Missed Connections: January 2020

For your business and pleasure. Mercilessly & meticulously compiled by Dr. Karl Von Litchenhollen

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To the Dude (I pray you know who you are)

Every morning I wake up, drag my ass out of bed, slurp down a coffee, look in the mirror, don’t recognize myself, shave my legs and pits, comb my hair, cover my zits with make up, dash down to the train, make my way to Center City, work my ass off at my soul-less job, jump back on the train, crawl home, heat up my leftovers, watch a Netflix with a glass of box wine and cry myself to sleep. Is there something more?

I see you everyday on the same trains on the way up and back. I would love to hold you in my arms, or hold your hand on the way. Steal a kiss in the station. Love to just say hello. But I’m too shy. Why am I invisible? Please see me.  ~Dorothy

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Whoever stole the package off of the porch at 3579 Indian Queen Lane: fuck you. Thanks for taking the only present I got this year from my family. My mom doesn’t have a lot of money and chose to get me a present despite that and it wasn’t even worth a lot of money. I’m sure it’s in a dumpster somewhere.  — Foxy

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Yo brah (and your brah too) with your stoned little faces in the coffeeshop. Behold! Verily I shall smite thee. And vigorously I shall shred your dreams. I hope you had a good 2019 because 2020, all Hell’s gonna break loose.  ~Fallen Angel

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If you are one of the people who tries to make a left turn out of the BP station onto Calumet… I have some choice words for you!  Lauren Elizabeth

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I wish the world was flat like the old days, they said, so we could travel just by folding a map. And I thought of sea dragons on the edge of the abyss, as the clock struck midnight on a brand new year without you. I don’t feel different but my world’s still not the same.   — Cutie

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Antonn, Maybe you didn’t get the memo, my woman card was upgraded after I birthed our son. I am officially no longer obligated to go down there. I’m out. ~Geena

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Some contact, hi!

You, a stranger just smiled
At me, and also a “hi!”
And now I’m so high.
Contact high!
Won’t you be my neighbor?

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Attitude is altitude, right? Saw some hippy thing on visualizing positive things happening. Gave it a whirl. Wouldn’t you know? Every light was green on the way to work, where nobody bothered me. When I got home, there was a parking spot waiting for me right in front of my house! I was thinking, this visualization shit works! So when I ran into you at Le Bus that night, I fully expected to get lucky. I think that’s why I was acting like such an ass. Really sorry. I blame the Discovery Channel. Can we try again?  — Sam

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Am I bad person for cheering for the Crawford Street Buses?? I like how no one suggests actually contacting our Councilman on the issue. East Falls gets the superheroes it deserves — old Schmill Schmepstein yelling at bus drivers just trying to do their jobs. Do complainers know it’s only temporary while a school undergoes asbestos repairs? And only twice a day for like 40 minutes? Any excuse to freak out and bitch about charter schools, I guess.  — Shawn

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Well, the trashcan thief hit the 3600 block of Stanton. One of the larger, heavier duty gray flip top ones. Oh, locked with a padlock to keep it shut too. Or it decided to free itself from its mundane existence. We may never know. But if you happen to see someone wheeling around a padlocked heavy duty trashcan, or even padlock-less one complete with 2 different drill-sites.. let them know I’d appreciate it coming back home. — Bobby

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Todd, You drunk bastard! How dare you! Why I oughta…  12/16/19 a date that will go down in infamy.  ~Lyn, Rogers and the Dumpster

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Hi Everyone, I work at Jefferson PhillyU campus in the Mansion right off of Gypsy Lane. Its a beautiful campus with lots of trees and greenery. People walk their dogs on our campus daily. To the guy who was just here walking his 2 pit bulls that just went after a student…..if you keep your dogs on leash, that would NOT have happened! You are going to ruin it for everyone who walks their dogs here, as Security will start making folks leave campus grounds. Don’t ruin it for everyone!

Vault + Vine is seeking a Part Time Barista
email cover letter & resume to cafe@vaultandvine.co

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Jorge, you’re right. I need to put it out of my mind. I don’t think I ever will, though. I know it’s the only way to move on. I know that holding onto this shit is only hurting me. But I can’t see how I’ll ever look at your face without thinking of that night you crossed that line. The rain and the heat and the lights on the river. The screaming. The things that can’t be undone. Don’t try to find me, it’s better this way. ~ Jen

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Excelsior, thanks for the Christmas present, pal. A fresh cat turd in my briefcase, how did you know? And so cleverly nestled in the middle of the year-end report I had been working on all goddamn month. For quite possibly the most important meeting of my career. Impressive, how you managed to shred only the most important pages with information specifically requested by our CEO. You shouldn’t have! Guess what I got you in return? A water cannon. Here kitty, kitty.  ~Alex

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You took it the wrong way. When I said I wanted to taste your waffles, I honestly was talking about your literal waffles, the recipe you made for everyone at the cabin before I got in. I don’t know why Josh laughed, I wasn’t trying to be crude. Sorry if you were embarrassed.  ~Syrup Goes On Top

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The question is whether or not you choose to disturb the world around you, or if you choose to let it go on as if you had never arrived. –Ann Patchett, writer (b. 2 Dec 1963)

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Ha ha, Alexis and Friends – they’re building it anyway! Ruining the sanctity of your emerald gem. Lol! I’ve waited 10+ years for this, sure as hell I’m gonna rub it in.  – Your neighbor (who you stopped talking to over a playground)

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Super random but I was driving down Henry Ave the other day and saw a couple walking their young Brittany. Just wanted to say your pup is beautiful and I have two brits myself! — Heather Anne

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Couple with Very Anal Wife seeks older parents with large quantities of Lego in various shapes, sizes and colors all mixed together somewhere in storage. Come over for cocktails and conversation while she organizes it all into separate, labelled bins. WE ARE VERY DISCREET!

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We talked at the bus stop on Chelten Ave. You wore a black coat and had a really nice scarf for a man! I liked what you said about personal responsibility — and that funny family story you told, about the meatloaf. I should’ve said yes when you suggested a cup of coffee at Uncle Bobbie’s. I take the bus every Tues & Weds. Hope to see you again soon.  – Eleanor

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Boring Bertha in HR, with your half a cheese sandwich and soup every day. Your perfect penmanship, your sensible shoes. The way your hair never changes, just gets a little grayer every year. I wonder if you’re lonely too but I’m too afraid to ask.  ~Bland Brett in IT
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Know this, Fallsers — an octopus eats from a black beak in its ass. Think about it. ~Squiddoo

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Cecil B, stop calling. Nobody home for your bullshit. Try Lady or Junior and leave me out of it. I see you on the corner, Ima just walk on by.  ~Odessa

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Stacy, fun fact: from ‘85 to late ‘88, I rejected the affections of no less than 10 girls because I was sure you were the One. Is it pathetic that sometimes I still think/hope we’ll wind up together? ~Midlife Matt

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Waitress at Relish, Sunday brunch after Christmas. There was a whole bunch of us — you took our picture, had me stand in the middle with my sharp white suit. “Get all around Mr Man!” you said. Slipped me your number real quick but the wife saw and ripped it up in the car. That’s why I haven’t called. You’re beautiful.   ~Edmond

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Everyday, You are awake. Alive. Able to move about, more or less. You can see. All the colors are there for your pleasure and delight – sounds for the ears. Look at the sky, a constantly changing piece of Art. Aren’t you the lucky one? Isn’t the only appropriate response to this truth gratitude?  ~El Paca
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He said, ”It’s cute that you’re so self-defecating” and I said “Don’t you mean ‘self-deprecating’?” and he said “What’s that?” and I didn’t know, really, I just knew it was a word people said. Then he asked me if I needed more toilet paper, and he was right I did.  ~Rummie

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Lena H., Our conversation was a sweet session of trading fours. I was all saxed up, weren’t you? ~D. Brubeck
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Slow clap for my new friend Trey on Cresson or Layfayette or Skiddoo — one of those weird streets near the train station. I thought I knew what a “pub crawl” was – but wow. I’ve never actually seen anyone c-r-a-w-l from bar to bar. Are your knees ok? Tell Scooter he’s a madman. ~Chimp Chimp
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Looking for the King of Queen Lane. He bought me wings at the Crab House just to watch me eat them. Said he liked the way I fit a whole one in my mouth then pulled it out clean as a whistle. You should see me eat shrimps, I can spit the peels from the porch to the sidewalk. Try me. – Princess near the post office.
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Everything you add to the truth subtracts from the truth. –Alexander Solzhenitsyn, novelist, Nobel laureate (11 Dec 1918-2008)

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Dec 12, Blue pickup: I was raking leaves on Morris and we waved at each other when you drove by – twice! Saw you start to circle back around again but then I remembered I was in my work clothes and hadn’t showered or nothing so I ran back into the house. If we can try this again sometime, may I suggest a Friday or Saturday night around 6pm? ~ Monique

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I’m getting tired of the Debate Responses to White Supremacy. 1. Criminal Justice Reform is not an answer to a question about White Supremacy. 2. Talking about Black Infant Mortality is not an answer to White Supremacy If you can’t talk about it I can’t vote for you. Polly Political

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Brothers and sisters, be the eyes and ears of your block. Make an effort in 2020 to really see your neighbors – the mothers and children, the grandparents, the people on the corners just trying to get by. Clean your street, take pride in where you live. Show you care. – Jamal

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Genadiy is looking for recommendations on East Falls Rants:

Hello neighbors! Since it’s our first winter in USA, we would like to take our kids (2,4,6) somewhere. where there is snow. They haven’t seen it live so far. I am looking for a suggestions where to go to get snow for sure. If such place exists in Philly, even better 🙂 Thank you

Cherilyn snow tubing is so fun! The kids would love it!

Daniella  Be patient, they’ll see it soon enough – then they will join all of us in wishing it would GO AWAY lol

Kev EG My thoughts lead to Blue Mountain, Poconos, Jim Thorpe

Adele  Hi! Snow lover here, This area can be hit or miss but usually our biggest storms are January through early March. If you don’t mind a few hours drive the Poconos up the mountains is a great spot for some certain snow. ❄️ ☃️

Lauren  The Poconos have snow now on the slopes. You can take them snow tubing at a few of the mountains. It’s about an 1.5-2 hour drive. They also have an indoor water park resort there. Spring Mountain is about 45 minutes away. It’s a small mountain but it’s nice for a quick visit and for the little guys. I would take my daughter there for a day trip when she was younger as it is not too overwhelming of a mountain to try the winter sports. Have fun!

Arlene   Just wait

Paul   If you really want to experience it, I mean EXPERIENCE it, go for a weekend in Vermont. Killington, or any of the country inns up there. You can check for snow cover before you go. AAA may have a family vacation package.

Aaron  I second Vermont if you don’t mind driving, they have real mountains there.

Bobby   Closer is Spring Mount…once it is cold and first snow storm, go there. springmountainadventures.com

Gingie  Lake Placid, NY. Everything you want.

Nadia  Poconos!!

Dan  Plenty of spots north for snow activities. Montage Mountain near Scranton has tubing and events throughout the season like Carve 4 Cancer’s annual fundraiser. Jack Frost/Big Boulder is close to Split Rock which has an indoor water park. But let’s hope we get slammed with a good storm or two in the city. Always a good time.

William  Sky Top Lodge (PA) and Mohonk Mountain House (NY) are both fancy old resorts where you can do things like snowshoe and ice skate and make s’mores, etc. Sky Top looks like the hotel in the Shining!!


About Karl Von Lichtenhollen 63 Articles
Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen is a doctor and fellow of the Applied Knowledges at Blödsinn Universität in Munich, Germany (1973). He was born and raised in the Nether Regions area of Holland, near Tainte, which he refers to fondly as a "Dutch Wonderland." Dr. Lichtenhollen once shared a houseboat in Amsterdam with the cast of a geriatric production of HAIR, inspiring his famous essay, "That Which I Cannot Unsee." He is a three-time recipient of the "Iron Feather" award. His hobbies include ascots, Highland wool sweaters and his pipe. He has a cat.

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