🌱 MAY begins like a daydream and ends like a dare. One minute you’re feeding ducks in the park, the next you’re spiraling over an emoji in someone’s text. Blame the season. Or the pollen. Or the Flower Moon rising May 12th 🌕🌺 in all-consuming Scorpio ♏, stirring secrets, urges, and the sudden need to cry in a stranger’s car.
The month also blesses us with unhinged holidays: World Laughter Day (5/4) 🤪, No Socks Day (5/8) 🦶, and Talk Like Yoda Day (5/21) 🛸. Mix in some prom-night nostalgia, Mother’s Day meltdowns, and one extremely flirty Memorial Day BBQ, and it’s clear: love is messy this month. But so are we. Let’s gooooo.
* * * * *
Shooting in the air? Know your neighbors? Be careful sneaking around. Police officers need to know about when? Same? What is the time? Perfect time? You call the police or your neighbor (a retired police sergeant). Do me a favor, save your pal with the poor communication skills from arguing with their idiot neighbor who’s way into home defense. Have a peaceful day. ~ Pat H via Roxborough Rants & Raves
* * * * *
Gosh Daphne, sometimes I feel this deep conviction that we’re all jellyfish having this weird, collective dream that we’re somehow these upright creatures in an entirely inconceivable (to jellyfish) reality, inexplicably hell-bent on our own doom. But jellyfish don’t sleep, do they? ~ Siggie 🪼🌀❓
* * * * *
To the cute professor at Germantown Dollar Store on Chelten Ave: I’m a former colleague, we chatted about the girl with the puppy on Sunday April 27th. You seemed like a nice guy, I hope you get the rest you need. See you around? ~ Frugally Yours
* * * * *
We met on the Schuylkill River Trail. I’m the one with the high-def bike horn that sounds like a pack of mad dogs. Sorry about that, sometimes I forget that I’m not supposed to use it in the city. Anyway, it broke my heart when you lost control of your bowels climbing up that tree. I feel like I owe you dinner, at least, or a new pair of pants. ~ Mr. Febreeze #LoveAndOtherAccidents
Girl with the short, short blonde hair in Fishtown. I see you on the streets, and SEPTA – black clothes, olive shoes, tattoos, airpods. On your way, lost in your thoughts and music. I don’t dare disrupt your flow. Yet I hope you’ll find my message here, and be curious enough to look out for me in my dark suits and cowboy boots. #Howdy
* * * * *
I just learned that one horse has about 15 horsepower and I’m so mad I can’t think straight. ~ C. Biscuit
* * * * *
Look, Mircea, my love, I didn’t say you were a vampire. It’s just weird how you avoid mirrors and cameras, and how you wait to be formally invited into every place we go. And that time you were a bat. Yeah, that’s a hard one to explain away, but I’m open to hearing you out. ~ Mina #LoveWins
* * * * *
💃 ¡Bailar en FDR! – OK so you didn’t show up last month. But you spun me like a spicy dream last summer, and the connection I still feel demands I not give up so easily. I’ll be back May 30. Look for the white rose in my hair and the wistfulness in my hips. At least let me take you up on that icy tequila. Your “yes” is waiting, señor. ~ The Beat Goes On (and On)
* * * * *
This is for the nice gentleman who paid for my dinner at Flourtown Farmers Market a few weeks ago, I was the 40ish blonde lady who sprinted by you on Bethlehem Pike and yoinked your crab cakes. My name is Jen and I’m a menace and I’ll do it again!!! #ShellfishBitch
* * * * *
Chuck B. if you thought that, for a girl with my particular congenital defect, I’d know the song about “swimmin’with bow legged women” – you’d be right. Where you went wrong was thinking I’d find it funny. I did not. Hope this explains the wine in your face. Ladies, this one’s a keeper! #sarcasm
Fact: There was no autism diagnosed before 1930. True! Also Pluto wasn’t discovered until 1930, but we’re pretty sure it, too, was there the whole time. #duh #science
* * * * *
OMG, just stayed in the CUTEST Airbnb! Gotta know how much is the rent on these adorable, concrete Tiny Houses in the cemeteries?! Love the quiet vibe, especially at night when the fog rolls in. Everyone’s so hushed and radiant and blurry! So many tenants, the rent must be affordable. Anyone have the leasing office info? ~ Enchanted 🤩✨ #WhereDoISign
* * * * *
Family Meals Made Easy! Perfect for the most finicky partners, children, and houseguests. New! “Take it or Leave it People Kibble”. Comes in one flavor: unflavored. Eat it or starve, people — Mom’s not a restaurant. #ItsFine
* * * * *
If four minutes in space makes you an astronaut, then I’m a gynecologist. #NotRocketScience
* * * * *
🎡 STEP RIGHT UP! 🎡Thrills! Spills! Funnel cakes and fairground frights! The Tons of Fun Thrill Park is rolling into the Greater Philadelphia Expo Center, May 10–27! Ride the rides, win the rigged prizes, eat all your old favorites — then see who pukes first. 🎠💫🤢 Come one! Come all! 20+ rides, free parking, discounts & specials available. @tonsoffunshows
* * * * *
People are usually shocked to find out I’m not a good electrician. #dadjokes
* * * * *
🛒 Nouvaux Market – East Falls 🛒 Tiny corner store. Giant vibes. Chips, soaps, oat milk, goat milk, TP, tofu, tempeh, toothpaste. Prepared meals. Vegan treats. Local everything. Shockingly stocked. Unreasonably charming. Come get what you didn’t know you needed. 🛍️👀💡✨ nouvauxmarket.com
I wanted to punch her in the face, but I pooped on her car instead. — Christina Solometo aka the Delco Deucer (allegedly) 4/30/25
* * * * *
AI will never exploit me! Why pray tell? Because I throw off their language learning models by inserting random sentences into freak donut hamster spout whatever emails and There Goes My Baby and reports and such to protect my data crepe pan 15% off. We can all do the same Strawberry lightening nightshift. Hey, can I get some water here? We just all need to canned write chicken like this and defeat their efforts or cram it, Lucy. Ya feel me? Shit on the rug! ~ Ima Thinker
* * * * *
🐾 NW Philly Pack Walk – Sit, stay, stroll! 🐾 Unleash your weekend with a paws-itively free group dog walk every Sunday at 9:30am in McMichael Park (East Falls). All breeds, barks, and bipeds welcome — no pedigree required. We’re fur real: it’s the ulti-mutt way to sniff out new friends and raise the woof on your Sunday. No registration. No fees. Just leash up and show up. @NWPhillyPackWalk
* * * * *
Nice and slow now 🎶🤠 Got two of ‘em (yeah)! One’s a saint, one’s a sinner. No clue which. Both owe me dinner. ~ Hungry Jack #Yodel4You
* * * * *
To spell it out, the thing I hate most about “Liberal” Democrats is that they take up all the space for opposition to Republicans and use that space to give Republicans whatever the fuck they want. ~ Gil O’Tine 🤬🤬🤬
* * * * *
Sure, Regina, there is zero evidence that JD Vance killed the Pope. But where’s the evidence that he DIDN’T? Right? It’s fishy. That’s all I’m saying. We should probably deport him to El Salvador, just to be safe. ~ Doubting Dom 🚫🛋️
* * * * *
🌿Climate Change in Philadelphia – May 8, 6PM @ Schuylkill Center: This is for Sheila Z, Central High Class of ‘16 and the best lab partner I ever had. Back then I took your science skills for granted but lately I find myself wishing I’d thought to look beyond your coke-bottle glasses to the passionate eco-warrior inside. It’s a shot in the dark, but if you see this I hope you’ll meet me at this free community conversation. I’d be honored to take you dinner after! ~ Danny B.
Since Auschwitz we know what man is capable of. And since Hiroshima we know what is at stake. –Viktor Frankl, author, neurologist and psychiatrist, Holocaust survivor (1905-1997)
* * * * *
I’m taking your secret to the grave. Mostly due to the fact that I don’t want to go to my grave empty-handed. It’s called planning ahead. ~ Miss Morti
* * * * *
Mr. Whiskers just brought in a piece of seasoned salmon that obviously just came off someone’s grill. He’s a shameless thief, all it would take is a moment’s distraction. I can just imagine whoever it was, looking back to their empty plate, wondering where their dinner went. East Gtown, last Saturday in April. Sorry about my asshole cat.
* * * * *
Zipline Hero! Who was that fearless kid, beaming as she soared through the trees at Discovery Center’s zipline day last summer? Climbed 40 feet of cargo net like it was nothing — while I stood there, wondering if my health insurance was up to date. I didn’t go up then. But thanks to you, I’m aiming for lift-off this year. FREE ziplining, Saturday, May 17, 10AM–4PM @DiscoveryPhila. First come, first served. No fear.
* * * * *
The capitalist has no heart, but harpoon him in the pocketbook and you will draw blood. ~ Bill Haywood, American labor organizer (1869 – 1928)
* * * * *
Fallsers Exposed! 🙀 Fans of social awkwardness and Brazilian telenovelas, UR IN LUCK! My new book spills the tea on seven neighbors from a leafy block off Conrad, where classes, races, and generations clash over dog poop, parking… and polyamory! As told to a Squatter. PREORDER ONLINE: YesItsAllTrue.com
⚠️ ATTENTION: You are allowed to say, at any point, “I can’t support this.” It’s OK to change tack, no matter how far along you’ve come. You’re never locked into any one position, you can change your mind, you can say no.
* * * * *
David, I don’t want you back but please call me immediately about the goddamn theremin you left behind! I don’t know how you trained the cat to play it but his Star Trek jam is extremely vigorous, I find it impossible to sleep. And, unlike you, he goes all night. #YouHaveTilTrashDay
* * * * *
Sorry but if you can be the CEO for four different companies at the same time, then “CEO” isn’t a real job. #clowns 🤡🤡🤡
* * * * *
🧙♀️🌳✨ Witchy Chestnut Hill mama seeks wood nymphs, crones, and minor fertility goddesses for a pop-up coven at the Schuylkill Center nature preserve, SAT MAY 17. Join an evening of radical film and conversation re: Bodies, Territories, and Ecofeminist Legacy (4pm – until). Enchanted seedling swap at midnight. FREE
* * * * *
For years now I’ve been sitting on a random bench in public – usually Germantown Ave but sometimes Ridge, sometimes Midvale. Just waiting for the moment when I transform from a creepy middle-aged dude who’s probably up to something, into a harmless old person keeping watch over the community. Wish I knew what to do with my loneliness in the meantime. #benchwarming
* * * * *
Nobody gets scandalized if I give my blessings to a businessman who perhaps exploits people, and this is a very grave sin. But they get scandalized if I give them to a homosexual. This is hypocrisy. ~ Pope Francis (1936 – 2025)
* * * * *
CHEAP RENT, DOWNTOWN LOCATION! Super quiet neighborhood. Cute tiny houses for let: 1 bedroom, 0 bath, private entrance over fence under cover of darkness. Utilities not included. Smokers OK. $200/month obo. Call Drusilla and REST IN PEACE EVERY NIGHT!
Hope you were up to date on your shots, Umberto! So sorry! I’m really quite docile, except for that eye contact thing Julie was supposed to warn you about. I usually give a warning howl, too, I don’t know what happened this time, whoops. ~ Rocky PS I think if I had rabies I’d be 💀 by now!
* * * * *
Dee Dee at the Wawa: Some people might find your Delco accent annoying, but to me it’s charming. Your tip on the Blue Ribbon Special at Tom Jones restaurant was spot-on. You’ll have to let me treat you one day. ~ Mr. Chambers
* * * * *
🌱 Mother Nature’s Bot Farm 🤖 Hurry! Spring/summer rumors and conspiracies while they last! Well-fertilized and ready to root in the darkness of your worst unfounded fears. **U-Pick-It Saturdays** Harvest your own internet-fresh propaganda, straight off social grapevines! Fun for the whole CIS white family! Cash & Crypto Only
* * * * *
YES, I practice daily medication and NO that is not a typo. Just so we’re clear. #BetterLivingThruChemistry #2025
* * * * *
Hey im tryin to bring back the swingers scene in the area. Alot of ppl arent aware the role it played in gettin ppl to come over to main street besides the race, they wanted to see the long black streets that goes up the hills in person. And boy where they in awe. It created a buzz. I mean ipas are cool butt there’s other things are better. ~ Mr Bush @RR&R #iykyk
* * * * *
Raising kids is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park. #momjokes 🦕🦖🤪
* * * * *
We hope you have enjoyed this Month’s MISSED CONNECTIONS!
Reply to ads from Craig’s List by clicking on their sign-offs. Place your own listing in one of three ways: 1) comment below 2) text 215-498-8874 or 3) email DrKarl@nwlocalpaper.com. You may also respond to ads privately via text or email — please be as specific as possible so that Dr. Karl may properly assist. Thank you, my friend.
Click Here for Last Month’s Missed Connections!
Be the first to comment