Missed Connections: JULY 2021

Collected from the frothiest feeds, liberally spiced and offered with aplomb for your bemusement and edification by Dr. Karl von Lichtenhollen 

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Fermentation Farmers Market
Second Saturdays at Historic Rittenhousetown
Fermented foods & beverages by local artisans:
kimchi, kombucha, mead, coffee, chocolate, bread, beer and beyond
Noon – 4PM, now thru November
rittenhousetown.org

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True Story: there are bugs that are, literally, split down the middle, half male and half female. Worms and snails that have both sets of genitalia. Fish that just up and switch sexes when there’s a male or female space in their group that needs filling. And you want me to believe that God hates all sorts of gender-bending in His children? I think you need to take a better look at God’s creation!  #itsanonbinaryworldafterall

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YO EVERYONE! If you own a white Nissan Frontier parked on 3400 Vaux, a tree just fell on it! I just saw it go BOOM! Your cab and bed are all dented now. Bummer. – George

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SNEAKER MADNESS 
The biggest sneaker convention in the Tri-State area!
15,00 SQ FT of athletic footwear
BUY – SELL – TRADE
Kenstarrrz will be hosting!!!!
Also 60+ vintage clothing vendors on-site
July 31, 11am – 6pm
Oaks Convention Center

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Yo, anyone on the 3200’s of Cresson have a security camera pointed on the street? I’d like to see footage from Wednesday June 30th around 11:30 am. My husband swears he walked to NouVaux Market but I’m pretty sure he was seeing his whore. – Marjorie F.

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Roses are red
Violets are blue
Cindy Bass got paid
And we’re all screwed.
— E. Green, Living in Germantown

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Hey neighbors we are moving and have some useful things for sale: dishes, flatware, kids toys, monkeys paw, assorted lamps and amulets, table saw, table salt, salt water taffy jar, and a nude portrait of Ernest Borgnine that I’m not sure I can part with. Maybe for the right home. Hmu, I’m Liliana on School House.

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Join us for a Storywalk with Goats
SAT JULY 24, 10am – 11am
Andorra Branch of the Free Library
Come along with miniature goats Anthony, Bebito & Ivy for a storywalk around the library. All ages. Bring water, wear sunblock. (Rain Date 7/31) FREE

Keep Kool….  WE NOW HAVE DAIRY-FREE SMOOTHIES!
Strawberry, Mango-Berry, Banana-Apple-Kiwi, Tropical, and Green
Fruit salad & cupcakes, too. Two locations, Gtown/Southwest
FRIDAY-SUNDAY $5 Delivery with a $30 minimum. Free Pickup (Gtown & Southwest) Instagram @HayleyAndCali  #BlackGirlMagic

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Tengo grandes noticias! There’s an El Limon on Cityline now and they have FREE margaritas when you dine in. PS their dancefloor is so small, it’s almost like they don’t even have one. — Lori H.

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GEE WALLY… if most Antifa and BLM activists were really behind the January 6th attack on the Capitol, then why did they oppose a Commission to investigate it?  #somebullshit

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Anyone available this month who wants to earn a few bucks doing mail and package collection for several local offices and establishments? No experience necessary. ESL preferred.  — Mr. B

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You were going west on Ridge. When I first saw you, it was in the left turning lane to Cathedral. Then suddenly you bolted straight thru the intersection –  no signal, no flashers, no warning. So, yes, I pegged your Benz with a cookie and then filmed you pulling over to scream at me. You’re an idiot. Who gets that mad over a cookie?  J.Z.

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To the people who keep sharing pics of my tuxedo cat on the East Falls Lost/Found Pets page: I assure you, Mr. Mittens is neither lost nor a stray. He most certainly has a home with us! Normally he does not leave our porch but now y’all are teaching him that if he stands on the sidewalk long enough, he’ll be taken in and fed until someone tags me on Facebook. He’s getting fat. Please stop. – Jennifer on New Queen

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Artsy Fartsy Feelin’ Fine
Support the restoration of the former Swain Building, now Germantown Art Haus. Every other Saturday we host high-energy flea market fundraisers with LOTS of original art & special gems salvaged from this historic property. Everything for sale (for a price)! 100% of proceeds stay on-site to create a community hub with heart and soul. Upcoming Saturdays:   7/10 | 7/24

Thank You, East Falls!
We are grateful for all of our final goodbyes. Thanks to you it’s been a great ride!!  #teamtrolley #trolleycarcafe (CLOSED JUNE 30, 2021)

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Rando Question for the room:  I’m wondering why so many trucks keep going down Scotts Lane & getting stuck in that low train bridge. I’m over by Sherman Mills and this happens all the time. Wtf? – Christina B.

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Every Olympic event should include one average person competing for reference.  @BillMurray

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I know this probably sounds weird but I’m looking for a feline optician, ie, someone who can fit my cat with glasses. Don’t worry, I don’t think he needs prescription lenses, just something that can filter the light a little and make him look smart. Serious replies only, thanks. – Oscar’s Mommy

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My name is Tarik Khan, I’m a frontline nurse and I’m challenging Pam Delissio for State Representative of PA’s 194th district. Read more about my forward-thinking plans to transform our broken system. tarikforPA.com  @TarikforPA

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Rando Answer for Christina B: My guess for Scotts Lane is because they are using a GPS set for car travel instead of truck. – Bill G.

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REWARD! It’s a shot in the dark but I lost my Amex card somewhere between The Dark Squirrel and East Falls’ train station. It’s Gold with the number 3424 709846 10119  on the front and a little square with “valid thru 12/22.” Please email tylermiller71@gmail.com if you find it. Thanks!

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Sorry to tell you there are hundreds of Indigenous children are buried in “unmarked” graves at various Catholic boarding schools in North America, including one not far away at all in Carlisle, PA where 180 bodies have been found as of June 2021. This is just a glimpse at the horrors the Original People of this Land have endured at the hands of white people promoting “American values.” Much more to come, unfortunately. This isn’t over.   — Cassie Rose

Make It a Musical Summer! Lessons available: Guitar – Bass – Songwriting – Music Theory & Technology. I am a graduate of Berklee College of Music looking to take on new students of all levels, in all genres of music. I live in East Falls, you can come here or I can go to you (virtual also available). Call/ text/ or email if interested 🙂 cjmillermusic.composer@gmail.com 732-995-1183.

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Hey neighbors, my son and his friend were riding bikes along the 3300 block of Cresson St (across from the train station) and a random person approached his friend, pushed him off his bike and threw the bike against a wall/fence. The bike is in pieces now. This is alarming that someone would do that to an 11 year old.  If anyone witnessed this or has security video or anything, please PM me. Thanks!  — Amy H.

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If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas because that’s what He’s getting.  @DeepThoughts

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Looking for recommendations for someone to take out an ancient air conditioner at my parents’ house and kill the nest of rats that’s been terrorizing them. It’s very heavy and the rats are super aggressive. Thanks! – Sarah on Haywood

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FREE KIDS SOCCER
July 12 – Aug 28
100 E. Johnson St (19144)
Wednesdays:
Ages 4 – 5,  6pm – 7pm
Ages 6 – 8, 7pm – 8 pm
Saturdays:
Ages 4 – 5,  9am – 10am
Ages 6 – 8, 10am – 11am
Register @CityAthleticsPhilly.com
215-409-8060

SMILE… it’s free dental care!
CCP’s Dental Hygiene Program provides free teeth cleaning Monday thru Friday, includes examinations & x-rays (also free of charge). Dental students provide care under close supervision of a registered dentist and hygienist. Call/text 267-777-9281 to make an appt or email rander47@student.ccp.edu No Insurance Needed! Know someone who needs a cleaning? Send them along to CCP 🤓🦷  Main Campus, 1700 Spring Garden

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Stop making comparisons! The only person you should be competing with is your past self. Which shouldn’t be too hard b/c you were a train wreck for a reallllly long time!  @AuntieC

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East Falls Alert: two boys ages maybe 8 or 9 were on the train bridge over Midvale (the station side) dropping stuff off. I yelled from my car to cut it out and they ran way. One was on a razor scooter with a blue helmet. Be careful! Also if these are your kids please stop them before someone gets hurt. – B.D.

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Is anyone looking for a roommate starting October 1st? I’m very quiet & clean, no pets or bad habits. Let me know if you’re deathly allergic to scorpions though, because I’m an entomologist and sometimes I (unintentionally) take my work home with me (they’re sneaky little suckers) – Lauren E.

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Tyler Barton! I found your COVID vax card at my apartment complex in East Falls. If you know him or are him, lemme know how I can get it back to him. Also good job getting vaccinated, Tyler!  — Abigail S

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Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept something your mind already knows. — Paolo Coelho @agreatmama

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Delivery is BACK, baby! Attic Brewing Company delivers to your door on select Thursdays 3-7. Orders over $50 free in the greater Philadelphia area. atticbrewing.com/order-beer

Business Alert: Tavani Academy of Performing Arts is opening up for new enrollments! We offer piano & voice lessons in your own home, at your convenience (our staff is fully vaccinated). Tavaniacademypa.com 267-225-7637

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Yes, fellow citizens! I too learn all my history from statues. People used to be green and large, and male. Most of them sat on horses, who were very mad. Everyone had bird shit on them. People liked swords! #themoreyouknow

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Whoops I lost a light blue scrunchie somewhere between McMichael Park and the Queen Lane train station. Has anyone seen it? Was there a lot of blonde hair in it? Do you think I’m losing my hair? Sometimes it’s like, is my part weird? Is that a bald spot?    – Gabbie G.  #edibles @beyondhello 

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Never Forget that Derek Chauvin is in prison today not because the legal system works but because Darnella Frazier captured video that prevented the city of Minneapolis from engaging in a cover up. #pulitzer

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Hello all! I have a water ice stand on Chew and Johnson, I’m usually outside around 3pm, it’s getting hot out so I might shift my hours a little later. Hope to see you this summer. — Mary Williams

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Things That Make You Go Hmmmm: In reality, plants are actually farming us, by giving us oxygen daily until we all eventually decompose so they can consume up. Right? @GermantownKitchenGarden

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LOCAL BIZ REQUEST: I’m looking for a house cleaner to do a deep cleaning of our living room carpet, especially the spots where my shitty boyfriend puked up the half gallon of blue raspberry margaritas he drank straight from the blender because he was trying to impress his stupid ex girlfriend. I’m also looking for a new boyfriend.  — Sandy G in Dobson Mills

AGGRESSIVE DOG! I couldn’t tell you if he’s a puggle or a Boston terrier or what but he’s a nasty little thing and he’s often seen running around off-leash in the streets near Murphy’s. He snaps at everyone. I saw him bite a friendly Great Dane puppy by the lip and make him scream. Fuck this demon dog. I mean it.  – Dan Y.

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Material Pickups are Back at the Falls Library! You can now place items on hold via freelibrary.org to pick up locally on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Call 215-685-2093 to schedule.

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EF BIKE STOLEN mid-3400 Ainslie:  Someone just came on our porch and took my son’s silver DBX bike. It’s not the cost it’s the fact that my son just learned to ride it. Thanks, Brian.

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Seeking Help! So sad, someone along the 3500 block of Calumet has had an “accident” on my porch step every other night (at least!) since May. Obviously I don’t know their diet but I’m concerned this could be more than IBD. Has anyone seen or heard anything? Can y’all check your Ring cameras? I’d leave out some Pepto but the squirrels’ll get it.  – Kathy H.

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Olé, Olé, Olé! East Falls Pickup Soccer (Coed)
East Falls neighbors meet weekly for a friendly pick-up soccer game. To learn more, join the FB group.

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Free Futon, First Come First Served. It’s outside my house on Maplewood. Dude from Marketplace said he’d take it last night then never showed so it’s still there. It’s a good futon, rust, wide wale corduroy; that smell will not be a problem in a well-ventilated room.  #lactoseintolerance

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Summertime and the Park is Fine for Yoga in the Falls!  $15 drop-ins in lovely McMichael Park (Henry & Midvale) Tuesdays + Thursdays 6:30pm ☀️ Beginners and all are welcome. ❤ Mishana Yoga & Wellness

This is NOT the park! (Rooftop Yoga resumes this fall)
Photo credit: Joe Joseph @EastFallsRants on FB

Question for the Group: When you do donuts in the parking lot at the Fox Street ShopRite, is it better to do it before or after you shop? Going down there today to light it up a bit and concerned about spilling my groceries all over the place if it’s after my shopping, but also don’t want to burn a bunch of rubber and immediately shut down the car and possibly overheat it while I shop. Thoughts?  – J. Joseph

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Mike M. asked a question in Have an East Falls Life, folks:

Anyone have experience turning an unfinished basement (concrete floors, bare ceilings) into an Airbnb using fake plants, carpet remnants and room dividers from Ikea? My wife says I’m crazy but I think we’re sitting on a goldmine.

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LAWN CARE:  Hello my name is Taij and I’m 12 years old. I provide lawn care including small tree removals & other bigger jobs with my dad. I bring my own equipment & remove all debris. Also I can do demo & junk-clearing. Text photos of your lawn/project to 215-558-0686 & I will get right back with my free estimate. Follow me on Insta @Taijmagnum

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Attention! I just saw someone walking down the street minding their own business IN BROAD DAYLIGHT!!! Who do I report this to? Stephanie J. #GTComplaintsdept

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SKILLS PAY BILLS WORKSHOPS presented by True Light Fellowship Church. Learn basic skills for household repairs & renovations. Meets 1st & 3rd Saturdays, 10am 6400 Ardleigh St, 19119 Call Tyrone Baker 267-259-5449 Tyronebaker765@gmail.com Put down the gun, pick up a tool!

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Next time someone says “let me just play Devil’s advocate” to me imma just be like “No, for real, let’s summon him!” and I’ll start chanting and rolling my eyes back. Maybe growl a little. Bet they’ll never say that again to me.  #yourmomsewssockthatsmell

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Do we live in Germantown or Kabul? These extremely loud explosions really need to stop. How obsessed can you really be with fireworks? Grow up!   — Mr. Hickman

Bird Alert! A dangerous new disease affecting songbird fledglings & juveniles in DC, MD, VA and now southeastern PA is stumping wildlife researchers. Please consider taking down your birdfeeder to help slow the spread while biologists try to find out what’s going on (or at least make sure you’re disinfecting regularly).

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In Case You’re Not Aware – crime will continue rising in our neighborhood because they need to buy it out at the lowest possible price. So the cops will not come, the streets won’t be cleaned, the graffiti won’t be removed until their people live here.  And y’all are just going to keep bitching and never unify.  — Aliesha D.

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I want a Viking funeral but will likely never be able to afford a mighty ship so just push me out to sea on a unicorn floaty and maybe stick a sparkler in my butt, idk.  @OldNorseNancy

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The commissioner fails to protect
The inspector won’t even inspect
All passing the buck
They don’t give a f*ck
And the zoning gets Philly all wrecked.
— Ann P, Living in Germantown

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Think luxury skincare couldn’t possibly get more extra? Introducing Oxygen HydraFacial for reduced lines and wrinkles, antiaging, extraction, and more. One of a host of professional treatments available, all genders welcome. By appointment only. 326 W. Chelten Ave (private suite), 19144 @makeupbytoni215

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FREE CONCERT SERIES:
Artcinia & Partners for Sacred Places presents

Sun JUL 11: Renee Richardson, soprano/Ting Ting Wong, piano
Sun JUL 25: Philadelphia Camerata
Sun AUG 8: Pyxis Piano Trio
Performances start 3PM, reception to follow

First Presbyterian Church in Germantown
35 W. Chelten Ave, 19144
artcinia.com

Shop with Us at the Market Place:
Saturdays 9AM – 5PM
Provision of Grace World Mission Church
1950 W. Rockland Street, 19141 (map)
Vendors, contact Caroline @ 267-266-2310
Support small business & help feed the neighborhood!

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Rando Question for Living in Germantown: I’ve got to ask: does anyone know why cars are almost always pulled over in front of the bus stop at Vernon park on Greene St? I’ve noticed it in the evening and thought maybe they’re waiting to meet people coming off the bus? But then I noticed them during the day, too. Anyone? – Wanda W.

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The Astley Paradox: If you ask Rick Astley for his copy of the movie UP, he cannot give it to you as he will never give you up. However, in doing so, he lets you down. #mindblown

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There is a man that rides a bright yellow tricycle down Wayne Avenue. A bright yellow tricycle. No handlebars, it’s a specially-made seat structured like a 3-wheeled unicycle. He cycles up and down, his legs pumping away on the pedals while his torso remains straight and still. Sometimes he’s got his tunes going. Twice I’ve seen him with an infant in his arms, chatting with her all the way. I love Germantown.  Miss Price

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We can’t have real conversations about gun violence without addressing the trauma young people have gone through. We have an entire generation who see no future. No matter how hard they work, most will never get ahead unless this system changes. They’re not stupid, they can see this country is failing them. More policing is not the answer.   – Susan M.

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FIX THAT KITTY!! Free clinic every Weds in July Book your appointment now thru Spayed Club Veterinary in Sharon Hill.  Catadelphia.org/freefix

Plants & Produce at Grumblethorpe’s youth-run farm stand on the historic grounds of the Wister family home. Saturdays 9:30am – 1:30pm 5267 Germantown Ave (at Queen Lane)

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LOST: 1960’s Concert Grand Piano, black satin, from our back parlor. We’ve just been piling boxes of paperwork and stuff on it all these years and just assumed it was still under there. Then the other day we tried to clear it off for once and discovered it was gone! Who knows when it disappeared or who took it? Let us know if you see it please.  – Jennie and Evelyn, Tulpehocken

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Word: You know you’re from Philly if you say “Tap Mac” instead of “hit an ATM.”  #OGcashmachine

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Whoa I just almost got run down outta nowhere on Wayne Ave by a blonde woman on electric wheelchair. She was standing on the seat, like she was surfing down the sidewalk! Going pretty fast too, good thing I jumped. Anyway, be careful.  —  Anaia D.

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Rando Answer for Wanda: They’re delivery drivers for Go Puff, which has a distribution center there.

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Shoe Drive! Fundraiser! Festival!

Come out & join us on July 10th for this Fun Filled Impactful Community Event from 4pm -8pm. Vendors, workshops, Kid Zone, magic show, line dancing, dj, raffles and more. Truth Church, 7970 State Road, 19136  #shoeusthelove #antibullying

WKDU Philadelphia presents:
The Black Experience in Music
***50th Reunion***
Live Broadcasts:
Sunday July 11 (midnight to midnight)
Saturday July 17 (4pm to midnight)
Music & commentary from 1971 to 2021
Stream or listen live 91.7 FM

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Christian leaders stand on Indian soil and claim “gay marriage” never occurred here. FACT: 130+ tribes performed same-sex marriages for hundreds of years. These individuals were called “two spirit people” and were considered sacred.  #knowyourhistory

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HOT TIP:  There’s a family that sells food off Wayne and Chelten across from Victor’s Tavern. Wings was slappin!!! Potato salad on point. Shrimp kabob and sausage. Imma be back next week. Support them if you can! They sell platters Thurs – Saturday   — Ms Beaverhousen

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**It’s the 90’s vs the 2000’s**
Pop-Up Shop & Open Mic
at the Majestic Ballroom
800 W Olney Ave

SAT JULY 10
7PM – 1AM
Special Guests, Cash Prizes
Vendor slots available 267-597-9787

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Asking For a Friend: How common is it to find teeth when you dig the basement in a historic house? What if they look human? Is there a protocol? @JumpStartGermantown   #sumppumpsurprise

Thank you for reading this Month’s MISSED CONNECTIONS.

Reply or place your own listing in one of three ways: 1) comment below 2) text 215-498-8874 or 3) email DrKarl@nwlocalpaper.com. If you are responding to an ad privately, please be as specific as possible so that Dr. Karl may properly assist. Thank you, my friend.

Click Here for Last Month’s Missed Connections! 

About Karl Von Lichtenhollen 34 Articles
Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen is a doctor and fellow of the Applied Knowledges at Blödsinn Universität in Munich, Germany (1973). He was born and raised in the Nether Regions area of Holland, near Tainte, which he refers to fondly as a "Dutch Wonderland." Dr. Lichtenhollen once shared a houseboat in Amsterdam with the cast of a geriatric production of HAIR, inspiring his famous essay, "That Which I Cannot Unsee." He is a three-time recipient of the "Iron Feather" award. His hobbies include ascots, Highland wool sweaters and his pipe. He has a cat.

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