Missed Connections: JULY 2024

JULY is for cook-outs and fireworks, short shorts and long weekends downa shore. According to folklore, it’s the month to eat sea scallops in honor of St. James, and refresh the protective garlic around your home. The national month for both picnics and ice cream with the Tour de France and butterfly season in full swing.

Treat yourself to a Cookie Puss on the 8th for the 77th anniversary of the Roswell UFO Incident. Speaking of space, the Delta Aquariids Meteor Shower peaks around the 28th – 29th (best viewed in the hours before dawn — look up, and southeast). July’s full moon is called a “thunder moon” and it happens this year on the 21st, and it’s in Capricorn so we’ll all feel extra industrious. Celebrate Shark Awareness Day on the 14th, National Pennsylvania Day on the 20th, and Buffalo Soldiers Day on the 28th.

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🎉💛🥰 Friendly Neighborhood PSA — The first and the last week of every month is often a time of transition when rent, utilities, and other bills are due. And if you’re getting any form of government assistance, your balance may be low or empty and you might need some help getting by for a few days until funds refresh. Or maybe you aren’t on any assistance and you still need support. That’s OK!

Community fridges aren’t places of judgement. Welcome all: folks that are houseless, students, retired elders, parents and guardians, caregivers supporting multiple families, and everything in between. Our fridges are for everybody so let’s support each other however we can 💛 @GermantownCommunityFridge  Donors: If you can give extra on the first or last weeks of the month, you’ll make a huge difference. Please see our website, with a variety of ways you can support your local community fridge. 🙏🙏🙏

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Our no-contact summer is killing me, Morgan. Can we bend the rules just a bit? I’m taking the baby to the free jazz  concert by the Parkside playspace, July 14th – it starts at 5 but we’re coming early for the food trucks. Join us? Plenty of room on our blanket. ~ Feeling Forgiving

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I’d like to know who the Driving Crooner is, going around NW Philly in a white Honda Civic. This is MY turf, buddy, back off! ~ Glenn in the silver 2015 CTS.  PS And nobody better try to steal my decals!!!!!!

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Every day, Imani, I think I should go ahead and block you. Not because I no longer have feelings for you  – I absolutely do. But just for my own peace of mind. And closure. But I’m honestly torn on how final we should be. What do you think? ~ Nia downtown PS Don’t show this to HER!

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Nothing’s finer than warm-weather dog walking – why, soft summer nights were made for it, I said, making Sunday small talk, that’s all. Don’t look if you don’t want to see me naked. ~ Garden Court Godiva

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So I was at the bar last night and the waitress screamed: ‘Anyone know CPR?!!” I said, “Hell, I know the whole alphabet” and everyone laughed. Well, everyone except this one guy.  #dadjokes

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Once you hear the details of victory, it is hard to distinguish it from a defeat. -Jean-Paul Sartre (1905-1980)

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Standing on my balcony, clouds of electricity can zap me to infinity (but the energy is low). Staring down the glass of Time, searching for an alibi to save me from a life of crime tv shows — who knows though? It’s just beats, yo. Let em shine.  @GardenStateBarbie #deep

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THEM: How many pushups can you do? ME: If they’re the orange flavor I know for a fact I can do seven in one sitting! #SummerGoals

Don’t worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you. – Robert Fulghum, American author (b. 1937)

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6/12 Modest Mouse + Pixies Concert (Mann) – Your hair was the biggest, most beautiful, curly, dark tangle I’ve ever seen. I could get lost in those locks! We had a vibe but your stubby friend kept blocking me. Who says you never get a second chance?  ~ Enrique

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The International Labyrinth Society is in town! Come help create a sense of controlled disorientation at historic Mount Pleasant Mansion. Includes guided walk on Boxer’s Trail. Thurs, July 25 (6 – 8PM). @MyPhillyPark

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It’s not the best ceiling I’ve ever seen, but it’s up there. #dadjokes

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This is for the nice Columbian woman with the big goofy dog who jumped on the bench between us at Fern Hill park on a Sunday afternoon, and stole the latte I was drinking. Sorry I yelled but I don’t think coffee is good for dogs, even if it’s part of your culture. Also you owe me a latte!  ~ Accidental Tourist

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It’s impossible to be loyal to your family, your friends, your country, and your principles, all at the same time. – Mignon McLaughlin, American journalist and author (1913-1983)

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The Earth isn’t round but it isn’t flat either, it’s a cube but rectangular – like an aquarium. In fact, that’s exactly what Earth is: a giant aquarium in another dimension. I feel like we’re probably in a doctor’s office or maybe a 2nd grade classroom. Who’s tapping on the glass, looking in? Who’s watching who? Who? ~The Fish-eyed Fool

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When one door closes, another opens. Or you can open the closed door. That’s how doors work, stupid. 🙄

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Yo, where my girls at?! Jess? Pam? Heather? Let’s tear it up in Delco like we used to. Or drive up and down Ridge Ave all night! How bout both?! You see this, you call me.  ~ Denise

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Butterfly Count 2024: Join Audubon Mid-Atlantic in this year’s annual tally of Philly’s prettiest pollinators at the Discovery Center. A fun, free, feel-good event! Nets, binoculars, magnifying glasses, etc. provided. Family-friendly – if you can count, you can help! Sat July 27 (10am – noon)

Newly Renovated 1BR/1BA (Germantown): 2nd Floor, great view overlooking historic stretch of Gtown Ave. Hardwood floors, new appliances (incl. W/D). Minutes from city, close to public transportation. See listing for contact info.

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Once upon a time before COVID, I was a college intern shadowing a dude named Todd who like a tax guru at this generic accounting firm in center city. Also he did insurance too just for fun. I think he had an ant farm on his desk? Anyone know this guy? I could go for a really good audit. ~ Angela M.

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UPDATE! Saturdays at FDR Park: I found a bustling Asian street market by a big blue pond, and now long story short: I’m addicted to mango sticky rice bowls and part owner of a time share in Hoi An. You don’t need to do the tour first but it helps! Next one is July 13th at 9:45am (meet at the boathouse).

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We bonded so well during a 2.5 hour delay at PHL, we paired our seats and agreed to share each other’s snacks on the plane. We both had sugar-free gummy bears, fun! Flirting madly, we finished both jumbo bags between us – our second mistake. The first was getting sugar-free candy to begin with (the most explosive laxative ever). The third is flushing my ruined pants down the vacuum toilet without a plan to cover my ass afterward. Sorry! If you want your jacket back, lmk I’ll have it cleaned.  ~ GoldieLeaks

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The man who invented the Ferris wheel never met the man who invented the merry-go-round. Seems they traveled in different circles. #dadjokes

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Casting Call: Model/Actress needed for regular appearances in various social situations: dinners, weddings, ball games, PTA meetings, etc. Just need someone who looks like a younger, prettier version of my ex (50 y.o. blonde, 5’ 5”). Great pay, transportation provided. Call Dave.

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🦁👑🎦 Summer Cinema: The Lion King at Vernon Park (Sat July 20). Bring chairs or a blanket, pack some snacks. Show starts at sunset. Roar!

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To the crumb bums that went in my boyfriend’s truck on the 3600 block of Fisk and stole shit – a big F you!!!!! ~ Sidney with the Ring camera

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Hey guys! The Delaware Valley Ornithology Club is hosting a whole day of free boardgames. Can you imagine a nerdier sentence? 🤣🤣🤣  Still, you can’t beat the view at the Discovery Center. And it’s BYOB! Sat July 20 (1 – 4 pm)

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🍓🌕🖼️ Strawberry Moon at the Art Museum – Kelly, I forgot to mention that my pool is open, if you ever want to swim. ~J

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To put the undecided voters in perspective, I think of being on an airplane, and the flight attendant offers a choice: Would you like the chicken, or this platter of shit with broken glass in it? To be undecided  in this election is to pause for a moment and ask how the chicken is cooked.  – David Sedaris, American author (b. 1956)

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Checkin out at the Aldi, couldn’t help check YOU out too, my dear cashier! Curvy clerk, tell me more about your drawers every night, I bet you’re right on the money. Ca-ching! ~ Mr. Ledger

🌮🌮🌮 No way you’ll see this but here goes. We were vaping outside Murphy’s new taco joint on Midvale. You were on a bad date, and took off in an uber. Your dude came out, wondering where you were. He had A LOT to say. I think you’ll find much of it interesting. Call me!  — KC  (East Falls)

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My band “Elephant Deuce” was playing The Fallser again, where I saw you in the crowd. When I asked you after what you thought of the show, you said It stunk just like the band name. Then you called us a Vapor Rhinos ripoff to my face! Bitch, your snotty, bratty, belligerent attitude is so hot!!!  When you walked away, you snarled (!) and spat on me. SPAT on me! Where’ve you been all my life, goddess?  ~Damaged Goods

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What happens when two non-binary hotties meet in a gender-neutral bathroom during intermission at The Wilma Theater’s production of Hilma? You tell me, Alex, I’d really love to find out. ~ Skye

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Ray I bet you FIFTY BUCKS that my Kai beats your Cam in the Anna Verna Playground Olympics! Meet me 9:30am July 20th and we’ll see who gets the most medals. Let the best kid win! ~ Bobby PS Don’t tell Tisha

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Home-Wrecker Builders, LLC: Comprehensive Demolition Services | Let our impossibly-attractive, scantily-clad, well-equipped crew wreck your home in no time! No job too clichéd or pathetic. All genders, cheaper than divorce or murder. ⚠️ 215-WRECK-IT

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Here’s your SIGN that you should attend this year’s Graphics Pro Expo, and network with colleagues and industry experts over four days of mixers, vendors, exhibits, etc. for all fans of print and digital graphics. July 9 – 12, Gr Phila Expo Center. $19.99 Come have a BANNER time!

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I don’t always have time to fold laundry, but when I do, I don’t.  #momjokes

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Ready Philadelphia is the City’s FREE “Emergency Broadcast System”, available in 11 languages including ASL. Sign up via phila.gov/ready for severe storm alerts, evacuations, travel disruptions, and other critical information delivered to your phone. Stay safe!

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Through my window, I do peek,
You mow the lawn, my knees go weak.
With every pass, my heart takes flight,
Who knew yard work could feel so right?
Shall I tempt you with a lemonade
And a quick, consensual escapade?
~ Missus Dickenson

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F*CK FAST FASHION! Shop vintage for best quality, style, and vibe. What’s that, Earth? You’re welcome! @PhillyVintageFlea SAT July 27 (12 – 5pm) at Gr Phila Expo Center. Tix as low as $5.

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I would tell an En Vogue joke but you’re never gonna get it. #80sJokes

This is a long shot but I’d like to connect with a lovely, red-haired woman I met on the morning train from 30th St to DC 6/3. She said she needed to borrow my phone charger for “just a second” but I never got it back. Hey, that’s twenty bucks! ~ Steve

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Restorative Katonah Yoga at the Schuylkill Center – Greet the morning with a beginner-friendly yoga class in a serene outdoor setting. De-stress and rejuvenate with fresh air and sunshine! Sat July 13, 20, 27 (non-members $20/class).

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We met at the Bottom Dollar – you were like pennies from heaven for this guy who was on his last dime. Against all cents, you took my wooden nickels and invested in my best interest. But I wasn’t ready for change. ~ Mr. Mint

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It’s easy to make everything a conspiracy when you don’t know how anything works. Consume media responsibly, nothing is unknowable. #DoBetter

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Say, who’s that lady on the funky bike? Cruising down the SRT, not a care in the world. Her bell goes “ding” so loud it sets my false teeth on edge. If you see this, get a bike horn. ~ Gummie Gus

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Gauntlet Thrown: who’s ready for an Outward Bound experience at the James McLane Family Challenge Course? Ages 12+, all gear provided. Sat July 27 (10am – 4pm) at the Discovery Center. FREE

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To the ardent dude making eyes at me all night at the Modest Mouse/Pixies show: I really wish you’d gone a little farther, and actually talked to me b/c then I could’ve told you my wife was not amused and I am definitely not on your team. ~ Leena

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It’s weird but for the last five years at least there’s this one lady I always see at the ShopRite, we must be on the same grocery schedule, we’ve never really talked but we do our little nod of recognition, as you do. I haven’t seen her since February, it’s weird not knowing where she’s gone. She was 40s? 50s? Pleasant face. Nicely dressed – not expensive, but classy. Lemme know if you know who I mean please. ~ Roseanne in Blue Bell Hill

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I would tell a Salt ‘n Peppa joke but I don’t want to push it. #80sJokes

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Problem: invasive summer weeds. Solution: eat them! July is wineberry season, when local fields and forests fill with prickly shrubs bearing sweet-tart red berries that can make a variety of treats from salsas to spritzers. Learn how to ID this delectable edible and prepare it for consumption. Sat July 13 (11am – 1pm) at the Schuylkill Center.

To the gentleman in Target’s parking lot, scraping the “wife” stick figure decal off the back of his black Audi – I’m the thick-ass shawty circling you on the Indego bike. 🔥🔥🔥 You single now? Lemme know if you like what you saw.  ~ Jordan

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Some white guy at the von Steuben monument in Valley Forge told me how the General was an openly gay military genius who hosted naked dinner parties and wrote the Army’s drill manual (still used today). Were you hitting on me? Your choice of trivia was very confusing.  ~ Brad the Birder

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Shall I compare thee to a summer’s night? Calling all local bards for a lovely, temperate evening of nature and poetry at the beautiful Discovery Center. Open Mic with free yoga, food, and vendors. FRI JUL 12, 6:30 – 8:30 PM @DiscoveryPhila

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Don’t tell someone you love them, then vote for someone who will hurt them. #BallotOfLove

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Wayne Singleton! Plumber! I’ve been needing someone to fix my toilet. Got his phone number from the Gtown page. Called him one morning and he came by that afternoon and fixed it! He even had the parts on him, so thankful to have found him. I was really getting tired of flushing the toilet with buckets of water! His number is 215-378-7011. ~Joyce

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Get my tires rotated??? Uh, pretty sure they rotate while I’m driving, but thanks. #momjokes

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This is sort of a cray cray request. I used to ride the #27 bus to and from work. I had a crush on this girl who also took the same bus but was too scared to ask her out. She’s a Marlo Thomas kind of looker. Pretty, friendly, warm, w/ a sweet smile. I believe she probably still lives in Roxborough. How do I find her or it is best to simply let it go? She seems like a one of a kind person. Tks.  ~ Ray L, Rox Rants & Raves

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I’m a big fat middle-aged dork but at least I’m honest. There’s a lot of other good stuff about me too: polite, easy-going, pleasant company. You’ll hardly notice the nerdiness! (Chestnut Hill)

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APPLY NOW! The Philadelphia chapter of the Sons of Bitches motorcycle gang is currently seeking new members. Perhaps you’ve heard of us. We’re pretty tough, but our moms are tougher.

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Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going. #Detours

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We hope you have enjoyed this Month’s MISSED CONNECTIONS!

Reply to ads from Craig’s List by clicking on their sign-offs. Place your own listing in one of three ways: 1) comment below 2) text 215-498-8874 or 3) email DrKarl@nwlocalpaper.com. You may also respond to ads privately via text or email — please be as specific as possible so that Dr. Karl may properly assist. Thank you, my friend.

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About Karl Von Lichtenhollen 68 Articles
Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen is a doctor and fellow of the Applied Knowledges at Blödsinn Universität in Munich, Germany (1973). He was born and raised in the Nether Regions area of Holland, near Tainte, which he refers to fondly as a "Dutch Wonderland." Dr. Lichtenhollen once shared a houseboat in Amsterdam with the cast of a geriatric production of HAIR, inspiring his famous essay, "That Which I Cannot Unsee." He is a three-time recipient of the "Iron Feather" award. His hobbies include ascots, Highland wool sweaters and his pipe. He has a cat.

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