Missed Connections: FEBRUARY 2023

Dr. Karl presents local listings for this month of love, history, and home team spirit. PRO TIP: click on names for more detail (and often contact info)

FEBRUARY – the third (and final) month of winter, named for an early Roman spring cleaning ritual (from the Latin word “februum,” meaning purification), also known as “cake month” to the ancient Saxons, who would bake for their gods at this time. Flower: violet. Gemstone: amethyst. Symbol: Rowan tree. Noteworthy birthdays: Charles Lindbergh, Charles Dickins, Charles Darwin, Charles Barkley, Michael Jordan, Dr. J, Dr. Dre, Ice-T, Bob Marley, Nina Simone, Yoko Ono, Smokey Robinson, Toni Morrison, Alice Walker, Rosa Parks, Babe Ruth, Hank Aaron, Steve Irwin, LeVar Burton, Thomas Edison, Galileo, Copernicus, Constantine the Great, Megan Thee Stallion, The Weekend, the phonograph, smoke detectors, submarines, peep show machines, paper money, digital voicemail, aspirin, and Teflon. 🤓

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🏌️‍♀️✈️🏌️🌴Hey! You got your golf in my getaway! No, your getaway is for my golf. Finally – the Philadelphia Golf & Travel Show brings two great things together for three days of star-studded competitions, presentations & PGA fun. Education, entertainment and great prizes, too. FEB 3 – 5 at the Greater Phila Expo Center, TIX $12 phillygolfandtravelshow.com

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Word of the Day: faamiti, a Samoan word for the high-pitched noise made by sucking air through tightly-sealed lips, usually in order to attract the attention of a pet. Also, Gerry, if you make that sound at me again, I will slap your damn mouth. ~ Donna Sue

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🏈🚴‍♀️🏈🚴‍♂️🏈🚴‍♀️ SUPER BOWL HYPE RIDE!!! Kickoff Superbowl weekend with Philly Bike Party! Don your favorite Eagles gear, slap some green shit on your bike, and join fans & neighbors for a rolling pep rally thru the streets of our fair city. FRI FEB 10th @ 8PM. Meet at the Rocky Steps (Museum of Art) and get ready to sing some fight songs! Byob + pd (pole degreaser). GO BIRDS!!! More info on Facebook event page. 🦅💚🦅💚

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I met you around midnight at the dig on Vine St, where they found all the old pots, bones, and crap that was so historic they had to stop building whatever it was they originally dug the pit for. You followed me through a hole in the fence, then disappeared on your quest for…what? I was looking for artifacts to sell on ebay. Lemme know if I can help you make some cash.  ~ Dougie

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We worked together at the Ac-a-me under a sign that spelled M-E-A-T, in a job that was going nowhere fast. I enjoyed when our schedules synched up, and we could ride the 27 bus in and out together. It’s been awhile though since I’ve seen you so I asked Matt and he said you left?!! For another job?!!! And didn’t even say GOODBYE?!!! Real nice, Sharon. I hope you read this cause f you. ~ Why bother signing this, what do you care about me? (Jill)

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This is for Tanya: damn girl, you’re like a John Hughes movie in that you’re cute and fun but also horrifying in many ways I didn’t originally realize. ~ Grandpa

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JANEECE our bond is strong and immediate b/c I’ve known you all my life. Lately when I dream about you, you’re going away somewhere and the sadness I feel is so powerful it wakes me up, and in fact ruins my entire day as I’m unable to shake the overwhelming pain of losing you. I don’t ever want to experience that for real. I don’t ever want us to be a Missed Connection. ~ Your Cosmic Twin

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Hey, Wanda, it was good to see you at the séance last night. Hope you remember me, I’m Dexter (in the Evil Dead tee). I was really impressed by how you channeled Bea Arthur, or whoever was coming through in that deep, gravelly voice. Anyway, I’m wondering if you know anything about the symbols written in the steam on my bathroom mirror, or the short, hooded creatures I’ve been seeing in my periphery. Let’s talk! @OldeCityParanormal

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Omg the problem with 10:30PM is that it comes exactly one minute before 2:30AM, if you’re not careful.  #goodmorning

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#NeverForget: History isn’t there for us to like or dislike. It’s there for us to learn from. If it hurts, that’s good because it makes us less likely to repeat harmful mistakes. It’s not ours to erase to protect some of our feelings. It belongs to all of us.

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FYI Y’ALL I’m a Germantown native. a DJ and all around handyman and a veteran. just letting yall know if you ever need to hire a painter, DJ, drywall hanger, help with moving, small electrical or plumbing fixtures or problems done I’m your Man. right now I’m kind of doing my own thing with my DJ and promo business but I need more $$ for my bills and family to live until I get back to regular work so feel free to inbox me or text me at 267-239-3690 I’m down. ~Darryl Prep Glover on Facebook

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Gondola Rides on the Schuylkill River — Fun! Romantic! Legal! (probably). A most unique and enjoyable experience, by master gondolier and male model Edoardo Caporaso. We’ll leave from the boat dock in East Falls for a glide through the neighborhood’s famous bridges until the water’s too deep for me to use my forcola, so then I guess we’ll drift where the current takes us. Are you up for an adventure?! DM for details.

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Welcome to My Head!
Me:  *tries to learn someone’s name*
Brain: Sorry we are at capacity
Me: How is this possible?
Brain: Angela, Pamela, Sandra & Rita
Me: Those aren’t real people those are Mambo No. 5 lyrics
Brain: A little bit of MONICA in my life
Me: Please stop
Brain: ThE TrUmPeTs!! 🎺🎺🎺

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What Say You? All voices welcome in the Virtual Meeting on restoration & development plans for historic Germantown Town Hall. Monday FEB 6 (7 – 8pm) Presented by Cindy Bass. Sign up by 3pm FEB 2nd for meeting link. 215-686-3424 for more info.

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Wednesday is Game Night at Young American Cider, featuring feisty competitors and a huge selection of popular board & card games – or bring your own! Hosted by Jesse, open to all ages. Drink & menu specials, too. 4PM – 9PM (6350 Gtown Ave) FEB 1, 8, 15 & 22 Youngamericancider.com (ask about brunch!)

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SEEKING one or two workout partners for “Sweatin’ to the Oldies” in my garage weekdays at 6am, sharp. Must be out of shape and ready to rock. PING PING!! Bonus if you look good in sweatbands. ~ Morgan Fairchild

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Anything seems possible if you don’t know what you’re talking about! #justsaying

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🏊‍♀️🏊☀️🌊Philly Needs Lifeguards! Teens & Adults to keep community pools open this summer. Great pay, free training, and good karma for bringing smiles (and heat relief) to inner-city neighbors. Sign up for certification with Parks & Rec, multiple dates available for maximum flexibility. $1o00 cash bonuses!!!  lifeguard@phila.gov for more info.

Ever notice that most people don’t “find god” when they are happy? It’s because the psychological tactics of religion work best on an emotional and vulnerable mind. When people are at their lowest, they seek something to fill the void. Religion is an excellent predator.  @ReligionInRemission

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Feeling Yourself – What was that you said when we spoke at the Nick Hakim show? Not the part about finding him through Spotify, the other stuff about your friends and coworkers, which rang so true for me in my own experience. You have black hair with strands of bold green in your bangs. Let’s pick up where we left off (we already know we like the same music). ~ Cometa Compadre

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Something we heard a lot growing up: Girls, boys mature slower than you, so make allowances for them. Instead, they should’ve been saying: Boys, girls mature faster than you, so look to them for good judgement and leadership.

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Just wanted to remind everyone Vault + Vine is still open during all the construction on Midvale. It can be frustrating to navigate around the equipment and debris but I try to visit them regularly because they are a great spot in East Falls that deserves our support. ~ Cassie M. on Facebook

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If you feel pain, you’re alive. If you feel other people’s pain, you’re a human being. ~ Leo Tolstoy (1828 – 1910)

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SOLD OUT! Who watches The Challenge on MTV? Come out to Helium Comedy Club for an interactive variety show featuring stars from the popular reality series, hosted by Derrick Kosinski & Scott Yager of the hit podcast. JAN 25 (2 – 6PM), 21+ better luck next time

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If you have a parrot and you haven’t taught it to say “Help they’ve turned me into a parrot,” you are wasting everybody’s time.  #ForReal

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Holy Carp! It’s the Philadelphia Fishing Show, where salt and freshwater fishing fans come to celebrate their passion. Come check out all the latest tackle, gear, apparel, art, electronics, and so much more. Featuring the Hawg Trough, a 5,000 gallon gamefish aquarium, and a stocked trout pond where guests can catch a live fish at the show! FEB 17 – 19 at the Greater Phila Expo Center TIX $12 phillyfishingshow.com

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Snoring is basically bragging about being asleep, so loudly, that it stops other people from sleeping. It’s like lying there screaming, “I’M HAVING A LOVELY SLEEP!” #grrrr #zzzzz

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Looking for Lisa from the NE? She worked at the Giant Market in Southampton for awhile, I got to know her when they first moved her to the bakery from floral/plants, after a massive die-off that wiped out all their Mother’s Day stock. Boy could she frost cakes! “Takes time,” she’d say as she swirled her spatula before my widening eyes. She must be in her 50’s now, a real legend. What I wouldn’t give to see her at the bowl again, mixing her magical buttercream. ~ Mr. Vanilla

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How’s YOUR week going? My husband just took a pillowcase from the dryer, put it over his head (thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed), then spent half a minute inside it, punching around for the neckhole before growling, “What is this, pants?!” 🤣🤣🤣 (No, I didn’t help him, I needed the laugh)  ~ Bad Wife

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If there’s an abuser in your friend group and you choose to stay out of it and not “pick sides,” then you indeed have picked a side. You are fostering a space that’s safe for someone to abuse others. Your neutrality isn’t harmless, it enables abusers by telling them “You are welcome to hurt people around me.” Don’t be that person. #standup

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You were wearing safety orange crocs – that’s all I remember. I know you told me your name but your shoes had all my attention. Looked like you had your feet in traffic cones! Was this a fashion choice? A dare? A paid promotion? Whoever you are, I have questions. I also have blue hair and glasses, so if you know who I am, I’d appreciate some answers. ~ Smurfette

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It’s so weird being over 30 —  I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties but now I sneak out of parties to go to my house! ~ Still Buttercup

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To the dude who did me a solid at the Mummer’s performance this year at the Convention Center (evening show): thanks again! When I said I owe ya one, I mean it. Lemme make it up to you. It would be my pleasure and (I’d like to think) yours. ~ The Guy with the thing

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😍✨ Enjoy a day of decadent pleasures at the Philadelphia Chocolate Wine & Whiskey Fest 🍫🍷 🥃 where you’ll sample handmade confections of every kind: fancy truffles, Macarons, petit fours, cake pops, pastries – even melted hot fudge creations and fondues from a thrilling selection of chocolatiers and innovative artisans. With craft beer, local ciders and non-alcoholic beverages, plus cheeses & charcuterie, too. SAT FEB 18 TIX $55 includes commemorative tasting glass & unlimited samples, pours, s’mores bar, and a different boozy milkshake every hour. (Prepared and packaged food also available for purchase). Chocolatewinewhiskey.com ( Gr Philly Expo Center)

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Birds are dinosaurs who shrugged off a couple of apocalypses. Some eat bone marrow, others drink nectar. They outswim fish in the sea. They politely disregard gravity’s demands. I am grateful to see them, grateful to feed them, grateful to know them. I wouldn’t hate it however if they stopped pooping on my car.  @incolorbirding

Enlightenment is a destructive process. It has nothing to do with becoming better or happier. Enlightenment is the crumbling away of untruth. It’s seeing through the façade of pretense. It’s the eradication of everything we imagined to be true.  ~Adyashanti, b. 1962 (American author & teacher)

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Hope P. Are you blowing me off? I’m not good at hints. Nor small talk, either, but I thought you and I could “banter” well with each other, I love how we chat when you swing thru our department. I’m always like ‘We should hang!” and you always agree but we never do so now I’m wondering if you mean it. You never answer when I ask you in person so maybe you will in print. Let me know if we can be friends and, if not, why not. ~ Bonnie in IT

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Self-discipline is tough because I’m the boss of me and that guy runs a real loose ship! #OGslacker

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🙌🖤❤️💛🎪🍻 OKTOBERFEST in FEBRUARY! Come one, come all to Philly Bierfest 2023 at the beautiful grounds of the German Society of Pennsylvania in partnership with Philly Roller Derby. Celebrating the state’s German brewing heritage, showcasing all manner of craft-brewed lagers, kôlsches, bocks and weizens with German food, entertainment and many imported goods for sale. 🍺🍺🍺🥨🎶🛍️ SAT FEB 25 (2 – 5:30PM). Tix start at $25 for designated drivers. Funds support both non-profit partners. Germansociety.org (across from the Edgar Allen Poe house)

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OK, BLOOMER! Come soil yourself at the Philly Home & Garden Show 2023, with 4,000+ sq ft of gardens showcasing new products, ideas and techniques. Great deals and surprises in the Flower Shop, Garden Market and Succulent Bar. Bonzai workshops and HGTV personalities! FEB 24 – 26 Gr. Phila Expo Center, TIX $10 phillyhomeandgarden.com

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Medieval Madness: I’m so tired of living like it’s the 1600’s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Will my friends die in the Plague? Who are these Puritans attacking how I live? I want some modern problems, people. Please! ~ Sir Sigurd on South

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Contact Sharp Cleaning Services at 267-3773620 to schedule your home or office cleaning. We offer a variety of services, including deep cleanings of kitchens, bathrooms and more. Follow us on Facebook!

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Yo this is for whoever’s been blasting the bass-heavy dance music on the 3400 block of Ainslie – wouldja consider toning it down, maybe a little? We’ve tried drowning it out with a white noise maker, but the noise still gets through. Any improvement in volume levels would be extremely appreciated. Thanks, your neighbors via @EastFallsRants on Facebook

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I asked my wife to act like a “naughty school girl” and she forged a note from her mother saying she didn’t have to participate.  #DadJokes

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MIA to PHL: we were probably the only two people in the airport so awake at that hour. You bounded to our gate ahead of your partner by several strides, your shoulder practically even with mine as we kept our brisk pace together down the long, empty hallways. You never even glanced in my direction, but I can tell from your potent profile that you are a woman of great strength and determination. God speed! I would delight in hearing from you, should you see yourself in this listing. I’m Mr. Henderson.

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JUST AN ANIMAL That’s what I am. Really need you to know that I’m in emotional survivor mode – there’s no malice or intent to hurt, here, I’m just doing the best I can. I loved you! But my expectations for our relationship were unrealistic, I should’ve known this but at the time I felt like such a failure. So I ran and hid. Not the best instincts, sure, but that’s me. I totally get it if you don’t believe this or ever want to be my friend again. But if I did hear from you, I’d be so happy. ~ B. Butterfly Wings

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The older I get, the more and more I miss the people I’ve lost over the years. Maybe being a tour guide wasn’t such a good idea after all.  #pensive

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Discount Dave & Busters —  Dude I just discovered this giant arcade called Arnold’s that has indoor go-karts, laser tag, and the WORST pizza ever but who cares? It’s so damn cheap! They have a full bar, too, so I don’t even mind all the kids running around. It’s right by the Expo Center in Oaks, we stopped here last month after the reptile show. ~ Billy Bob

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Hey Libs, I’ve had my gas stove running for an hour and didn’t even light it! I hope you’re not too triggered, lol!!!! Feeling really sleepy so might take a quick nap, but just so we’re clear, I’m never giving it up, you’ll have to pry it from my cold

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Caribbean Connection in East Oak Lane – Your braids were waist-length and beautifully colored a deep, rich caramel with tawny highlights. You walked the aisles of Chuck’s Market like you owned the place, and left with what must’ve been your weight in breadfruit. I asked where you gonna roast all those and you said you were making a rundown, and then I proposed on the spot, remember? Been thinking about your laughter, it’d be nice to hear it again. ~ In Tha Zone

I heard someone call a corn dog a meat twinkie and life just feels a different now.  #forreal

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My flight is delayed due to weather, but I did my own research on YouTube so now I’m certain we’ll be safe to navigate this storm. Therefore, I demand my spot in the cockpit where I can better inform the pilot and co-pilot how to remain on schedule. (That’s how stupid y’all sound to me). ~ D. Kruger

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Oh how I miss my lady friend, Dee for Delco where she lived last time I saw her. This skinny lil white girl with the loudest mouth! She’d ride the train all the way in to crash for a few days on my couch. We’d easily burn thru a z, watching the weirdest, funniest shit on TV. Before she’d leave, she’d make French Toast with stuff she lifted from the Whole Foods downstairs (I assume). Funny how some people stick with you. ~ Until We Meet Again

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ATTENTION NW PHILLY: The Queen Lane and Belmont reservoirs are being completely reconstructed with a pipeline connecting the facilities so they’re able to shut each one down as needed while still providing adequate services. The Water Dept presented their plan to the community this January, which can be viewed online at nwlocalpaper.com.

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Why Some People Be Mad at Me Sometimes: they ask me to remember / but they want me to remember their memories / and I keep on remembering mine.  – Lucille Clifton, American poet (1936 – 2010)

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My Darling Robin — I have graffitti’d your name with a heart and an arrow everywhere in the world, from Philly to Paris to Rome to Dublin. I’ve etched your letters in tree bark, upholstery, and fresh cement; on ironwork, tile, and tabletops. Pencil, ink, sharpie, and paint. I’ll never stop leaving your mark on the world. ~ Banksy-4-U

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Every day you’d wake me up with a big old sloppy kiss, Daisy. It was my pleasure to fix you breakfast, kiss you back. Let you out to sniff and dash. Pee and poop. Every moment to you was like a drop of gold. I love you and miss you. ~ Dad

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To the bartender at my cousin’s wedding in Radnor: they asked you to stop serving me because I was drunk, but I was like “Ah but actually I’m just very very baked.” Then to prove it I closed my eyes, extended my arms, and alternated touching right/left index fingers to the tip of my nose like they do in Field Sobriety Tests. You were so impressed you made me another old-fashioned, which I spilled down the front of my dress because I really was drunk and that test is bullshit, ha! But I do love gullible men, gimme a call I’m Angie near Manayunk

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The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed at the time because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like Yeah okay maybe the machines had a point. #whimper

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Who’s going to Challenge Mania Live this year? I’m going alone and would love to find cool people to hang with when I’m there, and maybe before/after the show, too. I have VIP tix, and a contact at Victory Brewing Company.  ~ The Cachinnator 

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One morning in a Chestnut Hill coffee shop, you caught the eye of a passing pedestrian from your perch by the window up front. I was fixing my order behind you, and when you turned to see me looking your smile was utterly captivating. Wish I could’ve stuck around, struck up a conversation. I hope you see this, and say hello. ~ Dekko

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Hush Puppy at UPenn – I stopped to pet the cutest basset hound today in University City near Penn’s campus. You had her on a red leash, and she was still wearing a festive collar from the Holidays. We talked about Cambodian food and Dancin’ on Air, and how both of us would look great in a mullet. How are we not dating yet? Please reach out if you get this.  – Members Only

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Long drives in West Philly, two three times a week. One arm on the wheel, while the other pulled you close. My how the months flew by! We met by chance, and I always knew you were just passing through. Still, I hold out hope to see you again. You know where to find me.  ~ Big Yellow Taxi

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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a self-checkout, screaming that there’s no unexpected item in the bagging area. ~Just Jen

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I don’t care what anyone says about Philadelphia, we are such an amazingly cultured city. Every place I’ve gone to this week, folks are talking about birds. Literally every day “let’s go birds!”, “how about those birds?” Can you think of any other city that loves the calmness and serenity of bird watching this much? I’ll wait. @TheRealAnnieChrist

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The night was warm and clear, though January. I was biking home through Rittenhouse when I saw you on the corner, outside Ten Stone, waiting to cross. I stopped to let you pass and you took off your headphones and said, “Nice beard!” I did the finger guns and said “Great bandana!” and then you made a face and I immediately regretted my choice of gesture but to my horror I winked (!?) and called after you, “Come up and see me sometime!” in the worst Mae West voice ever. I’m so embarrassed. If you ever see me again please let’s pretend this never happened. Thanks. ~ Socially Awkward Cyclist

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They still giving out tickets in front of Majors just for running in for your sandwich? That’s COLD, man. If you paying $3 for a hoagie, you ain’t afford no parking fine.  #Facts

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SHOPPERS #1 & #3: I didn’t notice a few items in the bottom of my Target cart; returned them once I got to my car.
SHOPPER #2: I lifted 88 boxes of stuff, hid them for 15 months, lied to police about having them until they came and took it all back.
MAGA: They all did the same thing!   🤣🤣🤣

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Black policemen were another matter. We used to say, “If you must call a policeman” — for we hardly ever did — “for God’s sake, try to make sure it’s a White one.” A Black policeman could completely demolish you. He knew far more about you than a White policeman could and you were without defenses before this Black brother in uniform whose entire reason for breathing seemed to be his hope to offer proof that, though he was Black, he was not Black like you.  — James Baldwin (The Evidence of Things Not Seen)

We hope you have enjoyed this Month’s MISSED CONNECTIONS!

Reply or place your own listing in one of three ways: 1) comment below 2) text 215-498-8874 or 3) email DrKarl@nwlocalpaper.com. If you are responding to an ad privately, please be as specific as possible so that Dr. Karl may properly assist. Thank you, my friend.

Click Here for Last Month’s Missed Connections! 

About Karl Von Lichtenhollen 68 Articles
Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen is a doctor and fellow of the Applied Knowledges at Blödsinn Universität in Munich, Germany (1973). He was born and raised in the Nether Regions area of Holland, near Tainte, which he refers to fondly as a "Dutch Wonderland." Dr. Lichtenhollen once shared a houseboat in Amsterdam with the cast of a geriatric production of HAIR, inspiring his famous essay, "That Which I Cannot Unsee." He is a three-time recipient of the "Iron Feather" award. His hobbies include ascots, Highland wool sweaters and his pipe. He has a cat.

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