Missed Connections: AUGUST 2021

Carefully gathered, laundered, then hung out to wrinkle in the sweet breeze of Dr. Karl Von Litchenhollen. For your business — and pleasure. 

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DEVON: All I can remember is that you had us listening to the whole ‘’Nude on the Moon” B-52’s anthology on repeat til 4 in the morning. I have a vague sense of a strange-tasting tea…? Notes of lemon, hibiscus, and dirty underpants. What WAS that? And what happened in those hours of brilliant color and universal oneness that left me softly singing “Love Shack” to confused churchgoers in St. Bridget’s parking lot at 8am the next morning?  ~Just Curious

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#TRUTH: You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
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IF YOU ARE ASKING ME TO RE-HOME MY CAT, PLEASE SWIPE LEFT! I am shy and sometimes awkward in social settings until the 5th or 6th drink. I like the finer things in life and you can buy them for me. I am not looking for a penpal. Or a smoker.  ~ 🙌🏽 🐈 🐶  PS –  AirPods pro is the best purchase of 2021. Expensive but worth every goddamn cent!
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Art of Genomics
You were ahead of me in the vaccine line at CVS where we chatted on a Friday afternoon in late July. We share an interest in art, you are studying genomics (you’re too klutzy to be a surgeon, you joked). We agreed to meet at Hillside Tavern after for lunch, but on my way I saw my wife drive by in my mom’s car, so just in case she was tailing me, I went straight home like I was supposed to. Sorry. See you next shot?  ~Marv
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Now that I’ve thought about it, Sarah, no. Up until you, none of my  Lyft passengers had ever been, as you put it, “naked as the day they were born.” I saw everything, too. I really had no choice after you sat in my lap and grabbed the wheel. For a senior, you are very spry! But you still drive like an old lady so I’m just glad we got you home safe. Anyway, I’ll hang onto your clothes till September then they’re going to Goodwill. PS my dad says hi   ~Bill Williams, PhD.
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The Big One  Incredible. I’ve never seen one that big. Made my mouth water, I just had to wrap my lips around it and gobble it up as much as I possibly could without choking. Oh my god, was that giant Hershey bar great!  ~Catfish Cora
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Where’s Minnie?

Minnie is known as a polished professional who knows how to take care of herself. She presents to the public as feminine and ladylike, in exquisite dresses and jewelry. But she is aggressive when need be and not shy when it comes to scrapping. According to local blues musician Johnny Shoes, “Any men fool with her she’ll go for them right away. Guitar, pocket knife, stapler, keys, anything she get her hand on she’ll use it.” Minnie chews tobacco all the time, even while singing and eating, and always has a cup handy in case she needs to spit. I haven’t seen her in a few days since I pissed her off after the Imperfect gig. Sure, I’m a bit worried for my own safety, but I’m in love with Minnie. If you see her, please tell her Fred is sorry, and didn’t mean it. Make sure you approach her with caution though. And don’t make any sudden movements. Thanks everyone, Fred

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Travelers needed  I’m planning a trip to Tibet/the Himalayas in September and I need some companions. Preferably all male, fit, capable, under age 30, and personally appealing. I’ll need at least five of you to carry my stuff and let’s say three more to entertain me. In exchange, I can promise eternal life (in my memoirs). ~ The Duchess Minerva Constantine III  PS Owen Cunningham Wilson look-a-likes to the front of the line.

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Bunnies have lots of sex and we still think they’re cute and pure. Let’s treat women the same way.  @AuntieC

Guys playing guitar in McMichael Park, on the off chance you see this, your music brightened my day and turned it around. I’m sorry I didn’t stay (I’m agoraphobic). Listening to your music inspired me to write for the first time in over a year. Thank you. ~LD

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To Sandi my new friend on the J bus:  if no one has told you that every single thing in your closet has been out of style since 1992, I guess I will. I usually love vintage but you’re like all the worst trends together in one horrific fashion accident. Hope this helps. ~ Frannie (Zane agrees)

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At my funeral please take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next! Whoopie!!!! I hope it’s Vic!!! ~ Mean Marie

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Pizza Delivery Guy from Slices: Thank you for your discretion the other night. Just to clarify, I don’t really think that pile of laundry with a MAGA hat on it is my father, I just scream at it like it is when I’m by myself. It’s very therapeutic. ~ Ben on Queen

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K, I am deeply sorry for what happened. Not sure what to do: move on and try to forget you?
Cling to a faint hope of reconciliation? Either’s fine for me, with all due respect. Ours was no ordinary love, I have no designs on a conventional solution. ~S
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Artificial Intelligence 101: If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it, how bad can it be?

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ABOUT ME: I’m male, 155cm/42kg, blond/blue/blood type: O. I’ve never been married. I am the youngest of four siblings. Our parents got along. Growing up, I had piano lessons but switched to guitar when my brother was killed and I inherited his instrument. People tell me I have great penmanship, which some say indicates a great need to communicate. In my case, though, I think I just have strong and agile hands. That’s probably why I’m so good at guitar. That, and the grief.  ~ Kyle

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Summertime is Here! Need something to keep you cool? Banana pops, dixie cups (all flavors), push-ups too. Stop me when I’m passing by, usually around 11 o’clock. ~Your Ice Cream Man #guaranteedsatisfying
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Spit Shine Floor Service – Cleaning your home the old-fashioned way since 1988. Muff O’Donnell’s proprietary “lather and slather” process refreshes even the funkiest peat from the plushest of carpets. Works on bare surfaces too! Big or small I clean them all. Thorough, tenacious, high-endurance service above & beyond the typical service to which you are accustomed.  tonguewash.com

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FLY LIKE AN EAGLE
Hobbyist paraglider (27+ years) seeks local adventurers to join me in slightly unauthorized tandem urban night flights to & from undisclosed rooftops in Center City. Prepare for the most spectacular views of your life! Pretty sure we’ll make it lol!!! Hit me up at the fruit cart outside Coleman library. Ask for one of Rodney’s brochures (service is free while I work the kinks out).

Time Traveler  I can see the future! This is for my future partner: I will find you soon at Attic Brewery’s Sunday Market. We’ll reach for the same bar of artisanal soap, and you’ll know it’s me by the little shock you feel when our hands brush. Does it matter that I’m using a joy buzzer? Let’s talk about that over a delicious craft beer! I’m Mel and you’ll be pleased to meet me, I promise

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Leap of Faith: Jaime if we’re meant to be, you’ll read this here and take me up on my offer to see where this crazy connection takes us. You’re not my type, I’m not yours. But our lives keep colliding in delicious ways. We’re not getting any younger! Let’s roll the bones. I’ll be at Gabe’s till December. ~ Julius

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Ghosts or Vampires?  Which are sexier? Would you want I come to you as a ghost lover in an erotic dream? Or should I trap you in my hungry gaze and partake of you at my pleasure? Asking for a friend. ~Donna

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Seriously? Another gun show at the Philadelphia Expo Center? This one’s August 13 -15 (9am – 5pm). I feel like maybe we should protest. ~ Theresa
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RANDO QUESTION 4 THE FALLS: Hello I just saw this older lady buying a shit-ton of birdseed at Nouvaux Market, I think she literally bought every single bag. Is there like a bird sanctuary here or a lot of bird breeders..?? Is feed-grade millet trending for some reason…?  I feel as though this deserves an explanation. ~Brooke H, Winona
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There is no form of protest against racism or method of teaching about racism that will be palatable to racists. #NoLies

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Older Woman Golfing
I would love to find a woman 67+ to golf with from time to time, to get out of the city. Ideally you’ll have a car, a lot of money, and your husband is dead.  I’m a fair competitor and also excellent company: polite, well-read, agreeable and available at a moment’s notice. Let’s get out and hit the links! ~Your Grandson’s Friend Ashton #winkwink
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Attention: I just learned a group of people have been lying to me for the last 20 years, and involving themselves in my business in ways they did not want me to know. I’ve been controlled & manipulated but now everyone’s mad at me. Like I’m being a bad sport for not letting these weirdos ruin my life. As soon as my hair grows back I’m outta here!  ~ Awakening
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Let’s ease in, S. Let’s go slow with eyes and hearts wide open. I’m so confused by us, I don’t think either of us know what’s going on here. But it glows with a promise of something incredible and free. Your Linda
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Look Out for Jess Lynnd (a thief!)  My van got broke into and I didn’t have a bank account so I had my insurance money direct deposited into hers then she stole it from me. Cops say it’s a “civil matter” but I am going to press charges – my sister needs to learn her lesson! And stop picking on me!. Also she flunked out of community collage which I graduated from all because she couldn’t quit smoking weed. You see her driving around now in Doug Dingus’s blue Chevy Aveo. Watch out, she might hit you. Or worse – smoke all your weed.  ~Paulo Lynnd

Xitalu Hungers for YOU
I am Xitalu, I know all. Your thoughts, your movements, your words, all of your life’s decisions. So now I am finally here to devour your soul. Prepare yourself by cleansing in an Epsom bath for 3 – 5 minutes on the next full moon. After midnight, head down to the river; disrobe and don one of the white terrycloth sarongs I’ve put out under the bridges, with some scented candles. It’ll be fun!
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Lost Cadillac Sombrero Hubcap. Those are, like, $500 vintage hubcaps. And all four of mine just walked off from Conrad and Tilden. Lookit, I can’t be seen driving this cherry classic Caddy around Philly missing those hubcaps, y’understand? So I’m going to need you to find em and get em back to me ASAP. I don’t care who you are, but I care about when: ASAP. Do it. ~ Mitch the Stitch

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I miss the old days when billionaires’ vanity projects built public libraries, museums and music venues!
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Jacquelin, that’s your name! It’s so obvious, now that I can read the lettering on your big gold necklace. I like the way the polish has rubbed off to leave a greenish drop shadow on your otherwise unpigmented skin. Wrote a song about you but can’t decide if I should call it “Shabu Zealot” or “Big Mouth of the Avenue”.~ You can tell me what you think at Carnifalls. ~ Kendrick Dee
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FOUND : recently-used parachute at the corner of Schoolhouse and Morris. Also with the parachute, a fifth of Nemiroff, a David Sedaris book, three jars of face cream and a 2 ½ foot long Toblerone (half eaten). Anyone see anything suspicious? ~ CSI EF Town Watch


Lost bird, found ring
More shine, less sing.
Far out, near miss,
New phone, who dis?

— @ReggieRhymes71
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Life doesn’t hear your safeword, Dianne. You gotta suck it up and own the pain. You WILL come out of this stronger. You WILL accomplish your goals despite all obstacles. Sending Universal Love from within me. ~ Dianne
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Just passing through so Imma leave this here. Someone tell Tia on E. Collom St that her sister’s been asking for her. Time to let bygones be bygones. Before it’s too late.  ~Rev Samuel Blair
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**FREE** Complimentary Compliments to Complement Every Body. Whoever you are, you look fantastic! Let me count the ways! Send me your pics for the perfect pick-me-up. References upon request. @AppreciationCoalition

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Just a heads up. If your idea of fun includes letting some cute-but-freaky goth chick play dress-up with your doo-dads for a series of photos I can only describe as “indescribable,” then keep your eye out for Shellie. If not, she’s still cool to hang with but DO NOT follow her home.  #thatsmybunghole
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To the person who stole my kid’s formicarium from our porch on Indian Queen and then returned it with all the red harvesters replaced with carpenters: why? Also, how?  ~Janice

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Deb, I feel terrible. You debated with yourself about cheese crystals, I ignored you, wish I didn’t I’m sorry. It was an important piece of self-discovery for you, and I was completely insensitive to your needs. I was too focused on my stomach to see what you were going through. I’ll make it up to you, we can go to DiBruno Bros and spend the whole day. It’ll be all about you this time. – Manchego, My Heart

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Lost Inflatable Pool Toy  BUTCH, I TOLD YOU  the river landing wasn’t ready but you went and filled my jumbo flamingo floatie with Natty Light, didn’t ya? Launched yourself into the Schuylkill from that muddy riverbank with no thought about how you’d get back up when it’s dark and you’re drunk and your wife is just about fed up enough to let you drown out there. You better hope some kind soul sees & returns my inflatable before Tuckerton or you’re out $150, buddy. Thank you everyone else — Honey

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The best people possess a feeling for beauty, the courage to take risks, the discipline to tell the truth, the capacity for sacrifice. Ironically, their virtues make them vulnerable; they are often wounded, sometimes destroyed. -Ernest Hemingway (1899-1961)

Grand Opening!! The East Falls Poison Shoppe
Potions, Tinctures and Brews that mimic historically lethal edibles like hemlock, oleander, arsenic, and more, safe for human consumption. Perfectly harmless but thoroughly realistic. Authentic packaging could easily be mistaken for the real thing – and vice versa. What could go wrong? @East Falls Poison Shoppe: “Poison replicas are our business, what you do with them is yours.”

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Why do people get upset over bagged dog poo being dropped in their trash can? Trash collectors deal with some of the nastiest stuff around. I don’t think they care about bagged dog shit. What kind of person micro-manages their garbage cans? Once it’s out I’m done. Are you that childish and petty that even your trash is YOUR trash and you must guard the refuse at all cost!  “Mine! No one touch it! My trash is the best trash of all the trash!” Gtfoh ~ Brett S

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Things you only see in Philly #7261: dude just drove down Rhawn Street in his fully restored and tricked out (complete with giant speakers in the back blasting music)… Geo Tracker. I’m dead! @Jikosaseh

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Yo, I think someone’s car on Calumet just repossessed. I’ve never seen that happen before. A tow truck literally came like a thief in the night. It’s 11pm! I guess someone’s car might be getting towed for repairs but I think it’s pretty late for that, don’t you?  — Dene M.

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Hey everyone it’s too late for me but I’m posting this in case I can save just one person from learning the hard way: If you’re at a bar and someone wants to buy you a “Jersey Turnpike” – say no. ~Babs
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Annie, you’re right, I was outta line to make that “apocalisp” joke when I know you’re sensitive about your speech impediment. I’ll do better. ~Uncle Ron  PS:  fwiw, you hardly notith it.
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Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them. -James Baldwin, writer (2 Aug 1924-1987)

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ANSWERS PLEASE: I first saw you on the wall at the bottom of Midvale, reading a book about catching catfish with hypnosis. Days later, you were lugging a cooler down Ridge Avenue towards the bus station. I wish I’d stopped to ask you if it was full of catfish you compelled, Svengali-like, into your waiting net. Is that even possible? It’s driving me crazy. Hope I see you again soon!  ~Greg S.

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Sonora, I’m not good on trust. I mean, I thought I was but this vaccine thing changes everything. I know you want me to trust that you know your body and you have your own immunity and whatever. But all I hear is that you are willfully helping proliferate variants that could kill us all.  I know we’ve had 6+ awesome years but your abject selfishness ruins everything. Please drop the ring off at my mom’s.  ~ Jeremy
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Pinks, purples, reds. Silk and spreads. Scented, flushed and juiced for action. Onto sleepy satisfaction. Look me up, I’ll hook you up. I have lots of girl friends, they say this is very romantic. ~ D.D. in Sherman Mills

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I’m so confused. I was listening to Beck’s Midnight Vultures album and I remembered my ex-girlfriend liked to put this on when we got busy and then I started to get turned on which made me mad because she’s a horrible person. Very frustrating!! ~ Gavin on Homer St.
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NOTICE: When I die I give everyone permission to use my death for personal gain. Even if you never knew me. When I kick it, you go and tell your boss a good friend died and take a day for you. That one’s on me!  ~ Tessa P. Glenn, Westmoreland St.

Thank you for reading this Month’s MISSED CONNECTIONS.

Reply or place your own listing in one of three ways: 1) comment below 2) text 215-498-8874 or 3) email DrKarl@nwlocalpaper.com. If you are responding to an ad privately, please be as specific as possible so that Dr. Karl may properly assist. Thank you, my friend.

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About Karl Von Lichtenhollen 33 Articles
Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen is a doctor and fellow of the Applied Knowledges at Blödsinn Universität in Munich, Germany (1973). He was born and raised in the Nether Regions area of Holland, near Tainte, which he refers to fondly as a "Dutch Wonderland." Dr. Lichtenhollen once shared a houseboat in Amsterdam with the cast of a geriatric production of HAIR, inspiring his famous essay, "That Which I Cannot Unsee." He is a three-time recipient of the "Iron Feather" award. His hobbies include ascots, Highland wool sweaters and his pipe. He has a cat.

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