Missed Connections: DECEMBER 2023

 

DECEMBER calls to mind the number 10 even though it’s the 12th month – take it up with the Ancient Romans, who stuck two months at the top of their calendar in 712 BC. This month in American history: the Pilgrims landed (1620), Slavery was abolished (1865), Pearl Harbor was attacked (1941), the Endangered Species Act passed (1973), Saddam Hussein was captured (2003), and Betty White died during the very last hours of 2021.

❄️ Winter solstice happens on Thursday, December 21st ; this month’s full moon is Tuesday, December 26th, and it’s in Cancer, where it heightens emotions and feelings of belonging. 🦀🌕🫂

December zodiac: Sagittarius (the archer). Birthstone: Turquoise. Flower: Holly. Symbol: Pine 🌲

According to folklore, a white Christmas means a warm Easter, and a windy one is a sign of a good year to come. Some European traditions hold that animals can speak to humans on Christmas Eve (in at least one version, they can also foretell their caretaker’s death).

Noteworthy birthdays:

LeBron James, Tiger Woods, Dionne Warwick, Donna Summer, Rita Moreno, Nicki Minaj, Janelle Monae, Stan Lee, Walt Disney, Steven Spielberg, Frank Sinatra, Sammy Davis Jr, Samuel L. Jackson, Denzel Washington, Jay-Z, DMX, Beethoven, Versace, Nostradamus, Frank Zappa, Snow White, Count Chocula, Mr. Peanut, Scrabble, Monopoly, Chiclets, Bed-in-a-Bag, the Tilt-a-Whirl, the telescope and the folding chair.

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Thanks, Lemon Hill, I’m having a major identity crisis this month – literally every weekend it’s  a different nationality’s Holiday foods, decorations, and entertainment: Ukrainian, Mexican, Swedish, Southeast AsianAmerican? Is this some kind of war on Christmas? Divide and conquer? We’ll see. myphillypark.org

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Sometimes when I get caught up seeing faults in my relationships, I remember there’s a reality show called Sisterwives where a polygamist’s wives turn on him in the final seasons, one by one. That’s never going to happen to me, which is reassuring. ~ Stanley

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Hello this is for Missed Connections, I’m Bethany and I’m 9 and I’ve been training dogs all my life and now me and Biscuit my pug will be competing in Junior Showmanship at the Winter Blast Dog Shows, I don’t know which day yet it is four days December  6 – 10. It is free or really cheap to go so please come and support us it means a lot! phillyexpocenter.com

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God I love this time of year! The lights, the music, the woman in front of me at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.” Bless us everyone! ~ Tiny Tina

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To the dude who complimented my Santa earrings last Thanksgiving weekend at Mix Bar on Chestnut: those weren’t my friends, they were just some nice couple at the bar who pretended to know me after I gestured to them that you were creeping me out. ~ Name Redacted

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People rarely win wars; governments rarely lose them. – Arundhati Roy, Indian author (b. 1961)

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Shop Local! Please check out my etsy for great holiday gifts: original art, cards, giclee prints, upcycled bags + stuff. Etsy.com/shop/evvything

Attention! This year’s theme for the LuminoCity Holiday Lights Festival is “Golden Shower” and it’s a state-of-the-art special effects extravaganza that brings together art, light, and color in dazzling seasonal displays! Phila Expo Center fairgrounds at Oakes now through 1/15. Gen Admission $32 (up to 20% off with promo codes)  luminocityfestival.com

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Please remember: Christmas is not about buying expensive gifts. It’s about going home to your small town and falling in love with Ryan Reynolds. #momjokes

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Underpants, socks, undershirt, pants, shirt, shoes. How do you get dressed every day? After showering, do you towel off in or out of the tub? Since I can’t be with you, I’d like to imagine your morning routine as authentically as possible. This is for Chris, I’m Jackie of course.

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Are You Hungry? Northwest Mutual Aid Collective offers home food delivery for seniors, disabled residents, and low-income families in the following zip codes: 19144, 19, 38, 29 + 29. Produce & pantry items dropped off weekly. Northwestmutualaidcollective.org

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Hey it’s almost time for that “New year, new me” bullshit and I’d like to assure everybody that I will continue to be the same old asshole I have always been. Suck it. ~ Josh

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Uni City Boston Market — You ordered a Dr. Pepper but they only had Cherry Coke. I could tell by the way you carried on that you’re a girl who knows what she wants. I like that. Or you could have problems handling your emotions, which means you’re a “wildcat” which I also like. Let me take you out for a soda of your choice! ~ Mr. Pibb

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Unpaid internships are great opportunities for everyone to practice interview skills, and then if you get an offer you can bow out by saying you got accepted for a paid internship with a company that doesn’t exploit their workers. Suck it, capitalism!  #P2TP

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My father lost his life when we couldn’t remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive”, but it’s hard without him, I won’t lie. #dadjokes

Hello newspaper Polly said it wasn’t a good idea to call now since I’m drunk which is a lie because she’s drunker! Just look at her!!! I’m not the one who’s all fuzzy, she can barely hold her outline together! No no no now YOU listen! Wait no — TELL THEM! What you just said. For me to call. Oh forget it. Merry fuckin Christmas, Philly I love you! ~Yajna

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Post Office PSA: It’s getting dark earlier – please think of the mail carriers that are out late delivering. Keep your porch light on so we can see your house numbers! (Keep your dog inside, too)

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Ghosts Gonna Ghost: You worked in that haunted attraction as one of the scare actors, and comped me in one night where we flirted madly and groped each other’s asses in the darkness. You have my number. Boo.  ~ Dana

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Christmastime Guidelines 🎄1) Do not go into debt trying to show people you love them. 2) Do not see family if it damages your mental health 3) If someone comments on your weight, eat them. ~ Auntie D

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This is for the Fresh Grocer on Chew Ave. How is it you’re on the phone the entire time, even when I try to ask a goddamn question? You think they’d put the phone down but you’d be wrong. How is this happening? #Disrespect ~ MissTaya

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Noah: We met at the time travel study group last Wednesday, from 6pm to 9pm. You arrived from 3 days earlier and I arrived from 10 days in the future. Sorry I missed you. Hope we have better timing the next time(s) we meet.  ~ Mme Jourdain

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BUTCH I don’t know why I expected our FIRST Thanksgiving since we got back together to be ANY different than all the others. At least this year when you hit on my sister she’s single. Joke’s on you, both: 1. I don’t care, and 2. she has raging herpes. Happy New Year! ~ Honey

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PSA for the East Falls Facebook page: When someone’s package gets delivered to your door by accident, go ahead and post a photo of the label. It is INAPPROPRIATE to open the package & photograph the unboxed contents like Carl did. It is PATHOLOGICAL to model all their clothes (also Carl). ~ Have an East Falls Life, Folks

My Unicorn: Your kiss reminded me of the way dollar store lemon cupcakes taste like Pledge for a second or two, before the sugar kicks in. I won’t lie, I had to power though that night but I’m glad I didn’t let a little spaff spoil our fun. Too soon? ~ 3rd Wheel

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FUN FACT: The last day of 2023 will be 123123. 🤯

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Your Own Personal Kondo: Hello I’m a Neurodivergent Home Organizer putting my unique skills to use. I organize, declutter & reset rooms, closets, storage, etc. and also work with clients on accessible plans to maximize clean, efficient spaces. Call Em! @transitionshomeorganizing

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Christmas is so much harder when you’re older. It’s like “What do you want this year?” Oh I dunno, maybe a sense of purpose? More sleep? Some new bras? How about a bottle of wine, call it a night. ~ Grinchie

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Hey Chill Girl at Chapterhouse, playing Heads Up with your buds and distracting one handsome server (yours truly) from his duties with your archival knowledge of films. You know where I work, come by! We’ll go see some weird shit at the Ritz, it’ll be awesome. ~ Bella Vista Brendon

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🎁🎸🎹🥁🎤🎼Give the Gift of Music – Rawk U connects students of all ages and levels with skilled instructors and exciting performance opportunities. Now offering discounted Gift Certificates, starting at 2 half-hour lessons for just $50! Rawku.com

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It is criminal to steal a purse, daring to steal a fortune, a mark of greatness to steal a crown. The blame diminishes as the guilt increases. – Friedrich Schiller, German poet + dramatist (1759-1805)

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Neshaminy Creek Brewery Babe – you had a girlfriend (possibly a wife). That didn’t stop us from staring, or pushing into each other at the crowded bar, back to back. What would you have done, if I’d turned around? ~ Regretfully Yours

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Shop Local #2: The Speedy Squirrel is an East Falls-based biz offering items that celebrate the wilds of NW Philly. 10% of proceeds for our “I’d Rather Be in the Wissahickon” shirts, magnets + stickers go to support this inspirational resource. @speedysquirrelshop (use code SQUIRREL for free shipping thru Dec 31)

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Holiday Lights Bike Ride 2023 is Wednesday December 13 7PM! Join hundreds of other cyclists for an easy, family-friendly ride thru South Philly’s famously fabulous holiday light displays. FREE! Sign up at bicyclecoalition.org  🚲🚲🚲

Hallmark Movie? Wed. 11/15, 8PM, 9th & Bainbridge. We were both walking dogs, and you were ahead and whatever your dog peed on, mine would tinkle on top of it. I often think what would’ve happened if, instead of turning back at South St, we’d kept on going. A new routine? A new relationship? Soulmates? ~ Becca and her beagle

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Irish Dude in line for Lorenzos at Xfinity Live Nov 16. You paid for my slice, then said you’d be around after the Tool concert but I never found you. I forget your name but I remember your mustache. See ya? ~ Sausage + mushrooms

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The number of hours we have together is not so large. Please linger near the door uncomfortably instead of just leaving. Please forget your scarf in my life and come back later for it. @mikkoharvey

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This weekend in the Delaware Valley… Car shows, flea markets, bus trips to Atlantic City? What’s everyone do in the winter here? I’m new to the area and exploring one county at a time. Come along it’ll be fun I promise.  ~ Dale

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Every man is guilty of all the good he didn’t do. -Voltaire, French philosopher (1694-1778)

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🎄🎅🎶Why it’s the Jolly Holiday Show at Venice Island! All your holiday favorites live on stage. Lots to love for all ages! DEC 8 & 9 (7:30pm) $12 @GhostlightPlay Support Local Theatre!

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Are you open? Cause my life is nothing if not a Hail Mary pass to the Universe. I want to tell you stuff b/c it’s raining and lonely here, b/c it’s Sunday night (the loneliest night of the week). I want to shake you up and angrily tell you to just say something, already. Alrighty? ~ Fragile Girl in a Luxury Studio near you!

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Shop Local #3: She Designs Philly Candles upcycles vintage glassware into beautiful, all-natural candles made with essential oils and all-cotton wicks for hours of clean, softly-scented burn. Securely + attractively packaged. Sdpcandleshop.etsy.com on Etsy. #Germantown

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True History: the Lewis & Clark expedition had a massive syphilis problem which they treated with mercury. It was so prevalent in their systems, we track their campsites today by the high mercury concentrations left in their poop. #TheMoreYouGo 💩💩💩

⛄Kitchen Garden Winter Market: 40+ local vendors, fresh wreaths + evergreens, food + drink, neighbors + friends. SAT DEC 9 (10AM – 4PM) @germantownkitchengarden

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Lune Ache: When the moon is so beautiful it breaks your heart. Look! Look! I want to tell you, of all people. Walking home, there’s the willow where we first kissed, bathed in glow like the light I hold for you in my heart. Wherever you are. ~ Waxing Poetic

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Hello World, If you click over to my profile pic, I look like a mix of “deer caught in the headlights” and “cat that ate the canary.” Hard to believe, but in person I’m even more confusing. ~Hello Back???

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Holiday Pro Tip: Never eat food offered by an adorable toddler relative. It might look like a cookie or a piece of candy, but it’s actually the flu.  ~ Auntie D

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Whoops! Attention again! This year’s theme for the LuminoCity Holiday Lights Festival is “Golden HOLIDAY” not “Golden Shower” like I said earlier. Yikes, my Freudian slip must be showing! Ha ha. Anyway, I’d appreciate it if you could make that correction. Thanks!

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B: Sorry but I had to bounce, this is not fair to anyone. I am not mad, it is what it is. You don’t have to love me. I will just have to call you the 1 who got away. Happy Holidays. ~ D ps although technically I left you

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❄️🌨️🥶🐾WINTER PSA: The number in Philly to call to report animals left out in the cold is 267-385-3800 (elsewhere in PA: 866-601-7722). Code Blue is near or below 20 degrees. Thanks!

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Holiday Petsitting by Erin – Now booking sitting, walking, drop-ins, and small animal care now thru the holidays. Privately insured, bonded, licensed, and certified in Pet CPR + First Aid. Last minute? No problem! Serving Gr. Phila Area. 267-414-3693 / @pawsitivevibesonly_

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For 2024, I’m going to write a book about all the things I should’ve done with my life. It’ll be called my “Oughta-biography” lol  ~ Lara

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Hey friends, self-care isn’t always chocolate and NetFlix. Sometimes, it’s getting out of bed to summon a demon to help with the dishes, or finding the right number of chicken bones to appease that thing in the attic.  ~ Dark Wendy

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Heads up: that expensive Universal Remote Control does not, in fact, control the Universe (not even remotely). Such a scam. SAD!! #dadjokes

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Thought for the Day: every failure is a success when you self-sabotage. #truth

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Hear me out, what if instead of kissing someone at midnight on New Years Eve we all just collectively scream? #happy2024already

We hope you have enjoyed this Month’s MISSED CONNECTIONS!

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About Karl Von Lichtenhollen 68 Articles
Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen is a doctor and fellow of the Applied Knowledges at Blödsinn Universität in Munich, Germany (1973). He was born and raised in the Nether Regions area of Holland, near Tainte, which he refers to fondly as a "Dutch Wonderland." Dr. Lichtenhollen once shared a houseboat in Amsterdam with the cast of a geriatric production of HAIR, inspiring his famous essay, "That Which I Cannot Unsee." He is a three-time recipient of the "Iron Feather" award. His hobbies include ascots, Highland wool sweaters and his pipe. He has a cat.

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