Missed Connections: NOVEMBER 2022

Harvested from the wind-swept corners of the Wissahickon Valley by the maestro of community minutiae for your entertainment and edification.  

SCORPIO  The Scorpion (October 23 – November 21) Oh, Scorpio. You need to take it down a notch, all of you. The risk-taking and the back-stabbing and the double lives. The obsession with revenge. We get it, you’re toxic! No need to rub it in. Likewise, your inestimable charm is a danger to yourself and others, especially when coupled with your utter lack of ethics and a singular drive to succeed. Indeed the few Scorpios who haven’t blackmailed or murdered someone yet are definitely thinking about it. More than any other zodiac sign, Scorpios need to chill.  @LocalAstrology

*    *     *     *     *

Tune Up Your Turkey for the 36th Annual Thanksgiving “Not Just Rock” Record Show. The largest music collectibles convention on the East Coast. Vendors, performances and exhibitions. Huge selection of records/tapes/cds plus memorabilia of all kinds. Admission Only $5! Notjustrockexpo.com Music Fans Only! NOV 25 & 26.

*    *     *     *     *

Well well well. Looks like the “red wave” was actually just some mid-cycle spotting. 😏🗳🩸

*    *     *     *     *

Thanksgiving Meditation   If all the green things that grow were taken from the earth, there could be no life. If all the four-legged creatures were taken from the earth, there could be no life. If all the winged creatures were taken from the earth, there could be no life. If all our relatives who crawl and swim and live within the earth were taken away, there could be no life.

But if all the human beings were taken away, life on earth would flourish. That is how insignificant we are.”   ~ Russell Means, Oglala Lakota Nation (November 10, 1939 – October 22, 2012).

*    *     *     *     *

Hey buddy it’s Mr. Miller nextdoor – you can call me Graham now, if you’d like. Your mom suggested this could be a fun game, sending you a message in the paper like this. I just want to say whatever happens, I’ll always be your neighbor and will never try to replace your dad. In fact, your mom’ll probably let him back in, once she’s sick of me. So there’s that! Chin up, sport! OK write back.

*    *     *     *     *

Maureen in Plaid Pajamas (crosstown Uber ride) – Picked you up Monday night outside the Rittenhouse Savoy for a run to North Philly for Latin takeout. “I’m old,” you said but when I turned around you were startlingly beautiful. My car still smells like Camarones al Ajillo, but I don’t mind because it reminds me of you! Good luck with your new job. Please let me know if I can take you to dinner sometime.  ~ Henderson Peters (blue Explorer)

*    *     *     *     *

Instead of asking the world to change so you don’t get triggered, make yourself un-triggerable. This is the simplest solution but sadly the path least travelled these days. @KoHaraLan

*    *     *     *     *

POST HALLOWEEN TIP: Melt down leftover candy corn into festive jars, and add wick to create delicious-scented candles that ants will love! Also maybe reconsider ever eating a “food” product that is basically sweetened wax.  #ihatecandycorn  #juststop

Bernadette: I know it was you in that cloudhopper hovering outside my new apartment the other night when Maélie was over. What do you want? Use your words, bitch, I’m done trying to read your mind. Put your spyglass down and let’s talk like adults. ~ Capucine

*    *     *     *     *

CHEATERS!! Mass lottery fraud is the reason why I didn’t win the Powerball last night, despite my perfect number picks. We found buckets of lottery balls that had my numbers, too. I’m the true jackpot winner!! Checking for traces of bamboo now while I file suit against the air mix machine. #rigged

*    *     *     *     *

#TongueTied  Hey Meg, it’s me Kurt from the art museum steps. I enjoy our early morning walks very much, how we wind among the little coves and sculpture gardens as the city’s waking up, and the sun burns off the mist on the river. Wish I could tell you more in person, but whenever I try the words don’t come out. I feel overwhelmed with more feelings that it seems polite to express. I’ll be praying all month you see this, and agree we might have something to talk about.

*    *     *     *     *

F— THAT GUY! Looking for a married woman, recently cheated on, who is willing to sell her husband’s bike cheap. DM @JohnnieGraphix

*    *     *     *     *

YOU’RE INVITED: Bulb-Planting Party at Maplewood Mall to plant 3000 daffodils and 4000 crocuses for a amazing Spring colors! Music, cupcakes, community. Bring gloves and a mask — hand tools if you got ‘em (we’ll have some here as well). All welcome, even if you aren’t able to plant, or just don’t want to. Come be a part of making beauty with us! Saturday NOV 5 (11AM – 3PM). More info on Eventbrite.com, “Germantown Spring Bulb Planting Project.”

*    *     *     *     *

Nuanced positions will always be punished by those who can only see in binaries. #EmbraceGrayZones

*    *     *     *     *

GOOGLE IT: Mushrooms are the temporary reproductive structures of massive, seldom-seen, subterranean lifeforms more closely related to humans than plants. Fungi. Some are miles wide. Some live thousands of years. Some help trees communicate with each other. There’s magic in them thar forests. #WissahickonDreamin

*    *     *     *     *

People who back into parking spots just want attention. @angerball71

*    *     *     *     *

Schuylkill River Trail: Hey did you ever climb Denali? We met in a 5k last spring, had a great conversation where you told me you were training to climb Denali this summer. At the time I was in a relationship but we’re no longer exclusive and also I think I see you running on the SRT on Saturday mornings – is that you? We’ve been kinda nodding as we run past each other lately, not sure if you recognize me or not. Lemme know! I’d love to catch up. ~ White Guy (40ish)

*    *     *     *     *

Round of Appaws for the National Dog Show, back in town November 19 – 20. All the breeds, all the vendors, all the pageantry! American Kennel Club’s top stars, competing for the coveted Best in Show title. Telecast nationwide on Thanksgiving Day! Sunday’s show features enhanced exhibitions, family-friendly activities, and hands-on fun. Tix $16 (ages 12+).  nds.nationaldogshow.com

Just a Thought: It’s an evil trick on humanity to convince us that we must believe in something or face eternal punishment. Such “faith” conditions a person to turn off their critical thinking so their unreasonable beliefs can never be questioned. You cannot suppress the rational mind in just one respect without profoundly affecting how you perceive reality in general.

*    *     *     *     *

DO NOT GO GENTLY INTO THIS ELECTION FIGHT:
RAGE, RAGE AGAINST THE LYING OF THE RIGHT!

Please vote to save Democracy (we can worry about the other stuff later).

*    *     *     *     *

Here, Haley, I’ll remind you. We met at the Cobra. The Cobra Cabana. I’d just finished dancing with three snakes that I was calling Lola, Tony and Rico. You’re the only one in the whole Tabernacle Church of God who got the joke! Anyway, are we in a cult? Sincerely, Leon from the West Philly bus

*    *     *     *     *

Yo, I’m Gorgio the Juggalo Gigolo. We smashed at the last Gathering in Reading not long ago. I am piercing the veil of professionalism here, but I can’t stop thinking about you, and wondering if we can go out sometime for Faygo and death rap. My treat. If you’re feeling it, find me through this listing.  @GJG69

*    *     *     *     *

Yours, Truly: When all this is said and done, how will you remember me? That’s the worst part, not knowing how your life turns out, or what significance I had in it. You’re right I probably am a narcissist but I’m still human. ~Kody B.

*    *     *     *     *

CONGRATULATIONS to the commonwealth of Pennsylvania for electing John Fetterman, and flipping another seat for progessives at this crucial time in American politics. Thanks to all the voters here who didn’t fall for Dr Oz’s fakery. #keepthefaith

*    *     *     *     *

Holiday Hostess Hack: Accompany food and drink with eye-catching tip jars to encourage a spirit of generosity or guilt. Use glitter and glue to spell out text such as “Don’t Be a Grinch” or simply “Help.” Sure, it feels weird at first but your friends are cheapos all year long, it won’t kill ‘em to cough up some cash.  #amiright

*    *     *     *     *

New Definition of Inflation: what happens when corporations raise prices during times of unprecedented profits in order to damage a sitting president who wants them to pay taxes.

*    *     *     *     *

I Miss My Nora! Girl, I wish I knew where you got to. You left so fast, and so angry. Didn’t tell nobody, just stormed off one night rather than face the music. We just wanted to talk to you, no one’s blaming anyone. Please call home for Christmas.  ~ Teddy and the kids

Wait, this can’t possibly be the same 9pm that I used to be starting to get ready for a night out at!!! LISTEN: the hard part about getting older is keeping informed and adapting my viewpoints so I’m never so clueless and condescending to demand young people play by the rules that worked in my day, with no concern for how the world has changed (and that many of those rules no longer apply).

*    *     *     *     *

To the youngish middle-aged couple with the black dog who always walks him together around Penn Knox – actually, this is for the lady: You don’t know me but I can tell you’re profoundly unhappy, because ten years ago I was you! Stuck in a loveless marriage, resigned and also resentful. I’m here to tell you that’s not OK. You’re better than this. You still have time to enjoy life. Choose you, sister! Good luck! ❤  – Cathy

*    *     *     *     *

Great American Guitar Show: Proud to produce some of the country’s TOP guitar shows! Not necessarily this one, but it’s only $15 ($20 for a full weekend pass). If you have any interest in guitars whatsoever, come out NOV 5 – 6 to the Philly Expo Center. Sign up now to play with an established rhythm section. Bee3vintage.com

*    *     *     *     *

Imagine trying to learn English and finding out that butt dials and booty calls are two entirely different things.  #funthought

*    *     *     *     *

Best in Breeches – I’d noticed you way before Dunbar introduced us after the horse show, from the second I spotted you upon your bay steed. In full riding regalia with your black boots, tailored shadbelly, and the tightest pair of white pants I’d ever seen on a gentleman in public. I couldn’t look away! Later at the club, it was hard to play it cool when I so desperately wanted to catch you alone, and tell you what I had in mind. Alas! My antics were what the kids would call “thirsty” and I can only imagine what you must think of me now. Perhaps we might discuss this matter privately soon?  ~ Daisy from the Cricket Club

*    *     *     *     *

Angel – are you still out here? Do you still scan these listings for familiar names and predicaments? Are you still at the walk-up or did you finally connect with Grace? I need you both now more than ever. Hope to hear from you soon.  ~ Virgil

*    *     *     *     *

JAZZ HANDS: ACTIVATE! Longtime legendaries Larry McKenna & Jimmy Bruno live at the Fallser Club, an intimate new venue with community vibe. Saturday, Nov 19 (8PM – 10:30PM), tix $15 @TheFallserClub. You don’t have to live in East Falls to come here, but it doesn’t hurt.

*    *     *     *     *

If someone’s meaning is clear, don’t correct their spelling or grammar. If their meaning isn’t clear, ask for clarification but don’t make it about their composition “mistakes.” Start to decondition yourself from the colonial grammar rules that were forcibly ingrained upon you. Those systems exist to invisibly reinforce hierarchy. Unlearn the need to police those rules, especially when the rules do nothing to enhance comprehension. @OpulentOpinions

*    *     *     *     *

Thanksgiving Thoughts: The thing to be most thankful for this day is elastic waistbands.  #DadJokes

*    *     *     *     *

I called my childhood phone number the other day. How long’s it been since we all lived there? 30, 40 years? It rang and rang but just as I was going to hang up, I heard a voice, “Hello, Richard,” like they’d been waiting for me. My heart leapt, then I remembered, of course, caller ID. I hung up anyway, but what I should’ve done was apologize for being a foolish old man, indulging a silly daydream. Guess I was trying to dial myself home again, ha! Anyways, I’d tell you all about it if you called back, whoever you are. Thank you, Richard MacNeal in Alden Park.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.  —Niels Bohr, physicist, Nobel laureate (7 Oct 1885-1962)

*    *     *     *     *

Halloween Never Dies!! Brave souls are summoned for three more days of sheer terror at Monster-Mania this month. Everything horror: movies, posters, clothing, entertainment, collectibles plus terrifying special guest stars from favorite classics and current crazes. Autographs, photo-ops and more. Nov 11 – 13, Phila Expo Center. Free Parking. Monstermania.net

*    *     *     *     *

Oh it’s nothing. Just your daily reminder that Fascism is much worse than inflation. @NoMastroMussolini

*    *     *     *     *

Yo Mr. Mister! To the full-timer who works the mister in the Produce Department of the ShopRite on Ridge Ave: the veggies ain’t the only thing you’re keeping moist! Hey-oh!!! Did I offend you? Sorry. Are you intrigued? Let’s talk. See how easy that is?  ~ Roseanne B.

*    *     *     *     *

ATTENTION: For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.

*    *     *     *     *

Let the Yuletide Begin! Tinseltown Holiday Extravaganza 2022 features over a million lights, a giant slide, 8000 sq ft ice skating rink, expanded Mistletoe Market and more. Great food and adult beverages too plus special performances & events. Nov 25 thru Dec 31st at the fairgrounds of Philly Expo Center. Tix & info: tinseltownholiday.com. A winter wonderland full of fun and fabulousness!

*    *     *     *     *

This is for Tia! We met Friday at the Phillies game, laughed about your Phanatic hat and talked about how Harper is worth every penny and then some. When you gave me a beer I wanted to return the favor but the fans went wild and next thing I knew I couldn’t find you. Do you remember my name?! I bartend at Ryan’s on Sundays, hope to see you. GO PHILS!!!!

*    *     *     *     *

We met at Holod’s First Annual T-Rex Halloween Costume Contest this year – the only two T-Rexes in their parking lot at midnight on October 31st. I can’t believe we both showed up in costume without reading the contest rules, which explained clearly that entrants were to dress up a T-Rex lawn ornament (sold at Holod’s), and submit photos. At the time we were both pretty embarrassed but now after thinking about it, I want to congratulate us on our moxie! Wish I’d got your name, cheers!!! Hmu, first round’s on me.   ~ Jurassic Jeff

*    *     *     *     *

May your stuffing be tasty,
Your turkey be plump,
May your mashed spuds and gravy
Have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious,
Your pies take the prize —
May this Thanksgiving dinner
Not go to your thighs!

*    *     *     *     *

Club Risque, 2007: We hit it off when you came ‘round the bar, doing your rounds. I was plying you about your Astro-physics studies while admiring your bold black bangs and striking violet eyes. We hit it off, to say the least. I purchased a couple of lap dances, which felt like a formality, and turned out to be a prelude to the most mind-blowing relationship of my life. Those days, you were going by “Trillian” but I’ve heard you’re back in town using your given name now, Janet. Every time my phone rings I hope it’s you. Hope you see this. ~ Gilad

*    *     *     *     *

Here’s to the people whose trauma did not give them thick skin. The ones who became more sensitive and insecure, who cry more easily, who get overwhelmed at small things. I’m so tired of the narrative that trauma makes you tough and untouchable. We are survivors, not superheroes. Thank you for understanding.  #StillHere

We hope you have enjoyed this Month’s MISSED CONNECTIONS!

Reply or place your own listing in one of three ways: 1) comment below 2) text 215-498-8874 or 3) email DrKarl@nwlocalpaper.com. If you are responding to an ad privately, please be as specific as possible so that Dr. Karl may properly assist. Thank you, my friend.

Click Here for Last Month’s Missed Connections! 

About Karl Von Lichtenhollen 48 Articles
Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen is a doctor and fellow of the Applied Knowledges at Blödsinn Universität in Munich, Germany (1973). He was born and raised in the Nether Regions area of Holland, near Tainte, which he refers to fondly as a "Dutch Wonderland." Dr. Lichtenhollen once shared a houseboat in Amsterdam with the cast of a geriatric production of HAIR, inspiring his famous essay, "That Which I Cannot Unsee." He is a three-time recipient of the "Iron Feather" award. His hobbies include ascots, Highland wool sweaters and his pipe. He has a cat.

Be the first to comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.


*


This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.