Missed Connections: March 2021

Expertly curated with finesse and aplomb by Dr. Karl von Lichtenhollen and his intrepid assistant Dagmar just in time for Women’s History Month

Dear Dagmar, Congratulations on Women’s History Month! Please accept my admiration for your many skills and feel free to buy yourself an appropriate gift from petty cash. Good job. – Dr. K   PS I put your name in the header, as you suggested.

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Carrie, I haven’t heard back from you yet and I’m wondering what’s up. This time I sent my love notes out using SEVEN (!!) homing pigeons and every one of those damn birds came back empty. Even Maximillian, who was quite the worse for wear – I bet HE has an interesting story! Anyway, I KNOW you got my messages. But now I’m thinking, maybe it’s not common knowledge, how to tie a tiny scroll to a bird. I probably should’ve included my phone number or email just in case. Hindsight! Jeez I hope you see this here.  ~ G.H. Pontiff
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My Rush-hour Rapture, every Wednesday on the PHL à BALT Amtrak, we talk the whole ride down. You’re smart and funny as Hell. Spending time with you has become the highlight of my week. Except when you bring up your husband. I can’t tell you how I feel, but if you happen to read this please know that I would do anything to be your side-guy. One day a week, it would be epic!  ~John G-Train
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I don’t get people like Bezos. If I had billions of dollars, I would be impulsively fixing shit. Homeless vets? I don’t think so. Hungry children? Not on my watch! He could be Batman. What a waste. @AmazonAsshat

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We met at Valley Forge Park just as the big snow storm was approaching: two stalwart re-enactors with Colonial-era provisions and adventure in our hearts! Risking the wrath of park rangers for just a taste of the experience our brave Revolutionary War soldiers endured here in 1777. What a time we had sharing hardtack, spruce beer and body heat!  I would love to camp again or rush a battlefield together (lemme know how your frostbite is healing). Stan from the Falls of Schuylkill

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O-you, my Idealized Stranger. I dream of you when I’m deep in the soundless dark. I see you carrying the torch. My sole bulwark against the drab and usual.  ~D on the J bus
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Debbie: After careful consideration, here is a list of the positions that I request we drop from our usual repertoire: the Typhoon, the Supine Swirl, the Anthill, the Devils Tower, and finally, the Pythian Head Squeeze. PS I still do not want to try the Praying Mantis, ever.  ~Peter
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Happy Days Are Here Again! Feeling fine after my 2nd vaccine shot – and frisky! Who’s with me? Meetcha at McDonalds, the coffee’s cheap and hot. And we can take all day to drink it! Show me your grandkids and I’ll show you mine. ~Eunice Featherton
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ROAD WARNING!!

Going down Green and Queen towards Germantown Ave, be careful the pot holes in the street are horrendous! It’s hard to see how bad they are when you’re driving but there are deep and wide. There’s about 4 in a row so be careful they will tear your car up. – Patricia

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Straight people will say that LGBT education isn’t age appropriate but will ask toddlers if they have a girlfriend. #PleaseExplain

New In Town — 42 yo professional looking for a good local Florist with upscale blooms. Thorns need not apply, nor seeds and stems either. Text or call how to reach you.

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St. Bridget, 1985  It was a rainy May procession that year, and hot. They had some mousy girl come up to sing Hail Holy Queen all by herself. She started out kind of quiet but caught her groove and by the end she was tearing up the song like she was on American Idol, doing all these runs and shit. The nuns were horrified. I think she was expelled. Either that or I dreamed all this. Does anyone else have this memory? Call me! ~ Mary
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Kathy, I have not heard from you since I returned the cheese – I hope you’re not dodging me! As your neighbor for the last 9 months, I am truly honored by your highly-personal gift. I’m sure your breast milk cheddar was delicious! Unfortunately, I have a very specific medical condition where food products made from other people’s bodily fluids make me gag. Thank you so much for thinking of me, I hope we can still be friends. ~ Tiresha

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You have a choice: you can support a living wage or complain about the number of people on welfare but you can’t do both. @powerinterfaith

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What’s that, you say? You’ve never heard of me? Great. Let’s keep it that way. I prefer to keep a very, very low profile in East Falls. I have decided to make a single exception for the dude I saw in the Dunkin in the gas station down the street. It’s not just that you ordered the only two donuts worth eating: the Boston Cream and Chocolate Honey Dipped (or whatever the hell they call it these days), it’s the WAY you ordered it. You know what I mean, you.  ~Joanie Paradisus

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PRO TIP: If your crystal meth dealer has all their teeth, they’re the police. Follow @EFPosse for more secrets to success!

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Sarpa Salpa, bring me a dream. So psychedelic and piscine. What secrets are you hiding in your bubbling treasure chest? How much does the deep-sea diver know, as he bobs up and down by the giant smiling clam? To the tropical fish collector who introduced us for a song: thanks but next time a smaller porgy by half, ok?  Love, Ariel

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Help us settle a debate. This year is my sister’s turn to throw our family St. Patrick’s Day party and she’s planning a kid event with no alcohol so now me and my brothers can’t decide whether to stay home and drink or go BYOB. Either way she’ll be effin and blindin. There’s four of us so we need a tiebreaker. ~Dave

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ROD! How’s your day going?! Tell me about your day when you get home. What are we doing tonight? Who’s Lucille? What time are you getting home? Did you remember to pick up that ointment? Why didn’t you call or reply to my texts today, I sent 46 of them? What outfit are you going to wear to work tomorrow? What’s for breakfast? When are you changing the sheets on the bed? Did you feed the cats this morning? ~Bette

The first woman to post a personal ad, in 1727, caught the attention of only one man, the Manchester city mayor, who committed her to an asylum for a month. I hope to have better luck. I saw you browsing the serrano peppers at the bodega. You wore a distinctive scarf. You will contact me at once, if you know what’s good for you. ~Helen Morrison

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Imagine having to pitch the idea of fire departments right now. Half of America would be like “Oh so some idiot lets his house catch fire and my tax dollars help extinguish the flames FOR FREE?!?” @PhillyDSA

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Your Density Awaits! ISO roommates for 3-bed/1 bath rowhome on Winona. Looking to split rent with at least 10 other adults (the zoning will allow 15). The more we can fit the cheaper it’ll be for all of us! Must love snakes and bagpipe music. Call/text Lennie.

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Attic Brewing Company is hiring!

ISO taproom staff including bartenders/barbacks. No Experience Necessary! Attitude is everything, apply if you’re ready to learn the ropes with an amazing, diverse team.

Email Ruth or stop by the taproom for an application.  Manager@atticbrewing.com

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THANK YOU TO OUR SEXY READERS who find us in the Local newspaper. Check out this month’s copy online or email us for free monthly delivery.

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KNOT FOR SALE Hi I’m @RopeBunnyFooFoo hopping through your neighborhood. Find me on OnlyFans for my artful Shibari scenes shot right here in NW Philly.

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Confessions of an Exotic Dancer
I work the pole at Levels. I have never in my life felt attracted to a customer but last night was the rare exception. You’re a white guy, 40’s? 50’s maybe? Some gray but not a lot. A little bald. Short, overweight, sweaty. You love your wife but she just doesn’t get you. Well baby that’s her loss you are a stallion. Let’s talk again real soon. Ask for Krystal (bring lots of money!)


Margaret I find your crisp indifference to me amusing but inappropriate for someone who values their position here in our condominium community. Please note: the HOA is paying you to manage our property professionally, which in my day includes a smile and a fine howdy do. You are hereby PUT ON NOTICE to improve your attitude immediately. Ty,  ~ K. & S. Bruger, unit #375

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Looking for Mrs. Robinson, DOES SHE EXIST?
Do any middle-aged women actually feel so powerless these days that they seek to have their way with, say, an impressionable young guy about 18 years old? Who basically has nothing to offer except I’m home all day and probably showered? What do you think?  ~Jeremey
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Calling all curs and like-minded fiends for uptown escapades! Caitiffs and ruffians to the front, please. Transgressors and rapscallions, one and all. Let’s rouse some rabbles together. Without getting caught, of course. ~R. Crantz & G. Stern

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Why were we all taught to fear witches and not the maniacs who burned them alive? #ThatsMessedUP

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LOOKING FOR 1 in a MILLION – So I did the math. Almost 6 million people live in the City, roughly half of you are men, which means there are 3 fine gents out there who might qualify for my awesomeness. Except! Statistically one of you is probably gay or incarcerated or Republican or otherwise not a realistic option. That leaves me 2 possibly ideal mates out there to track down somehow. Talk about a Missed Connection. ~Avery in Germantown

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Hey there fellow human – I see you read. Do you bathe and dress yourself too? Congratulations, I’m interested in getting to know you physically after we’re both vaccinated! I’ve been single all lockdown so I’ve adjusted my usual standards to basically anything that breathes. I’m not even concerned with gender at this point. Keep my number handy.  ~Jillie (Vernon Park area)
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Did you know…? Europeans live longer because of their diet rich in nuts, fish and red wine. Also they can go to the doctor any time they want and not go bankrupt. #cestvrai

WISSAHICKON HIKERS & BIKERS ETC: The Lincoln Drive bike trail truss bridges will be closed starting 3/1 for 9 months to a year. Click for more info on detours

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Good morning E.F. I live on the 3600 block of Calumet St got to watch a hawk swoop down & snag a bird on the ground,fly up into a tree & have breakfast. Wow neat to see. ~ Cha La

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Hello this is for my Missed Connection! First of all, I’m a female lesbian but which I keep it to myself. We met on Cresson Street where I parked but I live on Queen. You asked me where I got my fancy Crocs. I think I caught a vibe. I put the Crocs out on my porch so you know how to find me if you want to say hello.  ~Ann (not my real name but close)
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Yo, Greg, I found your new Insta and it’s super weird. That doll looks exactly like me and furthermore it’s extra creepy how a lot of these shots are re-enactments of key moments in our relationship. Many of them very private. Gonna need some time to think.  ~ Angel

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Imagine aliens watching us kill our planet like “Wait, they have all the resources they need to fix this, right?” and another alien explaining “Yes but they’re worried about having enough green pieces of paper.” “Where do they get the green paper?” “Oh they make it themselves.” #facepalm @breadrosesfund

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Dude who helped me get my car out of my driveway on Earlham — I think you said your name was Klive? You left your hat and scarf behind, I’d like to get them back to you with a Wawa gift card for your trouble. Wish you hadn’t run off before I’d had a chance to explain those were all movie props in my trunk. Whoops.  – Julie B., Set Design “SAW the Musical”
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She knows who she is. She said, “Don’t call me Mamacita,” then told me to sit up straight. Won’t kill a bug but she’ll slap a bitch if she needs to. Calls her place “the crib” but it’s more like a crypt: Here Lies the 1990’s. She’s older than her years but she’s still dressing and dreaming like a teenager. She’s beautiful and I’m glad she’s in my life. ~DB
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Yo who the fuck actually likes sparkling water that shit taste like tv static!  #truth

Snow art in East Falls (February 2021)

Hey everyone, my White Jeep Compass got broken into last night on ridge by Dobson Mills. Nothing is broken or missing besides some cologne 🤷🏼‍♂️ I’m usually very good at locking my car but must’ve forgotten yesterday. Just posting to remind everyone to lock their cars and not to keep any valuables in them! – Don M.

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The best way to find out if you can trust someone is to trust them. – Ernest Hemingway

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To the girl who held me up with a butter knife on MLK Drive last Thursday. I gave you my wallet because I felt sorry for you, not because I actually felt threatened. It was a decoy wallet anyway, with old credit cards and like three bucks in cash. I hope you get help.  – Monica
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As seen at the Art Museum, one hirsute male patron, fully immersed in Noel-Nicolas Coypel’s, “The Abduction of Europa”. Was it you in that Billy Murphy’s sweatshirt? From my angle, your face was simply radiant with wonder and bliss. I ached to see through your eyes, to connect so deeply with an artwork. Do you suppose it’s something you could teach me? Humbly, Jonathan
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SPRING IS COMING Follow @WalkGermantown for guided community walks. Get to know your neighborhood!

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Why, Photobomber? I accidentally left my phone in the bathroom at Big Blue Marble bookshop but when I ran back you were in there so I waited what seemed like awhile but my phone was right where I put it so that was good. Well I had a chance to go thru my camera roll and THANKS A LOT, PERVO! What did your parents do to you, that you want to put such images on an old lady’s phone? Who can I get to delete these for me, certainly not my grandson! Shame on you. ~Eleanor
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Read This Rob Estevez! You placed this ad for yourself earlier in the month to remind yourself to have a Happy Birthday and also whatever you do, DO NOT start up with Melinda again. You know how she always uses our birthday to try to rekindle things and it never goes well. Please take a moment to strengthen your resolve to keep that batshit woman out of our life. Thanks, buddy.  ~ Rob Estevez

After a brief flirtation with paleozoology, I fell hard for the elegance of a good algorithm which led me to advanced degrees in computational science from MIT. My perfect guy will understand none of that! I spend so much time in super-smart circles that I’ve developed this weird kink for idiots. I see a blank look or hear an ignorant comment, and I’m instantly, powerfully attracted. It goes without saying I’m in an almost constant state of arousal in East Falls. Reach out here, let’s see what we can do about this.  ~ Egghead Elliott

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Talk to me about billionaire philanthropy once they’re paying their fair share in taxes. Until then, billionaire philanthropy is tax evasion dressed up as PR.  #micdrop  @ReclaimPhila

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Grey Sweatpants Gary over in the next apartment building — You got an above-average review as a nice guy and decent conversationalist from a girl in our stairwell so OK. Next time you do laundry, hit me up and we’ll do a load together, see if we have anything in common. I’m bringing snacks & hard seltzer but don’t expect me to share unless I like you. Not getting my hopes up. ~ Long-haired Lisa
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When the weather is dreary, it’s nice to cheer things up with a warm, fluffy, no-bake dessert that’s a snap to make. Who’s up for some Indiana Sugar Cream pie?!! See if you can guess what’s special about my recipe. HINT: the secret is in the butter!  ~Mrs. Bubba K
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Liberal Small Talk — We run into each other on SEPTA a lot, this last year we’ve grow closer with every national crisis we’ve had to discuss. “Stop the world, I want to get off!” has become our corny catch-phrase. What I wouldn’t give to know what other thoughts and opinions you might share, if we spent some time together. Hoping you see this and reach out next time we meet. ~Ryan

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Gee, G, I can’t believe after all this time I’m back to that weird night in 1987. Neither of us were sure if it was a date or we were just hanging. You were a wall of white-washed denim with a feather roach clip in your hair. I rocked a spiky bleached mullet with Miami Vice stubble. I remember so much more. Hope we can connect after you’re settled in. Welcome home to the neighborhood!  — Tommy

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Be Yourself! If you voted Republican because you fear/hate socialism then live your truth. Do not accept Social Security, Medicare or Medicaid. Avoid public beaches, parks and libraries. Do not allow your children to attend tax-supported schools or activities. Drive only on toll roads. Don’t call 911 unless you intend to pay for services rendered, including having your call answered. Thanks!  ~Alison


Swear to god, Henry, your family is hot mess and they royally fucked you up. I look at you and think “Wow what a piece of work!” Literally. Like, I think you’d be a great project for me this spring. We can start on your diet and communication skills, then move onto grooming and relationships. In exchange, I will rock your world (and maybe stick around if you make sufficient gains). Deal? Call me.  – Yasmin
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Attention: East Falls Area Orgies will remain ON HOLD thru April, however please join our popular ZOOM Happy Hours weeknights 6 – 7:30. Free, all welcome, clothing optional. Contact @EFIllumiNaughty for link.

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Hi, I’m the blonde lady in the big ass Hummer that waved at you yesterday on Ridge. You seemed to think I was asking you take you out? No, you idiot, I said your brake light’s out. I’m not trying to pick you up, I’m trying to keep you from getting a ticket!  ~Kimmy

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I’M NOT SHOUTING, THIS IS JUST MY NORMAL VOICE. PEOPLE SHUSH ME IN SHOPS & RESTAURANTS. THAT’S DISCRIMINATION. I CAN’T HELP HOW I SOUND. PLEASE BE CONSIDERATE, OKAY OR AT LEAST THINK HOW I FEEL. ~IT’S PAT
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You welcomed me with sausage and beer, Skinny Girl. Felt so nice to be out of the snow. Klaus and the Rooster were there too, but you and I had the connection. If you remember, please get back to me. ~ Firestarter Fred

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Mr. Scott in the Tulpehocken Apartments. You don’t know me but my bedroom must share a wall with your bathroom cause I hear you in your shower every morning. You’re not bad but I prefer when you sing songs in your lower range (your falsetto’s a little thin). Also if you could save your Shakespearean monologues for weekends, I’d appreciate it. I find them a little too loud & raucous before work. Thanks, Your Unseen Neighbor

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Bobbi I must be straight with you. Can’t say I find any fault with the packaging, but when I look inside I’m not interested. No one’s disputing your beauty, baby, but your soul hygiene is sorely lacking. Think about it. ~ Manley Brookhouse


WINTER HOURS AT EAST FALLS FARMERS MARKET
11am – 1pm under the Twin Bridges
Crafts, produce, artisan products, community
@eastfallsfarmersmarket
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LADIES: I enjoy being left alone. I am often awkward and uncomfortable around other people. I am very sensitive to criticism and can be stubborn when I feel I am right. I’m initially reserved and shy, but once I get to know someone, I can be quite open and vulnerable. Also when I am required to share personal information I almost always copy it off a horoscope page.  If you want to know me, reach out. ~ Marcus from the beer distributor

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Shout out to East Falls fire department- there was an older gentleman that got his car stuck on Calumet trying to move over for a passing car. Had no luck trying to push him out myself. The fire department gave us a hand! Thank you for being help to the community Engine 35, Ladder 25 & Medic 16  — Bradley C.

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A young lady of 18, wealthy, pretty and agreeable, wants a husband. Not finding any one of her acquaintance who suits her, she has concluded to take this method of discovering one. The happy gentleman must be wealthy, stylish, handsome and fascinating. None other need apply. Address within three days, giving name and full particulars, and enclosing carte de visite.
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The SDN team is excited to announce our current study: Social Processing Over Time, or SPOT! We are looking for adolescents aged 10-15 years old and their parents to complete a study with up to three visits to Temple University. If you or any of your family or friends might be interested in participating, please contact us and/or pass on this flyer! The best way to reach us is through our email (sdnlab@temple.edu) or contacting the lab directly at (215) 204-2544. Thank you all!

Obvious Plant

Thank you for reading this Month’s MISSED CONNECTIONS.

Reply or place your own listing in one of three ways: 1) comment below 2) text 215-498-8874 or 3) email DrKarl@nwlocalpaper.com. If you are responding to an ad privately, please be as specific as possible so that Dr. Karl may properly assist. Thank you, my friend.

Click Here for Last Month’s Missed Connections! 

About Karl Von Lichtenhollen 34 Articles
Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen is a doctor and fellow of the Applied Knowledges at Blödsinn Universität in Munich, Germany (1973). He was born and raised in the Nether Regions area of Holland, near Tainte, which he refers to fondly as a "Dutch Wonderland." Dr. Lichtenhollen once shared a houseboat in Amsterdam with the cast of a geriatric production of HAIR, inspiring his famous essay, "That Which I Cannot Unsee." He is a three-time recipient of the "Iron Feather" award. His hobbies include ascots, Highland wool sweaters and his pipe. He has a cat.

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