AUGUST brings us the lazy, hazy days of late summer, perfect for soaking up sunshine at the beach or enjoying an outdoor concert. It’s the month of Perseids meteor showers lighting up the night sky and the season’s ripest tomatoes and corn. August is National Family Fun Month, plan some time to be together before the school year kicks in. 🎒🚸📚
☀️ Not so fast! August invites us to savor every golden moment left of summer. This month’s Full Moon is the 🌕🦈 Sturgeon Moon on the 19th, and it’s in Aquarius so things might get weird. World Sea Serpent Day (Aug 7) honors the siting of a 60-foot-long creature off the coast of South Africa in 1848 and/or the day “Puff the Magic Dragon” hit the Top 40 in 1963. Join fellow space nerds on the 24th in commemorating Pluto’s 2006 demotion to “dwarf planet”.
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Red tank top, denim cut offs. You stopped to ask if the watermelon I was eating was seedless. When I offered you a slice, though, you laughed and said “Maybe next time, Grandpa.” WTH? I don’t think I deserved that, you’ll be 40 someday too. ~ Rittenhouse Square 7/20
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Meet me, Maria, for twilight tunes in the sweet-scented shade of the Parkside Edge! My man Luke Carlos gets all up in our jazz starting at 5 on Sunday the 7th. Is that tingle on my lips the urge to kiss you or did I get bug spray in my mouth again? Let’s find out on my lawn chair made for two! ~ G.W. @myphillypark
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FOOD FOR ALL: As we approach the end of July and beginning of August we want to remind folks just how important extra donations can be during this transition week when people’s budgets are frequently strained. Extra support is appreciated! Our fridges are for everybody: students, parents, seniors, and every kind of household that exists. #NoJudgement 💛 @GermantownCommunityFridge
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Touch of Class at Def Leppard 7/23 Row 6, Section 414: I accidently stepped on the hoagie you’d stashed in your purse, but instead of yelling at me you laughed and said “Wow my Wawa is a ‘womp-womp’!” I’ll never forget you. ~ Kyle
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What’s wrong with wanting to be shark chum? Not now, when I’m dead obviously. Instead of ashes, let the sharks eat me. I can’t explain why but it feels like I could come back faster that way, you know, reincarnate whole or something. Who’s with me? ~ Great White Gus
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Chris – thought I’d track you down here on that cosplay thing in Valley Forge. Is it a low-rent Comic Con? YES! But Dallas Reid agreed to read my Black Clover fan fiction and you owe me a favor so I need you to pretend to be my agent. Pick a day, Aug 8, 9 or 10. @LibertyComicon
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🐒🦍🧠 human wandering through the zoo / what do your cousins think of you. 👀👀👀 ~ Don Marquis, American humorist & poet (1878-1937)
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To the witty man who struck up a conversation with a tired cyclist at Halal Heaven (Passyunk): your joke went right over my head, and didn’t strike me until I was halfway home when I found it so funny I peed a little in my saddle. 💦🤭 Thought you should know. ~ Tammy
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☀️🏛️🚣O Sole Mio! Who will join me on a sunset Schuylkill paddle? We can use my double from the East Falls landing or do the Park Conservancy’s kayak tour on August 28th (a Wednesday). It goes around Fairmount Water Works, doesn’t that sound fun? 6pm from Walnut St Dock. Shall we picnic first? @HiddenRiverOutfitters
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Hey y’all, a cowboy-looking dude just tipped his Stetson at me on E. Cumberland St. and my natural reflex was to holler, “Save it, ya yella-bellied polecat!” and then he called back “Only thing yella here is this gold ring!” and long story short I think we’re engaged. Be careful out there. ~ Nellie O.
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Antiques! Home décor! Neat stuff! No cursed artifacts! NW Philly’s newest shop for old finds of all kinds, expertly curated in a charming historic storefront in East Falls. Pearn & Ellerkamp’s Antiques & Fine Art, 4028 Ridge Ave PS Definitely nothing is haunted!
Point for the Cat Ladies: JD Vance is Roman Catholic, whose Church has been run for 2,000+ years by childless men with no direct stake in the future. #awwsnap
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Welp, Hugo here’s my best shot. Tried to tell you how stupid I get. Swoop! Goes my brain out my head and my ears must flutter off, too: I know we talked for hours but I can’t recall a word of what you said. Did we plan a second date? Did I give you the right number? ~ Amy Airhead
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Dear Mom, if we have to do history stuff this summer, can we do the Fairmount bike tour? It goes by the old playground, the reservoir, the Coltrane house and a bunch of other spots we drive past all the time, it’d be fun to check them out. It’s like 8 miles but it’s all flat. Sunday morning Aug 25 (starts at boathouse row).
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Yo, some guy in the Awbury Park tennis courts was trying to give away a 2 year old German Shepherd, said his dad couldn’t care for him anymore but it still seems like a dick move. Who doesn’t know about rescues? People, don’t be stupid. ~ Ms. Morris
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I took one of those “I side with” political tests and it said I align ideologically with those orcas that keep sinking yachts. #instincts 🐋
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Poem for Purple Throw Pillows:
At Bargain Thrift the other day
I bought a mug and used toupee,
A plastic cat in a jacket and tie,
An old rubber chicken – don’t ask me why.
Amidst all the junk I was hunting for fun
My heart started pounding when I found The One.
Now my search brings me here for the love that I need,
My only wish now is I hope she can read.
~ Wobbly Cart Guy (Remember me?!)
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I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means “put down.” ~ Bob Newhart (RIP 7/18/24) 🖤
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Beat the Heat! The PA Convention Center will be open for FREE all day Saturday August 10th, offering quiet, air-conditioned escape from sweltering city streets, plus spotless restrooms. If anyone asks, say you’re there for the book fair, it’s independent authors so they’ll be grateful for the extra attendance. (10am – 4pm) @LiteracyNationINC
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⛈️ Extreme Weather tip: don’t dissolve the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, or end free weather reports and critical warnings for floods, storms, heatwaves, blizzards, etc. Stop Project 2025 this November! 💙💙💙
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My ability to dissociate has become too powerful. Now I’m just watching the fall of America like “Hmm, yeah that happens to empires” while I scroll thru dog hats on Amazon. #whatever
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Watch out for the tandem that’s riding around Center City, the lady in the back will yoink the wine right off your table, this happened to me and my date when we dined outside at Trattoria Carina but it can happen anywhere there are bike lanes. This couple is a MENACE! ~Kurt
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Germantown and Mt Airy need to be their own District, we’re sure as hell not getting our fair share. I haven’t seen any improvements under Cindy Bass. We’ve lost so much! We used to have our own City Hall! A high school, a hospital, a dmv. You really think rich folks are going to give up all their power over votes?! I’m just glad to be my age so I don’t have to live in your future. ~ Mr Keith
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This is for Neil, my giant friend, ha ha! It’s a giant joke around here!!! Because he works at Giant, get it?! He says it’s not funny but wait’ll he sees it in print! 💀💀💀 ~ Paige
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The dinosaurs didn’t “rule the Earth” – they were just alive. Stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didn’t have. #ScienceGuy
We were both following up on near identical butt rashes at my dermatologist’s office, where you are also a patient. I don’t usually open up so much in waiting rooms, but as the hours ticked by, the walls between us fell away like my cargo pants (and yours). Wish we’d traded numbers, I’d love to compare steroid creams. Hit me up if you see this. ~ Brad (University City)
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“May ya live as long as ya want, and not want for as long as ya live” is an Irish Toast. “Eggs, milk, cinnamon, bread” is a French toast. #dadjokes
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By the Ginko Tree (Bartram’s Garden): Your dreams were my dreams, your hopes were my hopes, yet I never even met you. Your mom and I never talk anymore; all is forgiven yet nothing explained. My beloved, my sweet, my true connection, missed. ~ Drama King
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Casting Call: Spider Ma’am, a play about a middle-aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this. (She assumes her new powers are just another menopausal symptom no one warned her about.) ~ Wendy at Hagfarts Theatre
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You coaxed my soul out to play before it went back into hiding. I liked that. My soul is still more than a little suspicious. I hope you have some tricks up your sleeve. ~ Broke But Fixable
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Last night someone stole my wife’s hanging plants right off our porch and she’s upset. Who does this? I’m honestly confused. Stay safe, everyone! ~ Josh in Germantown
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Hey I found twenty dollars in a parking lot today. And I thought to myself: What would Jesus do? So I turned it into wine! #UrCoolAunt
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Calling All Arithmomaniacs! Your superpower is needed for the Audubon’s Annual Mid-Atlantic Butterfly Count, on the beautiful grounds of the Discovery Center. Come count and catalog native pollinators, no experience necessary. Nets, binoculars, magnifying glasses, etc. all provided. SAT AUG 24 (10AM – 12PM). Register: discoveryphila.org
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Never believe anything until it is officially denied ~ Otto von Bismarck, German chancellor (1815 – 1898) (maybe)
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CAN ADMINS OF THIS PAGE DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?! WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE’S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING PEOPLE, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 15 IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 13 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING’S WRONG WITH IT. IT’S SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK WON’T TURN OFF. ~BEN ON NEXTDOOR
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I was highly offended the other day when two attractive young women debated my desirability within ear shot. But I was also grateful for your unvarnished assessment of my outfit (you’re absolutely right about my pork pie hat). Truthfully, it’s an honor to even be considered. Thanks, kids! ~ Mr. Elliot (Center City)
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We met in the new cadaver lab at the International Federation for Adipose Therapeutics and Science (IFATS) conference. I’ll never eat calamari again after the way you sliced those ligaments on the tray. Real funny. I still like you. Let’s meat up again and chew the fat. ~ Vinnie Viscera
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Behind every woman who “slept her way to the top” is a man who exploited her in an imbalanced power dynamic. If you aren’t worried about the latter then you really don’t GAF about the former. Be honest with yourself and work on that ✌🏼 ❤️🤍💙
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Street Movies come to Germantown’s Vernon Park, with an exciting lineup of incredible storytelling thru short films and live presentations. THURS AUG 8 (8-10pm) BYO chair, blanket, refreshments. Free + family friendly
Auntie Delia, please stop bleaching the twins’ bathroom, skibidi toilet doesn’t mean what you think it does. #MizzRizz
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NORMALIZE SAYING ‘WEALTH HOARDER’ INSTEAD OF ‘BILLIONAIRE’ 🤑🤑🤑 #EatTheRich
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I have secret Missed Connections dreams. About a certain someone. My favorite part is that it could be real, if I wanted. Probably. But I like every new scenario in my mind better, especially the ones where you come to me and I just have to sit here. ~ Idle Me This
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The first rule of Passive Aggressive Club is… You know what, nevermind. It’s fine. I’ll handle it, I always do (just don’t forget this time). Love ya! ~ Karin with an i (although everyone spells it with an “e”)
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What if public libraries were open late every night and we could engage in public life thee instead of having to choose between wasting money at the bar and domestic isolation? 🤔
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Announcement for John S’s friends (East Falls): this year’s birthday bash will be in the taxidermy wing of the Oddities & Curiosities Expo, we have the space for both days (Aug 17 & 18) so prepare for the ultimate sleepover. Please see online rsvp @phillyexpocenter, PS we’re all chipping in on an oath skull, it’s gonna be rad! ~ Lucas + Zee
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The fact that Keith Richards has outlived Richard Simmons really makes me question this whole healthy eating and exercise thing. RIP 7/13/24 ~ Napping to the Oldies
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7/12, Pop Up Garden, South & 15th — You practically knocked the beer out of my hand, passing by, then whirled around like you were going to catch it. We had a laugh and great eye contact, then you hurried to catch up with someone. I see this over and over again in my mind, and every time I wish I’d said “Where’ve you been all my life?” For real! All this time, and that’s literally the best line I can come up with. I’m so screwed. ~ Devon
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Pretty sure giving birth should be called take-out instead of delivery. #momjokes
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LUNAR LUNATICS ONLY! Buddy’s Moonwalk and Telescope Party combines nature, history, and astronomy on a 2-mile guided tour in Fairmount Park. Tuesday Aug 13 (8:30 – 10:30PM). $15 from Lemon Hill.
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🥊🌳👟 REGISTRATION OPEN for the 13th Annual Boxers Trail 5K, your feel-good event for SAT SEPT 14. Support youth programming while walking or running a glorious trail that winds through woods and meadows, vivid with local wildlife and historic architecture. @boxerstrail5k.com $15 – $25 (includes t-shirt)
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Sheesh with everything going on in America, you’d think our country was cursed or something. It’s almost like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground. Oh, wait… 💡
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True Story: it’s illegal to laugh loudly in Hawaii. You have to keep it to a low ha. 🤣🤣🤣 #dadjokes
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You’ve heard of camping and glamping, right? This summer we tried “gramping,” which is camping out at home and yelling at kids to get off your lawn. Not bad! 4/10
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We hope you have enjoyed this Month’s MISSED CONNECTIONS!
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