Missed Connections: SEPTEMBER 2022

Awakened, enlightened, lemon-scented, deconstructed and cast before you by Karl Von Lichtenhollen. Pro Tip: some of these make excellent graffiti

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VIRGO “The Virgin” (August 23 – September 22) On the surface, most Virgos come across as dull, bland, and highly intolerant. Get to know them, however, and you’ll usually find your first impression was correct. This sign is called the Virgin because the term “fun police” hadn’t been invented yet. A perfectionist at heart, Virgos will obsess over details no one else even notices until everyone around them is miserable. Virgos relish a good grudge and all forms of the word No. It’s a scientific fact that every Virgo you know takes five years off your lifespan.

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SEW EXCITING! It’s the Pennsylvania National Quilt Extravaganza, stitching together all the best names, shops and innovations for a one-of-a-kind festival to delight die-hard quilters and hobbyists alike (probably really boring for the rest of us, tho). 400 quilts on display plus “Merchant’s Mall.” Sept 15 – 18, tix from $15. Phillyexpocenter.com

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Yo I got one. Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second. Peace! ~ Tondray

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Big-Ass East Falls Yard Sale!
SAT SEPT 10 / 9AM – 1PM
3400 Block of W. Penn St
Multi-family – Lots of stuff
Cash, Venmo & Cash App

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Personal Redaction Services While U Wait – I will personally go through all your sensitive documents and delete the stuff you probably shouldn’t share with anyone, ever. Including me. Lucky for you I have no short-term memory (thanks varsity football!). My rates are affordable, no risk guarantee. Leave a message for Ted under the Blue Stone bridge, I’ll be around. NO FEDS!

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BACK TO SCHOOL FASHION DEALS Save 50 – 90% on everything growing kids need at Just Between Friends, a huge pop-up resale event where you can buy (and sell) gently used clothes, shoes, books, toys, baby gear. Sept 15 – 18 at The Greater Philly Expo Center. Pre-register to attend FREE:  westernmainline.jbfsale.com Reduce/Reuse/Recycle 🙏

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They call me Avocado Amy because I’m only pleasant for a short period of time, and it’s up to you to figure out when that is.  #HaChaCha

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Don’t be like that, Channing, I’ve been all gravy for you. Not once did you ever ask for more, and I’ve never offered. It’s for the best, champ. This is your life, don’t look at me.  ~ Marsden  9/17/22

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Dear Postal Carrier I’m Glenda, that’s an unusual name I bet I’m the only Glenda on your route. All these years I’ve been mad at the Post Office, I’ve never been mad at you. Not once. You are doing just fine. I mean, you’re no go-getter but you’re better than a lot of what else is out there. So thank you. Okay good bye now. Glenda!

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When a clown moves into a palace, he doesn’t become a king. The palace becomes a circus.  ~ Turkish proverb

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HEY LOSERS! I bought the corner house/lot at Crawford and Conrad now I’m going to raze the old white bar-n-grille-looking thing to build a magnificent Arch in tribute to my glorious – as of yet unsung – life. Will I be soliciting opinions or sharing renderings of what this eye sore will look like? NO! Let’s just say that it will be IMPRESSIVE. Also, I will be on horseback!!!  #DealWithIt   ~ Mike Michaels

So it is with regard to the inhabitants of the sun. Do you think it is inhabited? I rather think it is. Do you think there is any life there? No question of it; it was not made in vain.  ~ Brigham Young, Mormon prophet & leader (talking scientifically out his ass)

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Someone just asked me if I had plans for the fall and it took me a moment to realize they meant “autumn” and not the collapse of civilization as we know it. #sillyme

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Did You Know…? A golden retriever can jump higher than an average house! This is due to the breed’s wiry, powerful muscles and the fact that an average house cannot jump at all. #DadJokes

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Poppin’ Baubles – This one’s for the jewelry freaks who are still paying retail. Stop that now! Shop direct at the Gem & Jewelry show this Sept 16 – 18 at nearby Oaks Expo Center. Rows and rows of quality gemstones and unique settings from all over the world. Jewelry, watches, hair accessories, beads and more in a variety of price points and styles, even antique & custom items. Tix start at $6 via intergem.com (children under 9 not permitted).

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IN THIS HOUSE WE BELIEVE:
VEGGIE TRAYS EXIST
GUAC BELONGS ON CHIPS
BIG CARROTS ARE FOR COOKING
DR. OZ LIVES IN NEW JERSEY
STATE STORES SELL TEQUILA
VOTE FOR FETTERMAN!!!!

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Parent Tip: teach your kids about US democracy! Next family movie night, ask them to vote on what to watch and what to order for dinner. Then you pick the food and movie because you’re the one with all the money! #CitizensUnited

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One Man’s Trash Junk Removal will haul your crap to local donation centers first before landfills. Reasonable rates, free estimates. Call Dan 215-850-6438 / onemanstrash1900@gmail.com

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If you’re not paying attention to trees and how they sway in the wind then what are you even doing? ~ Lil Sprout

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Alternative Fitness: Wildlife Cockblocking with Jeff – Yes it’s true you can burn calories and strengthen all muscle groups while having good clean fun in the forest. I will teach you my proprietary method for crouching, squatting, and silently stalking woodland animals as closely as possible, and then rushing up to disrupt their reproductive efforts at exactly the worst possible moment (depends on species). It’s a hoot! Seriously, have you ever seen an owl knocked off his game, mid-play? You’ll forget you’re exercising. First class free, pretty sure you’ll be back. (Thurs/Weds at 7:30pm Wissahickon trailhead on Henry)

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Lookit here: asking a billionaire to pay an extra $1 million in taxes is like someone worth $100,000 having to pay $100. Think about that! The scale of wealth among the 1% is so vast, it’s ridiculous that raising their taxes is considered so controversial these days. #EatTheRich

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First they came for Alex Jones, and I said “Great.” Next they came for Giuliani and I said
Good news.” Then they came for Donald Trump and I said, “This is also excellent.” #Popcorn

BEST BUDS FOR LIFE! CannaFest Alternative Health & Wellness Fair welcomes all for an uplifting and informative experience with leaders and innovators in today’s Cannabis and CBD industries. Guided yoga & reiki classes, artisanal wine tasting, live glass-blowing artists, celebrity guests and headliner bands. On-site massage therapists, spiritual healers, and Medical Certification doctors. Sept 17 – 18 at Gr. Phila Expo Center. Tix $5 online, $10 at the door. CanaMedShow.com@cannafest_pa

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What’s with all the rats, East Falls? Calumet, Midvale, Fisk, and even Ridge Avenue. Not just one but many, many rats. Is it the weather? All this construction? Did they move here with someone from Roxborough? (Ick!) My name is Joel. #MakeItStop

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My fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in and when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want because we don’t have kids! Follow @Bitchface1993 for more life hacks…

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*NERD ALERT* The 10th anniversary of Retro Con comes to Oaks Expo Center Sept 24 & 25, bringing hundreds of vendors with a dizzying array of vintage collectibles for sale & exhibit: GI Joe, ThunderCats, Star Wars, Transformers, and more! Games, comics, lunchboxes, model kits, custom art, trading cards – even famous tv/movie cars including KITT FROM KNIGHTRIDER!!!! Plus panels, raffles, costumes, live music, celebrity guests and all the trappings of a true geek paradise. Tix $20 – $15 (12 & under free). retrocons.com

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Just saw someone on Reddit refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I am absolutely exhausted by how accurate that is. ~Reena

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Romancing the Stoned ~ This is for Patty or whatever your name was, at the Fallser Club thing. We were the only two screaming WHAT THE F*** IS A FALLSER?! during No Woman No Cry. I thought you were performing avant garde standup but it turns out you were merely disoriented, having just awakened from a spontaneous 10 minute power-nap on a conference table after consuming what I assume now was an insane amount of edibles. Anyhoo, it was great getting thrown out together, and kicking around the city until you jumped that train at dawn. Hope to see you around sometime. ~ Frankie “Not a Fallser” in the Falls

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Guy, we keep missing each other. All day long, I miss you. And I text you, but I miss your replies  —  because you send none! 😭😭😭 EVERY DAY you have at least 73+ opportunities NOT to miss the connection I am extending to you. HELLO?! What aren’t you getting? ~Texter

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Dear Pennsylvania: I would like to know why I’m not allowed to buy two boxes of Sudafed at once because I might be able to make meth out of it. But yet it’s totally cool for an 18 year old to buy two AR15’s and all the ammo he needs to ruin hundreds if not thousands of lives. #ThisIsBullshit

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My friend Tito likes to flintknap – he makes arrowhead necklaces, keychains and shit. Sells them at flea markets but the point is, for some reason, he has this verbal tic where whenever he’s trying to say “flintknap,” it comes out as “kidnap.” Used to crack me up, now I don’t even notice which is unfortunate because we must’ve been talking about “kidnapping” for 20 minutes before the whole diner turned on us. With good reason, I see, in retrospect as it was full of babies (a cruel coincidence). Truly sorry for any misunderstanding. NOTE: counsel advises this expression of remorse does not admit guilt. .  ~ Decent Dell

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✊✊🏻✊🏼✊🏾 United We Bargain, Divided We Beg –  Learn more about what labor unions have to offer Philadelphia workers. Councilmember Katherine Gilmore Richardson hosts an online discussion with representatives with the city’s Carpenter’s Union, about available opportunities including apprenticeship programs. Friday Sept 16 / 2PM – 3PM (registration linktree @councilmemberKGR)

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The problem with Capitalism is that if you aren’t born into wealth, your only capital is your labor. So automatically your human body becomes a commodity that you must sell, and if you can’t sell it for enough, you won’t be able to care for it and you will lose your capital. Weird how we’re the only creature on the planet who has to pay just to live here.

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Local people! I was renewing my four year membership in the Worshipful Company of Fishmongers, updating my West Philly address, when I came to reflect upon my 40 years in the seafood industry, and was confronted with the ugly truth that I’m really only in this business for the pomp and glamour. And the mermaid porn, of course. Was it worth the PCB’s? No, it wasn’t.  ~Mr.Chips

Catch A Buzz at the Philadelphia Honey Fest, returning to beautiful Wyck for a sweet end to summer. 🐝🍯🍎 Honey tastings, demos, vendors, exhibits, kids activities and more. Cider pressing! A real beehive! Beer & mead in the rose garden. Saturday, September 10 from 10am – 4pm. Free Entry. More info wyck.org #PhillyHoneyFest

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SON: I can’t sleep, I think the Bougie Man is under the bed
ME: Don’t you mean Boogeyman?
VOICE UNDER BED: Omg the thread count on these sheets is pathetic!
#DadJokes

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Laughs & Drafts — Friday Sept 9: COMEDY NIGHT at Wissahickon Brewing Company, where the area’s best standups perform, with Jesse Draham hosting. Show starts at 8:30PM (Tix $15)

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Saw an article saying a dark sense of humor can be an early warning sign of dementia, and after reading that I just laughed and thought, “Where am I?”  @AlexAveryIsDead

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Grape News! Grumblethorpe’s 200 year-old Concord-variety vine had a bumper crop this summer. Big thanks to Saint Luke’s Church, who provided use of their commercial kitchen for volunteers to make delicious grape jam sold for donations at the manor’s Saturday farmstand. Historicgermantownpa.org

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Yeah sure. God is so pro-life that when Adam & Eve disobeyed Him, He literally invented death as a punishment. This didn’t work, so He flooded the whole earth as a re-set. This also failed so finally God crucified His only son so He would stop being mad at Adam & Eve. #Gtfoh.

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Sorry, CVS at Lincoln Drive is the worst. That is all. ~ Brad

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My yelling at a squirrel to get out of the road so it’s not squished by a car is probably the same feeling my spirit guide has watching me live my life. ~Deidre

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FREE CLASSES (try before you buy): Ballet, Pilates, Hip Hop, Modern. All Ages! Open House at Wissahickon Dance Academy / Thurs Sept 8 (5PM – 7:30PM)  wissahickondance.com

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother “What will I bet? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?” Here’s what she said to me:  <long cigarette drag>  “No.”  ~ Funny Gramma

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YOU’VE GOT THE FUNK  This is for the girl I saw on the trail near the big rock last Sunday. You were wearing a light grey workout get-up, and really working up a sweat. I, on the other hand, was strolling with coffee in one hand and Mr. Peter T. Ferguson on the other – he’s my schnauzer, and he’s very sorry for putting his nose where he did as we were walking by. I was as shocked as you were, he’s NEVER done this before! I can only repeat what I said then, that you must just have an irresistible bodily fragrance. ~ Lyle  PS omg you’re right that DOES sound creepy!

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HELLO BACK IN MY DAY I MADE $0.01/HR AND MY BOSS WOULD COME BY AND KICK ME SQUARE IN THE NUTS EVERY MORNING. I AM STILL ALIVE WHICH PROVES THAT NOTHING SHOULD IMPROVE FOR ANYBODY ELSE EVER. AMERICA IS THE GREATEST GOD BLESS! LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT!!!!  — DUKE

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Big ole raccoon spotted near Magnolia and E Washington. And his hair was perfect. #Arooo 🦝🤪

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Since we’re being honest here I actually don’t want to climb any corporate ladders. I don’t care about job titles. I don’t seek status or applause. I just want to have a decent income to support a reasonably comfortable lifestyle that allows me to feel regular joy, purpose and community. And be a good person. Dassit. Why can’t that be the new normal, for #lifegoals? It’s Jen.

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Who’s Sorry Now? Since I was a little girl, all my friends would be playing “bride” and I’d swish a pretend martini and say Well I guess I’ll be “the mistress.” Fast forward to now, I’m just a single gal with homewrecker fantasies. Any takers? Can’t promise I’m not messing with your head but what have you got to lose, you cheater you? ~ @JezzTheBelle

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Dad Bod Dreamin’
Hey Mr So and So —
The heart wants what it wants!
I’m just so hot for you
In those Wrangler shorts!
New Balance, neck hair,
Tube socks to the knee,
Old iPhone, I declare,
You mean so much to me.
— Stacy’s kid
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Senior ISO where I parked my car – Hello my missed connection is my 2019 Chevy Malibu. Not the 2014 Scion which I don’t have anymore. I parked it somewhere around the Queen Lane train station about a week ago, and darned if I haven’t been able to find it. It’s either bright red or deep purple (it’s been a while now so it’s hard to remember). ~Yanzi

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NEW RULE: you can’t tell me when life begins if you don’t even know when an election is over. Mmmkay? #AbortionIsHealthcare

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We crossed paths by the giant paintbrush on Broad St on a Sunday afternoon. You looked like a 1950’s housewife in your kicky sundress and the whitest shoes I’ve ever seen. I thought you might catch my eye but you were reading something on the wall behind me. Still: you were a vision! I’ll cherish the sight of you. Funny how the most random strangers can take up permanent residence in your memories. Love, Pierre

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For “Montgomery” (32nd Street Pub)  – I’m the bride with the purse full of blow in the back bathroom, thanks for talking me down so I could eventually join the wedding party again. That was a really bad day for me, oh well though what’s done is done, right? Sorry about your shoes.   ~Lelika
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Excelsior, you’re a crafty one. You had me fooled with your snuggles & purrs. Month after month, lulling me gently to trust your love & benevolence. But it was all a trap, waiting to spring the second I let my guard down. Finally this summer, you saw your chance for attack, leaving me with physical scars still healing (and emotional ones that never will). You clever, evil, maddening little bastard.  ~Duped Human

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Yo, Guy. Still haven’t heard back from you! ????? ~Texter
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So Winnie I got your letter. Two decades late, but still meaningful, as I’ve been sending your mom Christmas cards all these years, begging her to give me your address (to her credit, she never has). Here I am, then, responding in print like you asked. To answer your question: no. I can give you all the details when we meet up – soon? How’s wings night sound? For old time’s sake.  ~ Joey Jambroni
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When someone tells me to have a safe flight it’s like OK I will do my best but just so you know, I’m not the pilot of the airplane.  – Alicia

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Come forth and be counted o glorious reserve of the wandering Syndexioi, those “united by the handshake”, let us march on together to the mithraeum I built in the local wood. While it’s clear to us, it’s a mithrastery to others. Coffee/Lotus extract cocktail hour to follow.  #RomanHoliday

We hope you have enjoyed this Month’s MISSED CONNECTIONS!

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About Karl Von Lichtenhollen 45 Articles
Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen is a doctor and fellow of the Applied Knowledges at Blödsinn Universität in Munich, Germany (1973). He was born and raised in the Nether Regions area of Holland, near Tainte, which he refers to fondly as a "Dutch Wonderland." Dr. Lichtenhollen once shared a houseboat in Amsterdam with the cast of a geriatric production of HAIR, inspiring his famous essay, "That Which I Cannot Unsee." He is a three-time recipient of the "Iron Feather" award. His hobbies include ascots, Highland wool sweaters and his pipe. He has a cat.

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