Missed Connections: SEPTEMBER 2021

Received and culled from the warm sweaty corners of local social media by Dr. Karl von Lichtenhollen

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Jackie: we’re supposed to meet on Vaux for a blind date setup by my girl Peña. She said you’re tall, dark, and handsome and that you’d have your chinchilla with you on a leash. I don’t know what kind of dog that is so instead can you wear like a hat or carnation or something easily identifiable? That way I’ll know it’s you. ~BabyCakes

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Phil, I was serious when I said my favorite childhood memory was my back not hurting. When my time comes, make sure you check my pockets before they bury me  – I probably have your lighter. ~ Dave
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So now I’m hearing the “government” is making you show an “age passport” to enter a bar or buy alcohol, and a “commercial driving passport” to operate a tractor trailer?! Wowww. Smdh. #freedom

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Mind & Body Wellness Fair in the Falls – Saturday September 18th at Inn Yard Park. Classes begin 8am, vendors open 10am. Brought to you by East Falls Development Corporation & Thunder Mug Café.

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Just You Wait, Excelsior! Wait’ll you see who’s moving into our tiny apartment – you can’t miss him, his cage’ll be in the same room with your litter box. His name is Larry and he’s a 13-foot long homeless Burmese python that I’ve talked your mommy into rescuing. I didn’t mention the part about his owners giving him up after he showed a taste for family pets. See where I’m going with this, you little pisser? Larry can’t wait to meet you, buddy. He LOVES cats!!! – Alex  PS Mwaahaaahaaa!!!

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DEEP DISCOUNTS
Attention First-Time Parents & Foster/Adoptive Families: Just Between Friends provides everything you need to clothe & entertain your kiddos this Fall/Winter and beyond. Prices 50 – 90%  (all proceeds help local families in need). Register online to select your safe-shopping time slot. Thurs/Fri Sept 16/17 (10am – 8pm); Sat/Sun Sept 18/19 (8am – 4pm). Ask about Military/Essential Worker specials! More info on Facebook @JBFPhilly

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How Do You Feel About Bulgakov, punk rock, road trips, serial killer case studies, frozen custard (w/ chocolate jimmies), Petrarchan sonnets, Egyptian art, predicting global catastrophes, and flowering cacti? These are some of my interests, off the top of my head. I’m open to your feedback. Peace & Love, Trish by the crick

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This is Ronnie. I’m 46 but people tell me I look young so maybe I should lie about my age? I think I will at least fudge on my income – I don’t even have a job, but I will say that I have a trust fund or something.  Okay so tell me when I should start recording. Hello?  ~Ronnie
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Thunder Only Happens When It’s Raining!!
Come see GYPSY, the area’s best Stevie Nicks/Fleetwood Mac cover band **LIVE** at Valley Forge Casino Resort September 11th (8PM). Tix $30 – $35.  TIP: Don’t watch the Youtube videos unless you’re already a fan.

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Fellow Foodies, I’m here to tell you — obtaining pure fresh beaver castoreum is no picnic! But if you’re stuck on the sticky stuff like I am, you’ll need to trap and anaesthetize one adult to “milk” its bottom until you can squirt the fluid out. When added to your favorite dessert recipes, it affords a sublime vanilla flavor with unique musky notes. Well worth the trouble, if you ask me. – Auntie C

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WRITE ON! The Local paper is seeking contributors to help fill our pages with community voices. No experience necessary, we’re looking for authentic content that’ll resonate with readers: photos, text, cartoons, reviews, lists…. Email editor@nwlocalpaper.com to pitch your story or sign up for one of our informal “editorial meetings” at local coffeeshops and breweries (includes one free beverage). For more information, click here.
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Where’s my Chav?
For many years Chav played on the streets, but in her 30’s fame found her and wouldn’t let go. Damn right she dresses as a man and does as she pleases, too. She’s never without a switchblade and her trademark red jorongo, layered around her ancient frame. Chev’s radically non-heteronormative and given to occasional self-and-other destructive behavior. Chav cannot maintain her intense lifestyle for long. My hope is she’s found respite with a kind neighbor who has taken her in (perhaps without even knowing who she is). If you see her, please tell her Fred loves her and is looking for her. Now the second she hears my name she’ll go ballistic – pay no mind, that’s just for show. Give her my number, she’ll know what to do. Thanks, everyone.  ~Fred
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Home Sweet Home Show – Experts and information on the latest home design trends. Saturday/Sunday September 11/12 at Valley Forge Casino Resort. Exciting exhibits to inspire minor renovations and major remodels. FREE if you pre-register online ($10 at the door)
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Robbie J — Last time I saw you was when we broke up in the summer of 1971. Then last month your wizened face walked out of the crowd at the Airport Clarion Hotel lobby, and found me at the bar. Very funny, pretending to be visiting me from Beyond 30 minutes before telling me you were there for our 50th class reunion of Germantown High. Sorry I called you bald and fat. Notice I did not say you were unsexy. Call me to find out what else I didn’t say (Chuck has my contact info).  – Reeta Z
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Hi East Falls! It’s Brad Pitt here. I’ve been in your neighborhood doing research for my new Hollywood movie where I play a non-descript middle-aged white guy with a lame job and zero personality. Of course I am a method actor so I am living true-to-character in a shabby attic apartment on Ridge Avenue — I’ve even disguised my world-famous handsomeness for this role. I’m seeking a Leading Lady to show me around, who can keep my superstar identity under cover. You will be richly rewarded when I get back to L.A. Thanks.

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Allens Lane is offering great Dance & Theater Classes for Youth & Adults this fall. Registration now open: Vocal Techniques, Prepping for an Audition, No Fear Shakespeare, Stage Combat for Teens, Intro to Improv and more. Allenslane.org

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Hear Ye! Hear Ye! Anti Vaxxers who take the horse dewormer Ivermectin shall henceforth be referred to as “neighsayers.” #dadjokes
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The Queen of Diamonds. You were fast asleep on the Monday evening SEPTA train departing Queen Lane station at 10pm. Only the top of your head was visible, a pile of wet, curly black hair; the rest of you was tucked under a loopy blue crocheted sweater you were using for a blanket. I sat quietly in my seat beside you, holding my cell phone just right while a guided sleep-hypnosis exercise played softly into your ear. So calming. So sure. Even now. Just seeing the word RELAX, you will remember the Queen of Diamonds. And you will know what to do. Go!  @Michael S
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What a Set-Up! Hard to imagine we’d see this level of vaccine resistance if we had a medical system where people could regularly see doctors they trusted for free instead of a situation where in order to avoid going broke people seek medical advice on the internet.  @ReclaimPhiladelphia

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Hey it’s Diana, I’m looking for the Doolin Family – I was a member of their roving variety show, we did the NE circuit in the mid 80s. Does anyone remember their oldest son, Brian? We did the number from Sound of Music, where the strutting Nazi boy sings to the innocent young girl on the gazebo. I’m troubled that he’s using some of our stills on his right-wing Facebook page, if anyone can connect me with the Doolins, I’ll take it from there. Thanks.

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***GRASSO’S HAPPENING***
It’s a full makeover for prime riverfront real estate in East Falls that’s been sitting inexplicably vacant for decades, an eyesore across from the historic Falls Bridge and Schuylkill River Trail. Community Groundbreaking FRIDAY SEPT 10 at 2PM for a 5-story building with 142 residential units atop a ground floor of commercial space (incl. plans for a small grocer/fresh market). Also in the works: on-site café & bike share! View plans on nwlocalpaper.com or RSVP to the ceremony by September 3rd (rsvp@methodco.com)

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GOT INK? Philadelphia Tattoo Arts Convention celebrates skin art of all kinds and delights guests with a variety of vendors offering unique clothing, décor, jewelry, music, personal care products and more. SEPT 10 – 12 at the Philadelphia Convention Center. ($22/day, $45 3-day pass)

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The thing you need to know about me before we meet in public, is that I come from a long line of goofballs scrounging for laughs. ~ Fernhill Herman

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Parents! Before your college-bound children leave home, make sure they register to vote by absentee ballot. Help them if needed, thanks!

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For Lewis: I bet I know what happened at Gina & Tom’s, why I dumped that glass of wine on you, and said those things. Earlier that night, you’d asked me if I’d read Steinbeck, didn’t you? See, I heard “Star Trek” so that’s why I laughed and said no one takes the books seriously. And then of course you looked at me like I’m an idiot which naturally pissed me off, and stuff happened which I am hereby publicly apologizing for. I accept full responsibility while also pointing out that I am deaf in one ear and you do mumble, so. You know.  – Jennifer J by the House of Produce

Outrage without action is white supremacy self-soothing. @AntiRacistEducationNow

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GHOSTED Hey Family Man: before corona we were billiards, bowling, brew & buds. Now I’m back in our old haunts — where you at? If you see this, drop a note or something at the club. I don’t need to hear from you personally, just want to make sure you’re only ghosting me figuratively. Stay well.  ~ Mr. Wilson

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WHY NOT BOTH?
Two great Saturday Community Markets for fresh meats & produce plus artisan foods, crafts, art & more:

G-town Farmers Market
noon – 4pm at Market Square
(Gtown Ave & School House Ln)

East Falls Farmers Market
10am – 2pm under the Twin Bridges
@eastfallsfarmersmarket

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Tips to Prevent Carjacking: Park in well-lit areas. Be aware of your surroundings. Equip your car with an anti-theft device. Local your doors while driving. Avoid driving alone at night when possible. Never stop for stranded people on the side of the road. (Note their location & pull over to a safe space then call for help.  @39th Phila Police District
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I’m seeking the nice gentleman I met at Ken Weinstein’s open house for the old Germantown Masonic Hall apartments. We both called the restoration work breathtaking, and then we said “Jinx!” at the same time and Stu giving the tour said we should get a drink afterward, ha! Were you joking when you said you were single? Cause I saw you pull off in a Maserati Countach and now I’m quite thirsty. Hope to see you around. ~Simka (red hair, green romper)

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Felix, I’m regretting my choice to indulge your OCD. Letting you clean out my fridge on the first date seemed harmless but that quickly led to drawers & closets. Then the attic, and the shed. Now as I type this, you’re downstairs reorganizing my DVD collection according to some arcane and extremely specific protocol you’ve invented. I feel this crosses a line. Let’s take a break until you check in with your therapist.   ~ Madison
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What is Fear? Fun in disguise! I’m here to show you there’s another path to walk besides the worn-and-dangerous one we’re all being coaxed down, against our own best interests. Listen: you don’t have to be afraid anymore. Call Kelsey, be happy. #brave #resist
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HANDS OFF!  I just learned that there is an organization that takes people’s cats off the street and neuters them without owner consent! You touch my cats I will beat the piss out of your cunty bitch-ass. This is Martha Q from East Falls. Stay off my porch.

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Did you know… Hashish was offered for sale at Philadelphia’s Centennial Exposition in 1876. Guests were encouraged to smoke or ingest this “Turkish delicacy” for an enhanced fair experience. I’ll bet!  #themoreyouknow
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QUILT FEST IS BACK! Pennsylvania National Quilt Extravaganza returns to the Greater Philadelphia Expo Center in Oaks, PA. SEPT 16 – 19. 400+ quilts on display plus textile & wearable art from around the globe. Super-sized Merchant Mall filled to the brim . In-person & virtual workshops/lectures, too. Register online Quiltfest.com $15/day (pre-register for $20 4-day pass).

NW Philly Satanists will Blow Your Mind
No we’re not devil worshippers – we don’t even believe in him, or God for that matter. Satanists use the construct of “Satan” to represent human individualism, which we believe is the secret to achieving our highest potential. Learn more at our Open House Saturday Sept 18 at midnight by the Hermit caves. BYO sacrificial doves (JK we’re doing a vegan potluck). All welcome.
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This is for the person who wanted to know who’s buying all the birdseed in East Falls. Guilty as charged! So I have a lot of bird feeders, what’s it to you? I don’t got a lot going on, they make me happy. Tell you one thing, I like birds way better than nosy neighbors! Mind ya business. ~Gayle

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It’s too generous to say we “wasted” $2.26 trillion on the wars in Afghanistan. The reality is, military contractors got rich off those wars. We didn’t just waste that money – we funneled it to the same people whose political donations fund more pro-war candidates.  #itsaracket

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Hi Karl, I applied your “NakidBallz” hair removal cream last night. It feels like they are burning when I touch them even after 16 hours!!! Also, my girlfriend’s whole mouth is red and swollen, although that’s not stopping her from yelling at me. My girlfriend is Stephanie L. Parker, of Manayunk. How do I fix this? Please help, ~Phil Levitt

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WOULD YOU RATHER have a Genie in a bottle who was beholden to you for letting her out or a Samantha with witch powers who could kick your ass if she wanted? @SeriousQuestion

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Don’t It Feel Good? Connor, if you weren’t cool with my nude interpretive dancing then why on earth did you give me the tequila? And put on that Katrina and the Waves song? ~ W.O. Sunshine

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Is there a Perky Newman here? Can anyone confirm the existence of a mythically upbeat GenXer who rides local rail-trails with a backpack full of snacks and Capri Suns? I hear they’re pedaling tandem these days (I will believe it when I see it). Thank you, Carter in Wisshickon
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He tickled my fantasy, I buttered his bisquicks. We had too much of a good thing, and then no thing at all. Our relationship simply ran its corpse. JBS + KAG (5/13 – 8/21)

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LOST: ZEISS 20×60 Classic S Image Stabilization Binoculars, gone since 8/16/21, last used on Ainslie, near the EF train station. These are high magnification, high resolution, military-grade binoculars. I dropped them in a moment of necessary haste. Thank you! ~ Remmy

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CAT OWNERS: Neuter your cats and we won’t have to trap them and do it for you. Don’t be a fucking asshole. – Signed, TNR rescuers

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Found: wedding band that matches mine, apparently hidden in the glove compartment of my own husband’s car. Great, you’re back to your old tricks again, Neil. At least I’m not surprised this time. ~ Hannah’s Had It

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Guys in Philly dress for shit! There should be a public service program that sends East Coast guys to the West Coast so they can pick up some style tips, at least. Sheesh.  ~ Captain Marcie, Fashion Police (Gtown Division)

Hello Pennsylvania Constituents! Rep Scott Perry here. In the 2020 election, I made every attempt to throw your vote away and decide who PA’s electors would be. I’m continuing this attempt by trying to get an audit like the one in Arizona that’s destroying public confidence. Oh yea, also in case you didn’t hear – on January 6th, once the riot I helped incite calmed down, I refused to certify YOUR vote simply because I didn’t like how you voted. Why don’t you thank me by calling 202-225-5836? No Democrats please, I don’t care what you think!
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HUMANS & CANINES in need of socialization and/or exercise and/or something to do on Sundays: Please join East Falls neighbors for a relaxed, guided walk around through our area’s charming, tree-lined streets. The NW Philly Pack Walk meets 9:30 am every Sunday at McMichael Park, rain or shine. Kids welcome, no dog required!

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ألسلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته . دعواتنا ألصادقة لكم جميعا بدوام ألصحة وألعافية

~ @fpsjournal (translation)

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RIVER KIDS — Philadelphia City Rowing is a free youth program that gets Philly’s public school students out on the water for educational fun! Open to all 7 – 12 graders, includes FREE rowing plus healthy snacks, team uniforms, swimming instruction, and public transportation. Learn more philadelphiacityrowing.org.

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There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all.  – Ogden Nash, American poet  (1902- 1971)
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The ACES Veteran Museum welcomes all to their 18th Annual PATRIOT’S DAY ceremony and celebration on Sat SEPT 11 (noon – 6pm) in Vernon Park, Germantown. Food, fun, live DJ and more. FREE
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I’m buying sportscards! Baseball, football, basketball, hockey, Pokemon – non sports cards too. Call or text Dom 215-264-2200.
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Does anyone know of a GPS that will block Roosevelt Blvd? I already complained to Google a couple of years ago – they were very rude! Rand McNally explained that since it’s not designated as a highway the electronic robo maps cannot block it. I have big road maps but they’re a hassle to use. ~ Arlene, Living in Germantown

We hope you have enjoyed this Month’s MISSED CONNECTIONS!

Reply or place your own listing in one of three ways: 1) comment below 2) text 215-498-8874 or 3) email DrKarl@nwlocalpaper.com. If you are responding to an ad privately, please be as specific as possible so that Dr. Karl may properly assist. Thank you, my friend.

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About Karl Von Lichtenhollen 33 Articles
Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen is a doctor and fellow of the Applied Knowledges at Blödsinn Universität in Munich, Germany (1973). He was born and raised in the Nether Regions area of Holland, near Tainte, which he refers to fondly as a "Dutch Wonderland." Dr. Lichtenhollen once shared a houseboat in Amsterdam with the cast of a geriatric production of HAIR, inspiring his famous essay, "That Which I Cannot Unsee." He is a three-time recipient of the "Iron Feather" award. His hobbies include ascots, Highland wool sweaters and his pipe. He has a cat.

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