Weather Witchin’

Cloudy with a chance of grift and widespread DIY. 

As spring rolls in, so do the storms — and if you’ve noticed your emergency alerts feeling a little… quieter lately, you’re not wrong. Recent cuts to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (who manages the National Weather Service) have discreetly gutted many mechanisms responsible for alerting Americans to extreme weather events. From radar station closures to staff shortages and tech defunding, the very systems built to protect us from climate disaster are being dismantled in real time.

But hey! Humans got by just fine before meteorologic science, here’s a great opportunity to reconnect with our instincts and generational wisdom! Forget all that fancy “forecasting” with satellites and computer models. Who needs real-time data when you can consult the Farmer’s Almanac, observe squirrel behavior, or just stick a finger in the wind?

Here’s to the new old way of doing things! We proudly present this officially unofficial April weather forecast, compiled from historical trends, folklore, and celestial vibes.

APRIL 2025 FORECAST: PHILADELPHIA REGION
(Brought to you by candlelight, caterpillars, and historical averages)

🌧️ Week 1 (April 1–7)
Expect showers if the frogs are loud. Thunder on April Fools’ Day means good crops this season, but for the rest of us non-farmers, this just means more yardwork.

☁️ Week 2 (April 8–14)
“Rain before seven, fine by eleven,” unless it’s actually snowing, which it might be because April’s a menace. If your dog refuses to go outside, trust her.

🌦️ Week 3 (April 15–21)
If cows are lying down, it’s going to rain. If they’re standing up, it also might rain. Cows are not reliable forecasters. Bring an umbrella.

⛈️ Week 4 (April 22–30)
Red skies at night? Sailor’s delight. Red skies in the morning? Sailor’s warning. Red sky at lunch? Seek shelter. Something is wrong.

⏳🤓 TIMELESS TIPS FROM YE OLDE WEATHER WIZARDRY 🪄🔮⛈️
(Approved by your neighborhood doomsday prepper)

• If smoke goes straight up: clear skies. If it hugs the ground: rain. If there’s no smoke at all? You should probably exhale.
• Ring around the moon? Rain within three days. Or a werewolf. Either way: stay indoors.
• Crickets chirping fast? Warmer temperatures. Crickets chirping slowly? Cold snap coming. Crickets chirping at you? Seek help.
• Thick swarms of gnats in the setting sun means fair weather ahead, with swatting likely.
• When the clouds move against the wind, that signals changing conditions, or possibly the world is spinning off its axis.

AND YET… THERE IS STILL HOPE

While federal support dwindles, there are still a few good ways to stay informed — especially online. Here’s where to look for accurate forecasts and emergency updates in the chaos:

🌀 Ryan Hall, Y’all (YouTube)
A charismatic independent meteorologist with over 2.5 million subscribers, Ryan breaks down major weather events in plain English, often with real-time updates and livestreams. Great for storm tracking, especially in the South and Midwest — but also very educational.
▶️ youtube.com/@RyanHallYall

📺 Local TV Stations
6ABC, NBC10, CBS3, and FOX29 all still maintain meteorology teams, and their apps often push alerts faster than national news outlets.

🌪️📲 Other Weather Apps 👀👀👀

• • Windy: Professional map-based forecasts using multiple models.
  • AccuWeather: Good for short-term forecasts and allergy tracking.
  • RadarScope: A bit geeky, but excellent if you’re into raw radar data.
  • Carrot: A customizable weather app with personality.
  • Weather Channel: The mother of all weather apps, with a broad range of content.

🔔 NOAA Weather Radio
An oldie but goodie. Despite government cutbacks, battery-powered radios tuned to NOAA broadcasts are still one of the most reliable ways to receive weather warnings during power outages or internet blackouts. Reliable, affordable options at MidlandUSA.com (or you could go totally old-school and invest in a good barometer).

Local Weather Awareness: What to Know

🌊 1. Flooding Is Philly’s #1 Weather Risk  Many Philly neighborhoods — especially along the Schuylkill and Delaware Rivers — are prone to flooding, even from moderate rainfall. Flash floods can also happen far from rivers due to poor drainage (looking at you, Kelly Drive, and your buddy I-676).
➡️ Tip: Sign up for flood alerts via ReadyPhiladelphia, the city’s emergency notification system.

🌡️ 2. Heatwaves Are Getting Worse  Philly routinely hits triple-digit heat indexes in July and August, especially in lower-income neighborhoods with fewer trees and more pavement.
➡️ Tip: Keep an eye on the Philadelphia Heatline (215-765-9040) — it opens during heat emergencies and provides advice + help locating cooling centers.

📻 3. SEPTA Doesn’t Love Bad Weather  Heavy rain routinely delays buses, trolleys, and regional rail — sometimes due to power issues or flooding.
➡️ Tip: Check the SEPTA Twitter/X feed or the SEPTA app before you head out in bad weather.

💨 4. Wind + Tree Limbs = Power Outages  Wind advisories should be taken seriously in older neighborhoods like East Falls and Germantown, where large trees often mean downed wires.
➡️ Tip: PECO’s outage map is live and updated frequently: outagemap.peco.com

🌐 5. Hyper-Local Sources Matter  Philly’s topography and microclimates mean that what’s happening in Manayunk can be very different from South Philly or Northeast.
➡️ Tip: Follow neighborhood-based social media groups for up-to-the-minute feedback on conditions in your immediate area.

So whether you’re reading cloud patterns like a colonial sky-gazer or livestreaming storm updates on your favorite device, staying ahead of the weather takes a little more personal resolve these days. As our national safety nets unravel and public forecasting fades into folklore, it’s up to regular folks to pay attention — to the skies, the signals, and each other.

Because while the official outlook might be partly absurd with a strong chance of federal indifference, we still dare to hope… for clearer skies, stronger systems, and maybe even a future where reliable weather reporting remains a free public service.

Until then: keep an eye on the horizon, trust your local toad, and never underestimate the wisdom of a cranky neighbor with a HAM radio.

Ed Note: Please click the links for info and satirical context; as always, leave your comments below.