Missed Connections: July 2020

Carefully cultured and pulled like taffy from the salty neighborhood matrix by Dr. Karl von Lichtenhollen (for your business and pleasure).

Contact Dr. K directly at 215-498-8874 or email DrKarl@nwlocalpaper.com (if you are replying to a specific listing please be clear so that he may properly assist). Follow Dr. Karl on Facebook! 

COVID-19 CONTINUES

PA has begun “phased reopening” — some retail and outdoor dining is back, baby. 
Wear your face mask in public, maintain social distancing guidelines. 

For the latest information: 
Pennyslivania’s posted schedule 
Also the City’s website 
(local COVID-19 resources including
testing/healthcare and financial relief)  

Help, you guys!

I learned some stuff about hypnosis, but only up to the part where you’ve hypnotized them and they’re under your command. It worked! My boyfriend is now in a daze and I have him acting like a frog, a chicken, a baby, Katherine Hepburn, Gollum, a cockroach wrangler and a three-speed “muscle-massager” from Walgreens. (Not all at the same time though.) I can’t believe it was so easy!! But now I don’t know how to snap him out of it. It’s been 27+ hours and it hasn’t worn off. What should I do?   ~ Millicent the Incredible

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FREE! Lots of fresh produce, cooked and canned food, diapers, wipes…. We also just got a donation of a baby carrier & rocker. Come by the Lot on Church Lane near Uncle Bobbie‘s to take what you need and/or bring donations. Weds 2-6pm, Saturdays 10am – 3pm. For more information PM Sulaiha Olatunji thru Facebook’s Living in Germantown community group.

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SHHHHHH…. Chill the F out.
We’re floating in space on a giant rock we can’t leave.
Look at the stars or something. Stop being so awful.  – Uri Nur Voyce

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Yeah, Bill, it’s true that being in a relationship is all about “give and take.” That’s why you do the giving and I do the taking. Give and take, see? I’m glad we could clear this up.  ~Sunny

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Allies: There is no time for your tears. Stand up and join in the service of Black liberation. Limit your response to what is of real, tangible help. Give money, call your reps, protect Black people at protests, elevate our work and voices. #blacklivesmatter

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Wanted: Unconventional Artist for Green Commission
My street borders the Wissahickon and between us and the next road over there’s a “watershed” meadow maintained by the City. This year, they haven’t mowed it and now the grass is neck-high! This old crank on that side of me won’t shut up about it so I want to mess with her. I’m looking for someone who can tamp down the grass to make, like, alien crop circles and stuff. Something vaguely sinister that might also be nothing. How much would something like that cost? I would prefer small installations over several nights, if possible. Talk to me.  Jerry B.

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Kenny, darling, all I’m saying is don’t take the pills for my sake. No offense but I’m really not here for the sex, our relationship is much more to me than that. Feel free to be your badass asexual self.  — Alex

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Hell yeah my Wonderland looks like a drunk, angry skunk. Whatchu expect? It’s been months since she got the business done. So what if the orange juice has a lil pulp?  Don’t give me that look. Man up and get in here!    ~Hairrendous Hortense
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A fool has to say something. A wise person has something to say.   – African proverb

Handled With Care
Every night I fell asleep
with my hands balled in a fist.
You taught me to be delicate
and to sing at the abyss.
~Beyond Grateful

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Hey everyone, we really need to get the BDSM community in on BLM protests. If hordes of leather/latex-clad people charging into rubber bullets yelling “HARDER, DADDY!” doesn’t unnerve the police, nothing will.  – Eleanor (E. Shadaker)

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Who else finds they try to be normal but they’re a constant source of embarrassment to themselves and others? I asked my doctor if there are drugs to help with that and she said not legal ones. ~Chris on the Avenue
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Hey Mikey!! I had that dream about you and Darla again. The one where Mom’s face melts into a scream at the end, and I wake up shouting someone’s name who winds up dead before the day is over? Uh oh, Vince.   ~Third-eye Belinda

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STOP STOP STOP there’s cat throw up on the beige fuckin carpet again. OH NO! You’re stepping in it! Oh gross! STOP! What? My phone? Who has Mommy’s phone? Oh for —  Hello? HELLO? Honey who did you call? Did you call someone? Hello whoever this is! I’m going to hang up now! Goodbye!

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Laura,
Those croissants you fed me an hour ago — I made it to the ER just in time. They said I will fully recover from your latest attempt to poison me, this time with arsenic baked imperceptibly into layers of buttery flaky pastry. Last time it was cyanide in a savory beefy porcini soup with smoked mozzarella. Time before that, you created the most luscious lemon custard, playing off the sweet notes of antifreeze that almost destroyed my liver. Damn your incredible cooking! I should know better than to accept food from you but I can’t resist. It’s too delicious! Please at least tell me why you’re doing this.  – Augustus
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Germantown! East Falls! The time is nigh! All who have eyes: listen – HARK! The sin king is sinking. Don’t you know? The Sin King is Sinking. THE SIN KING IS SINKING!!! All hands on deck!   ~Salizar the Salad Czar

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Everytime a Republican says “Democrats were the party of slavery and racism” just agree and say “Okay we’re going to take our Confederate monuments down, now” and watch them freak out!

To find one for a lifetime. A man that is worthy & my heart desire. To set a certain standard that suits our personality exactly. Also: a spark at first glance. Character is important!  How is your mother doing? ~Villia

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EF FARMERS MARKET
**NOW OPEN**
Saturdays 10am to 2pm
Fresh meats, produce, cheese & more
plus crafts and community.
eastfallsfarmersmarket.com
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To the neighbor lady who always walks her dog through my back yard on IQL and lets him piss on my gate and plants, shit in the middle of the walkway, while also smoking a fucking cigarette (I was wondering where all the butts came from-disgusting), if you don’t knock that shit off I will take a picture next time and blast you everywhere 🤗

So incredibly f’ing rude and disgusting for no reason and the next time I catch you doing this shit I will not be able to contain my anger 🤗  — Fox L.

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Hair Jordan, whoever you are! Walking down Ridge like our own Justin Trudeau with your dark locks shining in the hot East Falls sun. I normally would never say this to another man but your hair is so beautiful, and it moves me. I have started honking my truck when I see you (as a heterosexual tribute).  – Chuck in the blue F-150

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I slapped a guy during sex last night because he shouted the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry, bro.  “Derrick”
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Anyone who says “All Lives Matter” must now say “Happy Holidays” and not “Merry Christmas” because All Holidays Matter.

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Now that I’ve lived through an actual plague, I can totally understand why Italian Renaissance paintings are full of naked fat people lying on couches.  #fatteningthecurves

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Janet from HR: I was dodging the toilet plumes in the bathroom when I ran into you in the hall. The aroma did not pair well with the moment, but I think I caught a twinkle in your eye. Or was that just tears watering up from the rankness I left behind? Sorry. Taco Tuesday!  Anyway, still up for grabbing a beer with me sometime?  — Aaron O. (Accounting)
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Oh my Marion the Librarian. Chillin’ somewhere on the continuum between Daria Morgendorffer and Tina Belcher – while jacking Tig Notaro‘s style. I’m Nerdy & Derty.

~Shhhhhh Its Me Again

I’m not saying that I’m a cobra, but if I was, Steel Pulse’s True Democracy would be the proverbial flute that captivates and dissolves my aggression and makes me sway back and forth, oblivious to everything else around me. Ssssssstephen Irie

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YEP IT’S ALL FAKE: the entire world shut down and ruined their own economies just to make you wear a mask cuz you so ugly. LMAO!!!!

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Dana, let’s talk about your scrying. Anthracomancy and turifumy may not be specifically forbidden in our apartment lease, but fire and smoke are.  I don’t care that you feel you have a “gift” or “calling.” No one in the house wants to hear any more of your “dire warnings for hummankind.” You’re being loud and messy and disrespectful of other roommates.
~Augury

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Just Sayin’ — You can’t be anti-looting and pro-Columbus. #itsafact
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I’ll tell you how we got mixed up in all this, Robbie. When you tell a car detailer to “clean it so we don’t leave any evidence,” they will call the cops. This is just common sense! Use this time on house arrest to work on your filter, Dude. – Jugnutt

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Yeah you talk shit about cops now but just wait till a guy breaks into your house and you need to call someone who will show up an hour late and shoot your dog. #truth

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Ladies, I was shopping for TinderLoins the other night, I looked right, I looked left. Slim pickin’s. You seeing the same trend? What’s up with that?! ~Lyndie
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Fergusen, The ball was in my court, so I decided to pivot – zag – 360 degrees in the opposite direction. You crunched the numbers and gained some synergies, leveraging several disruptions. The dividends gained were plentiful. But, to be frank, after the meeting I felt utilized. I’ll get back to you at my earliest convenience,   — Cobb

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PLEASE NOTE: the East Falls Rants page is now Have an East Falls Life, Folks. Please note: ranting is still permissible and even encouraged. As are raves, reviews, reports and renderings of all kinds. You don’t necessarily need to have an East Falls day to belong, but it helps. — The Management

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If someone kidnapped your child and sold them where would you want their statue to go? #ithoughtso

NOT FROM HERE? Tired of being called hurtful names like “squatter,” “hipster” and “resident”?  Join the East Falls Yuppie Association, a new closed Facebook group for survivors of Fallser discrimination in the ’29. Come find acceptance at last.
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Basking in the aftermath
(I had expected more a glow)
Instead a roiling in the sheets
Conveyed emotional upheaval
And demanded a price I am
Unwilling to afford.
Out with you, then!
May the door hit you
Softly on the ass.
~ Mr. Grace

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Attention Adults Only! New guidelines for safe coronavirus sex say to do it with a wall between you. Problem is all this Wissahickon schist around here, it’s too thick! I have identified several secluded fences, though. Now I just need someone who can help me make some “glory holes” I think they are called? I don’t know if we need a holesaw or if a paddle bit’ll work. I’m just a grandmother but I want to my part to keep the young people safe! – Florence in Penn Knox

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Hi there I’m Todd but you can call me “Hot Toddy”  – no one else does (yet!) but I am so sure of this nickname I invite you to let me personally prove how hot I am. And intoxicating! And soothing for your throat.  @ToddtheBod

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Black men, we love you, you are needed, you are worthy, you are powerful. This world does not value the beauty you bestow but we do, we honor you, we appreciate you, I am so sorry we cannot protect you.  This Is America.

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Carrington, old chum — I’m up to my eyeballs in quarantang!! Not good. When this whole thing started I invited five of my hottest lady friends to shelter in place with me at my sprawling estate in NW Philly. At first it felt like I had my own harem and I loved it! But they soon organized against me and now I am their captive. They use me like a sex toy and leave me exhausted while they swim, play tennis, ride horses, etc.. PA turned green but instead of going back to work, they’ve amped up their lavish parties where they toast me as their benefactor, but still. I fear I’m being used. Help a Mason out.  – Ledworth III

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Here I thought you were my four leaf clover. Turns out you were a bunch of ragweed, and I am super allergic to ragweed. Just my luck (or lack thereof). Achoo and goodbye to you. – Casey Cupcakes
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Eating charred kernels, sipping snifters of sangria. Stealing smiles. Giving flame. Locking eyes. Opening doors. Reckless grace and abandon. With Madame Matisse of Manayunk under Klimpt’s night sky. You can see it, can’t you?  — Dennis
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Eric, when you said that to my face at the deli, I know we both expected a bigger reaction. I wanted to get mad and stuff but all I could think was “Wow I don’t care one bit about this person.” I really don’t. Go on with your life, now. You’re no one to me.  – Kiki

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You were in front of me in line at the Chipotle by Target. You ordered a carnitas burrito with “no beans, add guac.” I still remember this because it took you almost 10 minutes to order! You had all the time in the world while we were in line. What were you doing then? How could it take you so long to decide not to have beans? Either you want beans or you don’t want beans. It’s not that hard!!! People like you are what’s wrong with this country.   – Wendy P.

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Just so we’re clear, white people: firing Aunt Jemima & giving us Juneteenth off are not the frontlines of defeating white supremacy & dismantling structural and institutional racism. Better schools, a fair criminal justice system, access to healthcare was more what we were thinking. Thank you for caring about Black lives. Strap in, it’s gonna be a long ride.

ATTENTION: Secret Memo for TRUE PATRIOTS
QAnon reports Bill Gates, George Soros and Hillary Clinton have funded a nationwide facial recognition program designed to force vaccines laced with RIFD chips on Americans. This will then be used for mind control and to confiscate our guns!!

****FOIL THIS PLOT NOW****

Wear a mask or face covering whenever you go out in public.
Even when it is hot out. Remember SOCIALIST EYES ARE WATCHING!!!
Cover up out there!!!!!!

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Neena, stop throwing your money away on clothes — the brain is the sexiest organ. And yours? It’s an Adonis! So chiseled and perfect of form and function. Unaware of its own beauty. I wish you could see it. – Secret Admirer

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A steamy afternoon in the Founded parking lot. You:  well-muscled guy with the soul patch in the green Kia Forte. You took my spot. I was waiting for that spot, and you just swooped in and took it. I wish you could have heard me cursing at you. Our eyes connected but you just kept walking. If I had the chance to see you one more time, I would roll down my windows and call you a dick.   – Taylor G.

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To the white couple killing lanternfly nymphs on W. Kingsley – I live in the house with the infested fence and trees backing up to that alley. Sorry I yelled at you! I couldn’t tell what you were doing and assumed this was some sort of glory hole thing. My bad, carry on.  – Mrs. Lottie

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Oh no what if Juneteenth got gentrified Cinco de Mayo-style and white frat guys were wearing dashikis to bar hop and drunkenly sing stuff like “wade in the water.” Watch it be in full effect by 2030. I can see it now! Gentrified soul food dinners, equipped with unseasoned chicken, dry macaroni, and collard greens that taste like collard blues. Not to mention, unsweetened Crystal Light to wash it down.  — Brent C
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THE MORE YOU KNOW: According to documentation from 1747, the Chew family owned at least 52 slaves, including African American minister Richard Allen before trading him to another owner who later freed him (after which he founded the first national black church in the US). #HistoricGermantown

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I’m sorry but y’all cryin over these fireworks are just getting ridiculous. I find it odd how I work 10 hours a day 6 days a week, get off @ 2 am & am still able to get a decent nights rest. Can they be annoying sure but y’all acting like mfs can’t BUY the fireworks lol. For god sake they have BILLBOARDS advertising the LEGAL SALE of them. look doesn’t it bother me like the rest of y’all not really, why idk cause I just got other shit too bitch about. Y’all forming groups & tryna get a lifetime ban is a lil excessive.

If you have an issue with the fireworks going off every night, did you know you can call 502-595-2300 and ask them to arrest the cops who killed Breonna Taylor?

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To Whom It May Concern (You Know Who You Are)
I don’t blame you, Valerie, for wanting to carry on like we’re strangers. But it does hurt, on my end. All I can do is to do without you and hope you’ll come around. ~Yours Truly

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Most Christians would agree that Satan is an important part of Christianity. But if you put up a bunch of statues of him in your church, people would make assumptions about who you worship and what ideals you glorify.  – Sister C

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What’s Your Royal Name??
“Lord” or “Lady” + your pet’s name + the last thing you ate + “of” the last thing you bought
(eg Lord Bernie Hotdog of Toiletpaper)
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Abraca-Barbara! And POOF! You appeared: an unflappable Flapper. In the flesh! A Jazz Age vision of loveliness. You were less than forthcoming about how you sawed yourself in half and put yourself back together again. Something about an “illusion.” Is that a fancy word for sorcery? By the end of the night, naturally, you disappeared. Only a puff of smoke dissipating from my open hand. ~Stony Bologna

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Look, Pedro, you’re a great guy and all but you train mice and rats for a living, while I have a reptile room full of snakes. One of my favorite pets is literally a “rat snake.” Do you see where this is heading? Not good. Take care, now.  ~ Dhoruba

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It’s no accident that:
You learned about Helen Keller instead of W.E.B. DuBois
You learned about the Watts and L.A. Riots, but not Tulsa or Wilmington.
You learned that George Washington’s dentures were made from wood, rather than the teeth from slaves.
You learned about black ghettos, but not about Black Wall Street.
You learned about the New Deal, but not “red lining.”
You learned about Tommie Smith’s fist in the air at the 1968 Olympics, but not that he was sent home the next day and stripped of his medals.
You learned about “black crime,” but white criminals were never lumped together and discussed in terms of their race.
You learned about “states rights” as the cause of the Civil War, but not that slavery was mentioned 80 times in the articles of secession.
Privilege is having history rewritten so that you don’t have to acknowledge uncomfortable facts.
Racism is perpetuated by people who refuse to learn or acknowledge this reality.
You have a choice.

View more MISSED CONNECTIONS JUNE 2020