Missed Connections: February 2020

For your business and pleasure. Compiled, arranged, rearranged, evaluated and arranged again by Dr. Karl Von Litchenhollen

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I waited on you at Wendy’s — it was a freezing out and you wanted a Frosty! I teased you a little bit. At first you seemed irritated but then had to admit it was a weird order on day like that. Didn’t help that you were wearing shorts and flip flops. Nice legs, though! Come by again, the Frosty’s on me.  — White Gucci glasses, million dollar smile

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All the hungry cold cats socializing with the warmer cats. Just thinking: A lot of people don’t realize a cat is supposed to be walked on a leash. They actually are supposed to meet the same standard as dogs. #realtalk #justsaying  — Diane

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For at least the third time, my dog and I have been struck by an aggressive car, while walking the crosswalk crossing Pulaski Street at West School House Lane. We’re okay but shaking. I was brushed by the whole driver’s side of the vehicle, while my dog just missed going under the front left wheel. The woman was driving a showy new white Infinity SUV. She did a rolling pause for about a second as I yelled, then she smirked into her rearview mirror and drove off. No witnesses, no time to grab a camera. I’m beginning to wonder why I seem to be such a target there? It’s a busy intersection but with good visibility and four way stop signs. These self-important me-first drivers are the worst! Be careful there!  — GH

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Alison, your mind and energy is beyond beautiful. For over 20 years you have made my heart race. I can no longer resist your charms. Not just yes but yes please, my dear. Let me know what I need to do from here.  — Chet

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Steve, I’m glad to have this opportunity to clarify on our earlier conversation: it’s not a cheesesteak if it doesn’t have cheese!! You’re a steak sandwich guy which is OK. Nothing wrong with that except that it’s stupid. Cheese is awesome. Case closed.  – Karen

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Dear Girl Scout troops,

Please post WHEN & WHERE you plan to sell cookies! Sincerely, Greedy lady who wants cookies.

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I sat across the aisle from you in coach on the flight from Philadelphia to Phoenix late Friday night on January 10th. I was wearing a dragon-festooned kimono and a butterfly print headwrap. You were thin, attractive, and very friendly after I finally broke the ice. “My what a large diamond pinky ring that is!” I said. You told me about your love for South Africa, your fear of sharks and socialites. Or maybe that was socialists. Whatever. I’d love to pick up where we left off. You said you had interests in Germantown so I assume you will see this. – Marjory

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“Electability” is code for “How many white people will vote for him/her.” Sorry but it is clear and obvious that POC aren’t being considered in your “electability” arguments. Because if they were- you would know what is happening with them and it isn’t what you think.  – Polly Political

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Very 420 Friendly! Nothing strange please just a cool dude seeking lady friends to pass the dutchie ‘pon the lefthand side. Friends first and maybe only. I don’t know. I’m 48 and sick of the whole dating game bullshit. Can we just hang out? Watch some old school TV. Plan a vacation we’ll probably never take. — Mel

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Linnea, we are all merely players. Performers and portrayers on the world stage. We’re also each other’s audience, aren’t we? No, don’t mind them, that’s just stage crew. Stop goofing off in the wings, guys, they can hear you out there!    ~Red B.

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Every Thursdays with the Local paper
Germantown & East Falls
Free wine/cheese/snacks/etc
This month: FEBRUARY 13
(7:30 – 9:30pm)
245 W. Chelten Ave

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While walking my dog last night around 6ish, I almost got hit twice by cars while trying to cross the street in East Falls. People speed and also don’t fully stop at stop signs and it’s so frustrating! Does anyone have any ideas on how to curb this? I don’t have any children, but can’t imagine how parents feel whose kids are out playing. –Katie

Click here to learn more about Pack Walks

Omg D! You’re not just hot in those disposable unisex institutional underwear – you’re Dainel-Craig-in-Casino-Royale hot!!!  So glad I brought a pair home for you from the hospital the other night. Even gladder that you agreed to model them for me on Facetime. Love your little dance. Lemme see that bootie shakin again soon!  ~Nurse Knuckles

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I’m just going to say this, pray for your Harvey St and Pulaski Ave neighbors near Wayne…there is LITERALLY a HUGE hole that shut down the block…and they’ve been at this project for YEARS…I WONDER if they looked at archives before planning these projects, figured out the dangers, or just dig make this up as they go along. 😒  — Uhura

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Dobson: good god I was gobsmacked. The most intellectually delectable dish, so nutritious and suspiciously addictive: you! A prize for my mind to consume. Shocked speechless by our immediate bond, my tongue was not so tied as tripped. I’d like to feast more, if you’re willing.   ~Sherman
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To Whom It May Concern: All claims against the estate of Hubert Ronald Washington also known as Tommy Salami also known as Keanu Reams also known as Saddong Hussein also known as George Pooney late of the East Falls section of Philadelphia, PA who died on or about the 14th day of January 2020 must be filed up your ass, sucker! You’re not getting a dime off these movie royalties, he signed them over to me years ago. Little Ronnie aka Audrey Hipburn aka Scarlett-Jo Hands-On aka Jennifer Anuston aka Barbara Bush.

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Moon man, Sun maid, Star shine.
Golden Boy, Copper Girl, Silver dream.
Molten under pressure
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Darius J: We used to have brief meetings at your place. Boxers, too, sometimes. Thought I’d never miss your banana hammock but here we are. Shall we adjourn again, friend?  ~ Keeper of the Minutes
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This is for the incredibly cute guy watering the planters outside the hair salon on Conrad. I was deep into a crappy Wednesday morning, but your Rick and Morty sweater made me smile. Did I notice a mutual attraction? I doubt you’ll see this, but if so, let me know if you could use a new plumbus.  – G

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RE Stolen Trash Cans: Highly recommend putting your address on the can with large stencils and spray paint. Unfortunately, the large address won’t stop someone from puking in the can. I had to clean out a quart or so of fresh puke yesterday at ~2PM. The can was in a cubby behind my house. — Mike

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Oh Sandy. Thought I was a lost cause. Then right when I needed it most, you reached out with an open heart. Also some really sweaty palms that smelled like Fritos. I’m yours forever.  ~ ”Chili”

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East Falls Farmers Market
Saturday 11am – 1pm
Fresh seasonal produce, goodies, crafts & community
Buy Local all Year
under the Twin Bridges (4100 Ridge Ave)

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News alert! For everybody especially us living or working in the hood. Folks of a kind are going underneath other’s cars and literally cutting out their catalytic converter. Taking the part and scrapping it. Usually get a good penny for it cuz its heavy. A dear love one been victimized of such act. If you doubt me go to a near-by scrap yard and ask on an average how many of these items come through. It’s such a shame we can’t keep a thing after we work hard for it.  — Cassie

CONGRATULATIONS to GFS alumna Kristen Welker (’94) on her new role at the Today Show! – Germantown Friends School

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Missed Connection for Every One I’ve Banged in East Falls:
Since the Rants page blocked me, I assume this will get flagged as well. You’ll just have to text or call me somehow. New phone tho so ask Robin maybe? Or just show up at my door. Even though I don’t live behind any of those doors, anymore.  — Jeff J.

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Bruce, I will say it again: you are my favorite bank teller! I love how I can talk to you about anything, even when the people behind me in line complain to the manager. Sometimes I worry that we aren’t really friends but then you always wipe my tears away before you call security. I meant what I said about free room and board and use of my car. – Miss Emily
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In line paying for your crunchy hippie shit at the Vaux market: cute brunette in Cardinals beanie. We smiled, made eye contact, you tossed your hair and all. You were coy when I asked if you were single, told me to keep an eye out for you and ask again later. Well? I’ve been looking, girl. Where you at? Are you single or what?  — Chiefs jacket with blond hair & glasses

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Stocky ginger at the rock gym around 7pm on a Tuesday night. You were so checking me out, dude, giving me your best game. Saw you again the next day with some guy outside Slices. I said hi but you totally ignored me. WTF? Don’t ever talk to me again. – Nandi
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Oh My Czech Mate,
I don’t speak a lick of Czech, and you don’t speak any English.  I hope you know what I mean when I say, “Gratuluji, našli jste tajnou zprávu, pošlete nám své jméno a vyhrajete cenu.” I am sincere. If you find this, please find me. I have coffee while I digest my Reader’s Digest at Le Bus every third Tuesday, except for March, September and January when I go every second Thursday. ~Landon

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Jonathan I was wrong. I didn’t think you could possibly be any more stupid but I stand corrected. OF COURSE I have a problem with what happened with you & Jill. I actually said those words to your slack-jawed face before you two went ahead without me. And then broadcasted it. How can you think we’re OK? How can you be that dumb? I’m Mensa, dammit. Mensa! And I’ve had enough.  — Murph Dog

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Georgie, well, you might think that about me, but I got a heart full of truth cause I paid my dues. I tell it like it is, you sugar coat it with chocolate glazed drizzle. Delicious but fake. Wish you could take in the view from my window, doesn’t get more real than that.  ~Carolina
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Hey East Coast Christa with the Garden State Smile: I wish I could fly out to see you in SF, even if just for a layover. I’ll bring you flowers and lay a lasting hug on you – after 30 seconds, our bodies will enjoy a delightful flood of endorphins and oxytocin. If you’re lucky, I’ll slip you some butterscotch Krimpets. I’m working on it.  ~D

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**E L V I S!**
Feel the Love!
1st Annual Valentine’s dinner & show
at Andy’s Diner & Pub, Conshohocken
Just $40 per person
Starring Jeff Krick!!!! 
Elvis impersonator extraordinaire
For tix, call Rich Rapp 267-303-5880 or Mary Martin 215-316-8457

Barbarino, you big baby. So you were the only guy in the theatre for the matinee of “Little Women” – suck it up, buttercup! Real mature, making stupid jokes about why there weren’t more midgets, which by the way is a slur. Next time, just say you don’t want to go. ~Your Better Half

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GermantownKitchenGarden.com is open for 2020! You can purchase a Farm Stand Share, a cut flower seedling box, a vegetable seedling package (choose from 3 sizes), and gift certificates! Head over to the website to learn all about this neighborhood farm, and please consider supporting this year. The plant nursery opens in April, the Farm Stand opens in Spring!
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Windsong, teach me all you know,
Sunlight, beam your worldly glow.
Currents, take me miles away
Forests, call me home to stay.
— Child of the Wissahickon
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Derwood You Dirty Old Man, you need to slither out of the swamp and join us in 2020. Have some respect for women and other points of view. Wake up from your slumber. It’s not 1974 anymore!  ~Tabitha’s Not Taking It (and neither are the other gals at the t-shirt place)

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ISO Granny-type for meaningful relationship
I never had a grandparent and I’m at that age when I’d like someone pushing me into blind dates and nagging me about having children. Phone or text ok but I am hoping for Sunday dinners or occasional milk and cookies at the least. I can feed your cat(s) and be available for small errands. – Jesse
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I Ride That Line Between Naughty and Nice. You know the kind. I look innocent on the outside, beneath the surface I’m a wild one indeed. The other day my socks didn’t match. Sometimes I’m late returning library books and I don’t care or anything! I just pay the fine and even laugh that it’s so cheap. When I do the dishes, I’ll often leave one dirty plate or glass in the sink. How indecent of me! Rowl! Are you the buttoned-up bad boy of my dreams?  Call me!  — Dannie

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To Lily: After your second day of work tomorrow, maybe we could get some dinner? I like the way you ride too, I was just a bit shaken by our near-death experience together so I didn’t ask for your number… Hope you made it home safe and your dinner is warm and filling. 🙂  ~Thomas
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Morris on Indian Queen, I call you out, brah. It just got real. ~Excelsior from Vernon Park (now biding my time with some douchebag in the Mills)
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Look it, Hot Men of Germantown and East Falls! How would you like to have human ear muffs wrapped all around your sexy ears and head? Well, I got a pair right here for you. In case your stupid, I’m talking about thighs! MY thighs! Thick thighs, strong thighs, Magic Mountain blow-your- little-lizard-brain thighs. The only ones better are Tina Turner’s, but I doubt you have access to hers. So here’s mine! I’ll crack your head like a chestnut with these thighs. If you look good in a Speedo, you know how to find me. – Crushie Cuisses de Jamon

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Hello, Ron, thank you for using Arif’s Legal, now providing excellent services from Munduk, Indonesia via Fiverr.com. Here’s the final proof for the court-ordered public disclosure to go in The Local paper of the Northwest of Philadelphia, PA. As requested, we redacted sensitive information disallowing of course for our language boundaries. Thank you again it pleases us to participate in the great and respectable system of justice for United States.  — Arif Aditya, Esq

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Excuse me everyone but, seriously, what’s so funny about peace, love and understanding? I don’t get the joke.  ~Jitterybug

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I lost my keys they are on a Disney chipmunk lanyard it’s brown I last saw them at Greene and Johnson street, please lmk if you happen to run into them please and thank you.  — Ngaio

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That Guy I Miss from Summer,
It’s winter now, you know how I have to hibernate in winter. Please just come over, let me settle you in with warm chamomile, dark chocolates, the peaty scotch you like. I’ll even light all my expensive candles, burn some passion dragon incense from our trip so long ago. We can watch Scrubs again, in order this time. Come wait for spring with me in my private subterranean comfort zone. Don’t fear the darkness, it’s quite beautiful in here.  ~Penny
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PGW is really drilling a hole in the ground on my block at 9:50pm!!!! I want to fight someone!! Like, really?! And mind you this is the same hole they been messing with for months!! Repeatedly digging it up and covering it back up WTH?! — Sydney

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Don’t cheat on her, Hugh, it’ll be a huge mistake. Let this be my one and only warning before we both do something stupid. Difference is, I have nothing to lose. Don’t expect me to have willpower for you. — Toni

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When we tell them that the tree is not a who, but an it, we make that maple an object; we put a barrier between us, absolving ourselves of moral responsibility and opening the door to exploitation.  Robin Wall Kimmerer

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Jack B. Seeks Recommendations on East Falls Rants:

Jack B.  Oh I have a rant: Why do I have to settle for gas station food with hand-written expiration dates over the real ones? Where’s a good 24-hour diner nearby?

Eric M.  One of my chief complaints about the area. Beyond 24 hours, there’s just a lack of good spots to sit down and eat quickly. Bob’s Diner would be great if it wasn’t overpriced, dirty and mediocre.

Cherilyn S.  Eric M. I ate there once and couldn’t believe they somehow stay in business.

Aaron O.  East Falls is basically in a food and grocery store desert. The suburbs are more convenient. The upside, is that there is no temptation to spend money, because there is little to spend money on. In the city, one can spend $20 just stepping outside.

Sybil G.  There is such a thing as cooking your own food or is that a lost art

Joel T.  I like diner counters for the environment and people watching

Aaron O. Sybil G. Options are sometimes a thing too.

Eric M. Minding your own business is a lost art too, I guess.

Sybil G.  Eric M.  Notice that is the only thing you say to everything. 😏😘

Sybil G.  Aaron O. Agreed. I like to keep them open. But fall back on knowing that something is good at home too.

Aaron O.  Sybil G. I found that in my life, when I ate out all the time I missed home cooked meals, and when I eat in everyday, I miss eating out. I can’t justify the expense of fine dining, but having a break from cooking is nice sometimes.

Kelly Ann S.  Try Taylor’s Cafe in Roxborough. I think their food is awesome! 6144 Ridge ave

Michael P. W.  Grubhub. Plenty of food out there.

Valerie K.  I believe Andy’s Diner in Conshohocken is 24 hours.

Kev E. The Dining Car (on Frankford Ave) is my favorite diner in Philly, but bit of a hike from East Falls.



About Karl Von Lichtenhollen 67 Articles
Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen is a doctor and fellow of the Applied Knowledges at Blödsinn Universität in Munich, Germany (1973). He was born and raised in the Nether Regions area of Holland, near Tainte, which he refers to fondly as a "Dutch Wonderland." Dr. Lichtenhollen once shared a houseboat in Amsterdam with the cast of a geriatric production of HAIR, inspiring his famous essay, "That Which I Cannot Unsee." He is a three-time recipient of the "Iron Feather" award. His hobbies include ascots, Highland wool sweaters and his pipe. He has a cat.

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