Missed Connections: February 2021

Freshly inoculated, sinfully ripe and topped with rich, creamery butter by Dr. Karl von Lichtenhollen.

**********************
Well, Harvey, I guess the good news is, you finally brought to me the heights of pleasure! Unfortunately, it was when you finally gave up and turned on the Inauguration. Whoo, now that was something! ~ Missy

**********************
Yo, that dude on IQL in the green car with the stupid ass lights all over it is a fuckin jackass. Your megaphone sounds like shit. It aint funny and u have a small peepee  –Jeff H

**********************
You can leave $5,000 unattended in a room with and every dime is gonna be there. Proud to be so honest. — Abie Baby PS now, if you leave M&Ms or something, that’s on y’all.

**********************
Love me, Love my messy car! It’s the best! Feeling chilly? Hey look, a sweatshirt! Need a hat? Your choice: baseball cap or rain bonnet. Phone chargers, towels, snacks, a water bottle, toys for various age groups, rubber bands, safety pins, Crocs, flipflops, socks, gloves. I. Have. It. All. Come on in!  — Loretta and her Honda
**********************
Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could do only a little. -Edmund Burke, statesman and writer (12 Jan 1729-1797)

**********************
Alley Behind Maplewood Mall: I was running from that alien again so I jumped into a dumpster to hide and you were there napping which I woke you up. We shared something out of your bottle and then we laughed and talked about rats, comets and grilled cheese. I had to poop so I walked to a gas station and when I got back you were gone. Hope you are well. – Gladys  PS Sorry if the alien tracks you
**********************
I’m just so glad Trump supporters didn’t do something overtly violent, like kneeling at a football game.  – Bobby C.
**********************
For the guy who told me mayo looked like the snot that comes flying out an alpaca’s nose when he’s pissed at you: that’s a seriously disgusting and arcane reference. And apt. I actually spent a summer working on an alpaca ranch in Germansville and you’re correct in your observation. Thanks for ruining a condiment I used to enjoy, dick. ~ Bundled up blonde ordering tuna salad at Wawa that day
**********************
Hello If your concern with trans women is that men might claim to self-ID as trans to gain access to women’s spaces and assault them, then your problem is actually with predatory men and not trans women. #justsayin @MazzoniCenter
Around East Falls: Charming British Lady walking a white and tan dog, I think it’s a collie (?). We used to pass each other a few times a week — she always had something funny to say about the weather. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen her though. I wish I knew her name or where she lived but if anyone knows who I am talking about..? Gosh I hope she’s OK or that at least she has family to look after her dog. You know?  — Pam on Vaux
**********************
Sometimes laughter hurts, but humor and mockery are our only weapons. -Cabu (pen name of Jean Cabut), cartoonist and co-founder of Charlie Hebdo (13 Jan 1938-2015)
**********************
Debra Ann, when you first caught my eye at The James, I assumed you’d just had dental work or something: your cheeks were all puffy, your speech was slurred – you were so wobbly on your barstool, I could not bear to see you drink alone. Escorting you safely home, I felt like your Knight in Shining Armor. Since then though it’s become clear to me that what I’d found so endearing wasn’t a temporary medical condition but is, shall we say, a “lifestyle choice” that you’re making every day. Let me know if I can help but otherwise please stop calling.  – Jeffery Thomas
**********************
Word of warning – if you’re walking down Apalogen Rd, you might get yelled at, your picture taken and threatened by some lady saying it’s “her road” <eye roll>  — Tyler G.
**********************
Take heed: I am not your dream girl. I am the sudden shouting of crows when you enter a part of the forest you should never tread.  #mermaidvenom

**********************
Kinda think a lot of anti-socialist sentiment boils down to a basic belief that people are lazy and won’t do good in the world or work hard unless they are forced. But actually humans are naturally productive. Think of the amazing things people would do if they weren’t in dire straits constantly.   — Shannon

**********************
Yes, Lawrence, this pandemic will make lushes of us yet. Still, I fear the alternative could lead me down a darker path, indeed. And obviously if I’m not dry you’re not dry because, come on. Your willpower’s way worse than mine. So let’s agree that daily wine is not going to kill us but it may keep me from killing you so it’s a health food and necessity. Thanks, baby. – J.D.
**********************
If you’re ever worried about how little you’ve accomplished, remember that Bram Stoker didn’t write Dracula until he was 50, and Dracula didn’t kill anyone until he was dead. #sothere

**********************
Lady who farted at LeBus East Falls
We all heard you. It’s okay we all pass gas. I was the tall guy by the register who laughed and said “Wow. Good one.” You got all insulted, “That wasn’t ME!” Sorry but the stink cloud trailing from your yoga pants was a clear giveaway. I tried to wave the stench away with 2 loaves of challah as you stormed off. Pity. You are beautiful even if you are a liar and fart like a Clydesdale. Hope to see you again.  — Chad

**********************
If MLK and Anne Frank were alive today, they’d be 92 years old.
Betty White just turned 99 years old this year.
The Civil Rights Movement & the Holocaust were not that long ago.
Freedom is fragile.  #fightforjustice

**********************
Wrong Kubota Snowblower Info (Germantown)
Just realized I gave the wrong info to the guy asking for the serial number of my Kubota F5220b snowblower tractor attachment. Also I think my kid stole your wallet. PM me if you see this. – Jake S.

As seen in East Falls (credit J. Howie)

When I die and y’all go through my search history, you’ll be disappointed to find mostly just definitions for very common words that I wasn’t sure I was using properly. – Joel at Jefferson

**********************
I am less interested in the weight and convolutions of Einstein’s brain than in the near certainty that people of equal talent have lived and died in cotton fields and sweat shops.  – Steven Jay Gould, evolutionary biologist
**********************
Hey kids, apparently, “Just fuck me up” is not a proper coffee order at Vault + Vine but at Ultimo it’ll get you a triple shot of espresso injected directly into your carotid (with or without whipped cream).  #themoreyouknow

**********************
Maria, remind me again why I need to be around when you hang out with your community theatre friends? They try way too hard, and it’s freaking me out. Won’t be long before I scream SHUT UP when Nicole breaks into her meow-meow song. And wtf’s with Laura’s accents, they all sound like Dracula. If it’s possible to be tone deaf linguistically, that’s her. I’m done playing along. I love you but your friends are dopes. – Buddy

**********************
Roses are red
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single
Than be with you.

That’s right, Tom, suck it. – Monica
**********************
Lee Harvey Oswald thought he was a patriot. John Wilkes Booth thought he was a patriot. Timothy McVeigh thought he was a patriot. Many people who cause terror claim to be acting as patriots. They are not. Not one person that stormed through the doors of the US Capitol was a patriot. #throwthebookatthem

WWII was over too but we still held the Nuremberg Trials.  @Ben_Ferencz
**********************
To Alex and Lady, the HYPOCRITES! How is it OK for you to go out but it’s too dangerous for me? Just because you pay for my house, food and medical expenses? I am a full grown adult: Let. Me. Out! Have you any idea the vermin skittering about our streets, just waiting to be pounced on? And flung around till dead then eaten, perhaps under a car or bush? If my demand is not met, I will begin an assault on your bedding starting with the heirloom quilt in the guest room. You have been warned, Excelsior
**********************
Today’s Work from Home Tip: Blowing on the wine in the mug will help convince your ZOOM meeting that your tea is hot.  #lifehack

**********************
Isabella, I think our signals got crossed or something. What I meant was that I finally saw things through your eyes – the way you see things. By no means did I say that I can “see right through you”. Can I please come back home? My brother and his wife have really had enough of me. They really have.  ~Lars
**********************
Blind dates are always a long shot but this one took the cake. “What do you know about 5G?” she asked me before I sat down. Next thing I knew, she’s yelling at me about how we’re all gonna die of microwaves and there’s mind control everywhere. But wait. She tells me she can prove it so I hop in her car and she drives us to this wooded road off Lincoln Drive, where there’s a big metal UFO sculpture in someone’s front yard. Told me if I didn’t see the truth then I was part of the problem. I walked home that night. Anyway, that’s where I got the idea to name the band “Tall Blonde Nutjob.”  — Pete

**********************
When I find myself in times of trouble
butter pound cake comes to me
speaking words of wisdom: sara lee

**********************
Shonna, are you OK? You were so, so hammered the last time I saw you. Which was also the first time I met you, I guess technically our first date at Longhorn Steakhouse. Which was a pleasure, btw, right up until you lost control of your bladder – not a deal breaker for me, but certainly a red flag (as was all the trash talk). Still, I definitely feel a spark. If you’re up for another date, I’m in. Call me! Carl K.
**********************
True Story: In the 1980’s A&W tried to compete with McDonalds’ Quarter Pounder by selling a Third Pounder at a lower cost. The product failed, because most customers thought 1/4  is bigger than 1/3. This is why I don’t argue online.  ~ Mike the bartender

**********************
To be clear: we’re not asking you to shoot them like you shoot us. We’re asking you to NOT shoot us like you don’t shoot them. #BLM
Mousiest Mouse of All – who are you? I see you early mornings standing by your car, smoking and scrolling your phone. Hair all matted with static electricity. Coke-bottle birth control glasses. Turtleneck in dankest green. The way people walk by you, it’s like you’re invisible. I see you like that. So I will respect your bubble, even though I really want to say hello and get to know you. – Jared (Cloverly Park Apts)

**********************
Wine comes in at the mouth
And love comes in at the eye;
That’s all we shall know for truth
Before we grow old and die.
I lift the glass to my mouth,
I look at you… and sigh.
**********************
Boomer: At your age I paid off college and bought a house with my hard work!
Millennials: At your age college was 3% of the median salary – now it’s 20%. The median home was $17k, now it’s $320k. You worked hard then closed the door behind you. Now please open up or we will knock it down.  @215Alliance
**********************
This is for the lady and her kids who I accidently scared so badly the other day outside Grill n Dutchy. You didn’t give me a chance to explain. I get bad nose bleeds in the winter when it’s super cold and the heater dries my sinuses out. With a mask on, though, I can’t always feel when I’m having one. I know you didn’t mean to startle me with your screaming, but as you saw it really gushes like a waterfall when I’m stressed! I don’t blame you all for passing out. If you see this, I left a gift certificate for you behind the counter. Sorry for ruining Jamaal’s birthday dinner. – Darrin M.

**********************
Lemme get this straight. So Trump supporters went to hear him speak and when he told them to March on the Capitol, they all went home and Antifa dressed up like Trumpers and took their place walking down the street? Sounds plausible. @mama_c

**********************
Dude from my cousin’s condo-warming party. Little man with his pants on fire, making up stories about how you know me from LaSalle, when they used to call me POP for “Paint-On Pants.” Well if you knew me so well, how come I don’t remember you, huh? I bet you were one of the creepy frat guys in the dorm that smelled like sweat socks. Keep my name outcha mouth. ~Danielle
**********************
You call it eating 3 boxes of Girl Scout Cookies alone. I call it supporting young female entrepreneurs. #tomatotomahto

**********************
The roses are dead
The violets all wilted,
It’s Valentine’s Day
And I’ve been jilted.

Tom: I’m gonna burn this poem in a Wiccan ritual to banish you from my life forever. – MonicaIN MY DEFENSE, I was left unsupervised. Don’t look at me like that, it makes perfect sense if you know me, officer. Now unhand me please, I am on the phone. Jacob if this is you please let daddy know I’ve done it again.  – L.D.
**********************
Let’s play, Jordan. You can be on one side of the board and I will be on the other side. We can roll the dice and try to keep the cheating to a minimum. Bluffs are fair game though. I’ll root for you, hope you can return the consideration. I think we can both come out winners, don’t you? Annnnnnd begin!  — Todd
**********************
Did you know…? 14 muscles are activated when you open a bottle of wine. Fitness is my passion! ~Arlene K

**********************
Jennifer at the cash register: I have this weird feeling we met on the Schuylkill River Trail years ago. Just briefly. I remember hopping off my bike one summer night to take pictures of the sunset, and then another cyclist stopped to snap the view  – pretty sure that was you. I bet we made small talk, because I totally recognize your voice. Does any of this sound familiar to you? I’d love to grab a cup of coffee, see what else we have in common besides sunsets, biking and photography (a good start, I think!).  ~Ibrahim

**********************
Not again! I lost my asteroids in the space nougat or whatchamacallit. Then of course the cargo’s all disoriented (more on that later). Right now I am applying the soy butter to my feet as per their latest directives, but that won’t stop us from meeting up later. Nothing will! ~ T. Daisies
**********************
Hey Americans: Remember, if we work hard and dream hard we might just be able to afford basic necessities that other countries guarantee to all their people. #facepalm

**********************
Happy Valentine’s Day to Alexis, wherever you are. I know 2020 has been a hard year for you. Sending you Love and Lights through the dark of winter. Your Friends, Mick & Michael

**********************
One awesome thing about Eeyore is that even though he is clinically depressed, he still gets invited to participate in adventures with Pooh and all his friends. They never expect him to pretend to feel happy, they never leave him behind or ask him to change. They just show him love. – Katie PS Whoever you are, you are enough!

**********************
Stop saying we’re a “divided” country. This gives equal weight to both sides. No! We are a country with a huge white male supremacy problem. We don’t need to “find common ground.” We need one side to accept the basic humanity of everyone who doesn’t look/act like them. #humanrights

Coralynne:  I asked the twins how to get in touch with you, but they don’t want any part of all that — understandable. So here we are. Hope you see this. My court date is coming up in March, let’s make time soon to get our stories straight. I’d like to think you bear some responsibility for goading me on after I had two Ciroc Punches from the Eagle. – Geraldo

**********************
Phil you big baby. It’s called constructive feedback, I’m trying to help you. Now that you know your face looks fat and old on ZOOM, you can do something about it. Try better lighting or a new camera! Upgrade your mic too cause the one you’re using makes you sound worthless and weak. You’re welcome! Love, Mom

**********************
Fuck Your Hate! I will NEVER be interested in unifying with people who wear shirts that say “6 Million Wasn’t Enough.” Fuck you.
**********************
Isn’t it weird how we as a society arrived at “Monetize all your hobbies to support yourself” before “Rich people should pay their workers better” ???  @grittynhl

**********************
Chivalry is sexy! Man opens a door for me, I feel a little tingle. For real. He reach for the check, ooh. My mind starts going places. I’m no ho, just feels good when a man takes care of his woman.  ~ Brandi

**********************
Crystal, you never fascinate me more then when I see your brave face go smooth and impassive at my gaze. Your clear dark eyes grow perfectly impenetrable— not an ounce of intention or emotion shows. It’s exhilarating, like outer space. When your feelings finally surface, it’s like a Magic 8 Ball die rising up from inky-thick liquid. Just as vague, too: I can read your message, but the meaning’s never clear. One day perhaps you’ll help me unravel your mysteries?   ~Norm
**********************
The most embarrassing thing about the US having another civil war is it’s not even for a new reason. Sigh.  – Ashana Z.

Hey Fuzzy I might wear glasses but Im not Meg, showing up to save you from yourself at night and disappear into the frantic movement of day. You broke our hearts but mostly you broke your own. Sorry, I didn’t sign up for B list cog in the hegemonic power structure. Direct action only gets the goods if you’re committed to action and if you have any hope for yourself left on the other end. My cousin. You brought scarves and sunglasses; you asked to use my bathroom. You made the same burrito every morning. You gave up Jazz. You biked to the shore and slept under the stars. “The road provides!” you said and it was true, you never missed a meal. “That’s not my karma” you’d say when we worried and I have to hope that’s true. Call us if you get this. Happy 38th birthday. — Mason
**********************
MOVE every part of your being on a regular basis
STRETCH every part of your being on a regular basis
RELAX every part of your being on a regular basis
#celebratelife
**********************
Dark Angel, thou art the Beast in my Breast, the Sulfur in my Gas. We can afford to be apart no longer. Let us grapple our mantle from the Fergusons of Queen Lane and run this town side by side. Call me. – Lou Cipher PS I made extra sour dough if anyone wants
**********************
Parent PSA:
Teach your daughter economic independence so in the future, she can have a partner not a master. And teach your son to do housework so in the future he can have a partner, not a servant.
**********************
I’ll say it again, Kenny:  ducks aren’t supposed to eat bread because it’s bad for them to fill up on empty calories. I still don’t what’s funny about that.   ~Tabbie

**********************
If you think it’s cool that a bunch of regular people coming together to sink hedge funds, wait till you hear about general strikes!  #ReclaimPhiladelphia
Thank you for reading this Month’s MISSED CONNECTIONS.

Reply or place your own listing in one of three ways: 1) comment below 2) text 215-498-8874 or 3) email DrKarl@nwlocalpaper.com. If you are responding to an ad privately, please be as specific as possible so that Dr. Karl may properly assist. Thank you, my friend.

Click Here for Last Month’s Missed Connections! 

About Karl Von Lichtenhollen 28 Articles
Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen is a doctor and fellow of the Applied Knowledges at Blödsinn Universität in Munich, Germany (1973). He was born and raised in the Nether Regions area of Holland, near Tainte, which he refers to fondly as a "Dutch Wonderland." Dr. Lichtenhollen once shared a houseboat in Amsterdam with the cast of a geriatric production of HAIR, inspiring his famous essay, "That Which I Cannot Unsee." He is a three-time recipient of the "Iron Feather" award. His hobbies include ascots, Highland wool sweaters and his pipe. He has a cat.

Be the first to comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.


*


This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.