Missed Connections: May 2021

Punctiliously gathered, gradually warmed to body temperature and adapted for film, television & radio by Dr. Karl von Lichtenhollen

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Sure babies are cute but one day they grow into gangly preteen creatures that tell you you’re being “cringe.” Bro how am I being bullied by a person I had to teach to use the potty?  ~Emma’s dad
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To the Winona Crew: Yes I came to the BBQ to check Pauli out but I was also there for Italian sausage, literally, which Billy’s dad makes from scratch and never disappoints.  It’s cool tho. ~Jamie  #stillsingle #dontask #dicpics

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Nothing to see here. Just a meek, unassuming white male, early 30s, with a nasally voice and practically zero muscle mass. I’m not sure why I’m here, I don’t even like people. I guess I’ll see myself out as soon as I roll my eyes at all your drama. ~ Luke the freelance IT guy

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Hello it’s Steven from the water ice van. We don’t know each other yet but we could. My interests include computers and bottles shaped like fish. The ashtrays I mold from homemade clay sell well on Etsy –do you think this means I’m encouraging smoking? I don’t want to do that. Let me know how you feel!

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Oh Lovely Lady Asteroideas
Your slender, shapely legs bewitch!
Lop one off, you’ll grow another,
You regenerative bitch.
Love, Patrick

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WANTED
Participants for informal 12 month LSD experiment for private investors. Communal lifestyle in a mansion at an undisclosed location. Clothing optional. Must have broad social media reach and general lack of boundaries. Email richard@PUAmedia.com
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First they came for your hamburgers and I didn’t speak out because NOBODY IS COMING FOR YOUR HAMBURGERS! Are people really this stupid? #stopthelies

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Second Hand Hottie. One Saturday last month we kept running into each other at every yard sale in town. We were the first two Early Birds at that big one by the East Falls train station and then our paths must’ve crossed a dozen times after. You were the best find of the day. Why didn’t we exchange digits? Hope to see you out treasure hunting again… ~Dory
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Stella: you came and chucked a fistful of stars into my eyes, then had the nerve to disappear. Now I watch the skies, hoping for a glimmer of your glory. Dimly (but still aflame), Blaze

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Amanda: we have a Devil’s Watering Hole in my local park, I’ll take you sometime. It’s somewhat dark and secluded, it has long been a popular destination for birdwatchers and hikers. And human fecal matter. Sure we can dunk our feet but you can’t go deep or the filth and parasites will find their way inside, if you know what I mean. Still, it’s a great place to picnic! ~Lizzie  #visitphilly

Hey what’s your favorite?! I’ll do me:
Movie: Mannequin Two
Song:  Huey Lewis “Heart of Rock ‘n Roll
Food: Cheese (runner-up: candy orange slices with granulated sugar, yum!)
Pope: John Paul II, Innocent III (tie)
Holiday: Christmas!
Color: Green
Team: Eagles of course
Now do you! I’m Audrey! This is fun isn’t it?!

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Pleasure is distraction. Contentment is connection.  – Russell Brand (b.1975), unlikely voice of wisdom

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VIBING 4 U: This energy I feel I know is you. Have our eyes already met? Have we brushed past each other, in corporate hallways or public gatherings? Can you sense this same existential need to connect? Reach out if you find me, and I will do the same. ~Shel
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Sporty Spice — Jess is the name, pickleball’s my game. I’m also a ringer for lawn bocce. Frolf, you say? Not my jam but I’d rather do that than cornhole any day. Who’s with me? I’ll bring the White Claw, if you’ll share your gummies.
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Oh Claude, lighten up. Some things just are, we don’t need to overthink them. I’m here, aren’t I? That’s gonna have to be enough. ~Celeste
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Jenny, sweetie, was that you eating a Whopper outside Chelten train station at 2 am Monday before last? I’d know that rainbow mullet anywhere! Good to see you’re back in town, come out for Sunday dinner when you can.  Love, Aunt Dorcas

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This is for Georgie, who called herself “skittish” and “gun shy” on our first date. Girl, I’m not trying to corner you, I just think you’re cool. I’d be nice to get to know you better. Eventually. Don’t sweat it, please. ~Jeremy

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nuqneH! I’m nerdy, dirty, inked and curvy. HELL YES I wear Star Trek underwear with Star Wars socks and I don’t care who knows it. I’m a rule breaker, baby, get used to it. Or not. Haters can keep on walking. If you feel me, reach out. ~ Vixis

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Maybe I’m just too demanding? Maybe I’m just like my father, too bold? Maybe I’m just like my mother, she’s never satis-
Therapist: Get out.

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REMEMBER, KIDS: if you see someone shoplifting food, no you didn’t. Follow me for more community tips! @NSMPhilly

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People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal. #indoorvoices

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Good Day Sun Shine!
SPRING/SUMMER HOURS
at EAST FALLS FARMERS MARKET
10am – 2pm under the Twin Bridges
Crafts, produce, fresh meats,
artisan foods, community
@eastfallsfarmersmarket

Eastfallslocal.FarmersMarket-1.jpg

Two conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. You can’t tell me that’s a coincidence! #rimshot

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Kali, you had to have known you’d freak me out with that impromptu midnight séance at your parents’ house. The question is, did you realize you were binding that demon to me with your incantations? Accidents happen but if I find out you’re trying to have me possessed I’ll never forgive you. Next time I’m doing the scrying. ~ Safely Satanist

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To all the neighbors who complain about dog shit on community Facebook pages: thanks, but everyone already knows we’re supposed to pick up our dog’s shit. When someone leaves a steaming pile, it’s because THEY DON’T CARE – so your posts are a complete waste of time and furthermore make us all think of dog shit when we see your name. Stop it. Move on. You can do it. ~ Beth
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Serious Q for Jarod: Why would you want to put me in a cage? I’m free range! We all are. People do not “belong” to other people. Relationships are so much richer when you can embrace that. I want to be with you but you have to understand me. ~Ezra
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What’s that sound?! That’s love calling!!! Daring you to come out and play. You’ve been sitting on the sidelines long enough. Get it off the bench and onto the field. This is your time to shine. Remember to have fun out there! ~Coach

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Happy birthday to my wife, Constance Payne, who radiates through my life with an intensity of about 8 on a scale of 1 to 10. Here’s to another 40 years of tender, tingling sensations. ~ Andy Stezia

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QUESTION: How do you “get guns off the streets” without impinging civil liberties? It’s not an easy thing. IMO, guns and violence are symptoms. The cure is a community that cares about each other. ~Craig B.

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First off, Rick, thanks for letting me use your laptop, but now I’m wondering why you left all those porn windows open. Am I supposed to be impressed you’re still jerking off at 55? Ew. I’m your wife not your drinking buddy (tho it’s a bum deal either way). #Mamastoooldforthisshit

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You have the same exact name as a movie star that I won’t name here cause that’d give you away. We just had, hands down, the most fascinating conversation I’ve ever had while standing in line for a six pack. I hope you enjoyed your Spurrito. I hit WBC often, don’t be shy, if you see me say hi. All the Best, Marc
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DID YOU KNOW…? Cancel culture is when you lose an election and change the law so your legislature can cancel the will of the voters in future elections. #savedemocracy

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We met and struck an instant alliance. You said you felt neglected. All I did was listen. I’m here if you want to talk again. Promise I will not neglect you but I can’t let you sell yourself short. You know where to find me. ~Gwinnie
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The Good News: you slipped me a cute note with your phone number when passing the collection plate at First Word of God the other Sunday. I thought you were being coy when you said it must’ve fallen out of your wallet. But when I got home I realized it was just your dry cleaning ticket. Sorry for making assumptions, I guess I just got my hopes up. Have a blessed day! ~ Rev Roger T. Morgan

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Sex is great and all but have you ever fantasized about seizing country clubs, turning them into homeless shelters, and letting nature reclaim the golf courses? #swoon

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Ultimo Coffee was the site of this romantic composition: You shot me an over-the-shoulder Mona Lisa on your way out the door, and I flashed my best Velvet Elvis eyes in return. Have I framed this all wrong? Possibly. Let’s hang and find out. ~Leonardo

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#FREEBLACKMAMAS
Donate at PhillyBailout.org/donate
Goal = raise $90,000
to free Black women, femes &
gender non-conforming people

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PSA, folks! If anyone offers you Halloween candy in May, say no. Cause people’ll try to tell you that candy corn doesn’t go bad, but they’re wrong. When candy corn goes rancid, you’ll never forget that taste. It’ll scar you for life.  #hardpass

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Hey Germantown! Show me your V-card and let’s get busy. What I lack in looks, I make up for in availability and enthusiasm. Hurry before breakthrough infections shut everything down again. ~Vaxxed to the Max in a California King
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Hammie, we get shit done when we’re together but we’re sooooo much happier when we’re apart. Let’s see what happens if we stop talking for awhile. If you don’t hear from me, it’s working. ~Wanda
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Mom, I had the weirdest dream we were all back at the house, and it was so real, and everyone was so young and healthy. We were having an important conversation but you were washing dishes, and the running water was so loud I couldn’t catch what you were saying. I think it means I feel some guilt for things unsaid. Also I gotta stop eating Thai after 10pm. Happy Mother’s Day in Heaven! – Julie

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My sweet Charlie. So cute, clever and sometimes crazy. And tan and shaggy. I know we just met but I can’t imagine my life without you. Love, Sandy #rescuedog #puppylove Acctphilly.org

When Uncle Dave left me his black Beatle Boots, I never imagined I’d wear them out. But they were so sharp, and fit me like a glove. I slid them on recently for a quick trip to the store. Fact: It’s impossible to wear these things without strutting. I am one sexyass rooster! Hear me coming, with my Cuban heels clicking crisply beneath my feet. Get some of this, folks!  ~ Keith #yeahyeahyeah

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This is to Ryan, the stupidest ex-boyfriend ever. You think that for an animation developer you’d know better than to use your ex-girlfriend’s likeness without her permission, especially in a VR game where players score points whenever they slap the avatar that looks like me and call her a whore. Hey dumbass, I’m in advertising. A lot of my clients are in Big Pharm. Congratulations, you’re now the face of Erectile Disfunction.  – Amanda

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To my endodontist at the Navy Yard: On the one hand thanks for the incredible oral. But on the other, I find your after-care instructions inconsiderate and even cruel. No smoking, spitting, or sucking for an entire week?  What are we, animals?  ~Freddy Fallser Face
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FOR SALE: Essential photons for wellness and vitality, personally attuned via an age-old tradition handed down through generations of crones. CashApp $20 to @witchhazelnutPHL for instructions on how to obtain proprietary access to the Universe’s most life-giving rays.

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Anyone missing a blue tarp? Randomly showed up on our porch today, no idea how it got here. I was scared at first cause there was a person in it but then they got up and walked off like everything’s cool so I’m like okaaaaay. Winona Street near the park. I’m trashing it if no one claims. ~Jim
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Hey “Lulu1968” — I found your satchel and sketchbook with some really nice illustrations. Wondering if you’d be open to collaborating with me on my next story, a children’s book about time travel. I went through your bag thoroughly and did not find any ID. Hope you see this!  ~ @EastFallsStan  DM me for link to my portfolio
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Dear Local Business Leaders: Complaining about being unable to fill empty positions because people make more on unemployment is an interesting way to admit that your company pays poverty wages. #weseeyou

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Attention NW Philly neighbors: be on the lookout for a giant Caucasian female juvenile with blue hair and dead black eyes that stare into your soul. Suspect allegedly came to life at a Mount Airy supermarket‘s Grand Opening, when a small child wished upon a package of Kettle Crab Chips. If spotted, remain calm and say encouraging things about sodium. Do NOT mention Tate the potato. Pics or it didn’t happen.

Image Credit: The Grocery Outlet (25 W. Horter St)

Hey Larry from the J bus. Hope you enjoyed the macadamias. Aloha! One day I may take you up on your offer of dinner at Ohana. Meanwhile we’ll always have volcanos. ~Hella Hula
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Hello neighbors! I’m 24 and in my last year of school at Penn State right now. I have been babysitting since I was 13 and have been a nanny, daycare teacher, and special needs gymnastics instructor.  I’m happy to give references! I am CPR/First Aid/AED certified for adults and children. If you want any more info feel message me on Facebook!  Caitlin Derry PS night/weekend hours best (I work full time during the day)

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LANA: I’m sorry. I promise that was the last time I’ll bring up your past — you’re right, it is hypocritical of me to try to shame you for stuff we were both doing when we met. Please come home. ~ A.J.

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Keep An Eye Out for this Dude… We went through the Wendy’s late-nite drive thru, he paid. As we’re pulling away from the window I snagged a few fries from inside the bag and he slammed on the brakes and was like “OH NO WE SAY GRACE FIRST!” so I sung out “Graaaaace!” with jazz hands and Dude looked so angry I took my burger and ran. Let’s keep this connection missed!  — Darrell

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Denise, come moon-watching with me. We’ll park at the plateau and let the skies put on a show above us on the warm hood of my Honda. Remember how we’d hold hands like this for hours? This time of year always makes me think of you. Miss you, girl.  ~Cody

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Look, I love nature as much as anyone but birds are pricks. Waking us up at the crack of dawn, squirting their liquid shit wherever they want. There’s a robin in my rhododendron that gives me the stink eye just for coming home from work. I don’t want your stupid little blue eggs anyway! Shoo! ~Martin G.
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You came in costume to donate blood. Vampire cape, wig, fangs, the works. Of course I wrote you off as a batshit attention whore, but then you changed my mind. Oh, I still think you’re crazy. But when I saw you work the room with your corny jokes in that ridiculous accent – I fell a little in love and haven’t been able to shake it. Wish I’d thought to ask your name. Gonna be donating every 8 weeks until I find you, unless you see this ad and hit me up.  ~ Byron

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“Better you than me” he said, which the doula agreed was an insensitive thing to shout as I was going into labor. Don’t know why I’m so surprised that Noah’s a deadbeat but I guess I figured he’d have to grow up sometime. Lol, right? Anyway, Avery, you were always the cute brother anyway. Come get to know your little nephew.   ~Chelsea
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Quit mocking me, Phil! You expect me to cow tail again – well, you’re wrong. It’s different this time. I refuse to be a prawn in your power games. The argument is moo!  ~ Joey

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The issue is not whether it’s legal to drive a dune buggy in Philadelphia, but why someone who lives in a 3rd floor apartment in the middle of an urban center would own a dune buggy in the first place. I think it tells you all you need to know about him, Jenny.

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Heads up, Mia! I totally forgot to tell you about Tam’s wife and kids. This is Darcy, his ex. We met at Murphy’s the other day, because you were leaving me all these crazy messages telling me to keep away from him? Lol! I don’t know what he told you but I left him. Cause he’s an awful person, which I’m sure you will find out soon enough. Anyway, I assumed you knew about his double life in New Jersey but just in case ask him who Sherry is. Good luck! PS I’m here for you if you want to talk

Is there a common link between motorbikes, Swiss cheese, Croatian guitar players, smart cars, cloned sheep, Belgian cats, duck-tolling dogs, bad coffee, monobrows and Irish cops? Well? Is there?  #DaringtoWonder
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My darling Lelah, one thing about me is, I love to travel. There’s an overnight bag under the bed, packed and ready to go at all times. Just in case I feel the call of the road! And a briefcase full of 100’s, cause you never know. And a black bag with a wig, change of clothes, and some documents for my next adventure, wherever that takes me! (Don’t look in the red bag.)  #freebird #onthelam2021
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NW Philly Feldenkrais Method is coming! Local group starting for fans and practitioners of this uniquely modern approach to body awareness/muscle retraining. Read more at Feldenkrais.com or follow @bob.chapra
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PSA for Ladies on Dating Sites: When your profile says “looking for my happily ever after,” that comes off really forward. It’s like me putting in mine, “hoping to have sex in the first ten minutes.” That’s weird, right? How bout we keep our expectations to ourselves, and just get to know each other? Thanks!  ~Derrick
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Gently Down the Stream I row
Merrily all the way.
The river shines like glass below,
All the live-long day.

The sun is in my eyes, my love,
The wind is soft as fleece.
A whistle from the train above
Brings sudden, sad release.

I say a prayer and wish you well,
In all that you will do.
And every time I see that bridge
My heart will sing for you.

Love forever to Bobbie from Mitch

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Dieter J. Weber, it’s astounding how much we have in common, including remarkably similar addresses that would explain why I keep getting your mail. From the court notices to the bondage catalogs, it’s like we’re living mirror lives. Are we soul mates? Partners in crime? Nemeses? Aren’t you curious? Hit me up.  ~ Danae on East Chelten

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Tammy’s Tips for Curing Chronic Illness:
1. Avoid meat, dairy, water and people
2. Do a yoga
3. Keep every pocket full of kale
4. Coconut oil on everything
5. Most important: think positive!
#tammystrong

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OK for the last time, Dean. A bunch of us neighbors got together about Brian’s chickens — who technically he’s not even supposed to have. I don’t know how Mr. Stohlfutz turns a blind eye but then it’s his apartment building. I’m getting off-track. So we agreed to post photos of Brian’s illegal chickens on Facebook, but then turns out they’re adorable! So now the whole world loves Brian’s chickens! I’m like, “No no no they shit on the lawn, they tear up my garden, they got to go!” but everyone just calls me Karen. Yes I know that’s actually my name but they don’t know that. Sheesh. ~Karen

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UNFUCK YOURSELF! Be who you were before all that stuff happened that dimmed your shine. Hold your head high and live fearlessly. Glow. @spiralq

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My dentist told me I needed a crown and I was like, I KNOW, RIGHT?! Don’t make that face, life’s too short to be a sour puss!  ~Miss Debbie

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I don’t want self-driving cars. I want boring things like regular, reliable public transit and a high-speed passenger rail to move around the country as easily as Europeans flit around their continent. I want cities that aren’t built around cars and highways. Thanks. – Joe Citizen

Thank you for reading this Month’s MISSED CONNECTIONS.

Reply or place your own listing in one of three ways: 1) comment below 2) text 215-498-8874 or 3) email DrKarl@nwlocalpaper.com. If you are responding to an ad privately, please be as specific as possible so that Dr. Karl may properly assist. Thank you, my friend.

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About Karl Von Lichtenhollen 31 Articles
Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen is a doctor and fellow of the Applied Knowledges at Blödsinn Universität in Munich, Germany (1973). He was born and raised in the Nether Regions area of Holland, near Tainte, which he refers to fondly as a "Dutch Wonderland." Dr. Lichtenhollen once shared a houseboat in Amsterdam with the cast of a geriatric production of HAIR, inspiring his famous essay, "That Which I Cannot Unsee." He is a three-time recipient of the "Iron Feather" award. His hobbies include ascots, Highland wool sweaters and his pipe. He has a cat.

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