Missed Connections: OCTOBER 2022

The sweetest nuggets from local socials: flayed and butterflied, then roasted to a toothsome crisp by Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen

LIBRA “The Scales” (September 23 – October 22) The zodiac’s only inanimate object, and also a half-assed constellation that’s nothing more than a wedge with legs. But Libras see beauty everywhere, often failing to notice even the most obvious social hints. Libras make up for their underwhelming astrological legacy by oozing with charm and chemical mood enhancers. Afraid of their own secrets, Libras hate to be alone and will literally break out into hives if forced to sit quietly with no TV or music in the background. Libras make ideal clergy, dj’s and cell mates.

*    *     *     *     *
If vegetables are so good, explain to me why vegans are always trying to make them taste like meat.  #BeyondSkeptical

*    *     *     *     *

GOT LINVILLA? It’s a tourist trap — go if you must — but please, whatever you do, DO NOT fall for those pies in their “bakery” because they are legit Mrs. Smith pies from the supermarket they unbox and resell to unwitting city folks for a sweet profit. Google it. ~ Parkside Pete

*    *     *     *     *

My therapist: And what do we do when we feel like this?
Me: Identify the oppressive social systems responsible and dismantle the fuck out of them!
My therapist: Oh yeah that’s way better than what I was gonna say.

*    *     *     *     *

SHHHH Don’t Say the L-Word  – it’s Philly “Brick Fest” 2022 featuring interactive stage shows, life-size models, building activities, photo ops and exclusive merch for the world-famous plastic building blocks who shall not be named. Brickfestlive.com  OCT 15 – 16 / Oaks Expo Center / tix from $15.99

*    *     *     *     *

I can’t wait till aliens finally visit, and all our religious leaders will try to explain “god” and humankind will learn how to roll our eyes in a different lifeform. #AllAboutAtheism

*    *     *     *     *

We were introduced around midnight by the Pink Wasp and her sister, Buzz. Music blared while you whirled, barefoot, in luminous silken whorls, like paper lanterns in the firelight. You were dancing. Time was stopping. The seasons change yet I remain: transfixed.  ~ N. Thrald

*    *     *     *     *

JUST THINK: whenever you lick your teeth, you taste your own skeleton. 😝💀💀💀 Happy October!  @NeverMoonaWerewolf

*    *     *     *     *

Someone needs to explain to me why wanting clean drinking water makes you an activist and why proposing to destroy water with chemical warfare doesn’t make a corporation a terrorist. –Winona LaDuke, activist, environmentalist, economist, and writer (b. 18 Aug 1959)

*    *     *     *     *

Hey everyone, I know that most people treat Henry Ave like the Autobahn but a really small section of the raceway, in front of Saul high school, is actually a fucking school zone. It’s the law to slow down to 15mph. There are lights indicating where it ends and begins. It’ll only tack on, hmm, about 1 solid minute to your drive if you slow your car down when the lights are flashing. You should be doing it also, instead of beeping and speeding like an asshole around the few folks who are.  ~ Mr. Young (Have an East Falls Life, folks)

*    *     *     *     *

Why are red states so worried about immigrants? Of the 750,000 people seeking US asylum, 235,000+ are in CA & NY, compared with 170,000+ in TX & FL. We can’t let politicians scare us to do their bidding. #RESIST

In self-defense
A knife protects
I bring my lunch
No one suspects
And when it’s time
To fight for life
Deceptive fruit
Banana knife.

🍌🍌🍌🔪🔪🔪

*    *     *     *     *

Hey Kids! Can we stop calling it Student Loan Forgiveness and start calling it: Correction of Governmental Predatory Loan Tactics. They are literally not forgiving student loans, just cutting back a little bit on some of the interest they intended to charge student loan borrowers. BIG DIFF! @Lara.Bee.Sharp

*    *     *     *     *

Listen up: the earth is covered in corpses. We breathe the air that the dead exude; we eat the food they nourish with their decay; pour their remains into our cars; we wear them and sleep on them. And then we call them scary without ever noticing they are present in every single thing upon which we survive. We live because of the dead; they died so that we should live. And so will we.  #Ecogoth

*    *     *     *     *

Here’s how you’ll remember me: I’m the expert lip-reader who saved you a bundle of time and frustration by telling you exactly what key conversations are happening around you at any given time. Real-time or recorded, send footage to Eve.S.Drupper @gmail for quote.

*    *     *     *     *

Gaming Nerds – Get Ready for one unforgettable, epic weekend! Tournaments, cash prizes, live entertainment. GXL Colossal comes to the Greater Phila Expo Center Friday/Sat/Sun (OCT 7-9). Round-the-clock, ground-breaking, immersive 4D Virtual Reality. Tix $35 and up via thegxl.com

*    *     *     *     *

Let People Go! If they don’t want to ride the sexy, strange, magical, once-in-a-lifetime, radical, mystical, ever-evolving human fun train that is your frequency, that’s their loss. Move along with love, people. ~ Uncle Chuck

*    *     *     *     *
🧛‍♀️🧛‍♂️🧛‍♂️
“Hello! Do you have a minute to talk about Dracula?”
“No – wait. Did you say Dracula?”
“Yes of course!”
“You’re… vampires?”
“Yes, we have pamphlets.”
“Vampires have missionaries?”
“Where else would new vampires come from?”
“I assumed you bit people.”
“There are many hurtful stereotypes. May we come in?”
#Transylvanians #InvitationOnly

The problem for racists isn’t that there are people of color in their fantasy stories, it’s that there are people of color in the real world, and their fantasy stories are no longer an escape from that reality. #truth

*    *     *     *     *

Who peed in your cornflakes this morning, Kyle?! I’ll give you a hint: sometimes it’s not just an expression. Don’t quote me but if I were you I’d lock my office when I left. And maybe pay my staff a little better. ~ Telephone Girl

*    *     *     *     *

Hello from Florida! I just saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read, “I MISS PHILADELPHIA”, so I stole their catalytic converter and left a note that read, “I hope this helps.” ~ Junior

*    *     *     *     *

She turned the page, and suddenly felt a cold dread touch her spine. She quickly turned the page back, and waited for the feeling to dissipate. It didn’t take long. “Sorry,” she muttered. The ghost that haunted her house didn’t always read as fast as she did.

*    *     *     *     *

To the Vibraphone Soloist at Franklin’s Pub – wow, such tremolo, resonance and vibrato. This is exactly the music I hear in my head right before one of my spells comes on, why, it’s uncanny! How is this possible, are you reading my thoughts?! Thanks, Your #1 Fan  (Mina)

*    *     *     *     *

Hi I’m in Australia and just saw a specialist this morning, gave them my Medicare card and by 9pm the rebate showed up in my bank account oooh socialized medicine is terrifying I have no freedom please help me lol – Ben

*    *     *     *     *

Hello, former child here – and future fungus food. In the meanwhile though I’ve a lot of time to kill. Looking to spend it as recklessly as possible, along with my late wife’s inheritance. That’s me, in a nutshell (but I’m allergic to nuts). Who’s with me?  ~ B. Leslie

*    *     *     *     *

PRAGATI (OCT 7 – 9): the Bengali Association of Greater Phila welcomes all for unlimited fun, food & music at this year’s Sharod Utsav festival. A celebration of food, music and community. Tix from $45, register at pragatiphilly.com. Bengali Delicacies for Your Taste Buds!

Car-jackings at Wissahickon & Rittenhouse AGAIN! This has been going on for YEARS at this gas station. Someone I know got his very pricy Mercedes taken from there when he was paying for some items in the store. SMH.  ~ Living in Germantown: All Together

*    *     *     *     *

Hello this is for the nice gentleman who accompanied me to that Mary Kay party in Roxborough – I picked you up by a little vegan place in East Falls. Honey thank you for playing along, my friends were all so impressed by your youth & beauty. Looking back, it was totally worth every penny, even though I didn’t realize until the end of the evening that I’d hired you as an escort (I honestly thought you were just being nice!). Anyway, next time I’d like to use our time together more fully, if you catch my drift. Call me!  ~ Frisky Mrs. Frannie

*    *     *     *     *

Listen carefully: the kind of leaders who will put people on a plane are the kind who will load them into boxcars. #Resist

*    *     *     *     *

HELP WANTED, WORK FROM HOME: Data entry, customer service, admin assistance, call center. Full or part time. $25/hr after one week of training (30 hours @ $20/hr). Benefits include healthcare, dental, vision, more. No experience necessary. weareeverise.com

*    *     *     *     *

Elon Musk doesn’t make Tesla cars. Jeff Bezos doesn’t deliver Amazon packages. Howard Schultz doesn’t make Starbucks drinks. The rich don’t create value – WORKERS DO! #UnionYES

*    *     *     *     *

ULTIMO’D: So you’re the lady with the big hat on a mild September day who plonked down a giant iced coffee on the table next to me, then ran to the restroom, leaving her enormous patchwork tote unattended and tantalizingly easy to peek into. I saw a pair of slippers, a book about polygamy, a bottle of Patron (opened) and a SEPTA regional rail ticket to… Dammit you came back before I could see. This is going to bother me. If this is you, I would love to buy you an iced coffee and hear about your adventure. No strings! ~ Uncle Walt

*    *     *     *     *
No Answer  My darling, I can call you but you won’t pick up; you can’t. If you’re there, I can’t tell. Wherever you are now, you’re nowhere I’ve ever been. The lines are down, our voices can’t squirm through. What I wouldn’t give for more than static between us. ~ Louis Forever

*    *     *     *     *

Whoops! I accidentally drank some Holy Water with my laxative. I’m about to start a religious movement! #DadJokes

*    *     *     *     *
🎃 Halloween Haiku by Zack the Zombie 🧟‍♂️
Close your eyes! Feel the
Pale eyeballs of a dead corpse —
Two peeled purple grapes.
😱😱😱

image credit: @agentmich120 (tumblr.com)

To the cyclist who played “chicken” with me on the Wissahickon trail behind the waterfalls on Ridge, the one that goes to the bridges that were just opened. You came barreling at me around a bend, sweeping into my lane while I stood up on my pedals to accelerate directly at you. What a rush — I barely had time to scream before we collided! I can’t remember everything you said afterward (you were missing a lot of teeth) but I know we both saw stars. ~ Debbie Cannondale

*    *     *     *     *

Sports be like: watch this millionaire throw a ball to another millionaire hahaha we still don’t have Healthcare.  #gobirds #flyeaglesfly

*    *     *     *     *

I’ve seen a lot of articles about quiet quitting, but let’s talk about quiet firing. It’s when an employer increases workloads, doesn’t provide adequate staffing, requires mandatory overtime, provides no positive feedback or praise, celebrates record high profits, but won’t provide raises that correlate to all the above.  @TheRealAnnieChrist

*    *     *     *     *
Crash in the Trash! Imagine my dumpster-diving surprise when I leapt into the familiar Sunday-morning stench only to encounter your lovely face. Seems you were searching for the wedding ring you’d impulsively tossed the night before, after one too many pumpkin spice margaritas at Le Bus. You were a little cranky so I didn’t hang around but I can’t stop wondering if you’re still married or what. I bet you are kind of cute without all the garbage on you. ~ Robbie (Eagles shirt) PS hope you’ve had your tetanus shot!

*    *     *     *     *

FIXED IT FOR YOU: Everything happens for a reason. Some things are just really shit awful and they should never have happened. #youreweclome

*    *     *     *     *

Hello a pigeon with a foot band recently landed on my porch near Vernon Park. When I went to snap a pic to report the serial number, however, I saw the band had a tiny parchment scroll attached, which I unrolled to discover a topographical map that seems to indicate the location of buried loot from a bank heist in 1996, that someone named Marvin is supposed to dig up before the bird’s owner gets out of prison. But I don’t know when that is! Should I chance going to get it? Does anyone know Marvin? Whatchyall think? – Mr. Earl
*    *     *     *     *

KITCHEN WITCH TIP: Use a Ouija board as a butcher block to reanimate any meat! Follow me for more hacks than Lizzy Borden @BloodyMaryThreeTimesinMirror

*    *     *     *     *

What’s a Whaleback? Why, it’s a natural wonder attracting rock freaks from across the world. Behold its majesty in Shamokin, PA, where for ten bucks some dude from the coal company will guide you to feast your eyes on 7 acres of a uniquely folded rock structure that looks almost but not quite nothing like a whale or other sea mammal. You have to see it to believe it! Come with me, I’m Doug! Readinganthracite.com

*    *     *     *     *

“I’m gonna wing it” – Me, about something I most definitely should not be winging (8/15/22). Ya hear me, Meredith?

*    *     *     *     *
WANTED: Ghost writer for Manifesto  I need someone to write down everything I say while I rant about  all the shit that pisses me off. My wife won’t help me because she says I’m “clueless” and “offensive” and that only “morons” will want to read what I say anyway. Well joke’s on her, she’s chapter one! Who’s gonna help me? My name is Mel and I will pay a “pittance.”

Kids putting their teeth under their pillows is the most occultist shit in the world. “Yesssss, child… put the discarded bone where you rest your head at night. If you are lucky, a non-human entity will come and make her purchase. Sell your bones for riches, my child, your youth will soon be spent…..”  @CreepyAuntie

*    *     *     *     *

The man who is always waving the flag usually waives what it stands for. –Laurence J. Peter, educator and author (16 Sep 1919-1990)

*    *     *     *     *
I’m writing here purely in service to the pesky libidinous part of my brain that overrides my rational side from time to time, even though I find this sex stuff rather tiresome and predictable. Always the same ending. No plot twists or jump scares, just a routine surge of hormones followed by disappointment and maybe some shame. OK if this sounds good to you, call me and we’ll have some fun for awhile at least. Why not? It’s Phil.

*    *     *     *     *
FOUND: Black scythe, wooden handle (also black) in the alley behind my house. Inscribed “G. Reaper” with a little skull icon and a strange shadow hovering over it. If yours, come get it please hurry. #paranormalreports

*    *     *     *     *

“Mermaid girl supposed to be white!”

Why not save that energy and yell at Disney about Pocahontas. That wasn’t her real name, it was Matoaka. She was 12, not a nubile adult woman. She didn’t love John Smith, she was taken forcefully and used as a bargaining chip. She was a trafficked human, married off to John Rolfe. She died of a foreign disease on foreign land. Disney still insists on promoting her as a sexy princess as recently as Wreck It Ralph 2. Y’all had 3 decades to be mad about something right. Now y’all mad about an imaginary fish that’s half green.

*    *     *     *     *
GOLD MEDALERS: Congratulations to the Chestnut Hill Leakers, champions in the Mid-Atlantic Urination League finals, live-streamed this September from the Cricket Club. Exciting details are still trickling in.

*    *     *     *     *

👻 Haunting but True: every time you yawn in October, a ghost sticks its dick in your mouth. 🍆😱 #Boo

*    *     *     *     *

#MiddleAge – I’ll wear my comfy shoes. Has anyone seen my phone? That scale cannot be correct. Did I take my vitamins yet? Who can read this small print? I swear we just updated this software the other day. What did I want in the kitchen, again? It’s 9:30 at night, this better be important.

*    *     *     *     *

To whom this may concern: don’t let the hard days win. You got this. Please reach out if I can help. And know that I am rooting for you. #ItGetsBetter

*    *     *     *     *

Priest: it be like that sometimes.
Congregation: And sometimes like that it be.
#Amen

We hope you have enjoyed this Month’s MISSED CONNECTIONS!

Reply or place your own listing in one of three ways: 1) comment below 2) text 215-498-8874 or 3) email DrKarl@nwlocalpaper.com. If you are responding to an ad privately, please be as specific as possible so that Dr. Karl may properly assist. Thank you, my friend.

Click Here for Last Month’s Missed Connections! 

 

About Karl Von Lichtenhollen 48 Articles
Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen is a doctor and fellow of the Applied Knowledges at Blödsinn Universität in Munich, Germany (1973). He was born and raised in the Nether Regions area of Holland, near Tainte, which he refers to fondly as a "Dutch Wonderland." Dr. Lichtenhollen once shared a houseboat in Amsterdam with the cast of a geriatric production of HAIR, inspiring his famous essay, "That Which I Cannot Unsee." He is a three-time recipient of the "Iron Feather" award. His hobbies include ascots, Highland wool sweaters and his pipe. He has a cat.

Be the first to comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.


*


This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.