Missed Connections: APRIL 2024

APRIL is the month of Venus, the goddess of love and beauty, whose navel (legend has it) inspired the shape of tortellini pasta. It’s also International Guitar Month. 🎸 Big Dates in April: Rome was founded on the 21st in 753 BC.; Lee surrendered to Grant on the 9th in 1865; the Titanic sunk on the 15th in 1912. Alternate names for this month’s full moon (April 23rd): pink, egg, fish, and sprouting grass moon. Heads up (literally) for a near-total solar eclipse on Monday the 8th at 2:08pm. Saint George’s Day on the 23rd honors the patron saint of England, a Christian martyr known for slaying a dragon, who was born in Turkey (and never lived anywhere near Britain. Other national celebrations this April: Siblings day, 4/10,  Pet Day 4/11, Haiku Poetry Day 4/17, Cheddar Cheese Fries Day 4/20, Pretzel Day 4/26, and Adopt-A-Shelter-Pet Day 4/30.

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This is weird, my Ouija board just spelled “SPIRITS,” “READ,” “FUTURE,” “MESSAGE,” and then the planchette went to the numbers, a 4 and then a 14. Wouldn’t you know, that’s the exact date of the big tarot card festival at Mt Airy Art Garage – April 14!!! 3-7pm. Should I go? @starbeamtarot

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I was all day trying to get a photo of the sun and moon side by side. Could never get it. Is there some new computer camera or fancy equipment I need to use? People kept saying I need “eClips”. Is that like The Photo Shop?  #ChatGPThumor

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Anyone around who can work on a VCR? Normally I’d just toss it but I was cleaning out my late parents’ home and there’s an old tape stuck in the VCR in their bedroom. I need someone who can get it out in case there’s some old family video on it but also like scan through it first for me to make sure there’s nothing I can’t unsee. Serious quotes only please. ~ Jewel and the fam

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🙌💐💐💐 AMAZING BOUQUETS by Brandy at NouVaux Market, East Falls. Treat yourself or someone you love to a fanciful affordable day-brightener. Now accepting clean glass jars to recycle for vases (2”+, labelless). @NouVauxMarket

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Philly’s Most Unconventional Playground has seven slides from 4 to 30 feet tall. Giant Victorian birdcages for climbing! Log scrambles, rope ladders, picnic spots. PLUS! The continent’s first “mega swing set”! 🌟👀 Kick off a season of activities SAT 4/20 at Anna C Verna Playground at FDR Park. (9:30 – 11:30am). Award-winning children’s entertainment. Water ice & giveaways. All ages. FREE myphillypark.org

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A neurosis is a secret that you don’t know you’re keeping. – Kenneth Tynan (1927-1980), British writer & critic

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I met her at the H Mart, in an aisle piled high with bagged rice and noodles. As an old white man, I immediately caught her attention. I hope I wasn’t rude when she asked if I needed help, but my Korean is a little salty from my time in the service. Wish I’d had the chance to apologize, and say how she reminded me of a girl I used to know, the one who taught me to make bibimbap long, long ago.  ~ Furloughed, Then & Now

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A good mom lets you lick the beaters. A GREAT mom turns off the mixer first! #dadjokes

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Shot in the Dark: There once was a lovely Brunette who used to take the 27 bus most mornings at 9am from Manayunk & Pensdale Aves to Plymouth Meeting Mall. This was like 5 or 10 years ago? We used to chat all the time and so I came by the store she worked at with a smoothie for her and that was like the last time I saw her. If this is you and you’d like another chance, let me know what flavor smoothie it was! ~ Simon PS If this isn’t you but you’d like to meet a REAL nice guy, reach out with smoothie-worthy pics plz

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🎪🔮⚰️🤡🖤 Step right up for sights of monumental strangeness! The World Oddities Expo brings artists, vendors, performers, and fans of the macabre together for one special day of gothic indulgence. Tattoos, taxidermy, antique medical devices and mourning jewelry. Live burlesque and musical entertainment, plus weird workshops and merch for all your creepy friends. SAT APR 27 (12pm – 8pm) PA Convention Center $20 @WorldOdditiesExpo

Rough flight from NC to PHL  (3/23) — Flying in from Charlotte, late on a stormy night. Major turbulence! The plane was packed but we were the only ones screaming. I feel from the way we finished each other’s Boeing rants that we might have a deeper connection. Hope you see this! ~  T. Striker

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A cycle, unbroken. We go in circles, repeating the same outcomes, frustrated to find ourselves, once again, in familiar territory of our own design. What can ever truly sate an eternal soul trapped in mortal confines? Not a rhetorical question, I really want to know. ~ H. Thither  #nihilism

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The older I get, the more I see how women are described as having gone mad, when what they have actually become is knowledgeable and powerful and fucking furious.  – Sophie Heawood (b. 1983), journalist

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#ProTip: if you take a sabbatical from social media, don’t announce it. Just make your last post something like “I wonder if there’s a bear in this cave?” #dadjokes

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There was a big high wall there that tried to stop me. The sign was painted, said “Private Property.” But on the backside, it didn’t say nothing. This land was made for you and me. One bright sunny morning in the shadow of the steeple, by the relief office I saw my people. As they stood hungry, I stood there wondering if God blessed America for me.  —  Woody Guthrie, “This Land Is Your Land” (unpublished verse)

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I did not get the name of the hot, tatted moving guy who was working a job at 6th and Catharine today. But all I see when I close my eyes is his chiseled face, looking down on me from the back of a truck while I had an epic public meltdown over a parking ticket. If I piqued your interest, lmk what expletives I shouted most. ~ Brenda

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Instant Karma: out for a walk in the Wissahickon (late March), to find you and your midriff walking towards me on an upper trail. Hell yeah, I looked – and you returned fire! We must’ve held our stare 2 or 3 full seconds, and peeked back at each other before we dropped out of sight. Do you believe in Fate, too? There’s no way you won’t see this, please reach out when you do. ~ Sylvanna

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When you asked if I was ticklish, I was offended at first but then you explained how tickling is an art in many cultures, so I stopped you right there, “Is this some kinda pervo thing?” And you insisted not but of course it was. Thought you were kidding about ordering me Louboutins but damn if your driver didn’t just drop off a perfect pair with my doorman! Sorry, tho, I still can’t be your “tickle buddy”.  ~ Nurse Hannah

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If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. – Derek Bok (b. 1930), American lawyer and educator

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Jeepers! This Mud Island speakeasy’s gonna be the bee’s knees! Cocktails, hors d’oeuvres, live music, cigar lounge, sweeping Delaware River views. Cannons! Fundraiser for @FortMifflin. APR 27, 7pm. Free parking & mocktails for Designated Drivers. #Fancy

In order to write poetry that isn’t political, I must listen to the birds; and in order to listen to the birds, the warplanes must be silent. ~ Marwan Makhoul (b. 1979), Palestinian-Israeli poet

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We meet at Che’s Lounge, where we divide up all the drinks each according to their ability. It’s a level playing field. And thus our Red romance began. #marxistmixology

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Yo Cheech!!!! @CannaWorldFair is back and it’s calling, bruh! This year’s swag is sick!!!! And there’s a bull ride!! Bring your old phones and shit for recycling, too, I think you get food coupons or something. APR 27 – 28 PS they’ll let you in without your med card

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🖐️Hands up if you’re less concerned about who owns TikTok than who owns the Supreme Court? 🙋🙋‍♂️🙋‍♀️

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Oh I’ve got a big Dairy Heir that gets me anything I want! His grandfather made a mint in cheese, and I’m sitting pretty on the profits thanks to my big fat Dairy Heir who supports my cushy lifestyle. ~ Peaches  #buttpuns

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Arriving at a rather large, imposing East Falls building with lots of cars parked all around, you walked into thunderous applause like a fish cutting through the water: in your natural element. They cheered for you. You! YOU! I was ignored. You were the Star, and we were all just supposed to bask in your spotlight?! I have never felt more jealous in my life. What a waste, I wanted to yell, this power is lost on her! Sorry, Mom, I’m not playing along this time. ~ Tonya

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The goal’s caught fire again and burst into flames. No chance left, every player who got close just turned crazy and deranged. Maybe don’t ask again — just turn away. No more shots to score now: I play defense, guarding this pain I carry inside like a toxic bond I’m not strong enough to break. No hope left, just a lonely hollow, an over-fished lake. I miss him. ~ League of My Own

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I like my lovers like I like my beer and my weed: SWEET ‘n SKUNKY. I don’t mind a little fruitiness, either, truth be told. All the better if you’re into disc golf. ~ Mr. Sedgley

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Missing My Muse  — I haven’t met you yet, but I’m hoping you’re out there to inspire me, to help crystallize my thoughts, and usher forth a new surge in creative productive energy. In return, I will adore and uplift you for the Ages. Deal?  ~ Xanadu Thee Artist  PS experience preferred

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Heads up, guys, there are some real weirdos on this page. Last month someone posted a midnight meetup at Hermits Cave for a naked Satanic ritual and then they didn’t even show up. Wtf?!

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Birding Tour SAT 27 (8 – 10am) Delaware Valley Ornithological Club leads an interactive tour at The Discovery Center. All ages and birding abilities welcome. Binoculars available for loan. FREE @DVOC

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Bewitched at Le Bus – you’re so beautiful you could bring the Dead Sea to life, if only for a brief salty fleeting moment. #SurfsUp ~ You Know Who

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Hello? Who do I speak with about the typo in my ad? Well, one typo three times, you advertised my establishment “The Nastiest Diner in Germantown!” with the banner below saying: “Nasty Burgers!” and “Try Our Super Nasty Buffet!” You were off a letter – it was supposed to say TASTY, with a t. Now what am I supposed to do with all these freaks showing up? I’ll need a refund at least. ~ Mr. Joe

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🌎💚🌳Earth Day Fest & Picnic at Awbury Arboretum is a full day of fun in a natural environment: yoga, birding, AdventureWoods scavenger hunt, family fun at the Farm. With games, music, food, flowers, and great eco-surprises.  SAT 4-20 (9am – 4pm) FREE awbury.org

❤️🤍💙 75 years ago patriotic Americans went to France to throw out the fascists. This year, all we have to do is go to the polls. #democracy

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Humans think they are smarter than dolphins because we build cars and buildings and start wars etc., and all that dolphins do is swim in the water, eat fish and play around. Dolphins believe that they are smarter for exactly the same reasons. -Douglas Adams (1952-2001) The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy 🚀 #Don’t Panic

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“Marie, my dear, every day you are looking more radiant!” ~ Pierre Curie (Paris, 1903) #dadjokes

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🧟April is the Ghoul-est Month! APR 25 – 28. Why not join your creepy comrades for a fiendish festival of all things Halloween? Vendors, costumes, competitions, haunted house tours. Learn how YOU can scare people for a living!  @EastCoastHauntersConvention

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Fun snack ideas for the solar eclipse Monday 4/8: Sun Chips, Milky Way bars, Moon pies, Starburst, Capri Suns. And Eclipse gum, naturally.  ~ Falls of Schuylkill Library watch party planners

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Randy, I heard from Scooter that the dinosaurs are back, and there’s a whole herd of them coming to town, ripe for the rustling! Just one weekend: 4/19 – 21. Show shuts down at 8, let’s meet at 10, grab ‘em while they’re sleeping. Bring your stun gun and the biggest rope you got.  @JurassicQuest PS do you know what “animatronic” means?

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Lady in PINK fuzzy tracksuit, PATCO 3/23 (South 12th & Locust) – I tried to get your attention the whole ride to Collingswood, but never did but I see you around so I’ll put it out here: when you’re drunk you sing along to your headphones REALLY LOUD and also you sound just awful, like cats yeowling. 🙀🙀🙀 Sorry.

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Lost phone in the Northeast — I hope you still read these. I lost my cell while we were exploring a new area of the creek on Friday evening. I might’ve left it on the park bench. I know we were making some great plans, I just don’t know how to get in touch w/ you when my phone has all your info in it. Please email me, since I can’t answer by text or phone. Unless you think this is a sign? 😉🙃 All good, either way.  ~ Serendipitously Yours

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Orchids have been revered as throughout human history, from ancient China to the Incan civilization, with one pervading similarity: all cultures seem to agree that orchids are very sexy flowers. Indeed, the word “orchid” is derived from the Greek word for “testicle.” 😲 See for yourself at the SE PA Orchid Society’s springtime show & sale FRI/SAT/SUN 4/5 – 4/7 Gr Phila Expo Center @sepos

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So this lady rented a studio in my building and filled it with all this paper mâché art made with $50 bills that she sells for under $20. All of them look like butts and are titled “The Face of a Cheater.” Says makes them with her alimony checks! #OnlyInPhilly

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In some circumstances, the refusal to be defeated is a refusal to be educated. – Margaret Halsey (1910-1997) American writer

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❤️🖤💚 7th Annual Melanin Market + Festival: Showcasing BIPOC biz owners with culture, art, hair, fashion & entrepreneurship. Tix $15 – $25 @TheMelaninMarket SAT APR 13 (10am – 8pm), PA Convention Center 🙌🏾💃🏿✨

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For Kat: My life changed forever on the St. Paddy’s Bar Crawl – at Tradesman’s, specifically, when I stumbled upon the most drop-dead gorgeous, curly-headed lass in Center City. An absolute rocket! I meant every word, here’s my official request for your hand in marriage, now what do you say, love?  ~ Will She or Won’t She?

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What the Duck?? I stopped at the Tasker Morris station to reload my keycard 3/20 before I went to work. On my way out I walked past an old bird with the same exact Sang Kee hoodie on as me. I never seen anyone with this hoodie, I got it during the pandemic. You’ve beaked my interest. I need to know more. ~ Fowl Playa

We hope you have enjoyed this Month’s MISSED CONNECTIONS!

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About Karl Von Lichtenhollen 65 Articles
Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen is a doctor and fellow of the Applied Knowledges at Blödsinn Universität in Munich, Germany (1973). He was born and raised in the Nether Regions area of Holland, near Tainte, which he refers to fondly as a "Dutch Wonderland." Dr. Lichtenhollen once shared a houseboat in Amsterdam with the cast of a geriatric production of HAIR, inspiring his famous essay, "That Which I Cannot Unsee." He is a three-time recipient of the "Iron Feather" award. His hobbies include ascots, Highland wool sweaters and his pipe. He has a cat.

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