Missed Connections: JANUARY 2023

Plucked fresh from local socials, then peeled, pressed and salted with care by Dr. Karl, your spiritual guide for the New Year and beyond. 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, 2023! 🎂🍾🎉 JANUARY was named for Janus, the Roman god of doors and transitions. It’s the coldest month of the year (and also has the highest divorce rate). Flower: carnation, Gemstone: garnet, Symbol: birch tree. Noteworthy births: Sir Isaac Newton, Dolly Parton, Mohammad Ali, Aaliyah, Elvis, Pitbull, Oprah, Amadeus, FDR, MLK, J.R.R. Tolkien, LL Cool J, Joan of Arc, Michelle Obama, Buzz Aldrin, Hayao Miyazaki, Volodymyr Zelenskiy, Hakeem Olajuwon, Cicero, Kid Cudi, Jim Croce, Eartha Kitt, Greta Thunberg, Coca Cola, Campbell’s soup, the light bulb and canned beer. 🤓

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🦫✨ Make Your Sawdust Dreams Come True! The Log Home & Timber Frame Show brings you face-to-face with the industry’s masters of rustic abodes and furnishings. 🪵🪵🪵 🪚🪚🪚FREE Seminars on design, financing, natural home care and more. JAN 13, 14, 15 at the Gr. Phila Expo Center at Oaks. As seen on CabinLife.com!

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True Story: if you say “mental illness” three times in the mirror, someone with a Live Love Laugh t-shirt will appear behind you and ask if you’ve tried going outside. #SAD

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WRONG NUMBER  What Happened to Carrie H. on Cambria Street? Lots of us want to know. Seemed she was all over Port Richmond for awhile there, but now it’s like she never existed. Poof! Where could she be? Have you seen her?  #wehavequestions

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Hey, June! I don’t love you because of your cool septum piercing, which I find extremely attractive. But more importantly, I was holding your hand as Doug jammed that little metal spike thru the space between your nostrils. 🤝👃🪡😨 So we share a special connection. Thinking of you, hope you’re headed back soon. ~ South Philly

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Wait, are you telling me the guy who cheated to get into college and cheated to get out of Vietnam and cheated on all his wives and cheated at golf and cheated students at his scam university and cheated donors to his fake charities has been cheating on his taxes? GTFOH! #shocked 😮😮😮 #sarcasm

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YOU: Bella Vista blonde biking by my office (11th & Washington) – the first time I saw you, I was captivated. The second time, I waved at you in the street and you flipped me off. The third time, I was scared you’d recognize me and call me out in front of the shawarma guy. The last time I saw you, your hair was different. It’s a long shot but if you see this, I hope you will grow those bangs out, they’re very unflattering. Thanks, Shawn

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For 2023, let’s normalize saying “Wow it seems like you really need to work on your time management skills,” when people brag about all the hours they work. #worklifebalance

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My sweet little cuttlefish! How I adore your social camouflage. How you seamlessly blend into every other person in whatever room you occupy. Like a human ghillie suit, morphing with the personalities around you. Undetectable — almost. I see you, darling, and you’re magnificent! ~ Waldo Himself

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ALL ABOARD! Greenberg’s Great American Train & Toy Show comes to town with a massive collection of toy/model trains plus marketplace & more that’ll delight beginners and life-long hobbyists alike. JAN 14 & 15 at the Gr. Phila Expo Center at Oaks. Tix $10. Free parking & excellent people-watching.

Sometimes I think about the guy at my poker table in Vegas who was kicked out after the pit boss noticed he was drunk. Security came over, asked him to say the alphabet starting with “M” and he replied, “Malphabet!” He was escorted from the room.  #lol

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Happy New Year! It’s a great time to start therapy, my practice in Bala Cynwyd has immediate openings. Free consultations, too, I’d love to connect calmmindtherapy.org ~ Megan M.

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Crutches? Sword tattoo? Waiting for the bus in Chinatown, it seemed to be taking a long time so I asked you if you knew when it was expected. You said you were actually waiting for your Uber, which you offered to split since we were both headed to University City. I was very tempted, but all too cautious. Big regrets now! Hope to see you again. ~ Scaredy Cat

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🤔🧠☎️ I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s telephone numbers is doing nowadays? Probably hanging out with the words to theme songs from old TV shows. 🎶📺 #GoodTimes

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NEW! Experi-mints! Collect all flavors! Mystery, Mystery Plus, Total Mystery, Extreme Mystery, Don’t You Dare, Oh No, You Didn’t, and Razorberri. You will never, ever, ever, ever know what flavor you’re getting. Even if you hate that flavor (ie cloves) you’re suckin’ on the “-mint”, Honey. The Experi-Mint, cause that’s where it’s at. Paid for by Experi-mints

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Planet Fitness. Chestnut St. One Friday in December (3pm-ish). I was washing up at the sink and you were changing into a long-sleeved Heather Gray workout shirt. I’m about 3 inches taller than you, and less inclined to feel self-conscious in locker rooms. Lemme know if you saw something you liked. 👀👀👀 ~ Center City

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Q: How many narcissists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.  #gaslighters

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Higher & Higher my darlings, this is the year to sweep yourself off your own feat, to unleash the universal largesse that is YOU. Begin with your bag, emblazoned with “Welcome to Canna Fest” and filled with samples, coupons, and info on hundreds of Medical Cannabis artisans. No certification? No problem, medical cards are not required for entry (however certification will be offered during showtimes). JAN 14 – 15 at the Gr. Phila Expo Center. Tix $15.

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Art is how we decorate space, music is how we decorate time. -Jean-Michel Basquiat, artist (1960-1988) 🎨 @PhillyArtBlog

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To the nice employee at Giant Supermarket on Columbus Blvd: thank you for your cookie advice, you saved me a ton of money on a decorating kit. You also complimented my sequined Santa hat and suspenders! It wasn’t until the cashier was ringing me up that it occurred to me that we might’ve been flirting. Were we? Because if so, I am definitely interested! Please say hi next time you see me.  🧑‍🍳 ~ Not Just Gingerbread

I don’t want to brag or nothin but, I just scored 85 out of 100 on the “Are You A Sociopath?” quiz. I hear that’s kinda rare, so I’m feeling special. In the mood to celebrate. Stop what you’re doing RIGHT NOW because I’m on my way to pick you up. To celebrate. I don’t care what you’re doing right now or how important you think it is. Focus on me. ME!  ~Me (!) (I’m outside right now, let’s goooo)

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Hello I am seeking a Miss Valencia – last name “Morris,” (or maybe Morgan, Martins, or Lane). She’s an older Black woman, possibly Caucasian, potentially in her 60’s, or maybe much younger. I have some very important information for her, or not. She’ll know who I am, probably.  – Mel

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Oh wow Pam, gotta be honest. After I ate your macaroni salad at the office luncheon last Friday, my weekend became a “leakend” if you know what I mean. Gail asked around and said no one else blew out their bloomers so I guess I’m just allergic or something. Anyway, I’m writing here to remind you to remind me to make your signature side dish a permanent missed connection. Never again, Pam, never again. 🤢💩💩💩~Donna B. (in accounting)  PS it was really good tho!

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You wore a technicolor shirt and spoke with a strange accent. I was dressed like Johnny Cash. At the hippest, coolest location imaginable in this city, we were a strange but magnetic pair discussing the absurdity of modern dating apps, and lamenting the romance of old-fashioned personals. Your very drunk friend then vomited in a very public way, and you both disappeared into the night. If you see this ad, I’d like to pick up where we left off.  ~Altar of Eden

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Sometimes, tough parenting requires that you tell your kids they need to clean their rooms before they can have a donut, while you sit eating donuts yelling, “Hurry, they’re almost gone!” #DadLife

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Va-Va VROOM! 💃👑🏁 Come for the Ms. Motorsports Pageant, stay for the Racecar Trade Show, where you’ll get a first look at cutting-edge racing machine designs plus hands-on opportunities to check out new products & technology. 🏎️🏎️🏎️ JAN 20 – 21 at Gr. Phila. EXPO Center (use 1601 Egypt Road, Phoenixville for GPS)

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🎄🎍 Donate Your Christmas Trees & Greens to the Schuylkill Center for Environmental Education, where all kinds of critters in our wildlife clinic appreciate natural branches for climbing, perching and hiding spots. Drop ‘em off in the barn thru JAN 10, schuylkillcenter.org

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Life Hack for 2023: give yourself 8 to 12 hours of alone time every morning to mentally prepare for the day. Follow me for more great tips! @GoAway

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You entranced me with Eleusinian mysteries in Ancient Greece over a few glasses of ergot and Roman mint-tasting wine that turned out to be watered-down mouthwash with a splash of Robitussin. You told me the story of Demeter & Persephone, and how winter is a mother’s wrath but also a wife’s love. Thank you for everything, I’m sorry we can’t be friends.  ~ Lilith

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Dad Jokes on Regional Rail – We were riding the West Trenton line from TempleU last month, and when the SEPTA worker taking my ticket asked me how I was doing, I said “Oh I’m still standing, even though I’m sitting down.” You turned around and said “Good one!” And then we yukked it up for awhile, then wished each other a good holiday on our way off the train. I regret now not introducing myself. (Hi, I’m Berks).

One of the oldest human needs is having someone to wonder where you are when you don’t come home at night. -Margaret Mead, anthropologist (16 Dec 1901-1978)

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Save a Life in 2023! ACCT is overwhelmed with adorable, adoptable dogs and cats, please consider bringing one home or even just fostering for a short time can make a huge difference. Donations, too: food, toys, bedding – even old newspapers are helpful. Acctphilly.org

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Guided by Voices/Dinosaur Jr (WXPN): we met at the side bar. We were roughly the same height. You mistook me for a beer rep and I thought you were many years younger than you are. You wore plaid, which works for you. I enjoyed chatting, but was also quite jittery. Neither one of us has followed up as we planned. Did I put you off? ~ Northern Liberties

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⚓🛞 SAIL-EBRATE GOOD TIMES at the Philly Boat Show. Dozens of dealers, hundreds of watercraft! Lots of desperate sellers trying to unload last year’s boats before the season begins this spring. Other special incentives and financing programs, too, can’t hurt to look. JAN 27, 28, 29 at Gr. Phila EXPO Center. $10 at the door (under 16 free). phillyboatshow.com ⛵🚤🛥️

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My pitch for a new A&E show, “Hoarders,” except it’s a team of psychologists working with absurdly rich people on why they hoard so much wealth that could be used to eliminate human suffering. #Idwatchit  💰💰💰📺👀

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Pop Up Shop at Malelani Café (6734 Gtown Ave). Music, fun, local goods & services. SAT JAN 21 11am – 4pm. Vendors text 267-239-3690, spots for Feb & March events too.

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If you are planning for one year, plant rice. If you are planning for ten years, plant trees. If you are planning for one hundred years, educate children. — Guan Zhong (720 – 645 BCE)

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See, they call me the Pit Viper – I’m a-coming for your scent. Yeah I’m an old Pit Viper, don’t use that deodorant! I am charmed by underarms, day or night when they are ripe. Give here your sweaty cracks, your rank and unwashed lats. To sniff till heart’s content, with no antiperspirant! Ohhhhh Pit Vipers need love too.  ~ Gimme a B! O!

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Whoa what a gorgeous red-head I beheld in a corner store at Lawrence & Cayuga, where my Russet Queen was holding court around 2am one cold December weekday. Flickering fluorescents have never been more flattering! I was too mesmerized by your beauty for even simple conversation. If there’s a god, I pray you’ll see this and give me a chance. ~ Han in Hunting Park

Hey, is it too much to ask in this Life for bliss, joy, rapture, and pleasure so pure and transcendental that I temporarily lose my sense of self and consciousness? Who else is searching like I am? I’m not sure how to get there but I suspect chocolate is involved. Maybe you too. ~ Gloria I. Excelsis

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SHOW US YOUR TATS! For cash/prizes/bragging rights at Philly’s 25th Annual Tattoo Arts Fest. More than 50 contests, chances to win every day.  JAN 20, 21, 22 at Penna Conventon Center (Tix $25). Villainarts.com

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Did you hear about the man who was late to the cannibal party? They gave him the cold shoulder. #dadjokes

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Heads up everyone, there’s a woman named Amy Elizabeth and her boyfriend Birdman who have been going around East Falls and vicinity, telling people they’re hungry and need help. I’ve tried to take her shopping or send her a food order, but she’s not interested in eating, she just wants the cash. Just so’s you know. ~ Alona R.

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Miguel Angel – Oh what a long time it’s been! I hope you found the happiness I was never able to give you. I’m sorry if I let you down, maybe one day we’ll meet again soon.  ~ Shrek (Philly/Newark)

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What do I do for a living? I’m a renowned artisanal serial number author. I compose serial numbers.
Mind you, I do not engrave serial numbers for products. I handcraft the serial number itself. I’m highly regarded in the industry for my bold, enigmatic and elegant intermix of letters AND numbers. In the Serial Number community, my work is considered Masterworks of ART. I’m the best. You don’t even know what you’re talking about. ~ Einstein on the Bench

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Delicious Karma: every time a bird craps on my car, I eat a plate of wings on the front porch to show them what I’m capable of.

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WARNING: I was listening to Christian National Family Radio and they say there’s a new epidemic in urban cities and food courts, an irresistible drug from Vietnam called “PHO”!!! Apparently there is NO AGE LIMIT, anyone can just walk into any corner store and get it, but especially places with signs that say “PHO” for sale (how brazen!). It’s so pleasurable even one time can lead to a lifelong obsession. Be informed! Be safe!!!  #sayNOtoPHO

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If throwing Donald Trump in jail starts a second Civil War, we’ll just have to win that one, too. #okaythen

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People are so easily offended these days. That’s why I take care to only ever make jokes about white men, whose famously thick skins and calm rationale make them impossible to upset. 🤣🤣🤣

We hope you have enjoyed this Month’s MISSED CONNECTIONS!

Reply or place your own listing in one of three ways: 1) comment below 2) text 215-498-8874 or 3) email DrKarl@nwlocalpaper.com. If you are responding to an ad privately, please be as specific as possible so that Dr. Karl may properly assist. Thank you, my friend.

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About Karl Von Lichtenhollen 50 Articles
Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen is a doctor and fellow of the Applied Knowledges at Blödsinn Universität in Munich, Germany (1973). He was born and raised in the Nether Regions area of Holland, near Tainte, which he refers to fondly as a "Dutch Wonderland." Dr. Lichtenhollen once shared a houseboat in Amsterdam with the cast of a geriatric production of HAIR, inspiring his famous essay, "That Which I Cannot Unsee." He is a three-time recipient of the "Iron Feather" award. His hobbies include ascots, Highland wool sweaters and his pipe. He has a cat.

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