Missed Connections: DECEMBER 2022

Assorted sugarplums from the far-reaches of Philly social media. 

SUN SIGN: SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 – Dec 21): When your month starts off, you’re a mean old whinging Grinch. Enter Venus on the 9th: your heart grows three sizes (and other parts of your body may warm and/or tingle). Proceed with caution and joy. Surprise! A cosmic energy surge hits you like a runaway sleigh around the 20th, turning you into a party beast, tearing up holiday buffets and dancefloors. Enjoy while it lasts, my little Centaurs. Capricorn is waiting right around the corner to see you back to the grind.  @MCAstrology

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Falls of Schuylkill Library (June 2007) You held open the door for me and I’m pretty sure I didn’t say anything back (except probably “thanks”). And yet, something about the way we caught each other’s eyes in one perfect moment has stuck with me for 15 years. What do you think about that? ~ Sentimental Fool

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According to my chocolate Advent calendar, there are only three days until Christmas. <burp>

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Cousin Imogene: before you send out this year’s Christmas photo, we’d like to ask you to seriously consider whether certain outfits and image filters are attractive or even appropriate for a woman over 70. If you’d like, Bea can send Josh over to show you how to pixelate. Thanks & happy Holidays! – The O’Haras on your mom’s side.

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Germantown Kitchen Garden Winter Market & Christmas Tree Sale 🎄🎄🎄 Saturday Dec 10, 10am to 4pm – Christmas trees, Evergreen wreaths, bundled boughs & potted plants, pine roping, handmade goods from 30+ vendors, festive drinks, brick oven pizza  215 E. Penn St, Germantown Phila germantownkitchengarden.com

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What Have You Got to Luge, East Falls? I’m a world-class land luger looking to lay down a primo practice run on the slopes and steeps of your well-tended streets. Comments & suggestions welcome @KolbyParks

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Cahill – Pains me to say, old friend, that I can’t allow our personal history and mutual affinity to overshadow or excuse your unrealistic beliefs that are, I feel, quite hurtful to you as well as others. There’s no room in my life for hate or conspiracies, call me if you ever agree.  ~ Olsen

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Your competition isn’t other people. Your competition is your procrastination. Your ego. The unhealthful food you’re consuming. The knowledge you neglect. The negative behavior you’re nurturing & your lack of creativity. Compete against that. #2023

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<gimme a beat> My baby left me, yeah she left me, and depressed me, when she left me, all she left me, what she left me, was a big old, big old deuce! I said, a hefty, stanky poo. One fat turd like an IOU. OMG that’s so messed up. Baby, come back, if just to fluuuush.  ~ Hillie Billie and the old Casio

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I love how Satanic cults in movies always speak in Latin. As if Satan had been around for millennia presumably communicating somehow with God and the archangels etc. in whatever they spoke but then! He encounters Ancient Romans and was like “Damn! This language is IT!! From here on out, I’m writing ALL my contracts with this bad boy.” Wtf?

Umm. So if you hooked up at Murphy’s over Thanksgiving weekend, I might want to talk to you. See if this jogs your memory: in the morning you sat up, lit a smoke, walked to the bathroom in your underwear with your backpack over one shoulder and then that’s the last I saw of you. Did you mean to run off or is this a stroke or head injury..? Did you want these clothes you left behind? How ’bout your shoes? Call me! Amanda (from Temple)

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This one’s for the folks who don’t want to abandon Christianity but who feel abandoned by the Christianity of their youth. For those who were told to ask “what would Jesus do?” only to be disparaged as “woke” for actually doing it. I see you!  ~ @revjeskast

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🎅📚 Holiday Book Drive Donate gently used children’s books and receive 15% off your in-store purchase. All donations go to Tree House Books, an organization that promotes literacy in North Philly treehousebooks.org. DEC 4 – 10 at Uncle Bobbie’s Coffee & Books 5445 Germantown Ave

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Naughty or Neighborly? I was spinning my Cordell Jackson & The A-Bones vinyl last Wednesday evening. Fans will immediately understand my need to gesticulate broadly and wildly as it electrified me, body and soul. My tiny living room could not contain my grooves, so I took it outside where I could fully engage every living part of me. Thank you for your concern but it’s totally legal, it’s my property. FYI: I chose the front porch instead of my backyard not (as Mrs. Cooper snidely suggested) because I’m a pervert but rather I was so inspired by the music I wanted to share it with the block. Once you hear this band, you’ll understand (they’re on youtube).    ~ Guitar Greg

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You can tell a lot about a person by the way they handle three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas lights.☔🧳🧶  – Maya Angelou

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Midlife Crisis? Pass on the sports car – boring! – and instead go hardcore. Learn magic. Lease a falcon. Start a cult. Are people worried about you? Sure. But aren’t they also a little curious? Sign them up for your cult, the falcon’s not gonna pay for itself.  ~ Uncle Albert #butterpie

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Yo, Red, when we saw each other the second time, you gave me such a look! Now I don’t hardly know you but I keep playing out how you looked at me in my mind and I still have no idea what’s up. Are you mad or trying to hold your tongue or were you chewing something…? Should I even say anything to Tiger? Feels weird not to. Lmk, Jax

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🎄🐐☕🎁 Awbury Arboretum Holiday FARM PARTY (and greens sale) SUNDAY Dec 4 noon to 4PM at The Farm at Awbury 6336 Ardleigh Street  — Campfire, crafts, refreshments. Awbury.org

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Oh Butch how far we’ve come. This time last year I was tearing out my hair, but this Christmas feels different. And I want to thank you, darling, but I can’t because you have nothing to do with it. It’s the Ambien! Sweet delicious sleep, erasing all my cares (you) and frustrations (also you). It’s OK when I wake up because there’s always food. Now keep working so we have insurance.  ~ Honey

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Every one of us is precious in the cosmic perspective. If a human disagrees with you, let him live. In a hundred billion galaxies, you will not find another. — Carl Sagan

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Menzingers Show After Party – we were bouncing around near the front of the stage, screaming along with every son. I was the tall dude in the black hoodie you asked for a boost so you could crowd surf. How was your ride? If you see this, I’d love to get your IG or talk music etc. ~ Mr. Black Hat

👀🐙 My son told me he learned that octopuses can climb thru very small cracks so he’s scared to swim in the ocean because an octopus might climb inside his butt and now I’m scared to swim in the ocean too. @seadaddy

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What was my favorite “reaction gif” as a kid? Oh Timmy no. When I was your age, we had to respond in person, immediately. And we had only three choices: tiny violin, slow clap, or jerk-off motion. That’s it. 3 choices! You made the call & you made it fast. #GenXr4ever

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BUY LOCAL! Need a list? 👉 GermantownUnitedcdc.org/buylocalgermantown 👈 Dozens of community small businesses could use a boost this season. Books, clothes, plants, gifts, vintage, more. New options added daily for one-of-a-kind shopportunities.

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Not to shade religious people but it’s kinda chilling how we’re supposed to praise and emulate Abraham for being willing to kill Isaac to prove his devotion. Like idk about y’all, but if God told me to kill my son, I’d kinda be like maybe this isn’t the god for me.  #Word

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Gifts I Would Give You (if I could): a hater shield, the perfect comeback, the apology you should’ve gotten, and all the time you need to do what you do best. Love to All,  Sister P

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Are your little darlings misbehaving? For $100 I’ll come to your house dressed as the Grinch and throw your tree right out the damn window. Life lessons are priceless!  ~ Auntie Maim

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Should I even be posting this? Queen Village, mid November. You walked out of a bookshop on 4th Street, and we kind of looked at each other as we crossed paths. At one point, it seemed like you were trying to get my attention? I had my headphones on, though. I didn’t mean to blow you off. I’m a brunette, mid 20’s, dressed casual. You were tall with an orange & blue jacket. I think I’ve seen you around. ~ Call Me Maybe

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They who die rich, die disgraced. –Andrew Carnegie, capitalist & philanthropist

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Happy SAULIDAYS! PA’s only agricultural high school presents a special Holiday Market with Saul-grown (and Saul-made) giftables for everyone on your list. Come out and support students selling their wares to support this educational working farm in Roxborough. SAT DEC 17 (10am -2pm) 7100 Henry Ave

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Did You Know…? O Holy Night has a verse that was intentionally left out in the 1800’s (and you still rarely hear it today): “Truly He taught us to love one another; His law is love and his gospel is Peace. / Chains shall He break, for the slave is our brother, and in His name all oppression shall cease.” #singitloud

Center City Pizza Boy – we were pretty regular before Covid. You’d stop by my studio between deliveries, and every time was a home run. Such good times. I find myself looking at the stupid selfies you took on my phone, missing you. Are you still driving? I could go for a large with everything, ha. It’s Nick, and I hope you’ll reach out.

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Holiday Care & Feeding for Your Introvert: this time of year can be challenging, keep your expectations low for social gatherings. Try luring them out with snacks first, then offer books and boardgames. Skip the small talk but do notice their festive socks. They will probably still run away when they spot an opening. Let them know it’s OK (maybe give them a time to shoot for). @neurodivergentdoctor

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Saturday night, November 12th, Furball, dark corner in the basement at BikeStop. You’re a tall, bearded Ginger. I’m a tattooed wonderland, harnessed for fun. You and my friend were having a go, then we all got pleasurably entangled. Gimme more please but with less weirdos watching.  ~ Giddayup Pardner

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In high school, if you didn’t believe in science it was just called “failing.”  @michelleisawolf

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🐈❤💚Meowy Christmas! The Phila Cat Extravaganza brings the most beautiful kitties in the world, plus an incredible lineup of speakers, demos and of course fabulous shopping for yourself and your favorite feline(s). DEC 17 – 18 😻 Gr. Phila Expo Center TIX $14 via lcwwgroup.us

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Sports be like: watch this millionaire throw a ball to another millionaire hahaha we still don’t have Healthcare.  #goteam

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My bank allows me to choose my own personalized ID question to prove I’m me. So now when I call, they *have* to ask me “Who’s the Black private dick who’s a sex machine to all the chicks?” And I must answer, “Shaft.” Follow me for more Life Hacks! @cheezburger

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🚨🚨This is not a drill: Halal Guys City Line Ave NOW OPEN🚨🚨 Chicken! Gyro! Falafel! Not quite as tasty as Al Sham but much quicker.

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Fixed It For You:  I want to help the needy. I want to help dismantle the systems that put people in need. #thatsbetter

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Go ahead and peek! Extra joy & sprinkles in each and every link this month. Make sure you click thru for every secret surprise.  — Dr. Karl

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Stochastic Terrorism (noun): The use of mass public communication, usually against a particular group or individual, to incite acts of terrorism which are statistically probable but seemingly happen at random. #itsathing #RESIST

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Hello Mrs Robinson! Me: 30’s guy with beard & ball cap. You: 40’s – 50’s (?) woman with style and grace, who caught me off guard at Old City Coffee when she looked right at me and smiled. I liked it. A lot. Do it again, please. ~ Embracing the Unexpected

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🎨🎁👀 If anyone is looking for a unique holiday gift check out my brother’s Facebook page for hand drawn artwork. He’s taking holiday orders now. He’s drawn many East Falls, Roxborough and Manayunk homes in the past. Prices are $75 for 5×7 and $100 for 8×10. Price includes black frame and mat. Thanks. BUY HERE:  Facebook & website

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Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the airplane, the pessimist the parachute.  ~ George Bernard Shaw

To my Roommate from Hell: hey thanks for not telling me why you went from “fast friend” to “active hater” – this way, I don’t waste my time trying to understand and, oh, I dunno, fix things. It’s not like we haven’t lived together for 2+ years but whatever. Have a good life. Or not.  ~ Cher

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Question: why do we have to wait for sports championships to get drunk and climb poles around the city? Why can’t this be a regular thing? Come on, people, it’s a form of expression, free speech!!!! Let’s make it a tradition for holidays and birthdays and such. Starting now!  ~ Larry Lats

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Upscale in Uptown, a Pop-Up Shop with Style! 🥂✨ Fashion, music, makeup, food, adult beverages, so much more. Sunday December 11th (12PM – 5PM) 1521 Wadsworth Ave

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Riddle Me This: I’m just really curious as to why it’s age-appropriate to teach kids k-5 how to hide under desks to dodge a shooter, but not that sometimes people have two dads. 🤷‍♂️ #theproblemisyou

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Blackfish. Wish I’d known when I latched upon you that I was in for a Nantucket sleigh ride of epic proportions, fathoms-deep in turmoil, circling continents of discontent. Not sure how much longer I can hang on, so close to land and ready, I am, for safe harbors. Please reconsider your fears of captivity. ~ C.W. Morgan

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Reason for the Season? Religion is a smart business concept: sell an invisible product and if it doesn’t work, blame the customer.  @spaghettimonster

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❄🐶❄ It’s the Winter Blast Dog Show: 5 days of family-friendly fun with 1200+ dogs, 150+ breeds, & countless opportunities to mix & mingle with the area’s top competitors, and cheer on your favorites. 12/7 – 12/11 FREE ADMISSION & parking, details: valleygorgekc.org/spectators

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If I ever need somebody with guts on my side, I’ll pick a trans kid who walks into an American high school every weekday and deals with that shit over some mouth-breathing little bitch who needs a Colt 1911 to feel safe at Bed, Bath & Beyond. #redflag

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Feel Free to Steal This Message to My Employer: Unfortunately, I can’t take on any unpaid work to help you make more money at this time. Thanks for thinking of me though. ~ Glen from Electronics (change name/job to suit)

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Oh yeah, well who died and made you George Edward Stanhope Molyneux Herbert, 5th Earl of Carnarvon?! In the end you might — might — just fund the single most important archeological discoveries of our century but at what cost, Patrick? At what COST?!  ~ Duncan

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Just Say Uncle! Contrary to popular belief, quitting is for winners. Knowing when to quit, change direction, leave a toxic situation, demand more from life, give up on something that wasn’t working and move on, is a very important skill that people who win at life all seem to have. #unstickyourself

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Mrs. B You’ve Got a Lovely Daughter! Hey the guy from Herman Hermits is doing an Olde English Xmas show in Sellersville, a historic little rail town like an hour away in Bucks County. He’s singing holiday classics as well as his top hits from the 60’s. Support local theater! Tix $65+ SUN DEC 4 (also there’s a Bowie tribute band here NYE!) st94.com

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Priest: it be like that sometimes.
Congregation: And sometimes like that it be.
#Amen  #Goodnight2022

We hope you have enjoyed this Month’s MISSED CONNECTIONS!

Reply or place your own listing in one of three ways: 1) comment below 2) text 215-498-8874 or 3) email DrKarl@nwlocalpaper.com. If you are responding to an ad privately, please be as specific as possible so that Dr. Karl may properly assist. Thank you, my friend.

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About Karl Von Lichtenhollen 50 Articles
Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen is a doctor and fellow of the Applied Knowledges at Blödsinn Universität in Munich, Germany (1973). He was born and raised in the Nether Regions area of Holland, near Tainte, which he refers to fondly as a "Dutch Wonderland." Dr. Lichtenhollen once shared a houseboat in Amsterdam with the cast of a geriatric production of HAIR, inspiring his famous essay, "That Which I Cannot Unsee." He is a three-time recipient of the "Iron Feather" award. His hobbies include ascots, Highland wool sweaters and his pipe. He has a cat.

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