Missed Connections: May 2020


As Pennsylvania aims to begin “phased reopening” on some counties this May, Philadelphia and the surrounding region remains under stay-at-home restrictions indefinitely, with a tentative new target date of June 4th. 

For the latest information, please refer to Pennyslivania’s posted schedule and the City’s website where you can find local COVID-19 resources including testing/healthcare and financial relief.  

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Hey dickhead dogwalker on MLK – nice job with the 20 foot flexi! Were you deliberately trying to clothesline bikers or did you not even notice all of us screaming and careening out of your way?  I hate you.  – Jared

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Ok Cupid & Devil Makes Three
Monkey_Joe, I found your profile weeks years ago, and was quite intrigued. You gave your favorite band as Kerfüffle and everything else in your description spoke to me. Especially that pic you took in your bathroom mirror. I can tell by your lats that you deserve love and happiness. But your gluts seem to suggest you’re just looking for a good time. Whichever it is, call me.    ~GiGi_6969

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Kummerspeck (German): Excess weight gained from emotional overeating. Literally “grief bacon.”

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Hey Brunhilda. I don’t care if they’re Healing Bowls or f-ing Helium Balls, shut them up and stop rubbing them inappropriately with soft mallets. That single, monogamous tone rustles through every thing. Woooooooo-oooooo-o-o-oooooooo-Wooo. Then with the  f-ing incense. No matter which “scent” you’re burning, smells like ass. Like a big cloud of subway ass all over the apartment. Jesus. And your stupid salt lamps everywhere, but I still can’t read a goddamn book in this light. What’s this supposed to be, campfire? Are we living in a cave?  I know we’re quarantined and all but GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!!! ~Counting the Days

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For Your Information, Nancy!!! My husband works for a Property Recovery company and they have a fake dating account to lure bad payers (like you and your ilk) out on dates – then their Repo crew grabs your car when you show up.  He wasn’t cheating on me, it was just his turn to go out on the date. Stop spreading lies when you don’t know what’s going on. You sound stupid!!! – Theresa

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To everyone saying American won’t reopen strong: Jurassic Park reopened FIVE TIMES after people were eaten alive. Five. Times.

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Kurt Cobain was right – we ARE stupid and contagious!! – Dave G.

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To the person who intentionally ripped out our flower border fencing overnight…why? Why ruin my property? I’m trying to protect a bunch of flower seedlings that will bring a lot of joy to the neighborhood, so why assault my property like that?

I used to absolutely love this neighborhood.  – Meg in Wissahickon

I’m a she-cat tamed by the purr of a Jaguar. I’m a spy, but on your side you see. What I want, you’ve got, and it might be too hard to handle. No, I can’t go for that. I’ve gone too far, cause you know it don’t matter anyway.  Call me please!!!!  719-266-2837   ~S. Smilze

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ALERT! The coronavirus can be spread through money!

IF YOU HAVE MONEY AT HOME: don’t panic. Put it all into a plastic bag and place on doorstep. I’m part of a special City hazmat service, and I’ll be collecting the potentially infectious currency to be replaced with newly-minted notes via USPS in 6 to 8 weeks. IMPORTANT: The virus does not spread though coins, so keep those. Thanks.

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Hey! Someone annihilated my car last night at IQL & Krail. Didn’t stop, no note or anything. If anyone sees a blue mini van around with substantial damage please let me know  (probably Dodge Caravan, Chrysler Town & Country or maybe Toyota Sienna).  – Michael S.

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Time to remember some good voting advice: Voting isn’t marriage, it’s public transport. You are not waiting for “the one” who is perfect. You are getting the bus. And if there isn’t one going exactly to your destination, you don’t stay home and sulk. You take the one going closest to where you want to be.

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WTF! Y’all are acting like you’ve never seen a 73 year old drug addict wearing Depends and a dead ferret on his head stand at the White House podium and tell Americans to drink bleach and shine a light up their butts to kill a virus, six weeks into a global pandemic, before. Just chill.  – Jason, class of ‘89

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Regarding The Mange Fox,

Now this is for the girls, the boys, and whatever you want to identify as, man. You can picture The Mange Fox however you want, baby. Cause that’s your business. But MY Mange Fox usually has a specific route they take everyday. I’ve been in touch with a wild life rehabilitation center and I’m trying to nail down his routine. I need to know where he goes before I can do the egg medicine trick. So any sightings would be helpful! Thanks!  ~Scully

TIME WASTER: Find the 39 Beatles songs represented in this image.

Turns out a major component every zombie movie was missing was a large contingent of people just straight-up refusing to admit that a zombie apocalypse was happening. Huh.

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Germantown Kitchen Garden’s Online Store is OPEN!

Veggie & herb seedlings, perennials, annuals, shrubs/vines/trees – even seeds & gardening supplies. NO CONTACT on-site pickups (choose pickup time at checkout).

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I hope they give us a two-week notice before sending us all back into the world. I think we need to time to become ourselves again. And by “ourselves” I mean lose 10 pounds, cut our hair and get used to not drinking at 9am.

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There are two ways to be fooled. One is to believe what isn’t true. The other is to refuse to accept what is true. — Soren Kierkegaard

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WHERE IS EVERYONE?  East Falls Rants Page has over 3,600 members and is a great source for all kinds of community information — from rants & raves to local resources and support which can be a real lifeline in these days of crisis. Free and public. Stay connected to your neighbors for safety and peace of mind.

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After spending the last month hanging out with myself, gotta say I am SO SORRY to every person I have ever spent time with. Yikes.   – Carolyn F.

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The Sun is not cancelled.
Spring is not cancelled.
Love is not cancelled.
Reading is not cancelled.
Devotion is not cancelled.
Music is not cancelled.|
Imagination is not cancelled.
Communication is not cancelled.
Hope is not cancelled.
— The Management

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To all my new friends in Gtown and East Falls! I don’t usually play these games but we’re quarantined and I’m bored. It will be interesting to learn about some of you. Just fill in the blanks!

Bank account number:
Routing number:
Card number:
Name on card:
Expiration date:
Mother’s maiden name:
Favorite pet:

Thanks, Jimmy


Our sheltering together for six weeks without Mrs has not been easy. Our truce did not hold up well, my furry frenemy. I’m writing to let you know that Karen the pet sitter has agreed to help us mediate our grievances. She’ll be Skyping us in for a session next Tuesday at 3:40 am, since that’s apparently the best time of the day for you. Actually, I’ve scheduled a few minutes earlier, to give myself time to catch you before you pee on my slippers. Indeed I am looking forward to addressing your spiteful urination habits with Karen, and also there’s a lot of trauma too we must work through. For instance, yes we took your balls but that’s no excuse to attack without warning when you were purring just a second ago. Let’s agree that we are both deeply injured parties and establish some ground rules for peaceful existence.  Here are your login credentials for the session:

UN: ExcelsiorIsEvilIncarnate
PW: IhateYouExcelsiorYouFurrylittleBastard123*

Looking forward to resolving our issues civilly.  – Alex

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That’s it, folks. I am done with homeschooling. We are switching to trade school. And all three of mine are going to be bartenders.  – Meg N.
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Lance, I am mystified and quite impressed by how you can talk for hours about historic locomotives – the machines, the routes, the companies who owned them and all the other businesses they owned and supported from town to town…. Honestly, it’s like a whole other world that I have zero interest in but it’s obviously important to you so I guess I will continue trying to look like I am paying attention. If you see this, I hope you appreciate the effort. (Lemme know if I can stop.) Thanks, babe.  ~Rizzo

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You know who’s gay? Paul the real estate novelist who never had time for a wife. Also, Davey who’s still in the Navy and probably will be for life. Come to think, everyone in that song is gay except the Piano Man, who has no idea he’s playing at a gay bar and the staff and regulars have a betting pool on how long he’ll take to finally figure it out. (So far, John is ahead). PS this makes the line “Man what are you doing here” way funnier.   – Elton J.

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Seeking a Taste Sensation?
Try beaver! Pennsylvania – indeed, NW Philly in particular – is known for its sweet, succulent beaver. Delicious with a squeeze of lemon till the juice runs down your leg or breast or meaty thigh. All parts are a treat to eat, just gently pull back their furry coat and heat as desired. Breadsticks? Sure, they’re fun to dip but sometimes the best side for hot beaver is… more beaver! Amiright? Thoughts, anyone?  ~Mrs. Ritzman

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When this is over, I never want to hear the words “pro-life” used to describe anyone who argued that we should kill grandma to prevent the economy from suffering.  – Ian M.

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Sorry Mr. G but contrary to what you posted on Nextdoor, that was not a large dog taking a shit on Bowman street but an ALPACA, thank you. To be specific, a fawn Huacaya alpaca named Mortimer, who is visiting from Georgia where my ex still lives (we have shared custody). Also, he wasn’t on some random lawn, but in front of my house! You would’ve known that if you’d have come over to say hello instead shaming me on a public message board. No wool for you this Christmas, buster!!  — Cammie

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Sure we all fantasize about riffling through other people’s clothes when they pop out of the laundromat with their loads still in the dryer. “They’ll only be gone a few minutes” we tell ourselves, then “It’ll only take a few minutes.” I don’t know why they always look so surprised. Or how they can be so down on us, when they’re the ones with the skid marks.  ~  Big G

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It was a sleepless night in May 1993.
2am never felt so lonely. Even with her lying next to me. It was 2:17am when all the pieces suddenly came together at once. The only thing left to do was ask her the question. I said it really, really loud, to wake her up.
Her: It’s 2:30 in the morning!
Me: No it’s 2:21 but do you love him?
2:23am never sounded so silent.  I guess she went back to sleep (I sure didn’t).
Next day I gathered all my vinyl, put it back in the stolen milk crate next to the turntable, and split.
Since then what keeps me up at night is not her betrayal, but my own inability to fight for the life we had built together. If I get another shot, I won’t make that mistake again.  – Jack of Hearts

EF Farmers Market — Shopping so safe, it’s legendary!

EAST FALLS FARMER’S MARKET – shop meats, cheeses, produce and more online for Saturday pickup (11am – 1pm under the Twin Bridges). WHYY says open-air farmers markets are one of our safest options for grocery shopping these days. Order now! Eastfallsfarmersmarket.com

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I tried to do a little plop
But when I started, couldn’t stop.
Now every toilet on this train
Is clogged with all my poop again.

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Et al, I, really, it’s hard to explain but the whole bitter break up seemed to fundamentally change my outlook on romantic partnerships, leaving me with pessimistic views about the fundamental nature of relationships. To me, this separation was like opening Pandora’s Box, and concepts like love and trust became fantasies that never really existed. DO they exist?   ~Super Jade
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Tony, darling, of course my flirtatious mind misses your titillating emails!!! However, I can do without your “SEPTA selfies,” some of which are quite unnerving (not sure it’s wise to have so much skin exposed during a pandemic).  ~Tina

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DON’T BE A DICK: Dick is asymptomatic but has been infected with coronavirus. Dick thinks he’s healthy and infects 10 people per day. These people think they’re OK to go out and infect 100 people. These 100 people feel healthy so they will keep infecting 1000’s of people. No one knows who is infectious. Be responsible. #stayhome until there’s a reliable test or vaccine.

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Need an apprentice carpenter for deck repair

Moved to a new house; deck in bad repair; some boards warped, some missing and some rotted. I want to get this deck repaired and ready to use for Memorial Day.

Usually I would do this myself but I had abdominal surgery last year. Actually I was fine until I got hit by that can of corn, but anyway I am seeking someone who can follow my directions and shuttle me around to hardware stores for supplies and equipment. I can’t pay you money but you can have my truck (’87 Dodge Dakota). My wife says I should throw in a handy, whatever that is. Serious inquires only. Call Jake on Coulter.

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Not sure what the protocol is for ZOOM weddings but I wanted to get something in the paper anyway:  Tiffani Lynne, daughter of Mr and Mrs Lester Glenn of Walnut Lane and Daniel Rasheed of Alden Park were married before a teleconference of friends and family on April 20th, 2020.  The ceremony was officiated by the bride’s younger brother, Marcus Glenn, who also provided tech support. The couple hopes to reside together in the near future.

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IMPORTANT! Do not call the police on suspicious-looking people in your neighborhood! Those are just your neighbors without makeup and hair extensions!!!!!  — Curlie Q.

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The air I breathe,
I was suffocating at home and work, and you were the oxygen I needed. Then it all hit the fan, didn’t it? The only thing that got me through those dark first years was the belief in my heart that you’d find me one day. Then time ran out, didn’t it? Knocked the wind right out of me, hearing the news. Until we meet again.  – Dorothy

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Hey did you get that. Lol
Wait, I almost seduced myself. In my mirror.
Are you getting these txts?
Where are you? Where are these messages going?
Who is Dagmire?!
Missed WHAT?!
WHAT am I missing?!
~Mike B.

To BLAKE or should I say RYAN F???

Just stop. We all know it’s you. Don’t make me call back with your full name and address. Cause I’ll do it.

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Dear The Local,

I’m calling because my neighbor Paula told me this was the number to find out if palm reading is an essential business or not. I have reason to believe our other neighbor Gina is still practicing or whatever you call it when people do their fortune telling these days. Usually it’s not my business what she does in her own home but with the corona I think someone oughta say something. Lord keep us all healthy. Praise Jesus.  ~ Miss Florence

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Things that do NOT interest me: men, cut flowers, wearing a wig, the smell of underpants, the institution of marriage, selling out and pretending to be who I’m not.

Things that DO interest me:  individuals,  grammar and syntax, healthy skepticism, unbridled enthusiasm, intellectual curiosity and zesty clavicles.

Sending this out to the Universe, let’s see what, if anything, comes back. – J. P. on W. Rittenhouse

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An eager young poet from Tyne
Poured his soul into every line.
He worked day and night,
But still had trouble getting the scansion right.
And frequently fudged on the rhymes.

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Someday, once humans are extinct from covid-19 (or some other pandemic), I hope whatever species rules Earth makes chicken nuggets in the shape of us like we did for dinosaurs. – Craig W.  #deepthoughts

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Too Good to be True? I didn’t know where they were gonna put me when I heard I was being released to community custody. Now it looks like I’m coming home to Germantown! What luck!! My first stop will be Charlie Gray’s Rib Crib!! Then one of those great burgers from the Catfish Café.  — Dave J.

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Lydia! Great job sewing those homemade masks for under-resourced local organizations! About the design. We love the vents and filter pockets, but what’s up with the snorkels? Is there some sort of science behind breathing through a snorkel? We couldn’t find any data on this. Don’t want to see ungrateful but not sure we need the snorkel (it just seems to get in the way).   ~Ms. Barkley

BLOOD DONORS NEEDED! To those who are healthy and able to get out of the house PLEASE consider donating blood or platelets. People’s treatment is being delayed due to severe shortages from the coronavirus outbreak. There’s a donation center at 700 Spring Garden Street, you can schedule an appointment at redcrossblood.org

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Whew! I had shortness of breath yesterday and at first I got scared but then I realized I had just put on jeans for the first time in a month.  – Nikki G.

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Bruce, my man, I love that woody station wagon of yours. Can’t believe you’ve kept the old thing running all these years. Or that you can get it past 80 on the highway!! Remember that time when the cop told you his K9 could sniff weed, meth, coke and heroin, and you said, “Wow! Your dog really knows how to party!”? Well I’m gonna need you to pay back that bail money that I loaned you asap. Thanks.  ~Tank

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Funny how all the consumers and workers staying home brings the economy to its knees and the “job creators” aren’t keeping things running with their amazing boot straps. Almost as if it’s the people at the bottom who create wealth.  – Lucas R.

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Sure, Lacy, there are key differences in male underwear vs female – the “fly” for instance, which btw no one actually uses so whatever. Point is, who cares what a person is wearing UNDER their clothes anyway? No one sees it. End of story. Let it go.  ~Crossy D.

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DARE YOU to try something you’ve never done before! Why not? We’re all stuck home, let’s spice things up and share our stories. And pictures! I’ve ordered a variety of feathers with some biodegradable glitter and glow-in-the-dark cosmetics. Can you say ZOOM Dance Party?!  ~Naked Ed #thebodyisbeautiful

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Daryl: Ordinarily, I don’t let work interfere with my psychedelic journeys, but yesterday was certainly an exception. But that was some heavy sh*t to lay on me with a head full of acid in the emergency Zoom meeting of managers! Hey, it was Saturday. I was peaking.  Thanks for having my back when Bill asked for a thorough 3rd line analysis. Whoa, that coulda gone way off the rails! You are my savior, I owe you a BIG ONE when we get back in the office.   ~Bud Fox

United We Stand!  The Living in Germantown: All Together Page has over 6,000 members who share local pics, stories, information and personal opinions of all kinds.  Free and public. While we’re all shut in, let’s keep connected to our neighbors for safety and peace of mind.

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Ron, I don’t think you realize it, but you laugh just like a villain. Your eyes even go a little dark. Seriously, it makes everyone uneasy. Except me. What is going on, behind that sinister cackle? Oh for just a peek.   ~Steelie

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ATTENTION Wayne Ave speedway is really annoying and dangerous. Slow down losers.

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Sally we sail the same ship
Through dark and dangerous

Hark! Nary a peaceful smoke
Upon thar tumultuous tides

Forever the outcast
The Shrew
It’s not just me
‘Tis you   ~1st Mate 4ever

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Let’s not forget what Trump SHOULD have known about COVID and when.
Let’s not forget that Trump fired the pandemic response team in 2018.
Let’s not forget that Trump slashed CDC personnel working in China by 2/3.
Let’s not forget that over 1,600 scientists have either left or been forced out since Trump took office. (20% of senior scientific posts remain unfilled.)
Let’s not forget that Trump has consistently degraded trust in US intelligence agencies, frequently publicly disagreeing with their conclusions when it was inconvenient or embarrassing.
Let’s not forget that Trump frequently ignores the advice of senior officials, and requires “dumbed down” briefings – either because he’s not smart enough to understand what he is being told, or he simply doesn’t care about anything that isn’t about him.    – Lou S.

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C, I said before and now I’ll put it in writing; you are Grace Kelly on the outside and Judas Priest on the inside. That’s why I love you. Well, that’s one of the reasons anyway.   ~D     ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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How about this – no more billionaires, ever. None. After you reach $999 million, every red cent goes to schools and health care. You get a trophy that says “I won capitalism” and we name a dog park after you.  – Mikel J.

We fell asleep in one world, and woke up in another.

Suddenly Disney is out of magic,
Paris is no longer romantic,
New York doesn’t stand up anymore,
the Chinese wall is no longer a fortress, and
Mecca is empty.

Hugs & kisses suddenly become weapons, and not visiting parents & friends becomes and act of love.

Suddenly you realize that power, beauty & money are worthless, and can’t get you the oxygen you’re fighting for.

The world continues its life and it is beautiful. It only puts humans in cages. I think it’s sending us a message: “You are not necessary. The air, earth, water and sky with you are fine. When you come back, remember that you are my guests. Not my masters.”
Haroon Rashid


About Karl Von Lichtenhollen 66 Articles
Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen is a doctor and fellow of the Applied Knowledges at Blödsinn Universität in Munich, Germany (1973). He was born and raised in the Nether Regions area of Holland, near Tainte, which he refers to fondly as a "Dutch Wonderland." Dr. Lichtenhollen once shared a houseboat in Amsterdam with the cast of a geriatric production of HAIR, inspiring his famous essay, "That Which I Cannot Unsee." He is a three-time recipient of the "Iron Feather" award. His hobbies include ascots, Highland wool sweaters and his pipe. He has a cat.

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