Missed Connections: April 2021

A fertile and fatuous stew of the finest community hearsay & tittle-tattle. Furtively compiled for you, personally, by Dr. Karl von Lichtenhollen

Liberal Small Talk — We run into each other on SEPTA a lot, this last year we’ve grow closer with every national crisis we’ve had to discuss. “Stop the world, I want to get off!” has become our corny catch-phrase. What I wouldn’t give to know what other thoughts and opinions you might share, if we spent some time together. Hoping you see this and reach out next time we meet. ~Ryan

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Trevor from the mailroom: If by “clubbing” you mean making and eating club sandwiches, then yes, I love clubbing and agree we’d have a great time. Otherwise, I’ll see you Monday.  ~ Taylor (the ginger)

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Help me decide, guys. I’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or a large one to share with the whole table. #DecisionsDecisions

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THUMBS UP!  If you are looking for a landscaper, I want to recommend NAZARSKI LANDSCAPE SERVICE. Owner Jami did a great job trimming our overgrown yews. He also removed a huge juniper that had taken over our yard. Great experience, just want to give him a shout out! 610-304-2004   — Evvy E.

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Hi neighbors, we lost our Weber Grill in the last windstorm. If you saw it blowing around and thought it was trash, it’s not. We had it tightly velcroed down, but it still came loose. Please DM me if you see it. Sorry for inconvenience!!  — Amy (Vaux & Sunnyside)

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“We’re all just doing the best we can” is my response to literally anything right now. Whether you tell me you chugged a box of wine, took a 6-hour nap, set up the Christmas tree in May, stole a bus, gave yourself bangs… I’m here for you, whoever you are. ~Your buddy Bette

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Gee, G, I can’t believe after all this time I’m back to that weird night in 1987. Was it a date? Were we just hanging? You were a wall of white-washed denim with a feather roach clip in your hair. I rocked a spiky bleached mullet with Miami Vice stubble. I remember so much more. Hope we can connect after you’re settled in. Welcome home to the neighborhood!  — Tommy on Queen

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Omg Henry, you are a hot mess. I look at you and think “Wow what a piece of work!” Literally. Like, I think you’d be a great project for me this spring. We can start on your diet and communication skills, then move onto grooming and relationships. In exchange, I will rock your world (and maybe stick around if you make sufficient gains). Deal? Call me.  – Yasmin

Beer on a Budget! Oh no. Henry James Saloon is opening at 11 am every day now. Cheap food & bevs with a big outdoor patio in back. I see some very unproductive afternoons in my future….  — Todd N. by Jeff U.  PS Try the Brew City fries.

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Hi, I’m the blonde lady in the big ass Hummer that waved at you yesterday on Ridge. You seemed to think I was asking you take you out? No, you idiot, I said your brake light’s out. I’m not trying to pick you up, I’m trying to keep you from getting a ticket!  ~Kimmy
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Attention: East Falls Area Orgies will BEGIN OPENING UP this April. For more information, please join our popular ZOOM Happy Hours weeknights 6 – 7:30 (420 friendly). Free, all welcome, clothing optional. Contact @EFIllumiNaughty for link.

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Mr. Scott in the Tulpehocken Apartments. You don’t know me but my bedroom must share a wall with your bathroom cause I hear you in your shower every morning. You’re not bad but I prefer when you sing songs in your lower range (your falsetto’s a little thin). Also if you could save your Shakespearean monologues for weekends, I’d appreciate it. I find them a little too loud & raucous before work. Thanks, Your Unseen Neighbor

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NOW HIRING
Long-haired freaky people. Will train. Ask for Dean, Brian, Mike, Ted or Les but not Rick or Vern (just hang up if they answer).

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The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on the surface of a gas-covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away and think this to be normal, is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be. –Douglas Adams, author (11 Mar 1952-2001)

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Bobbi I must be straight with you. Can’t say I find any fault with the packaging, but when I look inside I’m not interested. No one’s disputing your beauty, baby, but your soul hygiene is sorely lacking. Think about it. ~ Manley Brookhouse
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WINTER HOURS AT EAST FALLS FARMERS MARKET
11am – 1pm under the Twin Bridges
Crafts, produce, artisan products, community
@eastfallsfarmersmarket

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LADIES: I enjoy being left alone. I am often awkward and uncomfortable around other people. I am very sensitive to criticism and can be stubborn when I feel I am right. I’m initially reserved and shy, but once I get to know someone, I can be quite open and vulnerable. Also when I am required to share personal information I almost always copy it off a horoscope page.  If you want to know me, reach out. ~ Marcus from the beer distributor

Shoutout to One-Eyed Mike with the wrecker!  There was an older gentleman in a late-model Cadillac that stalled on Calumet, idling to let another car pass. Had no luck trying to push him out myself – he rolled onto someone’s lawn and was spinning tires in the muddy grass. We’re so glad Mikey rolled up with his sweet eye patch. If you see him around, that’s a hero, folks.   ~Brian C.

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Fond Farewell After loving our 5 years as East Falls residents, my family and I moved this past week (but only a 5 min drive from here 😆) I just want to express my gratitude to this beautiful neighborhood, and for all the friendships we made here and all the great people we’ve been able to meet and see on a regular basis. We have had so much fun here. Thank you, East Falls ❤✌  Allison C.

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See a Tent? Mind your business. Instead of calling 311 to report an unhoused person’s only shelter, maybe you could do something about the economic conditions that put them out here in the 1st place? Don’t be a douchewaffle. Live and let live. @PhillyRealJustice

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FEEL BETTER: Professional Therapeutic and Swedish massage to suit your schedule. jaleelsmassagestudio.com Experienced and licensed #MSG008671

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REMINDER! It’s okay to:
-not be okay
-ask for help
-take a break
-not know what’s next
-say “no”
Signed, Everyone

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Remember! When you bury a body, cover it with endangered plants so it’s illegal to dig it up. Follow me for more gardening tips @GothGardening

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A Modest Proposal: all men who shame women for sex work should have their whole web search history made public. #ThoughtSo

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After a brief flirtation with paleozoology, I fell hard for the elegance of a good algorithm which led me to advanced degrees in computational science from MIT. My perfect guy will understand none of that! I spend so much time in super-smart circles that I’ve developed this weird kink for idiots. I see a blank look or hear an ignorant comment, and I’m instantly, powerfully attracted. It goes without saying I’m in an almost constant state of arousal in East Falls. Find me online, let’s see what we can do about this.  ~ Egghead Elliott

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Yo! I just saw two racoons wrestling over what looked like a Weber grill cover…? They came tumbling out of Dutch Hollow by Wiehle like some kind of screeching, whirling dervish. The big one broke free and took off down Indian Queen Lane with the little one in hot pursuit. I lost sight of them around Fiorinos, guess they’re headed for the river? ~Dennis

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The worst capitalist brainwash is being proud of your own exploitation. “I’ve worked 80-hour weeks since I was 17!” Oh sweetie. That’s not a flex, it’s a sad.  @SillySocialist

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Hey if anyone wants to spread some neighborhood love and needs a Ford, Mazda, or a Subaru I’d really appreciate if you gave me a shot. You get $100.00 cash if you refer someone to me as well. I’m super transparent and understanding of all credit situations. Will do my best to give my fellow Fallsers the best deal possible. Also have a huge pre-owned inventory as well. Thanks 🙏🏻❤️ John Carr at John Kennedy Ford Conshochoken  484-995-3980, fordofconshohocken.com

Who’s the coolest cat in town? Andre! He’s always been around but he’s never come up to me and hung out until just recently, I think he senses my newborn baby boy. Anyways Andre is a really cool dude, he’s like the ambassador to the neighborhood ☺ welcoming my son saying hi 👋 😊  — Chandler S., East Falls

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How Does the Brain Respond to Peer Interactions? The SDN team is excited to announce our current study: Social Processing Over Time, or SPOT! We are looking for adolescents aged 10-15 years old and their parents to complete a study with up to three visits to Temple University. If you or any of your family or friends might be interested in participating, please contact us and/or pass on this flyer! The best way to reach us is through our email (sdnlab@temple.edu) or contacting the lab directly at (215) 204-2544. Thank you all!

What to Expect: Create your own avatar! Play games in an fMRI machine and then complete the survey that follows.

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Food for Thought: Tattoos should actually make you more employable because it shows you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin, which is basically what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like. @RollingLikeThat

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GREAT It’s fireworks season! Can’t decide if I enjoy them more launched from McDevitt’s ball field or fired from the top of Falls Center’s parking garage. I especially love the sound at night when I’m settling in or — even better — when I’m walking the dog and she freaks out and my arm holding the leash makes this “POP!” sound when it’s yanked from my shoulder socket. I’m being sarcastic. Fuck you and your fireworks. — Tommy G.

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I’ve heard many white folks say “Where I grew up, we treated everyone equally. We had no concept of race.” It’s time you had an honest conversation with the Black people you grew up with to find out how much of your “bliss” came at the expense of their silence and forced smiles.  Rachel Gtownr

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“I was thirsty, and you gave me something to drink.”*
– Matthew 25:35
*Offer not valid in Georgia.

The Philly Goat Project is hiring!
10-15 hrs/week
$10/hour (trainees), $15/hour minimum (after training)
No Experience Necessary!
Must be energetic, reliable, passionate, and love the outdoors!
Must be able to get to the farm (6336 Ardleigh Street) in any weather.
BIPOC neighbors to the front!!
Check us out @phillygoatproject or at phillygoatproject.org
Interested? Call 215-460-7725 or fill out questionnaire on Facebook

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***Mmm Mmm Mexican***

Great news for El Limon lovers – they’re opening a new location in mid-April on City Ave, right next to Sardis. It’ll be a difficult but delicious choice!  ~Sarah N.  PS They’re also hiring servers and front desk staff  ellimontaquerias.com

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Susan, I have again received your large iced coffee from Dunkin Donuts. Not sure which delivery service you use, but they are delivering to the wrong address. PM me for pick-up before the ice melts. It’s on my porch.  — Donna up the street  PS Next time I’m drinking it.

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The only thing easier to buy in the USA than a gun is a Republican senator. #awwsnap

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MULTI-FAMILY YARD SALE
APRIL 10 (10am until….)

Hey neighbors! We’ve got a lot of cool items that deserve a good home! Including (but not limited to): home décor, jewelry, electronics, musical instruments, plants, shoes & clothing, vinyl & books, a standup paddleboard (!) and much more. Make us an offer, all items must go! Cash and venmo accepted. Fun starts at 10am. Please wear a mask. Thanks! Justine & Jeff, Lafayette Street (off Cresson street across from East Falls train station).

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It’s crazy out here. I live close to the corner of Pulaski and Schoolhouse. There are accidents here all the time. On Saturday night, someone drove down Pulaski and hit almost every car along the way. What is going on.??!?!?  Kimba K

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Cushy Smushy Loveseat
For Sale:  $100, incl custom slipcover
Very comfortable and only itchy in summer. Dogs love it.
Febreeze once a week and you’ll hardly smell the farts & bong water.

~Bobby G

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Don’t Be Stupid: It’s not cancel culture. It’s consequence culture. If being held accountable feels like an attack, you’re likely defensive because you don’t want to face how your poor decisions impact others. We see you. @LaraBSharpe

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True Story:  I just replaced the can of air freshener in the bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait. #mwahahaha

FOUND: Is anyone missing a Weber grill cover? I pulled one from the mouth of a giant catfish this weekend when I was fishing off the wall at Kelly Drive. I think it’s still usable, although it smells like low tide. If yours, call Clyde.

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**CURB ALERT**
Knox & W. Price
1. Milk crate full of plastic hangers
2. Rock that looks like a potato
3. Assorted jars with lids
4. Vintage oil portrait with lifelike human eyes
Warning: Pretty sure the rock is haunted (I know, you’d think it’d be the painting, right?)

~ Miss Julie

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Anyone know a good playground where a 45+ woman wouldn’t attract undue attention if she came out to use the swings sometimes, probably around sunset with a discreet thermos of rosé? I need ones where I can kick back & fly really high. Preferably the huggy plastic kind for my fat ass lol.  ~ Peggy L.

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Snake Lovers! Spider Fans! Come see Viper Vic at the Valley Forge Convention Center for your FREE Mystery Egg Sac, guaranteed to hatch in 48 hours with young from 1 of 7 popular pet trade species. East Coast Reptile Super Expo, SAT April 10, 9am to 4pm ($10 admission). Table #235.

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When I despair, I remember that all through history, the way of truth and love has always won. There have been murderers and tyrants, and for a time they can seem invincible. But in the end they always fall. Think of it, always. –Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi (2 Oct 1869-1948)

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MOBILE MECHANIC for maintenance, diagnostics
and more at your location of choice.

  • Brake Pads
  • Brake Rotors
  • Brake Calipers
  • Spark Plugs
  • Struts/Shocks
  • Oil Changes
  • Diagnostics & etc

Appointments available at your convenience.
Glenn Bryant 215-475-1980
pump1989@gmail.com

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Stop me if this sounds crazy but what if Georgia had a really big company that already produced bottled water? A company so prominent and important to the state that it wouldn’t be criminally prosecuted if they, say, distributed free water to everyone on Election Day. Hmmm. @Cocacola

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Today, in the news, excessive use of ! & ? are under fire….. What on earth is that all about ???????!!!!!! I am always so utterly adamant, surprised , incredulous that there can rarely be TOO many. Some people have said it’s TOO SHOUTY, well, bring it on!!!!!!!  ~Loud Lou

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If East Falls really cared about “aesthetics” as much as they claim to whenever new construction is proposed, they’d do something to improve what’s already here.

What’s with the “used-car lot”-style flags along Ridge? Do we need the tacky vinyl rooftop banners, drooping like they might fall off any minute? It’s almost like there are no standards for signage in the neighborhood? Smh.  ~Joe J.

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LEARN HOW TO SECURE YOUR RECYCLABLES PROPERLY, ASSHOLES! SIGNED, YOUR NEIGHBORS

^^^^

Just a general PSA: Don’t make assumptions about people’s trash habits and call your neighbors assholes. The recycling placed in a plastic trash bag and tied to our fence with this “pleasant” note, was actually recycling that blew over from across the street. How about we all give each other the benefit of the doubt and assume everyone is doing their best to keep their property tidy, and if there’s an issue, leave a note that will help you connect and troubleshoot with your neighbor vs attack/accuse them. Have an east falls life, folks ✌🏻💕

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Shootings in Philly, what’s the solution? What role do the police play? I don’t like them and have not found them helpful or effective in my 19 years in Gtown. My roommate’s cousin was gunned down in a car bc he was riding w someone that wanted another guy dead who wasn’t even there. (this was in Nicetown, btw). Police are next to useless when the violence is so random and systemic. #changemymind ~Garry

Thank you for reading this Month’s MISSED CONNECTIONS.

Reply or place your own listing in one of three ways: 1) comment below 2) text 215-498-8874 or 3) email DrKarl@nwlocalpaper.com. If you are responding to an ad privately, please be as specific as possible so that Dr. Karl may properly assist. Thank you, my friend.

Click Here for Last Month’s Missed Connections! 

About Karl Von Lichtenhollen 28 Articles
Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen is a doctor and fellow of the Applied Knowledges at Blödsinn Universität in Munich, Germany (1973). He was born and raised in the Nether Regions area of Holland, near Tainte, which he refers to fondly as a "Dutch Wonderland." Dr. Lichtenhollen once shared a houseboat in Amsterdam with the cast of a geriatric production of HAIR, inspiring his famous essay, "That Which I Cannot Unsee." He is a three-time recipient of the "Iron Feather" award. His hobbies include ascots, Highland wool sweaters and his pipe. He has a cat.

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