Wistfully caught in ticking traps, given a cozy bubble bath and delivered directly to your fidgety hands by Dr. Karl von Lichtenhollen
Dear Readers I dedicate this column to December 2020, the last month of the worst year in human history. Except for 1940-45, that Pompeii thing, those Black Plague years, the 400 years of slavery, all the years women were not allowed to vote (wtf?), and the year you were 13. Thank you. Carry on. – Dr K.
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Oh the virus outside is frightful,
And the news is not delightful,
There’s simply no place to go
Just stay home, just stay home, just stay home!
— Elf Off His Shelf
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Jenny Annidots Wherever you are, whatever you may have done, all you have to do is come home. We love you! — The Gumbies
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Drunk Tank Romance To all my friends who get on me bout how I drink vodka all day and night: shut the hell up cause I met my soulmate in the drunk tank last weekend. What had happened was Angie had also been drinking vodka all day and night. So like 1am she’s coming home down Bowman, creeping along with the parked cars like personal handrails. Some shirtless dude runs out screaming cause he thinks she’s breaking in. I’m watching from R’s porch, laughing my ass off. Not sure how I wound up in the squad car with her but that’s the magic of alcohol. Try it sometime. ~ Hoss Man
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Act Now for Instant Psychic Relief! Stop whatever you’re doing and listen to the Best of The Carpenters. By the time it’s over, you’ll feel right as rain. I promise. ~Thomas B.
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Alistair: All I’m saying is, I don’t know what I expected when you invited me back to your place to “tickle your gerbils” but it honestly never crossed my mind to take you literally. Still, I’m glad I followed you home for an explosion of cootchie-cootchie cuteness! Hopper & Boo have the fuzziest little bellies. Thanks, I needed that. – Ginnifer
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Fun Fact: It’s not actually a coup unless it comes from the coup d’état region of France; otherwise, it’s just a sparkling authoritarian takeover. @classylady
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I see you driving
Round town with the girl I love
And I’m like haiku.
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AB, We invented a whole new category of relationships. I agree, let us not slap a label on it. Naturally we shall proceed with caution as it is our mutual nature, but we do so with absolute honesty, respect and pure love. Let the fun begin! Love, GD
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Broke: Trickle-down economics
Woke: Piñata economics – it’s like trickle-down, except instead of fruitlessly waiting for the wealth to “trickle down,” you beat the rich with a stick until the money comes flowing out. #themoreyouknow
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Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke. – Paige #truestory
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Meet Me at McMichael
Find me random sunny afternoons, kicked back on a tastefully-striped LL Bean blanket. Glass of vin de soif balanced on my trusty Audubon guide. Shall we be friends? With a bowl of northern lights from my bottomless seagrass tote, let us begin. – Mrs E.
Gentlemen: the most important thing a man can do to be an ally is give his women friends permission to give dudes at bars his number so when they call he can angrily say “That’s not funny, because she died 15 years ago that very night.” — Zack
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Hey, yo, Gina or Jeannie whatever your name is. The girl at the market who keeps making my husband applesauce. WTF? If you’re trying to seduce him, try booze or bacon. The applesauce, he just brings home to me and the baby. I don’t want it and I’m sure as hell not feeding my baby some whore’s homemade fruit mush. Thanks though! – Terri
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Can anyone explain to me why this ice cream man is so relentless? This is ridiculous its every single day and it’s freezing cold. If you’re on here I’ll literally pay you the $14 a day to just please fucking stop. – TJ
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Life can wait — I’m busy livin’.
Dreams are great, but Fate is wicked.
Love endures the same as pain.
Survive to face the day again.
–Great Charlotte
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FOR ELEANOR Who would’ve thought, my dear? Our years of intimacies and indescretions could circle us back to the same trembling point of beginning anew. I always knew we’d get back together in the end. Merry Christmas to us. ~ Hugh
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Curbside at the Corner Store
NouVaux Market keeps you safe thru the year.
Order by phone, it’ll be ready for pickup when you arrive
215-438-7600
3539 Vaux St, East Falls
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I feel like this Holiday season, it’s important to remind people of the true meaning of Christmas: ghosts terrifying rich people in the middle of the night until they agree to pay their employees more. #godblessuseveryone
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Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted. – Ralph Waldo Emmerson
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Shannon and Felix, this is an INTERVENTION from your team members at the restaurant. Congrats on your relationship or whatever it is but for the love of god stop it with the baby talk! It’s gross. Also, we’re sick of lying to Felix’s wife when she calls, so please figure something out. – Evenings & Weekends (kitchen & dining room)
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Sweet Caroline, I can see the strain in your smile, the restless wind behind your eyes. I know how life goes on after your heart’s been gored. I see you rolling your eyes. Don’t make that face. Call me. It’s time. ~Bomp Bomp Baah
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Sir in the blue beamer at Wiss & School House: Thank you for rolling down your window, and asking was I OK. At that moment, I was in a really dark place — somehow you knew. “I’m fine” I said and suddenly I was. Just like that. (I wanted you to know.) ~Adelaide
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In the future all you’ll have to ask on a first date is “Did you wear a mask during the pandemic” and that’ll tell you all you need to know about them like do they believe in science and care about others?
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MAYBE WE HAD IT RIGHT in the 60’s? Love, peace, sex, good music, sharing, caring, bare feet, no bras, weed, free to be you and me……. Sounds good, doesn’t it? Certainly better than the mass consumerism and paranoia we have now. #justsayin
This is for Beth…. Bethann…? Betsy? B-something. We were the only two people doing drug tests at the Quest on Allegheny a few Wednesdays ago. I had the mason jar of pee they wouldn’t let me use. Sorry about your coat! I’m leaving cash for a proper cleaning at the clinic, lemme know what name to put on the envelope. ~Charles
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CZ, I was having a smoke alone on the back porch checking out the stars when a possum casually sashayed by. I remember you told me they eat ticks but this one went straight to my trash can. What the hell, live and let live, right? ~Diamond Dave
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According to my chocolate advent calendar, there are only three days till Christmas. – Yummy Bear
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Enough is enough. How many more days do we have to deal with random water shut-offs in this neighborhood? I paid good money to tell my friends and family that I live in the same neighborhood as Rendell yet now i’m forced to behave like i’m in third world country, washing myself by BUCKET & SPONGE. Can someone explain to me why the city can’t just shut off the water in Roxborough instead? You know the people in Rox only brush their tooth once a week anyway, they would NEVER notice, I promise you! — Joe J.
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Brother Sindell: Thank you for being with me through this, uncertain time. And for teaching me all those chants – the one that goes “kaka shilanga” still rings in my heart. I’m humbled, lucky and profoundly grateful to have you in my life. Peace and Love, Tarik
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Dear America, BWAAAAAAHAHAHAHA.
LOL!!! ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
With Utmost Sincerity,
Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth
Buckingham Palace, UK
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Hey watch how when Biden’s president I don’t wear his name on a hat or fly a campaign flag on my lawn for 4 years like a total weirdo. Watch me criticize his administration, because I’m not in a cult.
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Wishing you a merry lockdown and a happy nose smear! Spread JOY not germs! Let’s ho ho hope this’ll all be over soon (we’ll muddle through somehow). — Noelle
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ISO Grandmistress: One of our secret society members told me there was a certain lady who wished to play me at chess, fancying she could beat me. He hop’d I would not refuse the challenge. I play’d a few games with the lady, whom I found of very sensible conversation and pleasing behavior, which induc’d me to agree most readily to another appointment. Alas, she ne’er show’d. Certain Lady, should you care to play again, I will most certainly avail my self to you at your convenience. ~Benjamin.F.
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Like magic! He turned one day of losing into 18 days of losing – like the republican Hanukkah! Giuliani provided the oil from his own head. Eric L.
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Hey, hey, now, now —
We are a dangerous love. Full of landmines and razor wire. Clean cuts and gorgeous surprise explosions. In need of serious ventilation. I don’t know whether to run right in or run the hell away. ~Yeah yeah yeah
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What’s that? You need me to respect your Christianity and your dangerous belief in its superiority, at the same time you want to minimize/derogate the planet’s other 4,299 religions? I’m not your guy #BeReal @BrianSimsPA
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“Don’t force it” said the writing on the wall.
“Be loud, be proud” by the sink.
Bold black cursive above the toilet: “When did I have corn?”
The door was oddly blank, but I had my trusty sharpie.
“A fart is the lonesome cry of a captive turd,” I wrote.
~Joanie, out for coffee in the neighborhood
This is so exciting. My son turned 14 and now he knows everything. Everything! I don’t have to tell him anything anymore because he already knows. In fact, he knows more than I do AND more than his dad. We couldn’t be more thrilled. What a joyous time. – Dawn L.
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To my East Falls neighbor who won’t stop playing Rocky Raccoon: yeah, it’s a good song. I get it. Kudos to you for “discovering” the White Album, it’s only like the most famous album in the world. Here’s another great thing I’d like to introduce you to: headphones. ~Desmond Jones
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Overheard on the street: “Radical leftists are taking over the country!”
Right. Radical leftists can’t even take over the Democratic party. #bitchplease
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**Easy Home Covid Test**
1. Pour large glass of red wine, try to smell it.
2. If you can smell the wine, then drink it and see if you can taste it.
3. If you can taste & smell, you are negative for Covid.
Last night I did the test 19 times, all negative (thank god). Tonight I am doing it again because I woke up today with a headache, might be coming down with something. Wish me luck! — Tammy
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FREEDOM! Mikailah your love has opened my world. I’ve been so hurt for so long that this sudden joy is jarring. Patience, please. ~Jarell
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So…. Are we tweeting “You’re Fired!” at him all at once, or is there like an official schedule or sign-up sheet..? Just let me know. Standing back and standing by. – Madge
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Tall lady with the beagle-looking dog near Alden Park: what a cutie! Your pup too, lol. Thanks for letting me pet him. I run this route every morning, lemme know if you’d be up for coffee. Love your smile! ~ Blair
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Van the Man — when we last spoke you were clinging to a small raft of dignity through a roiling ocean of personal drama, much of which was entirely my fault. Gotta admit, it’s been a thrilling ride, huh?! J tells me it’s been smooth sailing since I left town. Well batten down the hatches, I’m heading home for the Holidays! PS I’m bringing Juju C U SOON! ~Bodie
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Post Election Allegory: Let’s say you have a bunch of friends over, and you’re deciding what to have for dinner. Some of your friends vote for pizza, and some of your other friends vote to kill and eat you. Even if pizza wins, you still have a serious problem. – The Doc
SAFER AT HOME! Coronavirus is extremely contagious, especially anywhere people gather indoors. Masks help significantly but are not invincible. Please practice social distancing this Holiday season. For the latest information please check with the City’s COVID-19 news feed.
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Elizabeth, we need to meet in the middle somewhere. You tone it down a little and I’ll kick it up a notch. I think this might save us all some heartache and, just maybe, you’ll remember why you like me. – Barnes
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Dear Leader! Wanna spray the Library of Congress with cat pee, or hunt down human beings for sport in the White House Rose Garden? Maybe watch me wipe my filthy bunghole with mail-in ballots? No conspiracy theory too improbable, no accusations too slanderous! My lack of integrity knows no bounds. ~Linda Kerns, ESQ
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Yo, Dingus — I said no birthday presents this year. What’s the idea with the White Falcon, then? Is this your way of telling me to get the band together again? Christmas is coming, have I got a present for you.
~Gretsch Girl
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Tisha, how we’d splash up Wister in the pouring rain, taking the long way from school. Rolling home, soaked to the bone. Wrapped in your aunt’s pink towels at last. Saltines and milk never tasted so good. Memories! ~HGD
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Is anyone seeing a new man named Leo? Fancy dresser, recently divorced – spends a lot of time in senior chat rooms. If you want to know how he is, I can tell you. I was his wife for 40 years and take it from me he’s a liar and a cheater and a deadbeat. Also he will tell you he loves your chili but then you’ll catch him feeding it to the dog. Beware! – Lavinia
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I just dont understand how someone could even try to sell cold desserts in cold weather. How dare they? And what kind of animal actually would patronize such business? I’ll tell you who. I saw this 4 year old sitting on the steps of the local public school, visibly enjoying a vanilla ice cream cone with blue dip IN 45 DEGREE WEATHER. He was clearly having the best day he’d had all week. And his mother was SMILING– she actually paid money for that thing and let him eat it! THAT’S OUR FUTURE RIGHT THERE. A generation of demons who eat cold desserts in mildly chilly weather, just waiting to burn our neighborhood to the ground. — Lady Watching Out the Window
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MISSING: My Faith in Humans
This is embarrassing, I swear I just had it. But at some point over the last month or so, it seems to have slipped away…? I’ve checked all the usual places in my heart and soul, only to find a troubling void. I think this might really effect my enjoyment of the Holidays. REWARD! ~ Hanna
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HIM: That Carly Simon song is funny because she says he’s vain for thinking the song is about him – but it is.
ME: No it’s not. The song is about her.
HIM: That’s so deep.
ME: Thanks I made it up.
Hi everyone, I just saw a squirrel outside and am trying to locate the owner. Wasn’t able to snap a pic but here is a description:
– gray/brown hair
– large bushy tail
– two eyes
– several feet
Please let me know if this sounds like yours or someone you know. — Kyle
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This is for Dalilah’s sister, Taisha who struck me as perfectly sensible when we met this summer. Thank you both for watching my conure while I was away. I understand Jasper is a charmer and may have said some things to lead Dalilah on. He’s just repeating what he’s been trained. He doesn’t really love her – or you, or me or anyone. He’s a bird. My bird. And I’d like to pay you handsomely for his care when you finally let me retrieve him. Please. Talk to D, I miss my buddy. — Tom.
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She waits in the air for me, but I’m too grounded for my own good. Have you ever wanted something so bad, you’d rather not have it? ~Carlos
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Many thanks to Councilmember Curtis Jones for helping bring McMichael playspace to life! Love, East Falls (most of us)
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Sorry, this bench is taken, he’s coming right back. Yes it’s cold to be out so late at night but it’s not so bad when you have company. His name escapes me but thankfully not his body heat. Peace on Earth, my friends. ~Tate
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If Philly’s new safe-at-home orders massively changed how you were living your life, it’s quite likely you’re the reason we needed to do this again. Try to take it seriously this time.
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What a Minx. She told me I had to love cats or we had no chance, which was weird since I was her accountant and she was calling about her taxes. But I do love cats! And yes there was a spark after all. Ladies, don’t ever be afraid to say what you want. – Samuel
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How dare you use the word “closure” on me, Howard. Ha! There’s NO getting over this, buddy. We will be voices inside each other’s head forever. Deal with it. ~Wyette F.
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Miss my fishing buddies, especially the guys with the big sticks who kept the rats off those steps by the Falls bridge. I miss the smell of canned corn and old hotdogs. Most of all I miss the bitter tang of catfish slime fresh from the river. #dontknockittillyouvetriedit — Doubie
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Don’t laugh. I let my girlfriend “shape” my eyebrows during quarantine last spring. At first it was funny but then I started sneaking her eyebrow pencil to touch them up. Now I’ve got tweezers, little brushes, the works. I’m ordering European contouring powders for men. I’ve never felt so alive or ashamed. ~ Adam
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Maria, your heart is my Holy Grail and my love is your Excalibur! Or maybe I have that backwards? I don’t know what I’m saying. Crap, I just wanted to impress you by making this grand statement, and now I feel stupid. Forget it. ~Caleb
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Kevin, Do you love me, or are you in love with me? I’m too scared to ask you in person. While we’re at it, what do you think of this haircut? (I don’t usually wear it this short.) ~Your roommate
Hey NW Philly, I have a Triple Dog Dare for you: Swing by the Local office (245 Chelten Ave) for free snacks & December newspapers to deliver to any seniors/shut-ins on your block. Make it a monthly thing, check in on your neighbors, see how they’re doing and catch them up on community news. Take some snacks for yourself, too. Say hi to Sheena & Lenora ~David H. Grace
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Hello, Nataya, thank you for your letters. Your poems are erotic, love-soaked gems. I will cherish them always or, at least, until my husband finds them. ~Simmi with the red jeep (Attic’s beer garden)
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Remember when there used to be all these articles about how people in Europe live longer than Americans because they drink red wine and eat more olive oil and stuff like that? Turns out it was universal healthcare the whole time. #whoodathunk
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Amanda. You are a defiant, creative force in the face of an onslaught of negativity. That you are so precious & delicate too only underscores your strength & resilience. I see you. I am in awe. ~TM
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A fallen enemy may rise again, but the reconciled one is truly vanquished. – Fredrich Schiller, writer/physician/historian (1759 – 1805)
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HEAD SCRATCHER:
If Trump has 5 kids by 3 women and is traveling west at 60 MPH how many Benghazis of Americans have to die of COVID before Republicans are as upset about that as they are about athletes kneeling? @OhNoSheTwitnt
Attention Local Parents:
NW Philly Mom’s Club is a local group that connects neighborhood moms & kids through playgroups, outings, service projects and more. @momsclubnwphilly
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Long shot, but I remember someone posting on here about a month ago that they needed a roommate. Does anyone in East Falls have a room to rent? My buddy in South Philly, wants to move out here to focus on writing songs. He’s also competitive hog caller. Any leads for a room to rent would be much appreciated. John C
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Anyone surprised that the party that’s won the popular vote only once in the last 30 years is all for subverting the will of the people? #notme
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LOWER FALLSERS: If my moonlit lupine rituals are disturbing anyone – particularly in the Calumet/Stanton area — please contact @DruidGrrl. I want to be a good neighbor but wolf goddesses gotta howl! Thanks for understanding. ~Diedre
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No amount of sham lawsuits can dispel the fact that when Donald Trump lost, the world cheered. #truestory
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Don’t just seize the day. Lay the day over your lap and give it a good spanking. You can thank me later. — Laura
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The head bone’s connected to the neck bone
The neck bone’s connected to the neck bone
The neck bone’s connected to the neck bone
The neck bone’s connected to the neck bone
The neck bone’s connected to the neck bone
The neck bone’s connected to the neck bone
The neck bone’s connected to the neck bone
There are seven cervical vertebrae.
— Captain Obvious
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Dear Santa,
Why do all my toys say Made in China? I guess even you can’t resist the allure of cheap labor. Oink oink oink, you capitalist pig! Signed your friend, Jimmy
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but accusations from a nacissist are confessions. – Grandma Josie
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They love me for my chicken feet! All the dirty dawgs in the Falls come running to Bee Bee for this very special and delectable experience. Good and good for you. Woof! @glucosamine
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Thank you for reading this Month’s MISSED CONNECTIONS.
Reply or place your own listing in one of three ways: 1) comment below 2) text 215-498-8874 or 3) email DrKarl@nwlocalpaper.com. If you are responding to an ad privately, please be as specific as possible so that Dr. Karl may properly assist. Thank you, my friend.
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