Missed Connections: September 2020

Frantically, yet delicately captured in a hand-woven craft basket that really brings the room together

I love masks! I can’t believe I let ya’ll just breathe on me before. And while we’re at it, stay 6 feet away from me forever. Thanks! – L.B. Shartshooter
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Hello playful Procyon, this is totally Sirius. From the planetarium (I introduced myself as Ted). You say you find my passion for planets most prurient but upon further consideration I must confess I haven’t diddled with my telescope in years. I wouldn’t know Lepus from Columba. So thank you, no. Good luck with Orion and The Big Dipper.
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Question for the Gentlemen: if it’s so normal and well-intended, why don’t men tell other men to smile? Please explain. #imwaiting
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FREE to Good Home
One Ouija board. Safe and effective. Need to unload it QUICK.
~Scared Shitless
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but: The Post Office doesn’t “lose” money. It’s a public service. Transit agencies don’t “lose” money. They provide a public service. We don’t say the military loses money, or our roads lose money, do we? It’s the same thing. They’re all essential services. #dontbestupid
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Rosalita,
You’re right, I owe you an explanation. All those selfies you constantly post? I just CAN’T! The duck face and all the filters – do you think that looks good? If you want to lie about being away on vacation, at least get the background right. That wasn’t NYC it was London, dummy. I’ve never said this to anyone before but I’m outta your league. Sorry.  ~JC
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People be like “Do what makes you happy” then complain when I’m drunk again. #makeupyourmind
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Hey Locals, I’m looking for some romantic night outdoor dining spots near East Falls within 10-15 minutes. #hopingtoscore  Thanks, Jace

WANTED GTWON/EF AREA HEIRESS
Perfectly unremarkable male conformist seeks agreeable female protagonist for the next chapter of his life. Now that Mother is gone I am eager for another woman to mold me into a better man. Must like bland food and open-toed shoes.  Please send me a sign!  ~Peter F. Wilburton VXI
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“Right is right, even if everyone is against it, and wrong is wrong, even if everyone is for it.” —William Penn, famous Pennsylvanian Quaker

“Truth never damages a cause that is just.” —Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi (2 Oct 1869-1948)

“No amount of belief makes something a fact.” —James Randi, magician and skeptic (b. 7 Aug 1928)

“All great truths begin as blasphemies.” —George Bernard Shaw, writer, Nobel laureate (26 Jul 1856-1950)
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Wanda, wait, did you say you’re venomous or monogamous? The party back in January was very loud and your teeth are a little pointy. I’m sorry that memory just dawned on me now, but it’s important that I know the answer before we proceed. Thanks. ~Mark
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If your view of the world is that we have enough homes and food for everyone, but if we give it away for free then our economy will collapse, I’m afraid you’ve chosen money (an abstract concept) over living beings with intrinsic value. Wrong choice. You have been brainwashed by a destructive, exploitative system. Humans should not have to earn the right to stay alive. #thereisplenty @storyofstuff
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*** ATTIC BREWING ***
Sundays from 12-4 we’re hosting a Germantown Outdoor Market. Food, crafts, baked goods, come see what’s here and enjoy a fine beer! VENDORS: contact info@AtticBrewing.com for more information. Support local small business!!
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The most valuable possession you can own is an open heart. The most powerful weapon you can be is an instrument of peace. –Carlos Santana, musician (b. 20 Jul 1947)

I dreamt that my hair was kempt. Then I dreamt that my true love unkempt it. –Ogden Nash, poet (19 Aug 1902-1971)
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People on unemployment are making more than their actual jobs, and your FIRST THOUGHT is “y’all are taking advantage” and not “Wow so the money to pay everyone a livable wage was there all along” ??? And y’all don’t see how Capitalism gave you worms for brains.  #smh
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He walks the horizon
He falls with the stars
He travels the world
Without leaving my arms.

His heart, an enigma.
His motives are blind.
His thoughts spin like whirlwinds
Thru the maze of his mind.

Christopher James
Christopher James
Magical boy with the fairy tale name.
My love an inferno then flickering flames
When teased with the breezes of Christopher James.

Love, Carrie
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Hey where are you? This is for Shay. I know I said this earlier. When I drink, I love. I’ve been drinking today, I’m talking day drinking, baby. Shay. Shaaaay. It’s night now though, ha!! What does that tell you? I’ll tell you what! When I drink, I love! Did I say that already? So that’s why <unintelligible> Whoops that’s gonna hurt in the morning. Put this in the paper, I mean it! ~ Tiffany Howard, East Germantown.

A Proposition for the Single Folks
I would like us all to consider adopting a new dating protocol. No more nights out! Switch to morning dates in the bright unforgiving daylight and – here’s the kicker – we show up like we just rolled out of bed. This way, if there’s a second date, we can get gussied up and savor the delight of seeing each other at our best. Yet knowing the true beauty beneath the polished veneer. Who’s in?  #willtryanything
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Where my Trump Girlz at?!
Y’all are hard to find in this town full a Libtards. Something wrong with them, it’s like they don’t hate nobody. They just hate the USA! Well I am deplorable seeking despicable and hopefully ignorant as hell. A girl who don’t think too much, or at all. Like, I’d sell her a quarter for twenty bucks and she’d thank me for the favor. That kinda gullible! Hit me up, Trump Girlz, lemme walk ya thru my QAnon flow chart. No mask (or other restrictive fabrics) required. Quick question, can you get Covid 19 from golden showers? ~Jake the Snake, Oil Salesman
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Me: It’s not illegal to be rude to cops.
Them: Well if you poke a bear, what do you expect?
Me: That’s why we don’t make bears cops.
#duh
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FULL DISCLOSURE: If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history.  Ivan the Idiotic
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You know, Ronnie, if you don’t enjoy my True Crime shows, we don’t have to watch them. Feel free to pick something else – anything else! I’m not the bad guy, here, sure we can swap out the murder re-enactments, just make up your damn mind what to put on the TV instead!   — la Murderino
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I’m looking for a romantic partner near East Falls within 10-15 minutes.  #theonethatyouwant
Thanks, Jace
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Sorry, Sonja, my mistake. I thought “pansexual” meant you were literally into the Greek god Pan. You know, the guy with the goat horns and flute. That’s why I laughed, I wasn’t making fun of you. I honestly was unfamiliar with the term! Frankly it’s none of my business how you identify sexually – you started the conversation. Don’t get mad at me if I don’t know what you’re talking about!  ~Mirandon
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Gonna be blunt: a lot of you would not have supported MLK Jr back in the day. You would’ve sided with the Birmingham Police Department. And at this point, it’s easy to tell who you are. We see you.
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Why Is It that tall people are expected to use our reach to grab any old thing anyone shorter needs to get but if I were to ask my short friend to pick up something I dropped it’d be insulting??? But they’re closer to the floor!  — OC in the City
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Hey wait! I can’t stop wondering about stupid shit. Like, somewhere in the world I bet there’s somebody with my dream job that hates going to work every day. If only I could, like, tell their boss to fire them and hire me!! — OC again
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Use caution when describing barriers. Being Black is not a barrier for me. White supremacy is the barrier. Being female is not a barrier, but patriarchy. Name the systems of power, those are the barriers. – Felis Leah
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Dear Douchebag on OKCupid,
Let me get this straight. You ask to connect, then wanna talk about my “hot friend” with the red hair.  And I’m like that’s my best friend, and you were like “Yeah is she single?” I tell you she won’t like you but you make me send her your pic and of course I’m right. You too short and ugly lol!! So now you want to get with me and all? Bruh I’d rather lick a dumpster clean.  ~Shelle with the cutoffs (Denise doesn’t say hi)
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Hot off the Pasta Press!
A variety of delicious specialty products from South Philly’s famous Superior Pasta Company right here at NouVaux Market. Cheese, lobster and vegan ravioli. Lasagna and eggplant parm! Homemade sauces too. Lots of other great local items at this unique corner store in East Falls @nouvauxmarket (Vaux & Tilden Sts, East Falls) Buon appetito!

Yo, Uncle Eddie, Remember when you donated to have the Mexico wall built because you’re racist? Those guys stole your money because you’re also stupid! LOL!!! – Nancy’s kids
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Carful, Van. When I asked Jayna if she ever had Five Guys she was like, “At once?” I think you’re outta your depth, dude.  – Cousin Mike
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This one’s for me. After years of disliking how I look, I finally figured out: I’m not ugly, I’m just not my type. Right? I don’t know why but I find this thought immensely freeing.  — Amanda Bee
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Hey let’s do the 10-year challenge!

2009 AVG Rent: $886
2009 MIN wage: $7.25

2019 AVG Rent: $1,476
2019 MIN wage: $7.25

Fun!!!
#capitalism #winning
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Dandelion you know who you are.
Only we know what we had.
They say Dirt is matter out of place.
I say Everything is as it should be.
Life is long, you know how that goes.
Only we know what we have.  ~Cloverly
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Deanna on Dauphin you are basically walking, talking click bait. What I mean is that you are very attractive so people are all over you but then they bounce once they find out what a zero you are. Honey you don’t deserve this but you need to work on you.  — Chevonne
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Hello, Have nice Day! My friend found here a good guy and they are Happy. Do you speak Russian? I am Belarus with dog in North Philly. I am looking serious men only!  ~Tati
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ProtestPhilly.com connects you to meaningful, non-violent, grassroots marches and demonstrations happening every day in our city. Quickly browse times/locations/organizers to literally find a movement at a glance.  Take it to the streets, for a better world everywhere!  #blacklivesstillmatter #resist #2020election

ISO Artists & Activists
Mission Incorporated needs YOU for a dynamic Voter Education & Civic Engagement push these last few weeks to the election. Send pitches/submissions info@missionincdevelopment.com for details on how YOU can help topple corrupt systems for a better Black future. #boldblackinformed
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Clive, the voicemail I left you was AT LEAST two hours long, I played it back several times before sending it. And I don’t think you heard a word of it! Think I’m flapping my gums just to hear myself talk? Well, sure, but also you need to listen or nothing’s gonna change. ~Alyssa
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Sorry if it grosses you out, Brenda. All I said was that when you bake your bread, you’re giving thousands of yeast organisms false hope by feeding them sugar, then ruthlessly baking them to death and eating their corpses. ~ Zack (Bob’s friend)
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Yo, 2020 is what happens when you mix up cards from your tarot deck and Cards Against Humanity.
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You grew up on Calumet and told me all about how rough the neighborhood used to be, how there was like a “posse” of white guys running around, chasing all the poor kids from the projects. But then you also say this used to be such a great place to grow up, like a big happy family. Cognitive dissonance much?   — Leon F.
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EF FARMERS MARKET
Fresh Seasonal Produce
Cheese, Honey, Flowers, more.
Crafters, artisans, community.
Every Saturday 10am – 2pm
Under the Twin Bridges
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**Plan to Save Post Office**
Young people, call your grandparents and ask them if they got the card you sent. Important: DO NOT send card! When they say no, tell them in a very sad voice, “Oh that’s too bad…. I heard that Trump was really underfunding the mail….”  #mwahaha

There’s a button. If you press it, all world hunger and climate change will be solved and you and everyone else will have stable access to a safe home. But! All of the world’s billionaires will lose some of their money and power. Do you push it? #thisisnthypothetical #wehavethebuttondumbass
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We met on Match.com and at the end of the our first date you started sprinting away like you were trying to beat your best time at the Olympic Track try-outs. But I saw you left your purse behind, so I grabbed it and chased after you until those security guards tackled me. Sorry I kept screaming your name but they were not going to let me go until you talked to them. Anyway thanks for an exciting evening! Call me!   ~ Joey Big Teeth
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Nice move, Brian in his shiny new condo. You sneak your ex-girlfriend on our first date to size me up, huh? Too bad she’s so fun! We were texting back & forth, right under your nose. Soon as we ditched you, we hit the James for drunken slushies with some lugheads from Roxborough. Can’t wait to hang with her again, she’s a trip.  #stayinsingle
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Beer Dude: It’s FanFare from Tinder! We did an early night thing at WBC. We sat at those two tables by the planters and hit the IPAs. I think I stopped at two but I was nervous. Also I was hitting my vape, which always makes me talk too much. Anyway I think I may have told you I’m pansexual but I don’t even know what that means. Still interested? I’m around.
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PRIORITIES 2020: Our government did almost nothing to protect us from a deadly pandemic, but has mobilized overnight to beat down every uprising and militarize our government against citizens. #wakeupbeforeitstoolate
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ABOUT THAT DATE…
I go in for a kiss but instead of meeting her lips, to my shock and confusion I seem to end up in her mouth. I don’t know who taught her how to kiss but she was like eating my face!! I didn’t know a woman’s jaws could unhinge that wide – she could probably fit a medium-sized cat in there, whole. It’s just too weird for me. This ever happen to you?  #tellmeeverything
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Time to pull out the “ex file” – my name for the big box of crap from our relationship, that I haul from one shitty apartment to the next. I can’t throw it out, see, because it’s all I have left of you. Pathetic? You bet. Should I be over you by now? Absolutely. Is this whole post just a cry for help? Please come back, Ari, and we’ll figure that out together.  ~Heartbroken Hoarder
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Imagine, if you will, a people so conflicted they will scream “ALL LIVES MATTER” while simultaneously refusing to wear a mask to protect all those lives that supposedly matter so much to them.  – Rod S. from Twilight Zn
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NO JUDGEMENT!  I was sitting in my car on Greene, waiting on a coworker when I saw you slap a sticker on the mailbox there. You were gone in a flash, so of course I had to go look what it was. It’s some sort of cartoon of a guy with a pointy head. I think there’s a jack-o-lantern behind him? It says “Eat Shit White Pride!!!” with some arrows and stars as decoration. I’m not sure but I think I feel neutral about this. Would love to talk more. —  Akira  @gtown_dawning

I can’t tell you what to do with your life but if you try to answer one of these Mixed Conniptions you will be led down a rabbit hole of ridiculous questions and impossible tasks so that you never get to meet the person. You get so close! But then something weird always happens, like the last guy was shot into space on the Mars rover. I’m like, Okay but what are the chances?  — Nyssa Marie (GHS ’86)
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America’s gotta be the only country where when you see someone wearing the flag, your first thought is “they probably racist AF”
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To all the hot phlebotomists out there – my eyes are up here, folks! I can’t stand you all leering at the thick veins in my arms, like they’re “begging for a stick!” Well I’m more than just an easy draw, you know. My sum is greater than my circulatory system.  Sincerely, Sacré Bleu
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I am a woman who taught crafts for 30 years. I find that five doll needles pushed through the skin on the wrist is better than an orgasm. Change my mind. – Mrs Ritzman
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Ya know, you can give a man a fish and THEN teach him to fish once he’s had something to eat. It’s probably hard to learn anything when you’re starving.  #bekind
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QUESTION: If smoking pot causes short-term memory loss, what does smoking pot do?
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Don’t be frightened, it’s perfectly natural! Death is a part of life and very sexy. Seeking a Special Someone who would like taking a very cold bath with me and dry off lying perfectly still on His/Hers concrete slabs in my backyard overlooking the Wissahickon. Goths and Preps to the front of the line.  ~H. T. Mortimer
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A fact is information minus emotion.
An opinion is information plus experience.
Ignorance is an opinion lacking information.
And stupidity is an opinion that ignores a fact.
The Captain
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I’m looking for a ride home from near East Falls within 10-15 minutes.  #wowthatdidntgowell Thanks, Jace
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Hey, Sherry it’s Dwayne from Eric’s place. With the silver GT.  You may recall I was gonna help you set up those bookshelves but couldn’t because my girlfriend threw a fit cause she thought I was macking on you. Well she moved out so let’s chat.
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I think it’s fucked up that for the 2020’s we didn’t even get the Roarin part like in the past we just went straight to the Depression. What wine goes with watching too much cable news and worrying about the end of democracy?  — Loni the Liver #drivingtodelaware
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Hey Deb, thanks for trying, hon, but you’re no good at pretending. Looking over photos from our doomed “second honeymoon” – you’re not really smiling with your whole face, just the bottom part. Your eyes are a million miles away. I see that now. Literally, in my own face when I look in the mirror. Also, I see the sweaty grimace of a man fouling your vanity after eating the Costco-sized bag of Hirabo Sugar-Free Gummy Bears I found in your closet. I think we both have some growing up to do. Love you. – Rory
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Colonial viewpoints would have you believe people were not truly civilized until they came across whiteness, not educated until they adopted Western thought, not spiritual without Christianity. Unlearn this now please.   – Salem Afangideh
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Can we all agree to let people enjoy their pumpkin spice this year? Even though we think it’s gross? 2020 has been hard enough, man. Let’s let the people have their seasonal comfort flavors. #pumpkinspiceverything

WALK THIS WAY
Group Leashed Dog Walks
from McMichael Park
Sundays 9:30 – 11:00am(ish)
Safely socialize and exercise with your pup
Kids welcome, too! Meet us at the Turtle
(Henry & Midvale Aves)
**FREE**
meetup.com/Northwest-Philadelphia-Pack-Walk

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Baker v @KittyBangBang:  Lynn, your report notes the claimant “secreted” the object in question. Did you mean secreted something away – like she hid or concealed it? Or were you saying she made a secretion? Like some sort of discharge…?  Before we move forward with Thursday’s briefing, we’re going to need you to clarify.  Thanks, Bill and the team with RMG.
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US COVID death rate is 56.01 per 100k population
The rest of the world (minus the US) has a rate of 8.71 per 100k population
If the US handled COVID as well as the rest of the world, we would have only 28,776 deaths
The excess 156,151 deaths are the result of incompetence and indifference
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Oh, I’m an un-vegetarian:
I love to eat real meat.
I’d rather eat a roasted lamb
Than stuff that’s made of wheat.

I shape my beef as carrots,
Make chicken look like peas;
I flavor it to taste like them
To hide carnivorous needs.
#drydeadfish
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Trump was late for a FEMA meeting (following one of the most powerful hurricanes ever to make landfall in the US) because he was at a fundraiser. That’s really all you need to know about him.
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Keep telling yourself that America is the land of the free while the rest of the developed world enjoys universal healthcare, free college, paid maternity leave and a shit-ton more paid vacation time than any of us get. #sheeplegonnasheep
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Dear #willtryanything – I was really excited about your new dating idea! So I went for my first morning date (in the nude, cuz that’s how I get up in the morning). Long story short, my date called the cops!?? I gave them a good run until I tripped on the stick. Marcy, you really missed out. We could have had something special.  — Mr. Long Stick
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Prayer for a Lantern Fly
Sorry you’re here where you’re not supposed to be.
I wish I didn’t have to kill you,
But I will try to make this quick!
Now come back as something better,
My friend.
— Yogini of the Wissahickon
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They told people to voluntarily die for the sake of the economy and the economy is tanking anyway. It’s almost like the key to saving the economy was to address the public health crisis and not invite corporations to raid billions of $$$ in tax dollars.  – Bree N. B.
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FOR THEO: No, I didn’t break up with you because I thought you should’ve asked me to move in with you. Not sure how you got the idea I was hinting, in all honesty the thought never crossed my mind that we should live together. I broke up with you for all the regular reasons that all add up to not wanting to be with you. Hope that helps. — Dennae
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Tell me, Billy buddy: If the rest of us aren’t entitled to our regular income during a global pandemic, then why the hell are landlords?  — Your Slum Letters
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Maybe plants are really farming us, giving us oxygen until we eventually expire and turn into delicious mulch for their consumption?  #deepthoughts
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POLITICIANS: Quit acting like there isn’t enough money to help people. Legalize weed and tax it. Cut the military budget by 25%. Implement a 1% wealth tax. Put a 10% VAT on corporations that are profiting from the pandemic (Amazon/Facebook/Walmart/etc).   @Ellars

Admit it: if some dude covered in makeup and hairspray told you windmills cause cancer and that we had airports in 1775 and that he’d just “aced” a cognitive test, you’d slowly back away….  #bigglytroubling
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Worms are skinny,
Worms are fat,
They live in the ground,
They live in the cat.
Some can swim;
None can fly.
Chop them in half
And they multiply.
They have no legs,
They cannot frown,
They don’t have necks,
And they can’t sit down.
To sum up their use
In a few choice words:
They aerate the soil
And feed the birds.
#drydeadfish
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What is your suburban lifestyle dream? I see block parties where neighbors from all ethnicities bring their bomb-ass food and we dance to a dope global Spotify while I’m whipping up chai punch in my Uncle Jorge’s guayabera. Who’s with me? Ratchet Ass Community Organization of Germantown (RACOG)  #offthehook
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Is it me? This entire presidency has been like being tied to a chair and watching a toddler play with a loaded pistol.   – Aunt Donna’s friend Marge (with the handbag that smells like mothballs)
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You know, a little political outrage is a fine thing but even I think this month’s Missed Connections has gone overboard. Pete, Penn-Knox’s ultra-Progressive (with the perfunctory Prius).  #yeahweknow
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One thing this year has taught us: Americans are staggeringly selfish. Not just “don’t want to share” selfish. But total, apocalyptic “I will let you die before I inconvenience myself” selfish.  #hardtruths
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For Dale the Rocker:
I like pizza, you like pizza. What more is there?
Kiss me on my saucy mouth whydontcha.  — Marguerite with extra cheese
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FACT: Arguing with a Trump supporter is like playing chess with a pigeon. It’ll just knock over all the pieces, shit on the board, and strut around like it won anyway.   – Aunt Donna (from the dollar store)
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It’s weird that there was infinite funding for 19+ years of global war but the gov’t literally pooped its pants at the thought of giving Americans a few thousand bucks to stay inside for a couple of months so we don’t all die.  #hardtruths
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It’s now highly feasible to take care of everybody on Earth at a higher standard of living than any have ever known. It no longer has to be you or me. Selfishness is unnecessary. War is obsolete. It is a matter of converting the high technology from weaponry to livingry. – R. Buckminster Fuller
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A bee flew by
And hit my eye,
Yesterday, at twelve.
I wish it had been quicker,
As I can’t think of anything to rhyme with twelve.
#drydeadfish
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Hello Dr. Karl!
It’s Britanni L. Westenheusen again, the 9th grader at a very exclusive private school in the area that my mother REFUSES to let me mention. I hope you remember me (we spoke before about the van Aefferdens and their llama). You told me to get back to you when I fleshed my ideas out for a fresh new musical to capture the imagination of today’s youth. OK this is super fresh and edgy! How about we reimagine Hamilton, with white people? So like the opening song would go “Hamilton, Hamilton, Hamilton, Hamilton, I’m Hamilton, Hamilton, Hamilton, Hamilton, Hamilton, He’s Hamilton, Hamilton, Hamilton, Hamilton, Hamilton, his name is Hamilton, and he’s a white dude now…” I think with everyone’s pale skin in the stage lights it’ll be super dramatic!

View more MISSED CONNECTIONS AUGUST 2020

About Karl Von Lichtenhollen 23 Articles
Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen is a doctor and fellow of the Applied Knowledges at Blödsinn Universität in Munich, Germany (1973). He was born and raised in the Nether Regions area of Holland, near Tainte, which he refers to fondly as a "Dutch Wonderland." Dr. Lichtenhollen once shared a houseboat in Amsterdam with the cast of a geriatric production of HAIR, inspiring his famous essay, "That Which I Cannot Unsee." He is a three-time recipient of the "Iron Feather" award. His hobbies include ascots, Highland wool sweaters and his pipe. He has a cat.

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