Missed Connections: June 2020

My Brother’s Keeper” by Haitian-American & Philadelphian Watson Mere

Harvested at the peak of freshness by Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen (for your business and pleasure).

Contact Dr. K directly at 215-498-8874 or email DrKarl@nwlocalpaper.com (if you are replying to a specific listing please be clear so that he may properly assist). Follow Dr. Karl on Facebook

COVID-19 CONTINUES

PA has begun “phased reopening” — some retail and outdoor dining is back, baby. 
Wear your face mask in public, maintain social distancing guidelines. 

For the latest information: 
Pennyslivania’s posted schedule 
Also the City’s website 
(local COVID-19 resources including
testing/healthcare and financial relief)  

Picture it: Ridge Ave, May 1986. A young buck in OP shorts and a Little Rascals t-shirt catcalls the prettiest Joan Jett mullet the world’s ever seen. She tells him he’s rude. He doesn’t disagree. Some things never change. Happy Anniversary, baby.  – P.W. Herman

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Two total strangers locked eyes across Conrad street like two wolves on the hunt,  falling into long slow strides – apart, but in rhythm with each other. We kept this up from New Queen to IQL, where you turned and disappeared into the railroad tracks but not before giving me double guns Pew Pew!

So… what was that about? — Geoffery

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Simon on McCallum,
For some reason I am getting all of your junk mail. I’d appreciate it if you could answer the door when I bring it over. For the last time, I am not going to burn it for you or tell the senders to shove it up their bottom. Thank you.  – Gayle your neighbor

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Doris, your daffodils were magnificent this spring.  I wish you had been here to see them. Thinking of you always, but especially this time of year. – Your friend and sister Ella

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Hey good lookin’ your mask is the same blue as your eyes which are like POW even from 6 feet away. How’s the rest of your face look, I wonder? I’ll show you mine if you show me yours!  — Roger

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True Story 2020: The rest of the world is watching America like America watched the Tiger King.

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You threw a plush dog toy at me for absolutely no reason. I was just walking along Chelten on my way to A&N Produce. I knew it was a dog toy because it squeaked when it hit my head. We know each other from Donna’s but not well enough to throw things at each other in public, I don’t think. I was unpleasantly startled.  – Tamira

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Dean, Dean the muscle machine
Yo man I found your webcam, lol. Pretty hot stuff, I thought you were just a personal trainer. Saving up so we can have an extended videochat at your premium rate of $8.99/minute. Can’t wait!! PS I hope this doesn’t make our workouts weird now. – Angelo

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I’m telling you Gabe the chipmunks were having some kind of meeting in Dutch Hollow that day. Mark my words: they’re up to something. They’ve been peeking in my windows more, nosing around in my mailbox. Can they even read? You tell me, Gabe. You tell me.    – Mimi

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To All the High School and College Seniors out there who feel like they’re missing out on not having a graduation ceremony. For real, just wrap yourself in a shower curtain and sit in the sun for three hours while someone reads from a phonebook. You’re welcome! — Pam from Dr. Sheffield’s office

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Snowflakes are the worst. Now it seems I can’t even say “Black paint!” anymore because it’s racist. I have to be all PC and say “Please paint that wall, DeMarcus.” SAD!!! — J. F. Corcoran

ATTENTION TRUE FALLSERS!!!!
East Falls Rants and Raves After Dark is a public Facebook page for neighbors who were born here to celebrate their superior genes and promote a unified understanding of current events. “Meet” the same people you’ve known all your lives — but now on Facebook! Not to be confused with the Imma Real Fallser or the East Falls 29 Rants and Raves or the I’m From East Falls private groups. (However there is an East Falls Rants and Raves (privately) After Dark group as well as an Ex-Members of East Falls Rants and Raves.) Thank you for not sharing this information with any squatters.  — Kathy LB

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Billy Dee! I see you gliding through Vernon park in the sunshine and I want to lock you down. Lock you inside a house for a couple months. Put a mask on you. Wear a mask myself. Revel in the cruelty of distance. So close and yet so far. How do you like that, gorgeous?  Jackie B.

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**PRO TIP**
Everyone, you are not going to believe this. This is the most gangster thing I have ever discovered or heard about. You can get ANY message you write hand-delivered to your friends and adversaries alike – for 55 cents!! NO LIE! You write your message, drop it in a box and some stone-cold Player in a crisp, sharp outfit makes sure they get it, no questions asked. I couldn’t believe it either. I sent my neighbor’s wife a salacious message generously sprayed with cologne FROM my other neighbor’s husband across the street. I can’t wait to see what happens. I’m just getting started. I might even write a message to the person I have a crush on. They’d never expect that kind of artisanal messaging.
— Brenda
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All I want is to wrap myself around someone. Breathe. Connect. Vibe. I just want to be a part of a shared physicality. My world has been slowly draining of color with every passing day of isolation. Also I am running out of batteries. Love, Carrie
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Don’t you know I’m really good at listening, braiding hair & making icecream cones. I’m a fan of old movies and current events. Just want to watch the afternoon sun settle down with you around. It’s just like she said it would be, my friend.  – Cookie from church (with the blue Buick Skylark)
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Oh you
Can’t see but under my mask, but I’m licking my lips at all the hot humans. Like you.
I’m mentally opening up your control panel and examining your preferences.
You know who you are.  Who I am. Think about THAT next time you’re out.
~ Æon Flux

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I was waiting for my mocha latte outside Vault & Vine, trying to knock out some emails. You were standing near to me, talking to your friend about how you’re a vegan but you secretly eat eggs. WTF? I really wish I had told you to fuck off but I was too busy to get into it.  — Jennifer J.

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I love being told I have an “irrational fear” of a deadly virus by people who shit bricks over immigrants, LGBTQ people, people of color, working women, wind mills, cellphone antenas, vaccines, electric cars, voting by mail, universal health care, environmental protections, plant-based food, higher wages and face masks.

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Marta, you’re a near-perfect combination of 75% Morticia with 25% Velma. I said “near” because I think a little more balance would be nice, but it’s cool. I can work with this! See, already I know you are going to make me pay for posting this ad. If you were more Velma, you’d appreciate the joke but instead you’ll punish me because I said you weren’t perfect. I’m down. Let’s go.    ~ Sydney’s dad

Soooooo…. These murder hornets. Do you send them a list of names or what…? How’s that work? (Asking for a Friend)

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We made small talk a NouVaux Market. Me: tall, dark, nerdy. You: posh, blonde, elfin.  You told me that you literally could not live without the salsa you were buying. I wish we could talk again, so I could tell you you used “literally” incorrectly (and really pissed me off).  I wish you could literally literally not live without that salsa, because then I’d take it from you! Ha!  — GramR Po Po

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Restaurants will be some of the first businesses to reopen, soon there’s gonna be dine-in service whether we’re ready or not. Owners and employees will be stressed. Please don’t go if you’re not going to tip. Please don’t hassle them about the new rules. If you can’t be nice, stay home. Thanks.  – Your Hospitality Staff

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Hey, Ella – BOO! It’s meeeee…. Dorrrris from beyonnnnnd…. Oooooh…..
Ha ha, I get it, I’m dead to you now. Go ahead and get mopey over my daffodils instead of picking up the phone so we can settle this – it’s NOT what you think! Goddamn, you are such a drama queen. Call me.  – D

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NOT FROM HERE? Tired of being called hurtful names like “squatter,” “hipster” and “resident”?  Join the East Falls Yuppie Association, a new closed Facebook group for survivors of Fallser discrimination in the ’29. Come find acceptance at last.

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I swear this is true but it was me and Jason on his couch. So things were heating up, he’s getting a little rough (which is nice) and then he goes, “Who’s the boss?” and without even thinking I yell “Tony Danza!” And BAM! It’s like totally simultaneous. You know what I’m saying? Wtf!  ~ Angela

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Give me a body like Tarzan!!!! My new East Falls trainer looked at me weird when I told him this but what does he expect from a loincloth designer? Amateur, but still.  – Henley

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So confused by this reaction that wearing a mask is “living in fear.”
If you wear your seatbelt, are you living in fear?
If you wear sunscreen, are you living in fear?
If you wear a bike helmet, are you living in fear?
Smart living is not living in fear. This much is obvious. What gives?  — Jamie C.

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That nice lady at the Wendy’s called me a “chick charmer” – and patted my arm! Said I reminded her of an old time movie star. Thank you, I said, I’m just being me. And please keep your greasy hands off my cashmere sweater. – Mr Al
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Randy, yes I have your invisible thread around here somewhere. I just can’t find it.  — Felix
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Pocket lips? Jeremy, that’s not a thing, why would I say that? No, dumbass, I said APOCALYPSE. Anyway I don’t know what this has to do with why you offered Tina the spare room in our bunker. Now where are we going to put Rusty?  — Alma

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BLACK LIVES MATTER!!!!!

Behold, mortals! Open your eyes to the signs of impending doom. Or fail to do so at your own peril.
~Four Horsemen aka Buggy, Scrappy, Tummy and Necro  PS Mwahahahaaaa

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Liam, I don’t care what Elon Musk named his baby, I think our son’s name should lose the @ and also please see about removing all the hashtags from his birth certificate. #regrets  ~ Gianna

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Imagine if the US economy collapses. Gangs start roaming the streets, breaking into homes, killing innocent people. You flee to Canada with your toddler son – they lock him in a cage and send you back. That’s America. <mic drop>

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To My Fans of every Zodiac sign, I won’t quit until I blow your mind, Compatible or not I’ll hit the spot, In the name of love with everything I got! You game sugar? You ready to get it?  Knock three times on the red dumpster and let yourself in!   ~ Bonita the Virgin
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Wow James I haven’t had so many people stand 6 feet away from me since I had that explosive, uncontrollable diarrhea back in 2004. Lasted a full week. I’m still not allowed at that Target. But, still – if I hadn’t been home that day cleaning my pants, I never would’ve met your father. Silver linings, sweetie. Love, Mom

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I cannot believe I live in a country that thinks a zygote is a fully realized human being with rights, but still hasn’t decided if a black person is.  – AZ D.

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Neighbors: I’m involuntarily celibate seeking honest feedback as to why. Is it my aquiline nose? My spiritual rejection of ego and hygiene? My obsession with bird-watching? My framed Joy Division poster? My pet praying mantis (which I caught fair & square thank you)? Is it the shoes? It’s the shoes isn’t it? TELL ME! – Craig from E. Clapier
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Since you left I’m like a fish washed on shore, who flails in agony. Who gasps for the air you breathe. Scales dry, sun fade. What am I to do now? ~MB
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Oh no! I need to social distance myself from my refrigerator so I can flatten my curve! Lol! – Margaret

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General Grant, I am SO sorry I punched you when you introduced yourself as “a master of breastwork.” I wasn’t familiar with that term as it applies to famous battle re-enactments, and the chest-high earthen fortifications you specialize in creating with historic accuracy.  Mea culpa.   ~Dolly M.
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This is for the joker who was pogo-sticking down Schoolhouse Lane last Monday around lunchtime. You were a sight to behold! Like a hairless kangaroo, springing gracefully over traffic cones and recyling tubs. When you turned on Morris, I caught a glimpse of your determined chin in profile before you hopped out of view. Who are you? I’m gonna call you Bouncy.  – Tisha Marie

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C’mon dude! These aren’t real! All these ads are conartists after your personal information, and selfies of your junk. I have lots of other neighborhood tips and tricks, happy to share.  ~Herbie S.  PS Please reply with your personal information and a selfie of your junk
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People mistake inconvenience for oppression, and what that does is minimize the real pain and historical trauma that actually oppressed communities deal with. We call this privilege. – Mandela B.

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Love these masks, People. Timing couldn’t be more perfect, I started breaking out with a face full of zits just as this thing hit. Now it’s like a Benzol Peroxide spa for my complexion. Bonus: I can eat all the spinach and poppy seeds I want, and never have to floss! I don’t brush either, what the hell. My own breath makes me gag  sometimes but that’s my problem. ~Lucky Lucy

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My vibrator just filed a restraining order against me. But I think I have a pretty solid defense, I was under tremendous duress from isolation and ennui. My ben wa balls have my back on this, too. – Rosalie

Benjamin Franklin was a genius with electricity who strongly believed America’s symbolic Bird should be the turkey.
Elon Musk is a genius with electricity who strongly believes the medical experts are wrong about Covid.
Point being:
1. Being a genius at one thing doesn’t make you a genius at all thing.
2. We could be eating Bald Eagle for thanksgiving    — Thanks,  Dan O.

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Vernon Park 6-2-20. You were wearing a lightweight plaid scarf, a black T-shirt, thick-rimmed glasses, and cowboy boots with pointy toes. I think that if we met I would find you insufferable. — Tawny

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There comes a time when silence is betrayal.  — MLK
You can’t separate peace from freedom because no one can be at peace unless he has his freedom.  — Malcolm X
If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor.  — Desmond Tutu
It’s never too late to give up your prejudices. — Henry David Thoreau
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Terr,
When you lived closer, I fantasized about you all the time. I was just a kid then, and my idea of “romance” was holding your hand while we watched The Love Boat. In my wildest dreams, we were stowaways who won Capt Stubing over with our dazzling lounge act that nobody expected would be so amazing. Heard you’re around, I hope you see this. I’d love to reconnect.  — Nick at Night

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ATTENTION! Because of Covid for the first time ever, the NW Philly National Spelling Bee trials will be cancil… cancul… cansel… They’ve been called off for 2020. Thank you.

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Do you believe in angels and demons? SM, new to area, seeks brave sexy sidekick for heart-pounding adventures, paranormal and otherwise. Send me your photo. – Nephilimir
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Don’t get me wrong, Matt, I’m not judging or criticizing our night together. It’s just… Kinda felt like you were displaying your sexual prowess through some kind of weird naked interpretive dance that had nothing to do with me. I think we’re done here. (I’d rather have this conversation in person but oops social distancing. Sorry!)  — Jackie

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Oh to Tea & Touch again in the garden when the weather is nice. I long for ceremonial tea rituals followed by chakra massage. Why, what did you think I meant?  ~Laddie Grey

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Wake up call Sheeple:
This whole thing is a Vast Introvert Conspiracy (#VIC). Think about who has the most to gain. Introverts. You think they have a problem staying away from people?! No. This is a Revenge of the Nerds on a global scale. Something to think about.   ~Chet

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I am a white female in her early 40’s. You were very young, very skinny and very strong. We wrestled each other last Christmas at a Toys for Tots fundraiser that went horribly awry. (I thought the donations would be worth it but I was wrong.) Anyway I was reorganizing the holiday decorations and I think I have your shoe. Lemme know if you want it back, I’ll bring it by the councilwoman’s office. Sorry.  – Melanie

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Lincoln is the Lint King of Linkedin. I said Lincoln is the Lint King of Linkedin.
Got it? Now say it OUT LOUD:
Lincoln is the Lint King of Linkedin! Lincoln is the Lint King of Linkedin!
(Repeat as needed)
~ Salizar the Salad Czar
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Food for Thought: COVID spelled backwards is DIVOC. As in, “What DIVOC is going on?” The Universe works in strange and mysterious ways indeed….  Maria by the train station

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The longer I quarantine inside my house, the more homeless I look.  – Lara B Sharp

PLEASE NOTE: the East Falls Rants page is now Have an East Falls Life, Folks (don’t ask, you had to be there). Please note: ranting is still permissible and even encouraged. As are raves, reviews, reports and renderings of all kinds. You don’t necessarily need to have an East Falls day to belong, but it helps. — The Management

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Lennie, buddy. You got some low hanging fruit there pal. That shits saggin so low, it’s about to fall off your branch any second. For god sakes wear longer shorts.  ~Jean
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I’m no choir boy but I’m all gentleman. Retired, 60’s. Well-red & very active in social and business interests. Sometimes I like to dress like a cat and “stalk” around my Germantown condo. I enjoy astronomy, nature photography and artisan whisky. I assure you a walk in the park with me will be most delightful.   – Derrick J.

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Dude, Don’t milk the dead shark with that joke again. She laughed once. Nobody laughs the second time around. Even if you improved the delivery along the way. Don’t be a hack. ~The Wing Gal

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Man, all these doctors, nurses, microbiologists, immunologists, epidemiologists and other researchers keep saying COVID is dangerous but all these dudes I went to high school with who barely passed science say the threat is overblown. It’s hard to know who to believe anymore.  – Bob L.

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I found a woman outside the post office crying, she had lost $200. So I gave her $40 from the $200 I had just found. When God blesses you, you must bless others.  – Laverne J.

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Me: Be kind, you never know what someone is going through.
Also me: Nice turn-signal, dick head!

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What if the government wants us all inside because they’re going to surprise us with a new water park?! – Adam H.

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It’s disappointing that the current discussion is “how can we reopen businesses quickly so those businesses/employees can pay their bills?” rather than “how can we help businesses/employees pay their bills until it’s resafe to open?” How you frame a question really matters.  – Stacy L.

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In retrospect, in 2015, not a single one of us got the answer right to “Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?”  — Not-So Magnificent Carmac

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Two countries at the heart of the global financial crisis: UK and US
Two countries at the front of the nationalist wave: UK (Brexit) and US (Trump)
Two countries with the most COVID-19 deaths: US and US
Surely it’s time to ask why the Anglo-Saxon model keeps going to wrong. Right?  — Deandra
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I’ve noticed recently that time is much better at keeping track of me, than I am of keeping track of time.

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Joe Biden could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot Donald Trump and I would still vote for him. — C.D.

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Yo, covidiots: the mask that I wear protects you. The mask you brag about not wearing shows not only your lack of compassion for the people you share the Earth with, but also your unbridled stupidity. I’m not scared of anything other than the possibility of you reproducing. I have common sense and listen to the scientists and medical professionals who are far more well-versed in these matters than I am. I look at the history of other epidemics. You should try using your head sometime.

View more MISSED CONNECTIONS MAY 2020

About Karl Von Lichtenhollen 19 Articles
Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen is a doctor and fellow of the Applied Knowledges at Blödsinn Universität in Munich, Germany (1973). He was born and raised in the Nether Regions area of Holland, near Tainte, which he refers to fondly as a "Dutch Wonderland." Dr. Lichtenhollen once shared a houseboat in Amsterdam with the cast of a geriatric production of HAIR, inspiring his famous essay, "That Which I Cannot Unsee." He is a three-time recipient of the "Iron Feather" award. His hobbies include ascots, Highland wool sweaters and his pipe. He has a cat.

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