Missed Connections: January 2021

Shot-gunned into your conscious via both eyeballs, in a spirituous froth of truth, hear-say and leg-pulling. The reputable Dr. Karl von Lichtenhollen, presiding.

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Was 2020 such a “bad year” or are we simply approaching the inevitable conclusion of living under an economic system that is fundamentally incompatible with human dignity and happiness? #askingforafriend
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Linda, Your body is beautiful, because it’s you.
Except for your feets. They look like walrus flippers.
Still, it don’t matter to me. Let’s keep this going.  ~Mike
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Squeaky Sam on Winona, everyone. Thought I’d seen everything in my 52 years. Well I’ve seen cheap ass guys trynna get away with Saran Wrap but this the first time I’ve seen a dude wrap it in foil, like leftovers. What kind of protection is that? Beware the Tin Man, everybody. Unless you got some WD-40 in your nightstand.
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Hey kids here’s a tip: It’s not premarital sex if you never get married. Follow me for more biblical loopholes! @eastfallscarolyn
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SVHS Rock Star: It was great to see you. Miss your face!!! Buck up. There’s good chi everywhere, just waiting to catch you like a sail. Be the sail, baby!!!! Fill yourself with good chi, even if you don’t know where you’re going, or what I’m saying, because truthfully I have no idea, I am ridiculously high right now. It was great seeing you last night. Have I said that already? Love you more, Argh Scully
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Two Thumbs Up to the Midas on Chelten Ave between Greene and Wayne. They were straightforward with no hard-sell. They found a steering fluid pump issue, and when I asked if I could put off repairs until my mechanic was back next week they answered me honestly that it could wait. I got my oil changed there, and I highly recommend them. Honest mechanics are hard to come by! – Debra D
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FREE HEALTHCARE AIN’T FREE! It’s paid with our taxes. Right now, my taxes go to jets that don’t fly, ships that crash into each other, walls and jails I don’t believe in and industries that are raping the planet. I would gladly pay more tax money, if I could get something I can use. – Eric J. (Greene St)
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If you choose not to find the joy in snow, you will have less joy in your life but still have the same amount of snow. – Christopher Robin
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Has anyone else heard/seen the black four-door driving around with loud random noises on a car intercom? He’s been speeding up and down Conrad, Vaux, Indian Queen…  He’s out right now and it’s completely insane and unsettling. It’s 10:30pm. <unintelligible>!! – KellyAnne S.
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As a trained mental health professional, I can say confidently that while therapy is helpful, what most people really need is money.  @DrCarrie
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Claudia, When I saw you on the train enthralled in a book entitled “Tales of Exquisite Vengeance”, I knew it was the worst idea of my life to ask you out for a drink. Yet I could not resist. Nine years and countless breakups later, we are bound together in a sick dance of passion and betrayal. Admit it: this has been your plan all along, you smokin’ hot harridan!  ~Dirk


Feed the Goats your old Xmas Tree!
The Philly Goat Project at Germantown’s Awbury Arboretum is gratefully accepting Christmas trees for their goats to snack on – also to mulch trails, line paddocks and other uses. Trees must be free from tinsel/lights/ornaments (minimum donation $20 per tree).
SATURDAYS: January 9th & 23rd
10am to 1pm
The Farm at the Awbury Agricultural Village
6336 Ardleigh Street
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Where’s my grammar police? Is it “for fucks sake” or “for fuck sake”? It’s for a work email so it has to sound professional. Thanks! – Chrissy in Alden Park
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Please don’t blame me, Kira. I’ve been honest about my condition from the beginning: my brain has a dick of its own. It makes me cheat on you, even when I don’t want to. If it were up to me, I’d be faithful. This is not my fault, it’s science. I accept you for who you are, can’t you grant me the same consideration? I love you. ~Richard G
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PSA: When the temps get low, animals seeking shelter sometimes get stuck in drains/pipes and other tricky spaces. Did you know Roto-Rooter provides FREE emergency animal rescue service? They’ll send out experts with “snake” cameras and industrial excavation equipment to save pets & wildlife from dangerous and often fatal situations. @RotoRooterPhiladelphia
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Ten years from now, you’ll put on an old jacket and find a mask in the pocket. “Oh man, what a weird year that was,” you’ll chuckle to yourself. Then you’ll pick up your machete and continue across the wasteland, keeping to the shadows to avoid the roving gangs of cannibal raiders.  #survivortype

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Miss Dunlap on Haines, I know Sgt Raymond has already sent his report but I wanted to explain. After the flash, a tremendous surge of energy jolted through my forehead, down my left arm and into that hand which was, of course, holding the wire you had, in retrospect, warned me about. I am extremely embarrassed by my behavior and assure you this is NOT how I normally act on first dates. I don’t expect you’d give me another chance, but you’d make me the happiest guy in the world if you did.  ~Gary from church PS what I did on your rug is a perfectly normal physical reaction to shock, not an indication of my manners (which are excellent)
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Mask up, Bandit. We’re rolling undercover down streets we know by heart. One unbreakable rule: break only one law at a time. We may be reckless but we’re not stupid.  ~Zeebo
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Never ceases to amaze me how Black people protesting against police violence raises more alarm & immediate response than the Republican Party attempting a coup & threatening harm against citizens and elected officials on a daily basis. White supremacy is incredible. @MissBree
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GAH!! We must punish evil China for sending this horrible virus that is just a hoax so shutdowns are a ploy but God Bless Trump for saving the world with the miraculous vaccine we’re not going to take!!!!  — Mr MAGA Man
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My Sweet Anna K, I’m glad we had that talk, let’s continue it here. I dare you to love yourself even half as much as I love you. I promise that’s the impetus you need to take flight. How do I know? I have the same issue. The missed connection is that we never let ourselves connect with our own self, let alone each other. Your friend,  ~Delano
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Words Don’t Cut It, Stanley. Don’t tell me you love me with words. Say it with a kiss, and not just any kiss. Make it THAT kiss, or don’t even bother (with or without eye contact)   ~Peggy Leggie
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Joycelyn, you make me so happy, especially when you’re making your sauce or practicing songs on the piano. Not so much, when you’re breaking my heart.  ~Gerard

NW Philly Pack Walks Practice leash skills on this group dog walk through East Falls. Sundays 9:30 am to 10:45(ish) am. Starts/ends at McMichael Park (Midvale & Henry Ave). Free. All levels welcome. Meetup.com/Northwest-Philadelphia-Pack-Walk
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Hi There! I met a woman on Price Street who counted currency. Boy did her fingers move fast. Also, you couldn’t get a thing past her. Cunning and focused, nobody’s fool. Cheryl was her name. Where you at, girl? Please reach out. ~Dana B.
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“If you want a living wage, get a better job” is a fascinating spin on “I acknowledge that your current job needs to be done, but I think whoever does it deserves to be in poverty.”  #EatTheRich @GrittyNHL
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Most of the time, men are the shallows and women are the deep. This is almost a given. Almost. You’re about to get schooled in exceptions to the rule. Starting with you and me, Larry. It’ll all make sense soon.  ~Zanique in 422
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Things That Are Trashy If You’re Poor
But Classy If You’re Rich:
1. day drinking
2. speaking two languages
3. hard drugs
4. tax avoidance
#showmethelie
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Gorgeous Khan, thought I hit the jackpot when you called again from out of the blue. Martini’s and purple kush, far into the night! Waiting for the bus on Ridge next day, you kiss me like I’m leaving for Nam. Fast forward the 15th of the month when the Amex bill comes. How’d you spend $10k at Target? No wonder you ghosted me. Fool me twice, as they say. Got to hand it to you, ya pulled a gorgeous con.  ~Mark
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Did you know that Survivors of domestic violence are eligible for protections when it comes to utilities? Help us spread the word. Community Legal Services of Philadelphia @clsphila
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My Phair Lady
You blew me to the Smithereens but I just wanted to play you the new REM album. I’ll never be as cool as you but that night I felt like a god. Guess you could say it’s been downhill from there. So how are you? – Marshall Crenshaw
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Yo Deke why I ain’t hear from you, huh? We goin out again, huh? Whatchu up to, huh? Where you been, huh? When you gonna call me, huh? Huh? Huh? HUH!?!! HUH!?!! See how do you like how it feels? Back off, we just playing. ~Cuddle Bear
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Pippin, I’m trippin. My soul’s so cold without you.
The world is all gray, since you went away
And all my worst fears have come true. ~Sox
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Call me when you learn to tango, he said and at the time I was so hungry for acceptance I didn’t realize it was a shot at my moves, lol. I assumed he must be a dancer, scouting talent at Philly nightclubs and I was thrilled he wanted me to be his partner. Can you imagine being so naïve? Anyway that’s how I met your father and that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about him, Courtney. Also he’s somewhere in East Falls. Love, Mom.
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Does anyone know where I can get local postcards? I heard NouVaux Market had some but they sold out. I really want one with St. Bridget’s before they tear it down for condos.  ~Gelly
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Jonah, you made some big promises that day at Slices Pizza, and if I’m being completely honest I never actually expected you to keep them. I don’t know why I pressured you to say stuff neither one of us believed. Question now is: can we go back to being just roommates?  Before you answer, remember who owns all the furniture. ~Uli
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Your loss, Ross! I was your polyamorous dream come true. You just had to be honest with me but you couldn’t do that, could you? That’s wack, Jack! As soon as I’m done banging all your friends, I am GONE! ~Miss Cummings
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Rayleen, this might sound weird, but I love reading your handwriting. I’m not saying that I admire your penmanship. That’s not what I’m saying at all. That’s not what I said. I just mean that it has an artistic beauty to it. Not flair, I didn’t say flair, did I say flair? No, I didn’t. When in the hell did I ever even say flair?! It’s just beauty. Sheer, poetic beauty. Please write me soon.  ~Love, Mercury

Just Say No to Eugenics in 2020

Quit Playing Games! You lured me in with your Aaron Carter hair then stole my heart with your infectious Backstreet Boy routines. You made me feel special, till I found out you’ll do Everybody for anybody. I’m Inconsolable (really thought you were The One).  ~Just Want You to Know
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Great Jumping Jehoshaphat, Bessie! I haven’t felt this happy since that time I was temporarily abandoned at Hershey Park as a kid. Except you’re sweeter than chocolate and won’t give me a bellyache no matter how much I feast upon you. We’re not getting any younger, you know.  #marryme  ~Vic
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$600 ÷ 365 = $1.64
For just $1.64 a day, you can sponsor an American! @SallyStruthers
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Gotta hand it to ya, Miley aka the Queen of Bounce — that was the greatest date I have ever been on. You, me and a bucket full of Superballs, all sizes and colors, in that abandoned warehouse on Stenton Ave. Your boombox blasting out house music on a Sunday afternoon. It was like being in a John Hughes movie, I can’t stand it, I think I’m in love. What do you need from me now? How can we do this again?  ~Spike
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Tyler, Tom and Mitch I’m sorry I yelled but I was squarely adrift in the Crab Nebulae, when I was so rudely and suddenly awakened by your loud antics and excessive use of light switches. Please remember that I cannot see my galaxy ceiling projection unless the room is DARK. As the most senior resident of our shared abode, I deserve a little respect. Thanks for understanding.  ~ Rick
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EAST FALLS FARMERS MARKET
Not too big, not too small
Lots of personality
Saturdays 10am – 2pm
Under the Twin Bridges
Pro Tip: the meat guy sells
farm-fresh eggs
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ATTENTION!!!  Due to recent COVID spikes in East Falls, Manayunk and NW Philly in general, the following orgies have been cancelled:  East Falls Adults, NW Spouse Swap, Franklin’s After-Munch, Swingers ’29, The Big Yunker Yank, Proud Boys, Swimmer’s String Band, Nudes a Poppin Roxborough, Main Street Mingle and the Cathedral Village Furry Fest. Please check local listings for further cancellations and updates.  @phillypoly
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Corner of Warden and Calumet; I have never seen an old guy slip on ice with such a perfect combination of elegance and comedy. I was as impressed by your cat-like reflexes as I was amused by your cartoonish flailing and facial expressions. Better than a Carol Burnett rerun! Saw the whole thing from my office window, almost peed myself laughing. Meant to go down to see if you’re OK but I was in a ZOOM call and by the time it was done you were gone. Thanks for the show, whoever you are. – Beth G.
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Any zombie movie that doesn’t include hoards of people running towards the zombies to deliberately get bitten because they’re convinced it’s a liberal hoax is going to look pretty unrealistic now. #amiright
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Ryan, I know you’re the one reporting me on Facebook for jokes, stupid, I’m not serious. It’s called irony. What happened to you? You used to be a fun guy.  ~Paulie
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My FedEx dude is a stone cold fox
I don’t know what to do.
Every time I get a box
My thoughts turn super blue!
My knees grow weak, my head gets hot,
My body sweats and quivers.
He always leaves me so wound up
Yet glad that he delivers.   ~ M. Johnson in the apts behind Cloverly (second floor, front)
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Hey, did y’all stock up on non-perishable food early in the pandemic? And do you still have a bunch of canned soup etc sitting on your shelves ready to expire in 2021? Let’s all go through our pantries and take anything we don’t need to the Germantown Community Fridge – which isn’t just for refrigerated food. Why did I think I needed so many Cliff bars when I was shopping for the End Times back in Feb? Maybe someone else can use them!  — Claire #wastenotwantnot PS nothing expired, though (obviously)
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Funny how everything is a “handout” except generational wealth. – R. Hood #weseeyou

Janice, all I was saying is, when we finally get instant reliable COVID testing, I’m going to have sex with every single person who is down for it, period. Old, young, man, woman, whatever. Take a year off and make sure I get everyone who’ll have me. And no, it’s not the White Claw talking. ~So Ready Sally
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You: Julia Childs look-a-like
Me: Herman Munster look-a-like
Let’s play peek-a-boom. – Bobbie PS I’m crashing at Chuck’s till March.
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Hey, Lil why did you run? Of course I knew it was you following me home, sneaking your way through the alleys of Penn Knox like a panther on the hunt. Eyes practically glowing in the darkness, then disappearing into the shadows. I guess it’s nice you’re into me but I can do without the creepy laugher. On second thought, please stay the hell away from me. ~ Pete from Bumble
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Imagine being in your 70’s or 80’s, worth billions, and spending any of your remaining time on earth working to make sure your tax rate doesn’t go up, even if it means millions of other people your age will suffer. How is that not sociopathic behavior? @afterskool #AmericanPsychos
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This is for Marty, the tall gray hero who possibly saved my life when he alerted me to a puddle of unidentifiable liquid I might’ve slipped in on my rush thru the produce section last Thursday at Giant (Andorra). I’m sorry, I misjudged you and probably robots in general. You’re not so bad (and maybe kind of handy). Thanks.  – Gwinnie
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Stay alive for your other selves, the people you’ll become. You’re more than a bad week, a shitty holiday, a lost job. You are a future of abundant possibilities. You are another self at another time, looking back in gratitude that this lost and former you held on. Stay. #outofthedarkness
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Star Child, I really love how you and all the other hippie business majors think you can become billionaires via positive vibes and not unethical business practices. It’s so cute.  – Miranda
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Lady in Black with the Fly Shades: there you were that gray afternoon, staring down traffic on Germantown Ave. Posing with the art gallery window behind you, all eyes on you. Your confidence is dazzling and more intimidating than I care to admit.  – Edwardo
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Pennsylvania state reps/state senators stole $108 million in coronavirus relief? Congress gave it, our state government redirected the money for PRISONS! We needed that money for housing, mortgage, grants, and unemployment. Shame on you all. – Maria J. #VoteForPolicyMakersWhoRepresentYourInterests
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I hate when a discussion turns to helping people, and someone has to take the most ungenerous, suspicious stance toward others. If by helping legitimately needy people, we accidentally help some lazy ones, so what? How is that worse that not helping at all?  Jayson on Spangler
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They going to send more chaos.
When they think, we trying to come together.
Government knows the truth,
Abilities, worth, and nature.
Some ppl don’t understand,
The cover up is part of their master plan.
You cut off the head (Elderly)
The body runs wild.
You can manipulate, easily a innocent child.
Information is knowledge.
To read is key, but doesn’t guarantee.
That you will comprehend completely.
Facts are Facts,
Be careful how you move.
It’s operation population control.
At this point we must protect.
Our bodies, mind, and soul.
It’s a war right here,
Some been under attack.
It’s time to come together
And let’s mentally fight back.
The government needs us
More then we need them.
They beg for our votes,
Our tax money keeps them afloat.
You have to realize you have power
And not just hope.
Hope this, Hope for that,
But learn how to hit back.
They can’t stand an educated Human!
— L. Holt (Living in Germantown 12/27/20)
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In 2020, Biden won the popular vote by 7 million votes. In 2016, Trump lost the popular vote by 3 million votes. Both won the Electoral College by the same margin. The Electoral College needs to go.  @RBReich
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2020 was the culmination of 70 years of calcified post-war conservative politics, unchecked capitalist greed, and near complete civic disengagement by the largest generation in recent history. It didn’t come from nowhere, and there are clear cut roots to these problems and ways to fix them (and a long legacy of activist thought and discourse on these issues). But that means you can’t “go back to brunch” or “check out of politics” or “focus on X” to the exclusion of other things. Take that with you into 2021.  @spicypolitics.tumblr.com  reclaimphiladelphia.org

Thank you for reading this Month’s MISSED CONNECTIONS.

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About Karl Von Lichtenhollen 29 Articles
Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen is a doctor and fellow of the Applied Knowledges at Blödsinn Universität in Munich, Germany (1973). He was born and raised in the Nether Regions area of Holland, near Tainte, which he refers to fondly as a "Dutch Wonderland." Dr. Lichtenhollen once shared a houseboat in Amsterdam with the cast of a geriatric production of HAIR, inspiring his famous essay, "That Which I Cannot Unsee." He is a three-time recipient of the "Iron Feather" award. His hobbies include ascots, Highland wool sweaters and his pipe. He has a cat.

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