🌿🌸 MARCH strides in like a lion, shaking off winter’s chill and hinting at the start of spring. Whether we’re chasing rainbows, watching the world bloom, or just counting down to daylight saving time, there’s plenty to keep things lively.
As Women’s History Month honors feminist trailblazers ✨, Irish Heritage Month celebrates America’s unique connection with Ireland, coinciding of course with St. Patrick’s Day 🍀 (3/17). Other National excuses to party this month include Barbie Day (3/9), Let’s Laugh Day (3/19), and Goof Off Day (3/22). For those who celebrate through snacks, don’t miss Oreo Cookie Day (3/6), Pi Day 🥧 (3/14) or Cheesesteak Day 🥖(3/24).
The Full Worm Moon rises on the 14th 🌕🪱 – and it’s a Blood moon, too: a full lunar eclipse that’s also a powerful astrological event, this year in the sign of Virgo, which brings forth clarity and reckoning.❗🕰️ Our clocks jump ahead one hour Sunday March 9th, while spring begins on the 20th.
☀️🌷 Here’s to brighter days, spontaneous adventures, and finding joy in the little things. March, we’re ready for you! 🌼🌦🎉
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SEPTA -Lansdale/Doylestown Line: We were strangers sitting across the aisle from each other, and for some reason I said “Goodnight” when you stood to leave at your stop. You gave me a look!! But I have no idea what you meant. If I see you again and say hi or something, please be clearer in either encouraging or rebuffing me. Thanks! ~ Todd
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Came home today and saw the handicap parking signs in front of my home were removed the parking authority informed me that a neighbor sent them my wife’s obituary. Hope you feel better neighbor. Bark, bark, bark. – J.B. (RR+R)
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🚀📜 Thinking about Space Karen in the White House. Imagine being rich enough to do literally anything you want in the whole world, and then taking food and medicine from starving children to give yourself even more money. #FELON
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Wednesday Night Rides holds social rides every other Wednesday evening, generally meeting at the Art Museum but you’ll need to sign up for their newsletter (or follow them on Reddit) for specs.
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The big joke on Democracy is that it gives its mortal enemies the tools to its own destruction. – Josef Goebbels (Minister of Propaganda for the Third Reich)
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Have You Herd? Studies show that cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them. It’s literally a case of “in one ear and out the udder.” #dadjokes
TO THE STYLISH QUEEN ON THE BSL – My bad. Snapping a pic without asking? Not the move. But your fit was eating, and I just wanted to show my mom your drip. The way you clocked me upside the head? Deserved. I’m humbled. I’m reformed. If you ever drop a fashion line, lmk. ~ Demure in Fern Rock
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, FOREVER – Time moves forward, but memories still flicker like candlelight. Our last rain-soaked coffee at daybreak, the world ghostly and golden. You always did belong to the in-between places. Maybe you still do. Maybe you’re reading this. Either way—here’s to you, wherever you are. ~ Exton Eddie
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Consider This: If there is a single Nazi flag at your event, and the person who brought it doesn’t get attacked and chased off, then you are at a Nazi event. 👀👀👀
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I swallowed 100 duck feathers on a bet and now it’s been five weeks since and I still feel a little down in the dumps. 🤣🪶💩 #dadjokes
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Something I learned from trail hiking is, if you’re ever lost in the woods, don’t panic, don’t go off trail. Just say very loudly and clearly, “Elon Musk is no genius!” and several of the most undesirable men alive will appear out of nowhere to call you poor, then you can follow them to the parking lot where their Tesla has exploded. #StaySafe
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DECLARATION OF TRUCE: After a long and humiliating battle for territory, I formally concede the bedroom to Excelsior, Supreme Feline of This Falls Village Household (SE-52). In exchange, I humbly request blanket privileges, minimal claw-based reprisals, and occasional access to Sloane when appropriate. May this truce bring peace, warmth, and fewer judgmental glares. Long live Excelsior. — Your Loyal Servant Seth
Home Run at the Superbowl – This year’s Eagles parade took me back to 2018, when the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen made me a man—right there in the alley behind Dirty Frank’s. I was stunned, grateful, and way too shy to try to find you after. Were you out celebrating again this year? Do you ever think about that afternoon? Did you know I’d left the priesthood that morning? #GoBirds
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💔👀 I saw you… posting opinions online, unaware they were non-compliant. You were confident, expressive — maybe even passionate. I wanted to warn you, but I was too late. The auditbot found you first. Next time, let PATRIOTSCAN™ protect you before your words come back to haunt you. Call now for a FREE real-time speech evaluation.” 📢 @truloyl (register now while it’s voluntary and avoid the rush!)
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Yo Ter, I’m hungry for another one of your Goomad sandwiches. Hot and sweet if you know know what I mean. I’m al dente just thinking about it. ~ Mr Cannoli
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FOR REEL: When you said you were a “fish whisperer” I thought you were being suggestive, which sank your chances (sorry). Now Shannon tells me you’re a marine biologist with his own research yacht?! Omg, I love the sea! We should definitely spawn sometime. ~ Marina 🎣
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America is finally being run like a business! Unfortunately, that business has been acquired by private equity that’s laying everyone off and stripping it for parts before liquidating it to benefit foreign investors. 🤦 #WINNING
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I’m all in. I seen your dating profile. The only photos you have on there depict you: plunging a toilet in your dirty underwear, elbow deep cleaning your toilet, unclogging your sink by pulling out a fistful of I-don’t-want-to-know-what, changing a lightbulb, washing the biggest pile of dishes I have ever seen, and taking the trash out. You’re perfect.
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Roger, I’ve been thinking a lot about what you asked and it’s a really good question: How CAN I have any pudding, if I don’t eat my meat? I guess my follow-up for you would be, Will you accept the charges from the United States? I’ll hold. ~ Dave
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💣 TRUTH BOMB: Only caring about your own rights is exactly how you lose them. #RiseUp
Ms. Wolf, There you were, cutting the mustard like the boss that you are. I had to muster the nerve to approach you. Do you consistently meet expectations?! Um, no, you ARE the expectations. Flawless, icy cold, brutal efficiency. Taught and true in your aim. ~ Mr. Soft White Underbelly
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❓Does nobody want to impress Jodie Foster anymore? 👀👀👀
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Haunted Treasure Hunt — March 14-15 | Antique & Collectors Fair 💍🖼️ 🏺 Something stirs in the sea of vintage objects. A hidden collection of possessed and enchanted relics lies waiting—intermingled with period furniture, jewelry, art, quilts, and dolls. Only those with the gift will spot them. Think you can? Identify the most supernatural entities and the artifacts are yours—if you dare to claim them. The hunt begins soon. Come ready. Leave… changed. 👁️🔮 👻🕰️ ac-fair.com
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We must especially beware of that small group of selfish men who would clip the wings of the American eagle in order to feather their own nests. – FDR, 1941
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Mike? Lou? Sorry I’m bad with names! Faces, too. But I know there was someone I liked the other weekend (2/15) when my roommate talked me into going out to Devon with her so we could bowl with a bunch of folks celebrating a birthday, I think? I didn’t bring a gift. But it ain’t easy meeting people so what the hell. So on the screen the name was “LOU MIKE” — is this you? Tall, slim, 30’s dude in a black track suit that left nothing to the imagination. 👀👀👀 Skilled bowler, brought his own ball and shoes. I was two lanes over. By the end of the night, I’d changed my name on the screen to “HOT FOR LOU MIKE” but I don’t think you noticed. Oh well maybe next time. I’m Rena.
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Missy – this is your Shadow speaking. You said I was just a product of my environment. Wrong. I’m a product of your imagination. Time to deal with that. The negativity? That’s all you. The Voices and I? We’ve been supportive. We even gave good advice—like quit smoking (which you did, after I told you it repelled potential partners and gave you cancer). Still, we have to break up. If not for your sanity, then for mine. #LightsOut
Let’s not hide behind acronyms. If you oppose DEI, you should have to say the full phrase instead of just the letters. Have some guts! Say it, “I oppose diversity, equity and inclusion.” Bonus points if you can say which one of those ideals bothers you most, and why. Please go ahead and be proud of your opinions, but do be specific. It helps the rest of us understand better, when you try to justify it out loud. #WeSeeYaBoo
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Don’t Blow This, Human! You keep saying I need a friend. Well, this is it. Project MEOW’s Meet & Greet at the Discovery Center on March 8th. These aren’t just cats! They’re influencers! Feline icons with followers!! And you know my brand needs visibility. Please: show up for me. Wear that sweatshirt I like to knead. Tell them about the Churus. No dumb questions about “shedding.” My future depends on this. Hook me up, bruh. ~ Your Captive Tabby Roommate 😾 (PS if you miss this one, there’s another April 5th!)
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People on food stamps should have the decency to show respect and gratitude around full-paying customers. Also they should use a separate lane to not inconvenience other shoppers. When they make their purchases, the cashier should administer a little electric shock. Just the opinions of one humble Christian. #Blessed
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Golden Rule of Self Defense: Never do what your aggressor wants. If they say, “Don’t scream,” scream. If they say, “Don’t fight,” fight. If they say, “Don’t run,” run. They count on obedience to get what they want. Never give it to them. #resist
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SEEKING INFO: PIT BULL ATTACK (BROAD STREET) – On Sunday night after the Eagles’ SB victory, my daughter was bitten in the face by a pit bull wearing a Michael Vick jersey—you can’t make this up. The owners, a couple, ran off. She needed 15 stitches and will carry the scars forever. If you know who they are, there is a reward for information. Help us find them. Email with any leads. #Justice4Jalene
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🌎🙌 How wonderful earth could be if it had intelligent life. 🌈💖✨ #imagine
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🕵️ E. HAWKINS OF HARPER STREET – Jimmy the White Dude stalks Brewerytown, calling your name. A lost debt? A prophecy? A cheesesteak betrayal? Only you know. If you are E. Hawkins—or hold the key to this mystery—step forward. The streets remember. Contact via the wind, a payphone, or CL.
FOR BRANDON: YOU ARE ONE LUCKY MAN!! I have our first date fully planned. Also our 2nd, 3rd, 4th… actually, here’s a color-coded spreadsheet of our next 10. Romantic rooftop drinks, a scavenger hunt with personal clues (starting with “Find where I hid your car!!”), couples’ yoga, DIY pottery, matching friendship (and more?!) bracelets—essentially, you won’t be choosing your own meals for three weeks. Oh, and don’t be shocked when you find the (revised) honeymoon itinerary during the scavenger hunt. ~ YOUR NEW GIRL!!!!!
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Sister Christian, I’ll never forget our first day of classes at Our Lady of Turpitude. I was so nervous. You were not. You had the yard stick, so you tell me how I measured up. I’ll tell you one thing, I learned everything I know in that school. ~ Maxmius Meaticus
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Wanted: Egg Mules. Now look here, we got to move 20k+ dozen eggs and FAST. I don’t care who you unload them on: Cracker Barrel, IHOP, your church breakfast, the meringue factory – don’t matter to me. We need to move these fart grenades FAST before they hatch a problem. Will make it worth your while. ~ Sal Manilla.
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#REPORTINGFORDUTY In movies, a superhero arrives around now. In the absence of that happening, I am willing to coordinate a global army of middle aged women to sort everything out. We have so much anger! And also lots of combat trousers from the 90s. ~ Kate
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A reading from the New Intestinement (Bowels 3; 2-11): And ye, the dust of a thousand ground husks brought forth a new digestive covenant, and a morning’s mighty purging, white with foam. On the third day, a glorious stool arose, firm and true. Verily, he hath passed. And he saw that it was good. ~ Saul the Regular
💯💯💯 Today I learned 1/4 of American citizens would mortally harm 1/4 of American citizens while 1/4 tries to keep their head down, and the last 1/4 do their best to stop it. #Facts
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📱Morgan (XXX-0044) We took each other’s phones home by accident. No passwords. No fingerprint spy thing. Just full access. So… I saw those pictures. All of them. Your mom called. Call her more. Your electric bill is due Thursday. Pay it. Also—who’s Candy?! Oh, and I may have drunk-texted your ex. PLEASE DON’T GO IN MY PHONE. IT’S PRIVATE!!!! — Sent from My iPhone (But Not Really)
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🔎👀 If you’re worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you, remember that your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years! #dadjokes
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📢 This isn’t a triumphant Reich installing their master plan, it’s psychotic meth heads ripping the copper wiring out of the walls to try and find the Woke Machine that makes women not want to fuck them. This does not end well, people. 😵
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