Missed Connections: November 2020

Wistfully smoothed and tenderly regarded by Dr. Karl von Lichtenhollen, who dedicates this month’s column to his father, Karlexander Sr, a renowned philosopher & popular Noord-Brabant talk show host.

***NEW COVID MEASURES FOR PHILLY***
As coronavirus infections surge, Philadelphia announced sweeping new restrictions to take effect Friday November 20 thru the rest of the year (until January 1, 2021). 

Restaurants — No indoor dining; outdoor dining (household members only, 4-seat maximum). 

Indoor gatherings — Strictly prohibited any size, any location (both public & private events). No parties, wedding, funerals, baby showers, football watching groups, visits or group meals between households.  

Outdoor gatherings — Limited to 10 person/1,000 sq ft; masks required, no food/beverages (ie masks on all the time), no fans at football games.

Fun Stuff — Sports prohibited. No theaters, cinema or other performing spaces. No bowling alleys, arcades or game spaces. No museums, casinos or libraries. No gyms or indoor exercise classes (outdoor ok). Senior & youth services remain closed. 

Retail Stores — Limited to 5 people/1,000 sq ft; masks required. 

Businesses — Barbershops, beauty salons & other personal services may continue to operate; masks required at all times. 

Parks, trails, playgroups, etc open for individual use only (no groups). 

Schools — Colleges/universities/high schools: online classes only. Middle schools, elementary grades & daycare: in-person permitted in accordance with Phila Dep of Health safety guidance. 

***INCLUDING NEW RULES FOR ALL OF PA***

Anyone who travels to PA needs to get a COVID-19 test within 72 hours of arrival or quarantine for 14 days. 

Masks are mandatory at all times in all indoor locations for anyone associating with people outside their household. This includes gyms, schools, doctor’s offices, public transportation and anywhere food is served, packaged or transported. In addition to social distancing. (Outdoors, masks are required if you can’t remain at least 6 feet from others.)

For the full list, see the City’s “Safer at Home” announcement (November 16, 2020).  

My dearest Critter, it’s been two years since “the stuffing incident” and I know you asked me never to speak of it again but this month is a big trigger, obviously. Thinking of you and wishing we could be together even though StoveTop is still much better than your family recipe. – Andrew

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Gotta level with you, Benton: when I’m into someone, it’s about the whole package, not just the one aspect and ESPECIALLY not just the physical one. Your one-sided approach doesn’t feel right. I won’t say I’ve written you off, but I’m certainly not fully engaged. If you want something more, I advise you move fast before things heat up between me and Juan Carlos.  – L.J.

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Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities.  — Voltaire

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Hey, when kids under 5 are crossing the street, even if they are halfway across the crosswalk, they might suddenly trip, or stop short, or drop something they are carrying. Especially if there is more than one child in the crosswalk. So when you are driving, and you’re turning your vehicle, if you could just wait a few more moments until the kids are *almost* on the sidewalk before making your turn, it is the safest thing for everyone. Thank you.  Alison

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Smile Everyone! I’m Robin and I’m here to tell you that life is beautiful, every day is a miracle, we are all children together on this magical life-giving orb in outer space! Please don’t ever forget I LOVE YOU!!!!

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We’re going to have to retire the expression “avoid it like the plague” because it turns out humans do not do that.  – Jenny

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Just wanted to say thanks to The Local paper, in response to the comprehensive coverage of all things WBC as well as all of East Falls. Next time I have a question, I know where to go.  – Don

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Out of all the things we need in our community, a 24-hour head shop at Germantown & Wister is definitely not one of them! – Viola

GOD IS PRO-CHOICE!
He gave humans Free Will for a reason. So Idk what all you pro-lifers are screaming about. If God won’t even make our choices, what gives you the authority to think you (or anyone) should?  — Tina B.

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Happy Anniversary, Ryan! Isn’t it wonderful when you connect with someone emotionally, spiritual and physically? And isn’t it the total opposite of that when, after 15 years together, you don’t? Like, AT ALL?! Whew, glad to get that off my chest. I know you’ll never see this because you have a weird issue with this paper and refuse to even look at it.  Love, Natalie

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For Babcock

True love is hunting me down
Like the wounded animal I am.
Running scared.
Panicked, exhausted,

Burrowed in.
Banking on my camouflage
To keep me from detection.

For the love of God,
Look away.
— Addison

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When it gets down to having to use violence, then you are playing the system’s game. The establishment will irritate you: pull your beard, flick your face to make you fight. Because once they’ve got you violent, then they know how to handle you. The only thing they don’t know how to handle is non-violence and humor.  — John Lennon

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To whoever left the brown paper bag with the decorative gourds and pumpkin on our steps (after seeing my post about decorations being stolen) I can’t thank you enough. It was such a kind gesture. I know in the grand scheme of things a few decorations isn’t a huge deal, but lately even little things can be really difficult to move past and your kindness means a lot to me. Sarah on New Queen

Looking for Amanda K, I think I have something you may have lost. It looks pretty personal, too. Definitely let’s talk soon at Jimmy’s. — Chico

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R-Girl: Where’s my secret friend? We used to meet at Inn Yard Park and cross the bridge to the private side of the river. You’re the spunky Fashion Merch major, I’m the middle aged guy with the tinted windows. I miss our lunch hours. – Mr. Brewster

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Pizzaburger & Fries on Calumet: I delivered your food last Friday and you were showing nice cleavage (quite attractive) and asked me if I liked what I saw. Well all I “saw” was COVID frankly that’s why I high-tailed it out of there. Keep your distance please.  – Al

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I think it’s very suspicious that L&I suddenly needed all the zoning again for WBC, because someone there made a mistake. But when they screwed up the specs for that Calumet development at Dobson, they gave the builder what he wanted without community input.  Just sayin. – Julie

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No one is asking you to apologize for being white or to atone for the sins of your ancestors. We are asking that you help dismantle the oppressive systems they built, that you still benefit from. @blackphillyradicalcollective

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This is Vince, I don’t know your name but we made small talk the other Thursday at Thunder Mug, a little after 11 am. You had on checkered Vans and a really cool ACCT shirt. I was gonna ask you where you got it but your phone rang so I just kinda nodded on my way out the door. You banged on the window though and waved at me as I was getting into my car. At least, I think you were waving at me. PM me if we have more to talk about, thanks!

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Good day to the individual(s) that stole a 6+ year old and fairly inexpensive bike rack from the back of my car this week on Vaux near Queen. Yes, I should’ve removed it. And, yes, some people still suck.  – Mike

FACT: The clitoris has 8000+ nerve endings and is still not as sensitive as a conservative man on the internet.  #awwsnap

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Admit it, Lynn. Dora’s a trap. No one that pretty and nice actually likes me. What I can’t figure out is, what’s your angle? How does it benefit you if she breaks my heart? You’re a wily one, for sure.  – Tad

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Ladies am I wasting my time?! Match, Tinder, Bumble, POF, all of the dating apps. Why won’t anyone meet up? Is it Covid? I’ll wear a mask, hell, I’d wrap myself in Saran wrap if you’ll let me see your face in person. I’m so lonely.  – Theo

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HAVE AN EAST FALLS LIFE, FOLKS
QUESTION: Does anyone know what the deal was with the naked dancing guy on Tilden?
A: Sometimes you just gotta dance!
A: Pics or it didn’t happen
A: Damn I missed a free show!
A:  Sorry about that, one too many tabs
A:  Mind your business
A:  Will there be a matinee?
A:  Was he wearing a mask?
A:  Sounds like Covid fatigue to me….

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What if dogs lick us because they know we have bones inside us, and they want them? #deepthoughts

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Hey everyone, we think my mom’s wallet was stolen when she was getting gas at the Sunoco on Ridge yesterday. Her credit card company called her in DC and apparently her card is being used up here. We are wondering if they might have tossed the rest of the wallet so if you see anything with the name Elia, please contact me. It was a big-three-fold wallet. Also be careful. Thank you.  Emily

I understand, Samantha, but getting offended by something a stranger posted on the internet is like choosing to step in dog poo instead of walking around it. You have a choice! #avertyoureyes Aunt Rosanna

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Can anyone explain the black SUV on Henry ave (near Bowman) that always has its hatchback open? Is it broken? Are the owners just wildly forgetful? Lately the windows have been down too. Is this a test? Are we passing or failing?!  Siobhan

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If cicadas are allowed to just sit in a tree and scream I should be too. #changemymind

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Last night after 8:30pm, I went to check my mailbox and there was no mail. On an off chance, I checked the mail again at 10pm. It was there! While I am thankful for receiving the mail, there is something wrong with it coming in after 10:30pm. Praying those postal workers are safe! — Tracy

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Theresa with the van – I lost your contact info. Still interested in your services, please contact me through Doug or stop by Franklins during skeeball practice.  — Jeff

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This Just In: Fireworks Restrictions Likely in City

New rules = no fireworks after 9pm (except federal holidays), and also you must be 150+ feet away from buildings/trees/power lines. First offense $100 – $300 (fines increase from there, up to $700). The bill was introduced by City Council, Mayor Kenney is expected to sign it into law.

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When we’re not hungry for justice usually it’s because we’re too full of privilege. @phillyprotest

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Thinking about preschool next year for your little one?  The Cooperative Nursery School is holding an online info session on November 18th at 7pm and we would love for you to join us.  CNS incorporates a nature, play-based, Reggio Emilia-inspired curriculum that encourages children to be life long learners. We would love for you to join us! @thecooperativenurseryschool (at the Unitarian Society of Germantown)

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Yo, I just witnessed a white woman in a sky-blue pantsuit fight two squirrels for a bagel in Vernon Park. Times are tough, I said and she was like Nah it’s the principle. Ok then.  — Zhin J.C.

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Psst. You’re an adult. You can drunk dial senators and NO ONE CAN STOP YOU! PS. McConnell’s office (202) 224-2541

HELP BUILD COMMUNITY
Literally! @HousingReparationsPhilly seeks hands to build homes. All skill levels needed, a great way to learn as you go. Sweat equity for sustainable material well-being of Black people in Germantown. Let’s make this happen again and again. Click to donate @HousingReparationsPhilly HousingReparationsPhilly@gmail.com

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Someone just posted about the mental health of one of the women in the ongoing political posts. I’ve been staying out of the fray but I will have my say. Mental illness is NOT a joke. 1 in 5 people will be affected by mental illness in their lives, from post-partum depression to schizophrenia. Disagree with her politics all you want but don’t joke about her mental health. –Carol

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I just discovered this app for my phone that identifies which of my high school friends would’ve joined the Nazi party in the 1930’s. It’s called “Facebook.”  #funnycauseitstrue

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Uhtcare: an Old English word for that worried feeling you get when you wake up just before dawn and can’t get back to sleep again because you’re anxiously thinking about things to come.  That’s like 2020 in a nutshell, amiright?  — Felicia

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I’m sorry, Sean, I don’t see why my student loan default is criminal. But big banks? Bail them out! The auto industry? Airlines? Industrial farms? Bail them all out! Fuck them, they should’ve budgeted better.  – Andrea

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Pennies From Heaven! That’s the song the seniors were singing when we first met all those years ago. You laughed at me for knowing the words! What a night that turned out to be! Do you still think of me? I tried to PM you on Facebook awhile back but never got a response. I hope you are well. – Jess from GHS

We can disagree and still love each other unless your disagreement is rooted in my oppression and denial of my humanity and right to exist.  — James Baldwin

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Curvy redhead with the sweet tooth at Ultimo weekday mornings. I’m the guy in the USPS uniform who’s been reading you the weather off my phone as we’re standing in line. Are we flirting or just making conversation? Let me know if you get a chance.  – Roderick

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Thanks to masks, my bitch face can finally rest.  #ahhthatsbetter

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Dear old uncle Daedalus
Grinned like Death when he talked to us.
Reeked to Hell of cheap cigars
And alleyways and corner bars.

“Don’t fly too high, you little shits
You might just live to pay for it.
The sun is hot, the ground is hard,
How fast a reckless life is marred.

Aim low where all the good fruit hangs,”
He’d tell us in his salty twang.
And even now I hear him thus,
Good old uncle Daedalus.

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EVERYTHING IS FREE
Bread, produce, diapers,
household supplies, more
Weds 2pm – 6pm
Sats 12pm – 5pm
at “The People’s Lot”
(Church Lane behind Uncle Bobbie’s Café)
215-720-1634
IG: @GermantownSupplyHub
germantownsupplyhug.org

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Woe to a community that spends more time on racism over racial reconciliation. Set the tone. Put a spirit of reconciliation foremost and it will be a light…a contagious agent of change and transformation. Germantown we can do better.—Joy I.

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At this point, if a clown beckoned me into the woods, I would just go. If a gaggle of rabid vampire geese invaded next week, that wouldn’t faze me at all. Please. I’d put some food out for them. Make ‘em pets. Heeeere honking demon fowl…. @bossybrows

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BE HONEST NOW: Is anyone really surprised that Donald Trump is trying to force himself on us after we’ve said no?  — Santiago M.

We’re all Stormy Daniels now, just waiting for him to finish so we can go to sleep.

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One of the biggest problems in the US is that people making $1,000/hour have convinced people making $50/hour that people wanting to make $15/hour are the problem.

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If race doesn’t matter take it off job, school, credit and rental applications. Thanks, Rafik

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Just want to thank the piece of human garbage that stole decorations from outside our house on Calumet….Thanks for ruining what was a nice day, like really why steal a small scarecrow and pumpkin sign from flowerbeds…. You could have bought them for cheap at produce junction. Nice job. PS……You Suck!…also Fuck Blake….just cause.   JK

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Good morning does anyone know how much vodka goes into scrambled eggs? Thanks! – Justine

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WHO’S DIVIDED?
BlackLivesMatter, MeToo & Occupy have generated more authentic public discourse on how racist, sexism & capitalism impact every aspect of American life. So when ppl say “we’ve never been more divided,” I have to wonder if it’s just that THEIR myth of America has been upended.  @HumanRightsCoalitionPA

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Hey, it’s Tyler at LaSalle. Does anyone know where I can find a bong after midnight? Been needing to replace mine for weeks but by the time I get off work, everything’s closed. Bummer.

Swag Alert: hey look it’s Gritty on a riding mower! All profits support Voting Rights organizations and outreach for the Georgia Senate Runoff this January 5th. Choose from men’s & women’s styles plus a “super soft” tee and also a tote bag! HURRY WHILE SUPPLIES LAST.  *Not affiliated with Four Seasons Total Landscaping.

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Prayer for the Preyed
God grant you peace from flight
Relief from fear
Safe refuge
And all the trust you need
To let me love you.
— Babs

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My Handsome Hero! So I was at Wawa getting my usual coffee (extra hazelnut creamer YUM!) which I always have exact change but except this morning when turns out I was short by 30 cents which is impossible so as I was looking for change in my pockets (I have a lot of pockets) suddenly the most beautiful human being in the world appeared and gave the cashier a dollar for me and even let me KEEP THE CHANGE! Who are you, sir? We should be friends!  — Mary the Fallser

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To the gentleman who smashed his cart into mine in the produce section of Save-A-Lot last week, don’t think I didn’t see you make off with my apples. Now, I didn’t take my time picking the best ones just for you to go grab them. Next time, get your own apples.  – Edith

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The safest communities don’t have the most cops, they have the most resources.

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Hey Caity I’m having a few people over to stare at their phones later if you want to come by. — Skylar

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If you get a LOAN at a bank, you’ll be paying it back for 30 years. If you ROB a bank, you’ll be out in ten. Follow me for more financial advice!  @funnylady

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For what it’s worth, canceling our Thanksgiving celebrations to prevent the spread of COVID gives us a great opportunity to talk to our kids about how entering someone else’s home and killing them off with a deadly disease you’re carrying is foundational to the holiday in the first place.  @mrotzie

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Thank you for reading this Month’s MISSED CONNECTIONS.

Reply or place your own listing in one of three ways: 1) comment below 2) text 215-498-8874 or 3) email DrKarl@nwlocalpaper.com. If you are responding to an ad privately, please be as specific as possible so that Dr. Karl may properly assist. Thank you, my friend.

Click Here for Last Month’s Missed Connections! 

 

About Karl Von Lichtenhollen 23 Articles
Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen is a doctor and fellow of the Applied Knowledges at Blödsinn Universität in Munich, Germany (1973). He was born and raised in the Nether Regions area of Holland, near Tainte, which he refers to fondly as a "Dutch Wonderland." Dr. Lichtenhollen once shared a houseboat in Amsterdam with the cast of a geriatric production of HAIR, inspiring his famous essay, "That Which I Cannot Unsee." He is a three-time recipient of the "Iron Feather" award. His hobbies include ascots, Highland wool sweaters and his pipe. He has a cat.

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