Missed Connections: October 2020

Aggressively coaxed, cruelly taunted and shamelessly indulged like spoiled offspring by Dr. Karl Von Litchenhollen

Lord, I find it really hard to believe in You when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning. Hear my prayer. Amen. — Calvin H.

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Horatio, you rock my world. I’m blinded by the animal appeal you radiate! Is it corny to say I wanna Fuku the Shima outta you? Not to be forward, it’s just like wordplay on how you’re hot as a nuclear disaster. Sexy, right? What’s up?!!!!  ~Gina Divito

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Valerie: I’m sorry I missed our date Friday night. Let me explain. Me and the gang were investigating suspicious happenings by McMichael Park when I came down with a case of the Jinkies. Wouldn’t you know?! The Ghost of Lafayette who’s been haunting here wasn’t an earthbound spirit at all but, in fact, an elderly neighbor trying to scare off a playground. ZOINKS!! Anyway with all the excitement I forgot to text you and then by the time the cops were done interviewing us it seemed too late to salvage the evening. I hope you’ll give me a second chance. – Norville
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Apparently ANTIFA is infiltrating the neighborhoods and could.. *gasp* … be our neighbor! If so, I’d like to have a welcome basket at the ready. Any suggestions what to put in it? (Soup cans and gas mask are an obvious add). Amy C.

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Mufasa’s Ghost Speaks:
Remember when Scar promised the hyenas a better life in order to use them to gain power but when they realized he lied to them they ate him? #parallels

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On a scale from 1 to 10: I’m the “1” you are looking for! You like to travel and try new things, with a dash of exhibitionism and spontaneity. Communication, intellect, flatulence and having an adventurous spirit are at the top of my list — but also a fan of good old chemistry. I’m seeking someone who’s deep, adventurous, trustworthy, philanderous, fun-loving, a great conversationalist — and someone who dreams big! You know who you are! ~Moi Aussi

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PLANTS FOR SALE!
Got a hankering for a 6 inch Monstera Minima?  Always wanted to see what you’d look like with an 8 inch Silver Satin Pothos? Find out at Safa Tea House in Manayunk, where their houseplant pop-ups have been ridiculously popular. 4165 Main Street, call ahead for info 267-748-2503

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I’ve learned the key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.  #happilyhenpecked

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Marty, I love tacos and Judas Priest. Remember me? Had a great time on the library steps Friday night. I did not know that you played the congas – at least, I assume you do after seeing your back tattoo. Nice! Meet you back there this weekend?  ~Kelley Driver
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It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.  — Voltaire

Are you seeking a girlfriend? YES YOU ARE! I know this because I have psychic abilities. I also know we are meant for each other. That you are reading this right now and thinking “This could be me.” Well you’re right, it *is* you! And every second we waste apart is a tragedy. No pressure, but you really need to come find me asap. HINT: check the cemeteries.  ~Duppy Doo
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Millicent you are Most Munificent to me! Though we will never meet alone again, I will cherish the memory of our stolen afternoon forever. Sugar Cream pie will always make me smile. Thank you, again, for giving me the bigger piece.  – The Mandrake
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Gram-Gram: We met on OKCougar, then lost touch. Then you reached out to me on SausageGrinder. Lost track again! If you see this, reach out to me again, this time on PowerStag.  ~The Accidental Horticulturist
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Attention Everyone: I have been inconvenienced!!! Do I have a lawsuit? –Chelsea the Yuppie in East Falls
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Hello,  I want to clarify a Missed Connection I posted last week before it’s printed. Yes, I am seeking someone to “brush hog my ditch.” No, I am NOT talking in code. If you don’t have a tractor, please don’t call me. Thank you.  ~Lori O. on Roberts
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Billionaires Don’t Care!
$20 billion could end homelessness in America – Mike Bloomberg could drop that tomorrow and still have $28 billion to his name. Global Warming is a $300 billion dollar problem: the world’s ten richest people could throw in $30 billion each and still have $386 billion between them. #selfishbastards

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Melissa, wherever you are — I’ll never hear Coltrane’s “In a Sentimental Mood” without remembering how we slow-danced in your dorm room, your naked chest against mine. It’s 3am, October, the Harvest moon lighting up your skin. That sad train off in the background, the frat dude puking one floor down. There we swayed: suspended till the music stopped. When’s the last time you felt like that? Will we ever again?  ~Cannon Ball Fred
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Attention Gentlemen
I’m not a complicated woman:
Wallet – Lipgloss  –  Keys  –  Cash – Phone
My job is average, and doesn’t pay much.
(Ordinarily I would have a side gig)
This time last year I was married:
Phone – Password – Lies – Ex – Wallet
My worth is precious, I don’t suffer fools.
(Normally, I wouldn’t have to say this)
Only reply if you truly see the value
In total honesty.  ~Ruby
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Voting is a chess move, not a Valentine.  – Rebecca Solnit

Ladies, I know it’s been awhile since a lot of us got a pep talk from a drunk girl in a club’s bathroom, so here are some reminders:
1. You look so fucking hot
2. Show off your tits
3. He doesn’t deserve you
4. Fuck him

Group (virtual) hug!!  — Queen B
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Hey Miss Donita, I give up! Why did you send me these foam knee pads? Who is “Peg” and what should I do to get ready for her? My curiosity is through the roof can’t wait to see you next time you’re in town!  — Gerald from the car wash place

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Lazee Birdie Johnson, get off your stinky ass!
The kids are in the garden, the dog is in the trash.
The neighbor’s in the laundry, hiding in our clothes
When out came a baby rat that snipped off her nose.
Love, Blackbirds
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Blows my mind that the Dem message for the 2020 election is “be decent, let’s kill each other less, save the planet, people should have rights” and half the country is like “fuck you nah.”  @boldblackinformed
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Gene! You said you would bring me to “nerdgasm” and you certainly delivered. How many times was it? I lost track after five. You blew my mind when you did that thing with your Magic The Gathering cards. Your mashup of Temples of Syrinx with Cara Mia Addio turned my spine to liquid. And how you teased me with your Battlestar Galactica stills! Baby, you really know how to please. Beam me up again soon! ~Trillian
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Insult to Injury: Someone hit our car (in front of Mifflin) yesterday and drove off. They hit it so hard that it was pushed onto the sidewalk, so naturally the PPA saw this and ticketed us for “parking on the sidewalk” too. You gotta laugh or you’d punch someone. — Amanda

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Madelyn, you are so uptight it’s untenable. I’d really rather get real loose like a long neck goose, and a wiggle and a giggle and a oooo babah babah (oooo babah babah)!!! If you knew what I liked, baby, we wouldn’t be playing this game. Let’s go or move along. I have enough friends.  Peace! Nutmeg guy from the coffee shop that plays the Oldies Station.

Rusty, indeed, there IS a fine line between being an aficionado and a pervert. And now that I know which side of this line you are on, I will pray for you. From a distance. And try not to judge. PS Replace my flashlight and we never have to speak of this again.  – Jason
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#TRUTH
Apartheid was legal
The Holocaust was legal
Slavery was legal
Colonialism was legal
Legal is a matter of power, not justice
#resist
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The first thing people notice about me? My big mouth. You can hear me from a mile away. When my sons were growing up, they’d be out playing and it’d be dinnertime so I’d come on the porch and call their names. They could be clear up the Avenue, they come running. The whole neighborhood would hear me calling, send those kinds home. I didn’t say it was a good story.  ~ Janet B. on Tulpehoken
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I’m telling you, Lou, you can’t eat like a kid anymore, all those beers and hoagies are adding up on you. Look at your puffy face! The gray tint to your hands. Your heart’s gonna explode out of your ribcage any day!!! At least promise me if you feel this happening you will get away from the good carpet (aim for the kitchen floor if possible). Thanks! ~Bertha
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If you had to choose between being eaten alive by a snake or doing 2020 all over again, what kind of snake would you choose to eat you? I like pythons!  — Mama Octopus

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Not-So-Fun Fact: Desperate people make ideal workers and distracted citizens. In case you’re wondering why society is collapsing. Don’t worry, the billionaires are making record profits! #sarcasm @campuspgrogressives

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Reformed Super Villain seeks kindred miscreant for mildly malicious (and mostly harmless) infractions in the Big City. Looks/age/gender irrelevant. Must be crime -positive with your Evil years behind you. I’m Professor Bedlam and I look forward to your call!
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QUESTION: Who takes old tube-type televisions, cordless telephones and answering machines? It’s Mr. Cardigan Here, looking to unload a stellar stash of 80’s electronics. Probably all broken, I wouldn’t know (I’m more of a sweater expert). Who wants?
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When political views result in the suffering of other human beings, they cease to be political views and become moral choices. #dotherighthing2020

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Yes my CamBoy biz business has exploded since March. You could say I’m spreading smiles while our community needs joy most! I just hope you will all remember me when this pandemic passes. I won’t say I’m a hero (but it’s ok if you do).  @LongDDng69

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TWENTY YEARS AGO:
She held her Sky Blue crayon high
Against the morning firmament —
Nope, she said at last
And continued coloring.
~Her Fan for Life
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Home Schooling Update: If you see my kids outside pulling weeds and crying, mind ya own business, we on a field trip! Clarice on Pomona

OK this is Martin and what I’m about. If you have problem with me not working right now and I don’t drive, please don’t waste your time & mine! If you are looking for someone who DRIVES a CAR I’m sorry I do not drive but I am working on it I might take public transportation once we know each other. But I can’t drive a car. Also, we make plans to meet, and you cannot make it, please have the courtesy to let me know. I do not smoke or take drugs of any kind that you know of. I drink Sociably. I love good food with meat and music you can dance to. I do sit ups push ups on the mats. Treadmill, Elliptical, Stationary bikes and the University weights also the stair master. I’m in West Germantown thank you.
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Shep! Are you still in East Falls? Corie won’t stop blasting fireworks off your Aunt Di’s roof and now the Flynns are freaking out. Someone’s gonna need to kick his ass and you’re the biggest Foley we have since Ryan got locked up. How soon can you get to Rita’s? (Don’t worry, she’s on the wagon.)  — Dawn
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8 million Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t salute the flag.
200,000 Amish don’t stand for the national anthem.
One black man kneels respectfully and all hell breaks loose.
Now you know why he’s kneeling.
#blacklivesmatter
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Greg if you see this – I lied when I said it didn’t bother me that you volunteered as a Shriner Clown every weekend. Of course it’s great you entertain sick kids! But when I saw you dressed as “Chappy” in your big purple top hat with that creepy greasepaint grin, my feelings for you changed irreversibly. Did NOT help that this was after midnight and you weren’t wearing pants. (Not for me, sorry.)  – Cyndi

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Dear Missed Connections, I am literally typing this right now as it happens. I’m at Inn Yard park, it’s Brenda, and there’s a couple sitting like ten feet from me and I can hear every word they’re saying!!!! Oh! She knows about Lisa! He says it’s a lie but she has proof ooooh! He’s so busted!!! I can’t believe this is happening right here right now in front of me. She’s throwing HER SHOES at him!!!! That’s her screaming!!! She says she’ll show him a scene! Look she is tearing up fistfuls of grass! Throwing dirt in his face! Now she’s heading my way, gotta go!

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They told people to voluntarily die for the sake of the economy and the economy is tanking anyway. It’s almost like the key to saving the economy was to address the public health crisis and not invite corporations to raid billions of dollars in taxpayer money.  #gofigure

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August Love, I like your style and your smile! Tell me more how migratory butterflies make the perfect international assassins. Say the word and I will meet you after work with that local mycology book I told you about. ~Dolph
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My wife has cancer, it took 5 months to wipe out 20 years of life savings – and we had insurance! I am so angry. We did everything we were told. We went from college straight to full-time jobs, we kept out of credit card debt and saved a nice chunk of money in the bank and our 401k’s. I feel like a dupe now, all that money is gone! Plus 15 years of equity in our house! From just one medical emergency. What happens if she goes back in the hospital? What if I get sick? This is the best healthcare system in the world? I hate it and anyone that defends it. – Tom E.

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Lookit Lady Marmaduke, when we met random like that and got blasted together down by the river it was like a whole new day. Technically it was a new day cause it was at 4am.  Anyway happy to make another exception to my no fatties rule. Hit me up Thursdays after 10pm. Hope I stumble into you again. ~Reggie

The older I get the more I side with the witches from fairy tails who moved out to the woods and killed people who bothered them.  – Drew N.
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David Did You Know it’s T time every Wednesday at 2pm by the waterfalls. I enjoy fishing but what we do is up to you, as always. ~T
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Pandemic Report: I just passed my landlord without him recognizing me. This facemask is really working! Stay safe on everyone. Lynn H.
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Corina P. on Walnut Lane: I saw in your listing that you’re looking for a “partner in crime.” What are you looking for exactly? A safe-cracker? Getaway driver? Alarm specialist? I assume this is a bank job?  It’s been awhile my last heist but you seem like nice lady so I’m thinking I might come out of retirement for one last big score. We can talk more at Falls Deli.  ~Ice Pick Willie
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Honestly, Mr. Buckyballs, I was flattered I could hold your attention as long as I did. Dating you was unlike any relationship I’ve ever been in. Go on and save the world with your giant brain. I am proud to call you my friend.  – Betty Selwyn
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Richard it’s late and I wish I could tell you what you want to hear but I let Mack kiss me because he’s sad and lonely and honestly it’s flattering to be looked at that way even for a minute. Don’t make this out to be more than it was. I’m still the same boring old housewife you’ve been taking for granted all these years. Now go back to your sports game, dear.   – Sondra
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Hey Paige I thought you were so cultured when you said you wanted to “walk into a Seurat painting.” Then I caught Ferris Bueller’s Day Off again – that scene where they go to the museum. Watching Cameron get sucked into “Sunday Afternoon,” I could see where you got that idea from. FYI: no need to act fancy with me, I like you as you are. ~Dougie
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Hazel Eyes, Eagles Hoodie: Our hands touched over bagged cherries at A&N Produce, whoops! We both looked taken aback to be in each other’s personal space. Breaking rules has always been a rush for me, I must admit I was a tad titillated. Hoping for a chance to say hello.  – Derren
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My neighbors on Stanton are having a huge party with a band with no masks in their yard!! As an anti vaxxer who is positive that COVID is a hoax, I am furious that they didn’t invite me to hang out and breathe their air!!! How should I react to this slight?? Throw my own party that is bigger and louder with more people? Leave a note in their mailbox explaining basic etiquette??? Please help!! Mariah A.
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To Whom It May Concern, God bless the Rocky Mountain Music Man himself: John Denver. That’s my missed connection. If only I was born 50 years earlier. Soar light and free forever, Country Bard!  ~Carla
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Oh my gah Bethany I just love your vocal fry and the affectatious way you hit your S’s way too hard. Forgive me for asking, but aren’t you a little long in the tooth to talk like that organically? Nevermind, you’ll do.  Let’s have that second date after all.  ~Bradley
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So, you can justify your fear of all Muslims because one might be a terrorist. But you don’t understand that People of Color fear all cops because one might be a murderer?  #doublestandards
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Hi, I’m Gary your local Carnal Sommelier. Here to report that currently I sense notes of ambergris, lemon grass and a light cask nose. Rosehips start and a rotund finish. Enjoy with extra chode. ~Gary
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I’m New Here!!! I hate mushrooms and blue cheese, can’t drive, and wish I could play the piano. Also I am in the 7th grade. I am sharing my mom’s computer for school! I hope I don’t have a kid like me when I grow up because my mom will rub it in my face.  ~Kai Brown

Fun Fact for all the Patriots: The Trump family has ZERO record of military service in five generation, two world wars and over 150 years. Let that sink in!!  #stolenvalour #voteoldgreg
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I know you’re out there, You likely possess several real arrow heads. You wear perfectly worn jeans, a black tshirt and a loose thermal Henley. I’ll tolerate the Dream Catcher. You listen to vinyl to hear the scratches. In my fantasies you drive a Celeste Blue 1963 Alfa Romeo Giulia Spider 1600. You have fantasies, too, I know. Can’t wait to hear them (unless they’re weird).  – Rose of Sharon
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Malcolm, We met at Peter Sichel’s townhome recently, I’m sure you’ll remember me. I exude a fruity floral vibe that speaks of sun-drenched days, and nights that linger long in memory. I am a captivating contemporary siren, enthralling all in her wake. Around me you sense Sicilian cedar, apple, bluebell, bamboo, jasmine, white rose, citron wood, amber, and musk. I am a woman no man can resist; hence I have nothing to prove. Call me now, I’ll prove it. ~Yonie
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Judging by the pics we exchanged Ginny, I had expected to be disappointed. Imagine my relief, then, when we finally meet and it’s clear you are much more MaryAnn than Ginger. Huzzah! Now I really want you on my island.  ~Grumbalicious
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Gish, darling, I dream of us one day inhabiting a cozy, typical Solognote house renovated in a wild flowery and wooded setting. With an angry cat and the smell of winery grape vines. See you there!  ~Iris J. Snorfenblum

View more MISSED CONNECTIONS SEPTEMBER 2020

About Karl Von Lichtenhollen 22 Articles
Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen is a doctor and fellow of the Applied Knowledges at Blödsinn Universität in Munich, Germany (1973). He was born and raised in the Nether Regions area of Holland, near Tainte, which he refers to fondly as a "Dutch Wonderland." Dr. Lichtenhollen once shared a houseboat in Amsterdam with the cast of a geriatric production of HAIR, inspiring his famous essay, "That Which I Cannot Unsee." He is a three-time recipient of the "Iron Feather" award. His hobbies include ascots, Highland wool sweaters and his pipe. He has a cat.

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