Missed Connections: FEBRUARY 2024

FEBRUARY is an oddball of a month – not only does it come up short, but sometimes it throws an extra day in for us to remember. But that’s nothing! In ancient Rome, February 13 – 15 was a time for the purification festival of “Lupercalia,” when special priests would anoint each other with sacrificial goat and dog blood, and then scrub it off with milk-soaked wool while everyone had a good cleansing belly laugh. 🐕🐐🗡️🩸😬

After this, the goat’s hide would be cut into strips and bundled to make a whipping instrument known as a “februa” (get it?). Each priest would make one, then they’d all go running through the streets naked, whipping each other and random townspeople as they went. In some villages, there’d be a jar full of tokens and men would draw names to match up with eligible women, who’d be their dates for the festival. 🏺🎟️💕

🤍💙 In Finland, February is known as “Helmikuu” which means “Month of Pearl” (calling to mind a world blanketed in glistening white snow). ❄️❄️❄️ In the US, it’s Library Lovers Month, National Bird Feeding Month, and February 16th is “Chocolate-Covered Anything Day.”

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You:  hypnotic woman with impossibly long black hair at the Target on City Line Ave, in the aisle with the bath towels. I couldn’t take my eyes off you – literally. A force or something overcame me, I was stuck in place as you did this spooky dance and removed a $20 from my wallet. Wtf? Why me? So many questions. ~ Sam

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❤️🥾Valentine’s Hike & Meditation SUN FEB 11 (10am – 12:30pm). Rekindle your love of nature along hilly Fairmount trails in the heart of winter! $15 via ticketleap. Indego bike station at Parkside & Belmont just ½ mile from start.

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I was just gifted the worst thesaurus I’ve ever seen. It’s not just terrible, it’s terrible. #DadJokes

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Craig at Dave & Busters: we talked last summer about renting my ex stepmom’s beach house together, and I’ve left a ton of texts and stuff. Are you in or out? Last chance, buddy, it’s gonna be sick in Ocean City this year!  ~ T-Bone PS you still owe me a white claw j/k

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Looking for Darrell Powell – I played football with him on the Rose Tree Colts. Our family was good friends with his parents, too. It’s been years I’ve been looking, but I won’t give up. Any help is appreciated, god bless. ~ B. Bell

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Guys help! Apparently there are microscopic tadpoles living in our crotches? Is anyone else mortified by this? I’ve been pumping as many of these awful things out of my body as I can, all BY HAND – it’s tedious work! Seems like they come rushing back by the millions the next day. I’m exhausted! How much longer before I’m finally rid of them? Advice, please! ~ Carter

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69th Street line, you’re a hippie at heart in a Wawa uniform, telling your friend some crazy-ass story about getting arrested (?!) and you made it hilarious. Just wanted to send this out, that I admire your energy and think you’d be a cool friend or more (you are very pretty). Hope you see this! ~ Jace

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Human kindness has never weakened the stamina or softened the fiber of a free people. A nation does not have to be cruel to be tough. – Franklin D. Roosevelt (1882-1945)

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This was going to be for the attractive woman who smiled at me Sunday morning in the produce section of Wegman’s (KoP), but if I’m really being honest that probably wasn’t a smile and I’m probably going overboard again over nothing. Forget I mentioned it. ~ Keith

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Dollar Tree Lady – We been playing this game awhile, but I actually wanted to talk to you today (7:30 pm) but the line was so busy! I would like to reveal who I am, please let me know when you are ready! ~ Man of Mystery (Greg)

THIS ONE TIME AT BAND CAMP the trombones tried making a hammock out of duct tape and then our director sat on it and the whole thing collapsed and he broke his wrist. Also I put a flute up my thing. 😹 ~ Dana V.

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Winter Hike & Healing Sound Bath at Lemon Hill Mansion, SAT FEB 17 (9:30 – 11am). With Eunmi Chang, pay what you wish. Myphillypark.org

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Nikki Haley was born Nimarata Randhawa. Her married name is Haley and her middle name is Nikki, not her first name. But just because she IDENTIFIES as Nikki doesn’t mean we need to respect that. I think she should need to put “Nimarata”, not Nikki, on the ballot because that’s what it says on her birth certificate. Isn’t that what she requires of other people? Why should we give her the respect that she won’t give to others? 🤔 #DoBetter

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Attention “Foodie” influencers! Get in now on the next new gourmet trend: #Poopies  — for those of us who appreciate the natural culmination of the elaborate meals we consume on social media. Tag @ToiletTanner with your best shots, I’ll share my favorites in a weekly segment with 57 followers and counting!!  #Fudge

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Let’s Get Weird! Join the Park Conservancy for a 3-mile guided exploration of West Fairmount’s most fascinating relics and ruins. SAT MAR 2, 9am from Belmont Plateau’s parking lot. $15 via ticketleap

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To the server at Twisted Tail who waited on our table of old biddies making a ruckus for several hours on a Thursday evening: thank you for arranging for that nice boy from the kitchen to drive us all back to the train station. I called later about tipping him but apparently he doesn’t work there??? Woo, that was some whisky flight! ~ Linda  PS Can Peg have your number?

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Fox Street Shoprite, right before the snow. The lines! Couldn’t decide which cashier would be faster, the youngish grandma or the kid with green hair. Whoever it was, they found my cart full of Monster energy drink and toilet paper hilarious. If you see this, maybe work more on speed and less on laughing at customers? Just sayin’.  ~ Fran

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Fishtown: Desperately Seeking Angie M! I still dream of you, warm and loving in my arms. Missing you and thinking about us. Was it such a total loss? Anything I can do? Any chance you’re reading this dumb message? ~ Stanke J.

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Whole Foods Checkout (Art Museum) – you only had 2 items so I said “Beauty before age” and let you go next. You said “Thanks but I’m older than you think.” In my mind I’m guessing 50-something, but in my heart I’m feeling another missed connection. 💞 Since I failed to speak up then, I’m hoping you’ll see this now. I’m Anderson, btw.

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Bar-Ly Chinatown – Friday night 1/26, I wait on you in a booth with two others. Sake bombs. You say something under your breath. What was that? Oh nothing. Don’t be that way. The owner is strict, I could not get by with what you proposed. We can try again when I’m not working? Say yes. ~ Famous Waiter

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⚡Power concedes nothing without a demand. It never did and it never will. Find out just what any people will quietly submit to, and you have found out the exact amount of injustice and wrong which will be imposed upon them. -Frederick Douglass  (1817-1895)

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Alright – anyone know the guy/gal with the Charger who has made East Falls their practice course for the Formula One race that he/she is not getting invited to? Evening donut runs used to mean something else – entirely more fun and delicious.  ~ Shane D.

As seen on the Schuylkill River Trail (Norristown)

To the pretty gal in the shiny new Jaguar riding alongside a silver Ford truck in the Home Depot parking lot one Saturday afternoon: you can’t just a horse by its cover. Yee ha!  ~ Marlboro Mike

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Socialism is the fire department saving your house. Capitalism is the insurance company denying your claim. ~ American Proverb

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Just for Kicks – why not meet me at Sneaker Con, Dave? It’s ONLY the greatest athletic shoe show on earth! So what if I already have a million pairs, what’s a few more? We’re gonna be in town anyway on the 17th. Two words: suede Adidas! Sneakercon.com

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I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.  #DadJokes

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I saw couple, walking their dog and the lady had a bad ass Keith Haring shirt yesterday near Shoprite and I could tell she was new to the neighborhood at least I think 🤔 (assuming anyone that loves Keith  is a friend of mine! ) I recognized in that moment that some of the cool kids are moving into the upper Rox neighborhood 🏡 and feeling like chchchchanges… Bowie! I look forward to more and more progressive and cultural aware people to 19128 🏡 – Sara R

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This is for the guy who sits at the Maplewood bus shelter all day “reading” a newspaper with two eye holes cut out so you can watch every damn body on the street. You’re not slick, we see you! 👀 ~ Ms Muhammad PS that paper must be two years old now 🤣

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Who hikes on New Years Day? I assumed Tinicum’s trails would be dead but there you were in the parking lot early that Monday morning, my first “Happy New Year” of 2024. We bumped into each other again on the big loop path, and greeted each other like old friends. How’s your year going? It’s Calvin, please reach out if you see this.

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Hey Twinsie! Yes, you – in the Lanvin Lab x  FUTURE jumpsuit in the restroom at one of the hotels, I was there for Nancy’s daughter’s baby shower (right?). Love your style, girlie, but if you cop mine again I will cut you. Ask Nancy. ~ Rita

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To the hot blonde who walks her husky around Roxborough: I saw you shoveling your sidewalk after the last snowfall, and it made me sad because that used to be my sidewalk to shovel. One of the things I miss most is taking care of you. It hurts to be so shunned now, but I respect your decision. I’m trying to adjust but it’s not going very well, is it? ~ Tommy

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Buyer’s Remorse – Holiday Edition: I dropped everything to save your ass this Christmas, why? When I think of all the money you got me to spend so your boys could have a tree and gifts to open under it! 🤬🤬🤬 Your own family don’t help you, I know why now! It’s in karma’s hands now, bitch. ~ Teddy

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GREENHOUSE YOGA at Fairmount Horticultural Center. SUN FEB 24, sessions at 10 and 11:15 am. All-levels, lush surroundings. Tix start $10 myphillypark.org

⭐⛳ The best part about the Golf show is how your $12 admission comes with a FREE subscription to Golf Magazine (a $9.95 value!). I can’t tell if that’s a perk or a punishment. 🙄 FEB 2, 3, 4 at Oaks Expo Center. @phillygolfandtravelshow

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Ready For Action! You’ll know when I pop the collar on my light blue oxford shirt. You’ll see it in how my khakis are a little cleaner than usual, without the elastic waist. If I’m wearing my bomber jacket – look out! And take my hand if you know what’s good for ya.  ~ Andy

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Bethany, it’s Mark. I just want to say my skin there is naturally shiny, is all. It might look moist but really it’s just super smooth like snake skin. Not sweaty at all. Nothing to be nervous about. #3rdbase

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Half the truth is often a great lie. — Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)

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Pam at Walgreens on Broad: I was KIDDING when I said the best part about dating a pharmacy tech has gotta be the free meds! Now Roger waits on me while you hide in back. Overreact much? Did I strike a nerve? ~ Tony

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Join Our Original Pop-Punk Group! Dynamic, passionate drummer and guitarist seek a creative soprano-range vocalist and a bass player to complete our band. We have catchy songs and original artwork ready to go! Come make high-energy, pop-infused music with us. – Lucky You (our band name)

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YO, DARRIN! The big fish tank is back! We’re gonna catch us a whopper with Eric’s smart rod! Then just you watch the money come pouring in, all those old anglers are gonna line up to invest in ai angling. Can you get out to Oaks Expo Center? Which day works for you: FEB 16, 17 or 18? @phillyfishingshow

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I once bought shoes off a drug dealer – I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day. #DadJokes

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Come out to the Tree House this month for great winter activities. 7 & 14: Birding Wednesdays; 15 & 22: Maple Sugaring.  @WissahickonEC

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To the cougar prowling a light-night UFC fight in a random PHL airport hotel lounge. You invited me back to the Eagle Towers apartments, but at the time I was taken, which is no longer the case. If you still have my number, it’d be great to pick up where we left off. ~ Kenny from Ardmore

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Hey did you recently drop your laptop off at a local computer repair shop? Do you drive an orange sedan with a Bulbasaur plushie on the dashboard? I’m the dude who removed that software your boyfriend was using to spy on you. I’m thinking I probably should’ve taken your name or number or something so we could follow up on you and make sure you’re OK. Whoops, sorry. ~ Doug

With spring cleaning right around the corner, what better inspo than a weekend of fresh looks in home & yard décor? The Philly Home + Garden Show is like a low-rent flower show with more stuff to bring home (and free parking!). FEB 23-24, tix $10, use code “EXPO” for discounted rate. @phillyhomeandgarden

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Fine Wine & Spirits, Manayunk – mid-morning on a weekday, I’d been running errands, hadn’t even showered, just stopped to pick up a bottle of chard but then as I was leaving you looked over the cash register and said, “Have a beautiful day, Beautiful!” And then I started weeping for some reason and that old lady hugged me. Thanks, I’m glad we could have that moment. ~ Carlie

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When I was kid, there were two ways to die: natural causes and talking back to your parents. #GenXers

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👀 ALERT! Andorra Kohls, early evening. You looked like a giant lollipop: an enormous yellow puffer jacket atop spindly white leggings. What bothered me most though is your “Taco Tuesday” underwear showing through (it was Thursday). ~ Crystal   #FashionPolice

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Words with Seniors: who wants to text with a bored old retired guy with a gift for gab and a lot of time on his hands? I can go for hours! Especially lately when I’ve been so constipated. Call Bud! All welcome.

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Why if it isn’t Muscle Johnny! I heard you were back in town. Word at gym is you and Larry can still bench press each other. Great, but lemme know when you’re ready for squat thrusts. ~ W.E. Kling

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Click Click POW! It’s that time of year again for the stupid gun show where all you 2nd amendment nuts immerse yourselves in a weekend of firearm sales and paranoid conversations about how everyone’s trying to take your boom sticks away. FEB 9/10/11 Philly Expo Center @eagleshows #wellregulatedmilitia

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Yes, I am the Urban Barbarian! Step aside as I glide through town. Let caution abound! Beckon me in, and I’ll pimp your crib with my very presence. You’ll see. #GloryAxe

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If Taylor Swift triggers you, you definitely can’t handle a civil war. #SitDownCletus

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“I have the perfect segue for that story!” he said, and in a flash he was back riding a Segue he’d stolen from a mall cop expressly for the joke. That’s how I knew he was The One (also I got preggo). ~ Mrs Riley #highlife

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Leather jacket dude on Bus #17, rando rider never once seen. Your coat’s a joke, a fashion disaster. The whole damn ride, we held our laughter. Don’t put it on if you can’t pull it off, WORD!  ~ Glam Cruu    #FashionPolice

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Those who confuse “burro” with “burrow” don’t know their ass from a hole in the ground. #DadJokes

The answer is “stingrays

We hope you have enjoyed this Month’s MISSED CONNECTIONS!

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About Karl Von Lichtenhollen 66 Articles
Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen is a doctor and fellow of the Applied Knowledges at Blödsinn Universität in Munich, Germany (1973). He was born and raised in the Nether Regions area of Holland, near Tainte, which he refers to fondly as a "Dutch Wonderland." Dr. Lichtenhollen once shared a houseboat in Amsterdam with the cast of a geriatric production of HAIR, inspiring his famous essay, "That Which I Cannot Unsee." He is a three-time recipient of the "Iron Feather" award. His hobbies include ascots, Highland wool sweaters and his pipe. He has a cat.

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