Missed Connections: OCTOBER 2021

Compiled with stealth and cunning from the spectral soul of local social media this month by Dr. Karl’s overburdened and fearless assistant Dagmar. Look out! 

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Me: *stabs vampire*
Wife: omg!
Me: *beats vampire to death*
Wife: OMG
Me: what?
Wife: ur supposed to give them candy
<scary music suddenly stops>

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Herbs & Words Costume Party: SAT OCT 9th  A night for visual & verbal artistry in Germantown. Mics are smokin’ with some of the funniest local comics along with some dope lyricism, spoken word -style. Tix $17.99 – $44.99 (costumed guests $5 off).  @eventbrite. Doors open 8pm. 54 Maplewood Mall. *A regularly occurring event*
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ISO a room in a Roxborough/East Falls/Manayunk house for our 19 year old son. He is neat, clean and easy to get along with unless you’re related to him, in which case he’s a major dick.  ~ Maxine

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TOO MANY GAMES! October 8/9/10th at the Gr. Phila Expo Center (Oaks, PA). Massive gaming/youtuber event! 100+ vendors: video games/components, new releases, board games, arts, crafts, more. Live music, panel discussions with experts and celebs. FREE for kids 10 & under with paid adult, $40/day or all three days for $60 (other packages via eventbrite). info@toomanygames.com.

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POPE FRANCIS on trickle down economics: “The promise was that when the glass was full, it would overflow, benefitting the poor. But what happens instead is that when the glass is full, it magically gets bigger – nothing every comes out for the poor.”  @JusticeNow

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Come rolling with Tandem Bike Tours, the city’s only double-bike experience. No two rides alike! Explore markets, breweries, historic sites and more. @LOCALmotion on Facebook

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MOSTLY T-SHIRTS but other stuff too at Phila’s biggest vintage clothing flea market Saturday October 23 (11am – 6pm).  Oaks Expo Center. PS You can bike here down the Schuylkill River trail, it’s an easy ride unless you’re a lard ass.

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He who is without ovaries shall not make laws for those who do.
– Fallopians 9:12

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Toast at the Turtle: I was strolling briskly around McMichael park and we both caught each other’s eye – thrice – as you were walking your Golden. You were well-dressed, in a blue blazer and khakis while I had on something a bit less staid, with wide-legged slacks and a jaunty chapeau. If I see you again, I hope we can chat. ~ Mme. James  PS It’s likely I’ll have crisp pinot gris in my satchel.

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OCTOBER 11 – 15: Dine Latino Restaurant Week!
Free app or dessert with your meal! Try La Caleñita Columbian café (Olney/Oak Ln)  LaCaleñitaBakery.com. Full list of participating establishments at philahispanicchamber.org.

Who Has Stubborn Belly Fat they can’t get rid of? Show his sorry ass out the door, honey. @AuntieC

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I never post here but my friend Dookie was like  “It’s free” and I was all, “You’re right” so like this is for the guy walking the Great Dane on Henry Avenue. I asked if you could help us jump Dookie’s car but you went “”No thanks!” and vanished into the landscaping. How’d you do that?  ~ Frannie (Germantown)

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Hi neighbors! Does anyone know a good place to repair leather in the neighborhood? The whole crotch needs to be replaced on my Eddie Murphy “Raw” suit. Gonna need a perfect match for that shade of purple  – Sean

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if lesbians can control themselves when girls are wearing revealing clothing but guys cant, maybe the problem isn’t the clothes. #justsayin

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PANDEMIC has been hard on everyone and especially those struggling with ADDICTION or working hard to maintain their RECOVERY. North Star Treatment Services is here to help with all outpatient levels of care, IN-PERSON sessions, day and evening IOP and PHP! CALL TODAY so we can set you up with an assessment and start treatment right away 215-954-7605 ♥ — Ryan

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I Have Been Living In Germantown All My Life And I Have Been The King 🤴🏿 Of Germantown For Half Of That…… I Never Knew Yall Was This Racist And Prejudice 😂😂😂 Black And White Smh…… Yall Should Move Seriously! – Keith

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Trust and believe if I had the complaints these people have I would move whether I rent/own if I’m so “frightened” and feel “threatened” I will absolutely move. They full of sh*t and just need to learn to coexist with people of ALL races or go back to where they were living “comfortable” with their own kind 😊✌🏾  — Bridgette

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Such a good time at Attic Brewing Company in Germantown!!! We’re always collaborating with neighbors for fun events and cool vibes!!! Plus there’s no cover or reservations needed. All events are outside in the beer garden (weather permitting). Thursday Red Stone Pizza Truck some of the best wood fired pizza in the city; Friday Dj Slowpoke aka Emily Birdie Busch and Jamaican D’s Food Truck; Saturday Karaoke 7pm hosted by DJ Jus Fresh aka Justin Wakefield; Sunday Germantown Outdoor Market 2-6 with A Different Vibe Food Truck and Live plus lots of great vendors!!!  137 Berkley St; 367-748-2495 PS Metal Mondays are no joke! 🎸🎶🤟🤟🤟🖤

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If my kid has lice is treatment optional or can I send him to school to sit next to your kid all day? #covidiot #Vaccine

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I don’t know who needs to hear this but <unintelligible blood-curdling screaming>  #HappyHalloween

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Find out about local pick-up softball games in this great autumn weather! PhillySoftballRocks@gmail.com Fern Hill Park (Roberts & Wissahickon) All Welcome.

Above iMPeRFeCT Gallery’s doorway, there’s a new frieze that has touched our hearts, a tribute to the artist Juan Carlito Cruz Adames, who we recently lost and who was due to paint the frieze himself this Fall. Colleague James Tafel Shuster created a digital image composed of Juan’s trademark faces, printed it on parachute cloth & installed it for him this September. Come by to see it, stay for Friday Night rumba (8pm) 5539 Germantown Ave

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NOTICE:

Now that the Kroc center has closed (for improvements?), the Friends of Pickett Pool have been advocating to reopen and rehab Pickett pool which was one of two of the last remaining indoor pools that was open up til Fall 2019. This has been a consistent problem especially in our community. From the closing of Marcus Foster, Rhodes, and Sayre the only indoor pool that is left and open to the public is in the Northeast, and we wonder why there is a life guard shortage.

Swimming is more than a recreational sport it is a life skill and we invite you to join us in reaching out to our elected officials and donors to support one of the last standing pools. Call Cindy Bass 215-686-3424 or cindy.bass@phila.gov ask her to REOPEN the only INDOOR POOL   Swimming isn’t a luxury it’s a life skill. Follow @friendsofpicketpool on FB   5700 Wayne Ave 19144  ~ Thanks, Charisma D Presley

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Fancy New Indoor Venue: “Repast Special” $500/4 hours, seating for 100, incl linens, coolers, centerpieces and food stations.  267-593-1402, Infinite Mercy Catering Hall on Facebook.

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Hello I know this is a big ask but does anyone know of any local garages with rooftop parking for 20 – 30 brooms from Spell Casters Local #39 ? Preferably something higher than 4 stories, so we don’t have to worry so much about clearance on takeoff. DM Blair from our Insta.

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If you think being forced to wear a mask is bad, imagine being forced to have a baby!! #fuckTexas

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WBC Beer Garden Sunday 9/26 — We talked briefly by the foot truck & made eye contact thru our stay. On the way out as we were both leaving & you did a little dance! I can’t stop thinking bout that shimmy! You seem like a great time & I hope you see this, I hope you’re single. If you see me say hello!  ~J.J. the public school teacher

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If you need any proof that American masculinity is under attack, just go and see a marriage counselor and watch how quickly the conversation devolves into a bunch of nonsense regarding the so-called “needs” of your wife!  ~ Mr. Bill

THRILLS, CHILLS: It’s a Monster Squad Reunion at the Gr. Phila Expo Center October 22 – 24. The biggest names in horror plus Christine the Car live in “person”! Themed exhibits, screenings and special events all weekend. Tix $25 – $35 plus a variety of packages and pre-show perks. MONSTERMANIA.NET

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Just wanted to give a heads up that there’s a man living in Germantown who illegally tows cars and sells them to a junkyard on 3700 block of D Street. He got our Expedition on Wednesday which was legally registered and insured. He lied and said he was the owner! Watch if you have multiple vehicles!

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Reality is, racism and bigotry is alive and among us, here and everywhere. The beauty of this area is that while there are people who rather not know their neighbors because of what makes them different, there are far more of us here who believe in community and want to create and maintain safe and accepting and inclusive space for us all to live, work, and play well together – Olivia

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I personally think Cinderella should have lived a happy life with all her animal friends rather than settle for a man who had her try on a shoe because he didn’t recognize her without makeup. #truth
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PHS Beer Garden NOW OPEN in Manayunk. Raise a glass in a horticultural oasis with exciting local food & drink options. Daily hours, wheelchair accessible, reservations available for large parties (book thru phsonline.org).
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Yupperdoodles, I was hoping these ads were a hook up thing. Pretty quick I come to realize everyone here is just yanking chains, man. It’s cool. Now I know, and hey, you know too so if that’s the thing you are looking for lemme stop you right here. ~ @ActiveBitchFace in East Falls

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Sonora, I’m not good on trust. I mean, I thought I was but this vaccine thing changes everything. I know you want me to trust that you know your body and you have your own immunity and whatever. But all I hear is that you are willfully helping proliferate variants that could kill us all.  I know we’ve had 6+ awesome years but your abject selfishness ruins everything. Please drop the ring off at my mom’s.  ~ Jeremy

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Pets! Pets! Pets! Oct 8/9/10th at the Gr. Phila Expo Center in Oaks. Philly Bully Team presents a shopping and outreach extravaganza, with merchandise, services, demos, hands-on attractions, reptiles & exotics, circus acts and more! Lots of adoptables to meet! Tix $15/$6 Familypetshows.com  PS lure course open to public!

FREE FIX: Does Your Cat/Kitten Need a Snip? Includes flea/deworming treatment & vaccinations. Schedule: FreeFix@catagelphia.org / 215-792-3124

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IT’S A TWO-FER:
Two great Saturday Community Markets for fresh meats & produce plus artisan foods, crafts, art & more:

Farm Stand at G-town Kitchen Garden
9am – 1pm, 215 E. Penn Street
Germantownkitchengarden.com

East Falls Farmers Market
10am – 2pm under the Twin Bridges
@eastfallsfarmersmarket

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HUMANS & CANINES in need of socialization and/or exercise and/or something to do on Sundays: Please join East Falls neighbors for a relaxed, guided walk around through our area’s charming, tree-lined streets. The NW Philly Pack Walk meets 9:30 am every Sunday at McMichael Park, rain or shine. Kids welcome, no dog required!

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Sweet Sister at ShopRite: foxy weekday Fox Street shopper. Neon locs swinging every step of the way. One day I will have the courage to strike up a conversation. Until then, I’ll dream that you will see this, and think of me.  ~ Freckled Anton

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#YesAllWomen because the odds of being attacked by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067 while a woman’s odds of being raped are 1 in 6 – yet fear of sharks is seen as rational, while being cautious of men is seen as misandry. @WOAR

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To be the undead is to know your pale skin and red lips offend others. My words are less a story than a foretelling. Or possibly a prayer. Whatever I reveal, it’s accurate and true because it could not be otherwise. Do you understand? VampireRising.com

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IRAQI HOSPITALITY: Open House Weds October 27 for Al Mudhif, a cross-cultural community art project at the Schuylkill Center for Environmental Education. Enjoy tea, coffee & Iraqi pastries hosted by artist/designer Yaroub Al-Obaidi in a traditional guesthouse made of locally-harvested water reeds. 3PM – 5-PM, register free at schuylkillcenter.org.

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I’m so confused. I was listening to one of my ex girlfriend’s playlists the other day (she still logs into my Spotify) and it was like every other song now is about having a secret and being curious and then it ends with “I’m Coming Out” so obviously I’m wondering. What does everyone think?  ~ Gavin on Homer St.  PS Just noticed it’s named after her best friend, Alexis. A clue?!!

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Karma Keeps Receipts, R. Your hurtful DECEPTIONS will have real-life consequences. I gave you multiple chances to make things right. No more! Your not an honest person and never will be!! Don’t ever ask anything from me or pretend you care. This is all going to end in more drama & back-stabbing. At least I can sleep at night.  ~ Cousin Angel

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I’m buying sportscards! Baseball, football, basketball, hockey, Pokemon – non sports cards too. All your cards! Call or text Dom 215-264-2200.

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Hey it’s Adam Sandler, in town filming for my new movie Hustle. I don’t know how I found this paper but you people are crazy. Especially the ones from Roxborough. Yo! Your cheesesteaks suck! Get your ass to Delco.

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Something I heard a lot growing up: Girls, boys mature more slowly than you. Make allowances for them. Something I never heard: Boys, girls mature more rapidly than you. Look to them as examples of intelligence and leadership. #thingsthatmakeyougohumm

Scooby Doo outfits at a local thrift shop

We hope you have enjoyed this Month’s MISSED CONNECTIONS!

Reply or place your own listing in one of three ways: 1) comment below 2) text 215-498-8874 or 3) email DrKarl@nwlocalpaper.com. If you are responding to an ad privately, please be as specific as possible so that Dr. Karl may properly assist. Thank you, my friend.

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About Karl Von Lichtenhollen 34 Articles
Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen is a doctor and fellow of the Applied Knowledges at Blödsinn Universität in Munich, Germany (1973). He was born and raised in the Nether Regions area of Holland, near Tainte, which he refers to fondly as a "Dutch Wonderland." Dr. Lichtenhollen once shared a houseboat in Amsterdam with the cast of a geriatric production of HAIR, inspiring his famous essay, "That Which I Cannot Unsee." He is a three-time recipient of the "Iron Feather" award. His hobbies include ascots, Highland wool sweaters and his pipe. He has a cat.

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