AUGUST: These last licks of summer hit different. 🍦 The air gets heavier, the sunsets show off 🌇, and time starts slipping like sand through sweaty fingers. 🫠 The Sturgeon Moon rises in Aquarius ♒️ on August 9 — a cool-headed reminder to step back, breathe deep, and maybe text that person you meant to say hi to back in June. 😅
This month’s mood board includes neighborhood backpack drives 🎒, bug spray that’s lost its will to live 🦟, and the creeping sense that whatever this summer was supposed to be… it’s now or never. 🔥🕰️
National Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Day 🥒 (8/8), Lazy Day 💤 (8/10), and National Secondhand Wardrobe Day 👗 (8/25) all remind us to keep it weird, generous, and stylish. So whether you’re chasing waves, chasing dreams, or just chasing closure — don’t let August ghost you. 💔🫡
Something tells me you deserve a good paddle! Meet us Saturday Aug 16th in FDR Park for a free group paddle, first come first served. The fun starts at 10am and goes until we’re all paddled out (or until 2pm, whichever comes first). 🚣
🪮 Curly Red Hair on the Trolley: Tuesday night, 8pm-ish. I’d been awake 25+ hours and kept nodding off, so forgive me if this wasn’t real — but I think we talked? All I remember is you had curly red hair and a big, big smile. You’re either the first person who’s hit on me in awhile or the clown from IT is following me again. If you’re real — and not a stress hallucination — say hi? Maybe we can walk Clark Park and confirm you have a reflection. ~ LB Foolish
During my research I interviewed a guy who said he was a libertarian until he did MDMA and realized that other people have feelings. That was pretty much the best summary of libertarianism I’ve ever heard. @HilaryAgro
Grocery Stores Closing Early Now? It was 10:10 but both Exit and Entrance door were locked already. The sign used to say Open til 11 and so I stopped for just a few things but no one let me in. They must close earlier now. This recession is getting worse. The grocery store can’t even afford to stay open their usual hours and have cut back now. Just stop! ~ Anonymous
If u have two little boys walking around selling lemonade on Ridge Ave? One, they’re ok! Two, they dropped their money! So I drove around and got it, then got out and gave them a speech about watching their cash. He said it wasn’t his money, it was his dad’s. Wow parents! U should be proud! PS I said grownups work too hard to be losing money like that. ~ Ms Donna
Conspiracy! There are 365 days in a year, and the Schuylkill Center just “happens” to have 365 acres of nature preserve? We’re supposed to believe that’s a coincidence?! And the free “hike” they’re leading Aug 30th is just for “educational” purposes? Uh-huh. I’ll be there, alright. Launching my full investigation. You come too. I’ll explain everything. ~ Dr. H.L. Fernwhistle, Paranyd State College.
🎣 SRT (Kelly Drive): Whoever keeps peeing in my bait bucket better hope I never catch them is all I have to say. It’s not funny it’s unsanitary. Get a life, Todd. 👀👀👀 ~ Mr. Pissant
NOTICE: August’s meeting of the East Falls Amateur Mortuary Club will convene at the 17th Annual Classic Hearse + Ambulance Show at Laurel Hill Cemetery, Sat 8/9. Both events free to public (only one requires gloves). See you at the big white tent (10am – 3pm). ~ Fisher & Sons ⚰️
If you can pivot from “All Lives Matter” to “Feed them to the alligators” in five years, let’s maybe stop pretending all lives ever really mattered to you at all. #Hypocrasy
It’d be so swell if you could tell the truth and nothing but. It’d be so great if I could make the real you please stand up. But time will tell, and stories smell, when facts begin to rot. And I won’t wait to take the bait, or chase what you are not. ~ Promises in the Dark
🎂 Happy birthday to everyone for the rest of your lives. I can’t do this anymore. Love, Aunt Dee 🥳🎈🍸
Civic Tip: ICE vehicles run on a special fuel mixture of water, dish soap, and sugar. Be a good citizen and refill their tanks when you see them parked in your neighborhood. #HazTuParte
To Angela, Pamela, Sandra, Rita, Monica, Erica, Tina, Mary, and Jessica: I do all I do, to fall in love with a girl like you. ~ A Little Bit of Fred (guess which part?)
Costco Capers – I work parttime at the KOP store and every other weekend the same couples show up and switch carts, if you catch my drift. Y’all are sharing more than a membership. We got it on camera, too, lemme know if you wanna monetize the footage (my cut is 20%). ~ Mr. Self Checkout
Hey neighbor! Guess who? Our kids are on the same little league team and both our spouses travel a lot for work. I don’t want to read too much into things but the way you talked about stealing bases makes me wonder what else you want to get away with. I’m game to find out! ~ Swing, Batter
RELEASE THE EPSTEIN FILES! 🗂️🕵️♂️🔥👁️👀
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters. They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town. Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army. Girls, man. They’ll take over the world. @XplodingUnicorn
Sweet Loretta: What did you mean I’m not man enough to be a woman? You actually said I don’t have the “literal balls” to be a woman, let alone the brains and brawn. I can’t begin to describe how irritating it is, when you say “literally” but you’re speaking “figuratively.” Wait, you’re speaking figuratively, aren’t you? Oh crap I’m spiraling. ~ JoJo on the Avenue
NEEDED: Stone carver to create permanent graffiti for my eternal glorification. Must have ninja-like skills and high tolerance for withering criticism. Together, we’ll leave our mark. ~ Roxborough Rushmore
Summer Travel Tip: the PA Convention Center will be open FREE all day Saturday August 9th, offering quiet, air-conditioned escape from sweltering Midtown streets, plus spotless restrooms. If anyone asks, say you’re there for the book fair, it’s all independent authors so they’ll be grateful for the extra attendance. (10am – 4pm) @LiteracyNationINC
YOLO at NOTO: You were a dark fever dream in black ruffles and jeans the color of midnight. I was the random body you grabbed and kissed on the dancefloor. Don’t blame me for testing my lucky streak, you started the game. Round two? #LetsMakeItInteresting
Germantown Save-A-Lot: Sometimes a very handsome Black man shops here wearing just a face mask and a button-down shirt that’s open to his belly. I don’t know who exactly this show is for but 👏👏👏 #CleanupInAisle3
When small men begin to cast big shadows, it means the sun is about to set. ~ Lin Yutang, Chinese scholar (1895 – 1976)
🦋🤥 ButterfLIARS!!! Don’t be fooled by their dazzling wings. These are bugs! And cloaked agents of misdirection. This so-called “count” at on August 23rd is another distraction. Or worse: an unauthorized census. Who’s counting who??? I’ll be there. Watching them. Watching us. Eyes wide open at the Discovery Center. ~ Dr. H.L. Fernwhistle, again
Omega Man seeks World’s End Girlfriend, with whom to watch it all burn down. We can be each other’s post-Apocalypse plus-one. Isn’t this what we’ve been waiting for? #TheFinalCountdown 🔥🚀💥
OK I apologize Sidney for my language but you broke my concentration while I was editing my latest draft of “Mid Lady & The Beast”, about an arrogant young princess who can’t get enough of herself. She’s in front of the mirror all the time, admiring her fine self. I’m not going to lie, she’s a stone cold fox. Phooom! POW! Yet she’s also dead empty inside. She falls under the spell of a sexy Goth fairy who turns her from a solid 10 down to like a 4. No! Enter the Beast he’s not into her but it’s cool cause she’s grateful for any attention she can get at this point. And the happy ending is that an open relationship really works for them, like it probably would for us too. Just sayin’. ~ Ben #POW!
Leopard-Print Lady: You made a funny joke about white people at the Cracker Barrel – I’d have laughed but my boys were with me (they’re mixed and their mom has no sense of humor). I heard you & your friends clowning on me, btw. If you see this I’d love to meet you here again under more inviting circumstances. ~ Slow Roasted Stu
Patriotism, n. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of anyone ambitious to illuminate his name. In Dr. Johnson’s famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of a scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit it is the first. –Ambrose Bierce, writer (1842-1914)
⚠️ PSA: Peeping Tom Alert 👀👀👀 Definitely not cool! Caught some creep outside my ground floor window off Ridge Ave around 10pm. Blinds were open — doesn’t mean it’s an invite. Lock your windows, people. Don’t wait to call 911. ~ Kayla B on Rox R+R
Spruce Ridge Reindeer Ranch (PA): We were both there separately to adopt our reindeer. You selected a fit, self-absorbed doe named, “Ida”, and I chose a robust, arrogant stag named, “Bjorn”. Not sure who left the gates open but as nature took its course before our eyes, I provided running commentary I now realize could be construed as inappropriate, given our casual acquaintance. Humbly, I beg your pardon. ~ Gerard PS will you be attending Gunther’s herding workshop?
Dark shadows in the parking lot. You’re the only one I’ve ever seen using the “Reserved Vampire Parking Only / Dusk til Dawn” spot. I’ve been too nervous to approach you. Maybe next time. You’ll know me because I’m the one with the protruding, prominent jugular veins. That’s what people tell me. ~ O Negative (but fang positive!)
Heartwarming War Story: The last time Liechtenstein went to war, in 1866, they sent 80 soldiers and 81 came back. They came home with an Italian soldier whom they’d befriended. He wanted to live in Liechtenstein. (And now so do I). #ExitStageLeft
Keyshia Cole, 20th Anniversary Tour: Section 112, I was in Row 15, with my friend and her daughter. You were the cutie in Row 16 that kept trying to catch my eye. No I wasn’t playing hard to get, in fact I was quite contagious. The cream seems to be working now (fingers crossed). If you’re still interested, I’ve been cleared for contact. ~ A Different Me
PSST! Hey you with the EZ Pass, stuck in traffic on the Ben Franklin bridge. I’m Tony the Toll Troll, and if you spot me I must show you my secret tunnel underneath the road deck, and grant you three items from my Treasure Bag. You’ll know me by my brown cloak and long, pointed nose. And the smell of Old Bay and grandma farts. #TrustMe
Great Value! Who wants to buy a wedding ring? Slightly used twice. Once when she left me at the altar and twice when I thought I was being funny and proposed to a random girl on the street. She stuck around for a year but only wore the ring for laughs. No one’s laughing now. Third time’s the charm though, right? ~ Tarnished But Solid 💍🫠✨
They asked me what I’ve been up to lately and I didn’t know how to say “Healing generational trauma, current life trauma, slaying my inner demons, holding my inner child, expanding my nervous system out of survival mode and becoming a literal, unshakeable badass” so I said “Not much, you?” #peace
If the Epstein files cleared him, he’d be selling them on Truth Social. #YouKnowIt
Grammar, chaos? I now strictly use only exclamation points for questions marks? Have you ever tried it! It’s super fun? Do you think it also works the other way around! I sure hope so? #NothingMatters
🍽️ MAKE A BOOK/MOVIE TITLE EDIBLE: Lord of the Onion Rings, East of Edam, To Grill a Mockingbird, Lady Chatterley’s Liver, Jurassic Pork, Chow Mein-Kampf, War and Peas, Huckleberry Flan, The Crepe Gatsby, Grape Expectations, Catcher in the Rye Bread, Of Rice and Men. #PunAppétit 🤌📚🎬🍴
🆓🪰🍌 FREE Fruit Flies! Shiny, metallic exoskeletons. Plenty of legs. Small, fast, feisty and fun – with a real zest for life. 💃💃💃 Great value! Endlessly self-replicating. Make huge profits giving yours away too! Call Delco Dave by the Dumpster
Funk Shui by Bootsie Gray 🎸 ✨🛋️ Certified in astral aesthetics & bassline realignment. Rearrange your life for peak sensual harmony. Color cures. Lava therapy. Disco orientation. 💃🕺 🪩 Commercial/residential. Ask us about our van interior specials! @FunkShuiPHL
🗽Give me your tired, your poor, / Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, / The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. / Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, / I lift my lamp beside the golden door! 🔥🚪✨
— Emma Lazarus, poet and playwright (1849-1887) [from a poem written to raise funds for building the pedestal of the Statue of Liberty]
I don’t always get blocked on social media, but when I do, it’s usually a good indication I was right and they couldn’t handle it. ~ Nana nana boo boo. (I trust you know what to do with your head.) ~ Roger
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