Missed Connections: NOVEMBER 2021

Plucked, brined, roasted and offered with love and a side of parsnips by Karl Von Lichtenhollen – just for you.

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OK, great. I’m trying to reconnect with you but I can’t describe you because we met at the Halloween party and you were still in full costume when we hooked up. You were the only woman there dressed as “My Pretty Pony,” so hopefully you’ll be able to recognize yourself (I was a Cylon from Battlestar Galactica). Please contact me! – Adam PS No I’m not a brony.
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GET WELL SOON, ZOEY! We miss sniffing your butt and also the ground where you kick after a good pee. Please try to take it easy so you will heal fast and be back as soon as possible. Love, the dogs of NW Philly Pack Walk

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People! Your body’s natural immune system is the best defense! That’s why the life expectancy of people was about 20 years old and everyone died from diarrhea 200 years ago before medical scientific innovations ruined how healthy we all are. #vaccinate

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Miss Calumet Street: Please give me a second chance! That was just a freak thing that happened, I have no idea how that racoon got in the apartment, let alone how it opened my roommate’s nightstand. When it turned on her vibrator and came after us, you could’ve knocked me over with a feather! I was right behind you, running out the door. That was so weird!! We’ve since had the exterminator out, and taken every measure to ensure this never happens again. I’d like to think this incident could perhaps even be a bond between us? Will you consider? Call me! ~ Marlin Perkins

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Unique Holiday Gift Idea: For about $50 you can name a penguin or shark involved in current research (which your donation supports). Via seabirds.org and name.a.shark.

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This is for “Just Jerry” — Thanks for catching my fall today in the Preston parking garage. When you picked me up, and locked your beautiful eyes on mine — Kaboom! I fell again. That’s why I gave you my business card, btw, did you lose it? Call and give me a chance to sweep you off of your feet this time. What do you say? – Mostly Maureen
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I’m blasting down the sidewalk, chain smoking as usual, and there you are chilling on the park bench. From outta nowhere you handed me a smile I’ve never seen before. I still have it here in my pocket, lol. If you see me around, say hi. I think our vibes might jibe. – Troy (Cloverly)
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Guys, I found my first gray pubic hair today and I’m freaking out because I did not expect it to be in my Big Mac. #dadjokes

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Hands Off – We were out of touch till you touched base with me, which at the time was deeply touching. Now I can’t put my finger on why my digits remain undialed, despite your promises (which were uncalled for). Don’t come around if you’re only going to make it weird.  – Cousin Meenal

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Dear Chip it’s not that we mind so much the arctic theme you’ve chosen for the man cave, but do you have to keep calling it our “Fortress of SolidDude”?? You’ve scared off three women and at least one potential roommate already, and it’s only been three months. Can we please go back to saying it’s a guest room? – Doug and Jimbo  PS GO BIRDS!

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When I give to the poor, they call me a saint. When I ask why the poor have no food, they call me a communist.  – Archbishop Hélder Câmara (1909 – 1999)

To the lightly educated neighbor who is blowing leaves off his car with a leaf blower — IN A WIND STORM: you might want to consider getting a job, just sayin. — your neighbor of 21+ years

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DAVE P/BUCKETS EF/2001: I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar, THAT much is true. You sure as hell didn’t pick me up and/or turn me around, though – I succeeded because I worked my ass off even though the pay was shit and the manager was all up in my business. Well now maybe I want to get all up in YOUR business. See how you like it. Bitch. Call me. – Shay PS you better still have that fine ass

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SPINS MOBILE BIKE SHOP will come to you to fix your bike(s) on the spot: tune-ups, repairs, full overhauls – even bike sales & builds! Accessories too, call for more information or to set up an appointment: 267-626-0383 @spinsmobilebicyclerepair Gift certificates available.

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Shannon, honey,  you’ve been on my mind all day for some reason and now I just remembered: our anniversary! I totally forgot our anniversary last month (or maybe it was the month before that). And there’s probably a birthday or two I may have missed. The boys were born in summertime, right? Yikes! I’m really surprised you haven’t said anything but then again this could be one of your psychological experiments. Ha ha. OK sorry what can I do? ~ Worlds Worst Husband/Father
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Religion in Schools? I can’t understand how Christians can be behind this. If a Muslim wanted it, everyone would be like “Oh no! Sharia law is taking over!” freak out that they’re “indoctrinating our kids”. But somehow because it’s Christianity, it’s cool? Makes no sense. @PolicalFamiliar

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Who Goes Bowling Anymore? I was on a total whim when I wandered into Lucky Strike on my night off. Thought I’d have a beer and watch some dorks, feel better about myself. Then some girl and her friends let me play a game with them. Haven’t bowled in years but I kicked ass, it was great, I felt so alive!!! So far they haven’t returned my calls so I’m looking for anyone who is NOT A SORE LOSER to contact Chas at Throwbaxx for some casual bowling (no leagues attached).
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American Indian Jewelry & Art
November 12 & 13
Greater Phila Expo Center
Plus rugs, blankets, pottery, fetishes, more
Navajo, Hopi, Zuni, Santo Domingo
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It’s funny, “Hester”, that we should meet that way. I happened to have a whole thing of lye and you happened to have a shovel and we each had a body to dispose of, AND we both picked the same place to get rid of it. We worked together and got the job done. Ain’t nobody gotta know the better. Now let’s meet up and get romantic! I’ll be very careful not to piss you off.  ~Phil  #soulmates
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Who’s the Asshole Here? So I was up there painting the bannisters for Christmas when this lady walking down the sidewalk — who I do not recognize by the way – hollers up at me, all pissed about how I’m in a mu-mu, and it’s disgusting, and anyone who glances up sees my junk but I’m like Hello, you should never walk under an extended ladder, it’ s unsafe and also mu-mus are traditionally worn without underwear anyway. Right?   ~Jeff by the train station  #wtah
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Rexella, I assumed when you told me you were “a real hellcat” that you were speaking metaphorically. Come to find out you scratch, you bite, you claw up my drywall to impressive heights. Then there’s the screaming. Mad things. Frightening things. Unhuman things. I’ll admit I’m intrigued but if we’re not getting freaky please move on, as I have no desire to be further possessed.  ~Jack Van Impe
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SHINY AND BRIGHT A drive-thru delight! Come see a PHestivaL of Trees featuring 200+ uniquely decorated holiday trees and gingerbread houses, holiday shopping village, beer garden, live entertainment and SANTA HIMSELF! This festive family event benefits local animal rescues and shelters. Nov 12, 13 & 14 at the Greater Phila Expo Center. Adults $20, kids $8 (under 3 free).

#DATIINGFAIL: Don’t you hate those first dates where you’re both trying too hard? And it’s so obvious and awkward, but neither of you can stop. I think it means we probably really like each other, and we don’t want to blow it. Kurt, if you see this, I’m in for trying again. Jeans and t-shirts this time, ok?  — Jasmine
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Hi, it’s  <unintelligible> alright I was having a beer by the river waiting on a Tinder. It was a weeknight, not too late. He pulled up real slow as I was standing there, I know it was him I saw his face and he was checking me out. I’m like Yo! And he just drove off. He had the nerve to shake his head, that rude mother <unintelligible> !!!!  If this is you, you got a problem. You a hater. Karma <unintelligible> get you. Out!!!

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FOR REAL: If you’re OK with paying taxes to send people to prison but not college, I assure you, it’s not about the money. @ReclaimPhila

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I had a blind date. Literally. He’d broken his glasses on the way to meet me and couldn’t see for shit. We laughed so hard, because I had just come from Metal Monday at Attic Brewery, and my ears were still ringing. We agreed to try again another night, but never did. I often wonder what would’ve happened if we’d followed through on our dinner plans. I could’ve been his eyes, he could’ve been my ears, and this could’ve been a great story for the grandkids. #summerregrets ~ Angie in East Falls
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Lucille: Remember how it’d be 11am, and we’d be sitting on your bed, playing tunes and blowing bong hits out the window? We thought we were so sneaky but turns out the RA just didn’t care, lol. I would pay good money to be that carefree and oblivious again. The next best thing, though, is spending time with you. My friend and partner in crime always.  ~Trigger

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Dear Todd, Just because your wife caught us on our first date doesn’t mean we can’t try again. We just need to find a place in another part of the city or outside the city where she can’t find us. Which we should have done in the first place, frankly. Call me. ~Ingryd
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Forgive me, Heidi, but I don’t speak German so those “sweet nothings” you’re whispering sound like grunting and maybe hawking up a loogie. If you’re trying to turn me on, try French or Italian. Or maybe just talk dirty in English?    ~Kevin  #justsayin
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This is Edward. I would like to report a home invasion. I was minding my own business on my front porch when some woman invaded the spare chair across from me. And helped herself to one of my Pounders!! Shoo, I said, this is East Falls, we don’t do hand-outs. But my heart wasn’t in it. And anyway she left when I went to the kitchen to get a bag of Cheetohs. If anyone else reports seeing her, please send her by, it’s no bother (she’s quite good company).
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Lemme get this straight. The folks who tried to prevent a black girl from going to school in 1957 are opposed to their grandchildren learning about how they tried to prevent a black girl from going to school in 1957. #whenyouputitthatway

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To the Brother Who Broke the Drivers Side Window of my Honda: you probably think I’m mad about what you’ve done, and truthfully, that was my first reaction. But as I’ve had time consider, I’m just really confused. Why did you need the 78 cents of sticky change in my console? You need drugs? I understand, let’s get you help. You need food? The community will feed you, just ask. Do you need the rush of a criminal lifestyle? Listen, that’s nothing compared to the surge of outrage you will feel when you educate yourself on the injustices stacked against you. Nor the cold bliss of determination to change this shit, against all odds. I hope you read this. Peace.   ~William

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I think it’s cool that Jeff Bezos sent William Shatner to space. A real feel-good story. Captain is 90. Good for him. But you know what would be even cooler? Jeff Bezos paying his fucking taxes. That would be cool af.  #payitforward

THE NATIONAL DOG SHOW IS BACK!! November 20 & 21 – Over 2,000 of the AKC’s top dogs from across the country compete for coveted titles, including Best in Show. Saturday is the famous national telecast to be broadcast Thanksgiving Day on NBC. Sunday offers more family-friendly activities, demonstrations and hands-on fun. Tickets are limited, purchase through TicketLeap.com.
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Me and Wade. We found a connection that missed on so many marks: a match made in Neverland or the Land of Misfit Toys. When I told him to stop calling me, he texted. I forwarded the texts to my friend Nathalie, who promised to let me know if his messages got weird. I was literally the only one who was surprised when they got married this summer. What are you gonna do?  ~Mel
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Homeschool Harry’s the name, wasting time is my game! My mom went back to work and now her friend Nancy is supposed to be doing the lesson plans but she just comes over and we watch TV together. Right now I’m using her pink phone and she’s taking a call upstairs on the black one. Fart Fart Fart Turds You are a poopie head!!!
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Help Me Find My Treasure Box! About ten years ago, I buried a good sum of money in a small gray ceramic box under some azaleas in Fernhill Park. To mark the spot, I piled distinctive rocks exactly 7.5 feet to the left of where I dug. Then I moved to Jenkintown. Fast Forward to now, it’s time to retrieve it. But I can’t find my rocks! I don’t know if someone took them or I just don’t remember enough where they are. Everything looks so different. And actually now that I think of it, maybe it was Vernon Park. Whatever, halvsies if you can help.  ~Sheila
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Hey lady who dropped the $50 into my guitar case last First Friday when I was out busking with my acoustic. Did you mean to give me so much? Was it because you like my music? Maybe I reminded you of your son or someone you used to know a long time ago, when you were young and pretty and full of life? (I’m guessing the third one, judging by the look in your eyes.) Hope you’ll come out to one of my shows.  @Ryancookmusic

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For Shonelle:
Your affection is my affliction:
Your love burns cold as ice,
Your smile’s a stab right through my heart,
Your touch is paradise.
I dream we’ll be together
I fear we’ll never part.
Let’s vow to end our romance
Before the feelings start.
~Frustrated Freddie

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Shades of Scarlet – Let’s talk auras. Me, I’m a fire engine red. You’re more candy apple. We’re both pretty radiant but you’re cooler, with blue undertones. Yes I am talking in code. Do I have to spell it out? <wink wink>  ~Red Rover Come on Over (next time you see me at game)
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DID YOU KNOW…? The motto “In God We Trust” was not adopted by our founding fathers but by Congress in 1956 in response to fears of “Godless” Communism. Our original motto was E. Pluribus Unum, which means “One Out of Many” and reflected our heritage of diversity and tolerance. #Facts

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This is for Scott in his tight little Germantown studio where he records music and rescues cats. You told me you were single and celibate — doing penance for being a shitty boyfriend in the past. You don’t remember but I was one of the girls you shit on. We hooked up then you ghosted me, no biggie, but I’ll never forget that big map you had in your dorm room, Tenochtitlan and the Aztec empire. Speaking of human sacrifice, I still have a thing for you. I’m open if you want another go.  – Jennifer
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Affordable Computer Services for GenX  —  Let’s face it. You’re not getting any younger. You could drop at any time, and all your loved ones would see your browser history. Eww, right? You don’t have the time to chase after this stuff! But we do. Let us clear your browser history regularly and remotely, and we’ll also turn off any “security” defaults saving your private business to the Cloud. Call us for peace of mind.  O-fx.com  #nojudgment

Wow what a night. First date and – surprise! —  we’re having dinner with her parents. Here’s what she said, “Please help me look good! Say that we’re married and that you love me, I’m the best thing that’s happened to you, yadda yadda yadda just play along… ” She was gorgeous and I didn’t think, I just went Okaaaaay…. And the next thing I knew, some old man was grilling me about a law degree I didn’t have. Of course that blew up. As everyone was shouting, I had a chance to chat with the waitress who kept refilling my iced tea. We agreed that if I described my night in a Missed Connection, no one would ever believe it. This is for you, Tina!  ~ Jeff (I bartend at the Bonefish Grill come see me)

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What are the odds? Roger! It’s me, Brian! I wanted so bad to say something last week when I recognized you in the audience at the DoubleTree’s Murder Mystery Dinner Show – but I was in character, and all. I didn’t know you moved back, we should do lunch sometime. Unless you’re still dating Rhonda in which case eat shit and die. #youknowwhatyoudid
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FOUND IN EAST FALLS (Coulter St near park)
Women’s trench coat, gray, with an orange sash, fur collar, and a very peculiar tag. It’s been custom-made for someone and personalized with several names and a symbol I’ve never seen before. Maybe Princess Grace’s coat? If it is, finders keepers!!! I’m Karen.
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LOST ON THE R6! Shipment of psychedelic toads intended for local herpetologists who were totally not planning any kind of groovy light-stick party. They’re in a green box with holes on the top. Thanks.  ~ Professor Jerry (at Temple let’s say)
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SPM: We weren’t friends, we were just hanging out way late after a show at the Old Academy Playhouse, what seems like a million years ago. Even then, it seemed a dinky venue for your talent. Now? Sky’s the limit and I couldn’t be more jealous. I should probably get some therapy.  ~Madam Flutterby
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Terry it’s Jim: I’m sorry but I didn’t see anywhere on your profile about you being a pot dealer??? Wtf?! Literally, a train of customers in and out the whole time we’re at your place, trying to have a nice dinner. Here I thought we were on our third date. What a frickin joke. Here’s a receipt for our breakup so you can’t say I ghosted you.
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The joke’s on you, Marcel — I don’t even know what “bourgeois” or “vacuous” means so I couldn’t possibly have written that email. Stop trying to set me up!  No one likes a sore loser.  ~Stan
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#Truth: It was all fun and games until she had to go check her 4chan feed. BYYYYYYE. Lose my number, Eva Braun. @ADL
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We all thought it was a scream when Laura turned her dinner roll into a hand puppet with olive eyes and a butter tongue. Looking back though, we were kind of making a scene at the Four Seasons. I can see why Del got pissed. Also, Laura is 38 and should know better. I feel a little guilty for egging her on, don’t you?  I am curious what you think. Call me?  ~ Brockworth Jr.
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FIRST DATE IDEA:  Dinner at IKEA, followed by a leisurely stroll through all the different little sample rooms. I’ll pick my favorites, you tell me yours. It’ll be like we’re nesting, but completely theoretical. Great people watching, too. Who’s in?  ~ Vicks  PS Mmmmmeatballs!
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When Goth Greta said she was a “unicorn hunter,” I had to call her out. I was like, “That’s the opposite of goth” but then she explained she wasn’t seeking them to bring joy to the world, but rather tracking them down to “shoot them, skin them, eat them and make a wicked necklace with their horn.” Omg! That’s dark! ~Sweet Celeste
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Holy crap, it’s rough out there. My last fling was so full of himself, he thought he was g-d’s gift to women. I couldn’t only stand his bragging and demeaning ways so long. One night at Le Bus, he was eating like an animal and the girl at the next table was giving me Class 5 sympathy looks. He went to the bathroom, I went right out the door. (I didn’t say it was a good story.) ~ Barb B.

HEY RAY: Where is our relationship headed? More importantly, do I even know you? There’s a good chance I picked the name “Ray” out of thin our, without any particular person in mind. Maybe I’m trying to manifest a partner? Then again, I could be deliberately wasting your time. Find out and DM me!   — Kleo
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LIKE BIKES? Philly Bike Expo celebrates ‘em like no one else! This exciting event showcases artisans and manufacturers from around the world thru demos, workshops, seminars – even kid activities. NOV 6 & 7 at the Phila Convention Center (Broad & Cherry). Tix $20 at the door, $15 online ($25 for 2-day pass)

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WANTED: Real Love. No experience necessary. Benefits to commensurate with performance. Inquire within. #namastebitchez

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Western Cultures believe we must be alive for a purpose, ie to work, to make money, to produce. Some indigenous cultures however believe we’re alive just as Nature is alive: to be present, to be beautiful and strange. We don’t need to achieve anything to be valid in our humanness.  @FirstNations

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I’m Not Laughing – Some dating site chick I’d never personally met before set me up to get pranked by some assholes making crank calls at 5:30 in the morning. They pretended to be calling from the coroner’s office, where the joke was they were describing me as the body I have to identify. Get it? Me neither. Also no one bothered to check if I had a twin, which I do, so obviously that’s where my mind went when I was told someone who looked like me was at the morgue. After they finally got me to calm down, she got on the line like “Oh wow I got you good!” They gave me a $75 gift certificate to Red Lobster that I am not inclined to share with this awful woman. Anyone care to join me?  ~ Hakim

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Daisy, do you read these? I saw a paper open to this page on your bathroom floor, last time you let me crash. Just wanted to say thank you again in print, where everyone can see what a badass friend you are and how much I love having you in my life. That is all. ~Mac

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If anyone knows a Dave in Roxborough that is writing a novel about dating a girl from East Falls in the early 90’s you should know it’s TOTALLY FAKE and none of that happened and he’s just mad cause I dumped him for a REAL FALLSER!!! ~ Meg  PS don’t read it no matter what

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This Notice is to Revoke Internet Privileges for Taylor B’s boyfriend Kyle who pretends like he’s being funny with all the porn but more like he’s probably got a problem. Taylor, we love you girl but get him help. – P, D & S

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Do I have a kink? Sure do. Watching people eat a dish I’ve made, and they say “Really? You’ve never made this before?! It’s the best xyz I’ve ever had!” And then I just watch them… enjoying… Awww yeah….  @crave_nik
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To the older woman with very sexy feet at the Chelten bus stop: wow those tootsies! So perfectly polished and round. I wanted to compliment how exquisitely wedge-shaped your bunions are, they’re like little tomahawks poking defiantly out the sides of your shiny designer sandals. Forgive me for staring, speechless, until my driver whisked me away. If you’re interested in a PLATONIC foot rub, I’ve been told I give the best. ~Mike Pence

We hope you have enjoyed this Month’s MISSED CONNECTIONS!

Reply or place your own listing in one of three ways: 1) comment below 2) text 215-498-8874 or 3) email DrKarl@nwlocalpaper.com. If you are responding to an ad privately, please be as specific as possible so that Dr. Karl may properly assist. Thank you, my friend.

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About Karl Von Lichtenhollen 36 Articles
Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen is a doctor and fellow of the Applied Knowledges at Blödsinn Universität in Munich, Germany (1973). He was born and raised in the Nether Regions area of Holland, near Tainte, which he refers to fondly as a "Dutch Wonderland." Dr. Lichtenhollen once shared a houseboat in Amsterdam with the cast of a geriatric production of HAIR, inspiring his famous essay, "That Which I Cannot Unsee." He is a three-time recipient of the "Iron Feather" award. His hobbies include ascots, Highland wool sweaters and his pipe. He has a cat.

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