guy who was camping out under the shrubs behind that vacant house on Netherfield. Vince, I think his name was. Knew all about tracking, astronomy and ground hornets. Used to cast his own keys but as far as I could tell he did not make or even use locks. Last I heard he was on one of those Hunting Bigfoot shows (as the skeptic) but that was a few months ago. If anyone knows where I can find him leave a message for Teddy with Linda or Joe at Murphy’s bar.  Thanks.

*       *        *         *

Dogs poop. Deal with it, people. You can bark all you want but that’s not gonna change my behavior. If my dog poops ‘off bounds’ I will leave it. Ditto for loose ones. If I bag it, I may throw it in your trashcan if it’s out. Shame on you for being so unneighborly.

ST PADDY’S DAY SPECIAL: Two pots of gold with every leprechaun. Incl pink hearts yellow moons orange stars green clovers and blue diamonds. (March 17th only, limit four rainbows, other restrictions apply)

*       *        *         *

G, you complain and complain about everything. Well, you just remember to be thankful for what the good Lord gave you. You’re so young and foolish and you’re so much like your mom. I worry. Aunt B

*       *          *         *

Dentist office on Ridge near Shop Rite I left my InvisAlign retainer on the stack of Highlights magazines and Peanuts paperbacks under the square coffee table in the corner. If anyone seen it I would like it back still. It’s custom so it’s not like you can use it anyway. Gloria.


Marcus, your immersion in horology, makes you late every time. Gina-Marie

*       *         *         *


I gotta come clean. That plant you’ve been watering during the whole of 2018 is, indeed, as fake as a three dollar bill.  ~Bernie

*       *          *         *

Vending machine guy with tattoos worked at Textiles in the 80’s.

My junior year one of the guys who used to put the candy and soda inside the vending machines in the old mansion had ear gauges and a tongue piercing, which was really weird back then. Wow I was obsessed with you! One night I got up the nerve to start a conversation and we wound up talking till like 10pm!! I always wondered what would’ve happened if I’d kissed you.  – Kelly

*       *          *         *

Can I put a king-sized mattress out for trash pickup? We really stained it up something fierce last night.

*       *          *         *

I was behind you in checkout at Tilden Market on Monday December 9th around 11 am. The manager asked the cashier if she needed ones, and you joked that you needed some. You were wearing cowboy boots. Would like to meet up with you. I’ll keep my eye out for you. When I see you I’ll say “Hi, Boots” and introduce myself as “Jitterbug.” That’s how you’ll know it’s me. — Lee

*       *          *         *

There was a dead squirrel in a laundry basket on Vaux this week. Nobody is likely missing it, it didn’t have a collar. But thought it was weird that it was In a laundry basket. — Leigh Novack‎

*       *          *         *

Overview: God’s gift to women. The model Man is museum-quality, finely chiseled for your enjoyment. He’ll pay you some attention, or not. He tolerates your shortcomings and most infractions. He’s gainfully employed. Sweet Roxy crib. Great hair. 97 Camaro. Boss Samurai sword. Take that any way you want, ladies. Hey take a joke – he’s here to deliver laughs, not bunch your panties. Free spirits only — move along, mamas (no fatties either).    – Michael

*       *          *         *

I found a trident by the fence behind EF train station. If you can describe it, it’s yours.  ~Gwen

I was on my phone with my grey work truck parked on lower Sunnyside, and got the weirdest feeling that I was being watched. Now, I see the students around here who can’t park for shit, and the morons who can’t read a PPA sign. Obviously East Falls would keep an eye on that! These garages I’m parked behind were built in the 1940’s – modern cars won’t fit, they’re sheds now anyway. I don’t see any No Parking signs so I’m good! I’ve parked here over 1000 times before and have never gotten a ticket. Still, I feel like I’m being watched.    ~Eddie

*       *          *         *

Dear Queen Mother,

I really hope that wasn’t a real human skull on your mantle. Cause I know that the goat, buffalo, elk, mouse, and beaver heads sure as hell are.

~Nervous Nicky

*       *          *         *

Wise One,

That tip you gave me at the bar was spot on – watching Bob Ross calms me right down and quiets the hurtful voices in my head.

~”Happy Little Tree

*       *          *         *

Aaron,  Abstaining from the absinthe is appreciated, and appropriate. — Agatha

*       *          *         *


She said that was your name. A name cannot be ascribed to a slithering bolt of soul lightning, and that’s just what you were. Decisive. Merciless. Attenuated.


*       *          *         *

I keep my squats high and my standards low – Vivaivivaviva1

*       *          *         *

Jimmy, “The man who knew too much was thought to be out of touch, with open eyes and open arms. No one could hear his alarm. Deaf ears are blankets for fears. Eyes shut don’t give a f—”  I remember the day you wrote that. Keep the fire and dream alive. I believe in your poetry and you.


*       *          *         *


When you insist I must “find my tribe” what I hear is that you fail to see that I am my own Tribe of One. It’s taken me years to find this peace, I don’t expect you to understand. ~ Call Me Chief

Sarah Thustra,

We were listening to our favorite punk bands; Dented Cod Piece, The Dripping Stools, Crème Dementor, Furious Fescue, Swamp Ass Sandwich, The Urinalmints, Ant Jemima, Color Me Bad,  and Phone Sex Mongrels, when right in the middle of ‘Straw Wrapper Mustache’ you said you loved me. Really loved me. You are truly hardcore. Hope you meant it. See you soon I hope. ~Budd Havista

*       *          *         *


How do you forgive an affair? The first order of business is to make a list of what you want to save. And then you repeat it to yourself as a mantra until the desire for revenge subsides.


*       *          *         *


Look, I’m just a tired, middle-aged woman and I don’t pretend to know what you’re thinking or what you could possibly see in me. Expectations lead to disappointment, and I’m done being disappointed by men like you slathering all over me. We’ll see how this goes but forgive me if I’m not begging you for a ring.  ~The Crone of Coulter

*       *          *         *


Hygiene is important. Some people cannot smell themselves. Can YOU smell yourself? Don’t make me bring this up to your face. Take care of it or I will.


*       *          *         *

oops busted my car near dunkin around 9pm at nite on kelly drive i was involved in a whoopsie with my car driving into a wall while i texted my bae lol. i was freaking out because I basically smashed the whole front end, and there were these two guys there that saw it all…probably early twenties?? well anyways i just wanted to thank them (hopefully you) from the bottom of my heart, for basically keeping me from having a full blown meltdown honestly lol. you were a life saver. also a girl can clean up i promise i’m not as messy as my car looks ?  okay anyways just tell me the color/make of my car and what you shared with me about yourself that helped calm me down…thanks!! ?  hope he sees this!! if anyone knows someone who saw an accident today please share this with them!!!!!!! ? ? ?

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Missed connection FACT: guys posting here for girls they will never have the balls to ask out is the usual. Rare day you will find a gf here that’s legit looking anyway. What a joke.

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Looking for Aurora from Swampoodle. Dino’s sister, used to work at the hair place. Anybody know her I wanna see her again we hooked up last summer she got very nice body with tattoos. Angela P on Wayne Ave

Dear Unevolved Humanoids of East Falls,

The Universe will soon align to the necessary coordinates to activate our Time and Matter portal that will provide your species with vast knowledge and immortality. To make this so, we now require the capsules we have been incubating in the large red cylindrical object attached to the corner building in your community’s “Ridge” and “Midvale.” We are most pleased at our timing, as a squadron of vicious Thorgons is set reach Earth in 1.5 blezots and you would be annihilated without our force field technology. East Falls has done a great service, by keeping our capsules safe. We will hail you when they have been retrieved so you may properly dispose of the “chili pepper.”  — Dornarg 88745

*       *          *         *

Nice job, Carl. I ask you to do ONE THING for me and not only did you screw it up with Bobby, but now Vinnie is calling, asking why Nancy’s involved. Seriously? Nancy? You better have a good explanation or I will have to tell Ted to let Doug in on Skippy’s plan. – Debbie

*       *          *         *

I seen you at Cranky’s last Friday you was by the door as I was on my ways out. We looked each other over. Can you be discreet?? My wife she don’t know East Falls even exists, I can hide here forever and she never finds me. Come say hi next time. I’ll buy you a beer and we’ll see what we can do for each other. Sneaky Pete

*       *          *         *

Money isn’t the only resource. In fact, it’s a relatively poor one compared to say health, happiness, freedom, wisdom, love. Naps. Why are people so goddam greedy?  Sid Hartha on West Price.

*       *          *         *

This is for missed connections – I am looking for Naughty Sauce. He knows who that is. Dude, we’re done playing. Call me. Now.  – Charlie

Quick now — the first thing that comes to your mind when I say “monkey” is “banana,” right? But you’d be wrong. The answer is “chimpanzee.” – J. Peterson, Alden Park

*       *          *         *

Beautiful girl who works at my bank branch,

You have the most amazing eyes and smile. I enjoy talking with you whenever I’m there. You’ve been telling me about how you’re fixing your nose. Again, yes you should. I’m a little older than you but still decent looking, in good shape for an 86 year old, and a nice guy. My wife isn’t dead yet, but it won’t be much longer, and I’ve been wanting to ask you out but I’m too nervous to do it. You met my daughter, who’s old enough to be your mother, the other week, right before the horrible snow storm. If you’re interested in talking sometime, let me know next time I’m in with my social security check.

~Half in Savings, Half in Checking

*       *          *         *

Who wears red pants to a zoning meeting? You, that’s who. I couldn’t take my eyes off you, as we argued about affordable housing units. Later that evening, you were somehow in my arms, in my car, oh god the things we did in my car. Who knew all of our community passion would ignite such a fire between us? Who knew you’d swish into my heart, in those startling scarlet pants of yours. Darling.

*       *          *         *

Is anyone feeding the wild animals? My son has seen 2 rats running around between the houses on our block. Not sure if it’s from the streets being dug up or what but can i contact someone to put out traps? I don’t need these in my backyard with our dog. – Queenie on School House

*       *          *         *


Let me explain this to you in language you might understand:

Briffault’s law maintains that “the female, not the male, determines all the conditions of the animal family. Where the female can derive no benefit from association with the male, no such association takes place.” Please read and understand.

Bye, Jojo

*       *          *         *

Kennie lets have another fun night hmu at work again I’m back on nights. Shawna

To the nice girl at sunoco – you told me you worked at a hotel off City Ave and went to the Chester casino a lot with your friends from hair dressing school back in the day. I bought you a pack of newports then we smoked it in the bed of my F150 pickup, lying back on the tarps. I dropped you off at your place with some ice cream. You didn’t invite me in. That’s cool but if I’d known I wouldn’t have insisted on getting strawberry. Sorry I guess.  – Lenny

*       *          *         *

Excelsior, you’re feeling tired. You’re feeling very tired, as your eyes get heavier and heavier. When I snap my finger, you will fall fast asleep. And you will not wake me up in the middle of the night biting my nose and screaming that noise you call a meow in my face. And you will not urinate upon my clothes when I am away. Sleepy, sleepy, sleepy….  ~Alex

*       *          *         *


Your army stormed my heart, marched through my arc de triomphe with your tanks. I thought I felt myself wholly surrender but it seems there’s a limit to what I’ll endure, after all.

~ Vive Le Resistance

*       *          *         *

Baby it’s cold outside! Let’s get romantic tonight in my (mostly) heated treehouse over Queen. You be hwp and able to scale a medium-sized sycamore. Come for the view, stay for the snuggles — and one of my world-famous Dutch Ovens.  ~Lucille M. DeSorta, Esq. M.S., PhD.

*       *          *         *


Wear black and let’s have a caper. Join forces, draw blood. Scream and sigh and touch lightly. Illuminate. Kiss randomly sugar tongue. Moon howl and fall into it. Let us smile knowingly. Black cross albatross. Once again, my love. Once. ~Rooted

*       *          *         *

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I have five fingers
The third one’s for you.
— Corie


Happy 2019. This year my wish is that everyone gets exactly what they deserve. How about it, Universe?

*       *          *         *

To Carlos who paid for my kebab on Chelten: thanks for spotting me that day I lost my wallet. I meant what I said about buying you dinner when I have my cards back. Text me when’s good. — Freddie

*       *          *         *

Hey I broke up with my fiancée over Christmas and she’s says we still have to go on our honeymoon cruise together because it’s all paid for and non-transferable. My mom says this is a ploy to get me back but then the girl I’m seeing says Jenna may be trying to lure me out to sea to throw me overboard. Yikes. — Chuck

*       *          *         *

Cindy I’m sorry that I’m having a hard time believing you due to your track record of being a lying liar who constantly lies out of your lying liar hole. All my so-called friends need to wake up and see that the grass is so green over there because it’s FAKE.  – Luther

*       *          *         *

So there I was working on my crosswords in my usual spot at B&B. How I could catch scent of your perfume over all the breakfast smells I’ll never know. But I did and I knew it would be you when I turned my head, and it was. Oh no so it’s going to be one of those years, is it?

Thanks, at least, for not pretending like it’s a coincidence. You know my routine. And you love to mess it up, don’t you? Well you’re here now and we both know where this is going. Let’s get it over with, I guess. You’re still a sight for sore eyes to me.  – B. W.

*       *          *         *

One more time, Rory! The driver you want is “BubbaSparxxx” but don’t make a joke about the rapper because he won’t get it (and sometimes even mentioning rap sets him off!). His name is Jamie and he will get you here and wait till you’re done and everything. Just make sure you tell him you’re coming to see “Kip Winger” and he will know to bring you to me. Not to Kip Winger. Kip Winger is not here at all. Get it?  –Xander

Wooden school desk

Vintage, $20; 195’s wooden doll cradle; $20 Vintage Christmas albums; $38-250 each.

Call Mariclare at 610-313-3283.

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Look, the way I see it, jus cuz we was on Judge Judy last week and you one don’t mean that we can’t git back twogether. Please call me or throw a brick through my window. Write “yes” on the brick. Then I’ll no. Love, Dusty

*       *          *         *

Well, now you’re never going to leave the house Caroline. That UltraMan reboot is on its way! Just let me know when they reboot MarineBoy. Ooo Weee!

*       *          *         *

I awoke to find something cold and hard on my face. It was the sidewalk. Sirens were blaring just yards away. Suddenly I was in an ambulance and you were a blur of motion around me, shining your flashlight and calling my name. When the spots blinked away, I just kept focused on your eyes: brilliant amber and reflecting light from the various machines keeping me going as we hauled ass to the hospital.

They tell me now I’m lucky to be alive and I would like to commemorate this life experience with a tattoo of your lovely eyes (with your name, of course, whatever that is). If you could send me a photo, I can turn it into a sketch but otherwise I will draw from memory. Thanks, Shawn B (the Honda Civic guy)

*       *          *         *

Black haired stranger,

We rocked out together at the 7 Horse gig back in December. Not sure if I liked Zoho Meth Sticker or Low Fuel Drug Run better live. What are your thoughts? You had to split early after the show, since you worked the next day. You had black hair and blue eyes. Please reach out to me if you don’t have kids, of course.


It’s cold out, Elaine. Haven’t I suffered enough? Let me back in. This cruelty is beneath you.


*       *          *         *


you know your hot but your cuz monica is SMOKIN’. i know we like get together sometimes but could you hook me up with her anyway while shes in town? Thanks, Gordy

ps-I know we live together, but I was too scarred to ask you in person.

*       *          *         *


I know I said I love you, but that was when you told me you’d get all the inheritance. Now after wasting ALL THIS TIME and going to your pop’s BORING funeral you tell me you have to SPLIT the full million with your two STUPID COUSINS, which means you LIED when you said you’d be a MILLIONAIRE. I’m not dating a LIAR, or a CRYBABY! I take back EVERYTHING!!!!!

And now it’s in print so everyone can see what an ass you are!!!


*       *          *         *

Alright Hank,

I’ll take the “East Falls Challenge,” too. Where am I meeting you?


*       *          *         *

There’s nothing I love more than a good teabagging. I have sugar and milk. I think you have the creamer. Hurry, the kettle’s about ready to blow. -The Earl of Grey

*       *          *         *


By the time you read this, I’ll be in Santiago. I’m sorry that we became a Missed Connection but maybe you’ll forgive the lies I had to tell you to make my break. When you’re ready to follow me go to the corner of Schoolhouse and Pulaski. Can’t miss the patch of dirt, take two steps NW from dead center, look down and start diggin’! I’ve buried a small metal box with enough money for a first class plane ticket to Santiago where a new life is waiting with me. I won’t rush you baby but I hope you follow through on all your promises. – Malcolm

*       *          *         *

It was right about then that I saw you from the treetops. You were blurry, but shiny. Like a penny. Next thing I know I slip and f–

*       *          *         *

Thunderbolt of lightning very very frightening me. — Galileo

Harry dear —

You can fetch my dinner tonight and tomorrow night and the next and you will do laundry and drive Bean around and do whatever else I ask for a long, long time. Don’t like it then tough I guess I’ll have to tell your brother what I found in that briefcase behind the dryer. Really, Harry. Your own brother!

— Janice

*       *          *         *

On a personal note,

I’d like to thank my new supporter for her sympathy regarding the anti-Dutch vitriol that I have been enduring. She has given me the courage to say to my persecutors, “Houten klompen kunnen mijn voeten pijn doen, na een wandeling van 20 mijl, maar namen resulteren in slechts een paar voetblazen.”


*       *          *         *

Dear People of the East Falls,

You may know me as Roger but I am a writer for TrustFundBrats.com. These months we’ve been interacting have been informative to say the least. I hope you’ll all share my latest blog post about the neighborhood, “Is Tackiness Hereditary?” (Spoiler: you bet!)

Anyhoo, as I return to life in the real world aka my yacht, Mumsy suggested I send you a little something for helping me with my story, however unwittingly. I heard you all wanted a playground in some park by Albert’s new cottage but then I saw these Missed Connection things and realized I could just say thank you here.  With gratitude for all you’ve done, Hap Jansen VI

*       *          *         *

WANTED: Vintage school desk, preferably wooden. Will pick up. Fair offers only.

Call Buzz 215-874-6051.

*       *          *         *

You: Pencil-thin moustache with just a dab of cream from the cappuccino you’re drinking.

Me: Pretending to be reading but so very enraptured just watching your kissable mouth as you speak softly into your phone with someone named Tina who does not love you.

I shouldn’t have eavesdropped but now I’m hoping we’ll run into each other again soon under very different circumstances. We’ll know each other when we see each other, you can call me T.

*       *          *         *

I knew it was going to be a good night when I stepped out and saw Orion in the sky, just like I always do when I’m about to get lucky.  Sure enough, that’s the night you chose to pull me from the Friendzone into your lush and abiding loins. Years of fantasizing did not prepare me for the supernova that is loving you. Suzette, you’ve left me starry-eyed.  – La Voie Lactée


Okay this one is for the Grand Prize, a 30 meter long live Octopus!

”I love sausage trees and have flown on a cannonball. I once graciously turned down the hand of marriage of Catherine the Great. Who am I?”

Write your answer, in the form of a question, on a notecard along with the promo code “86 #45” and mail it to:

The White House
c/o The Octopus Contest
1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW
Washington, DC 20500

Good luck!  — A. Tribec

*       *          *         *


Well that’s the last time I doubt your claim that you were serious about a time travel companion. That was an excellent trip. Let’s do it again.


*       *          *         *

Looking back, Larry, I still can’t spot any signs that might’ve tipped me off to your “hobby” or “fascination” or whatever you want to call your special chest. I’m trying to be open-minded but this is all so out of the blue. – Terry

*       *          *         *

If there is a new moon every month, where does the old moon go?


So great, T, you got what you want this year – and then some. In addition to your “prize” (hey, babe, I see you!), you’ll unwrap an endless supply of mind games and infidelities. You think you won but you’re not going to like these terms. Good luck.  — M

*       *          *         *

Blitzen: Sure we were friends once. A long time ago. You wore your hair long and parted down the middle. You were a few grades up from me but we hung out in the same general crowd. We went out a few times and kept in touch over the years as friends, mostly. We haven’t spoken since your dad’s funeral in 2012. I’ve been out of the loop since I moved across town, I’m not looking stir the pot but I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. We always had like an ESP thing so I figured I’d put some feelers out. See if you pick them up. – Donner

*       *          *         *

Polly Anna,

I swear you must have been a gag gift. Ha! What a joke.

No Love Lost,


*       *          *         *

Janice: Are you medically hyperactive or were you just talking figuratively? I may have some herbs for you after I evaluate your irises. Consider it my Christmas gift (I’ll throw in a foot rub from Alan!)  — Mrs P

*       *          *         *

Mr. Mittens

Truth: when Z told me about you I almost bounced. But you won me over with your cuteness and dog-like demeanor. The first time we met, I’d awakened on the futon to discover your face inches from mine – quietly, patiently waiting to be fed. You started greeting me, bringing me toys, purring in my lap. Over the years I grew to love you like a child. I will never forget you even though your mom is a spiteful bitter woman who refuses to entertain the possibility of shared custody. And she’s the one who cheated on me!!!! God help you, buddy.  – Dave

SO BORED! I wait tables so my “weekend” is Monday and Tuesday every week, when I’m off while everyone else is at work. I’m on the border of East Falls & Germantown. I’m not looking to meet anyone, I just wanted to complain about how there’s nothing to do. TJ

*       *          *         *

A Visit from St. Lickless

By CCM of Coulter Street

’Twas a night around Christmas, when all through the place
Not a creature was stirring in front of my face;
The cats were nestled all snug in our bed;
While visions of “mouse-acres” danced in their heads;
Me in my onesie, and my man in the nude,
Jack the mutt like a fur wall between us, how rude!
When out on the lawn there arose such a noise,
I sprang from the bed to go check on the boys.
Away to the window you flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters tho’ you were bare-assed.

When what to our wondering eyes did appear,
But a drunk college kid with his tongue in a beer?
He seemed to be screaming, looked like he was stuck.
“Dude if that’s frozen,” said hubby, “You’re fucked.”
With his odd little buddy, so sluggishly stoned,
I knew in a moment they’d never go home.
We ran out the door, to the top of the wall:
“Dash away, dash away, dash away all!”
We flipped on the light, and the scene was not merry:
The tongue was all swollen and red like a cherry.
“It’s late,” I yelled, “And we have to work!”
In a twinkling, the college kid turned with a jerk…

The sound that he made as he howled out of sight,
Made us glad we’re way past that dumb stage in our life.

Love you, naked man! Let our holiday weirdness begin!

*       *          *         *

You! Beautiful, tattooed, “preggo” dollie buying root beer and cigarettes at Major’s. Black pony tail, pink lip gloss, really unflattering puffy shirt. I totally believed you when you argued with Jimmy that food stamps are impossible to get without a pay stub. Glad we met, let’s get a hot dog some day. I’ll know it’s you if you can tell me what kind of fart smells like the dumpster behind Victor’s. — Jason

*       *          *         *

Fannie: So you’re blonde now, what else is new? I’ve never seen you with your nails all done, either, looks good. Different. Not my taste (as you know), but it’s nice to see you treating yourself in moderation. We should talk about Dougie. Pick up next time when I call.  – Robin

Heartwarming Walk with Larry

Our paths crossed on Maplewood, and by Wayne we were chatting like old friends. You told me about your life and I shared about mine. How long did we talk, an hour? Two? I hope we meet up again, God willing.  – CB

*       *          *         *

Still Rockin’ My Style!!!!!!!

Inexplicably the last thing you said to me that freezing November morning – “Keep rockin’ your style!”   ?????

I had chased you down the street to the train station in my mud mask and nightgown. The first footwear I’d grabbed out the door had been cowboy boots of all things. Still, I’d clomped after you, hoping (and screaming).

At least all the commuters looked away while I begged you to stay, and one of them offered to drive me home after your train pulled away. “Don’t make this a habit,” he told me, dropping me off. I wonder if he meant the abandonment or my outfit? Neither one was my first choice…

Don’t worry about me, though. I’m ROCKIN’ MY STYLE with your three kids. You do you, baby. – Cheryl

*       *          *         *

WHO: Medium height, slight build, plaid flannel shirt, newbie to the neighborhood heading downtown for a business conference.

WHAT: Chatty ride to Jefferson Station – including some sparks with a tall, dark, and delicious grad student halfway to Washington.

WHERE: Queen Lane train station, southbound

WHEN: Monday, November 19 (around 10 am)
HOW is it possible I don’t have your info? Hit me up when you get back, I’d love to show you around. My friends would love you. Maybe I would too.  – Jimmy Olsen


I was lost in a love desert. Thirsty, tired, beaten. Maybe you’re a mirage, but you seem to be my oasis. Please don’t dry up or disappear.

Thankfully, Curtis

*       *          *         *


The Holiday Party. First off, most people get drunk AT the party, rather than BEFORE the party. Next, we could’ve done without your screaming “Make This Party Great Again!” over and over during Becky’s and Tom’s speeches. Reminder: Joan puts a lot of effort into these assemblies. All you have to do is sit quietly for a bit and then there’s still like 90 minutes of open bar left.

But noooooo. Then that thing you did with the mistletoe – oh wow, how original. “I guess I have to kiss it, some pervo’s holding a plastic sprig over it…” In your dreams, freak.

I wish this could be more of a message of peace and goodwill but honestly, I hope you have a life-long hangover. Sincerely, Diana PS You better pray Phil’s not your supervisor next quarter!

*       *          *         *


This post-Thanksgiving, I just want to make it abundantly clear that when I complimented your mother on her “succulent breasts,” I honestly was referring to the dish she had served earlier that evening. I’ll admit, though, it was a little weird that I was whispering this to her while she slept soundly beside your father in their darkened bedroom.

I have no excuse, except that I couldn’t get her cooking out of my mind. I have to have that recipe!!! Please come home. — Collin

Why do I always screw up? Is that what you want to know, Meg? Will it make you feel better if I admit that I’m a loser and my life is crap? Will it make Mom happier to know that we ALL agree I’m the worst member of the family? Do you need me to give your precious DNA back? Is that what this is about??!!  Addison

*       *          *         *

Christmas Wish for East Falls: Please, Santa, make all the dog poop go away.  – S.P.

*       *          *         *

K, dear:

Thanks for being such a nice addition to the family, I know Del seems really happy these days. This year was your first time hosting Thanksgiving for our family, and I wanted to give you a report as no one else in this clan of cowards has the guts to tell you.

That fancy shit you made, we had no clue what you were feeding us. Between courses, we’d huddle over whether we’d just eaten meat or veggies or what.

Your menu cards didn’t help: Was the black stuff kale, fennel, blood, what!? Why is the “pumpkin risotto” so brown? Chardonnay gravy — wtf? I’ll have my wine in a glass, thanks, without the simmered giblets.

There’s such a thing as trying too hard!  Give it up and go get some Stove Top.  — Aunt Lottie

*       *          *         *


I thought you were inviting me to an innocent, intimate turkey dinner at your place. I had not expected so many thighs, breasts, wattles and wings… And all that stuffing and mashing…  cream sauce all over your tiny tender onions… And the ladyfingers your sister brought over. And warm cream pie a la moaned…

What a surprisingly eventful and stimulating evening! I hope you can forgive me about the minor doily incident, it was my first time with that kind of thing.  — Cordially, Michael

You know who you are. This time of year is unbearable since you walked away from our life. The world turns in joy for everyone else. For me, it stopped like a roulette wheel. Poised over blackness, spinning ashes to ashes. Turning us both to dust. Why?

Still love, always… Kim

*       *          *         *

Yo Jefferson! We keep bumping into each other in the stairway – the one that’s like a million degrees. That’s been our running gag, how ridiculously hot & stuffy that one stairwell is. So. Hot. In. There. — Nelly

*       *          *         *

Does anyone still talk on the phone anymore? Do you want to talk with me? I will talk to anyone! Just send me your number and when I can call and you will hear from me. No exceptions.  — Josh

*       *          *         *

Thanksgiving magic?

Many years ago, I was sulking along Germantown Ave – feeling sorry for myself for not having enough time or money to spend the holidays with my family in another state. Then there YOU were. Out of nowhere on a cold deserted street. “We’re just two lonely people on Thanksgiving night!” you called brightly to me.

You offered to bring me down some soup, and then on a whim invited me up to your place, where we could cook up whatever we could find in your fridge and cupboards….

Once inside, however, the stench was overpowering. And besides you didn’t have a stove, only a hot plate. All I could think, backing down into the sidewalk and hurrying on my way, was how good it felt to know I was heading home to a nice apartment that didn’t smell like garbage and cat pee.

Just like that, I was out of my Holiday funk. Not saying I believe in Divine intervention, but it’s spooky how you turned up at just the right time. Thanks, Universe.

My name is Ken

*       *          *         *

Miss Jill: I swear I met you at Marty’s place in the Poconos. Or maybe at the Nusspickel’s wedding last June. What a surprise running into you ringing up hoagies back in the old neighborhood. Did you recognize me? Sorry I didn’t say anything but you seemed to be in a hurry. That was me who put the $10 bill in your jar.  Sir Todd

*       *          *         *


Hi Julie,
I’m going to Donegal Ireland next week for the holiday. Won’t you join me? I know it’s weird, but I think you’ll love it.
~”Uncle” Bill and Mr. Fingers

*       *          *         *
Magic Girl: I never saw you coming. It’s like you dropped out of the sky, like manna from heaven. Like how my koi fish feel when I feed them at sunrise. So grateful. So fulfilled.

I promise you this, if you let me: I’ll try to erase all that bad shit that happened to you before, and you didn’t deserve, and was not your fault, and eclipse it with love and happiness like you never imagined possible. I’ll turn all your dirty lemons into the finest lemonade. Add a splash of tequila, and dance with you until you say “When.”  — Matt P.

*       *          *         *
Dear Philadelphia,

I can’t get it out of mind. My friend Chuck laid on your streets strung out on cheap smack. Schizophrenic as hell. He is a straight-up genius, very precious to me. He was garbage to you. Just an FYI.  – Dave

*       *          *         *
Burgundy Cowboy Boots: I held the door as you catwalked into LeBus – you came up behind me like you expected me to step aside (which I did). You said “Why thank you” with the sweetest hint of a Southern twang. We both bought baguettes and we smiled at each other on the sidewalk. I was working up the nerve to start a conversation, when your Uber arrived to whisk you away. Hope to see you again.  ~Jim (dark hair & beard)

Y’all!! This Thanksgiving, change out ordinary stuffing and potatoes with GRITS!! Then you can kiss mine later at Mel’s! ~Flo

*       *          *         *
To ALL the FOXES in town. Imma just gonna put this out here. I have money. Lots of money. Money, money, MONEY. More money than I know what to do with if you catch my drift and I think you do. Come git me. Email or call me at: 610-9

*       *          *         *
I never knew someone could be so there, you know? So there for me. So completely and deeply just for me and no one else. Like, if anyone else even tried, you’d be all, “Get away, this is just us!” You’re the only one I trust. Please don’t let me down. – Sharynne

*       *          *         *

Denise, that was an interesting night when we broke into the pool with Kim, Scott, and Mike at midnight. Wish we’d skinny dipped. Still fun, watching you scale the wall in your flipflops. Damn if you didn’t land on your feet.  – Craig

*       *          *         *
J — Face it, your brother is HOT. Don’t blame ME for flirting with him. I guess I’ve got a thing for the dudes in your family. PS Next time your dad propositions me, I’m going for it. Seriously, he’s a catch.

*       *          *         *
Fred, I swear to god, I wasn’t dropping acid again when I saw the swamp creature oozing up Calumet last night. I swear to god, it was real and IT LIVES!!!! – Janice

*       *          *         *

Where’d You Go? We used to have great fun some days. I would call you a pirate, lol. We could have some drinks, some laughs, watch a movie together and then have some fun. Not sure what happened. I miss seeing you, miss spending time in your apartment by the Wissahickon. – Jerry

Steven Seagal.

Oh my. You are so freakin’ HOT. First of all, you’re Steven Seagal – not Seagull. And then you have all the moves. You like candles. You are just perfect. I’m Dawn. I’m from East Falls and, like I saw you on set once and you probably saw me. OMG, Steven Seagal. CALL ME!  Xxxxxxoooooo LOVE, Dawn

*       *          *         *

Yo, Brett,
You’re a true bro. Bros b4 hoes, bro. I like beer too. No means YES, bro. Right on. Now, get going and change things – you can make us time travelers, take us back to 1901, bro!
Mitch & Don

*       *          *         *

FOR DANNY OR LEIGH: Around Dutch Hollow, I found a page from a spiral notebook dated 3-12-18, a note to Danny from Leigh. It’s a break-up note, I think. The writing is beautiful, Leigh seems to be a very mature and thoughtful young woman – impossible to know her age by this small sample but guessing high school?

Anyway, the letter is just a fragment of a longer piece, and the ink has been quite smeared by the elements in areas. I’m dying to know more. If anyone knows Danny or Leigh or can help me track them down, please reach out. Thanks! – PJ

*       *          *         *

Hey, Don’t mess with the nest, y’all. ~Dr. Phil

*       *          *         *

Dear East Falls,

I’ve been haunting your neighborhood for 18 months. I have seen no reports, reaction, or anything. What do I have to do? Actually scare you?! That humming, and the thing with the light in your window – that’s ME! Okay?! Hello????  ~ Helena Blavatsky

*       *          *         *
Dear Deers, please watch out for the cars. They’re swift and steely and will be the end of you if you are not careful. Thank you, Concerned Motorist and Great Fan of Local Wildlife

*       *          *         *
Chance favors those who seek it. We met by chance. Let’s seek her favor.

What are the chances, Sue?
What. Are. The. Odds. Really?! The odds that you’d barge in just as soon as my first Devil’s Triangle got going. What a messed up coincidence. Of course I’m sorry but I’m also mad. Just because you’re my girlfriend doesn’t give you the right to ruin a dream for me. That is, like, so unfair.  ~Brad
*       *          *         *
Let me paint a picture for you:
1. The Police showed up at our house.
2. You brought them here with a high speed chase.
3. You had an open six pack in your car.
4. You left a huge bag of weed and a bigger bag of meth in my purse.
5. You had a hooker in the car.
Which of those qualifies you to remain my husband?!

*       *          *         *
It was rainy.
Suddenly, the sun came right out. First thing I saw was your radiant smile.

Let’s do that again. And again. And again. I wish I knew how to show my appreciation, but now I am just so happy to bask in your warm glow.  — Sonny Boy

*       *          *         *
Fat Chance, Debbie. I certainly don’t want to be with Angie or even talk to her anymore. She claims she’s changed, but I see no evidence. None at all. She’s still up to the same old threats and bullshit. Swear to god, I will get a restraining order if she doesn’t leave us alone. I called Chuck already, if he can’t deal with her then the law will. You tell her I care for her but I do not love her. I do not. – Sam

*       *          *         *
Just ask yourself this:
‘What does the world want from me?”
“What do I want from the world?”

Then have a nap because nothing really matters and we have no control anyway. Might as well be well-rested. #EatTheDamnCake

*       *          *         *
Dear Readers,

On a personal note, I have received an overwhelming amount of emails and calls that are clearly anti-Dutch, As you know my name is Lichtenhollen and I can’t help where I’m from. Windmills, flowers wooden shoes. Just. Just, be nice. ~Karl


Oh please Licorice Whip. Spare me the drama. Better yet, spare yourself these manufactured exercises in working yourself up over nothing.

~ Madame Buttercup

*       *          *         *

Rae-Ann Gumbo,

How DARE you. Just because I spray on extra generous portions of AXE before we meet up with Heather at LeBus, does not (necessarily) mean I have a thing for her. Look, I can’t help what her feelings are, I cannot rein in her animal urges. She can’t be contained. Also, that mark on my neck that you think is a hickey can be explained. I was running the vacuum cleaner and this thing happened. I’m not going to say that I didn’t enjoy it, but it wasn’t her. And the one on the other side is not from Denise. So, you can stop being jealous already.


*       *          *         *


Tell me about it. Tell me aaallllll about it. You need to stop frontin’ and come slithering back on your belly like the low-down, slimy amphibian you are, and suck my toes and lick my fingers. I’ll feed you crickets.


*       *          *         *


I just don’t know, I’m not a gambler. I’m no longer willing to roll the bones at my heart and soul’s expense. All you’ve shown me is snake eyes, when I was looking for cat’s eyes.   ~21

*       *          *         *

“Dit dit dit blah blah blah bip da dit dit…who’s that girl?”

Keep running into you at Major’s, then at Queen Lane train station then again at Germantown Espresso Bar. I swear I’m not stalking you. It’s gotta be our density. You smile at me everytime, but I’m a shy boy. Can’t you make the first move?


Some people are so damn jaded that they won’t love again. I refuse to be that person. I refuse to let this world convince me that love isn’t real. Isn’t possible. Isn’t right in front of our noses. I’ll keep smiling and when I find that smile back – my point will be proven. Until then, the birds and the passing clouds will do. As well as my JackRabbit.

*       *          *         *

Oh you’re FROSTY.

You keep it so frosty. You’re cold as ICE, and it’s so hot. The colder the shoulder the better baby. Tats, beard, blank stare, empty eyes … I swoon. Keep on keepin’ on keeping it FROSTY!


*       *          *         *


I’m walking past an open window on Calumet street and I hear piano sounds floating through the air. Like I’ve never heard. So I walked across the street so I wouldn’t look like a peeping Thomasina and I watched your profile as you played your songs. Dancing through the leaves at the top of the trees. I closed my eyes and was carried away.

I hope we meet, so I can sit next to your piano and shovel that beauty into my soul. A kiss from your soul would almost be too much.


*       *          *         *


Fidney said it was you. I dunno buh it better nah be. You know she was like “yea” and I was like ”yea, know” and all, how you been sayin that, let some dog play me like that. Alright, you love him that’s your business not mine. That’s your business. Gina was like all, uh uh and all, I know what’s what, you know what I’m saying?


*       *          *         *


I liked you better when you were you. Is it me but I feel like we’re not us anymore? ~Sahara.

J: If it makes me a jerk to say that I won’t be attracted to you if you gain weight again this holiday season, then I guess I’m a jerk. It’s the truth though. Why would you want me to lie?  — L

*       *          *         *

Dear Weather,

Here’s a calendar. Please, be so kind as to rain only on the WEEKDAYS and leave the weekends sunny. That’d be great.


*       *          *         *


I’ve never written in to any of these stupid things before, but my friend Lucy said I should. Since, maybe you’d see it. Maybe. I have short black hair and always wear a Ramones t-shirt. I’m like Thomas Edison like that, he wore the same outfit everyday so he wouldn’t waste brain power. That’s how I am with my Ramones t-shirts. Just like that. You have curly blonde hair, green eyes and a wicked smile. Now you can pick me out. Ask me out. I’ll probably say yes. Maybe. But probably.


*       *          *         *


I’ve had it with your friend Larry. He is obnoxious and unscrupulous. He is no longer welcome in our home. However, you may have beers with him at the Regal Beagle.

Chrissy & Janet

*       *          *         *

It’s over, Dawn.  ~Dusk

*       *          *         *

Could not believe my eyes

Sometimes, Warren, the enormity of a situation fails to hit you all at once. Then one day you ask yourself, “How is this even possible?” Seeing is believing. Well, then it comes to pass: I can believe again. I’m not mad at you – the opposite, actually. Whatever your reasons, I’m sure I can understand. We need to find a way to heal together. – Humble For Once

Voices Carry

First you said you were visiting from Italy and then you told my friend you were Cuban. You sound kinda foreign but when you’re drunk you lose your accent. Of course we both still want to get with you. Whoever the hell you are.

*       *          *         *

GUY WHO PRETENDED TO BE SARA’S NEW BOYFRIEND at the EF train station 9/15 evening: Thank you, I think you scared the bejesus out of him. He hasn’t even texted me since. If you wanna grab a beer sometime, stop by my work and I’ll give you my number. – Sara

*       *          *         *

Debbie, Peter is Looking for You! I didn’t tell him anything but you’re going to have to make a decision!! Too many people know anyway. – A Friend

*       *          *         *

MITCH: Don’t tell me again how right you were about Adam. You don’t have to be a genius to have seen that coming. What I am curious about is how you could live right there under the same roof and not DO something. Anything. Tell anyone. You think you won but I’m onto you.  – Jerry

*       *          *         *

Butterscotch makes me think of you which is funny because I love you but I hate butterscotch. Particularly the hard candy kind which tastes like snot to me. As a pudding, though, it’s OK. Not great but I’ll eat it.  – Ben

*       *          *         *

For Halloween I would like to wear one of those two-person costumes like a horse or a cow where one of us (you) wears the head and then the other (me) shuffles behind with our hands on the hips in front. Giddayup! – Wild Wild Wesley

*       *          *         *

Chatty Cathy in EF Library – I didn’t want you to sit next to me because I knew you and your two girlfriends were going to yak yak yak and I come to the library for silence. But yes finally it seems you were so cute I didn’t really matter. I gave up an afternoon’s work to make small talk. If you see me next time say hello, I’d love to grab a cup of coffee sometime.  – James the Germantown architect


You read Jack Reacher novels, with Star Trek in the background, whilst sniffing ill-gotten ether. Where have you gone, you perfect specimen?

~Paul D. Taylor, PhD

*     *     *     *     *     *

Coral shorts and flip flops at A&N Produce late Monday morning. You laughed when I said you smelled like donuts, when I’d meant to say coffee. You seemed to keep looking back at me like you wanted to say something. I was in a hurry though – otherwise I would’ve made conversation. Hope we see each other again soon. – Duncan

*     *     *     *     *     *

Hey white Jeep Cherokee gassing up at Sunoco, we were both grabbing cherry sodas for the road. Pulling out behind you, you seemed to be going super slow for me to follow you. I wasn’t sure, though. You have my card. Please let me know if I can be of any assistance. – G

*     *     *     *     *     *

Robin, Thanks to you for making me a bird watcher. ~Gil

*     *     *     *     *     *

hell no leelee wen he say you lyin and she say you lyin and they all say you lyin then YOU LYIN BITCH!!!! read it in the paper

*     *     *     *     *     *

I walked up just as your blunt was burning down and soggy. I know you only offered as a joke, but it blew your mind, didn’t it, when I covered my badge and totally hit that. I could’ve done without the selfie your girlfriend took, though. In fact, I’d like to get in touch as soon as possible about getting that image deleted asap. Thanks!  — Acifer Freundly

Holly, what would I do without you? I’ll tell you what I’d do:

I’d come and go as I damn well please.
I’d come home from the bar whenever I damn well please.
At the bar, I’d drink whatever and however much I damn well please.
I’d talk to whoever I damn well please.
I’d watch any channel I damn well please.
I’d eat anything I’d damn well please.
I’d do whatever I damn well please — all the time.
That’s what I’d do without you.
Also, I’d listen to more Dokken. As loud as I damn well please.  ~Andrew

*     *     *     *     *     *

Walking  I see u walking every morning an I beep an finally u waved to me if u see this tell me what I drive or where i see you.

*     *     *     *     *     *

Holy moly you are fine, dude, with your bucket hat in August which was weird but still a good look for you. You said you were thirsty so we went for g+t’s at Franklin’s in the middle of the afternoon. Good times, refreshing beverages, hours fly. I go to the bathroom and you run for the train! Was it something I said? An emergency? Are you hiding from someone? I don’t care about the tab, but I just might die of curiosity. If you read this please contact me somehow. – Chris from Blue Bell Hill.

*     *     *     *     *     *

Oh Henry, Why do you tempt me so? We must stop meeting this way. ~Alexis

R:  When you bring the rain, you pour and pour; I’m awash. Your sun, when it shines, gives light but no warmth; I’m cold and nearly blinded. They say there’s no such thing as bad weather, only inadequate gear. I say obviously they’ve never met you, my darling. — G

*     *     *     *     *     *


I know you don’t believe in lucid dreaming, but thank you for visiting me in dreamland! We ended up in the bathroom during the party, rehashing all our old tricks. Might revisiting our bond in real life appeal to you? Let’s see how it goes.  ~Elizabeth

*     *     *     *     *     *

Giants hat at Oldies in the Park: I yelled at you for flashing me then it turned out you were wearing pants after all so I had to apologize to you and your family. Is it me or did we have a moment? Also, was that lady your wife or your sister?  Call me Keeshie

*     *     *     *     *     *

To the big conductor on the R6 who helps me up the steps at EF station every weekday:  I really don’t need assistance, I just have a thing for fat guys. I’m not single but I’m dying to mingle! Lemme know if you’re into it.  ~Sam with the lunchbox on the late train

*     *     *     *     *     *

You strike my soul when we fly, and it hurts. You spike my tea, and I like that. I will sleep with one eye open as long as I’m around you. This probably isn’t love but there’s a chance it’s something epic.  ~Yours

Cecelia, Your compliment was sufficient. Once again, you have mistaken me for Marcus. Which is understandable because we work together at the same restaurant. We also go to the same barber, but I have a slightly better haircut. Call me.  ~Pat

*     *     *     *     *     *

Flag man
Anyone know who the guy was directing traffic through the work crew on Queen Lane in early August? He wore his shirts rolled up and had a tattoo sleeve on his left arm. We chatted about dog rescue one day and I meant to get his info. I’m Stacy near Fisk with the pit bull mix.

*     *     *     *     *     *
Yourself, We talked about lizards under the fool moon. I should have made a move, maybe it was too soon. I’d love to see you again. The irony of the chirping crickets behind us did not escape me.  MeSelf
*     *     *     *     *     *
You called me odd but adorable – what am I to think? Or better yet, what are YOU thinking? You can’t just say that to my sister and walk away. You owe me an explanation. You know how I feel.  ~D

*     *     *     *     *     *
Sweet baby J, I never answered your question. The most romantic moment I ever had. I’ll tell you one thing, it was with you. Wild, huh? Ask me again in person, I won’t forget to tell you.  – Tender lovin’ C

*     *     *     *     *     *
WELL YES I WOULD like to be an insect. To fly around town, pester people. Maybe sting and bite. Conquer all. Buzz, buzz!  ~Geoff


Don’t try to tell me you only went out for milk. I could smell Cranky Joe’s all over you. Don’t bother to lie but if I find any evidence I’m going straight to the authorities.   ~MrsL

*    *    *    *

I begged you to console me, not cajole me,
Nor control me.
Tell me, what about my self-expression threatens you?
How does it feel, to know I’ll never stop?
~Blue Bird

*    *    *    *

Ode to Your Booty

Why, I adore your buttocks, D!
Their shape, their size, their squish.
My eyes they feast upon your haunch —
What a tantalizing dish!

Oh wow your butt it rallies me
To sing your praises far:
For drum-tight cheeks in yoga pants,
I thank my lucky stars!

PS They wouldn’t print my limerick about your hoo-ha.

*    *    *    *
On Friday July 13th you were at Franklins with 2 friends and your cousin. I was trying to get my friend to dance with you, but you kept asking me to dance instead (which I don’t dance). So we sat on the deck and took turns chugging airplane bottles of fireball and rumplemintz from my purse. I think you bought me an Irish Trash Can. Pretty sure we made out a little, too. I wish you asked me for my number or found me on facebook. Writing this feel so pathetic but I can’t stop thinking about you and don’t know what else to do. My name is Lanie and I go to Jefferson.

Can’t believe you’d walk right by me at the Farmer’s Market, and not even say hello. I’m tired of being mad, aren’t you? Maybe we should stop arguing bullet points at each other and instead try empathy? And maybe you could take this fresh seasonal zucchini and shove it up your Trump-loving ass. ~Martzie

*    *    *    *


*    *    *    *

I know this is sort of a long shot, but I’m going to throw it out there to the Universe and see if it sticks: I, Molly N., really hope that a meteorite survives the earth’s punishing atmosphere to crash through the roof of your hideous Prius hatchback to squash you like a bug in the driver’s seat. Splat, karmic justice.

*    *    *    *

Yuck, Reese’s feces! That was no fun. Let’s switch to Starburst.
~MM Mars

*    *    *    *

I knew when we were in school together that we’d have a life together, and I guess we do though not how I imagined. But after 30+ years I know we’ll always stay in touch and crack each other up, inspire each other, and make each other think. I’ll take it!

*    *    *    *

Madame –
Surely you jest, or underestimate my vigor. I can tell you right now in all seriousness that should you provide me the opportunity to prove myself, you would gladly eat your words. I’m game for a free demo if you are.  – Mister Man

Jennifer:  Can’t stop thinking about that night at the beer garden, and that amazing walk home along the river. I’ve forgotten 90% of the constellations you pointed out to me – hopefully you’re open to giving me a refresher course soon.
~Matt from Merrick

*    *    *    *

Milo Von Stupid,
Thank you for laying that comment down on the record.  I’m glad you got the nerve to do it.
~Greta Van Haagen Das

*    *    *    *

To my landlord downstairs,
You are old and average looking but still I have this recurring fantasy that someone breaks into the building and holds me hostage. And you reach me by clever hidden passages in the walls, and as you’re rescuing me I am like “Would you like to kiss me?” and you say “I’ve always loved you!” and we get married and then I’m a landlord too.   ~Maddie

*    *    *    *

You Old Soul,
I’ve followed you from Belarus to Bolognese to Bowman Street. There’s so much more to you than you know. Open your mind, and accept the role you’re meant to play.
~La Bella Donna Rosa

*    *    *    *

So sorry Lyndsay but your boyfriend is a total blowhard and we have no idea what you see in him. We’ve all just been putting up with him, and hoping you’ll wake up. Maybe this will help. We love you! You deserve better! – Katie and everyone

*    *    *    *

Aunt Janie please stop telling Uncle Pete he can cook. It was fine when he was just burning shit on the grill and making up his weird marinades but now he’s curing meats in that filthy basement??!!! Someone WILL get sick or worse. If I see his rancid soppressata at Meemaw’s 80th this month, it goes straight to the garbage disposal.  – Theresa

Yo Bill!
How are you feeling? Have you heard anything about it yet? I also grew up in Germantown so you know I’m waiting for the same info.  I hope we’re both ready when we get it.  Let me know if you want to discuss details.

*    *    *    *

Royal C,
Are you sure you know what you’re doing? Because whenever you come out for drinks, a different guy is hanging all over you. You can’t possibly be as into them as you’re pretending to be. What gives? I’m here if you want to talk.   ~King Diamond

*    *    *    *

If you’re wondering why I might seem to be avoiding you these days:  I found your creepy X-Files sketchbook the other day. With all those pages of Scully and Mulder tentacle “art.” Omg. What is wrong with you??!! Of course I can’t look at you now. I can barely live in the same house with you. I like to think I’m open minded, but… Believe me, I wish I could un-see that shit.  — ~The Smoking Woman

*    *    *    *

Marissa the Mt Airy book keeper:

I was buying clearance flower bulbs at Germantown Kitchen Garden, when you walked by and said you should take this sale as a sign you should do some gardening. We both went through the bulbs together, making small talk. You were very nice looking! I would’ve asked you to dinner but I am shy.

~Herb (financial planner downtown)

*    *    *    *

Hey Good Lookin’
Jay you say You seen me on Conrad strete, now come see what I got cookin’ in my Kitchen for ya. I got a hot buttered Biscuit wait in’ fer you to eate.
~Mamma Lee

*    *    *    *


You lit my way once and I found my way back. Somehow I’m lost again in a dark, dark fog.  Won’t you shine for me again?    ~Dirt

Hey man:

It’s been a while since you wore a wallet chain, and your hair like Zack on Saved by the Bell.  I still remember your pager number, and our secret code for messages. I can see you playing that old thrift shop guitar on the steps behind the church. My darling, you rocked then. And my sweetheart, you rock now.

~Your old lady

*    *    *    *

What do you see in her? Why are jumping through all her silly hoops? I don’t get it. I’m right here in front of you. We could be great together. What does it take?    ~Needlessly Lonely Betty

*    *    *    *

Your face looked blurred through the rain and the steam rising from the hot concrete of New Queen.
Still, I stopped in my tracks, damn the driving downpour.
I know you — not how I know you, but I know you.
Hoping one day I will see you in the sun, and all will be clear.

*    *    *    *

Bonita, I misspoke!  When I said “I would like to sleep with your roommate,”  I meant “wouldn’t.”    ~Your fella

*    *    *    *

Danielle: You are a sky writer, I’m a star gazer. Let’s meet on common ground.  Love, Richard

*    *    *    *

I can’t believe you’re still peeing in people’s driveways on your drunken route home from Murphy’s every night. You have a serious hygiene problem and probably psychological issues as well. I’m telling you as a friend. You’re going to get caught on video and then what will you tell your son? — Jeannine

*    *    *    *

Queen Lane train station, Thursday July 5h: Thank you so much for your help with directions, and where my girlfriends and I could grab a good lunch. They all agreed afterwards that we were flirting! Were we? I certainly did find you handsome. I regret not asking for your business card, or offering you mine. Will return to Rose Petals with the ladies August 16th. If interested, meet me or leave your contact info with the hostess.  My name is Charone.


DJ: Three, two, one…. BOOM! I warned you that would happen, if you played with fire around me. — Tina

* * * * *

You stole my Beach Rattan Wicker Furniture! I decorated in the style of a Balkan resort town from the 1970s with an eclectic assortment of discount furniture; replete with the discordant appointment of second-hand prints and museum exhibition posters. I expected to meet you at Le Bus on ridge! Where Johnny Menanmas used to be! And I get home and my furniture is gone!!! I could fine more testosterone in a planned parenthood dumpster you mean man. I liked you!! And I want my furniture back!
Sharty B.

* * * * *
Meredith, you’ve got my attention. Not my respect or my trust or my admiration, but at least now I’ve noticed you. Oh wait, look over there. That’s much more interesting, what is that…? Oh right, it’s everything else besides you. Take a walk, lady. I can’t even. — Jan

* * * * *
What do we want?
Time travel!
When do we want it?

* * * * *
Your choice of front lawn flowers is spectacular. So are you.
* * * * *
While you might despise me, I think you’re a great dude. Carolyn made me do it.
* * * * *
Oh you’ve gotta be kidding me, Matt. You wait till NOW to go back to her? You owe me for all the money I spent planning our wedding. Break my heart, whatever, but if you stiff me on this I swear to god you will regret it. Your EX fiancée.

* * * * *
Dance with me, take a chance on me.
Pour me a glass of that special wine you make.
I’ll play you some songs, guaranteed to change your life.
What have you got to lose?

I gotta level with you, Uncle Doug. No one – and I repeat: NO ONE! – is going to pay good money for you to “life coach” them. Dude, you’re a pothead who lives with his mother. Coach yourself, first. PS that’s not even a real job anyway – All of Us

* * * * *
I don’t know why I always put everyone else first, but I do and then I resent it. I used to feel guilty but now I’m like, Really? All this shit I do for you, and you don’t feel any urge to reciprocate? Oh, I’m resentful alright. Deal with it. — Miss Jackson

* * * * *
You: scurrying thru alleys, jumping walls
Me: calling 911 when I see you.
Still, I left a pack of cigarettes, a lighter, and the change from my pockets in the skull ashtray on my porch. I hope you’re OK.

* * * * *
Dear Universe:
When I was young I thought if I was rich, I would be happy.
When I was rich, I thought if I was in love I would be happy.
When I was in love, I thought if I had a purpose in life I would be happy.
Now that I have purpose, I’m thinking I’d like to be rich again, please. Pretty sure I won’t blow it all, this time. Thanks! – Margaret

* * * * *
My Morticia,
Your ghoulish proclivities creep me out. Especially how you like to get it on during Forensic Files.
~Your Gomez
* * * * *
Sorry dude I had to ghost you after that meme you shared on Facebook. What are you, a Russian troll? PASS!

* * * * *
You should know that you’re the best. Heart of gold. I didn’t expect you’d know just what to do, and then do it so selflessly. I feel very humbled and fortunate. I love you.
* * * * *
When I was tickling your toes, driving you to the moon, you giggled “Steve.” I am not Steve.

You made oatmeal cookies with raisins. Why? Is this a test? A trick? Some kind of sick joke?

* * * * *
Mike M, that time we went to the B&D convention? The model was a no-show, so I wore the rubber suit with the goggles and the hood and everything. I couldn’t hear, I couldn’t speak. You couldn’t see my nose or lips or even tell what my face looked like – it was like I was in a bubble the whole night. Best four hours of my life! Can we do this again? Soon?

* * * * *
Please take me back.
Into your heart.
And back before all this.

* * * * *
I’ve been watching you closely. I’ll reveal myself in time. Pretty sure you catch my drift. — Iris

* * * * *
Good news and bad news: fireworks are finally legal in PA. July 4th!! It’s going to be explosive.

* * * * *

I don’t ask for much. I really don’t. I just want you to put down the toilet seat when you go to the bathroom. Cause falling in is a cold, wet, shock to the system. And btw there’s more hair on the floor than on your head, honey. It’s a shag carpet in there. It’s weird cause you’re not all that hairy to look at but wow.  Baby Girl

Excelsior! Our truce is officially OVER!!!! I’ve had it with your cold stares and constant disdain. The hairballs in my work shoes. You bite my nose every morning at 5am, I wake up screaming as you fly off the bed. When I finally catch you, it won’t be pretty. Two words: bath tub. Revenge will be sweet.   – Alex Your Sworn Enemy

* * * * *
Danny you’re still talking about that vacation I took. Say you want all the details. If you saw the pictures you’d have a heart attack, those guys were gorgeous. Lol. But seriously, don’t ask. – Mandi

* * * * *
You: It’s constantly you. I come home and you want me to tell you how great you are and how lucky I am and that all your batshit ideas are golden and go along with your stupid stories about how you’re “so busy” all day when we both know you’re sitting on your ass watching TV.  All I want to do is relax, have a nice little drink. Forget I married a total idiot. Enough! Me

* * * * *
Hey Genius! Now you’re some kind of eye candy, you. Those tight white corduroys. Wide-wale. How did you even find that Member’s Only jacket? Please tell me there’s a Bat Out of Hell concert shirt underneath. We see each other sometimes at Quizzo. You’ll know it’s me when I make fun of your checkered Vans. Ask me out, I am way into you. — Chrissy

* * * * *
Bing Man,

You stole my heart. And my potted plants. Please return one or the other.
Thanks,  Elaine

* * * * *
Kissing you is like my soul is sucking on a lemon. And yet I can’t stop.



Dear Jared, I am writing this to officially uninvite you to my N. Wildwood beach house this summer. Please don’t stop by. Even platonically. Me and my friends find you really annoying. All the best, Sarah

* * * * *

Hey watch where you’re pointing that thing, Skippy, it could go off at any time and then we’ll both get it all over us. Neither one of us wants that, capisce?

* * * * *

Paul E,
Gross, really gross.  I wondered why you used so much cologne. Wow, did I find out the hard way. Hygiene, dude. It’s a thing.  ~Still Gagging

* * * * *

You jerk.  I’m not crying over you, I’m crying because now I have to build my life all over again. And it sucks. We’re not kids anymore and I can’t keep doing this. I thought we were on the same page and now I see you’ll never grow up. Why should you? There’s always another “me” to scoop you up. And then cry when the truth finally hits.

* * * * *

Dear PuppyDog,
Who’s a good boy? Who wants a cookie? Roll over so I can scratch your tender vulnerable belly. Feels good, doesn’t it? Sorry I had to whap your nose with the newspaper, but you make that mess again and it’ll be off to the pound for you.

~Lady of the House

You know those rat cocaine addiction experiments with the food pellets and cocaine pellets? Well, just seeing you walk by is like the cocaine pellets for me. I wriggle my whiskers and my little red eyes glow.

* * * * *

Sorry I missed your call. Despite my tweets, we’re still on for the big date in June! I hope we can work out a deal! Just don’t go nuclear on me! 😉
Love,  Kim

* * * * *


You got it goin on. Even tho u punted my crotch like a rugby ball when I called you babe, I know yure hott 4 me.
~Call me yimyam

* * * * *

I can’t wait to taste your special smerfelukin again. So fragrant and sweet – I detect a touch of lutefisk flavor in there, too. Homey! Reminds me of MorMor.
— Olaf

* * * * *

Turkey hoagie at Majors: I know you’re smart because I saw you carry your lunch back to that tech place. Brains are a huge turn-on for me. So are glasses and hairy arms. When I asked you if you live in your parents’ basement, I wasn’t being funny. I was hoping you’d sneak me down the stairs sometime.  LouLou

Dear Dr. Digits,
Did you get that letter from my lawyer yet? You never told me you were a proctologist, until it was too late (and too obvious).
~Bill E.

* * * * *

P- Omg. You are a filthy disgusting pervert. A bonerfide sexual deviant. We are a match made in Hades. Never change. ~S

* * * * *


HELLO!!!!! When I text you 65,000+ times, it means “call me.” Duh.
Seriously, call me!!!!!

* * * * *

Of course I cheated on you. Like you didn’t know I would. Like you didn’t have every clue in the world. I never tried to hide who I am. But you loved me anyway, you dumb, gullible fool.
Don’t try to make me feel guilty, you brought this on yourself.   – B

* * * * *

I’m confused. For three years you were all over me and then the minute “We do” then suddenly you’re like, “Let’s be friends.” But live together. And not see anyone else. I can’t help think there’s something better for both of us out there. Please tell me I’m wrong or pull the trigger.

* * * * *

CC: Competition, my ass. Not even in my league. I couldn’t care less about your pathetic, transparent attempts to break me. Face it, you’ll never win.  – EF

You swam into my heart, then saved me from drowning. Let’s watch Baywatch again tonight. Again.
~The Hof

* * * * *

The bartender at Murphy’s IS cute. And good for her she’s got such an awesome personality, too. Not sure why you’d say that in front of me, but whatever.

Hey did you find it odd that your tooth brush tasted like the dirty kitty litter box you never scoop? Hmmm.
Love ya,
Princess Z

* * * * *

THANK YOU EMMA. You were the only one to pry my fist into an open hand. Luke

* * * * *


You are sweet like a watermelon Jolly Rancher rolled in sugar and covered with honey and sprinkled with rainbow jimmies. My teeth hurt just looking at you, but it don’t matter cuz my mouth is watering so, so bad.
~Dougie YumYum

* * * * *

One day you’re going to look back over all you did and realize you should’ve never gone to Uncle Bobbie’s that day. That bitch was the downfall of both of us.  – LS

* * * * *

What do you say, Kathie?  I’m waiting. – Jeff

* * * * *

The way you sing off key, the way you hold your knife. No, they can’t take that away from me.
Tony B

* * * * *

You, the gurl walkin out tha Dunkin donuts wit three large boxes of donuts — all for yerself. Me, the 1 wit tha big chocolate munchkins.



When I first met you, you were a skinny little bugger. Shy, smart, empirical, empathetic, ahead of your time. I knew you were the one. I know sometimes I need to reign in your enthusiasm and idealism, but you’ve taught me a lot. You opened my eyes. I love you.


* * * * *

Rhonda, Um, how about less cramps. And more of my style?

All the best,


* * * * *

Okay I’ll Say It —

Last Friday night was way over the top. What do you think happens when drink like 9 shots of vodka on an empty stomach, Sue? YOU EMBARRASS YOURSELF! And me, too, when you pull that shit with the maintenance dude at my apartment.

You’ve got a new nickname around here, too, ya know? “Shart Show” because of your 2-hour elevator odyssey (you really need to just burn those pants). For the record, I tried my best to save you from yourself that night. For the love of god, woman — sharpen your pencil!  — Jim

* * * * *

Her name was Diane, she worked in HR
She was boring as a stick
With a taste for corporate dick.
And she would scrapbook
And clip out coupons
And while she tried to hitch her star
Tony always tended bar
Where she would go at five
And bitch about her life
They were middle aged and they had each other
Who could ask for more?

His name was Devon, he cleared her sink drains
He had her key, he fed her cat,
He came by before she asked
So when she got home
She saw him waiting
And Devon told her he was gay,
But she approached him anyway
And Diane felt a fool
Broke Devon’s snake in two
They were three confused individuals

But just who screwed who?

* * * * *


You don’t have to cry anymore. Mostly ever. Put all that weight right on me. I have a strong back.



Shoes. Too many shoes!!!! Seriously, you need a maximum of 5 pairs of shoes in this life, tops.: 1. Sneakers, 2. Hiking boots, 3. Those casual slip on sneaker-like things with no laces, and 2 pairs of dress shoes (brown & black). That’s. All. You. Need. Just replace them with identical pairs when they start to stink. Enough with the damn shoes. GAH!


* * * * *


I swear, I’ll confiscate the remote if I catch you watching QVC again. My credit card is maxed out and your figurine collection is complete. I will leave you before I build another shelf.


* * * * *


Please make up your mind. Soon. I feel like a feather in the wind.

~Buzz Aldrin

* * * * *

Long Shot

Hi we met a couple of months ago we both enjoyed each other’s company for a few weeks and then fell out of touch (my fault as much as yours). I’m a SWM cross dresser & you just recently got divorced. Yes I’m still hanging at Franklin’s on Fridays, hope you’ll sidle up to me soon.

* * * * *


Here are some tips on how to keep your girlfriend. Please read and comprehend them carefully:

  1. When you come home from work, I am more important than your cold, delicious beer, your frozen pizza, and your stupid Star Trek Next Generation re-runs. I need to ask you all my questions and make re-live your entire day, minute by minute, no matter how awful it was. It’s called “bonding.”
  2. Don’t be calling your friends and/or family after Star Trek. I wait home all day for you, the least you can do is focus on me for a few hours. Don’t like it? You can sleep on the couch, buster.
  3. Stop asking me to wear those nasty thongs you bought for me. Just because I have the perfect butt, doesn’t mean you get to enjoy it. I’m a granny panties gal, get used to it. Thanks, ~ Laverna

Hey boy,

That’s a laugh – you’re calling ME jealous, ha! Not a jealous bone in this body, baby, I’m the most self-secure girl you’ll find. So what if you still moon over that skanky ex-girlfriend of yours? Think I don’t know about that box hidden in your closet? Think I can’t pick a lock? Hey, do what you wanna do in your own private time, but just know that it’s creepy and weird and immature and I COULDN’T CARE LESS!


* * * * *


Paisley scarf when cold, head bandana when it’s not. Leg warmers and ripped one-shoulder tops without a touch of irony. You haven’t changed your hairstyle since 1987 (and it wasn’t trendy then, either). The glasses you insist on wearing are not prescription – or particularly flattering – but whatever. Don’t ever change, my dear. You make my life legendary and for that I will always be your greatest admirer.


* * * * *


Can’t this car go any faster, Uncle Fester? Cause I can still see where I am. Faster, Fester, faster! No one told me the trouble I was in, before my life went dim. Let that shiny bald head of yours light my way to better things.


* * * * *


I don’t know what happened there, but I’d like to see you again and figure it out. Can we find neutral ground in the Maple Wood mall? I think we need to explore matters further. Maybe. What do you say?


* * * * *


So let me get this straight. You want to see other people. No other people want to see you. I’m suddenly a chick magnet, and now you’re pissed.

Brilliant. Gotta hand it to you, you’re quite the strategist.




You and your stupid fish. It’s all about the fish, with you. Again and again with the fish, every time. What about us? Do I need to spend more time in the water to catch your eye?


* * * * *


You showed me magic tricks until I smiled again, for the first time in ten years. Thank you. You are a godsend. Let’s meet again for Burger Night. I’m learning how to make my misery vanish into thin air. Wanna see?


* * * * *

Dark Stain,

You’re the best hugger ever.

Wide Willy

* * * * *

Harold, I told you —

It’s over. Since coming out as asexual, I’ve found your pressure for intimacy most disrespectful. Our children agree. I’m fine with remaining married on paper but please don’t expect anything more than my most heartfelt (and platonic) love from over four decades as your wife.


* * * * *

My Number One:

Make it so.

~Your Picard

* * * * *

Stu: We met at the Young Libertarians meeting April at the library. Your passion for the movement really touched me. Let’s get Randy and hit that seminar downtown. Should be very inspiring! — Candice

* * * * *


We’ve chatted a few times but you now seem to maybe avoid me? I can’t really tell, though. You catch my eye and smile when you see me in line, but seem to go out of your way not to wait on me. Was it something I said? I wish we could talk one-on-one sometime, either by phone or in person. I’m sure you know who I am, just say the word and I’ll make time.  – Bright Yellow Jacket

Young lady with the tan/white shepherd mix (?) at Inn Yard Park: I don’t know who’s cuter – you or your dog! You both always looked so happy, it brightened my day to see you. Where’ve you been? Thought I saw you the other day, but you were walking alone and at a much slower pace, with your head down. Was that you? Were you crying? Where was your buddy?

We’ve never met but I’d been seeing you every day since I moved here 2 years ago, and I feel a weird connection. I’m truly sorry if something happened to your dog, and would like to offer my deepest condolences. If you see a middle-aged man try to wave you down one day, I’m not some random weirdo trying to make time. Maybe even just reading this could make you feel a little better (I hope).

* * * * *

One day, M, you’re gonna look back at that night and wish you had the balls to handle things better. One day, you’ll realize that all my pushing wasn’t about me – I was trying to help YOU grow a backbone, for the good of all involved. Only way past shit, is through it. Don’t be a wuss.

* * * * *

black ford pick-up truck with maga sticker on tailgate, parked on tilden sometimes.

is truck for sale and how much? i was behind u on at the creamery on sunday, tried to get yr attention but my order got mixed up and u were gone by the time i got done. thank you all,  sincerely jim

* * * * *

Dancey Lancey, you’re my guy. Flipping fancy, on the fly. When the boys come out to play, take your toys and run away. – Swirly Girlie

* * * * *

Hey sis I know I’m “the pretty one” with the “perfect life” while everyone feels sorry for you, still stumbling around single after all this time. Well guess what? I’d rather live your life than mine. Truth is I’m trapped by these choices I made decades ago before I even knew what I wanted. I can’t break out without hurting everyone, so I just keep going. I envy your courage and freedom.


You- Dark hair, glasses, early 30s ish, walking down Midvale alone to the train every morning. I typically see you near Mifflin School around 7:20ish.

Me- Driving in a white Volkswagen Jetta, blonde curly hair, early 30s and thinks you are quite handsome!

You- If you read this, wave if you are single and would like to grab a drink!

* * * * *
“I like your squid tattoo.”

Do you remember that day? This is a wild card move but I still think about you so who knows? I let you slip out of my life, watched it happen slowly right in front of my eyes and did nothing to stop it. I am sorry and still think about you a lot. I hope you are happy and your life is full. I am here if you ever wanna talk. It would be great to connect and catch up. I am a totally different person today. – Green Giant

* * * * *
To the fare waitress Tena (“with an E”),
You will probably never see this however…. you took care of my table at LeBus again this evening. OMG you are attractive. I couldn’t take my eyes of you and your smile is infections. Please respond. I am usually not tong tied but with you I could barely speak. I hope you read!

* * * * *

Heads up, you only get one “I didn’t mean it, I was drunk” pass. If that. Despite your delusion, you don’t get two, let alone three. Please speak to the hand.


Johnny – I’ve always loved Roger. His smile, his wiggle, his passion for car rides, and how he burrows in the covers when I’m doing my crosswords. He should totally come with me when I move out next month. Let’s stand on opposite ends of the condo and each call him and see who he goes to. Obviously, it’ll be me. Thanks, Brenda

* * * * *

So this game of ours. What suspense!

You know who I am and I know who you are. I don’t know if I want anything from you I just liked our game. I think I might be over it. You are still sexy as hell I just want to see what happens when we stop playing around. It’s fun but not real. Call me sometime. You have my number. See you around 2.

* * * * *
But – but! You said maybe we could be friends again…LMFAO

Hmmm, well, let’s count just a few of the ways, shall we?

-What could you have done differently in order to make me want to keep you as a friend?
-Could you have told me the truth?
-Could you have not spread my business all over the place?
-Could you have not gotten the authorities involved?
-With friends like you, Who the hell needs enemies?

According to your Facebook page, you have enough friends for ten people.
So, no, we cannot still be friends.

— M.H.
* * * * *
Loan Shark Wanted

You know who you are. Just like the title says I need a loan shark seriously asap. Please no endless emails either. Reach out to me soon, I need a real talkin’ to. Take advantage of my unfortunate position. – Impulse Boy

* * * * *
cute girl on bus

seen u on bus today and o wow ur ass so big took up the hole seat and bounced and bounced all the way to the casino. i sat across from you with a black hat and jacket with strips down the sleeves. you look good enuf to eat and i didt know how hungry i was till i saw ur sweet sweet fatness (that a compliment).

Dear Winter,

I’m fed up with what you did to me this year. By the time you read this, I’m through with you. I’ll rub it in with blooming flowers.

~Mrs. Heat Miser

* * * * *
Kirsten – Wish you were still around!

Loved visiting you. Understand if that’s just not your thing anymore, but if you ever want to, I’d love to see you. You bring the peanut butter, I will bring the sugar-free raspberry preserves. Let’s leave the knife out of it this time.  – David

* * * * *
Still missing you J

I know it’s been years now, but I just want you to know that I still think about you. I know you moved on, but if you can just say hello. It would mean the world to me. — C

* * * * *
Intriguing Train Ride

We rode the train next to each other. I got on at Jefferson and randomly sat beside you. You had blonde hair that was kind of frizzy and possibly permed? Couldn’t see your eyes cause you wore sunglasses and stared out the window the whole ride. I kept feeling you shuffling your legs, till you were pressing your left thigh up against my right. Clearing your throat, but never saying anything. When you got up to leave, I leaned back to let you out and you brushed your bottom in my face without saying a word. Once off the train, you removed your shades & stared right at me thru the window as we pulled out of East Falls station. WTF?! Hi, I’m Brian.

* * * * *
Saw you around 945 today at Founded. You had streaky red hair, sexy boots. Pink pants and puffy North Face. I have black glasses and dark hair.

I was the guy near the creamers and stuff mixing my coffee next to you. Spilled some on my hand and you said I screamed like a lady!!!! We laughed cause that was funny. You told me to wait my turn for the sugar and then you were gone. You drove a white Lexus, gold wheels. I hope you see this. From, Jim.

You Two,

The Three Little Pigs was a scary story — especially how the wicked wolf was huffing and puffing and blowing away. That blizzard! When the wind was blowing hard down School House, were doing the same thing in my back office, weren’t we? Got a little disgusting at times, but I’m glad I let you in! Oink, oink!


* * * * *

Ben —

A considerable amount of time has passed and although I was content with our lack of closure, I have found myself plagued by your memory. When everything felt like it was coming to pass, you had the chance to just let me walk away but no. You didn’t let me go, yet you didn’t try to keep me either. Instead you sought your affections elsewhere and left me hanging, wondering what happened, what I did wrong, what I could do to change the situation. I don’t know that you’ll ever see this or be able to figure out that it’s about you, but I find something cathartic in putting my pain into words here. Also I set your comic book collection on fire.   – Cracklin’ Rosie

* * * * *

Nice hotty in the elevator at Alden Park. Green shirt, gray sweats, nose ring. I sure would like to bump in to you again. Find me mornings in the main gym. — Dirk

* * * * *

Finally, Bob, we’re free! You’re free to snivel at M’s feet again, and I am free to live my life openly ahhhhh! To eat out at RESTAURANTS and hold hands in PUBLIC and share pictures with FACES in them, what a treat!!!!! I’m glad she took you back, you were getting to be a drag anyway. – Silly Sally

* * * * *

By the way Jared (if that is your name), I think you were probably right when you said I should quit my job and use my 401k to build that glucose reactor we sketched out on napkins at Murphy’s. Not that I often take advice from guys with face tattoos, but I suspect you may be onto something. Call me if you’re ready to get this thing off the ground! – The Professor

Misery loves company (alone again and feeling fine)

When I realize I’m happy, the pain sets in. I remember that I haven’t thought of you for a day, a week, a month now – I break down with guilt and grief. How shitty my love must’ve been, to move on so quickly after all I thought we had. I’m so sorry, B. Forgive me.  — E

* * * * *

Banjo Dan,

You’re the man! Plucking out your zippy rhythms on my heart strings: twang twang doodle-y doo strummmmm. Sometimes it tickles, sometimes it prickles, but always I feel it deep down in my soul. Can’t play a note to save my life; I sing off-key and I’ve two left feet. Oh but I love the music we make. And my how we dance every night!  — June Bug

* * * * *

Allison: I dreamt you took me sledding on The Nuts, and the ride was like a roller coaster high above The Falls. I looked way down on Mother’s house – she seemed tiny as an ant in our backyard, hanging our St. Bridget’s uniforms on the clothesline. “Don’t let go!” you told me as we took on speed… faster and faster we went, your cheeks rosy against the wind. I woke up feeling nine years old again, wanting so much to pick up the phone and hear your voice once more. – B

* * * * *

I went down to Georgia cause I was sick of playing 2nd fiddle. Didn’t work out so well, though, did it? Hail, Seitan.

* * * * *

Kim: We are secrets to each other, each one’s life a novel no one else has read. Like planets, worlds apart — drifting in our orbits to a brief eclipse. Let’s Rush these feelings between us, and get closer to the heart as soon as possible. – G.L.

* * * * *
Janice — I only wanted to make you happy, to fix all your problems and give you a home to be proud of. Seems though the harder I try, the higher you build your wall. Well then: you win. Before you go, can you at least tell me what I could’ve done differently?  — R Jewel


Now I know never to get snowed in with a person who gets snowed up all day. Holy Geez. You were like the Tazmanian Devil. Non stop leg shaking chatterbox spazz. I was trapped, like a rat in a cage. Never again.


* * * * *

Get over yourself Ted, your extra finger does NOTHING to make you a better lover. Frankly, it’s kind of creepy.


* * * * *

What ever happened to her? That carefree, fun, partier I used to have pitchers of beer and shrimp with on the back porch at sunset? You’re still here, but that girl is gone. In her place? A vague resemblance. A tired old drunk. Just like her mother.


* * * * *

Well bend me over, and call me Phyllis Diller, you finally did it. Thank you and congrats! — Jamie

* * * * *

Dear Diane,

Everyone thinks we hate each other, but it’s more love-hate. Opposites attract. Let’s break this gridlock and hook up.


* * * * *

You silly, silly goose. You really get my goat. I’ve gone ape over you. But stop being such a hound dog.


* * * * *

Hello Dali,

I still don’t know what you meant. Really. “Conquered but not vanquished, spare me the theatrics” ??  What the hell, we were talking about breakfast.

~Count de Monet


Must be the luck of the Irish, that I’m still with you after all your screw ups, again and again. You make me laugh though. Just can’t stay mad when you look at me with those eyes. – Bubbles

*  *  *  *  *  *


More thorns than blossoms, the whole time.



*  *  *  *  *  *

When you left I made a quilt of all your old Eagles t-shirts, then me and some random guy from Cranky’s did unspeakable things all over it and afterwards he said, “Thanks that was awesome,” and I was like “Yeah I know, hey, take the blanket thing with you” and now I see he’s using them for curtains in his 2nd floor apartment off Ridge. Screw you.

*  *  *  *  *  *


Next Valentine’s Day could you not get diarrhea?



this for my crew, u know who you are, sorry but i know we usta hav a good time n shit but we old now and wtf we doin? time to grow up, let that shit go, danny we cool now my man, peace.  –cj

*  *  *  *  *  *

Oh Mandy,

You gave without taking and then sent me away, anyway. I’m so confused. Was it my neediness? The hardboiled egg shells in our bedsheets? That time I beat you in Risk? You’re not perfect either, pea head. Just wish you’d given us more time to straighten out all the mixed signals.  – Jason

*  *  *  *  *  *

Meatballs and spaghetti at your mom’s house. Moosehead beers in the basement. Don’t know why we fought so much about the dumbest shit. Even weirder: how I can’t stop having conversations with you in my head, when I know I’ll never see you again.  – Yo Adrianne

I’m the gold at the end of your rainbow, baby, meet me at Murph’s after the parade and I’ll grant you one wish. Just one, though, so make it a good one. – Saint G

*  *  *  *  *  *


“Thanks” for Valentine’s Day this year. Twelve calls to the bar and they LIED to me that you weren’t there all day! You said you’d take the cat to the vet for her snoring, remember? Take me out to a nice romantic dinner after. I had my blue dress dry-cleaned, which is EXPENSIVE, buddy.

But no! I sat home ALONE with Clawdine’s unbearable ronking on the couch getting louder and louder by the minute. Pathetic, how drunk you were when you finally showed up. You call those flowers??? Ripping up poor Mrs. F’s rose bushes for a few dead buds doesn’t count, jackass. The closest thing I got to a box of chocolates was what I found floating in the toilet after you stumbled to bed. LEARN. TO. FLUSH!

And don’t come running to me next time you need your back shaved. I’m “busy.”  ~Honey

*  *  *  *  *  *


If the thought counts, what exactly were you thinking when you gave me a box of mashed assorted chocolates with all the caramels missing? Here’s a thought for you: Get lost!  ~Thin Lizzy

*  *  *  *  *  *

Hey Sour,

Lighten up a little.

~Sweet Tart

*  *  *  *  *  *

S: Found you on Facebook, wow what an old shirtless loser you turned out to be. Dodged a bullet there, whew. Katie says hi from very far away.

*  *  *  *  *  *

Chris: My last image of you is your poor, sad face watching the strawberry milkshake you brought me melt on a wall at Henry and Schoolhouse. I wanted more than anything to run back into your arms but instead I stood mute while my friends ridiculed your desperation. Still sorry after all these years. If it’s any consolation, my life’s kinda sucked and I’m pretty sure my husband hates me. – Jen

End of August 1977, I asked coach if I could dig through McDevitt’s LOST & FOUND box. To my astonishment, he agreed. “Well, no one’s claimed any of this stuff all summer and it’s the end of the season, so have at it.” Complete with the usual scowl of disdain at the sight of me.

Well, there were plenty of superballs, broken sunglasses, kid-sized jackets, and god-knows-what. But there in the jumble: a working Flip- Flash 110! I couldn’t believe my luck.

I took the camera home and begged my mom to have the film developed – incredibly, she did. Imagine my awe when I saw you in glossy 4”x6” glory. Black hair. Hip huggers. Blurry smile. Determined eyes. Crushing those toxic berries from that weird tree by the wall that we weren’t allowed to climb (but everybody did). The cement lion at the one end of the street. Candy cherry coins from the Green Corner. Dirty converse sneakers on cracked blacktop.

The next year, my Dad relocated across town and I never got to find you.

*  *  *  *  *  *

Hey Maureen! Don’t be stupid: “Paddy” is the diminutive of “Patrick,” not “Patty” (which is a girl’s name). So “St. Paddy’s Day,” duh, is not an Irish slur. If you weren’t so stereotypically drunk, you could understand this. – Jon PS Your corned beef and cabbage tastes like shite.

*  *  *  *  *  *
You –

I don’t know if I’ve even met you yet, let alone missed you. But I’d rather do either in the real world than online. Reach out if you agree.



I’ve been trying to pierce that fine bubble between our friendship — which we treasure — for too long. That night that we shared the most sublime smooch of all time: did that go too far or nowhere far enough?  You said, “wow” but nothing more.

~In the Dark

*  *  *  *  *  *

So the cat dragged me in last night. Didn’t know cats hunted drunken skunks, didja? I was just having fun. Young men’s pleasure, youth’s architecture. You’re all I think about, still. — Brian

*  *  *  *  *  *


Look, I’m sorry about the other night. I thought it’d be funny to pimp it up.

~Frog Dog

*  *  *  *  *  *

Whoever you are that dropped off those nudes at Rite Aid’s photo center to develop, I am open for bidniz, baby. I’m a big fan of the pipe layers Union. And you are definitely a card carryin member. Hit me up, yo.

~Bugs Bunny

Lisa – spring is in the air. Let’s tip toe through some tulips. Dance barefoot like nymphs in McMichael Park. Some midnight diddlin’ by the war memorial, then a quick nude skip across the Kelly House lawn. You pack the one-hitter, and we’ll share my jug with three X’s on it.

~Mr. Vanderputen

*  *  *  *  *  *


I beg to differ. Ho’s before bros.


*  *  *  *  *  *


Believe it or not, you’re the first guy to ever get me roses. Not my thing. Your heart’s in the right place but it’s sad how after all this time you still don’t know me, do you?

~Peonies, Dammit

*  *  *  *  *  *

My mermaid —

I love your voice, your sexy nasal Philly accent. The way you say “Hanmee uh tal” when you step gleaming from the shower. To hear you quote Shakespeare blows my mind every time. Don’t ever change.

~J. A. Prufrock

*  *  *  *  *  *

Loves Baby Soft,

I know 1984 seems like a long time ago, but we had fun at the Junior High Prom. It was great making out with you in the back seat of Bob’s car. You made my tight, white corduroys even tighter in certain places. I heard you moved to East Falls. Let’s reconnect and let me finish the job.



Hey there, Border Collie. It’s me, German Sheppard. We met at the Eagles/Vikings tailgate and since then I wanted to “bark up your tree.” Everything about you was so fetching. We sniffed each other for what seemed like 10 dog years but in reality was probably more like 2 human-minutes. It didn’t get too ruff, though, which is okay. Listen, I’m running out of dog jokes but if you want to grab a drink some time, meet me at the super BOWL. I want to give another meaning to the word “underdog.” GO BIRDS!

*  *  *  *  *  *

Hey wait a minute, Chuck. I just realized St. Bridget’s doesn’t even have a bingo hall so where the hell were you again last Saturday night? DD

*  *  *  *  *  *

I saw you running down New Queen for the train one Friday with wet curly hair and a travel mug of coffee. You almost ran right into me when I was bending over picking up my dog’s poop. Watch where you’re going, and say hi next time. – Chihuahua guy

*  *  *  *  *  *

Sugar Lumps: I’ve never been a lucky person but lately feels like I won the lottery, with you in my life. Thank you for saying yes, finally, and happy Valentine’s Day. – Dr. F. Goode

*  *  *  *  *  *

Who are you? Who, who? Who, who? No really, I see you all the time in that Pete Townsend shirt. Bow legs with nice thick thighs. Not the snappiest dresser – and what’s up with your hair? — but otherwise I think you’ve got potential. Hit me up, I tend bar weekends at that pub on 32nd street.

*  *  *  *  *  *

Juanita- you really put the S in spooning. I love not having the pressure on us to go any further. I don’t care that you’re 38 years old and your roommate thinks your Ultra Man pajamas are stupid. I think they are totally boss. And they do NOT make you look fat!


*  *  *  *  *  *

Hugh – I love Hugh! Get it?!! LOL, LOL, LOL. But like, seriously, I like totally do. I keep a picture of you on my bathroom mirror. That shirtless one. Rad. Hope to see you again soon, babe.

~Lacy B

*  *  *  *  *  *

Cassidy – or was it Krystall? You: bleached blonde hair, red nails with white tiger stripes, white crop top, stupid as a stick, fake tan (a little too dark for a Norwegian), ridiculous high transparent heels, octopus tramp stamp, too much make-up … You are my world. Meet up with me again at Franklin’s this Friday at Happy Hour. I’ll buy you a Flying Dutchman.


Say it isn’t so, N. Say it’s a mistake, a sick joke, a stupid lie you don’t know why you told. Say forget it and I will. Just say something because this silence between us is killing me. Love, B.

*  *  *  *  *  *

To the girl I met at the dog run, walking her pet sheep: be my Valentine. A maiden in levitation: your feet barely skim the ground when you go. So sublime. Meet me again by the turd bin. You’ll know me by my distinctive piercings and warm handshake.

~Admirer L.

*  *  *  *  *  *

Kim, you said your name was “Donna DoYaWanna” – I played along even though I knew you were just messing with me. Should we meet up so I can properly apologize for spilling my beer on you? PS I wanna, I wanna!

~Billy the Old Kid

*  *  *  *  *  *

Amanda, you’re a shitty cook and bad mother and a sucky lay from what J tells me. Yeah, bitch? You think it wouldn’t get back? M tells J everything, duh. You can’t do shit in the town without me knowing. You’re so fake with your fake laugh and freaky eyebrows and whore stank. Newsflash: YOU’RE TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT!!!!  ~k.r.

*  *  *  *  *  *

Stanley, I had a local artist create a small bronze statue of how I see you in my mind. Every night, I lay offerings and light strawberry incense before I retire. In my dreams, you are a hero, a prophet, a stallion, a king. When will you visit me in person? I have faith that everything you told me will come true.


Buck, I love you honey! I think it’s “Buck.” Might be Moose or Bull or something else with hooves. A great nickname, it suits you! Anyway, why won’t you give me the time of day at Cranky’s, sweetie? Is it the thick glasses? My polyester slacks? I keep trying to catch your eye when you’re hanging with your crew but it’s been weeks of Happy Hours now and I’m pretty sure you’re flat-out ignoring me. Am I invisible? Chopped liver? Say hello, I won’t bite.


*  *  *  *  *  *

Tweedle Dee, we are oneinthesame. Come back, please.

~Tweedle Dumb

*  *  *  *  *  *

Harold, we met at the hermit crabs support group – we were both dealing with a lot of survivor’s guilt and that’s OK. You’re short, fat and bald, but your “Speed Metal or Death” hoodie more than makes up for it. We made some small talk about brownies (we both prefer nuts). It was love at first sight, for me at least. How about you?


*  *  *  *  *  *

Big Head Bud — you give a twist in my shout. Come on and work it on out. Met you at Deke’s BBQ on the 22nd. I’ll be there on the 7th. I’ll be wearing my blue, cheetah-print dress with giant shoulder pads.

~Rosanna Banana

*  *  *  *  *  *

Really, Chris? Hitting on my sister was not cool. Nevermind the brains and ballet moves, I know she’s cute. But I’m your girl! And she’ll kick your ass for me if I tell her to.


*  *  *  *  *  *

Excelsior, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have given that ultimatum I was unprepared to enforce. And now, I’m eating crow. Let’s bury the hatchet, buddy. Our shared animosity must stop. It’s getting us nowhere, we’re just hurting the woman who loves us both. You peed all over my underwear and pants. I tossed you in the bath. Can we end this stalemate, please? I’m sorry I tried to unseat you and would like to make amends. I’ve got a case of Fancy Feast Seafood Extravaganza and a new set of flannel sheets. Let’s end this with some cuddle time.

*  *  *  *  *  *

You are the shyest woman I’ve ever met. You love Rush, superhero movies, and vanilla vodka (from a straw). When I say hi, you just blush and twist your blue-black hair, scrunch up your purple-painted lips. Should you avert your gaze from your shoes to my eyes, you will witness adoration in its purest form.

~Adonis P. Smedley III

*  *  *  *  *  *

Jazz — where u been? Saw u last, u were twitching n unjoolating all over Zip Man. I gave u my number why haven’t u used it? We should talk about ur moves at least.




You made my holiday season. So glad we met. I’m just glad when you are present. Best gift ever.


* * * * * *

Greta – I’m a grieving man, I can’t believe the things I’ve done to you. Ok, ok, I am a guilty man. The time has come to undo the wrong I’ve done.

~Captain Bligh

* * * * * *

She wears a sun dress and army boots in winter. A faux fur coat in summer. Blue hair. Endearing scowl. What is your name? I see you all over town. When I approach you with a compliment, please don’t pepper spray me.

~Nervous Ned


On what planet is it ok to wish 250 feminists a “Merry Pussmas and a Happy Pap Schmear”? Worst holiday party emcee ever! You’re never working another corporate gig in this town, buster. PS check your yelp!!!!!! ~Dinah

* * * * * *

Remember that dead tree bought for Christmas, the one tossed unceremoniously to the curb? Your local tree hugger wishes that you’ll plant a new tree in the spring to make up for your Christmas tree. – M.S.

* * * * * *

JM: It hurts to know now that all our time together, you never trusted me. I may have cried all afternoon when the movers packed my stuff up, but inside I was glad to be free of your judgments and paranoia. You messed with my head for over 2 years and still I’m not mad at you or anything. But when I think of you, do I wish you well? Nope.  — NS

* * * * * *

Tall, Blond Prilosec

I spotted you at the RiteAid. I’ll admit it, I was prowling the antacid aisle, hoping to “bump into” another middle-aged, over-worked parent who just wanted to release some tension for an hour or two before getting back to dealing with stressors. You had long-ish wavy hair and very blue eyes. Forgot to get your number. I’ll be back again this Friday night, and probably next (it’s kind of my thing). Say hi, I think we’d have a good time. ~Tropical Fruit Tums (in Eagles hat)

* * * * * *

You: Strange, left-leaning, well-read woman versed in the occult. Libertine, passionate, and potent with punk rock sensibilities. Fierce, dark, ferocious.

Me: Restless, mildly depressed, walking ‘tortured writer’ cliche. Yearns to be lost in a big city or in the middle of the woods. Explorer, learner, rewriting his life a bit as part of an obvious 1/3rd-life-crisis.

Us: Not quite friends, not quite a relationship, not quite friends-with-benefits, not quite penpals. Who knows what we are, what we’ll be. Something different. Casting runes in cemeteries, taking late night walks, exchanging texts, being terrible and beautiful and unafraid. It’ll all make sense if we just talk.

~ Promises Promises

* * * * * *

CB: I dunno why I can’t tell my friends about us, dunno why I lie whenever they ask if we’re more than “just friends.” Yes, we are of course but please let me play it cool. We’ve been covering up so long seems pointless to come clean. It’s none of their business. Of course I love you, don’t make me admit it in public.  — WRJ

* * * * * *

To the parents of the three young gentlemen who re-arranged my inflatable Pooh, Minions, and Mickey Mouse displays in unspeakable fashion every night between Christmas and New Years: you’re all disgusting. In my day, kids had respect for their elders. When a neighbor yelled, you’d RUN! You wouldn’t make a movie! Ha ha ha so funny, cursing on my lawn in my old boxer shorts. Ha ha ha oh look it’s on facebook so now my family is calling me “Uncle Skidmark.” Yeah? You like Youtube? I’ll show you YouTube.  – Your Neighbor

* * * * * *

Hello Gorgeous from the charming wine bar or whatever it is on Kelly Drive. You took my order for a super dry martini with Tanqueray and exactly three olives. Your smile when I asked you to repeat my specifications – precious! I tipped you A LOT and tried to hang around to give you a chance to thank me, but I couldn’t seem to catch your eye. When your shift was over, I tried to offer you a ride home but you got into your car before my chauffer could roll my window down. I almost suspect you’re avoiding me but then I remember how rich I am and how attractive that is. Call me.  ~Mike

* * * * * *

You were busy today when I came in around 10am. I was getting a hot drink and saw you working the coffee. You are one hot guy. If you are interested in a nsa dl or hi let me know next time.

I’m Jiggzie

* * * * * *

Eddie I did it and you can’t make me feel bad this time. Whatever you say I’m not listening so just stop, you’re only wasting your breath. Face it, everything’s different now. Even B can see this. — T

* * * * * *

OK Bobby it’s been months now and I’m at a place where I really want to take our relationship to the next level and go on and treat your starfish like a tuba one night real soon. – Your Snifferdoodle

* * * * * *

M’ lady! You don’t know me but I saw you in the sandwich line at Majors. I heard someone call you Marissa or Allyssa or maybe Tammy. You’re about 5’6 with beautiful blue eyes and a knockout smile. I am besotted! Your servant, ~Dirk

* * * * * *

Happy New Year, my ass, Butch DO I LOOK HAPPY? All last year, the drinking and the moping and the navel-gazing. AND THE DANCING. Parties, weddings, funerals – any excuse to tie one on and then work up a nasty sweat when the music starts. IDIOT. Then this year you PROMISE me you’ll stick around after Christmas, spend some time alone for once but nooooooo. Out the door you go, to hang with your no-good buddies from the hoagie place. And with your sodium, yet. What are you, trying to have a cardiac? What’s your problem? Are you avoiding me? Did you like the slippers I got you for Christmas they’re cashmere!  Honey

* * * * * *

Call me old-fashioned here, but I’ll stick to a classic New Year greeting: May your beer be cold, your sunsets golden, and your browser history not incriminating. – Matt Suwak

* * * * * *

Extremely cute AllState adjuster. You were at my home Wed. afternoon 12/29 around 3:30 PM or so checking estimates for home repairs in an insurance claim. You were a dark work of art, drove a black jeep suv. You look like you have a good heart, too. Love to connect with you sometime if interested. I was the guy on Penn with 2 dogs and the redheaded wife. We should probably keep this between us, though. Thanks.  ~Thurston Howell III

* * * * * *

Pour me another glass he says and i do cause it’s late and i dont feel like fighting no more i been smokin weed all night waiting for you to call and here you are on my porch face all wet with tears what am i supposed to do but pull out your jack and match you shot for shot till we can finally get some sleep hush now it be all right. lydia

* * * * * *

Sk8er Boy — I’m so glad I fell asleep before things could go any further, because if I knew you were just gonna blow me off the next day I’d have never done anything anyway. No big loss, you were cute ‘n all but I have a boyfriend. — MS

* * * * * *

Danny boy I want to sing you a song straight from my bosom but I forget the words so forgive my humming. (Admit it, though, the vibrations feel good there.) — Sweet molly

* * * * * *

I ain’t ordered in a long time I ordered today 12-7-17 and I finally seen you again. Every time I seen you I was hoping your single, and would ask for my number. You called me beautiful once. You are Caucasian, big blue eyes, tall. If you read this please answer my calls.

~Alex P. McMooreland, ESQ

* * * * * *

We shared a special moment in traffic that Friday morning, grinning and winking while the light changed. Or maybe the morning sun was in your eyes? I couldn’t tell. You made the left on Queen and I tried looping around on Midvale to find you but I couldn’t catch up. I hope to see you again when it’s overcast.


* * * * * *


Came in last night for a monster and right away noticed you behind the counter. exchanged a few smiles. thought you’re really attractive didn’t get close to getting your name but if you see me again maybe we can talk or something. I wear a Roman hoodie all the time, and drive a white jeep.

* * * * * *

Hey Larry a year after we broke up I went back to the house while you were at work to finally get some of my crap I’d left behind and I was so close to locking the door behind me for the last time but something stopped me and I ran back upstairs to your bathroom where I dunked your toothbrush in the toilet and rubbed it under the rim and then around the bowl’s pee-stained base were you never remember to clean. PS you’re lucky I didn’t have to poop. — B

* * * * * *

Mary, when you open your mouth, I could scream. That excruciatingly polite way you insinuate the meanest things! Thank god the kids are too young to catch your drift. Tom agrees with me but you raised him to be too weak to stand up to his mommy. I swear if I hear any more crap outta you I will smash your smug face. — Daughter in law #2 (the one you DON’T want to piss off)

* * * * * *


Beth – the tiny sun hidden in the center of your blue eyes, wrapped around the black holes of your pupils gives me a sense of hope and dread, all at once. Which is it?


*   *   *   *   *

Ed – lose some weight, shave and meet me at Murphy’s for Burger night. You will get lucky.


*   *   *   *   *

What was that all about, Emily? I swear it wasn’t any kind of romantic thing with her. Holding hands is not cheating. Lighten up. – Taylor

*   *   *   *   *

Dear Chickenshit – What gives? You come up to me in the post office, we have a cool conversation and you don’t even hit on me?! I (1) shaved my legs that day, (2) wore my lucky bra, (3) matched my lucky bra to my panties color – which I only do like every 4 months, and (4) JUST had my hair done that day. What am I, chopped liver? I was good to go, you missed out. Ever hear the expression, “you never know til you ask”?! Well, all you had to do is ask.


Gwendoline – your short, curly red hair. Your blue eyes. Your dirty, ugly, stained work team building t-shirt. Your crumbs, your thumbs. You are more than you know, and I adore you.


*   *   *   *   *

Marie – I love you. I do not love your cat, Excelsior. Klive I don’t have an issue with, but Excelsior thinks he’s a Mountain Lion – a Panther for godsakes. He struts around like he owns the place. He’s too much. He knocks over my beer, and I know it’s a show of force. It’s always saber-rattling with him. He stares at me, he surveilles me constantly. I strongly dislike him, and his malice for me has reached a boiling point. I’m sorry to say this, SugarBumps, but it’s either Excelsior or me, babe. Your call.


*   *   *   *   *

Oh my chunky Monkey, my little Minkey. My stinky stanky girl. Come back to me and violently flick my earlobes once again.


*   *   *   *   *

Tyler – thanks for embarrassing me in front of my whole family on Thanksgiving with your marriage proposal. The answer is obviously, um, NO!


*   *   *   *   *

Butch – nice. Real nice. Thanksgiving and you get DRUNK AGAIN! Rude behavior at the table, reaching right over poor Aunt Lucy for the stuffing. Spilling gravy all over Mom’s good tablecloth from Ireland. Oh, yeah and HELP YOURSELF to THREE PIECES of pie, why dontcha. Finish off whipped cream, while you’re at it. Disgusting, how you chew. Your bridge is sliding again, genius, it’s not normal for teeth to jut out sideways like that. No matter about your DIET, like I want to wake up one day to find your bloated corpse beside me. Hey LOOK AT ME when I’m talking to you! Would it kill you touch me one night? Your romancing needs work, buddy. – Honey

*   *   *   *   *

Dawn, 1987; we were at your place – across from Dutch Hollow. Your mom was out of town. Tom was downstairs with Heather and her bong under the coffee table. You were crawling all over me at the top of the stairs. I have to be honest, I didn’t know if you were teasing me or what. Then in bed, I was more a snuggler than a lover to you. What a fool I was! You were cute as a button – to think you might’ve been mine that night. Heard you moved to East Falls. Let’s pick up where we left off. Unless you got fat and old.



What would you like for Christmas this year? Still don’t know why you didn’t like that “back massager” from Walmart last year. — ”Santa”

*   *   *   *   *

To the guy who stole my heart – I need it back. Thanks, Sheryl

*   *   *   *   *

What was it you said? Life is full of surprises? Surprise! I’m pregnant. Stop dodging me, “Dad.”

— Deb

*   *   *   *   *

Well, well, well, Phil. I SAW YOU at the Kanbar Center with Mitzy, making out. You still deny it. If I ever see you two together again, I know just who to tell. I’m not kidding this time, I won’t lie for you guys.

— Zoe

*   *   *   *   *

It’s just the Jimmy Jim Jimminee Cricket…chim chim chimney, Christmas

— Paul

*   *   *   *   *

For you, David. No matter how bad stuff got for you this year – and it got unbelievably bad, I know now — you stayed wry and funny and helped keep me afloat, even as you were sinking. I’ll never forget you. Madisen.

*   *   *   *   *

N: yeah I’m loud and hell yeah I curse. I’m more lady than your stuck up wife, who by the way doesn’t love you. Get a clue, I’m right here under your nose.  – P

Jingle bells, Colleen smells. Stinks from all her pores! And her breath, it reeks of death – don’t let her in the door.  – Elf on a Shelf

*   *   *   *   *

C:  I could watch your hands all day. Don’t worry, not a fetish. They are so just characteristically you. I play it cool but I remember everything. We would’ve been a dangerous mess if we’d continued much longer. Just saying. B.

*   *   *   *   *

Jared, you’re not The One but you’re Close Enough and it’s getting late. Yes, ok, let’s just not make a big deal about it.  – Sophie

*   *   *   *   *

S- Let me swim with you in your squid ink sky, give me the chance to lift you higher. I won’t get far with hot air & dreams? Baron Von Munchausen got Sally to the moon. Let me try. -Q

*   *   *   *   *

W: Nothing is settled, it’s still all up in the air for me. Help me be happy with my decision. Raggedy Ann


Brenda, the good news: I won the new Pa Lottery Fast Play! $95,768! The bad news: I’m breaking up with you because you are a greedy gold digger.

*   *   *   *   *
Dean — I am still just so grossed out that I let you do that to me. I can’t even look at a bowl of stuffing anymore. — Kitty

*   *   *   *   *
Mike – you said you’d never leave me. Whatever happened to you? If I still had my knitting needles, I’d poke your eyes out for you. Love, June

*   *   *   *   *
As god is my witness, I didn’t know turkeys couldn’t fly.
~The Big Guy

*   *   *   *   *
Anne, with an “E.” Your red hair, your old-fashioned style, curiosity, wit. Let’s hold hands and stroll down by the river. Marty

*   *   *   *   *
Lisa, thanks for your kindness. I was distraught when I came into your club. You were the bartender with nose and lip rings, black hair, and a black low-cut shirt. You comped me one tequila since you must have felt sorry for me. Said you could see the hurt in my eyes. You were right. It was a bad day. You said you’ve had some bad days too. Despite the fact that the club was filled with lovely strippers, you were the real attraction. Let’s get out of this place. Ben

*   *   *   *   *

Beth – I was courting you in high school. Your mother approved. You were unsure. I found out why. Maybe someday. John

*   *   *   *   *
Ginger, it’s not right that you tempt me at the family gathering. My girlfriend is your cousin. But I cannot resist. Let’s hook up again. — R

*   *   *   *   *
Kristin, so you’re leaving him and moving back. Finally we can hook up. I want to chain smoke in kimonos for three days straight and have a private clam bake on that second night. We can listen to your doom music.

*   *   *   *   *
Mark – we met at yoga, I was pretty high, but I meant it when I said I do not care that you were a ‘lot lizard’ in 96. Let’s do some downward dog in my back seat if you know what I mean. No, not that. The other thing.

*   *   *   *   *
“McCann Longdong.” I do not believe that was your real name. Your Texas accent is irresistible. If you take a shower and tip better, maybe we can hook up. ~Short Skirt and Floral Combat Boots

*   *   *   *   *

Lou, you cleaned my carpet at my house on Ainslie. What a hose you’ve got, buster. Vroom vroom! I slipped my number into your pocket afterwards. Let’s rubba dub dub! ~Josh

*   *   *   *   *
When all the leaves are brown and the wind blows so chill, and the birds have all flown for the summer…  I’m calling, please answer Karen.

*   *   *   *   *
Where has the time gone, Al? I still love you somehow. Do you still love me? Jennifer

*   *   *   *   *
Doreen — Sorry not sorry for not meeting you at the train station, and for ghosting you afterwards. But hey, it’s a two-way street, it’s not like you didn’t know how to reach me. — Mr. B-ball

*   *   *   *   *
One potato, two potato, three potato, four. Mash ’em up with butter and I’ll wanna eat some more. Turkey on the table, gravy at the pour. Keep it coming, Mother, till I pass out with a snore. — Dad

*   *   *   *   *
Looking for Anthony J. Used to live in East Falls. Dated Lizzie for years in the 90’s. Just before she died she told me all about you, and stuff you need to know. Please contact Lana & Ted’s daughter asap! That’s not what you think it is under the patio in Jersey. And I know where she left the suitcase.

*   *   *   *   *
saw u today at the drug store. pretty lady, thicky thick, black shorts. i think u were with your daughter. u smiled at me on ur way out. u also had fl. plates. hit me if u wanna talk. frank

*   *   *   *   *

I was walking my dog, and you were running the trail with 2 other guys that were a bit ahead of you. Dirty blonde hair with like a pinkish purple streak. Tattoo on your arm of a pair of boots and, I think, a pawprint. In peak shape. About 5’8? Same as me.

I was instantly attracted. I called HEY CUTIE PATOOTIE! … but you must’ve had headphones in. Hope I see you again soon. – Gym Shorts and ‘stache

*   *   *   *   *
Your soft warmth embraces me where I need it most, and you give me freedom to grow in all directions. Stretch pants, I love you.

*   *   *   *   *
Dennis — please shut up when I make that face. Seriously, it means I’m THISCLOSE to punching you, and I don’t want to do that this year. You’re still a good brother, and it’s not your fault Mom spoiled you into an asshole. — The Middle One

*   *   *   *   *
I didn’t catch your name. We met at the motel hot tub. You said you lived in “East Falls”???? I’ve been posting this ad in every “East Falls” in every city and state I can think of. Please reach out if you see this. Feeding you strawberries at midnight was sublime. Doug

*   *   *   *   *

C – I’m so sorry for letting you down. I’m not myself, or maybe I finally really am and it kills me that I’m such a loser. You can’t save me, I can’t take your help and anyway you really don’t mean it, don’t know what you’d be taking on. I really love you. This life is just a hologram. Please stop hurting for me, there’s no pain where I am anyway.  – Eddie

*   *   *   *   *

S – There’s nothing I like better than making a home with you now. Except maybe yams. And the Eagles. But after that: you and me, lady.

*   *   *   *   *

Roxy I know you didn’t mean to be insensitive but it really hurt my feelings when you used that word choice. Think before you open that beautiful mouth of yours. We might have something good here after all. — Zach

*   *   *   *   *

No, Nick. Just no. PS And stop it with the Bee Gees shit. — Meredith

*   *   *   *   *


Paul, thank you for the invitation to go streaking on Ridge Avenue at 2am next Thursday. I’m still stewing on it. I’ll let you know.


Dianne, if you could stop sleeping with Karl, that’d be great. Bruce


Suze – it was magical meeting with you at the brewery last Tuesday. Laughter. Your hands. The texts afterwards, you like my dimples you said. In retrospect, I totally see why I was so in love with you. I’m so sorry, it was my fault that night. I put you on the spot. Your parents just split up, you ate mushrooms, drank sangria and had a snake loose in your apartment. I was wrong. Always thought you left me, but I hijacked your night, laid down a stupid ultimatum and messed everything up for both of us. For years and years. I’m an idiot.

C, what is your deal? You go to these erotic literature things at coffee houses. Our sexual tension is boiling over. So what if you live with your boyfriend – I can share you with another boy. Let’s just hang out for 48 hours in kimonos, pop some pills and listen to depressing music until we melt into a couch or bed, twist around each other and dissolve.


Laurie. Holy Mother of Pearl. One minute we’re checking out vinyl Yes records and discussing Art, the next minute you’re locking your door, cutting out the lights and stripping me down. Heaven. I love when your legs twitch. Sorry about the whole Sam thing.


Ron, you brought me flowers when I was down. You made me breakfast when I was getting up. You made me laugh when I wanted to cry. This weekend, my treat at Murphy’s.

Look Lucy, I try to accommodate your desires, but dressing as a My Pretty Pony is beyond my scope. I’ll do a Ninja Turtle, as discussed. That triceratops thing, fine. The alien stuff gets a little weird, but we make it work, don’t we? All I ask is a Catwoman ambush from time to time. Surprise me like Cato, promise I won’t fight back too hard.


You’re the only one who didn’t laugh when it was over too quickly. You merely dried my glistening brow, smiled, and took my heart for an intergalactic ride, bareback on the stallion of your generous helpings of love… I called you Tonto and you called me Renegade. When your grizzled mustache tickled my quivering lips, I was left in a simmering pool of both excitement and joy. White knuckle gripped to your faded, eggshell-white dungarees, our collective body temperatures were 197.2 degrees…but I wish we each had an individual temperature of 34.5 degrees. If you know what I mean.  Eternally yours, Primo


Shelley, as the leaves drift down to the ground and the cold wind blows in from the north – the steely smell of the grey air. My thoughts turn to you.

David in fish bowl

I don’t know what I said or what I did but please give me an explanation. No judgment no holding to anything just need a few words why.


Dear Tickle Bear, Ever since we caught each other’s glance at the bar inside the bowling alley, I’ve not been able to remove you and your luminous eyes from my thoughts. Though you didn’t speak a lick of English and smelled like motor oil, I knew there was way more to you than your impressive leg tattoo. I wish it was 1996 and I could be your brand new Tickle Me Elmo toy, just so I could have your hands all over my plush, red exterior. Unfortunately it’s 2017, and you’re stuck with Sully from Monsters, Inc, but you didn’t seem to mind. Grateful , Josh B.


bank teller at BB&T

to the guy that works weekdays around lunchtime. i was there in the drive through and you seemed to have that voice that says you live the alternative life style. i didnt want to say anything about your voice cause i didnt want others to hear it. i drove a golden saturn and i got the courage to post this on here. if you are reading this please contact me! <3

Still missing you

It’s been a long time but I still think about you fondly. I look you up every once in awhile and come this close to calling you. Of course, I never will. You look very happy. I hope your pics don’t lie. Maybe someday!!


Julia – I can’t believe I’m sending this to the Missed Connections thing. I’ve never done that. But I don’t know how else to reach you. I’m sorry about the whole turquoise velvet frog incident. I didn’t know any better. If you see this, please meet me on the church steps (by your place) after class on Tuesday. I’ll make it up to you, I promise.


Dear Eddie, I don’t know what happened on that ’94 tour or whatever, but please let me back in the band. I’ll share the stage with Diamond Dave, I don’t care. The fans deserve it.


Salvadore – picture it. Sicily, 1950’s. Me, a lovely tanned girl with killer legs and a faint mustache. You, a dashing young stallion on the loose. So what if we’re as old as Stonehenge. Let’s make music again.


Rose – you lying, cheating, god-awful skank. I love you.


Dear beer guy at the soul game, Bob Jovi’s “Dead or Alive” is now “our” song. You hollered last call, but all I could hear was “I love you”… If your beer was as warm as you make my soul, it would simply boil away. So cheers to you, section 124. And congratulations on the season tickets to my heart. Eternally, Leon


All these people looking for lost love. In love, in hate, in desperation. Tonight, I’m just waiting on a friend. And that feels pretty good.  D.B.

Joey – buy me an expensive ring, ask me to marry you, give me all your money, let me lock you up in misery for the rest of your life. Because I’m WORTH IT. Hurry up, my biological clock IS TICKING!!


Lois – love is real. Believe.


Ok Max. I’ll take you back. Just quit the habit already.


Jack – come and knock on our door. We’ve been waiting for you. Where the kisses are hers and hers and his. We’re waiting for you. Down at our rendezvous.


Heidi – I’ve been working on my yodeling. When I’m up to snuff with it, I’ll yodel all over your doorbell.

Newports & chocolate milk

Been a year since our late nights. Was a fun connection and I wonder how you are? Reach out and let me know. — Dennis


You’re never gonna know

Someone asked me if I missed you. I didn’t answer. I just closed my eyes and walked away and whispered ‘so much’


Short Stay

Do they have short stay hotels/motels in East Falls? You know, the kind of place where you can rent a room for 2-4 hours? If so where? Thanks, J.


Well here’s the thing, Ginger. I told you I was emotionally unavailable because of everything. I said let’s just have fun. Now you’re asking where we stand. I told you what was what. It’s so delightful in bed with you, gazing at that psychedelic ceiling projection. You’re great. But I am where I am, and that’s it. Sorry about showing up at your door at 2am, fresh from the strip club. Tell Sleeves I said hi.


You: At Gutman library, in the Human Sexuality. Me: Wearing a Vulcan in the Streets, Klingon in the Sheets t-shirt. You were looking for a book on the “Karman Soodra” and I told you you were an ignorant slut. Let’s meet again.


There I was, minding my own business, enjoying the band at Wissahickon Brewing Company. Closed my eyes for a moment and when I opened them, you were right there in my face. You smooched me. Just like that. Then walked away. Well, danced away, sort of. WHO ARE YOU? And thanks!


Hilda Doolittle. Hilda, Hilda, Hilda. I wrapped you up like a Klimpt painting – snug as a bug-in-a-rug in your golden, swirling blue circle blanket. I warped you out into the unknown and now we swim in the dark river. Where have you gone?

Hey Christa — I just can’t remain undecided, unprovided.

So in vain I tried to kiss the rain. Soggy lips sink ships. PS I want my cd back.


Please, Pete. Please – I was up all night curled in a tiny ball with my pillows between my legs. Don’t do this to me.


Me: sitting in the bus shelter at Henry and Midvale. I mentioned my searing gas pain and you told me “Gas-X would help with that.” You didn’t give me one of yours, but it was still obvious you cared. Hope I see you again soon.

Yo Melissa, how’s that balding douchebag working out? Whatever you do, don’t look in the basement where he keeps his gay porn. — A Friend


After what happened 20 years ago, I had to dig a hole and bury myself in it. Never to be found. So I moved to Cape May, bought a metal detector and I search the beach for lost treasure. They laugh, I know — but who cares? I’m searching every day. For all that stuff underground. Hidden. Just like me. I’ve found some good stuff. A few gold rings, rare things. Today, I was walking along that expanse. I found two dimes and a nickel. Headphones on, I didn’t see or hear you. But you appeared out of nowhere. You found me. All this time I was looking and YOU found ME. Uncovered. Turns out you were searching with your metal detector too. Sunset, sand, the wash of the waves. I guess I was looking to be found. Thank you for digging me up.


Thank you for being such a good friend, Sharon. I almost feel bad about laughing at you when you passed out on the freshly shellacked bench – and the night I tied your shoe laces together not 4, but 5 times. Call me! I know just how to make it up to you.


I should have known. My guard was down, you were up. Bubbly. I should have known you were the same as all of them. I should have known. Don’t bother.


Thanks for callin the COPS, that’s what I needed! 3 cops all up in my grill, at 1 in the morning. Yea, I drank all your peach schnapps, n drunk your beer. And smoked half your Newports. Get over it, yo. You know you still love me.

Stacy – You wanna hurt me? Go right ahead if it makes you feel any better. I’m an easy target. Think what you want about me; I’m not changing. I like me. My friends like me. My customers like me. What you see is what you get. I wish you luck, Del


Katie, I know your jealous but hear me out. Those girls were for fun. My heart is yours and yours only. Please forgive me. I want you back. I want you on your back. Let’s meet up in the hollow and start over.


All these years I’ve had a crush on you, but I was too scared to tell you. Did you even recognize me when you swiped right? Seeing you after so long – waiting for me, of all people. You’re just too much – like beautiful art that makes you cry or a perfect note so high it shatters glass. I’m sorry I never called you back. If you want to try again, I’m game. I think.


It’s five in the morning, looking for you. Beads of sweat running down the back of my neck. Is this how you want to play? Still? Stop it with the drama, we’re both to blame. Let’s put all this behind us. Please Sue, I need you.


What’s love got to do with it? I thought we were just playing around, Dan. Having fun. Stop being so possessive. Linda

Frisky kitty on the prowl, meow meow. I’ve still got my claws but I’ll only use them if you ask nicely. Let me show you my belly, and where I like most to be pet. Purrrrr. First guy to say “hi” to me at Quizzo wins the prize. Come-n-get-it fellas! I’m nine lives’ worth of fun. Rowl. — Tabby


Mark, remember me? You were too busy for our relationship, wanted to take a break to focus on stuff at work. So who is that skank in your Instagram now? You’re the worst liar ever and I hope you chip your new teeth on her tacky piercings. Karma’s a bitch, you’ll see.


Chris, I don’t know what to say. I’ve been up for 3 days straight listening to Huey Lewis and the News – thinking about you. Their early work was a little too new wave for my tastes, but when Sports came out in ’83, I think they really came into their own, commercially and artistically. The whole album has a clear, crisp sound, and a new sheen of consummate professionalism that really gives the songs a big boost. He’s been compared to Elvis Costello, but I think Huey has a far more bitter, cynical sense of humor. Please take me out so I can focus on something else! XO, Jennifer


Dawn M: You probably don’t remember me – we went to school together when you were chubby with thick glasses, and everyone thought I was a burnout. We were once assigned as partners on a research project for English class, and you yelled at me for letting you do all the work. However, it was your fault for wearing that ridiculously bright neon yellow sweater that fried my brain after burning my retinas. Hey, it was the 80’s, I forgive you. Shall we reconnect?  ~Dave G

I’m on the verge of tears by the time we arrive at Fiorino’s — positive we won’t have a decent table. But we do, and relief washes over me in an awesome wave. I’m feeling like saltimbocca but, as usual, I order the Bolognese. Somehow this is your fault, and I feel like crying again. Story of our life now, Martin. Waiting for the other shoe to drop.


Curious. You appeared out of thin air. With your curly hair, at the art gallery. My Wing Woman failed me. Now I’ll just keep looking for you. Call Me Bob.


Rita, nothing’s quite the same now. All your stuff just makes me sad, but to throw it away would prove you’re never coming back. And I can’t face that now. Maybe never. I wish I knew these words could reach you. Send me a sign, I’ll know it when I see it.  — Scott


To my Angels. Last night in Cape May, you both must have glided down from a dark cloud as I was extinguishing my last smoke of the evening. Would I like to get high? Indeed I would! You were on a mission to swim naked in the night sea. OK then! We danced with the sharks in the moonlight. We spoke of human perception, of multiple dimensions. On the way out, you each took an arm as we walked thru the dawn: “I AM KING OF THE WORLD!” Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.


Laura, You make my visits to the shop delightful. You have a nice big nose and round blue glasses. How do I ask you out? ~Happy Customer (with the knit beanie in summertime)


Where’s the line between lust and love, Tracy? Spiked, dyed and dirty. Incense and peppermints. We are one.  Come back. ~Brian

You made the coolest move. I walked off the train, you were walking on. You slid a matchbox from your hand to mine and didn’t say a word. You forgot to put your phone number in it. That was the hottest thing ever. Who ARE you?! I’m the blond girl with dog fur all over her sweater. I hope you’re not allergic. ~ Indie’s mom
You. Standing. Watching. Don’t dive in. Don’t go off the deep end.
Sweat Peach Rain, you made me see the Lites: Bud, Miller, Coors… All were flowing that afternoon at Cranky’s patio where I first fell in love with your double chin and dirty elbows. If you’re asking, I’m in. ~ Alex

Spending all my nights, all my money going out in East Falls. Doing anything just to get you off my mind. But when the morning comes, I’m right back where I started again: Osmond street at 9 am.

Baby come back, this fool can finally see how wrong I was. I can live without you, but I don’t want to. Can we begin again?  ~ Star Child

Doesn’t Matter
You invited me back to your place!!! I was too drunk to remember where your place is — but I saw an East Falls Local in your bathroom (so I’m assuming). Did we hook up? All I remember is your curtains. Billowing yellowed curtains. Is that a print or are they stained? How could I forget you?! Call me, I’m off the anti-biotics. ~ Dave
Five foot two, eyes of blue. This does not describe you. It describes ME!!!!!! You were on the deck at In Riva, with a big group of friends. You looked like Jack Klugman, Abe Vigoda and Jamie Farr in one. I’m a lot younger then you, but I’m a big fan of 70’s TV. Let’s MASH some Fish and play Quincy. Dig?  ~ Natalie Olsen
One time, I slept over at your place on Haywood. You tucked me in on your couch. I never told you this, but through my one open, squinty, cocked eye I saw you pause at the top of the stairs and give me a sweet, loving look before going all the way and shutting off the light. Just the most romantic moment. A Mona Lisa smile. ~Forever Smitten

You liked my tan khaki trousers and “sky blue” shirt, which matches the shade of your eyes and artificial leg. You never noticed that thing about asparagus and pee but seemed open to the possibility (which is more than I can say for your friend). We texted till two in the morning. Where do I send the mix tape I made you? ~ Danny Boy


Hello Veronica,

I met you at the senior center, you had gray hair. So did I. You like big band music, so do I. You play checkers, I do too. Tapioca’s your favorite pudding, mine as well. You like playgrounds, I do not. Does this mean we don’t have a future? Please say hello again, when you’re ready to come to your senses. ~Mr. M
Lie down with dogs, get up with fleas, B. That’s all I’m gonna say. I’ll be waiting when you come crying, although I don’t know why.  ~ Sammie


Sarah: Of course I saw you two making out at the brewery. He’s using you to get to me, and you’re too stupid to see it. I don’t care if we’re cousins, we’re no longer friends.

You were going as I was coming, it was explosive – to meet you. It was weird how we were dressed identically: black shorts, white tank, blue Converse. You chased me home & rang my doorbell like crazy. (I have roommates, so I guess you rang all of our doorbells!) Ring us up anytime, it’s an afternoon delight to see you. ~ The Spicy Girls.


No, you said, and I believed you. How friggin stupid could I be? I hope you choke on your damn seitan wings, pussy. — G-man


Maggie: Please don’t worry, you and Jay care for each other. Age is just a number, as insignificant as the number of days you’ve known each other. Follow your heart! You will make my son a fine wife. Also, I need him out of my basement. You two are made for each other, I’m sure you’ll be happy wherever you go.

Here’s a missed connection: YOUR WIFE AND KIDS! Why don’t you, for ONE NIGHT, come home instead of going to the bar? There’s an idea! ONE NIGHT. You think I don’t know what a stripper smells like?! Would it kill you to take out the trash? IS IT SO HARD?! You promised you’d do the dishes tonight, but I’m looking at them right now. Just sitting there in the sink. FILTHY. When are you going to fix the fence?! You have got to stick to your diet. The doctor told you, NO DRINKING, NO SMOKING, NO RED MEAT!!! And you NEVER exercise! You need to mow the lawn today. Why don’t you make love to me anymore? ~ Honey
Everything will work out.
Thank you for the Tiger Balm, Bruce, it really helped. The swelling went down in 4 hours. The rash is still red & puffy, but just close your eyes when you’re down there. You probably won’t catch anything. Call me back! ~ Tastycakes

P:  What is wrong with us? Why can’t we stop? We’re cheating ourselves and our families. For the last time, no. And I’ll need my handcuffs back. — N


Irma the Body
It was Tuesday the 20th of June at precisely 3:47 pm at the corner of Vaux and Queen. You giggled and said I look just like Steve Carell. I didn’t know who that is. I still do not. I said that you were every bit as desirable as “Irma The Body.” Let’s have that rootbeer float. Please return my calls.


Serious thoughts
Those pre-wedding emails we exchanged, that Sid’s friend read….do you know I seriously had thoughts about cancelling, quitting my job, getting in the car, and somehow finding you.


Henry Avenue Drag Race
We were barreling down Henry Avenue, doing about 65 miles an hour, with 8 of us crammed in the back of that egg shell white fan, remember? Smoking, drinking, etc. I was the one wearing my Free Mustache Rides t-shirt. We hooked up in Inn Yard Park, but I never got your name! Let’s cruise East Falls in my ’97 green Camaro, and see if we can break the speed record.


Story book ending?

You: Somoan. Me: petite. We were a story before, maybe we can be one again. Meet me at Cranky Joe’s Friday night between 6pm and 8:30. I owe you a shot and a Miller Lite at least.


Re: Not a spy messages
“Lucy.” I will be waiting at our rendezvous point when DK leaves for Wildwood. You are right, no one will think to look here at our messages. The Turtle.


Coffee Breath

You know who you are. We have to find a new place to meet. People are talking when we make out at Epicure.


Ashley at Quizzo in June

You: beautiful with a mysterious scar. Me: white, hirsute, handsome. Sat beside you Tuesday 6/20. I lied, we had never met before — I just overheard your name when your friends used it. Wrote down my number to give to you, then chickened out. Wishing I had followed through for better or worse.

Dr. Pepper PJs

Was heading home with some Cheetos, you were kind of wandering around the parking lot like you were waiting for someone. I loved your Dr. Pepper pajama pants, and that fat ass I could speedboat forever. I know you saw me stop and watch you. Hit me up I was in a white car.


Your name was Dan, or Danny, or Rinaldo. I was drunk. I’ll be at Taproom at 7:15 pm every night until I find you. Let’s hook up, cutie!


Cried a lot today. I’m always sad on my birthday, don’t know why.

But thank you for the birthday greeting.


A Matter of Time

You said you read these but never answer just wanted to let you know that I really enjoyed our conversation in the alley tonite. God I hope you see this.


Big Bang Freaky

Let me be frank. I’ve abstained from physical engagement most of my life, but I’ve hit some kind of peak that requires relief. You: reasonably half good looking. Me: biologist with an 80’s fetish. Yeah, I will Blind you with Science. Meet me at East Falls Beer Garden this month. I’ll be wearing burgundy. Burgundy.


Late, late Friday. Fishing on the steps at Midvale (6/23). You: red cooler, warm hands, chicken hearts for the catfish (that you fed the rats instead). Me: nice girl from G-town who finds you hilarious. We snuck beers onto the bus home, like teenagers or hobos. Why haven’t I seen you again?



You were my Indian Queen, Conrad. Those big brown eyes, that tiny shaved head. I am your secret admirer. I had on a gray shirt and tan slacks. My smile is very distinctive (hint: gums!). Our hands brushed in line for the bathroom. I still haven’t washed.


Wasn’t Me

Vinnie, I promise I didn’t tell anyone about the heist planned for next Tuesday. Please let me back on the crew.


Theosophists Anon

Doug, we connected at the Theosophists Anon meeting last week. Let’s start something, like astral traveling.

Svetlana Petrova

Good Samaritan

I’m Betty. You helped me across the street, young man. You said you were 19 and age is just a number. I may be 82, but you set me ablaze after you finished your tea and crumpets at my house. You know where I live, so come by and see me. Please bring a small tin of cat food for Sergio and Luca.


Death Bed

“I have to be at your deathbed,” she said. That’s the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me.


There She Goes Again

So glad we can laugh now about how I used to watch you walk back to the dorm with that smile, orange lipstick and fishing basket for a purse. Then Sandy made me meet you. I was so in love with you that year, but the love we have now — if not romantic — is miles higher, richer and deeper than I ever could have imagined. Please unblock me.


A Token

I’m alone Sitting with my empty glass My four walls Follow me through my past I was on a SEPTA train I emerged in Philly rain And you were waiting there Swimming through apologies I remember searching for the perfect words I was hoping you might change your mind I remember a soldier sleeping next to me Riding on the SEPTA.

Vote for Us

Seeing you again at all these meetings, after all these years. Time is short at our age! The other day when you wore that pink track suit, I knew I had to tell you that I love you.


About Karl Von Lichtenhollen 68 Articles
Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen is a doctor and fellow of the Applied Knowledges at Blödsinn Universität in Munich, Germany (1973). He was born and raised in the Nether Regions area of Holland, near Tainte, which he refers to fondly as a "Dutch Wonderland." Dr. Lichtenhollen once shared a houseboat in Amsterdam with the cast of a geriatric production of HAIR, inspiring his famous essay, "That Which I Cannot Unsee." He is a three-time recipient of the "Iron Feather" award. His hobbies include ascots, Highland wool sweaters and his pipe. He has a cat.


  1. What’s up, with that “Patti Salmon” if that’s really her real name. It could be Salmon Patti for all we know? Any-Who, she is telling the whole world that at some place named “Kutcharitaville” and someone called “Chef Captain Kutchie Pelaez”? Is that something like “Jimmy Buffet” the singer has down in Florida? Any-Who she says that he makes the best key-lime-pie that this world has ever seen and eaten. Also, if you can believe it, this so called “Chef Captain Kutchie Pelaez” of “Kutcharitaville”, well he supposed to serve the “World’s Greatest Prime Ribs”? First of all, how can anyone be both a “Captain” and a “Chef”? Does that mean that he is the captain of all the chef’s or what? Son of a bitch I just don’t know do you?

    She also states that this so called “Chef-Captain Kutchie Pelaez of Kutcharitaville” gives too all that order one of his “World Famous Prime Ribs” a coupon too fill-out and enter his monthly give away of, get this, One $Million Dollars! Who in their right mind gives away a Million $Dollars every month to people that eats his or anyone else’s Prime Ribs, Who-Who-Who? I might have been born at night but it wasn’t last night.

    If all this could really be true, perhaps we should all go too this wonderful place called “Kutcharitaville” drink a few of those so-called Kutcharitas, eat “The World’s Greatest Prime Ribs and Key Lime Pie” and fill-in the blanks and win ourselves a Cool $Million Bucks. I ask you “What Have You Got To Loose?”

    So, if you don’t win a Million Bucks, then all you have to blame is not me but someone named “Patti Salmon”. Or is it really “Salmon Patti”? Who knows?
    Don’t Google Me, I Won’t Google You! We’ll All Win, Yeah!
    Thanks Boss, I really love the way that you think!
    It seems like just yesterday we were hearing Captain Kutchie Pelaez Himself in person telling us all
    that all life matters. Captain Kutchis, He’s The Man
    and don’t you forget it! No Brag, Just Fact.
    Ain’t it the Truth?
    Kiss My Grit’s.

  2. Your virtuosic command of language is nothing short of awe-inspiring, as you effortlessly navigate the intricate nuances of syntax and semantics, fashioning prose that transcends the realm of mere words and ascends to the pantheon of linguistic artistry.

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