For your business and pleasure. Quizzically and furiously compiled, and spoiled by Dr. Karl Von Litchenhollen
TO REPLY OR PLACE YOUR OWN: Text 215-498-8874 or email DrKarl@nwlocalpaper.com (if you’re responding to a specific listing, please be clear so that he may properly assist).
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Goddamn it, Coronavirus. You have RUINED my weekend. Ruined it. I had all kinds of shit planned and now Ima hafta sit here staring at P’s ugly face all night and day. He’s all cryin and shit because I won’t let him bring his kids over but I don’t DO kids. In a goaddamn pandemic?? HELLO?!
(Ed note: great info & links for to-the-minute info on coronavirus in NW Philly & local suburbs here)
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You are so cocky, you cox. A bellowing brute, steering our scull. Your voice slices through the icy morning air, driving us on, commanding our strength. But wait! A “swain” is a “servant” to the ancient Norse who invented the word. So don’t be so full of yourself, Brad. — Jason
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Who wants arm candy when you can have a whole meal up your sleeve?! I’m like a big bowl of mashed potatoes with extra butter. I’m like a juicy mango with a squirt of lime and a pinch of salt. I’m a spicy jalapeno in a pool of melted cheese. I’m a crispy piece of bacon with a chewy strip down the center. I’m just realizing I forgot to eat lunch today. Brb – Heather
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Dear Dannie!….I read your post and see that you mentioned the library. I also love the books outside the main area that are for sale. Instead of paying $0.25 I often give $0.50. Sometimes even a $1.00! Can you believe that we still frequent the library to read books. In print! Hope to hear from you soon. TY, Greg
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New to Germantown and would love to start two things:
1) Chamber Ensemble – I’m a rusty cellist looking to get back into playing. Totally open to the instrumentation but I do prefer Western Classical esp Baroque. But I’m, of course, open.
2) Book Club – When I was in West Philly, I started a WOC book club and SO miss it. We read some great books, met at dope local black owned business, and engaged in amazing conversations. Can’t wait to do the same again. Hit me up if interested in either! — Khalilah
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I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this. –Emo Phillips, comedian, actor (b. 7 Feb 1956)
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I was hiking up a mountain in the Indian Himalayas, with my Sherpa, Bill – but the snow was getting too deep so I turned around. Bill didn’t notice. Half an hour later, I met Judy coming up the trail. I told her the snow got too deep, she asked if she could walk back down with me, how kindly did the fates smile upon me that day. But that Bill is a son-of-a-bitch. If you’re ever hiking up a mountain in the Indian Himalayas, and they ask you which Sherpa you want, do NOT ask for Bill. – Edward
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Salsa on the Schuylkill
Pop-Up Latin Dance Meetup
Every 1st and 3rd Tuesday
Beginner class 7pm
Dancing 8pm
Late nite menu
$5 cover with free off-street parking
Trolley Car Café
3269 S. Ferry Road
East Falls
Q: What did Romans use to cut string?
A: A pair of Caesars
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YOUR PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN NAME: last name + 2020 + last thing you said to your dog (eg “Burns 2020 Stop licking me!”)
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We saw you. Me and all the voices — except Mel — saw you. We all debated about it at length. I won’t lie, the arguments got ugly. We would like to know if you’d take us to the movies or dinner. Mel’s staying home. Aren’t you Mel? AREN’T YOU MEL?!!! ~Carla et al
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Hey there, studmuffin! Do people still say “studmuffin” these days? Can’t keep my eyes off you, reffing my daughter’s soccer game with your blonde chin scruff and those same blue baggy shorts. She wants to switch to gymnastics but I won’t have it. I’m sure thinking of you when I ring the doorbell, if you know what I mean. Call me Tammy. – Mrs Robinson
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Della M: I seen you outside Falls Deli, you dropped your license and I handed it back and said “Don’t worry I didn’t look at your age…” still though I saw your name and we totally know each other from high school but I didn’t recognize you because you looked so old and fat. Sorry I didn’t say hi, that was rude. – Pete Z.
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Travel Companion
Looking for male travel companion. Have fun and see the country. No obligations, no expectations. Free to be you and me. What places do YOU want to see? Let’s get going! Come on with me, Lazy Bones! ~Heidi Ho
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Rep. Rosita Youngblood, the first Black woman ever elected to a House leadership post, is retiring. It’s not a loss though, it’s a gain! She’s moving on to the next chapter in her life. She’s been a longtime Public servant and my mentor for many years I’ve been employed in her office. She’s a fighter for her Germantown constituents and that’s one of the many qualities she’s instilled in me. I’ve taken a leave of absence to run for her seat, I look forward to introducing myself as a candidate personally to as many voters as possible! — Darisha K. Parker
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Bookish brunette outside the Kanbar building, around 1pm Monday February 17th: I saw how you looked at me, and my heart skipped a beat. Maybe it’s love?! Maybe it’s because I was streaking through JeffU’s campus and security was chasing me? I’d really like to know. Hit me up! — Dave
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What’s in style in Germantown?
What was the best fashion era?
And do men still wear cuff links?
Do women still wear slips? — Diane
**DO NOT ATTEND**
Attention: liberal artists and intellectuals – many with NO TRAINING in journalism — are advertising a monthly “news party” for just anyone off the street. They are giving out alcohol! And taco dip and chocolate candy. FREE! Just to be neighborly?! I’m sorry but there has GOT to be an ulterior motive. I am planning a protest outside their office at 245 W. Chelten Avenue for Thursday March 12 at 7:30pm. I hope everyone will join me for the sake of journalistic integrity in NW Philly! — Cindy B
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Megadeath!!!! I need a girl who will go with me to this concert. Must like metal!!! I will cover tix, transportation, show program, and one (1) each: hot dog, beverage, souvenir t-shirt (form-fitting or low cut). You must be in shape. I am not in shape. ~Darlene
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I guess I’ll call you Casper cause you’re so white. You could stand to be friendlier, though. Don’t know what your deal is, reading your bleak Power Poems in that vanilla coffeeshop. No one else was listening, but you refused to catch my eye. What gives? I was the blue-haired guy in the fishnet tights and plaid kilt (yes that’s my real beard). See you around. ~Emilio
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Manly Men of East Falls and Germantown, I wanna buff and shine, clean and polish your tools. I know the drill for sure!!! ~Bobbie B
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Paul, you promised 2020 was the year. It’s mating season, baby, and I’m ovulating so hard it’s like Orville Redenbacher’s down there: POP POP POP go my eggs, shooting out my tubes and looking for your swimmers! Shut up and breed already!!! ~Excellent Physical Specimen
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YOUR STAR WARS NAME = first 3 letters of last name + the first 2 letters of first name (eg “Berba”)
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A few minutes before noon on April 28, 2006 I hurried out of my office, slightly late to meet Bob but still with plenty of time for Mother’s appointment. At the main elevators, I pushed the down button and — Bing! The doors opened like a sunrise: an amber, flaxen vision filled my eyes. To the young woman who squeezed past me that day, thank you for reminding me of all the beauty in the world. And for wearing that see-through blouse. – D. Old Man
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Dear Kate, it’s a long story. Let’s just say we got along better before Hans and his crew moved on. Without them videotaping our every move and interviewing us privately about our experiences, we found we had little in common – and really don’t even like each other. It’s almost as if the previous years together were just some sort of reality TV show, and we’d been pushed into a fake relationship purely for the drama and ratings. Weird. – Sam (seasons 3 -6)
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HOT WATER FOR TRUMP! Bring it here, I make a mean cup of tea. Fuck the bitter libtards with their $4 coffees! My delicious brew is made with sweet herbs and potent hemlock. Free for Republicans only. Sip sip sip. Tell a friend! ~Morticia
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IRISH TOAST:
Here’s to a long life and a merry one
A quick death and an easy one
A pretty girl and an honest one
A cold beer and another one!
Philly Prom Dress Drive! #AaliyahsBeautique is now taking Donations for your Gently Used Dresses, Gowns & Shoes (thru April 4th). #Repost to nominate a young lady in need! 💋💃🏾👭👠 — at Aaliyah’s Beautique 319 W. Chelten Ave SHOP: aaliyahsboutique.store
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Where are all the “Debbies” in the world? Doesn’t anyone name their kid “Vicki” or “Stacy” or “Cathy” these days? Where’s a good “Dawn” when you need one? A “Michelle,” maybe? “Carol”? “Linda”? “Dot”? When the world’s gone mad, gotta wonder where all the sensible names have gone. — Janet
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Dear Ms. Jamon: As one of the men from the area you referenced last month, I am more than willing and able to try out for a pair of your “human ear muffs!!!” I say to you: YES! Use your thighs as a human nutcracker if you wish. I think I look good in a speedo or as well as “street worthy” garments also. Now that we have found each other, let the games begin! I have been in contact with Dr. Karl, he will give you my number if you request it. — GW
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Got kids? Check out Allens Lane Art Center Summer Art Camp…just a few miles away in Mt. Airy. Painting, drawing, crafts, ceramics, theater, dance, singing, field trips, outdoor activities, games, crazy dress up days, and so much more. Let them come for just one week or sign them up for all eight! Learn more: allenslane.org/summer-art-camp
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Butch, our connection in Group was instant and extreme. Following up here. Pretty sure we can break out if we put our heads together. The guard changes at 9pm and you know how Doug’s always late well George’s wife had the baby so now he HAS to leave when his shift ends. So Weds – Sun there’s usually a window of like 10 – 20 minutes when it’s only Scott on duty. I say that’s our chance. Lemme know what you think. – Louie
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My parents fell in love in Gross Anatomy class. They were partnered on the same body, and spent the whole semester dissecting together in the lab, getting the best grades of their academic career. “It was magic!” my mom says and then my dad goes, “Abra-cadaver!” I wish people would stop encouraging them. ~Isabel
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A big FUCK YOU to the person in the white pickup that came tearing through East Falls on Ridge like a lunatic about 8 pm on Friday night. They had to be going a minimum of 60 mph. I don’t who the fuck you are think you are that your life is the only one that matters and endangering the lives of residents and others along our main st. — Amy
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Look, Bev. When Lennie said he never saw no cajoined twin afore he didn’t mean nothin by it. And you got no right bein’ mad at me for tellin’ him, why it’s as plain as the nose on his face! If he ain’t see past Joy and the flipper, then he’s not the one for you. No sense tryin to hide em under blankets and whatnot. Come, now. Plenty of fish in the Falls. – Dora Lee
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Juniper, thanks for the invitation, but I’ll take my magnificent desolation over your debasing consolations any day. ~Snuzzie
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We took the bus together from Boise, by Twin Falls we were buds. I shared my laptop and my lap. You rubbed my feet and fingered me for answers to your lofty questions. I think I gave you the wrong phone number. Definitely I gave you the wrong impression. Thanks, though, it was fun. ~Linda Carter
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Sing. Sing a Song!
Karaoke Every Friday
8pm – midnight
Franklin’s East Falls
Cresson & Bowman
YOUR NEWSCASTER NAME = middle name + mother’s maiden name
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Daye Kartz, if you think consciousness is uncomfortable, wait’ll you try enlightenment. ~Hobbes
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Patriotism is often an arbitrary veneration of real estate above principles. –George Jean Nathan, author and editor (14 Feb 1882-1958)
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Joe: I’m at that point where the truth is found to be lies and the joy within me dies. I really think I might need somebody to love, after all. (I hear this can be especially helpful when your mind is full of red.) Call me, it’s cool now. – Lilith
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Remember When??? We didn’t have to wash our hands every time we touched something? I think one of the worse effects of this pandemic is that I now have the song Happy Birthday in my head almost constantly. Make. It. Stop. — CG
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I HAVE: drinks smokes and green! Anyone keen?
Easy going and respectful, great sense of humor. Love to go out, or hang in. Movies, clubbing, gaming, concerts, shopping, partying, etc I’m up for anything except séances. I absolutely will not hold a séance with you. Maybe I could do a Ouija board though. If that was really important to you. — ~Bixley in East Gtwon
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Little Miss Long Shot, I regretted not getting that hotel room and spending some more time with you. I’m morally (and physically) ambiguous. Do you recall the offer you made when I finished singing the Flock of Seagulls song to you at Franklin’s? Hoping it’s still on the table. ~Increase Mather
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May your blessings outnumber the shamrocks that grow
And may trouble avoid you wherever you go.
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This column is a JOKE!!! I wrote in THREE TIMES and no one answered me. I think Dagmire is screening the messages, anyway (which is a conflict of interest). This is the last time I’m calling in because you suck. EFP 4EVER!!!
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Late Valentine’s Dinner at Relish: Well that was awkward. Ordinarily I’d have found it romantic, how we caught each other’s eye across the room and continued trading glances through the night. But we were clearly on dates with other people, so…. Wasn’t sure how to play it when you came up to us at the bar. I’m sorry I missed a beat when you made like we were old college friends. (I hope I didn’t get you in trouble.) — Tanya
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We exchanged addresses through a Barbara Streisand fan club, were pen pals for five years before ever meeting in person, what’s old is new again. I was worried that I was rushing into it, but I knew she was the one for me. On our 3rd visit to NYC we were married at The Plaza Hotel, which is where “The Way We Were” was filmed.
Today, she left me. The minute she walked out the door I turned on the radio. Streisand singing Evergreen. As god is my witness, I shall never listen to Streisand again. – Hubbell in Hell
HELP SCIENCE, MAKE MONEY! The Social Developmental Neuroscience team seeks kids, teens, and their parents (aged 11-14) to complete a paid study at Temple University’s main campus. $10-25/hour for up to 3 visits totaling up to 6 hours. If you or anyone you know might be interested, email sdnlab@temple.edu or call the lab for more (215) 204-2544.
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YOUR HIPPIE NAME = favorite tree + what you had for breakfast (eg “Willow Oatmeal”)
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You called it, Courtney B!! So you know how it went down with Josh. Fast forward to Becca’s birthday party, where everything comes out. Then! He ends up on my doorstep in the pouring rain, just like in the movies!!!! And I kinda want to let him in but call 911 instead cause WHAT A FREAK, RIGHT?! Ew. I’m so glad you’re my friend, it really helps to see things through your eyes sometimes. – Alicia #girlpower #thechicksarealright
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Speed camera on the Blvd going north bound where construction is on the bridge. White Jeep. — Matt
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My message to Uhura is as follows:
Dear Uhura, I am responding to your posting in THE LOCAL….could you please enlighten me as to how long the street project will last? It is quite an undertaking! The longer it goes on, the more personal and social adjustment for the people who live and work in the area.
Gregory W.
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Again? You drag me to the Short Film Festival all the way the hell up in Old Oak Orchardville
Throughout THE ENTIRE FESTIVAL, every single film you complained out loud how everyone in the films was average height (whatever that is). Hours of this for a stupid punchline: “I thought these films were about short people!” You’re such a jackass. ~Your Suffering Wife
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Worst. Date. Ever. A guy named Leon I met on Facebook (a friend of a friend). Went for beers at Attic to check each other out. OK, whatever. So we pick up a pizza at Nick’s to take back to his apartment on Midvale, where he says a party is going on. There is no party, just the smell of dirty socks and man-musk. He takes the only clean plate for himself, flips on the TV and the screen looks like somebody has been – well, you know – all over it. For awhile, too, it was all dried and gross. He starts loading up a 9/11 truther doc but I tell him I’ve already seen it and run out the door.
Going out again tonight, what do you think I should wear? – Jen
View more MISSED CONNECTIONS FEBRUARY 2020
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