Missed Connections: JUNE 2024

JUNE is growth and abundance: the world in full bloom! Philadelphia’s beautiful Linden trees burst into fragrant yellow flowers, and daylilies of every color enliven our landscapes. It’s peak season for cherries and wild mulberries, too. Our summer solstice happens at 4:50 PM on Thursday the 20th of this month, bathing our hemisphere in sunshine. Tourist season kicks off in the Arctic Circle, aka the Land of the Midnight Sun (that will not set in many areas for several months). In Peru, the Festival of the Sun on June 24th celebrates the Incan sun god “Inti” and marks winter solstice in the Southern Hemisphere with special performances, rituals, and offerings. Here in the US, it’s Pride Month and Black Music Month, and on the 20th the country celebrates its fourth Juneteenth together as a national holiday. June 15th is World Martini Day, the 16th is Father’s Day, and Summersgiving falls on Saturday the 22nd (put some turkey on the grill!) .

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I wish you came over, knocked on my door and said hi. I’d invite you in and want to hug you so close I couldn’t see your eyes. Just feel my chest smile way down deep. And hope you feel it too.  ~ West Girard

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Knowing trees, I understand the meaning of patience. Knowing grass, I can appreciate persistence. –Hal Borland (1900-1978)

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My kids won’t stop bugging me for an in-ground pool so tonight we’re watching Poltergeist. #dadjokes

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Whoever’s pooping behind the Popeye’s Chicken on Chelten, I think you need a doctor. Turds are not supposed to be white. There’s a clinic right up the street. Don’t wait.  ~ Fellow Human

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You, woman. Me, man. Together we found magic in the suburbs outside Villanova. I followed you to a 4th floor walkup at 11th and Pine. Don’t remember who cheated first, but it’s been years since we parted and you’re still my sweetie darling. Wish you well but glad you’re just a memory. You know?  ~ D.L.

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Interesting how a man who has no say about how his wife flies a flag at their home can tell other women what to do with their bodies. #WhatAWorld

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You sold me your Trek 7.3FX Hybrid a few years ago, and now I’ve ridden it like a thousand miles and I realize what a sweet deal you gave me. I’d love to personally thank you – do you still live near 100 Steps? Are you still into climacophilia?  ~ Jaime

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Why everybody losing their damn minds over Weaver’s Way opening up on Chelten? It’s great how its organic and all but it’s still just a grocery store, and not cheap either. I feel like everybody’s trying too hard to convince me I need to spend my money here. I said what I said. Good night. ~ Ms Real

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Einstein ER: midmorning on a weekday. I admired your Snoopy scrubs, and your cool professionalism with regards to my embarrassing injury. If you see this, let me know if you’d be up for participating in my Tiktok reenactment.  @PHjackass

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Remember, Shelly. Forgiving you means I’m no longer dwelling on what an asshole you are. It doesn’t mean you are no longer an asshole. We’re done here.  ~ Cuz Dee

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I’m the guy at Live casino!!! You totally looked me over. I caught you!!! Haha Shame people don’t hug strangers anymore. So let’s be friends now, set the stage for next happy hour.  ~ Mr Army Hoodie

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Is anyone else tempted to go to the sneaker convention this month in case Trump shows up with a new set of gold kicks I can sell for a mint on eBay ten minutes later? Cause that was great last time! @PhillyGotSole June 15 (12 – 6pm)

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OK I might be a lil stoned but hear me out: what if there was an app where you and your spouse or roommate or whoever swipe left or right on movies on your streaming services, and when you find a match it lets you know? 🤔🤔🤔 Sign me up!

ANNOUNCING
Spitting Cobra Toy

Really spits!*
*venom not included

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Get Dirty! Volunteer Native Planters needed to help tend the gardens and landscaping at the Schuylkill Center. Tools provided (or byo). Thursdays (10am – 12pm). Walk-ins welcome, register for weather updates! Schuylkillcenter.org

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If your vote didn’t matter so much, they wouldn’t try so hard to take it away.  – Common (b. 1972).

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Women of a certain age – during menopause, is it normal to have crippling pain with every (now 4mthly) period? And now that the men have scrolled past, the world domination meeting is still on! We meet at eakins oval at 6pm sharp. Wear flat shoes!  ~ Deb and the gals

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O Sole Mio! Who will join me on a sunset Schuylkill paddle? We can use my double from the East Falls landing or do the Park Conservancy’s kayak tour on June 26th (a Wednesday). It goes around Fairmount Water Works, doesn’t that sound fun? 7pm from Walnut St Dock. Should we picnic first?   @HiddenRiverOutfitters

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🍓🍓🍓The Presbyterian Strawberry Fest is a favorite neighborhood musical theater cabaret FRI JUN 7 (7PM) 🎶🎶🎶 3800 Vaux (East Falls) *FREE*

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Way out at the Bristol Amish market, you had the biggest pretzel I’ve ever seen. Seemed like you wanted to talk to me, when we crossed paths later near the bakery. I don’t know why I made that joke about carbs, and touched a nerve. Sorry, can we start over? I’m Alan, Cheryl’s friend from Chestnut Hill. PS You’re not nearly as doughy as I suggested!

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Congratulations, America. For the first time in history, anyone can simply post “He’s an idiot” and 90% of the world will know who we’re talking about. #34-4-45

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Trying to find my long-lost husband. May 13 around 5:30 I seen a man on 95 north getting off the academy exit. He kept smiling and waving at me right when we got off the exit. He put his phone out the window and tired to get my number. I thought he was going to pull over but didn’t and I had to turn left onto Holme Avenue. Boyyy where are you??! I was in an Audi A4 and was wearing sunglasses with my baby blue tank top of course. — Frankford

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I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part. #dadjokes

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Red Alert! I was having the most delicious popcorn at a charming local venue, when you came to say my hot buttery scent was alluring. Not my outfit nor the hair and makeup I fussed over for an hour before. But as our hands brushed against each other, sharing my bag of fluffy kernels, the electricity between us was impossible to ignore. Why, it sent me into a panic attack! Which I am having right now as I send this, because I like you but dating really freaks me out.  ~ Frannie at the Fallser

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I’m not usually religious, but one time I was on a plane that was going through some really frightening turbulence. So I immediately began taking rights away from gay people and women.  #godbless

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Into the Wild! The Schuylkill Center is almost 400 acres of nature preserve with some of the loveliest trails in the city – and free guided hikes every other Saturday (JUN 8 & 22). 11am to 12pm | 8480 Hagy’s Mill Rd.

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A hangover is the wrath of grapes. ~ Dorothy Parker (1893 – 1967) #droll

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Strawberry Mansion* is something special. Come see for yourself Sunday June 23rd for a guided walk around this historic neighborhood through streets of colonial architecture, grand 19th century townhomes, and more than a dozen key Philadelphia landmarks on a 2.5 mile flat route. Meet 10am at Boxers Trail Gateway; $20 pp @myphillypark  *No relation to the Presbyterian Strawberry Fest.

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Siri kept calling me Shirley this morning and I was so annoyed until I realized I had left my phone in Airplane mode.  #dadjokes

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Trust me, I am a professional communicator. I’ve taken the liberty of preparing some starter questions for our first conversation, it’ll be fun: 1. On a scale of 1 to 10, rate your favorite number. 2. What famous person – living or dead — would you most like to eat for dinner? 3. How important is truth in science fiction? 4. Where’s the line when it comes to snooping in a partner’s business? ~ Randy J., PhD

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AI, Aliens, and Robots oh my… Thurs evening Technical.ly Conference  (5/9). Brought together after two dude bros started a fight. You were wearing a “LOVE” necklace. Great discussion of art, media, psychology, philosophy, and tech. What do you say, Spornak?  – Philadelphia

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There I was, backstage at the Meet & Creep. You blasted in with a petite Jeté as you dazzlingly switched from a startling coupé. I was dumbfounded. Everyone else was baffled. Perfect. I’ll trust you’ll know who this is. ~ Winkie Face

⚠️For the last time, people. The “abyss” is for staring into, the “void” is where you scream. Please stop screaming into the abyss, we are not insured for that! Signed, The Universe

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One thing I will never forget about you is the day the crickets got loose at Petco. And how we laughed cause the whole place was cheeping. If you didn’t know, I was loving you hard from afar. Still am. Oh well. It’s out there now. ~ Green-hat Gwen

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Those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Those who prevent history from being taught fully intend to repeat it. #resist

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We shared a table on a lovely May evening, for the first in-person rehearsal of The Vocal Locals community chorus. By the time you stood for your solo, I was enraptured. Wish I could’ve stayed for the Open Mic, thank you for inviting me. I admire your courage, your spunk, and the cut of your jib. Until we sing again!! ~ Tammy (Spring Arts) PS I’ll be summering in Branson.

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Pro Tip: Avoid being bothered by wasps at cookouts this summer by putting a blob of jam on a small child. #BadAuntie

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Attention Water Conservation Enthusiasts: adult volunteers needed for monthly mussel measuring and water testing in the Discovery Center’s reservoir. Help propagate freshwater filter feeders for cleaner water for all! Sat June 22 (10am – 12pm). 3401 Reservoir Dr.

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Not to shade religious people but it’s kinda chilling how some folks praise Abraham for being willing to kill Isaac to prove his devotion to God. Like idk about y’all but if god told me to kill my son I’d kinda be like Maybe this isn’t the god for me. #hardpass

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It Wasn’t Supposed to Crash. I doubt you’d ever look here but it was killing me when I saw the news, had to reach out. Old Chinese saying: if you sit by the river long enough, your enemy goes floating by. Even the blue can be right. – Your boy in Jenkintown

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Every time you get dressed, remember: if you die, that’s your ghost’s outfit forever. #scary

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Sunday night by the park in East Falls  – I walked by your house as you were taking out your trash, and you were like “Welcome to our home!” I guess like you expected me? I blurted out “Thanks for having me” and then we stared at each other awkwardly till some other guy showed up and you both ran inside. What was that all about? 👀👀👀  #Weird

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LOOK OUT, FALLSERS! The 39th Police District has reminded neighbors to lock their doors and windows, as a man has been identified in numerous surveillance videos breaking into several houses, at one point using a convenient ladder to enter an empty house and make himself two giant turkey sandwiches, only to flee when someone knocked on the door. View at @EastFallsLife NEVERMIND THEY CAUGHT HIM!

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Cigarettes, like feelings, cannot be changed. If you change them, you will no longer be able to smoke them.  ~ Your Uncle is High Again

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When you hate on someone, make fun of a stranger, or tear them down, what are you accomplishing? You’re making your friends laugh, and that’s the best feeling in the world. 🤣🤣🤣 ~ Mean Larry

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You had me going, Lawonde. Every time you texted it was like an immersive story unfolding in an absurdist, technicolor world. Sorry but I had to do something as my life was feeling so grayscale, by comparison. You’re delightful but too rich for daily consumption, my dear. ~ Geary

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There once was a man
From Cork, who got limericks
And haiku confused.
#dadjokes

Hey baby I’m your telephone man, you just show me where you want it and I’ll put it where I can. You can have it with a buzz, you can have it with a ring, and if you really want it you can have a ding-a-ling. ~ H.L. Lolly

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ℹ️ Popular Summer Items for Community Fridges: bottled water, juice and sports drinks, baby wipes, non-perishable meal kits, pre-made sandwiches (peanut butter & jelly, turkey and cheese, etc). See @GermantownFridge for handy guidelines and sharefoodprogram.org for locations all over the city.

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Broad Street Line, Broad + Olney. I was wearing Aritzia green cargoes, a green and white golf shirt, black and white Air Force 1s, Gucci crossbody and tortoiseshell glasses with just a hint of cat-eye. That’s it, I just look cute today, this a dope outfit. Bye. ~ Anonymous

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Popup Playgrounds in Parkside with the Carousel House Farm and Fairmount Park. Sat June 8 (1 – 6pm) Free Fest! Art music, dance, crafts, vendors, more. @WestParkArtsFest

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Just because you think Alfred is too old to take care of the Batcave, you don’t replace him with the Joker. – Jimmy Kimmel (b. 1967)

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If your husband ever annoys you or you just want him out of the house, pour a little oil under his truck. It’ll keep him busy for hours as he tries to figure out where the leak is coming from. @OldWifeTips

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True story: boobytrap spelled backwards is partyboob! Also, why am I the only naked person at this gender reveal party? #dadjokes

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Can U Canoe? Discovery Center hosts FREE paddler tours of the plants and wildlife that live in its 100-year-old decommissioned City water reservoir. No exp needed, everything is provided including binoculars. Bring a buddy, age 8+. Sat June 8 (10am – 4pm) + Weds June 14 (6 – 8:30PM)  @discoveryphila

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Felt like our energy was connecting back there at the Farmers Market, as we chatted in line for the last of Nathan’s exceptional sausages. I let you have the last sweet Italian, if you promised to call me sometime.  ~ Still Waiting

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Wake Up! Of Americans polled about the Civil Rights movement in 1964: 63% said they “push too fast,” 58% said they were “too violent,” and “hurt their own cause.” We must keep pushing on! No one is free unless we all are. 🫂🏳️‍🌈🍉✡️🖤🤎⚧️

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I hope to arrive to my death late, in love, and a little drunk. – Atticus

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There once was a time when all people believed in God and the Church ruled. This time was called the “Dark Ages.”  — Richard Lederer (b. 1938)

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Coiled up? COILED UP?! Like a snake?! Don’t you dare say I was coiled up on the couch! I’ll rattle you.  ~Sssssssssuzy

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👩‍🏫 FOR THE LADIES: If you’re alone in the woods and you encounter a bear, declare loudly, “I’m glad I met this bear instead of a man!” Then a bunch of men will appear from nowhere to explain why you’re wrong, distracting the bear and allowing for your escape. 🙄

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It’s not every day that you see a mugshot for a dating profile photo! Clearly “not guilty” – but certainly not innocent lol. I reached out through the app – haven’t heard back tho maybe there’s a bug or something. So here I am, hello! Hit me back! ~Koohlie  Can’t believe this paper prints anything you call in, this is wild!!

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We hope you have enjoyed this Month’s MISSED CONNECTIONS!

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About Karl Von Lichtenhollen 67 Articles
Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen is a doctor and fellow of the Applied Knowledges at Blödsinn Universität in Munich, Germany (1973). He was born and raised in the Nether Regions area of Holland, near Tainte, which he refers to fondly as a "Dutch Wonderland." Dr. Lichtenhollen once shared a houseboat in Amsterdam with the cast of a geriatric production of HAIR, inspiring his famous essay, "That Which I Cannot Unsee." He is a three-time recipient of the "Iron Feather" award. His hobbies include ascots, Highland wool sweaters and his pipe. He has a cat.

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