The following unexplained incidents have been reported in East Falls, Germantown and environs.
All accounts have been verified using undiscovered evidence. Send corrections and additions to email@example.com.
Cryptid Sighting, Bigfoot
January 10, 2021
Inn Yard Park, East Falls
A white male identified only as “George” flagged down a passing patrol car to report he’d been tracking a large, hairy, “Sasquatch-looking” creature who he said had been defecating by the basketball courts with some regularity, and also stealing Amazon packages and recycling bins along Ridge Avenue and Kelly Drive. RING camera footage obtained from neighbors proved inconclusive and NSFW.
Residual Activity, various
January 24 – 28, 2021
Indoor swimming pool at Alden Park Apartments
Over several extremely cold days when the pool was inaccessible to residents, security cameras recorded the sounds of people talking and splashing in the empty space. At one point, a child could be heard shouting “Cannonball!” as an unseen force broke the surface of the water. A spokesperson for Alden Park stresses this is not an intelligent haunting but rather “just a harmless supernatural hiccup.” Guests are nevertheless encouraged to swim in groups and not attempt to speak with (or follow) anyone in 1920’s garb.
February 3, 2021
Rittenhousetown Ln. & Forbidden Dr. (Germantown)
Brandon Sinclair and girlfriend Linda Brewster used a Ouija board to accidentally awaken a thousands-year old elemental who had been slumbering in an outcropping of Wissahickon schist near their apartment. Neighbors reported a booming voice “WHY HAST THOU DISTURBED MY REST?” followed by an ear-piercing “Ruuuuuude-duh!!!!” A psychic medium brought to the scene conveyed that the entity, who calls itself Skylar, can’t even. Plan is to get back to sleep after finishing Squid Game.
February 14, 2021
Fairmount & McMichael Parks
A bronze statue of Morton McMichael in Fairmount park recently came to life and mysteriously made its way to McMichael Park in East Falls, where it did unspeakable things to a turtle sculpture. “Then it trashed the Love Lights tree, then ran off towards the Reservoir,” advised a neighbor who had witnessed the commotion from his driveway. Security camera footage in Old City suggests it spent the night cavorting till dawn with a toga-clad Ben Franklin.
Anomaly, Space/Time Continuum (misc)
March 9, 2021
According to a 911 call from Giles Burdson of Manayunk, Germantown turned upside down, inside out and backwards in one fell swoop soon after the last bar closed. This rare phenomenon has not occurred since 1953, when Abe Taberman (also of Manayunk) described similar conditions to his wife, who was waiting for him to return from an extremely late meeting at the Elks Lodge.
March 25 – 27, 2021
MLK Drive bike path
The zombie camp at the southern foot of the Falls Bridge has been identified as the likely source of an undead outbreak among cyclists in the area during a stretch of unseasonably warm weather. Authorities stress the infection has been contained, and warn individuals on this part of the trail to nevertheless disguise human smells/pheromones with products that are at least 90% DEET (in an alcohol base). People with extra large or juicy brains are advised to avoid the area altogether.
Indigenous Spiritual Encounter (ISP): Flying Head
April 11, 2021
Wissahickon Valley Park
An enduring Iroquois specter allegedly accosted an itinerant couple who had been occupying a makeshift creek-side campsite near the base of the Henry Avenue Bridge. The evening of the attack, the man reported feeling “a forbidding chill closing in” while the woman experienced a restless night’s sleep, dreaming of ghosts, shaman and witches.
She awoke alone near dawn to a “raspy” sound “like an owl crunching a mouse.” Outside their tent, by their smoldering campfire, she could discern the outline of her partner’s limp body along with what appeared to be an animated human skeleton, feasting on his neck and face. She screamed and awoke this time for real.
When the couple checked their campsite that morning, there were weird bony footprints in the ash, and strange tangles of long, coal-black hair twisted in the surrounding trees and tent poles. Phila Parks and Rec released a joint statement with the Friends of the Wissahickon announcing the closure of several trails in the area while authorities investigate culturally-sensitive removal options.
Wissahickon Wailing Woman
May 9, 2021
Two birdwatchers on a day trip from Media surprised prep cooks at Valley Green Inn with loud banging on the back kitchen door, and frantic pleas for entry. Once inside they reported they’d just been confronted by a translucent woman in white, who appeared soaking wet from head to toe. She came walking toward them from a thicket they were watching for waterthrush.
The woman was weeping. As the pair watched, incredible amounts of tears began streaming from her eyes, blurring her features as her mouth stretched impossibly wide to let out an inhuman clamor that set them both running.
Rangers arriving on the scene explained the grief-stricken entity dates back to the 1600’s, when a spurned woman named Rebecca drowned her married lover’s child in the creek. Consumed with regret, she threw herself into the churning Falls in the Schuylkill River, where her body was never found. Since then she is regularly seen wandering in wooded areas along local waterways, consumed with perpetual remorse.
According to the rangers, while sightings are common, individuals who hear the entity’s voice appear to be cursed to die within the next 48 hours. “Just kidding,” they told the birdwatchers, after letting them freak out for a while.
Garfielding, 2nd degree
May 15, 2021
36XX Indian Queen Lane (East Falls)
An elderly woman’s life was saved when neighbors called 911 after being alerted to her distress by the woman’s three housecats, who allegedly cried for assistance in clear English from an open upstairs window. “Of course I don’t remember the exact words,“ said Morey Fullman, who lives across the street. “But they knew my name, for sure, and I definitely heard ‘ambulance’ and ‘pulmonary’ so I knew there was trouble.” The woman is recovering comfortably at home. The cats have had no comment when questioned.
Nth Annual Nephilim Summer Gala
June 20 2021
54 Event Space (Germantown)
The city’s biggest stars – literally – came out for the Goliath Awards which celebrates one more year where they don’t destroy civilization just for funzies. The theme for 2021 was “2020” and featured plates of chaos with individual dumpster fires at every table. A representative from Cindy Bass’s office accepted a “Legion Award” honoring years of helpful cooperation. “If Philadelphia citizens knew the very real danger of giant superbeings crushing our city like Godzilla, I think they’d see public land is the least of our problems,” she said, before quickly exiting out a side door.
Visitation: Night Hag
July 5, 2021
34XX Tilden (East Falls)
A middle aged couple reported seeing a tall, skinny woman with long yellow fingernails and red eyes creeping acrobatically along rooftops, peering into upper-floor windows as she made her way down the block. The following morning, many neighbors reported fitful sleep and powerful “sulfuric” gas. Authorities have yet to determine any connection with the paranormal sighting, “It seems most ‘activity’ reported was consistent with the community’s 4th of July BBQ and Bean Fest earlier that day.” When questioned, the couple who reported seeing the creeping woman admitted they had been drinking at Impanema all day and may have picked up the idea there. DEBUNKED.
Phantasm Alert: Wissahickon Valley Park System
July 31, 2021 – present
Experts are blaming global warming for the increase in kapnobatai descending from the clouds and into the Wissahickon, where they disorient hikers and limit visibility along potentially treacherous trails. Park rangers advised in a recent bulletin to avoid humanoid patches of fog after heavy rains. Also avoid carrying milk and honey, which have been known to excite these generally timid entities into feeding frenzies, which — while harmless — are extremely disgusting to witness.
Snake Girl of Monoshone Creek
August 7, 2021
Brent Getz, 47, was exiting the Papertrail Café when he noticed something moving in the tall brush at the edge of the Wissahickon woods. As he watched, he could clearly make out the shape of “something long and strong” – at first he told the 911 operator it was an alligator. After more observation however, he realized it was the fabled Snake Girl of Monoshone Creek, at which point he attempted to disconnect his phone and flip his camera on. “But I didn’t have my glasses,” he said, “And this tiny screen is so frustrating to work with and I was like <**EXPLETIVE**>!!!” Unfortunately, in the commotion the Snake Girl slithered away once more into local folklore.
The Douchemobile of Market Square
August 16, 2021
1:50AM – 4:25AM
Germantown Ave & Schoolhouse Lane
The ghost of a 1980’s IROC Camaro was observed screeching through the streets around a popular after-hours gathering spot in Historic Germantown. Witnesses on the benches outside Uncle Bobbie’s told authorities that the phantom vehicle “glowed in the dark” and seemed to flicker “like a TV with bad reception.” For more than two hours it was seen circling in and out of the area, then it careened into the half-acre lawn by the Civil War memorial, where it did donuts as it faded away with the dawn’s first light.
There are currently no leads on the driver’s identity, paranormal officers are investigating the possibility this was a self-driving ghost car.
CONFIRMED: Hanako-san Haunting
September thru June
St. Bridget’s Lofts (East Falls)
After months of formal investigations, the PPD’s Paranormal Developments office has evidence of a Hanako-san spirit that has been alarming occupants of a small apartment building repurposed from an old Catholic school.
According to the report filed in June 2021, a half dozen residents randomly discovered they would summon the ghost of a small dead girl in a red skirt whenever there were three knocks in succession on any hard surface, followed by a greeting such as “Hi” or “Hello” or even “Hey.” Usually the spirit simply fades away but sometimes she reaches out menacingly.
The activity is likely connected to the presence of vintage tile and several small sinks from the original elementary school remaining as design elements on the top floor, where the vast majority of Hanako-san interactions have occurred. As these spirits normally reside in school restrooms, it seems incorporating St. Bridget’s school artifacts into the new apartment scheme has confused the spirit and, fortunately, limited its powers. The report concluded, “Without a toilet in the vicinity, the entity has nowhere to pull residents to Hell. Though apparitions can be frightening, there is zero physical threat.”
A spokesman for the renters association pushed back on the findings, “We definitely would be more comfortable with some kind of exorcism moving forward.”
Extraterrestrial Visitations, nocturnal
October – November, 2021
Experts have determined a recent spate of aerial disturbances over the area is likely from alien spaceships buzzing the atmosphere and taking photos. The phenomenon, known as “climate rubbernecking” has become a popular activity for beings from other planets who find earth’s new extreme weather events exciting to watch, like fireworks. In spring 2022, the Philadelphia Tourism Board plans to offer a special guest pass for alien visitors interested in learning more about how dumb humans are to literally destroy their only home.
October 31, 2021
Vernon Park (Germantown)
The largest organization for Supernatural Rights in America, “G.A.S.P.” (Ghosts, Apparitions and Shadow People) staged their annual rally at Vernon park on October 31st at noon, filling the space with nearly 40,000 entities marching for Historic Preservation. Designated speaker Frank Furness addressed the crowd on the importance of afterlife architecture, “If we’re not careful, all that’s left to haunt will be shitbox townhomes and apartments!” Nearby security cameras failed to record the invisible demonstration however several witnesses waiting for a bus agreed it had “definitely seemed a little colder for awhile.”
Limited Time Offer: Transtemporal Travel
September thru December 2021
The Pan-Reality Cooperative is offering Buy One Get One admission to other dimensions and time periods through October. Explore exciting new worlds and cheat death and/or visit South Street in 1986. Contact DrKarl@nwlocalpaper.com for details on available portals for NW Philly.
December 2021 – March 2022
Schuylkill River communities
The sodden kingdom of Secretia announced another diplomatic tour of NW Philly this winter. Residents are warned to be on the lookout for pockets of sentient discharge, usually in the form of harmless but persistent drips and oozes with a sewer-y odor and vaguely human features. Mayor Kenney’s office released a short message greeting these inter-dimensional beings while reminding them to not overstay their welcome, “We have sponges and we’re not afraid to use them.”
Stay vigilant! Report sightings and suspicions to firstname.lastname@example.org. And have a happy Halloween!
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