Missed Connections: MARCH 2024

MARCH is a month of conflict and vulnerability. Its namesake, Mars, was a god of war but he was also guardian of agriculture, embodying mass destruction but also the frailty of new life. ⚡🌱People born in March are said to have a natural affinity with the weather (and are often as unpredictable). In many coastal cultures, March’s violent winds were feared as malevolent spirits 🌬️👿👺 and even experienced captains wouldn’t risk the seas. 💀🌊🌊🌊 Leprechauns are another supernatural threat in March, seeking to pinch anyone not dressed in green on St. Patrick’s Day. ☘️👀🤏 And according to European folklore, vampires and witches grow more powerful on the vernal equinox 🧛‍♂️🧙‍♀️💪 which occurs this year on Tuesday March 19 at 11:06 PM. 🙌☀️🌎 Beware!

For such a moody month, March has a real fun side. 🥳💃🎉 Dhulandi is an Indian holiday where entire villages spend the day throwing colored powder on each other to celebrate new life.🌈💐✨ In Valencia, Spain, a spectacular celebration known as Las Fallas fills the town with whimsical paper mâché figures from the 15th to the 19th, after which they’re all burnt in joyous bonfires welcoming spring. 🔥🔥🔥

Other noteworthy dates: Julius Caesar was assassinated (3/15/44 BC), Fukushima nuclear disaster (3/11/2011), Exxon Valdez oil spill (3/24/89), NYC Triangle Shirtwaist factory fire (3/24/1911), and the start of the COVID pandemic (3/23/20). Also the holidays 🥧Pi Day (14th), 💦World Water Day March (22nd) and 🐶National Puppy Day (23rd).

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Someone once told me, “Phil,” they said, “Don’t be like your dad, an old man chasing young girls who don’t love him, but his money. Like your mom, rest her soul.” But the world is sexy! Especially supermarkets, with their mountains of succulent, globular produce. And anyway, they’re all dead now, who would shame me? And you are so beautiful. What do you think? I’m 59 years young! #SpringBreak2024

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Miss Snuffleupagus, there’s no getting around it: your fake eyelashes are absurd and a terrible distraction whenever we attempt intimacy. Blink, blink, blink is all I feel, I’m sure you’re generating wind with those things. Jesus. ~ Guy Not-So Smiley

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🎉🎉🎉 Congratulations, Andre Saunders! We’re proud of our South Philly rhyme spitter turned Mt Airy sensation and resident poet with “Writers Matter” program through LaSalle. March 14 he’ll have an official showcase at SXSW in Austin, TX with DJ Will Nasty! Stay tuned for good things in 2024. ❤️🎶🎤✊🏾 @ANDRES_1220

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🌳🤸🛝 The Friends of Fernhill Park are planning a Children’s Village this year: a series of tiny structures that promote literacy, imagination, spatial skills, and connection to nature. We would love to dream and design alongside neighbors. The Friends and the design team, Future Together, are hosting a hands-on visioning workshop for kids and adults at Wissahickon Charter on Saturday, March 9th, at 1:30pm. Hope to see you there! Creative juices will be fueled by pizza! 🍕😋🌈💡  Please reach out with any questions and stay tuned for updates.  @Wisscharter

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Snow fall + hot rum + warm fire = idle wishes + painful memories. You’re gone now and yet always with me. I need to move on. Maybe it’ll help to see these words in print, and then burn the page in a springtime ritual? That feels right. Finally. ~ Persephone

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UBar, Saturday night, you were at a table with 2 friends. We smiled, nodded. You asked to buy me a drink, but I had JUST sat down with a full pint which I tried to tell you but instead you got the idea I was rejecting you. For the record  “double fisting” doesn’t mean what you think it does. ~ Ryder K.

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🚨Blasphemy Alert! This is not a drill! A store called “Minor Details” in Manayunk is selling what look like devotional candles but instead they are TAYLOR SWIFT! And she is made out to look like the Blessed Mother. This is DISGUSTING! If you don’t see how wrong this is, our country is in worse shape than I thought. Praying for you all. ~ Marjorie in Roxborough

People aim to be a millionaire or billionaire. I’m simply shooting for extraordinairetm — and you can quote me on that! (But if you do, I will require a small royalty fee). ~ Neil #IGotAMillionOfEm

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8th + Lombard, 10:30AM, TUESDAY. You: grown woman walking some kind of super-groomed terrier in a yellow raincoat and galoshes. Me: tour guide for international investors who asked me to explain what they were seeing. Anyway, that’s what all the pointing and laughing was about. ~ Rick,  @VIP-PHL

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Putting a baby in a freezer would kill it, but freezing embryos keeps them alive. That’s why an embryo isn’t a baby. I hope that helps. PS Plot twist! Frozen embryos are non-binary!

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You get a strange feeling when you leave a place, like you’ll not only miss the people you love, but you miss the person you are at this time and place because you’ll never be this way again. ~ Azar Nafasi (b. 1948), Iranian-American writer and scholar

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MEN: In the age of #MeToo I have to be so careful about how I talk to women.
WOMEN: We have been carrying our keys laced through our fingers like Wolverine’s claws since we were ten but please, go on.

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Meg / Buffy / Germanophone  (Chinatown) We talked about your unmatched Buffy fandom. My brain was scrambled from work chaos and I wish I’d asked: Should we maybe watch your favorite Buffy episode together sometime? Or have a chat in der deutschen Sprache? (I know a little German, myself🤣) Bottom line: you seem sweet and I’d like to get to know a woman with a good heart. Maybe you’ll see this? 🤷‍♂️ ~ Naz4ATu

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Doodling in your notebook at the end of a random South Philly bar: a feather, a spider, some swirly black hearts. I said if you added a skull it would make a good tattoo, and you were like “Yeah, I’ll draw yours when you’re dead.” Sheesh!  ~ Gary PS is it true what they say about psycho chicks?

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This is for Devon – I think that’s his name – the nice guy who took the heat for me when my fart cleared Fallser Club’s entire bar area at the Jaffna show the other Friday. You didn’t have to do that, but I’m really glad you did. ~ IBS Betty 

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Looking for Jessica from Skip The Small Talk (30th Street, near Chestnut) Hey it’s Andrew with the bald head and goatee, burgundy hoodie. We met at STST on Saturday, February 10th at The Post. We talked about Nerds gummy clusters (my favorite), my mom, and Fantasy coloring books. You’re way out of my league but I realized when you suddenly wanted to know “Seriously, how is this my life?!” that I might actually have a chance. 🤞🤞🤞 Hoping to hear from you!  ~ Mr. Right Now

GENIUS THOUGHT: Abandoned malls should be turned into Gen X retirement homes. Three stories tall with a food court, movie theater, arcade, Orange Julius, skate park, and a Glamour Shots just for the hell of it. #provemewrong

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Prudence, I first noticed you churning butter in Chadds Ford. Up, down, hither and thither. Smoothing it about. Your style and grace were singular. I could not resist asking your father for permission to engage in soap-making with you. The fat and ash, mess and squares. Clean as whistles, were we. Upright and standing. Affectionately, Credence

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Dog Daddy at Haverford Reserve: we met on a Sunday at the dog park – you said you always go on Sundays mornings – so we made plans to meet up again to talk more on the walking trails, where it’s more private. That was January, where ya been? That secret crypto deal is still hot, but the door’s closing. Call me! ~ Fatima

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Do you care about clean drinking water? Phila Water Dept wants YOU to learn more (and share your views) at a series of “Community Listening meetings” about the city’s billion-dollar upgrades planned for the next 25 years. Both virtual and in-person opportunities: March 5, 9, 19, 20, April 8, 9 & 11. Learn more at water.phila.gov #

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Problem: you want to go antiquing but you don’t want to drive too far or walk from store to store. Solution: come out to Philly Expo Center 3/16 + 17 for 65+ dealers under one roof and free parking.. @antiquesatkimberton

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The fact that some people can’t tell the difference between etymology and entomology bugs me in ways I can’t put into words.  #DadJokes

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Hey Neighbors! I am a local Massage Therapist/Energy practitioner in East Falls. I’m excited to meet some new faces and help this community grow and feel great! Please check out my services: purpledovewellness.com. At home in my studio or I can come to you. Reach out with any questions or even just to say hi! 🙂 Have a great day everyone! Stay Well! ~ Linda Williams

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I have known a vast quantity of nonsense talked about bad men not looking you in the face. Don’t trust that conventional idea. Dishonesty will stare honesty out of countenance, any day in the week, if there is anything to be got by it. -Charles Dickens, author  (1812-1870)

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The weirdest thing I saw at the Philly Pet Expo was an emu named Roger who played the upright bass with his pointy feet. Jan and I thought he was incredibly talented but since he played experimental jazz it was impossible to know for sure. Definitely worth the $13 bucks! Friday – Sunday 3/8, 9, 10. Free parking at the Expo Center in Oaks. @familypetshows

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PARENTING TIP: Easter and April Fools’ fall on the same day this year so tell the kids to search for eggs you didn’t hide!  #keeplooking

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Premise for my new Netflix prank show: Women agreeing to meet up with the guys that send them unsolicited dick pics, but when the guys arrives, it’s actually their mother waiting for them. 🤣 #babythatsnasty

Smart men don’t tell you how smart they are. Rich men don’t tell you how rich they are. Tough men don’t tell you how tough they are. Honest men don’t tell you how honest they are. Those that do, are con men.  #WiseUp

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Curvy Brunette at Barnes & Noble (Chestnut St). I hate to guess a lady’s name but I’d say… 40? We practically bumped heads looking for the same author, Ester Perel, which got me a “Good for you!” and such a warm smile I instantly pictured us on our first date, talking books over coffee. When I came back to reality, though, you were gone. If you see this, tell me what color my cardigan was & I’ll know it’s you!  ~ Stu

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❓TRUMP WATCHERS: Which event is Trump more likely to show up to sell something shiny and gold: The Philly Boat Show (3/15, 16 + 17) or the Mid-Atlantic Custom Car, Truck & Bike Show (3/23 +24)? They’re both coming to Philly Expo Center, where he launched his famous sneakers. Will it be life preservers or fuzzy dice? 🤔🤔🤔 #whynotboth

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🌮OPEN🌮
Cresta open for full service tomorrow:
4pm-11pm kitchen Tues-Fri,
11am-11pm Sat & Sun, bar till 2am.

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This is for Amber at the Ambassador Bar – it’s Simon, we met on Instagram. You should know that wasn’t me the other night, but my alter-ego “Vinny Vega$” who is an irresistible but unfeeling lout! The real me, Simon, is so anxiety-ridden that I can only be myself in text. I regret to inform you that Vinny was toying with your heart, from the first round of Palomas to the night’s last serenade at Yakitori Boy. Have fun I guess but when you’re ready for an honest relationship, I’ll be right here hiding behind my keyboard, like a real man. #Someone4Everyone

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Alani, will we ever meet again? Ask, and I would turn the city into a clementine, small enough to find you inside. ~ Tangerine Dreamin’  

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Credence, What I remember most was the most intense shucking I have ever beheld, a near frenzy behind the barn, with so many of us eager to harvest the season’s first crop of corn. Your hands were so strong and nimble, it was like you were born to husk. Excitedly,  Prudence

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You know those shoeboxes of baseball cards you used to keep under your bed? Imagine what they’d be worth if you’d held onto them! Find out at the Delaware Valley’s oldest sports memorabilia show, at the Expo center March 8, 9 + 10. Hundreds of booths, endless chances to regret stuff you threw out decades ago!  @thephillyshow

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Activism is the rent I pay for living on the planet. -Alice Walker, author (b. 9 Feb 1944)

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Would you know if you were dreaming right now? Check the time on a clock or watch, then look at something else, then check your watch again. If you are dreaming, the time will jump randomly whenever you check it. Also: monsters! #themoreyouknow

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At First you scared the Living Daylights out of me. I did not even know that there were Daylights Living in me at the time. Thanks for enlightening me about them and efficiently extracting them. You were clothed in snow. A true snowman. Emerging with a jolt. I found it shocking. Later, I guess I warmed up to you. Ok, ok, ok, you melted my heart. SHUT UP!! ~See you tonight

We hope you have enjoyed this Month’s MISSED CONNECTIONS!

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About Karl Von Lichtenhollen 68 Articles
Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen is a doctor and fellow of the Applied Knowledges at Blödsinn Universität in Munich, Germany (1973). He was born and raised in the Nether Regions area of Holland, near Tainte, which he refers to fondly as a "Dutch Wonderland." Dr. Lichtenhollen once shared a houseboat in Amsterdam with the cast of a geriatric production of HAIR, inspiring his famous essay, "That Which I Cannot Unsee." He is a three-time recipient of the "Iron Feather" award. His hobbies include ascots, Highland wool sweaters and his pipe. He has a cat.

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