Missed Connections: August 2020

Tickled, teased, and culled by hand, just for you, by Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen (for your business and pleasure). 

Contact Dr. K directly at 215-498-8874 or email DrKarl@nwlocalpaper.com (if you are replying to a specific listing please be clear so that he may properly assist). Follow Dr. Karl on Facebook


Philly is experiencing a recent surge in cases.

TRUE STORY: Contact tracing shows trips to the Jersey Shore & family gatherings are a big source of coronavirus spread.

Wear your face mask in public, maintain social distancing guidelines. 

For the latest information: 
Pennyslivania’s posted schedule 
Also the City’s website 
(local COVID-19 resources including
testing/healthcare and financial relief)  

Leonard J Spintz, I’m hoping you’ll see this before anything happens. As you know Jan-Jan’s been holding my phone till I get back from Stoney Lonesome. Well! She found those photos your rib sent me and now we’re both in Dutch, man. If old Red calls you to the crab house, do NOT go!! It’s a trap!!  — The Cowboy

Butch! WAY TO GO, JACKASS! Spend our marriage getting stupid drunk every chance you get, then the ONE TIME ON EARTH it’s just you and me, and suddenly Mr Big Party Man would rather snooze on the couch than share a bottle of wine WITH HIS WIFE!! Like adults!! Well newsflash, mister, the sober you is BOOOOR-RRRRRING!!!!  Stand back, Imma have a good time BY MYSELF!!!!  – Honey

Been thinking about Carl Jung and synchronicity. How years ago, on the day I met you, you’d seen your first black squirrel, and wouldn’t stop talking about it. “The Black Squirrel would be a great name for a pub!” we joked and then I forget about you and black squirrels until one day I read a sign on the old location where Falls Tap Room used to be:  “Coming Soon — The Black Squirrel English Pub.” What are the odds that you’d call me out of the blue that day? But yet when I heard your voice it was like I’d expected it. Can’t wait to see where this is going.  – Jonathan

We caught each others Third Eye over bowls of sabgi, squash tuna and marinated cabbage from the same raw foods restaurant we’ve been patronizing for years. This time, the food energy went straight to our chakras! At once, I could see from your eyes, and you could see from mine! This amazing experience only lasted a moment, but I will never forget how my butt looked in those shorts. Damn, I need some new clothes, pronto! – Enlightened

Don’t confuse the two.

SUMMERS EVE AT MCMICHAEL PARK: I just stepped behind the tree to take a wizzard from my lizard, when you walked by. Now, most ladies would’ve said something or at least made a face. But you looked me in the eye and complimented me on my Tantive IV face mask. I was so startled I forgot to apologize for my coarse behavior. It was a hot night, and a long walk. After two bottles of water, I was desperate. Sorry, Wee Willie

So non binary is a thing now. I wasn’t sure, it was new for me. I’m a little older than you and I think that’s where it shows. But you’re cool and sexy and so unique in special ways. That’s beautiful. We’ve wasted enough time, T — You do you and let’s do us. Love you!  — Christian

I swear, Tamika, when I get to so much as hug you again, look out!!! You are gonna be squeeeeeeezed, gurl!!! Can’t wait to wrap my arms around you, bring you in close, so and take a big old sniff. God it’s been so long since I’ve held or even smelled another human being.  ~Huggy Bear
Police don’t prevent crime. They come after a crime. Crime prevention starts with funding social programs and creating opportunity. #defundthepolice

How Long Does the Mail Take? Roberta and I have been friends for years, but this summer I started having…feelings for her. Now, I am no spring chicken, I cannot afford to mess this up and ruin a golden friendship! A trip to Historic RittenhouseTown’s Paper Mill introduced me to a nice lady named Amy who taught me how to create beautiful, one-of-a-kind paper sheets, which I took home and stamped with a hand letterpress:


Well I sent it to her in the mail last month and still have not heard back. Maybe I should’ve signed it. If you see this, let her know.  – David

My dear friends, don’t be frightened by my latest incarnation. The old must die, that the new Self May rise! Don’t mistakenly think that you know me. Trust me, we have NEVER met. – KH Lan PS Ronnie, you still owe me $100

Solitude. Alone but also free to submit as I please to the luxuries of a hot summer night in the boondocks of PA. Cool creek, soft mud, skies wide with celestial shine and the chorus of countless strumming insect wings. I like to think it’s the perfect frequency to heal my broken dreams. Will someone please tell me again the meaning of a harvest moon?  — Whisky Kitten
Hey Facial Freedom Fighters: If you’re refusing to wear a mask due to concerns your brain won’t get enough oxygen, I think that ship has already sailed! #maskup

Just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman. You buy them a dress with pockets.  – Dan B.


Dear woman resident on Calumet Street who just mouthed off to my wife,

It’s easy to be angry nowadays and frustrated due to the current situation. However, maybe before berating someone who you don’t know possibly think 1st and maybe try approaching someone with kindness before passing judgment. My wife wears a mask outside due to preexisting conditions. Recently at the end of a bike ride, she briefly removed it pushing up the hill. There was NO ONE around and certainly not within 6 feet of her.

I’m glad that you are concerned with people wearing masks and social distancing but before you start shaming people maybe consider that NOT everyone is inconsiderate, that maybe people have issues/disabilities that you can’t immediately see.  I wish you the best and hope you consider this next time you want to publicly shame someone.  — JK

Yo, some of y’all went from “all lives matter” to “just a few teachers will die” kind of fast… #justsayin

Uninvited, you barged into my Fortress of Solitude with a fist full of kryptonite and a beguiling smile. How could I turn you out? You were generous enough to come bearing a bottle of VA|LA Primadonna. A few minutes in the freezer later and we sipped and smoked the night away. Where’ve you been? I promise no one will recognize us at that dive bar by the EF train station.  – Terrell/Kal-El

Just realized my first floor apartment in Tulpehocken faces a very private parking lot where two or three cars could park and see directly into my bedroom window, if I leave the shades open. See where I’m going with this? Several showtimes every weekend, hit me up for the address and venmo. ~Josie Jilloff

I dunno, folks. Y’all can understand a white kid shooting up a school cuz he was bullied after 4 months of school but don’t understand why an oppressed group is compelled to burn shit down after 400 years. Smh

Always something there to remind me. The other day it was a spectacular Moroccan-patterned mask draped below the second-most-beautiful pair of big brown eyes I’ve ever seen in my life. What I wouldn’t give to look into yours again. To the beautiful woman walking out of Gaffney’s Fabrics that day, sorry if I stared but it’s like I’d seen a ghost.  – Love always from PJ

Guess what? Teachers are not responsible for the recovery of the economy, babysitting kids, or getting us “back to normal.” Stop trying to guilt us into risking our lives for the governments failure to act. Sincerely, Teachers Everywhere

Pamela, It was so kind of you to invite me on a bike ride with you. You were right! That fresh air felt good! What did not feel so great is my butt after about ten miles. Ouch! I should’ve told you about my hemorrhoids. Sorry I was so grouchy on the way back.  ~Bevan

Between you and me, my flirting is off the hook! I can intrigue a guy from over 6 feet away using only my eyes and body language. Still dressed in my PJ’s, straight outta bed and un-showered.  Skills!  ~Venus de East Falls

How many people could be working on actual problems in the world or making art or inventing stuff if they weren’t forced into shitty jobs because they gotta eat? COVID and climate change threatens to kill us but people with science degrees are driving for Uber!! WTF?

What has happened to you, Billie? I catch you on a bench at Vernon Park, drinking from a paper bag in the middle of the day when you said you were going to the drug store. Really? Dairy milk?! So I guess now you’re not vegan anymore? Don’t try to lie, either, I found the beef jerky in your gym bag. We need to talk!   ~Rosie Baby

Covidiots vs Maskholes = the new Jets vs Sharks! Remember “Click it or Ticket”? New slogan proposal: Mask It or Casket!

This Is for Gerry’s Friend Who Reads These: Of all people, I know it’s hard to get me. I’m weird. I come on strong in person, but then I don’t answer calls or texts, except when I do — then it’s all fun and games until I disappear again (sorry). I’m probably the shiest show-off you know. Hang in there, please, I think we might have something. Love,  Tara

Maybe owning slaves is more evil than even being a “founding father” is good? What if, instead of saying: “These great men also owned slaves” we said: “These slave owners also did good things nonetheless.” Time to revisit our words?   – E. Lipton

Love and kindness are hidden treasures, buried at the bottom of my heart. Tiny flawless diamonds, forged in the cruel fires of abject suffering. Priceless and pure. Raw savage beauty. Sacred. If anything really is. The dig down is deep and dirty – I lost the map years ago — but I’ll tell you what, the prize is all yours if you find it.  – Your Forrest Fenn

Finally! If you’ve always wanted to cruise the Schuylkill, now’s your chance to get in on an exciting investment opportunity bringing world-class dining, entertainment and accommodations to Philadelphia’s most scenic river. Elmer’s Engines is a small biz with big plans for a fleet of luxury watercraft to ferry rich people and celebrities around the city in style! Get in on the ground floor before everybody’s doing it.  @ElmersEnginesPHL

Find out just what any people will quietly submit to and you have found the exact measure of injustice and wrong which will be imposed upon them, and these will continue till they are resisted with either words or blows, or both. The limits of tyrants are prescribed by the endurance of those whom they oppress. – Frederick Douglass

To Kendra in Lennox Apartments – So you say I have boundary issues? Bitch, please. At least have the guts to say that to my face, instead of going on about me in your diary. Shit. — Aysha

Why did no one eat the Trumpcakes I made for the party? Why is that somehow POLITICAL?! PLEASE EXPLAIN! They were THE BEST desserts EVER MADE in the HISTORY OF FOOD!  NEVER HAS THE USA SEEN A MORE PERFECT DESSERT. I make the taste SO GOOD desserts! My desserts can be eaten by people, ok? It’s unbelievable, everybody says they can’t believe how I do it.  EAT MY TRUMPCAKES!!!!! ~Snowflake

The thing is that I do not want to desecrate your exquisite soul with the filth that is my core. That’s my burden. I don’t want the images my story generates to burn into your beautiful mind. Once they find you, my ghosts will never give you peace, I fear. But then I think, eh. Maybe I’m being dramatic. Aren’t you curious?  ~Chatty Cathy from the library

What are we doing, Mr. Hung? You live in the apartment next door and our bathrooms share a paper-thin wall. I guess it is neat that our schedules are in synch. I’ll admit it’s kind of fun when we do our shower singalongs but I’d appreciate it if you could learn to ignore the sounds I make when I’m having one of my IBD attacks. Your clapping and commentary is distracting. Thanks,  Minerva Plophouse

Come play Show and Tell with me. First, we’ll dismantle our walls of brick and stone, scape away the angry mortar till everything knocks down. We’ll crawl across our crumbled defenses to discover, what? That the monster we’ve been so afraid of all this time needs both our help to heal.  What do you think, Dee?

People who don’t have a problem with unidentifiable law-enforcement agents descending upon an American city must realllllllllly like the taste of boot leather.  B. Hickey

#OHTHEIRONY: The ones refusing to wear masks will be the reason why we end up closing down again. And they will be the ones bitching the most about the re-closing that they are responsible for.

FISH ON FRIDAY… and every day! Otolith’s Community Supported Seafood co-op is OPEN. Join at communitysupportedseafod.com for a variety of options fished & flash-frozen from pristine Alaskan waters. Free Delivery thru PA/NJ/DE. They also take wholesale orders, and you can find their products at many local markets. (They also they host Salmon fishing expeditions!)

This is the East Falls Vampire.  I usually don’t reach out like this, but I’m at my breaking point. These are challenging times for me. I might be undead, but I’m no risk taker! How am I supposed to know FOR SURE that coronavirus won’t affect me? Now I can’t go draining the liquid mineral essence of just any human, which puts me in quite a pickle (as I greatly prefer random feedings over familiars). Anyway, that’s my problem, I guess. Please social distance, everyone, and wear your mask. Let’s get through this together!   ~Paul C. Davidson

NouVaux Market is proud to introduce another local legend into the family….  Roxborough’s famous Pierogie Kitchen!
Now you never have to eat mass-market pierogi again. Here’s the real deal, handmade with love and tradition. Flash-frozen and ready-to-heat at @nouvauxmarket (Vaux & Tilden Sts, East Falls)
Three delicious varieties available:

Outdoor Market & Beer Garden
Food, crafts, baked goods, more.
Come see what’s here and enjoy a fine beer!
V E N D O R S   W A N T E D
contact info@AtticBrewing.com 

Sundays 12 – 4
Attic Brewing Company 
137 Berkley St
Support local small business!!


Just out of curiosity, has anyone ever noticed that when you go down Kelly Drive at night the parking lots are always full of cars with their lights on. What’s up with that?!  — D. Riordan

You are a light. You are THE LIGHT. Never let anyone – any person or any force – dampen, dim or diminish your light.  – John Robert Lewis   (seen chalked on the sidewalk of Calumet Street, East Falls)

Wall of Moms PHL
a public Facebook group to:
support #BLM
inform protesters
stand strong against militia
3500+ members
Sleep could wait, Denise! Breakfast, too. I drove the whole night to meet you, all I wanted was spend the day with you in the sun. Thank you for showing me around, I enjoyed the beautiful cemetery on the hill and that amazing picnic of Jamaican food we shared in the little historic square with the soldier statue. Sorry I nodded off in my callaloo. Thanks for getting me that Lyft back to my hotel. OK now it’s your turn to visit me! ~ Sweet Pete

Wow the Splash Pad at McDevitt is fantastic! My kids have a blast and I can just sit on my phone in the shade and not worry about anyone drowning. #parentinggoals

Group Leashed Dog Walks
from McMichael Park
Sundays 9:30 – 11:00am(ish)
Safely socialize and exercise with your pup
Kids welcome, too! Meet us at the Turtle
(Henry & Midvale Aves)

Put your hand up if your retirement plan is basically “Civilization will crumble by the time I’m 65 so money will be meaningless anyway.”  — Demeritas

To the red-haired girl carrying a clear plastic bag with two small goldfish in it down Ridge Avenue on a Wednesday at noon: I’m sorry I startled you but those are cold-water fish and the heat can kill them. Also if you put them in a big tank they will get HUGE! Call me if you’re still interested in the 55 gal aquarium.  ~Sign me…. Fishing for More?
In case you’re wondering where we are in the poem: first they came for the Muslims, then the immigrants, now the peaceful protesters.  How soon until they come for you?  — Uncle Eric

True Story: My weed dealer sold me his shoes. I don’t know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day.   ~Pun Daddy
Did anyone lose a pet crab? It was walking the streets of Germantown this morning. Or maybe it’s an escapee from the Crab joint? I’ll wait to see if anyone claims it before I eat it.   ~Old Baybee

Hey you two up there! YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE! All night, every night. Thumping and squeaking and shouting out like damn fools. Give it a rest, already. ~ Danny from Downstairs

Dear World,
Sorry, the US is closed for repairs.
We plan to reopen next year under new management.

INVENTOR: so a flying balloon
ME: i’m with you
INVENTOR: big flame over your head
ME: sounds good
INVENTOR: no steering
ME: excellent
INVENTOR:  *snorts white powder* and you’re in a wicker basket
ME: i’m in



About Karl Von Lichtenhollen 66 Articles
Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen is a doctor and fellow of the Applied Knowledges at Blödsinn Universität in Munich, Germany (1973). He was born and raised in the Nether Regions area of Holland, near Tainte, which he refers to fondly as a "Dutch Wonderland." Dr. Lichtenhollen once shared a houseboat in Amsterdam with the cast of a geriatric production of HAIR, inspiring his famous essay, "That Which I Cannot Unsee." He is a three-time recipient of the "Iron Feather" award. His hobbies include ascots, Highland wool sweaters and his pipe. He has a cat.

1 Comment

  1. To the three bikers in professional biker clothing who just sped past me on Kelly Drive: if you bike that often, you should know that it’s best for everyone to ride single file when passing a pedestrian on a narrow stretch. You were inches from me, and none of you had masks to boot! If I find you, you will not like it.
    The woman who shouted “leave some more space for the people walking, jackass!” <3

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