Missed Connections: April 2020

For your business and pleasure. Unscrupulously and doggedly gathered –and wistfully curated– by Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen

*COVID-19 EDITION* 

Our entire region is under stay-at-home restrictions, please for your safety and the safety of all our neighbors, do not go leave your home unless you absolutely must (for instance, to obtain groceries or healthcare, or if you work a job that is considered essential). 

For the most up-to-date information on COVID-19, Pennsylvanians should visit: https://www.pa.gov/guides/responding-to-covid-19/

In Philadelphia, text COVIDPHL to 888-777 to receive City updates to your phone.

Call the City’s 24/7 helpline to speak with a healthcare professional: 800-722-7112.

Support Local Business! For an updated list of neighborhood food & services still available in East Falls, join the East Falls Rants facebook page (also see Living in Germantown).

Business owners — advertise free on East Falls Rants! And email editor@nwlocalpaper.com for information about our new Pay-As-You-Wish policy for printed and online advertising. 

*     *     *     *     *

Guys, we’re all being traumatized here. Forty years from now our grandkids will be rolling their eyes at all the crazy old people guarding a closet full of toilet paper and hand sanitizer “just in case.” #youhearditherefirst

*     *     *     *     *

To Whom it May Concern:  I’ve almost completed my 90-day trial of 2020 – how do I cancel?! Signed, Tina with no job or 401k anymore  PS If slowing down and spending a little more time at home automatically so bad for  the economy, that’s a good sign that, spiritually, something’s probably wrong with our economy.

*     *     *     *     *
Hi Anne, it’s me, Anne. I’m writing to you (me) from the Future, when this Covid-19 crisis has passed and we’re married to Jeff – yes JEFF! – and hiding out with the Taylors in Nan’s basement from a race of, I guess you could call them, zombie overlords. Sue’s dead and so is Archie. Obviously Billy. But nevermind all that, just do us all a favor and fill the downstairs toilet tank with bars of Dial soap. I can’t possibly explain why but just do it. See You Soon! Anne

*     *     *     *     *

Pro Tip for Couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves and imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Brenda keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.  – Sean and Fran (Ridge Ave)

*     *     *     *     *

Sterling, I’ve never seen that before. A person creep into a parking space. But that’s how you roll, baby. Smooth, but inch by inch, slow and sleazy – you put it in nice and easy. Right into that parking space. I watch you do it every other Wednesday in front of the dollar store. Looks like a nice ride. If you spot me next time, walk up and hand me a $20. That way I’ll know it’s you.   ~ Unhappy Bored Woman

*     *     *     *     *

Sonny, Have to make a run through East Falls tomorrow around noon. Can’t stop for long, but would love to see you. I’ll be on the steps by the river. I won’t offer but I got that too if you want it.  ~Buddy Boy

*     *     *     *     *

Yo, Mare that Ford Focus your driving smells like wet farts!!!! Finally figured it out, its your heated seats lol!! They give you swamp ass and it soaks into the fabric lol!!!! I’m dyin, reading your Uber reviews. – Lori PS clean your butt, skank!

*     *     *     *     *
FACT: Philadelphia is one of the poorest of the big cities. There’s not just poverty. There is also a psychology of poverty and generational poverty to deal with. There is the need for welfare programs and housing. Programs that are the first to cut. The only talk of welfare is about people using the system. People looking at others thinking, why have so many babies that they cannot afford? The welfare lines in Philly seem mostly Black. Is this just my perception? Is poverty a culture? Do we protect the culture to spare the people insult and in so doing defend poverty? Poverty is like dirty laundry hidden in plain view. The poor don’t say a word; don’t care about the vote. They have to hustle, grind. The politicians and privileged snug as a bug.

*     *     *     *     *

Feels like the Earth just sent us all to our rooms to think about what we’ve done.  #sorrynature

NOTICE: Due to the short supply of disinfectants and cleaning supplies, dirty deeds will no longer be done dirt cheap. Thank you.  – Angus Y et al

*     *     *     *     *
I was on  a long line at 7:45 am today at Acme just before it opened at 8 am for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in front of the line, but an old lady beat him back with her cane. He returned and tried again but an old man kicked him in the gut till he was down then rolled him away. As he approached the line for the 3rd time, he said, “If you don’t let me unlock the door, no one’s getting in today.”  #truestory  — Phil

*     *     *     *     *-

Lou Dobson, it’s me Cheryl.  If you’re reading this, I’ll be gone. JK! (I’ve always wanted to say that.) Actually I’m in your kitchen, making corned beef!!! And drinking! You just excused yourself to make a phone call and I got bored rummaging through your cabinets so now I’m playing with your land line. HELLO! Hello!! I am so drunk! You are so cuuuute!! Hey I LOVE YOU!! And your cute butt!!! I want to BONE BONE BONE!!! YEAH!!! No wait, don’t put that in. Oh shit. How do I delete this? Hello?

*     *     *     *     *
Fred, it is a great comfort to know that I am not alone in my utter disdain and disgust for the whole of New Jersey’s residents. Rude on the road, rude in person. Stupid as all get out. Painful to be around. Honestly, just thinking about those awful people makes my skin crawl. Are we getting the house in Brigantine again?   ~Lucy

*     *     *     *     *
Hi, I’m Anthony, I need to get out of the house cause at my age your likely to melt away on your couch if you stay shut-in. Ha ha! Looking to get out and interact with people and help with some repairs. I’m older and good with wood, and a grandpa in need. Get your pipe unclogged, give you a Helping hand. Help with multiple joy stick opportunities. Plumber needed? You stay fully dressed, no game players or pic collectors. I’m old but not stupid. Again serious replies only please.       ~ Anthony, Sr.

*     *     *     *     *
On covid: If the schools are closed much longer, parents are gonna find a vaccine before science does. #truth #necessityisthemotherofinvention

Dear Carmen, You’re right. It is not healthy, my recent obsessing. I try not to think of you smashing that dirty hippie at Bonnaroo. But then I see him at the coffeeshop and he says hello with that “I saw your girlfriend naked” tone to his voice – well, it takes all I got not to clock him. Although technically we weren’t involved yet when you two hooked up, I was in the picture already. Just sayin.   – Ted
*     *     *     *     *

United We Stand!  The Living in Germantown: All Together Page has over 6,000 members who share local pics, stories, information and personal opinions of all kinds.  Free and public. While we’re all shut in, let’s keep connected to our neighbors for safety and peace of mind.

*     *     *     *     *

Paja, Panocha, Papa, Papaya, Pepita, Picha, Pucha, or Pupusa. I really don’t care WHAT you call it, I told you to stay the hell away from it. Now look where it got you. ~La Queue

*     *     *     *     *

When you mix politics and science, you get politics.  — historian John M. Barry, author of The Great Influenza.

*     *     *     *     *
Lovely Rita… I couldn’t help sing to myself when I saw you giving me a parking ticket, on my way out of Slices Pizza one afternoon. Naturally, I did my best to beg/talk my way out of it, but alas. You were right, I was wrong to lose track of time, chatting with Jimmy. Anyway, no hard feelings, huh? I dared not compliment you while you were on the clock, but I will now (with the deepest respect): You look quite fetching in your uniform, if you don’t mind me respectfully sharing that objective observation. Now I only park in front of expired meters, in hopes that I’ll see you again. Thank you.  ~Bear

*     *     *     *     *
Hi! Yes, it originated in China but the technical term is Covid-19. Like how your mom originated from the back of a Buick Skylark, but we all call her Judith. Don’t be mean. – Robert from GHS

*     *     *     *     *

De doo doo doo, de dah dah dah
Is all I want to sing right now
De doo doo doo, de dah dah dah
If only I remember how.

*     *     *     *     *

Fellow Foodies — Just cause we’re in quarantine doesn’t mean we have to eat crap. Stay strong and healthy with farm-fresh meats from Spring Hollow Farms.

ORDER NOW FOR EF FARMER’S MARKET PICK-UP! Or stop by NouVaux Market for quick, convenient groceries at East Falls’ neighborhood corner store.

Dear Farmers Market lady — No one likes your damn kale. “Saute in a little garlic oil” my ass. Still tasted like lawn clippings. Thanks for coming to East Falls every Saturday (11am – 1pm) with your fresh produce, but maybe try to bring stuff that tastes better. Like chocolate.  – William  PS See you under the Twin Bridges!

*     *     *     *     *
We had met once before, but this was our first date. After weeks of texting and rescheduling, both actual and fake (a girl can never play too hard to get) we finally had our rendezvous. I barely remember where we went or what we did, but I’ve been replaying every word of our magical conversation since we parted. Oh how we enthralled and delighted each other! One story begot thrice more! I could barely amuse you with my signature “One time at Oktoberfest…” story amid all of your “Back when I was skippering in Malasia…” tales. Our tête-à-tête continued for eight hours without one awkward silence. My darling Aldrich, will I ever see you again? ~Sookie

*     *     *     *     *

I’ve been thinking.  Y’all might as well start fixing the roads since everybody’s home. Also — has anybody let the Amish know what’s going on yet?  — Moose

*     *     *     *     *

FREE LANCE INSEMINATOR (Multi-species)
My name is Derry Greehan and I offer over 10 years experience in goat/sheep, cattle/horse, pedigree dog/cat insemination. Fully certified with a wide range of storage/transport options. Custom harnesses and mood enhancement available. OK to watch, no oral.   @thesperminator

*     *     *     *     *

If you’re an experienced labor organizer, please please consider stepping up
Help people organize #sickouts. Help people organize to not pay their rent
We shouldn’t have to go back to the same old after a damn pandemic!
Help people think through their barriers — Tara

*     *     *     *     *
Shanda – what was that all about? One minute we’re sharing a plate of nachos and the next, you’re  calling me out in the ladies room! So I take my shoes and wig off, and you run out the door?!! I’m not going to chase you down, girl. You want a piece of this, you come and get it. But I’m cool if you just want to share nachos.    ~ Makela

*     *     *     *     *
THIS IS FOR YOU who are reading this right now,
Know this: you are not alone.
~Universe Speaking
PS Carl Sagan says hi.

*     *     *     *     *

Hey! Do some yoga, it’ll make you feel better. Yoga Brain has a whole roster of great classes you can take online for just five bucks a class — free for Yoga Brain members. Register up to 1 hour before class via Mindbody for the Zoom link — it’s that simple. Follow Yoga Brain on Facebook for updates and inspiration for living your best life under crisis conditions.

Stay at home, win great prizes!! It’s VIRTUAL QUIZZO with East Falls’ favorite trivia emcee, Sean P Maguire. Pit your brain against the neighborhood’s sharpest tacks — with Sean’s rapier-like wit and creative, challenging questions. Follow Sean for more details…

*     *     *     *     *

PSA: It’s “COVID-19” not “CORVID-19.” A “corvid” is a member of the crow family. 19 crows are not gathering to kill you! (But if they are… it’s a murder.)

*     *     *     *     *
For Roman:

Gypsy dances and young Roma wine,
Dog roses in the dew,
Stolen glances — so sublime! —
When I remember you.

When I remember you, my love,
My stalwart travel guide,
I’m sad to think we’ve had enough
But glad to know we tried.

~Ana-Maria   (Szeged, July 2019)

*     *     *     *     *-

Many people consider the things government does for them to be social progress but they regard the things government does for others as socialism.
-Earl Warren, Chief Justice of the US Supreme Court (19 Mar 1891-1974)

*     *     *     *     *

Question for the Ladies – who are the HUNKY GUYS these days? I haven’t had a TV since the 80’s when Tom Selleck had all our panties tingling. Now I’m cooped up and looking for “inspiration,” lol! Who should I google? Is Mark Harmon still a thing? Thank you.   ~Marie
*     *     *     *     *

Vitamin Freak at Rite Aid
Basket loaded with all the gummies in the supplement aisle: fiber, calcium, vitamin C, Co-Q10, Omega 3’s, Probiotics, Hair and Nails… and a carton of Marlboro Lights. Red scrunchie, gray hoodie, nose ring, blue-streaked curls. No fucks to give. You had the cashier in stitches at checkout. Who. Are. You?  — DB

*     *     *     *     *

ATTENTION! This matter below is regarding Roxborough Turner’s sports club.  Signed, Rachel L.

“I just wanted to make a formal announcement! I am very sad to tell you I won’t be participating in Turner’s Dart League this year – or ever stepping foot inside Roxborough Turner’s sports club again unless the racist rule is overturned. I can NOT be a hypocrite and support an establishment that won’t allow people of color in their bar. I’ve always felt guilty about it, but this last season I made my decision. I will not bash Turner’s, our league, or spread any bad notions with ANYONE about the place. It’s a personal choice and it’s one I will stand by. It’s despicable that rule even exists! I will miss you all, my teammates!”

QUESTION: Have we tried throwing a billionaire into a volcano to appease the virus? Maybe we could start with a District Council member? #thinkingoutsidethebox

*     *     *     *     *

WHERE IS EVERYONE?  East Falls Rants Page has over 3,600 members and is a great source for all kinds of community information — from rants & raves to local resources and support which can be a real lifeline in these days of crisis. Free and public. Stay connected to your neighbors for safety and peace of mind.

*     *     *     *     *

Wow! Those were some VELVET PANTS on you, girl!! You know who you are. Strutting down Chelten in the middle of the day. Very classy! Deep rich maroon in color, soft and swishy around your ankles. Maybe they were velour though. Shiny! All eyes on you. Hope to see you again, I’m Raymond.

*     *     *     *     *

Hi, My name is Cheryl Doyle and I’m calling to request that a Missed Connection I recorded March 17th be deleted. I don’t know who to call about this but if someone could get back to me. I really spilled my guts to this guy and totally don’t want that public information. Thank you.

*     *     *     *     *

No fair! They said it would OK to just wear a mask and gloves to the grocery store. Liars! Everyone else was fully dressed.  – Will G.

To K, even though you’ll never see this. Wow, I just spent a week reading all our old letters and all the hundreds of pages of “journaling” I did back when we broke up. Honestly, I never wanted to think of you again but I ran into all this stuff while reorganizing the basement during the quarantine. Anyway, it blows my mind how immature I was – we both were – but me most of all. I have been cringing so hard my back’s sore! What a reckoning this time has been. I’m actually hoping we run into each other again sometime, so I can give you the apology you deserve. – Ophelia

*     *     *     *     *

Nothing else to do in quarantine but stare at those only two pictures I have of you. The closest thing I have to Time Travel. Oh what I wouldn’t give to have had the guts to do what I should’ve done back then. Or the balls to speak up now and set the truth straight for once and for all.  ~Fantine

*     *     *     *     *
My Buddy that was in Prison
We are both white guys, we met at SCI Chester but soon after I was released and then I ran into Skinny at Nico’s and he told me you been out since Feb. I think we should meet as soon as possible about pooling our resources and turning our lives around. Also, I kind of miss your toilet wine.  ~ Guayabera Guy
*     *     *     *     *
Jack, Jack. You used to invite me over when you were feeling harried from work or just plain life. We’d start with a few belts and end up singing the standards, with your boy David on the keyboards. He must be 30 years old now, or more. Those were good days, Jack. I’m sorry I can’t come see you now, it’d break my heart. Happy trails, my friend.  ~Rose Anne

Dubonnet, why you looking at me like that? So bittersweet and heady. A smile in your eye both wry and icy. You’re a mixed blessing, a spicy cure for all that ails me. Let me tell you a story: once upon a time, I went looking for magic among mediocrity and found you. Don’t give me that attitude, I’m a true admirer forever.  – Miss Bliss

*     *     *     *     *
Max: You carelessly invaded my six foot circle of social safety one Sunday at Vernon Park. “Sunshine is a natural disinfectant!” you said, coming close enough to touch elbows. Sorry I screamed. Neither one of us looked sick but still. Maybe you feel it’s your party duty to pretend like this is a hoax to make your boy look bad but that’s on y’all. I just want to stay healthy. – Joel  BTW, we’re no spring chickens, let’s not push our luck.

*     *     *     *     *

You: Cumberland Cummerbund look-alike. Dark and moody.
Me: Somewhere between Bette Midler and Carol Channing.
I was smoking a Benson & Hedges Menthol Light outside NouVaux Market, looking pretty cool if I do say so myself. You asked me where I got my hat and said we’d make a good Stag-n-Hag flick. Don’t know what that means, but I’d love to be in a movie! Hope to see you soon!  — Trixie

*     *     *     *     *
Paulie, My Darling, you need to know that the bees have been busy! Come get some Australian Bush Honey. My Bimble Box is leafy and sprouting. You can have Yellow Box or Red Gum, your choice – which ever kind you’d like.   ~G’day, mate, Mags from Joondalup

*     *     *     *     *

ME: Jesus, all I have in the cupboard is two cans of tuna, an expired box of jello and egg noodles.
1950’s COOKBOOK AUTHOR’S GHOST: Well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?

View more MISSED CONNECTIONS MARCH 2020

 

About Karl Von Lichtenhollen 16 Articles
Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen is a doctor and fellow of the Applied Knowledges at Blödsinn Universität in Munich, Germany (1973). He was born and raised in the Nether Regions area of Holland, near Tainte, which he refers to fondly as a "Dutch Wonderland." Dr. Lichtenhollen once shared a houseboat in Amsterdam with the cast of a geriatric production of HAIR, inspiring his famous essay, "That Which I Cannot Unsee." He is a three-time recipient of the "Iron Feather" award. His hobbies include ascots, Highland wool sweaters and his pipe. He has a cat.

Be the first to comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.


*


This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.