Missed Connections: DECEMBER 2021

Patiently sifted from the chaff of social media for the embetterment of all by Dr. Karl von Lichtenhollen

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HOROSCOPE FOR SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Sags are the seekers and wanderers of the zodiac, which is why they are so reckless and unwashed. Those born under this sign have a strong desire to lead. Also they cheat at cards and cannot be trusted with secrets. A sag’s element is fire, which is reflected in their natural optimism and propensity for arson. Romantically, they are confident and charming but not really worth the trouble. If you are a Sagittarius you can be certain people only pretend to like you. Wake up.  @Empress2016

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LOU R: So now it’s MY fault? I told you to get my guy from down the corner. You know, where there’s a store. Why would I say “coroner”? Who ever heard of a coroner store? This is not the guy, he needs to go asap. This is your problem not mine. You’ve got three months of cold weather, max, to handle this. Go! – Saul Jr

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TrueSmash.com review for LEMMY78 in 19129 as follows:  Lemmy78 arrived promptly for our dinner date, dressed nicely but not like a douche (more like biz casual). Good listener. Seductive. Excellent foreplay, with perfect pace and explosive rasgueados. We were both whipped up into a messy frenzy by the end (in a good way). I’m giving Lemmy78  4.5 out of 5 stars, only because I don’t want it to go to his head.  ~Linda M.

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I find it totally bananas that I can marry a rando dude today and give him health insurance but I can’t put my sister or my grandmother on my coverage. The American idea of who is family & who do we care for makes zero sense to me. So depressing!  @ActUpPhilly

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FREE! Freezer Burnt Chicken Breasts Come and get ‘em!!! They’re very dry but still edible. Good for a stew or casserole. Maybe a couple pounds. ~Artie

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Jonathan: as a friend and former partner, I’m coming from a place of love when I tell you to slow down. Call your parents or Josh or someone. I hadn’t realized when I left you at the alter that you’d run out and propose to the first woman who looked like me. And now an Applebee’s waitress named Daughn hand-delivered my mom an invitation to your Christmas wedding – almost gave her a heart attack, thinking it was me for a second and I’d gone back to you. Anyway I don’t know what you’re trying to pull but please work on healing and moving on. I know I have.  – Donna

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Teddy, Why did you run away back in August when I was flailing around in the crick? You shoulda helped me! I swear I got zapped by one them electronic eels and it made my whole body jerk around like I was possessed, but I wasn’t possessed. I realize the whole thing must have been a shocking sight, lol, believe me, I was shocked the most. Let’s meet again and clear the air. Thanks, Lorraine

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Verdict’s out? We were on Jury Duty together in November, I hope you’ll remember. It was the case that had the whole thing about the dude’s head, remember? We were the only two dissenters on the jury. So whack! Well after considering all evidence, I must plead guilty to being attracted to you. Will you be my partner in crime?  ~Miles J. Wrenberger, DDS

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November 19, 2021:
Beaver moon
You saw me sitting alone
without a flap in my tail,
without a log in my dam.
Water proof!
You know just what fur is there for,
Not ever something you’d wear for
Whatever reason you care for.
PS December’s full moon is called a “Cold” moon (and it comes Dec 18th).

Kyle, dude. Your mom came up in my Grindr. Don’t be mad, but I scheduled a date with her next Friday. I’ll get to the bottom of all this and set it all straight. That said, her pics don’t look too bad. I’ll let you know how it goes. We’ll probably end up back at my place, where I can smooth everything out  ~Brad

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LOST: long-haired teacup chihuahua “Tinkerbelle” wandered from our yard on Merrick Street in East Falls. She is 17 years old, blind, deaf, diabetic & incontinent. Last seen on Cresson. ~ Mrs. Finnegan

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Do not go quietly into that good night! Rage, rage against the meticulously-researched, peer-reviewed, double-blind science that could have saved your fucking life you obnoxious twat.  #yesyou

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My holiday message for my dear husband Butch: I’m sorry, I was wrong. I thought you couldn’t possibly be more of a jackass, but then Thanksgiving 2021 happens, and you go ahead and top yourself. Now we’ve set a whole new bar in the family, aren’t you proud? Jenny had to shave the dog to get your stink off him. As soon as your arm heals, you’re fixing their toilet, buster! ~Honey

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I’m not saying our leaders are intentionally trying to shut down small business, destroy the middle class, transfer the majority of the wealth to the world’s largest corporations, and divide us with fear and hatred. But if they were, what would they be doing differently…? #seriousquestion

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Dog Lovers: It’s the Winter Blast Cluster at the Philly Expo Center – three kennel clubs over five days of family-friendly, four-footed fun. Thousands of dogs, hundreds of breeds. AKC conformation, junior showmanship and even a puppy competition. FREE ADMISSION! Dec 8 – 12, 9am to 4pm. Phillyexpocenter.com 

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Bonita Juanita – we talked about Missed Connections so I’ve been looking for you on Craig’s List. Just realized this paper prints them too so I sat down to read them with a pint at Murphy’s – and that’s when I saw YOUR message to ME! What luck, we’re neighbors!!! Let’s follow up and see where this goes. Meet me for coffee at Thunder Mug, please? You pick the day/time. Love, Rico Suave

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I don’t know what kind of paper you’re running here but some slut posted something last month to MY HUSBAND OF MANY MONTHS!! That is WRONG!! Immoral journalists fake news HUSSY!!!!  I’m here all day feeding cats and scooping litter and sending letters while you’re trying to steal my husband?!!!! Enough is enough!  ~Carl’s rightful and legal wife

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You: Judge Judy’s significantly younger & more voluptuous sister
Me: Possible spawn of Christian Slater and John Travolta
Place: last Little Lives walking music fest
Desired Action: Satisfaction
Word: Thunderbird
Put your listening ears on and call me

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JOIN US !!!  For the FREE Penn Knox Nude Walk for People this December 26th at 2:30pm. Meet at the Price Street Play Lot for brief rally and disrobing. Route follows Wayne Ave to Rittenhouse then back down Greene to Chelten, ending at the offices of The Local newspaper where we will take turns posing for their surveillance camera. Proceeds benefit the Human Fund. See you there (every inch of you!). More info see Guillermo at the dollar store

Ewww. Sorry.

Hello I from Krasnoyarsk, Russia with the nice potato face like for your mother but my womb is spry. I have manys attractions for your enjoy and am good working. I speak both Russian and Russian. Pick me, you are waiting. У меня много перьев и золотой клюв!   — Inessa

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Dragoness ISO winged drake for fantasy fiction romance. Must be down to “beget” good times. Bonus if you’re fluent in Avarin or Quendya.  ~Professor Eloise Stead-Horman, MFA

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Christmas: it’s the only religious holiday that’s also a federal holiday. That way, Christians can go to their services, and everyone else can sit home and reflect on the true meaning of “separation of church and state.”  @iamsambee

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I asked an old girlfriend to write my online dating profile – I figured no one knows me better than Katie and I was right, she nailed it. Problem is, while writing it she fell back in love with me. So I put her off for a few weeks but she’s making a fool of herself, I feel bad, then I have an idea: Maybe I’ll fall in love too if I write an online dating profile for HER. Sure enough, it worked! But now when I try to call her, it’s like she changed her number or something. What went wrong? Anyone? Katie if you see this, call me!!  ~Philly Dave

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It’s a pansexual Christmas, Charlie Brown! Local free spirits gather this December 25th for a celebration of passion and potency in the most stimulating seasonal landscapes you’ve ever experienced All welcome to join in any reindeer games <wink wink> DM @Bitsy.LaRue

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To the hot crossing guard by the deaf school: no one rocks a yellow poncho like you, baby. Two times a day, you give me a little slice of heaven when you walk by. Thank you, Queen. ~Shel

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Dear Thursday Night Bartender at the 32nd Street Pub, if Cliff ever lets me in again the first thing I will do is put a $20 bill in your tip jar, and thank you for being the only one who claps for my Yoko Ono numbers at karaoke night. (The second thing I will do –  stay true to my art!!!)  ~ Fantastic Plastic

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CRYING AT THE NEW TJMAXX: You were in the home goods section. Not gonna broadcast the name on your tag but I remember it. I heard your sobs and asked if you were alright, if you needed anything. I brought you a lemonade and a Hershey bar, and you said thanks but you were busy so I never found out what was wrong. I’ll keep my eye out for you, hope you’re OK! I’m Brian.

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Been Forever – hey Jorge I saw you and your family 2x over Thanksgiving weekend, walking around Cloverly Park and then also down by the river in East Falls. Was that Rena in the silver puffer jacket? If so let’s talk before you go back.  – Tristin

Calling Team Kush  – Luxury stoner pad with all the trappings: Lava lamp, check. Tropical fish tank, check. Galaxy ceiling projector, check. Flamin Hot Cheetos with ranch dressing, check and double check. How are you not DMing me already? ~Pappa Bubblegum

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FOUND in my shed on Cresson: approx 13 foot long albino ball python. I put a space heater out there for him but if he’s yours please come get him because I’m not set up to care for a large snake (and he makes my roommate nervous). ~ Eddie  PS He looks OK, except for some kind of lump in the middle that’s pretty big but doesn’t seem to be bothering him. — Jeff

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This is to the woman who vomited on me attempting to purchase Pepto Bismol at the Rite Aid on Midvale (self checkout):  Where was it you got the margaritas? You were telling me about your evening before you barfed, and apparently someplace nearby has a pitcher night or something…?? I don’t usually go for sweet drinks but yours looked yummy.  ~Lisa Lisa CJ

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FREE to a good home 30 gallons gently-used turkey-frying vegetable oil. Apparently if you try to throw it out in City trash they will yell at you and then fine you!!! So free oil, who wants? Hmu on FB.  ~ Jaybird

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My fallen angel, what do you think? A jug of beer, loaf of meat and thou over there, shouting in the city. See what I’ve done? Have you considered what happens next?  ~ Ever your Omar

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What is UP with all the old people lining up to be first in the dollar store when they open their doors at 9am on Sunday morning? There’s a whole subculture here, all gussied up like it’s a social event to buy the week’s toilet paper, writing checks and counting out change so it takes 45 damn minutes to buy a thing of green Tic Tacs. So glad you were there to make me see how funny it is. You said your name was Tasha that you liked my shoes. Hope you see you again soon. ~ Vela Mintz

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Jeepers Peepers! Did we just have eye sex at Attic? I’d just finished my solo after whipping out my keytar and jamming with the band, when our gaze locked across the beer garden. I never felt my pupils dilate like that, but something about how you were batting your lashes had me completely captivated. I still can’t see straight. Look me up.  ~ Johnny Iris

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The Good News: I posted in Missed Connections and got a response!
The Bad News: her boyfriend is the one who responded.
The Best News: printed every month in The Local paper. Look for us wherever cool people read stuff.

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TAKE A SLEIGH RIDE  — Just minutes from KofP mall! Immerse yourself in over a million lightbulbs shining bright in a larger-than-life array of illuminated sculptures and holiday scenes. With festive treats & amusements, it’s a seasonal extravaganza for all ages! Tix start at $13.99 (kids under 5 free). Now thru January 2nd 2022, 5 – 10pm daily at the Philly Expo Center. Tinseltownholiday.com

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People really out here saying “I’ve never tried vegan food before” acting like it’s a whole cuisine. Bitch you’ve never had a carrot? A noodle? A French fry? Stfu. @livedecent

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HOLIDAY TIP: ShopRite is giving free turkeys to anyone who can outrun security. @Dadjokes

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This is to the guy I made out with the other night at the Black Squirrel. Can’t recall your face, name, or anything about you, except that you’re a great kisser! No, wait. It’s coming back to me now. Awww, man, now I remember. You’re that gross guy in the hat, aren’t you? Yeesh. Nevermind. I’m glad I didn’t give you my number! ~Annabelle (please forget my name though)

We hope you have enjoyed this Month’s MISSED CONNECTIONS!

Reply or place your own listing in one of three ways: 1) comment below 2) text 215-498-8874 or 3) email DrKarl@nwlocalpaper.com. If you are responding to an ad privately, please be as specific as possible so that Dr. Karl may properly assist. Thank you, my friend.

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About Karl Von Lichtenhollen 41 Articles
Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen is a doctor and fellow of the Applied Knowledges at Blödsinn Universität in Munich, Germany (1973). He was born and raised in the Nether Regions area of Holland, near Tainte, which he refers to fondly as a "Dutch Wonderland." Dr. Lichtenhollen once shared a houseboat in Amsterdam with the cast of a geriatric production of HAIR, inspiring his famous essay, "That Which I Cannot Unsee." He is a three-time recipient of the "Iron Feather" award. His hobbies include ascots, Highland wool sweaters and his pipe. He has a cat.

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