Missed Connections: JANUARY 2024

JANUARY is like that friend who can’t decide between pizza and sushi. It’s named after Janus, the two-faced Roman god who’s all about looking back and forward simultaneously: the OG multitasker.

This month’s birthstone, too, does more than look pretty: the garnet is an energy-healer’s powerhouse for good vibes and positive action. January is a national month for Mental Wellness and also Hot Tea (seems like a logical connection to us). Fun Fact: some herbal tea blends are infused with garnets for emotional support and balance. 🍵💎☯️

In medieval times, the Holidays officially ended the first Monday after Epiphany (Jan 6), aka “Plow Monday” when farmers in clean white smocks would drag a plow through their village, singing songs about the upcoming planting season. The event would end with a big dinner for all their workers, including plenty of beef and ale for all. 🐄🍺😋

Women returned to work the day after Epiphany, called “Distaff Day” named for the wooden rod used for spinning flax/wool into thread (a tedious job back in the day). To celebrate, husbands would try to set fire to their wives’ distaffs, and then their wives would retaliate by throwing a bucket of water on them. 🧵🔥😲

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Does anyone know what’s up with the guy dressed like someone in a Dickens novel who is randomly filming things around town and calling everyone “Sire” in a fake English accent? He showed up at the post office today on Main Street and just kept saying “Please sire, I don’t mean to be a cockwomble!”  ~ Nina S.

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NYE at Manayunk Wine & Spirits: When I overheard you ask an employee to recommend a white wine for your menu, I had to chime in with my favorite Chardonnay. You both looked at me like I had three heads, though, sheesh, I was just trying to help. If you see this, feel free to apologize. (I’ll bring the wine.) ~ Kyrin

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Philly Vintage Flea: incredible finds and the best vibes on earth. Free parking, early-bird tix. One Day Only | SUN JAN 21 | 11AM – 5PM @phillyvintageflea

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You Know Who You Are: This is for the Germantown drivers who stop their cars in the middle of the street to drop off or pick up friends, no matter how many open parking spots are available, and how easy it would be to pull into any one of them. But noooooo. Somehow they know exactly how give us other drivers almost — but not quite — enough room to go around them. Maddening! Anyway, if this is you, I’m curious to know if consideration for others is ever a factor in your decisions. Let’s chat! ~ Eric C.

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2024: Something’s moving in, I hear the weather in the wind. Something’s set to start, there’s meadow-music in the dark. Shrouding clouds slowly, softly, start to part. @MattGoodfellow

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Top Canna Chef 2024: Who will win the East Coast title at the World Canna Fair this month? I forget who won last year, but remember sampling a ton of food and drinks. 300 vendors! It was a good time, not sure how I wound up there but I’m glad I went. Story of my life, ha! See you there? JAN 13 – 14 at Oaks  @cannaworldfair

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↗️👶Baby Names Trending in 2024: Luxury, Maeve, Aurelia, Isla, Eloise, Royal, Soren, Silas, Theodore, Felix 👀👀👀

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So Unfair! I never said we wouldn’t work, always joked we’d grow gray together. If you’d asked me to stay forever I wouldn’t have had to think. I wanted that with all my heart, for all eternity. Why did it have to go this way, NG? Why?  ~ Bobbie Unbound

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WTF?! In 2022, New York gave the Buffalo Bills $850 million in taxpayer funds for a new stadium, the biggest pro sports subsidy of all time. Earlier that year, NY announced a $800 million cut to children and family services. The Bills owner is worth $5.8 billion. You can’t make this shit up. 🤬 Way to go, capitalism.

I was listening to Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov’s “Dance of the Ecdysiast”, on vinyl. All the doors were closed. All the lights were out. All hope extinguished. Until your knock and that smile. Let’s celebrate tonight. And every night. ~ Mr. Skivies

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Ladies, we all have our breaking points. The last straw for me and Jeff, I think, was when he insisted on calling my Great Dane an “OK Dane.” I know he was joking but to me and Queenie it was disrespectful. 👑🐶

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Hmmm. I found a strange piece of plastic on the floor that looks like it broke off something but I have no idea what. Better save it in the junk drawer until I die.  ~ Me

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Oh Paul. In the deep recesses of memory, longing unfurls in raw tendrils, rooting like ivy, twisting, reaching for what was and what could have been. Let the clocks chime, let the great balls drop from skies the whole world over. I will never let go of these feelings. ~ Your Corie, Always

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The love of one’s country is a splendid thing. But why should love stop at the border? – Pablo Casals, cellist, conductor, composer (1876 -1973)

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EAST FALLS COMMUNITY YOGA: Beginner-friendly, pay what you can. Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays & Thursdays 6pm (free parking) @mishanayoga

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To whoever stuck the communist recruiting posters on the Calumet Bridge in East Falls: well done, comrade. Now we just have to wait for the Court’s presidential immunity declaration! 😎🤞

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Hey, Mr. IRS! It’s Iggie, from Rhawnhurst Café, we had a real nice chat at the bar. Forgive me for running off, I definitely had some sort of emergency unrelated to my personal tax history. Please forget what I said about my offshore trusts. See you around!

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🙌🐧🩷 JAN 20 is Penguin Awareness Day! Let’s take some time to be extra aware of our world’s most well-dressed waddlers. Buy a plushie for yourself or someone who loves penguins! savingpenguins.org

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Someone just honked to get me out of my parking spot faster so now I have to sit here until both of us are dead. #rules

Who was that pretty young woman crossing Germantown Ave around 9:30AM last week? A burst of sunshine on a gray, chilly Tuesday! Wish I could’ve read the look on your face as our eyes met once, twice, three times on our separate, parallel paths. I can’t stop thinking of you, can’t stop wondering: if you saw that cyclist coming, why didn’t you warn me? I’m still in the hospital!  ~ Bernie  PS My lawyer wants to speak with you, ok?

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I don’t know who needs to hear this but the Founders wrote the Constitution, not the Apostles. It’s a Bill of Rights, not the Ten Commandments. Freedom of Religion is the opposite of Control by Religion. America is a Democracy, not a Theocracy. Christianity is not a political party. #resist

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Hello, I’m Stu and I’m in my 50’s and no offense but I don’t think I will ever not care what a person’s gender is. I agree that it’s a limitation in my understanding but also I think it’s part of my programming so I’m just going to do my best not to hurt people. I can’t get too worked up over this, sorry. #LiveAndLetLive

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To the woman in the Steelers hat buying a vanity at Lowe’s (Roosevelt Blvd) the other day: I was just making a joke, I wasn’t suggesting you were vain. Lady, I don’t even know you. ~ Doug in power tools

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Q: What’s the difference between Atheists and Evangelicals? A: Atheists are honest about not following Jesus. @BettyBowers

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Personally, I find log homes rather stupid and tacky but if they’re your thing, a whole bunch of you freaks are gathering Saturday Jan 13/14/15 to trade rustic secrets and admire each other’s timber frames.   @LogHomeShows

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It may sound trite, but using the weapons of the enemy, no matter how good one’s intentions, makes one the enemy. – Charles de Lint, writer & folk musician (b. 1951)

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🍿🎉 JAN 19 is Nat’l Popcorn Day, break out the hot air popper and let the kernels blow! Sharing is caring, but not when it comes to the last handful. 😈

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Tyler this is your mom. You won’t answer my calls so consider yourself notified in writing that unless you contact me by January 4th, I’m selling all your old Xbox and Wii crap at the Expo that weekend. I told you, me and Carl are downsizing to a condo this year. @PhillyGamingExpo

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Has anyone seen Eddie? He tends to hang along the Pennypack River trail, but I’ve seen him on Forbidden Drive. Anyway Gene and them are looking for him, keep your eye out please. See if he’ll let you take a photo, we could use a recent pic, thanks. ~ Jelly Roll

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Just want to say The Pack walk has been so good for Sheba, it is helping her manage being with other pups.  She is now comfortable walking in the middle of the pack, and later in the week we had an incident in the park with a pup running over to her, she did not react.  All good, thank you to @NWPhillyPackWalk  ~ Sheba’s mom

Regrets? I’ve had a few. They hit me hard whenever I see a curly blonde head that looks for a split second like you. The other day in front of Ultimo, she even drove the same car as you. It hurts so much, missing you. I wish we could start over. ~ Young Blue Eyes

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The most potent weapon in the hands of the oppressor is the mind of the oppressed. – Steve Biko, anti-apartheid activist (18 Dec 1946-1977)

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Hello this is Jewelz and I’m looking for the leprechaun I picked up in New Hope over the holidays. He came off like a regular Irish guy but he gave himself away when he left me that pot of gold in my cupholder. Only it was more like a plastic bottle, filled precariously to the rim with…? Anyone care to guess? He said he’s from Dublin so watch out Uber/Lyfters.

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IF YOU CAN JAIL US YOU CAN HOUSE US.  #ReimaginingSafety

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This is for the Greenberg Toy Train people, who are back in town Jan 13 & 14 with another one of their shows with all the miniature railroading scenes, with all those super realistic scale models of major American cities. Two questions: do you rent Godzilla suits and what’s your policy on rampaging? Epstein’s Train Expo has a package deal (just sayin’). #rawr   Trainshow.com

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Unpopular Opinion: Some of y’all use honesty to be malicious then you complain people can’t handle the truth. It’s not that we can’t handle it, but the way you “tell it like it is” conveys arrogance and ill intent. ~ Miss Poppy

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The BFG matinee (Old City) Our eyes exchanged many meaningful glances; obviously we couldn’t converse. Something instinctual was going on, no doubt about it. ~ Tomas

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God’s first therapy appointment: “I once made a whole new planet and populated it with little versions of me, but they were naughty so I drowned most of them. Later I magically impregnated one of them to make a baby but I killed him so the others would love me.” 🫨

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I’m trying to spread the rumor that this is actually the Deep State’s evil plan, to get the Supreme Court to declare complete presidential authority for Trump, and then Biden will declare it for himself and then boom! We’re no longer a democracy, just like the Deep State wants. 😎 Don’t be fooled, MAGAts!

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So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside, throwing rocks at each other. Smoking. Lighting small fires. Stealing car hood ornaments. Shoplifting. Trying drugs…. One time I drank gasoline on a dare!  #GenXConfessions

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Last year is done – gone! / It flies away like the dust / From a beaten rug.  #NewYearsHaiku

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Seren in Fishtown: my god you are beautiful. But why did your parents name you after a lethal nerve gas? Welsh or not, it’s all wrong for Johnny Brendas. So if it’s OK with you I’d like to keep calling you Seven. Thanks!  ~ Auggie (you don’t know me)

Have Guitar, Will Travel: dedicated young guitarist seeks other musicians for local gigs where we develop our sound playing covers and original music. My influences include Van Halen, Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath/Ozzy/Randy Rhoads, Arctic Monkeys, Les Paul. Let’s jam! ~ E. Norriton Axe

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I get turned down, I don’t turn away. I get burned out by the good days; my spirit knows your name. I feel young but in a bad way, ground down in a dirty ashtray. Dirt, myself. And when I make it through this time, I’ll open my door and let you inside like someone else’s housecat.  ~ Pizza Claws in the City

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As we head toward a new year I wanted to share something a possible resource for emotional support and mental health. The Project Endure Podcast features a different guest who has overcome hardship, found strength in struggle, navigated difficulties, and faced tough choices in the name of growth. Available on all platforms (some fan favorites would be episodes 2, 4, 7, 33, 36, 52, 58, 62, 74, 83, 86, 96, 100, 105, 107, 113, 124. ~ Joe @ProjectEndurePodcast I’d love to hear what you think!

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Communist memes aren’t funny unless everyone gets them.  #dadjokes

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Clean Slate for 2024: Professional Cleaning & Organizing services, residential and offices. References available. Great rates. Call or text Paula 267-982-3670 (Free Estimates)

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BORED GAMES: cleaning out my parents’ house, I found vintage editions of Monopoly, Scrabble, Life, and other popular titles from back in the day. Maybe it’s a sign? I’m an older guy, myself, life’s kinda dull and I could probably use some new friends. Anyone want to get together and play some old boardgames? Might be fun to go lo-tech. ~ Cavity Sam

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Commit to Good Habits! If you do nothing else for your personal well-being this year, prioritize making space for the Sisters Circle on the last Sunday of every month. This year we’re hosting a series of local Black professionals to educate and support other BIPOC sisters in growing, recharging, and celebrating our best selves. @sisterswithanagendavillage

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Looking for car keys around calumet, stanton, or around the 3500 block of cresson. It has a subaru key and a key chain with a slice of pizza. If anyone finds it or has found it please please message me. ~John K.

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You only have power over people as long as you don’t take everything away from them. For when you’ve robbed a man of everything, he’s no longer in your power — he’s free again. –Alexander Solzhenitsyn, novelist & Nobel laureate (1918-2008)

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Cuddled up, baby, I’m just saying. I know that someone wanna cuddle up that used to once upon a time ago. Anticipation be everything. ~ Chillie Billie

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Eric M. AA pilot CLT to PHL 12/23: email me, I found your teeth! ~ Lulu (I came with Greg)

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So here’s to the absurdity, the dark, and the snark, / To resolutions that miss the mark. / May your New Year’s be a comedy absurd, / In the theater of chaos, where dreams are blurred. @LocalChatbot

We hope you have enjoyed this Month’s MISSED CONNECTIONS!

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About Karl Von Lichtenhollen 63 Articles
Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen is a doctor and fellow of the Applied Knowledges at Blödsinn Universität in Munich, Germany (1973). He was born and raised in the Nether Regions area of Holland, near Tainte, which he refers to fondly as a "Dutch Wonderland." Dr. Lichtenhollen once shared a houseboat in Amsterdam with the cast of a geriatric production of HAIR, inspiring his famous essay, "That Which I Cannot Unsee." He is a three-time recipient of the "Iron Feather" award. His hobbies include ascots, Highland wool sweaters and his pipe. He has a cat.

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