Missed Connections: JUNE 2023

 JUNE — Named after Juno, the Roman goddess of marriage, this month is about joy, abundance, and beauty; a time of communal celebrations: weddings, graduations, festivals. June’s full moon – called the Strawberry Moon – is on the 3rd this year, and it’s in Sagittarius, which tends to inspire adventure and romantic quests.

Flower: rose. Gemstone: pearl. Symbols: eagle & cicada. The ancient holiday of Midsummer celebrates solstice and the halfway-point between sowing and harvest, a day when plants were said to have healing, magical properties, and the Spirits of Darkness ran wild through the night, rejoicing that the days would begin shortening again. This year, our summer solstice occurs Wednesday June 21st at 10:57 am.

June was first declared Pride Month in 1999 to commemorate the Stonewall Riots, a watershed moment in LGBTQ+ rights. June is also National Smile Month, National Soul Food Month, Adopt-A-Cat Month, and Audiobook Appreciation Month. June 6rd is the anniversary of D-Day, June 11th is Making Life Beautiful Day, June 17th is Eat Your Vegetables Day and June 28 is Let It Go Day. This year, Juneteenth falls on a Monday.

Noteworthy birthdays:

Marilyn Monroe, Judy Garland, Jackie Wilson, Tupac Shakur, Kendrick Lamar, Lionel Richie, Prince, Ye, Ice Cube, Fetty Wap, Chick Corea, Che Guevera, Geronimo, Rousseau, Rubens, Stravinsky, Solange, Paula Abdul, Josephine Baker, Dusty Baker, Vince Lombardi, Venus Williams, Lou Gehrig, Joe Montana, Allen Iverson, Mike Tyson, Michael Phelps, Michael J. Fox, George Michael, Morgan Freeman, Liam Neeson, Jimmie Walker, Pat Morita, Freddie Prinze, Cleavon Little, Mel Brooks, Gene Wilder, Gilda Radner, Pancho Villa, Hattie McDaniel, Moe Howard, Anne Frank, Helen Keller, George Orwell, Boy George, King Henry VII, Donald Trump, The Marquis de Sade, Dr. Ruth, Elon Musk, the Magna Carta, the US Army, the voting machine, Hula Hoops, Juicy Fruit, Candy Land, and color TV.

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Sure, I may have anxiety related memory issues, and yes I often cancel/forget plans because I’m emotionally depleted, but at least I don’t have anxiety related memory issues. 🤪

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To the tall brunette who lately frequents B2 Café on Passyunk – My how you brighten the whole room with your loveliness! I’m an older gentleman, usually sitting in the back with my latte and NYT crossword. I don’t expect you’ll see this, but if you do I hope we might chat next time.  ~ Phil

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TRUE STORY: An elephant and a donkey fight in a puppet show and the crowd cheers for one or the other while thieves pick their pockets. When the people start to notice their wallets are missing, they’re told they can stop the pickpocketing by cheering louder for their favorite puppet. #KabukiBlues

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I see trees of green / green trees there too / I see the trees / and they are green / and I think to myself / I am lost in these woods  🌳🌲🌳🌲

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NEW! Riverbank Beergarden at In Riva
Every Thursday 4 – 10pm now thru September 28th in the parking lot of this popular East Falls restaurant at Route 1 and Kelly drive. Live music, craft beers, special cocktails and signature dishes from each of our restaurants.

Dennis I seen you picking up mail in Kensington, love how you pretended like you didn’t hear me calling down to you. Same way we’re pretending you were only coming by for mail. Ha! My guess is I’ll have a new nephew next winter. How much to keep my mouth shut? ~ Nosy Lil Brother

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Moving soon? Family First Movers provides affordable rates for local & long distance service. We can also help you load/unload your rental truck. Packing/cleanouts/junk removal, too. Estimates: 267-992-1694

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Since when do we have to agree with people to defend them from injustice? –Lillian Hellman, playwright (20 Jun 1905-1984)

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URGENT: Need to Re-Home Dog – Small terrier, tends to bark A LOT. If interested, let me know and I’ll jump over my neighbor’s fence and get it for you. ~ Angela in Wayne Junction

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Yo Mr MAGA Bumperstickers in rush hour traffic on Roosevelt: If you have a truck with novelty balls hanging from your hitch – and your truck wasn’t born with balls, so it’s an elective process – you have, in fact, a trans truck. Congratulations, dumbass, you just owned yourself. 🤣🤣🤣

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Q: what do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth? A: slow swimmers.  #DadJokes

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LIVE! Arthur Thomas & the Funkitorium – MON JUNE 5 at the SOL Foundation BLACK MUSIC MONTH panel of local industry experts & influencers. Noon to 5pm at the Community College of Philadelphia, 1700 Spring Garden St (Bonnell Building). FREE

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Humans doing the hard jobs on minimum wage while the robots write poetry and paint is NOT the future I wanted nor imagined. ~ Turing Trepidation

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Sunday before Memorial Day (around 11am), you were the smiley young woman ahead of me in line at the Roxborough Acme. Your outfit was very red, white and blue so I called you patriotic and you saluted me. Now I’m wondering if you were joking, or if you could be one of the few remaining females who know how to properly respect a man. I hope this does not offend you. Please call Carl.

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Hello? I just saw a dude literally drop from the sky onto Kelly Drive right in front of me. There was this weird bluish light overhead and then like a regular white guy just casually floated down. He landed on the path there and bolted off, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a human run so fast. Did anyone else report this? Hello? I’d rather not say my name.

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Attention Neighbors: please keep your dogs and children quiet in the mornings. Some of us have been up all night setting off fireworks. Thanks.  ~ The Boom Crew

Stop The Violence Rally & Fish Fry SAT JUNE 17 (11am – 7pm) Join Uptown Seafood and neighbors in promoting positivity. Free bounce house, water ice, hot dogs & pretzels. Raffles, 50/50, giveaways, community engagement. Seafood buffet $20  6631 Germantown Ave

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Whoever called @Moms4Liberty “Klanned Karenhood” deserves a case of Bud Light and tickets to Disney World. #readbannedbooks

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🧑‍🌾🧺🥬🌶️🫐🍄FARM-FRESH SATURDAYS! In addition to the wonderful East Falls Farmers’ Market (open 10am – 1pm), three other NW Philly farm stands are also open, offering more locally-grown produce and a variety of handmade goods: Grumblethorpe (5267 Germantown Ave), Germantown’s (5501 Germantown Ave) and the Kitchen Garden (215 E. Penn St). Make it a day, and support small business and community connections in NW Philly! 🙌💚

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Eakins Oval – Ride of Silence: Hi, I’m the jerk in the black leather jacket on the crummy bike with a milk crate rack. Sorry if I was less-than-friendly when you tried to strike up a conversation with me towards the end of the event. I didn’t know what you wanted: conversation? Connection? Empathy? A better route? A new friend? A hookup? Gah! Too many possibilities. I froze. I should’ve just shown you the safer way to go, my bad. Hope you got where you were going OK.  ~ Bad Cyclist

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Sometimes instead of cleaning, I watch an episode of Hoarders and then I think my house doesn’t look so bad after all.  Follow me for more domestic tips! Polly Perspective

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Just wanted to wish everyone in Penn Knox a happy Pride Month except Jeff. All the neighbors here (except Jeff) are kind and wonderful people. So happy to be a part of this community, despite Jeff. Thanks! ~ the Wilkensons

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How much is TOO MANY GAMES? Find out June 23 – 25 at the state’s longest-running video & board game convention, featuring speakers, demos, tournaments, marketplace, cosplay, concerts and so much more. Experience Pennsylvania’s longest-running video and board game convention. All gamers welcome for an extravaganza of fun: speakers, demos, tournaments, marketplace, cosplay, concerts and so much more. Greater Philadelphia Expo Center, tix from $40 toomanygames.com

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Warning: the white cat is a SPY!!!! Every night on my evening walk I keep seeing the same all-white cat. It’s got a distinctive blue collar with a metal disc that I’m pretty sure is a small digital camera dangling from his neck. He’s definitely up to something, how he’s always creeping around but runs away if you try to grab him. What’s he hiding? Let’s figure this out together 7pm Monday June 12th at Founded Coffee (upstairs).  ~ Caspar T. Ross

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Life is short, short, brother! / Ain’t it the truth? / And there is no other / Ain’t it the truth? / You gotta rock that rainbow while you still got your youth! –Yip Harburg, lyricist (8 Apr 1896-1981)

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I’m so tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only kind of family that counts. Bullshit! A family can be two parents and their kids, or it can be a group of friends that love each other through thick and thin. It can be a childless couple, or one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid!  #diversity

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Flea For All! Come out to Philly Vintage Flea for the area’s biggest vintage clothing expo. Rare finds and other exciting treasures to discover. SUN June 4, 12 – 5pm $10; Early Bird entry 11am ($20) Greater Phila Expo Center phillyvintageflea.org   Love flea markets? Come out to Falls Flea on SAT June 17 (8am – 5pm) at McMichael Park, Henry & Midvale Aves in East Falls. A real neighborhood tradition with lots of great finds!

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Hoping this post is allowed. I searched high and low looking for someone to tailor custom cushions for my outside sectional and finally found Zainab, a very talented seamstress that listened to my needs and worked with me at a very affordable price. She is local and I totally recommend her. She can be reached at Zainabbobieva@gmail.com

Seriously, the guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let’s hear both sides. #unbiased

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FREE CAMPING! Volunteer position available for Bigfoot research project this summer in local woodlands. Must have strong work ethic and basic survival skills. Experience in video/photography preferred but not required. Training & transportation provided. Apply at Human-Bait.com

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“No thanks, I’m a vegetarian” is a fun thing to say when someone tries to hand you their baby. #DadJokes

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To the little girl who threw a raw potato at my grown head this evening: I hope you are happy! I hope you enjoyed the laugh you had as I screamed in falsetto not once but twice when that potato bounced off my Lexus and beaned me again. It’s not funny though! I am a family man and don’t deserve to be hit by flying vegetables. What happened, Francisville? Is this who we are now?  ~ Randall (Wayne Ave)

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Rock Your Body (Blow Your Mind) – The Fallser Club presents an exciting night of high-energy music featuring local rock/punk performances plus the area’s best psychedelic boy band! Lineup includes Before The End, Mellow Honey and Twist It.  June 24, 6 – 11pm 3721 Midvale Ave in East Falls. Tix $20

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Q: Who do Republicans like to blame for everything?
A: Antifa and Communists
Q: Who were the last two groups to oppose Hitler in Nazi Germany?
A: Antifa and Communists
#Hmm

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Attention Parents at Beer Gardens: no one’s judging you for bringing your kids out to a brewery, we’re judging you for letting them run around like little maniacs. Hello, this is your problem not ours. ~ Everyone Else

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ISO Do-Over after Brooklyn Bowl Concert (Fishtown)
It was Sunday, you were standing with a friend, a few mere feet from me as we hung near the steps to the center floor. You were radiant: glasses, black jeans, long dark hair. I was wearing a white t-shirt and a grey hat. Thinking back on the show, it seems I failed to act on at least three missed opportunities you may have been presenting. If it’s not too late, I’d like to hear more about fifth base. ~ Batter Up

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I love you, and because I love you, I would sooner have you hate me for telling you the truth than adore me for telling you lies. –Pietro Aretino, satirist and dramatist (20 Apr 1492-1556)

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Positively liberating! That’s how it feels to be free of more than a dozen bags of random stuff that’s accumulated in my 2 bed/2 bath condo over the years. Melinda is a decluttering expert with her own local household services business. We quickly organized my possessions into three piles: keep, trash, donate. I am no hoarder, yet I was shocked by how much I was able to let go of. I cannot sing the praises of this service enough! Connecthedotsphl.com

🏳️‍🌈✊🏽 Happy Pride-Teenth!!!! Celebrate freedom in Philly this month with more than 4 DOZEN great events of inclusion and diversity: parties, marches, performances and more. CLICK FOR FREE GUIDE

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Hands up: Who imagined we’d see the day when countries like the UK, France, Canada, Australia, New Zealand and Uruguay would issue travel warnings that the US is unsafe due to the risk of extreme gun violence? 🤯🤯🤯

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This is for the Silver Fox of Rittenhouse Square! I love your salt-and-pepper hair, and the funny little jokes you sprinkle into everyday conversation. We chatted about the weather, but also life in general. I wished we could talk more but I had to get back to work. See you around? ~ Lady in the Zany Scrubs

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The thing that makes you exceptional, if you are at all, is inevitably that which must also make you lonely. –Lorraine Hansberry, playwright and painter (19 May 1930-1965)

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MAKE IT OFFICIAL! Local Notary offers mobile and electronic services for maximum convenience. Certified & commissioned in the state of PA, able to serve notarization needs across state lines. Crystal Jackson, 5312 Germantown Ave (owner, Perfectly Flawless)

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America in a Nutshell: $60k   raised for the funeral of a Black man murdered by a white man; $2.4 million raised for the killer’s legal defense. #godhelpus

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Following up on our moment at the corner of 15th & South (Thurs eve). You: hard hat, work boots, biceps. Me: blonde girl walking yellow lab across the street. Are you a contractor? I hope so. I’m sick of dating artists and musicians. Also I could use a new shoe closet. ~ Daphne and her Doggie

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Sexy Feet Award: to the ginger-haired rake in the light green Peleton tee and flip flops, who stole my heart (at least my undivided attention) at the Giant on 23rd Street. Reach out and I’ll tell you what you won.  ~ PJ

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KAOS MAS BAND – Philly Carnival! Amazing costumes, music, energy! Great food and goodies. Sat June 17, fun starts 10am. 3912 Germantown Ave 267-235-8369

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Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the cool table in an insane asylum, or Murphy’s. #EFP

We hope you have enjoyed this Month’s MISSED CONNECTIONS!

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About Karl Von Lichtenhollen 63 Articles
Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen is a doctor and fellow of the Applied Knowledges at Blödsinn Universität in Munich, Germany (1973). He was born and raised in the Nether Regions area of Holland, near Tainte, which he refers to fondly as a "Dutch Wonderland." Dr. Lichtenhollen once shared a houseboat in Amsterdam with the cast of a geriatric production of HAIR, inspiring his famous essay, "That Which I Cannot Unsee." He is a three-time recipient of the "Iron Feather" award. His hobbies include ascots, Highland wool sweaters and his pipe. He has a cat.

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