🌸💫 Hello, APRIL — the month that can’t decide if it’s spring or still secretly winter. ☀️🌧️ One minute it’s daffodils, the next it’s frostbite, and somewhere in between, a thunderstorm throws a tantrum in the middle of your lunch break.
This month’s full moon (the Pink Moon) rises on April 12th 🌕🌸 under the balanced, truth-seeking sign of Libra ♎—perfect for reflecting, reconnecting, and maybe just texting that person you’ve been weirdly dreaming about all week.
Meanwhile, April showers us with reasons to keep things weird: National Pet Day (4/11) 🐕, Look-Alike Day (4/20) 👯♂️, and Honesty Day (4/30) 😬—which feels like a trap, frankly.
So grab your umbrella, your most delusional daydream, and maybe a change of socks. Things are about to get slippery. Let’s make it an April to remember. 💌🌦️✨
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After Hours⌛ Always wanted to enjoy the building with a friend after everyone leaves for the evening. I can just see you in that light, not a soul in sight. Shadows dancing and nerves alive. Don’t have the guts to tell you in person. Obviously. Hope you see this, or pick up all the hints. ~ Night Shifter
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🙏 Planet Fitness (Fox St): To the curvy woman on the leg press— I don’t mean to stare, but I’m still trying to count all twelve disciples on your Last Supper thigh tattoo. Pretty sure I spotted Judas on your hamstring. Respect. ~ BPM Boi
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Hello, some guy in a gorilla suit just ran by my window with a crate of bananas. I’m on Cresson. At least I think it was a guy in a suit. I don’t want to call the cops but I thought someone should know. ~ Anonymous
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Coffee Break 3/31: What’s your deal? Busting in while I’m Facetiming my mom, introducing yourself as my girlfriend and then arguing with me so convincingly that she now thinks I’m hiding our relationship. I don’t even know who you are! Fix this, pls. ~ Thunder Mugged
💃 ¡Bailar en FDR! – You spun me like a spicy dream last summer, tempting me to linger with frozen mango and tequila. But I’d just eaten three al pastor and a tamarindo soda, and honestly? I was ready for bed, not bachata. I’ll be back April 25. Look for the white rose in my hair and the regret in my hips. Ask again — this time I’ll say yes. ~ The Beat Goes On
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RESIST! Only dead fish go with the flow. 🌊🌊🌊
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Le Jerk at Le Bus, get it right: it’s server, not servant. My job is to take your order, not your abuse. If you could stand in my industrial Crocs, you would see I am firmly planted in shoes a size too small. Like your character, pinched and out of fashion. Good day, sir. ~ Monsieur Garcon
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Brett: I stayed home again today. You said you’d reach out to see if I was around. So here I am – hello? Is this a joke? I have a job, you know, I can’t keep taking off to wait for, what? Nothing. ~ Hope Floats Like Poop
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To the lady giving a hummer in the car right in front of my house, then hawk-tooing on the curb where I park: My ring camera caught everything except the license plate. If you think this is going to be a regular thing, think again! I told my nosy neighbor and she is on the look out for you. 👀👀👀 – Nora in EF
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“Psssst”, you hissed from behind the bushes. Shifty eyes. Nervous energy. Your elongated finger irresistibly curling with possibilities. Oh my garden witch. Take me, mulch me, make me yours. ~ Roger by the hollyhocks
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The world is in greater peril from those who tolerate or encourage evil than from those who actually commit it. -Albert Einstein, physicist, Nobel laureate (1879-1955)
🎨ART OPENING: (In)visible Structures (APRIL 10, 6–8PM)
Free event at the Schuylkill Center features paintings by Rebecca Rutstein exploring the hidden processes that sustain life on Earth — from Arctic salt channels to deep-sea volcanoes to underground fungal networks. Artist talk at 7pm. Light refreshments. Walk-ins welcome.
schuylkillcenter.org
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ℹ️ Two things that never get old: dark humor and unvaccinated children. #FreedomFreckles ⚰️
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Custom Police Sketches by @BrandonART – Don’t wait til you’re on the lam! My pre-crime charcoal composites are affordable, flattering, and optimized for wide distribution. Guilty or not, you’ll look good.
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🛒 Nouvaux Market – East Falls 🛒 Tiny corner store. Giant vibes. Chips, soaps, oat milk, goat milk, TP, tofu, tempeh, toothpaste. Prepared meals. Vegan treats. Local everything. Shockingly stocked. Unreasonably charming. Come get what you didn’t know you needed. 🛍️👀💡✨ nouvauxmarket.com
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Pantyhose Feet! It’s almost sandal season, and I can think of nothing else but craggy toes cocooned in suntan webbing. Fly free, little butterflies!! ~ Uncle Stanley
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What’s in my basement?!! This is for Ed at Cranky Joe’s — dude, you asked me if I could keep “an alien” safe for a few days. I assumed it was, like, an ICE thing, so of course I said I didn’t want to know. But now it’s been a week, there’s a green glow under the door and some really weird noises that don’t sound human. You need to come get this out please or I’m calling the Pentagon.
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Asked my Ophthalmologist to examine my third eye while he was in there anyway. Inexplicably, he said he can’t. Obstinate or incompetent? YOU decide. ~ Weird Science 👁️🥼🕯️
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People who say “Go big or go home” seriously underestimate how much I prefer to be home. #cozy
Turkish Cashier: Discussion of Jalaluddin Rumi works rudely interrupted 2 mo ago. I think you were there one night and wisely moved on. In unrelated news: “Libel/slander laws in PA, smart cookies looky-loo: “a history of mistranslating social cues is not a basis for defamation of character” ~ T’old Uso
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Sorry but if you can be the CEO for four different companies at the same time, then “CEO” isn’t a real job. #clowns
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🐾 NW Philly Pack Walk – Sit, stay, stroll! 🐾 Unleash your weekend with a paws-itively free group dog walk every Sunday at 9:30am in McMichael Park (East Falls). All breeds, barks, and bipeds welcome — no pedigree required. We’re fur real: it’s the ulti-mutt way to sniff out new friends and raise the woof on your Sunday. No registration. No fees. Just leash up and show up. @NWPhillyPackWalk
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Dear Sue, I know the Fungus Club folks never called us back about that thing on the top of your butt crack but they’re doing a free fungi workshop this month at the Discovery Center. There’s a talk and a tour and everything, let’s get some answers! Sat April 12 (10am – 12pm) @discocveryphila.org
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How some of us think that school children need to be protected from Rosa Parks more than assault rifles blows my mind. #USA2025 #unprecedented
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You said “Partner in Crime” – I should’ve asked questions. Sure, I screamed a lot and kept grabbing the wheel, but honestly? Best date I’ve had in years. Call me when you make bail, I’ll show you where it’s buried. ~ Bonnie-baby
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Walgreens (South St) – to whoever keeps putting all the “Sorry to hear about your accident” cards in with the pregnancy announcements: Hi, Dad! Good one! 🙄 ~ Yr Demon Seed
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Only YOU can prevent forest fires! Seriously. We’ve been defunded. It’s just you now. ~ Smokey Bear
I’m Ron and I microdose mischief. It helps keep the sins at bay. Doctors hate me, priests are confused. But my cat approves. Join us. #naughtynotsorry
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🌱 Mother Nature’s Bot Farm 🤖 Locally-sprouted Russian conspiracy seeds in premium manure, ready to root in churches, school boards, public restrooms, and community Facebook pages. **U-Pick-It Saturdays** Harvest your own distorted narrative fresh off the internet! Fun for the whole CIS white family! Cash & Crypto Only
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We live in a world in which we need to share responsibility. It’s easy to say “It’s not my child, not my community, not my world, not my problem.” Then there are those who see the need and respond. I consider those people my heroes. -Fred Rogers, television host, songwriter, and author (1928-2003)
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Late March at the 7-11 on Kelly Dr. I was busy being seen when you materialized to pester me with recognition. Hey, you, let’s keep it impersonal. I’m just here for the anonymous attention, sure as hell ain’t looking for human contact from a life I put behind me long ago. Not to be rude, but leave me alone. Thanks. ~ R. R. Dress
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🎄🎃 Holiday Showdown at the Expo Center 🎃🎄 Santa’s sleigh meets a hearse full of fog machines as East Coast delegations for the Christmas Show and the Haunters Convention go head-to-head April 26–27. Goth elves! Peppermint graveyards! Cinnamon-scented mayhem! And at least one haunted inflatable. Costumes encouraged. So is conflict. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! Phillyexpocenter.com
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Why should you help pay off someone’s student loan if you didn’t go to college? Good question! Now ask yourself why you’re covering tax cuts for billionaires while working a blue-collar job. 🤔🤔🤔
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To my new housemates — sorry about the dial-up meltdown. The modem noise triggered deep uncontrollable rage and confusion. I’ll pay for the drywall but we’re going wireless or I’m out! ~ LAN Before Time
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When you think there’s no hope left: Remember the lobsters in the tank at the Titanic’s restaurant. 🦞🤙 #deuces
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