Missed Connections: JULY 2023

JULY – Named after Julius Caesar, Roman general and the Empire’s most famous politician, who was born on the 12th in 100 BC. Two nations celebrate their Independence from monarchy rule, the US on July 4th and Bastille Day in France on the 14th. The “Dog Days” of summer begin July 3rd. This month’s full moon is called the Buck Supermoon, look for it July 2nd and 3rd (it’ll be 16% brighter than an average moon!).

Speaking of moons, July 20th marks the 54th anniversary of the Apollo moon landing. This month’s zodiac sign, Cancer (the crab) is ruled by the moon. Birthstone: Ruby. Flower: Larkspur and water lily. Symbol: seashells. According to folklore, if you see a lot of anthills in July, expect a hard winter. If it rains on St Swithin’s Day (the 15th), the rest of the summer will be rainy. July 18 marks the Hijri New Year, signaling the start of the Islamic lunar calendar.

Noteworthy birthdays:

Princess Di, Jackie O, PT Barnum, 50 Cent, Soulja Boy, Cat Stevens, The Unsinkable Molly Brown, The Hoff, Tom Cruise, Mick Jagger, Frida Kahlo, Rembrandt, Thoreau, Hemingway, Rockefeller (John D & Nelson), Patrick Stewart, Walter Payton, Kevin Bacon, Missy Elliott, Jennifer Lopez, Alex Rodriguez, Amelia Earhart, John Glenn, Nelson Mandela, Medgar Evers, Nikola Tesla, Batman, Green Giant, Breyers Ice Cream, Silly Putty, Monopoly, Xray machines, hand-held laser guns, and oral antibiotics.

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GET OUT WITH US! We are a group of welcoming women in the Philadelphia area who are starting a hiking club. Our first hike will be on Sunday, July 9th. Just under 5 miles with steep elevation gains and loose rock. There should be some cool look out points. Afterwards we can stop at a local brewery. Meet in the Manayunk parking lot at 8am and car pool or meet us on the trail. It’s near Reading. All women welcome. Email Tm2276@gmail.com for more info. ~ Maria

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Lady in Pink (Black Bonnet) In Line at Delaware Ave Giant: You don’t know me but I can’t stop thinking about you, and how you CRUSHED IT with your coupons!! Like 15% of your whole order off! Incredible!  Would you consider mentoring me? Please call Kenni (you probably heard me applaud from one register over).

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We are now living in a country where you cannot discriminate based on religion, but your religion can be the reason you discriminate.  ~ Germantown Witness  👀👀👀

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I gotta know, who is the sicko who tied a bag of dog shit to the driver’s side handle of my wife’s car? We live in East Falls and we don’t even have a dog so if you’re trying to send a message – FAIL!! Get help. ~ Dave B.

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Capture Nature with Your Cell Phone – a contemplative approach to photography. Local mindfulness coach guides participants on a serene stroll thru a picturesque green oasis. Thursday July 13 (6 – 7pm), Suggested donation $15. Awbury.org/photography-yot

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Just a friendly 4th of July reminder that absolutely NO ONE is going to watch the video of fireworks you recorded on your phone (with the possible exception of this one).

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KOP burger joint, 6:30 PM, waiting for pickup. Forgive me for staring but you have the feet of Adonis! Some might say your cheap rubber flipflops were childish and unhygienic. This may be true but that doesn’t change the fact that each of your toes is a work of art worth hanging in the world’s finest museum! Call Pierre, your admirer and NOT a weirdo.

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Hey, hey, babe! I wanna groom you like a moody baboon. Fingers root down every inch, seeking out each spicy nit. So delish! It’s bananas! 🐵🍌  ~ Josh

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This is for Marco, I think that’s his name – the guy who sold me the termite-ridden logs I left behind in the crawlspace of my last apartment where I was evicted. He guaranteed an infestation by August, but now it just dawned on me that I have no way to contact him or any clue, really, if those were really termites. Is vengeance mine, or not? Really I wish I’d just pooped in the fridge and been done with it. ~ Abigail

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Listen up, please! LIVING WITH PETS is my new show on Germantown Community Radio, and I’m inviting everyone to become a part of my show! Send your pet questions to LivingWithPets92.9@gmail.com or post a message on the show’s Facebook page. To get played on the air, leave your message at 267-590-9115. I’m on every 1st & 3rd Friday at 9AM on 92.9FM or listen anywhere gtownradio.com. Thanks! CJ

Garden of Mystery — I was shoplifting flower seeds at the Dollar Tree when our eyes met, so I dropped them. That was back in May. Now there’s the exact variety of pink zinnias blooming outside my door. Coincidence? I’d like a word (at least) with whoever planted them here.  ~ Stumped on Stocker

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Drawn From Nature – Exploring the natural world’s intricate, mysterious systems through contemporary art. Exhibition July 7 – Aug 29; Artist’s reception July 12 (5:30 – 7:30pm) FREE Cope House Gallery, awbury.org/art

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Hey everyone, I feel bad for letting Canadian wildfires take all the blame for our air quality alerts. If you look closely at the maps and data, there’s a gaseous epicenter directly over my ex-boyfriend’s place on Neptune Rd. His name is Robert and his wife’s chili is a toxic hazard. 🤣 Seriously, they should be fined, Imma call 311 when I’m done here. ~ Elashun

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👨‍👩‍👧‍👦👨‍🌾✨ FIRST SUNDAYS for FAMILIES at Awbury Farm Market with special kid-friendly activities, demos and workshops. Free parking and free admission to 56 acres of gardens, forests, meadows, wetlands, including… Adventure Woods! 🌲😮🌳 (1 – 5pm) 6336 Ardleigh St (Germantown)

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Does anyone know of a local butcher shop that would be interested in expanding into foraged proteins? I’m an avant-garde urban chef working on a “street-to-table” menu from neighborhoods lacking traditional agricultural sources. Please contact roadkill_ronnie@gmail.com

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PSA: As we are now in prime “relocation” season, a gentle suggestion is your “A” box. It’s got the stuff that keeps you a human being in the morning. For many folks, it includes a coffee maker with a prefilled filter, a mug, roll of t.p. hand gel, bar of soap and towel (mine has a can of coke and an ashtray.) OF COURSE, the rest of your boxes were numbered and you kept a detailed record of what was in them! Hope this helps! Peace! – Mj from @EastFallsRants

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No one has ever become poor by giving. -Anne Frank, Holocaust diarist (12 Jun 1929-1945)

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Spiderman! Spiderman! He’s a jerk but I’m still a fan.
Lies to me, steals my stuff. I say I’ll leave but he calls my bluff – OH LORD!
I’m into Spiderman.
Is he wrong? Betcha, ace! He’ll bullshit till he’s blue in the face.
How is he in the sack? There’s no one I’d rather have in my crack.
PULL OUT! Here comes the Spiderman.  🤣🕸️💦

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Come back, Warren! Yes, at first I was alarmed when you told me the goth crystal goblet you gave me last Christmas was an exact replica of your own skull. But then I think of how much effort went into just scheduling the MRI — let alone the precision carving – I feel so honored. And, oddly, turned on. I gaze into your empty eye sockets sloshing with FRANZIA, and ache for the return of the rest of you. ~ Vicki

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If you’re ever lost in the woods, look for the North Star. Its twinkling will comfort you as you die. 🤣 ~ the Happy Hiker

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Attention Ranger Nation! Philly’s first All Power Ranger Event happens SAT JUL 15, bringing a full day of gaming, vendors, cosplay, celebrities and more. It’s an immersive experience with contests & photo ops, and other great opportunities to engage. TIX $40 (kids $10) phillyexpocenter.com

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Your Own Personal Uber? Pete in Powelton, whoever told you it was OK to run errands on a first date, they were wrong. I’m sorry you don’t have a car but I did NOT enjoy chauffeuring you around to the dry cleaners, the pharmacy, the vape shop… I hope that was really your kid we picked up from daycare, yikes, please lose my number. ~ Name Withheld

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Diver Down — In just one look, I knew I was sunk. So entranced, I lost all sense of safety. Forces amassed at every fathom until my heart imploded painlessly, predictably. It’s a story as old as time. ~ T. Hardy

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🦎🐢🐍 DON’T FORGET: 90% of wild-caught reptiles die within 1 year as a pet. 😢 Please don’t take home anything live from the Reptile Super Expo July 15th. Fortunately, there’s lots more for sale: food & pet supplies, books, clothing, gifts, etc. Plus venomous and non-venomous reptiles on view. Kids love it! Tix $10 phillyexpocenter.com (9am – 4:30pm)

Wanted: 3 reasonably pleasant women to form radical, erotic “Octopus-Human” living sculpture installation for fall Fringe Fest 2023. Flexibility and balance required; double-jointedness helpful but not necessary. Must enjoy humidity and public revulsion.  ~ Ramón Medina Silva

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I remember it well. Our fond embrace. You smelt of Secret® and Charlie®. My scent signature back then was Right Guard® and Old Spice®. Nothing between us but my fuzzy mustache and a few yards of crumpled fleece. What do you think, Kit?  They say you can’t go back again but, for you, I’d take a shot.  ~ Terry

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Hey if you’re in Old City on Tuesday July 11th, Cuba Libre Restaurant & Rum Bar Celebrates National Mojito Day with $5 Classic Mojito During Happy Hour 4 p.m. to 6:30 p.m.  #justsayin

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GOP 2020: “We have to leave the statues of racists in place so we can remember and teach about the history of racism.”
GOP 2023: “It is illegal to teach about the history of racism.”

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True Story: I once lived just a stone’s throw away from a family who all died of mysterious head injuries. #DadJokes

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Intro to Rowing on the Schuylkill River: WEDS JULY 5, 12, 19 (4:30 – 6:00pm) BLJ Boathouse “without walls” on Kelly Drive just past Boathouse Row. Extensive, inclusive training in all aspects of sculling. Pay what you can. Bljcommunityrowing.com

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It’s the (un)official Petting Zoo Night at the Philadelphia Zoo! Come pet all the Zoo’s animals – ALL OF THEM! Lions and tigers? Step right up! Hippos and gorillas? Hell Yeah! Get close and go viral! One night only, a self-guided adventure of a lifetime! July 11th. 3AM. Back gate. $250 pp (BYOB). More info ask for Helmut.

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Photographer Needed for dating profile pics that will appeal to attractive women. Must authentically represent who I am but not the old and fat part.   ~ Bob the Boomer

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🙌🎤⭐ LAST SUNDAYS for ENTERTAINMENT at The Fallser Club with free Open Mic (6 – 9PM) in this vibrant NW Philly space where all are welcome. Signups start 5:30. Eastfalls.com

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Legal Peeps — Can you take out a $2 million life insurance policy on a stranger? With yourself as the beneficiary?  ~Asking for a Friend  😎

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Shout out to all the early humans who died trying to figure out which plants would get us high! Thank you for your service! ~ Jake

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Strawberry Mansion Walking Tour, SAT July 29 (10am – 12:30pm) Learn this historic neighborhood’s past, present, and future through the eyes of a lifelong resident, educator, and community organizer. Meet at the Boxers’ Trail Gateway (3336 W. Dauphin Dr) to explore this patchwork of distinctive art and architecture, with many famous associations. Pay what you can. Myphillypark.com

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You don’t become cooler with age, but you do care progressively less about being cool – which is the only true way to be cool. This is called the Geezer’s Paradox. #truth

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I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you how you need to be “saved” or you’ll “burn.” Stupid firemen. #DadJokes

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A-MAZE-ING! Learn about the mystical healing power of labyrinths with Athena Dugan’s unique workshop (attendees will make & walk a labyrinth then enjoy FDR’s Parks on Tap nearby (optional). Pay What You Can. SAT JULY 8 (4 – 6:30pm) myphillypark.org

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Oh my big juicy water bug, I meant what I said: You’re the goods, I’m the bad. Let’s get ugly! Lol Promise I won’t squash you.  ~Mr Tiny

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Fallsers: You don’t know me but I’ve been here for years. My work is stealthy, artistic, provocative. In a world that endlessly takes and spends, I give. I provide. I excrete. In yards and on sidewalks and now – in bags! Hung from doors, fences, bumpers, window boxes. Claiming space with my poo, the most basic of human real estate. ~ The Banksy of BM’s (I’ll never stop!) 💩💩💩

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NW PHILLY Girl Scouts and parents join us Sat July 15 (1pm – 3pm) at Houston Playgoround, 900 Grakyn Lane  19128. Bring a friend! There’s a troop waiting for you, register on the spot. Open to all girls K – 12th. Leaders also needed! Come out for crafts, science, and obstacle course, cool treats and more. FREE!

Until a drag queen walks into a school and beats eight kids to death with a copy of “To Kill a Mockingbird,” I think we’re focusing on the wrong shit.   – Wanda Sykes

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Reason #248 why cats are better than babies: When you’re done holding cats you can just drop them on the floor.  #AuntJokes

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🐶🐱🐹 ACCT NEEDS TOWELS & COMFORTERS! Swing by McMichael Park in East Falls any Sunday at 9:30am to drop them off with the NW Philly Pack Walk (who donates items regularly, see AcctPhilly.org for a full list of badly-needed supplies in addition to linens).

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Hey Tonya, remember when I missed my connecting flight outta Philly, and somehow I charmed you from the bar at Jack Duggans into coming back with me to the Aloft on Island Ave, where we went at each other like horny teenagers? You called your husband with some bullshit story about a sick friend, lol, I heard every word, but I’m not mad in fact I’d love to be your side dish. You know how to find me. ~ Capt Jack

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Sam, you are the very rain on my parade, the fly in my ointment, the cigarette ashes in my beer. You’re those five pounds I can’t lose, the scratch I can’t reach, the gift horse with a mouth full of poison. Come back! Without your darkness the light in my world collapses. ~ Reis

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TRAILS TO TAPS – Guided beer tour from Belmont Plateua! This “Thirsty Thursday” social hike is a great way to enjoy local scenery and meet new people over cold beverages at Parks on Tap in Fairmount. JULY 13 (5:30 – 8pm) About 4.5 miles. Myphillypark.org

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Male Order Catalog – I just heard about these the other day. Great idea! Where can I get one? I’m considering upgrading to more recent model and would like to browse some available options. ~ Old City Krista

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He taught me to solve a maze backwards: start at the out, then weasel your way back home. “It’s more natural this way,” he said, and it’s true I’m faster at them now the fun is gone. And I’ve no more patience for brain-teasers.  ~ Chann

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For some people it’s probably weird to obsess over Vincent Price so much you get a masters in Art History to impress him with your aesthetic insights in the off-chance your paths might cross one day. My only regret is that he died before I completed my thesis. ~ Dr. Julie N. Davis

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YUM YUM! Two guided food tours to FDR’s famous Southeast Asian Market. SAT July 15 (first tour starts at 10:45am, second at 12:45pm). Meet at the boathouse, get ready for incredible flavors! Expert guide leads guests through outdoor stalls selling street foods, bubble teas, coffee, clothing, plants, produce and more. Bring an open mind and an empty stomach! More Details at fdrseamarket.com

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Attention! This month’s Natural Parenting social will be brought to you by “AGAIN” with electrolytes. 100% Pure, all natural, organic, non-GMO, gluten-free, urine beverage. #PeeLicious #GoGold

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Summer Ecotherapy – Join neighbors for a peaceful hike with Krista Nelson, a 6th generation Lenape grandmother. Find strength and companionship with other nature-lovers. Enjoy a guided group meditation over 2.5 miles on the Trolley Trail. Pay What You Wish myphillypark.org

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To Bethany from Bumble, who I understand was very disappointed to learn that my nickname “The Elephant” referred to the shape of my nose (or more specifically to the large flap of skin dangling from the end of it). I’m sorry if I misled you otherwise.   ~ Rahn

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Jordan, sweetie, I know you were just being funny. But when you changed out all the mirrors in my condo for ones with subtle “funhouse” effects, you sent me spiraling into self-doubt and, well, plastic surgery. This is awkward. I guess we’ll see how I feel when the bandages come off.  ~ Sydney

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Stop imagining the Apocalypse and start picturing the Revolution! #MakeItSo

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Beat the Heat with Greenberg’s Great Train & Toy Show! Immerse yourself in a world of miniature railroading in the air-conditioned comfort of the Phila Expo Center. Model train exhibits and demos, toys and memorabilia for sale. Lots of good old fashioned fun for all ages! SAT/SUN July 8 & 9, TIX $10 (kids free) trainshow.com

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Kayak the Water Works! Thurs July 20 (6:45 – 8:30pm) Tour departs from the Walnut Street dock and heads upriver to Fairmount where you’ll experience these historic structures up-close and from the water, a rare and fascinating perspective. Great views of the city skyline and the Art Museum above. No experience necessary, Hidden River Outfitters provide gear & instruction. Pay What You Wish myphillypark.org

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Janice & Phil – Hey guys I’m sorry I took my pants off at your gender reveal party. I thought we were all participating. My bad. Hope I’m still the god father. Talk soon?  ~ Mikey

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Our condolences to Stockton Rush, CEO of Oceangate. He died doing what all billionaires love doing: cutting corners and killing people. #RIP

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FROM JESSE:
This life.
Never mind your desert island records. Never mind the “no man is….”
You are, in fact, an island. Small and important, remote and unique.
You and me, we’re neighboring atolls.
Look up! We’re blessed with date palms, manna for passing birds.
So, now. Be overcome.
No matter the moment, no matter the place, beauty ever-present.
Live unyielding amid the waves.
Let your questions come and be.
Know what you’ve earned and live what you’ve learned.

We hope you have enjoyed this Month’s MISSED CONNECTIONS!

Reply to ads from Craig’s List by clicking on their sign-offs. Place your own listing in one of three ways: 1) comment below 2) text 215-498-8874 or 3) email DrKarl@nwlocalpaper.com. You may also respond to ads privately via text or email — please be as specific as possible so that Dr. Karl may properly assist. Thank you, my friend.

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About Karl Von Lichtenhollen 67 Articles
Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen is a doctor and fellow of the Applied Knowledges at Blödsinn Universität in Munich, Germany (1973). He was born and raised in the Nether Regions area of Holland, near Tainte, which he refers to fondly as a "Dutch Wonderland." Dr. Lichtenhollen once shared a houseboat in Amsterdam with the cast of a geriatric production of HAIR, inspiring his famous essay, "That Which I Cannot Unsee." He is a three-time recipient of the "Iron Feather" award. His hobbies include ascots, Highland wool sweaters and his pipe. He has a cat.

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