Missed Connections: December 2019

For your business and pleasure. Painstakingly assembled, without instructions, by Dr Karl Von Litchenhollen

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hey east fallers. just a heads up for those who enjoy a nice stroll on kelly drive. i was running yesterday around 4pm. There was a naked man in the middle of the path right near laurel hill.. he obviously didnt seem of sound mind and i have seen him around there before. It definitely was scary. please stay safe ✌!  — Neek

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My boyfriend saw a person seemingly stalking the Fedex truck up Calumet. Wearing a camo jacket, face covered from the eyes down and had a backpack. He left when he noticed he was seen.

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When I woke this morning cold with a side order of deep eternal despair, I did my stupid heartfelt gratitude bit, but it didn’t seem to take. Thank god for late 80’s punk rock music. That’s all I’m gonna say.  — Snicky

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My secret to longevity? Eat well and ostracize.  – Some Old Guy on a Porch in East Falls

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Stunning Photos from Ukraine
by Eddie Einbender-Luks
plus mixed-media installation
by Joseph Edgerton Krause
with Carlito Cruz’s many

Artist self portraits

Thru Dec 28th 2019
5538 Gtown Ave

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To Answer Your Question, Jen: sure, why not. I’ve always wanted to disappoint two women at the same time. Should I bring it up with Brenda or will you?  — Mike

Looking for Joe Roxborough. I was in the Delmar Lounge, baby. Never had the chance to show you what I promised. Come looking for me, I will deliver.  — CJ

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Brad, I’m sorry I haven’t been in contact for the past 6 weeks. My life feels like a test I haven’t studied for. If my mind was an internet browser, there’d be 19 tabs open, 3 frozen, and I’d have no idea where the music was coming from. I guess this means we’re on a break? Let’s still do Quizzo, though.  – Liza

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Nance, Thank you for showing me The Jar – your lidded ceramic pot filled with the thorns from every single rose you’ve ever been given. Why? That jar is spiteful, sad poetry. But I respect it, and you. I’d love to chill again. PS I’ll only ever give you daisies and wild flowers with NO prickers.  ~Pete

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Citizens, I can’t be the only gal that’s had a déjà vu in Murphy’s. I time travelled. The wood walls took my mind back to the colonial days of East Falls, when the rapids roared through our tiny fishing village. I was a saucy maiden, then, pushing my luck with the bar boys. Suddenly, I felt rough, masculine energy about me and the smell of sweat and tobacco. Also: onion rings! They make the best onion rings. Murphy’s, not the colonial guys. That was just a daydream.  – Marcie

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A warning to neighbors that park on Pulaski near W. Rittenhouse Street: the catalytic converter and sensor were stolen off my car sometime this week. People are shit. That is all.  – Kim

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Maplewood Mall: We met just before construction began. Saturday afternoon. Hooked up outside between some parked cars around lunchtime. I really enjoyed your company and would like more. You have a lot of class. I’d like to take our relationship to the next level. Tell me how we do this? – Juneaux

Development always seems to mean destroying bits of the natural world that we love. The weeping willow, for example, has been with us for so long, providing summer shade and year-round beauty. I know landscaping is in the new plan for Maplewood Mall, but it will take many, many years to replace the large beautiful trees we have lost. My heart breaks.  – P

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Sister P: The Home for the Drawn and Aged is on Henry Avenue, some fifty miles from my current location. With the two o’clock bus I should get there well before nightfall. Then I can spend the night, keeping the usual vigil, and be back home by tomorrow evening. I have fixed up with my employer for two days’ leave; obviously, under the circumstances, he couldn’t refuse. Still, I had an idea he looked annoyed, and I said, without thinking: “Sorry, sir, but it’s not my fault, you know.”  ~Albert

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It’s true, folks: When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner.  ~Dusty McLint

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Two of my friends were held up with a fake gun by 4 teens at Calumet and Cresson in an attempted mugging around 9:45pm Friday. Be safe. Someone message me to say two of their friends were mugged by 4 teens with a gun on calumet around 10:15 pm. The kids reportedly ran into Slices. Two police reports were filed.  – Laura

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**It’s a Very LOCAL Holiday, Germantown!**
Fun & Festivities with your favorite Fallsers, too.
Thursday, December 12 (6PM – 9PM)
Eat, drink and be merry with friends & staff of The Local newspaper
245 W. Chelten Ave
Follow on Facebook & Instagram Stories
All welcome, FREE


Holiday Gifts
Sip ‘n shop your way through our Brew House!
Clothes, art, food, cool local stuff
Wissahickon Brewing Company
Sunday, December 8th
2:00PM – 6:00PM
With the smooth sounds of Moog & Coulter from 4 – 6.
Follow on Facebook/Instagram
for current vendor list (updated regularly)

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Redhead in the green hat – I biked past you and your grey dog (a schnauzer?) walking the path along Kelly Drive. You smiled at me! I saw it! No one ever smiles at me! I wanted to get off my bike to talk to you but I was so nervous I peed myself instead. Only a little but I was worried your dog would smell it on me and then draw the logical conclusion it was OK to pee on me, which I already know is a huge turnoff for most women (as are pit sweat and boogers). This is of course not the only reason I like to be clean but certainly a significant factor. I’m usually at Thunder Mug on Ridge from 10am to 2pm, working on my Dr. Who fan fiction. I hope if you see me you will say hello! Stand back though, just in case.  – Darius

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Bubbles – unless he wears a diaper you can’t change him. Also there is no excuse for him smelling like shit. – A Friend

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On my way up to the Adirondacks for a long weekend. All the rest stops have Starbucks coffee but I had this wonderful fantasy that there would be Uncle Bobbies instead. Can you imagine how great that would be?  — Karen

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Bad night on Cresson between Calumet and the train – 6 cars broken into. Cop was there putting notes on the cars with busted windows – said “it’s getting worse”, very reassuring. Does Town Watch or anyone have any camera footage west of the train station? Very sorry to those affected.  – Ralph

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“Friends” of Mifflin, lol!!!! Why does the community have to beg for a playground at their own public school? And why is phase one of their plan like $100,000? It’s a playground, people! Put up some swings and a jungle gym, call it a day. Smh.

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Colin, you bastard, you are a weird sick insatiable partner but you’re right. Your random, intimate impulses that hurt and confound me also thrill me in my own weird sick insatiable way. I’m drafting on your bigger-than-life personality, swooning at the highs and lows you orchestrate selfishly, for your own perks and pleasures. Do me a favor, though. Can you take a break from those munches down at Franklins and the 32nd St Pub’s pony parties? I have family in the Falls, and people are talking. ~Bones

Re, Sukie (Ya right) Go for it your perfect for each other. Trash…. but it is a step up for you. ~Rachel (As IF)

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We have a complex with 6 units and a small fenced yard. Only one person with a dog, and there’s dog shit all the time inside the gated area…it’s like it’s never occurred to them that it’s extremely obvious where it comes from lol. The nerve these people have 🙄   — Chantelle

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Frenzied Friends, In this state you enrich everything out of your own fullness: whatever you see, whatever wills is seen swelled, taut, strong, overloaded with strength. In this state you transform things until they mirror your power — until they are reflections of your perfection. This having to transform into perfection is – art. Keep it up, ~Friedrich

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Hey Lindon, it’s Mel. You seem like a good guy. I know you want to do the right thing. I support you. But just because you’re doing good by some folks, doesn’t mean you’re not screwing over others. Compromise makes a lot more sense, that’s what your dad would say if he was here.

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Don’t Stress the Holidays
CBD for You & Me! (Pets too)
Locally sourced tinctures, oils, extracts and flower.
Pure, high-quality products you can trust.

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Where all the Lazy Ass Lovers?! We over 30 and sick of all the dressin up and runnin around it takes to get some tail in this town. Shoot, let’s cut the crap and get down. Stop by the big furniture store on Chelten (call first so I can fix up a display bed). – Fardeen, Ishaan, Bindu, Chippy and Udaya @LALphilly

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A Saturday in mid November. You were looking for a certain Pumpkin ale in the cases at Foodery. Despite your horrible taste in beer, I immediately liked you. You’ve remained on my mind ever since. I wait tables and bartend around the area, I hope you’ll keep your eye out for me. ~Dupree

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Stinker on Greene & Harvey — You had me at “call in go fishing!” I just melted right there… Let’s DO IT! Meetcha at the Falls with a bucket of nightcrawlers. You bring the 40’s. — Zona

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My darling at the Dollar Tree: I admire your Vivian Vance bottom, your Andy Griffith eyes. Here’s to six months of lunches together at Burgess Plaza. ~PJ

Come join the cast of Vernon Park’s summer theater production. All ages. No experience necessary and all participants in the final production will be paid. Auditions THURS 12/5 (7:30 – 9:30pm) and SAT 12/7 (2 – 4pm) at the Waldorf School, 6000 Wayne Avenue. To sign up, email marisol@shakespeareinclarkpark.org.

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Almost a missed connection: I tell everyone, “If my inner derelict didn’t take over that day, I never would have met her.” 3 years ago I was driving down Wissahickon Ave with my gas station coffee and suddenly there’s this gleeful young lady in a gown waving a hand-written sign: “Wedding Party.”  Well I went home, got changed and crashed that wedding and won the woman of my dreams. This week we’re getting married. Who wants to hold the “Wedding Party” sign this time?  ~KT Winger

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Models Wanted: Guys with Comely Cockles
I’ve received a small stipend to reproduce my research in testicular science as a coffeetable book featuring artful images of male “nut sacks” discreetly shot around NW Philly landmarks. No face or full body shots. If you look up #nutscapes you will get the idea. If we choose your balls you will be compensated with a percentage of the profits. This is not a joke. Send us TASTEFUL photos of your crutch nuggets only. No meat glackers. @GonadsorGoHome

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Sparkle Horse, I enjoyed cataloging all the things that dim your inner gleam. But why so negative? Next time, let’s work on stoking the fires that make you shine! Giddayup and good riddance to 2019’s unhealthy dun.  ~Reb from the Rose’s block party

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Road Construction Chick by the Water Main Break:

Stoic and steely you stand, a sturdy, smoking stump of a woman, wide and somewhat welcoming. Surprise. With an extra twirl of your Caution sign, here you are side my Beemer. Stop. Slow. Stop. Slow. “Go ahead” like a dare to stay behind with you. But I’m late. Can’t take that bait. But there’s nothing I wouldn’t give now to show you a good time. If you remember me, find me at Tuesday Happy Hours at In Riva.  ~Flagged

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To the not unattractive woman on Coulter who has large bathroom windows and no curtains: thanks for the show, I guess? No thanks for turning me into a Peeping Tom, though. I try not to look but you’re right there in front of me! I haven’t been this chafed in decades. ~Your Neighbor Bill

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Omg Marc. I still can’t get over running into you after all these years. You look exactly the same, in the face. And then your body is like this giant fat suit with your tiny little head on top. Wow you must weigh like 400 pounds at least!! I got a picture of your shoes, they look all smashed. Showed it to Aunt Debbie, she could not believe it.  Love from the Robinsons!  — Doug

Men So Stupid

You: <staring at me walking by the K bus stop>
Me: Do you like what you see?
You: Yes!
Me: <shakes head watching you leave on K bus>

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One Halloween not long ago I set out on my merry way quite warmed by shots of SoCo (yes I still drink that) and looking for a random party. I found one, I think, in the Falls. Theater majors, everywhere! Nothing to drink but “electric punch.” BTW, if offered, do not try electric punch. Take my word for it: actors and actresses are completely out of their minds. Including the bearded guy dressed as Catherine the Great who jumped out of the 2nd story window into the bushes. Seriously what is up with these people?   ~Chuck K.

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Touch of Class! A midnight stroll, holding hands all the way to Vernon Park where we slow-danced by Pastorius. Walking home, we stopped to consider poor old abandoned Town Hall, as it glowed, proud and broken, above the cobblestones. “You’re like fine architecture,” you’d told me, “More priceless every day, even if nobody recognizes it.” Missing you today and forever. — T

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Hey Neighbors! Let’s keep everybody smiling today by dropping an inspirational quote in the comments….  – Steve on East Falls Rants

Ilene  Everything yields to Diligence
Leo There is no greatness where there is not simplicity, goodness and truth.
Trinette Can’t stop the spirits when they need you, this life is more than just a read through.
Andrew Epstein didn’t kill himself
George All great truths begin as blasphemies.
James He who has provoked the lash of wit, cannot complain that he smarts from it.
Joshua  What you think, you become. What you feel, you attract. What you imagine, you create.
Marie To have and not to give is often worse than to steal.
Allen Follow your inner moonlight; don’t hide the madness
Kristin  Stay sexy and don’t get murdered.
Timothy Think for yourself and question authority.
Chris If you are not willing to learn, no one can help you. If you are determined to learn, no one can stop you.
Austin  I said a hip hop Hippie to the hippie The hip, hip a hop, and you don’t stop, a rock it out Bubba to the bang bang boogie, boobie to the boogie To the rhythm of the boogie the beat
Amy  For the love of God, stop buying CBD at the gas station!
Annie Spend the afternoon. You can’t take it with you.

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A mon dieu, Colette. Do you take me for a fool? It’s quite obvious you don’t speak a word of French, you’re just imitating the accent for some reason. I can’t pretend to know what’s going on with that but right now I just want to be clear I won’t be playing along on our next shift at Wendy’s – Louis Louis

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Roger and Dan from Tastykake: 30 years ago you met my wife Peaches the year she dropped out of nursing school in East Falls. You gave her a ride home when her car wouldn’t start, and to thank you she invited you both to dinner. Everyone sure was hungry when I got home later that night! Anyway are either of you still around? My wife wanted to get together again. Something about our son.  — Claude

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Preena, What a smooth move slipping me that Burger King receipt with the name Johann Adam Weishaupt carefully and thoughtfully printed across the back. So hot. How did you know I’d know? And when can initiation begin?  ~Templar


About Karl Von Lichtenhollen 66 Articles
Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen is a doctor and fellow of the Applied Knowledges at Blödsinn Universität in Munich, Germany (1973). He was born and raised in the Nether Regions area of Holland, near Tainte, which he refers to fondly as a "Dutch Wonderland." Dr. Lichtenhollen once shared a houseboat in Amsterdam with the cast of a geriatric production of HAIR, inspiring his famous essay, "That Which I Cannot Unsee." He is a three-time recipient of the "Iron Feather" award. His hobbies include ascots, Highland wool sweaters and his pipe. He has a cat.

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